Even clean and shaven, Castiel looked a good deal shabbier than he did before. He was thinner. There were shadows and hollows etched into his pale face. He didn't look like an angel anymore, not that he ever looked the part, really. He just looked less heavenly than usual.
He examined his reflection, it must be his reflection, but it didn't look right. Could those really be the eyes that once stared down Lucifer? Was that really the jaw that had taken punch after brutal punch? Really? And that mouth, was that really the mouth that Dean Winchester had kissed? It was.
"Cas?" Dean called from the bedroom.
"I'm here."
"Good. Just checking," the sound of bedsprings groaning, "Cas?"
"Yes?"
"I- last night- it actually happened didn't it."
"What do you mean?"
"All that, 'I love you' stuff."
"Yes." Tentatively.
"Okay."
"Are you disappointed?"
"I… need time, Cas. This is big."
Castiel said nothing. He looked at the mirror again, at the hollow face that met his gaze. He was afraid. Of what, he could not quite put into words. Dean. He was afraid of Dean's nervousness, of his needing time. What did that even mean? Why did Dean need time when he had seemed so sure before? What if it was all a mistake, made in the heat of the moment? There were so many more what if's running through his mind. But his reflection did not look scared. Good. That was good.
When he emerged from the bathroom, Dean was fully dressed and sitting at the table. His chin rested on a gently curled fist. Castiel hung back, afraid to disturb him. Too late, he'd already looked up. Dean sighed as Castiel froze in the middle of the room.
"Look, Cas," he said, "I'm really glad you're back. I -we wouldn't have made it far without you. I just- I just need to think about this whole in-love-with-another-man thing, okay?"
"Okay, Dean." There was no food in the motel room. That was fine, he wasn't hungry anyway.
After about half an hour of this, Dean suggested they pack up and hit the road. "Sammy's been worried. He'll be glad to see you again."
The first part of the ride was silent, at least as far as conversation was concerned. There was no lack of noise, Dean blasted his music so loud it made Castiel's ears ring. He had missed this, more than he would care to admit. Just like he missed the smell of the car, of Dean's jackets. It all felt so good. If only he could understand what Dean was feeling, if he could change it. Then everything would be perfect.
"Dean?"
"What?" He turned the music down, just a bit.
"Did you think about it?"
Dean pursed his lips. "It's not that simple, Cas."
"Why not?" This was almost defensive.
The hunter sighed, "Look, it's not as simple as you think it is Cas. I'm- I do love you. I said it. I meant it. But you've got to understand, that's kind of new for me. I mean, you're a man. And that's different, you know?"
"Yes. I understand."
Castiel looked out the window again. He was confused, and more than a little worried, but Dean had said I love you again. That was enough to sustain him. He had been away from Dean for so long he had forgotten the gruffness of his tone, the edge to his words. Castiel started at the heavy touch of Dean's hand on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry, Cas."
"It's alright."
"Hey, maybe once this all sinks in, you and I could, you know, do something together."
"Something?"
"I don't know, like, a movie or dinner or something."
"Oh."
"Okay," Dean grinned, "that sounded really stupid."
"I don't think it sounds stupid," said Castiel.
"You know, you're not making this any easier for me. I hate all this stupid romantic stuff."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"I was not aware of being romantic, but I'll try to stop."
Dean laughed, "God, I missed you, Cas."
Castiel smiled at the scenery outside. When the silence resumed it was more companionable. Dean turned his music back up, and though his brow was still creased, his mouth set in a hard line, Castiel was sure now, that things were going to be okay. He no longer felt useless. He no longer felt tolerated.
After a few more hours of driving, Castiel was almost positive this was his taste in music after all. He was also getting hungry. Dean suggested they stop at a roadside diner.
The woman who led them to their table cast them a suspicious look when their hands brushed. Dean ordered a cheeseburger with bacon on it. Castiel ordered the same, but without the bacon. At first, Dean didn't meet Castiel's eyes. There was no discomfort in his averted gaze, and little awkwardness. When at last he did speak, those eyes, brilliant and green, were fixed on the knot of his tie.
"Can I ask you something, Cas?"
"Yes, of course."
"Why did you leave?"
Castiel had to think about it for a while. "I was useless." He said at last, "I slowed you down. Your patience was wearing thin."
Dean met his eyes properly then, and they held Castiel fast. "Useless? Cas, why would you think that?"
"You were constantly frustrated with me. You told me not to assist you on hunts. I made an educated guess."
A frown creased the hunter's brow and pulled down the corners of his mouth. "I never wanted you gone. I told you that going off on your own was stupid. Why didn't you listen to me."
"You have a history of lying to save people's feelings."
