As days went on, my mind would slip away more and more often. I would be tempted to join the mass of crazed, sweaty, delusional people that crowded the bowling alley day and night. But I never gave in. I fought my impulses, even though I knew that fighting them just made everything worse.
But I didn't care. I'd be dead soon. If Tommy didn't do it, I'd bloody do it myself. It's not like it would be something I hadn't tried to do before.
That day was something I went back to a lot. The day I almost killed myself. But never in the same way. As time went on, my brain distorted the memory- people, places, sounds, colors appeared that I'd never seen before. But the feeling was always the same.
Despair. Agony. Hopelessness. Emptiness. Nothing but the will to die. To escape the Maze in the only way I could come up with. That was something They couldn't control. Once I was dead, I would be dead. No going back. I would never have to face the Glade, the Grievers, or anything to do with that shuck Maze ever again.
One day, I decided to just do it. Do it and be done with everything.
The physical exertion of climbing the wall was nothing compared to the mental pain I was in. I finally reached my destination and didn't hesitate a second.
As gravity pulled my body to the ground, all I felt was relief. I could finally escape. I was done.
The ground caught me. Was I dead? No. Not yet. But as night fell, and the Grievers came out, they would take me away. Finally.
I don't know how long I was out there. My neck and back throbbed with pain. My entire leg was numb. How much longer would I have to wait?
Eventually, Alby came out and frantically dragged me back to the bloody Glade. Why? I was so close; I saw the doors close behind us, not even a minute after we entered back into the Glade.
The medical boys got me fixed up, and I had a change of heart. I still hated the Maze- I still hated everything. But I was just going to have to stick it out. My limp always reminded me how much I hated it and how much I just wanted to leave.
But none of that compared to how much I wanted to leave now. Leave these Cranks to their crazy, doomed lives. Leave this bowling alley and leave my bloody infected brain.
I just wanted to be free.