1. Grocery Shopping

I call my disease schizophrenia, but I don't think that's all this is. With my disease, I see and hear things that aren't really there – it never matters how real they are to me, I have to remember they don't really exist. Nothing. Nobody.

I didn't just not like getting up early, I completely and utterly resented it. So much so, that my brain actually muted the sound of the alarm clock on its own. So a few years back, when my sister, Namine, became completely fed up with my habit of sleeping through the orphanage's alarm clock she developed the habit of giving me a wet willy every damn morning.

"Morning sunshine!" She said with mock cheerfulness as she stuck her saliva-soaked pinky in my ear, giving me an ugly chill and squirm so I sat up.

I glared at her and probably looked awful with the bags under my eyes. I hadn't been sleeping. That wasn't particularly unusual, but that usually meant he was going to appear soon. When Namine noticed, she quickly wiped her hand on her white shorts and sat down on the bed. My eyes widened only slightly when she put her hand on mine to rub small circles into the bones while she smiled sympathetically. Oh no. She wanted to talk again. "Roxas, look-"

"No." I immediately said, holding up a hand. "We are not talking now. Look, can we just do it later? Besides, we have a lot of other things to talk about." I told her, throwing back the covers and shakily getting out of bed. Going without sleep quickly drained my body of strength and I would soon become as weak as a brittle old person. I could nearly feel my muscles turning into liquid as I staggered to my duffel bag on the floor and dug through it for a shirt and some pants.

"Roxas, I told you that you're going to stay here." Namine said, both of her hands resting softly on my shoulders.

I shrugged her off. "And I declined, remember? Anyways, if I moved in, that would require you to get rid of the art studio, and I could never make you do that. That's your office, your job. You don't have enough room for me, and I don't expect you too. I'll find somewhere to stay, don't worry." I turned my head up to look at her upside-down image with a soft, albeit a bit fake, smile.

She just frowned dejectedly. "Roxas..."

I ignored her, pulling on the cargo shorts and then slipping a black t-shirt on over my head. "C'mon, let's eat. I'll cook, yeah?" I flashed her a smile over my shoulder and I zipped my bag back up and took her hand. I walked downstairs to the kitchen, my sister in tow.

I suppose you're a bit confused as to what's going on. Frankly, I have no clue. For starters, my name is Roxas. Roxas Paterson. I'm fifteen years old. If I went to school, I'd probably being going to the local high school, Twilight Town High School. But, I don't go to school. Nope, I was home-schooled for a long time in the orphanage I used to belong to, but I'm not there anymore. I ran away about two days ago. Why am I not living with Namine, you might ask? Well, Namine is older than me so she turned eighteen faster and was released from the orphanage. Unfortunately, I couldn't go with her. Two reasons: Namine didn't make enough money and wasn't stable enough for them to accept the adoption, and the orphanage is small and run but complete and utter sadists who beat and rape the kids in it. Luckily, Namine and I only fell into the category of severe, within-an-inch-of-our-lives beatings.

Namine wasn't raped because they assumed she was mute and didn't "want one who wouldn't scream". I wasn't raped because I freaked them out with my disease. Oh, yeah! I should mention that, because that might clear up some things. I'm schizophrenic, as in I see and hear things and people that aren't really there. Of course, I'm very much aware that these things aren't real. But sadly, that fact doesn't help anything. He still brings all the bad stuff with him that is almost too real to not be real. I call him "he" or "him" but he's introduced himself to be as "Sora" on many occasions, so I guess his name is Sora. On one of the good days, when he was acting normal and friendly, I asked him why he was named that. He just laughed and said, "Because it's your name without an x." and laughed some more until he froze, turned into his other, and I was knocked out cold just to fall into a nightmare. See, there are two different Sora's. One is a very bright, giddy, smiley boy who I consider a friend. He's very curious and good at giving advice and/or getting me into trouble. He's all bright colors and big smiles. Then, there's Anti-Sora. Or at least, that's what I call him. He doesn't talk. He follows me like my shadow and gives me horrifying nightmares and hallucinations. He's the one that makes me hear things too, things that drive me crazy. Things like nails on a chalkboard, or a baby screaming, or creepy childrens' laughter. He really liked the subtle sounds. Those were the ones that normally drove me into the fits that landed me in a hospital. If I start hearing some ghost child scream? That's fine, I'll go lock myself in a closet and cry and come out an hour later just a little shaken up. But, if I hear the soft sound of droplets of water falling? I went berserk. Because it didn't just stop after an hour, no, it went on for days. And it just slowly increased in volume until I could only hear that sound and I'd close my eyes for a minute, the image of faces crowding over me a distant memory when I woke up in the hospital.