"And you have a history of not taking my advice and screwing everything up."
The tension that hummed momentarily in the air could not hold. Dean laughed, and for a minute Castiel was puzzled. Then he smiled too.
"Don't run away again or I swear, I'll have to get you chipped or something."
"Chipped?"
"Like a cat. So I can track you."
"Please don't do that, Dean."
More laughing.
By the time the woman came with their meals the silence had resumed but both men were staring, honey eyed, at one another. Dean broke eye contact the moment he caught her looking.
"Thanks," he murmured, taking the plate from her. She placed the other in front of Castiel, who thanked her as well.
"I missed this." Castiel ate greedily, remembering the breakfast he never had, the dinner he hadn't had before that.
"You and burgers, man, what is it?"
"I like them. A man has to eat."
Dean scoffed a little.
"What?"
"I'm pretty sure the last time we had burgers together you ended up elbow deep in ground beef."
"Those were not normal conditions." Another huge bite.
There was a bit more back and forth, nothing of consequence. Dean once allowed his hand to brush against Castiel's, eliciting cold shivers. Castiel ate quickly then sat back, satisfied and full. Dean made some passing comment comparing it to a date, then became flustered and suggested they get going. After all, they were meeting Sam at the motel in Nevada at twelve. If they were going to get there on time they'd better go. As they left, the waitress watched them as if expecting one or the other to place his had somewhere profane.
They stopped periodically to fill the car and empty themselves. It was a long drive, but not dull. Though they didn't talk much –Dean said he was still thinking the in-love-with-another-man thing out- Castiel had thoughts of his own to keep him occupied. Dean Winchester being in love with him was certainly the first and foremost. There was also the revelation that he was now a hunter in his own right. He wasn't useless any more, he would not be the Winchesters' charity project. He could hunt. He could kill. It was dark outside now.
"Next exit. That's where we're meeting Sam."
They left the freeway and plunged into the darkness of a residential street. Houses, all identical, passed through the glow of the headlights. A few of the windows were lighted, providing windows into strange domestic scenes. A man and woman curled together on a sofa in front of a television, at a dinning room table, a girl looked between a large book and a laptop. Dean, silhouetted against these scenes, was the starkest contrast Castiel had ever seen. Normality and the man who had never known it, and never would.
"Here." Dean's announcement was unnecessary, even at a great distance Castiel could make out Sam's mountainous form in the parking lot. He walked out to meet them when they parked.
"Dean!" He greeted his brother first with a clap on the shoulder. The elder brother reciprocated.
"Sam." Castiel waved at the other man.
"Oh my God, Cas, you look awful! Sorry" He added as an afterthought. "I'm glad you're okay." Dean looked between his brother and Castiel with an expression not quite visible in the darkness.
Together, the three of them crossed the darkened parking lot to the motel office.
"Two rooms," Dean said, Sam looked confused.
"Will that be two queens or…"
"Yeah."
At this Sam opened his mouth to protest. He turned to Cas, "Wait, are you two- are you-"
"Shut up Sammy." Dan said, tossing his brother the key to one of the rooms.
"Wait, but- if you two are- then how-"
"Dean and I are sharing a bed now." Castiel confirmed. "We're bedfellows."
The noise Dean made could hardly be called human. "Cas," he moaned as Sam broke down in giggles. "I said shut up. Come on Cas, we'll talk about this in the morning."
That night, Dean and Cas did share a bed, though Dean said that if Cas ever did something like that again he'd be back on the couch like that. They slept soundly, at least Castiel did, lulled to sleep by the sound of Dean's breathing. Sam did not sleep quite so well but rather laid awake, trying to look for any clues that may have pointed to this. After some thought he realized that he probably should have seen it coming. But still! Booking him a separate room? What exactly did Dean and Cas need to get a room for? Did he want to know? No. No he didn't.
The next day they would head back to the bunker. Sam would interrogate Castiel about all that happened in his time alone. After hearing the story he apologized again. For what? For letting him go, Sam supposed. Dean answered most of Sam's questions with profanities, or by turning up his music. He needed time to think. That was alright. No one was going anywhere, and there was time to think.
Author's Note: This has been the final chapter of a Hungry Silence. I know it doesn't exactly fit the tone of the rest of he story, but I've been doing my assigned reading and now I'm fed up with bleak endings. I did take a week-long hiatus to re-adjust and get ready for school. Also to write the Hospital scene which I felt the need to inflict upon you. I will definitely write more, I'll always be open to prompts or suggestions, so never hesitate there. As always, I hope you will review. Thank you for reading all this! I came into this very new, I still am very new, but I think, through this story and those that I've been reading, I've really got the hang of it now. It's been very educational.
-Until we meet again!