Part Four- Caught Up In Between
Rosalie is the first to break the trance, that falls upon the room once Edward had softly shut the door, the first to move, while the others are all frozen, the shock still obvious on Esme's face, Alice staring at the door, a strange mixture of frustration and sympathy in her eyes, Jasper just quietly contemplating and, if this strange calm falling over her is any indication, trying to placate Alice, to stop her from following Edward or whatever she plans to do that wouldn't be helpful right now.
She gets up from Emmett's lap, his hands easily falling away, and walks out of the room. He looks up at her but he doesn't follow and he'll probably expect a rebuke for this later, but, for once, it doesn't bother her. For once, she wants to be alone, and she has to get away from this imposed serenity to be sure what she's feeling is real and not enforced. She feels awkward in that room- like she doesn't quite fit with the others on this, although she'd never have argued Edward's point.
But it's more than that- she knows she should feel relieved that they're leaving (even though she and Emmett were planning to leave soon anyway), she should feel happy, but she can't. All she can feel is strange hurt ebbing at her, for Edward's obvious pain. She can see the anguish he's heading for, almost as if she's got Alice's gift, and she feels for him. And then there's a slightly smaller, duller feeling and she thinks it must be worry for Bella. And this is why she should feel glad to be leaving, because she sees she's getting a little attached to the human. So, she's no longer neutral on this subject and can't really know how she feels about leaving- she's caught between wanting to go, for herself and hating this- for the hurt it'll cause. Maybe it would be easier if she could just decide which one she feels.
What is it about Bella which is drawing us all in like this? she wonders. She can see Edward's fascination with his little social experiment- a challenge is a rare thing for a being who's had almost a century to experience most thing and the ability to read minds, which makes surprises futile. She almost seems made for him in those regards. And of course, he loves her. And it's obvious from her eyes that she's cares deeply for him as well- another rarity to find a human, who can bare to be around any of them for an extended period. She can see this, even if she can't really understand it. But the others shouldn't be so attached, shouldn't be so frustrated over this decision, shouldn't be stuck in the other room, struggling to let go.
Her mind trails to Emmett's face, uncharacteristically sombre and she can't help but feel the familiar gnawing of jealousy at her insides. The thought occurred to her once- just before she insisted to him that they leave and go travelling, insisting to him that it was to escape the town they've been trapped in for two years, insisting to herself it was to get away from Edward's tedious delirium over his new play-thing (but really knowing it was to keep Emmett occupied with herself and not the play-thing), that maybe something about the human girl (perhaps her clumsiness) endeared her to the males of their household. It comes back and won't go away now. Even though she's really more like a daughter to Carlisle, and Jasper is devoted to Alice and blew his chances anyway by snapping at her neck last night and Emmett has reassured her countless times that Bella is like a hopeless little sister to him- entertaining to poke fun at, but not at all interesting to him like that. It's ludicrous that, after 70 years together, she should fear to lose Emmett to Bella (who's not going to around for much longer to have a chance to take him)- but it's frightening how absorbed Edward is by her when he paid her no attention at all. Maybe it's a gift Bella has, something she could never mimic or have a chance against.
So it's probably best that they leave now, before Emmett begins declaring himself and all-out war starts between the brothers (and she suspects Edward might win- Bella was his discovery and he wouldn't let Emmett share in the spoils- even if he doesn't plan to stay around to enjoy them) and she loses her cool and scratches Bella's eyes out. Her mind begins travelling into dark territory, as she imagines Emmett and Bella together- But of course, she says, to comfort herself maybe, his self-control isn't of the same standard as Edward's, so maybe he'll lose it and we'll have no human to worry about...
Or maybe it's not just the males, and Alice'll proclaim passionate love for Bella and drag her off into the sunset to change her- that's if Jasper doesn't get to her first...
These thoughts are so ridiculous and so phycotic, that they almost make her hysterical. She shakes her head frantically, to get them out, relieved that Edward's (hopefully) too far away and too preoccupied to read her mind and hear this madness. Yes, better that they leave- save the human from being torn apart by all the overly-possessive vampires. And save Bella from this life, she thinks bitterly, and wistfully if she were being honest with herself. Because she does agree with Edward (and maybe she's the only one who does) that Bella's better off alone or dead (okay, so maybe he wouldn't go that far) than joining this life. And this isn't a selfish thought- she hopes for it for Bella rather than herself.
But- and she has to admit this part because it's the reason for the small uncomfortable feeling in her gut, she doesn't- no, she can't agree with Edward's "Love you not" ploy. And, if she were being truthful, she'd acknowledge that it's because Edward's never said this to anyone else before. It's better to feel it for someone just once, than never (even if it's not for her. And she realises that it doesn't bother her so much any more that it's not for her). And to take it all back now- well, that's just cruel. Maybe she's found a fate worse that this one.
I went entirely insane towards the end, writing about Rosalie imagining etracting revenge on Bella and Emmett for their phantom betrayal- so I had to cut it there. That's why it's so rushed. But writing for Rosalie was way easier (and a lot more fun) than I though- maybe because I prefer stories with no dialogue. Tommorow is Esme, but she's the blandest character for me, so it should be either sentimental crap or just some crap that spouts from me. Either way it'll be crap. And it may take longer than a day to do (but hopefully not). Spellings and review if you like!