I suppose you're wondering why I don't get treatment. Well, newsflash, I'm an orphan with a sister who can barely keep herself off the streets. I can't afford treatment. The only way I can get treatment is if Namine admits me into an asylum and like hell if I'm allowing her to do that. Not that she's willing to do that, anyways.

I pulled out a frying pan from the cabinet next to the stove. I set it down on the front-left burner and turned on the heat. Namine sat down on a stool at her breakfast bar, watching me cook with appreciation in her eyes like I was some piece of art. "So, heads up, I won't be here tonight. Visiting a friend just a few streets away."

My ears perked up. "Oh?"

"Yep. And I already know what you're thinking. Don't be stupid, Roxas." She said, slightly begging. I looked at her over my shoulder and grinned charismatically.

"No idea what you're talking about, Namine." I said, but the smirk was there, underlying. The smirk that belonged to my darker side. The side that wasn't really Namine's little brother. The side that lied and stole and fought back when the caretakers tried to beat us. The side that got me in solitary confinement for weeks and weeks and weeks. The side that reminded me a bit of Anti-Sora.

She scoffed. "Right. Whatever, Roxas. Do what you want, but you're being stupid." I heard her get up and move, but I didn't look for where she went. So, it startled me a bit when she draped her arms over my shoulders and hugged my neck, she nuzzled me affectionately and whispered, "I love you, you know."

The shock now passed, I smiled and nudged her with my head. I twisted quickly to peck her cheek. "I know, and I love you too." We were very close for brother and sister, but we were the only family the other had left. We only had each other.

But I was a selfish boy.

"You wanna come with me to the grocery store?" She asked suddenly.

"Sure."

Breakfast passed quickly and I ended up cleaning out mess as well. As I cleaned, Namine sketched in her sketch book. She's had it since we were young and still hasn't run out of paper, which never seizes to amaze me. She's getting closer and closer but never seems to come to an end. "So," I started up a conversation, drawing her attention away from the body she was forming via pencil. "who is this friend you're meeting up with?"

She waved a dismissive hand, returning her bluish-purple eyes to the paper in front of her, twirling her pencil absentmindedly. "Just a close friend from college. He's just moved into his apartment and needs my help unpacking. I promised him I would."

Deciding to mess with her, I finished up my work and slid into the chair next to her, smirking devilishly. "Oh? Is he a close friend... or a romantic interest?" I nudged her, giving her a knowingly look in my light blue eyes.

She rolled her eyes and elbowed me lightly. "He's gay, Roxas."

I flinched unintentionally.

She smirked. "Just like you, if I remember correctly. I could hook you two up if you want me to. He isn't looking for anything serious, like you. Just some harmless flirting and... you never know... maybe-"

I held up a hand. "Sis, I love you and all, but you need to cut it with teasing me about my sexuality."

She giggled harmlessly. "Okay, okay. I'm done." She punctuated the sentence by dropping her pencil. "You still want to go grocery shopping with me?"

I shrugged. "Sure. What if I freak out?" I asked her curiously.

She snickered. "I'm not embarrassed of you, Roxas."

I grinned. "Thanks." But, we both knew how fake our smiles could be. We'd learned to smile, even if it hurt. But those smiles were worn and tired, strained and useless. They meant nothing but I'm trying to make you feel better, not me. "Even if you were," I started, turning away before she made a move to point out how fake I was smiling. "I wouldn't blame you. I'm sick in the head, literally. That's why we are where we are and why we went through what we did." I said, looking down at my socked feet in shame. I got up to walk back into the kitchen, but Namine grabbed my arm before I escaped.

"You know that's not true." She said sternly, which was odd for her. Namine was soft and sweet, with a voice that made angels cry and drove the hearing impaired insane.

Finally, I gave into not playing the nice guy and scowled at her. "Not how I remember it."

She frowned, looking upset and frustrated. Frowns weren't fit for Namine's face, who was accustomed to small smiles and pretty pouts. "I'm telling you, it's impossible to remember-"

"-and I'm telling you the truth. I was two years old, and Mom and Dad were arguing in the car. If it's not possible, how do I remember exactly what they look like when you can barely remember? They were arguing, Namine, and Dad was talking about me. Saying how he didn't need an insane child to ruin his rep, and Mom said she couldn't afford the medical treatment anyways. And Dad said something you being crazy too. I bet she's just as nuts as him. They weren't crying, they were just frustrated. Of course, I only remember because Mom kept looking back at me worriedly because I was talking to Sora." I laughed dryly, completely void of humor but I just needed to feel something. My chest had always felt so hollow, so empty. Like I didn't even have a heart. Self-consciously, I pressed my hand against my chest and waited. Sure enough, there it was, the slow and dull ba-bump, ba-bump, of my heart that wasn't doing a very good job. I couldn't really feel, my depression was so far gone.

Namine stared at me. "I don't know how you can remember that... but I guess..." She didn't say anything after that. She didn't really have to. She redirected her eyes down at her sketchpad and mindlessly sketched a rough outline of the hair on the egg-shaped head. I wondered if she realized the hairstyle vaguely resembled mine. Or maybe, I was reading too into it.

With an aggravated huff, I jogged back to her bedroom and begrudgingly returned to the futon. I curled in on myself in the covers, seeking the nonexistent protection of a parent, or even a lover. Namine was my sister, sure, but she was just as broken as me. She was also seeking that feeling of love and protection, something we couldn't feed each other because we didn't possess it. Our chest were heavy and empty, and feelings passed right through them. I might've drifted off into a dreamless sleep right then and there. I might've actually gotten some rest and savored the little bit of sanity I had left with a calm, blank-headed sleep. I might've relaxed a bit and then apologized to Namine, but I didn't, because I felt the ultimately familiar tap on my shoulder.

When Namine got curious, she'd quiz me on things about the disease, like what Sora was like or some of the things I saw. I always compared Sora to a stubborn little kid ahead of himself. While Sora could be kind and gentle and bright, he could also easily act twice his age or act very, impossibly stubborn. He rarely got angry, because that was Anti-Sora's emotion. Anti-Sora felt all the bad emotions and inflicted the worst on me, Sora felt all the good emotions and sometimes even made my day.

Sora was the good side of this from-the-bowls-of-the-earth disease. Usually, Sora was chipper and encouraging. That is, a little after his arrival. When he first visits, he's just a bundle of mischief.

The brunette who looked a little too like me for peace of mind grinned at me in what could be counted as a leer. "Hmm..." He said, walking backwards to face me as we walked through the grocery store. Namine had given me a short list of what she wanted me to find, so I was alone in this hunt. He tipped his chin up at me and chuckled. "Shopping, eh?"

I didn't answer. I would not embarrass Namine today. Lowering my eyes, I looked at the first thing on the list: Eggs. With a deep sigh, I picked a basket up and held it loosely in my hands. I ignored Sora's comments as we walked through the store. We got to what I dubbed the "cold section" of the store where all the dairy and meat were. Of course, before all that I passed the frozen desserts. And, of course, my eyes landed on the sea salt ice cream.

"Yum." I grinned, my free hand twiddling with my jacket's zipper as my taste buds remembered the taste of the ice cream.

Sora smirked next to me, his hands digging into his front pockets.

I looked around to make sure no one would see or hear me talk to what they thought was air before leaning into Sora. "You think Namine will mind if we get this?"

Sora shook his head. "She gave you twenty munny for eggs, your cereal, hers, and toothpaste. I think you're fine." With that being said, I reached out for the tub of ice cream. Only seconds later did I feel the basket I held in a loose grip get kicked out of my hands. I turned sharply to watch it slide down the newly washed floors, nearly hit a man trying to buy some beef, and lodge itself underneath a table displaying donuts for half price. "Whoops." Sora snorted beside me, facing turning a red shade of humor.

"Ha." I said flatly, lowly as to not be heard. The man that almost got hit gave me the evil eye, his bright green eyes watching as I moved across the floor. I lowered my head shamefully. Though Sora had kicked the basket out of my hand, anyone else probably saw my arm jerk and made it look like I purposefully tossed it. "Sora, I hate you." I grumbled.

He just hop-stepped beside me, looking mighty pleased with himself.

I approached the display table and dropped onto my knees. I pulled up the table cloth and smirked, finding my basket tipped over right underneath. I grabbed onto the handle and attempted to crawl out from under the table, but someone roughly grabbed my ankle and yanked me out. I gasped, the cloth falling off my head as I was dragged across the floor. When I was released, I jumped onto my feet.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" A man shouted at me. I looked up and saw a man dressed an all black uniform, most likely the grocery store's uniform. His name tag read Luxord – Assistant Manager. I mentally groaned. So, I was in trouble. Thanks Sora.

"No problem." Yeah, knows all my thoughts, too.

I winced, and looked up at the man sheepishly. My eyes darted back to the man browsing beef, his green eyes trained on the scene rather openly. His bright red spikes were being ruffled by the breeze let off by the AC system keeping the meat cool. He seemed rather interested. I narrowed my eyes on him before Luxord cleared his throat, earning my attention again.

"Well?" He snapped at me.

I rubbed the back of my neck. "Uh, sorry, sir."

He scoffed. "You could've ruined the display! Sorry doesn't cut it, kid."

I gritted my teeth together, my knuckles turning white over the handle of my basket. "I'm not a kid."

He grunted. "That's it. Where is your parent? I'd like to speak with them." He said, his eyes now scanning for my non-existent parental figure. His eyes landed on the green-eyed redhead looking at us and he snapped. "Hey! You are this kid's parent?" He yelled, luckily no one else was within ear-shot. It was a slow day, I suppose.

The redhead looked at me and shook his head. "No, sorry."

Luxord groaned.

Sora was becoming angsty next to me. "Hey, he doesn't have parents you moron!" The brunette snapped beside me.

"Right." I said lowly.

Luxord roughly grabbed my left upper arm and yanked upward, glaring spitefully down at me. I hated when people looked down at me. "What did you say, kid?" He spat at me.

I made some sort of angry growling sound and I felt that same connection I've felt many times. It's kind of like sharing nerves with someone. Like a million ties are linking you to someone so that you become the puppet to them, or even their shadow. Suddenly, Sora stood beside me and moved. I mimicked those motions and we both yelled the same thing, even if they only heard me. I called this state the Puppet State. "I don't have any parents, you prick!" We yelled and suddenly my free arm lifted and I back-handed Luxord with my basket with as much force as I could. Luxord dropped me and then fell to the ground, cradling his hurting face.

Sora released me and I released the basket. I was shaking, as I always was when I became "myself" again. I could see the redhead looking stunned at what he'd just seen. My eyes moved a little past him and I saw Namine round the corner. "Roxas, you-"

Leaving the redhead to assist Luxord, I ran past him and grabbed Namine's arm, jerking her out of sight. "We're leaving."

"But, what-"

"I hurt someone."

With nothing more needed to be said, Namine dropped the basket where she stood and we both ran out of the store and into the new downpour of the afternoon.

"Roxas, why didn't you tell me?"

I kept quiet.

"When did Sora come back?" She asked.

Sora, looking a bit guilty himself, sat next to me cross-legged on the couch, fiddling with the buttons on his gloves. He and I met eyes and he nodded at me. I sighed a bit deeply. "After breakfast, when I went back up to your room to nap."

She nodded in concentration. "Alright. Well then, maybe I should cancel on my friend tonight. It's really last minute, but he'll understand."

"No!" I said instantly. "No, don't cancel. I'll be fine. You know Anti-Sora doesn't come around until at least twenty-four hours after Sora makes an appearance. Right?" I looked to Sora next me, offering some remnants of a smile.

"Right." He said, brightening up at me.

I turned back and nodded at my blonde sister.

"Alright, alright. But, you call if anything happens, you got that?" She snapped at me.

I stood up from the couch and grabbed her coat for her. I slipped it onto her and turned her back around for a hug. "Stop worrying about me, Namine. I'm a big boy." I chuckled and wrapped my arms around her small waist.

She smiled and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. She pressed her smile into my shoulder. As the smile faded, her arms grew tighter. I knew she felt like she was hugging me for the last time. She knew my decision and knew she couldn't stop it. Her arms tightened a bit more before she released me and smiled softly. "I better go, he's probably waiting."

"Alright, see ya." I waved her off.

She was about to cross the threshold when she paused and turned on her heel. "You know I love you, right?"

I smirked gently. "I know."

She chewed her bottom lip nervously. "I love you, Roxas."

The smirk melted off into a genuine, rare smile. "I love you too, Namine."

With a satisfied nod, she turned back around and walked off. Twilight Town was so small, you didn't really need a car, and it's not like either of us had the funds for it. Namine was struggling enough to keep the apartment. With that goodbye, I turned around and closed the door.

Sora sat idly on the couch, eyes closed as he concentrated on something. I didn't disturb him. While he knew everything I thought, I had no clue as to what loomed in his head.

I dragged my heavy feet across the floor until I reached the stairs. As my leg went up to the first step, I heard something jingle in my pocket. When I reached in and pulled out a key, I was surprised. Namine was sneakier than I thought. On the key was a tab on the chain that read:

You're always welcome, Roxy.

I smirked dryly, and wrapped a fist so tight around the key that the edge bit into my skin. Now shaking with regret, guilt, sadness, and anger, I stomped up the bedroom to repack my bag. I was leaving. Now.