Those Boys Are My Boys

is this chapter two or chapter three? idk. i think its chapter 2. im writing chapter 2. the first chapter was a little prologue thing so this must be chapter 2.

-x-

CHAPTER 2

-x-

I don't know why, but I stared at them. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, and I definitely couldn't look away – I stood unmoving, rapt, and I felt completely helpless, like I was being forced to watch against my will, bound by the ropes of curiosity and confusion. My heart pounded like I'd been caught doing something I shouldn't. And maybe I shouldn't have – shouldn't have gone in without knocking, shouldn't have gotten frustrated with Shino and asked Hinata for help, shouldn't have followed the sequence of events that lead me to this moment without knowing that days that start off looking perfect are just to compensate for the worst that is yet to come.

Sasuke sighed and the sound seemed to trigger the cogs in my brain, which had evidently had a breakdown, and I couldn't bear to look anymore. I backed away quietly – I didn't want to disturb them, for them to know I was seeing what I was seeing – then I dropped the files and ran.

I ran, past the infirmary, townsfolk, the vendors, the shops and the children playing in the streets. I looked up at the bright blue sky and I realised the weather had fooled me. The cloudless, sunny morning now scorched my skin and made it hiss; the wind seemed to go berserk and not just cool me but wrestle me, wrap around and suffocate me. The people now looked glum, tired, hopelessly lost in routine they couldn't break if they wanted to survive, as if they had been betrayed by the day too. But none of it compared to the loud feeling in my heart that thrummed and screamed and clashed its cymbals.

I ran until my throat was dry and my chest was fit to burst. I ran to my door and through it, passing my parents who made surprised noises when they saw me home early and asked polite questions and acted like I wasn't a nuisance, twenty and still living in their apartment when by law I could have moved the moment I classed as Chunin. I ignored them and continued my marathon down the hall, up the stairs and into my room, slamming the door behind me and jumping right into bed, face down.

I couldn't breathe. I was panting harder than I ever had in my life; no amount of training had ever left me so breathless. I could have suffocated but I stayed there, and despite my need for air I let more out in random bursts – I screamed then stopped then screamed then stopped.

What had I seen? It didn't process at first.

Sasuke's back pressed into the hard desk, Naruto's jacket laid down underneath his bare skin…

Their lips, feather-light touches, fluttering eyelids and roaming tongues… hands. Hands all over.

God, did those hands roam. Especially Naruto's. They roamed to places Sakura had never seen them roam before. They roamed to places Sakura had only dreamed on Sasuke before.

That moment, the split second they paused and looked into each other's eyes, and something impossible, something she must have imagined, definitely happened – Sasuke's lips stretched into a beautiful, beautiful smile, and he chuckled as he used the tip of his nose to slide down the bridge of Naruto's, and Naruto was blushing red as roses but his eyes were so serious, like he was focusing really hard on something, trying to memorise every detail…

Then he'd slowly, softly, lovingly taken Sasuke's fingers and kissed the tips, then down his arm, across his shoulder, into the nook of his collarbone, and Sasuke had sighed so perfect…

Then I'd ran.

I was so embarrassed to have seen what I'd seen. I felt my chest tighten. A lump formed in my throat. My eyes stung. But I didn't cry; I wanted to, but I couldn't. Even though I tried, no tears came, and all I could do was make forlorn noises and gasps, going through the motions of crying, clutching my hair and trying to pull it out to force the tears to come, but they wouldn't. I also felt my heart burning, and my throat, and lungs, until finally I noticed that I had stopped breathing completely. Every cell in my body rang, reverberated like a singing gong. I could feel my heart breaking, but it was just a notion, just something I didn't understand, until finally I couldn't take it and I slammed my face down onto my pillow, forcing sleep to come.

The Grief began.

-x-

"Okay, Sakura, it's your turn."

"Hm?"

"Now you have to tell me your most embarrassing moment!"

"No, no, yours didn't count, Naruto, I already knew it."

"But falling onto Sasuke's face that time is the single most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me… what else could compare?"

"Oh, fine. Let me think. Um… oh yeah, I got it. One of many times I've embarrassed myself in front of Sasuke. He'd taken a very brief ten minute break from his busy schedule to see me try on a kimono for the Shinobi Alliance Awards, the very prestigious event we three Sannin were invited to attend that would be televised worldwide."

"You say it like I wasn't right there with you... felt like royalty that night."

"Yeah, it was amazing. Anyway, I really needed to go to the bathroom but Sasuke had lots of papers that needed filing and refused to let me go, briskly taking me by the arm and to a small boutique with vintage bird cages painted white and adapted to lamps and quotes written on chalk boards. I remember very clearly because my skin felt tingly where Sasuke touched it. But don't tell him I said that!"

"Haaa… yeah, no worries…"

"I remember I was feeling really dehydrated all week, so I'd been drinking water non-stop. I said I needed to pee, but he was like, 'Just hold it in.' So, I went into the changing room with the kimono and was all set, but as soon as I undid my belt… well, it was like a dam had broken down there."

"You're kidding!"

"Unfortunately, no! Oh my god, Naruto, it was so bad. Once I started I couldn't stop, and Sasuke was like, 'What's that noise?' So I started to sing to cover up the pitter-patter of my innermost workings, and well, ended up sounding like I'd gone mad."

Naruto doubled over laughing.

"It gets better. There was a silence after I stopped where I just kind of stood in the stall and Sasuke asked what had happened. Then he was like, 'You didn't.' And I was like, 'You told me to hold it in!'"

"That's soooo bad!"

"Right? By this time I felt like I was going to burst into tears – I mean, I'd just wet myself in the company of the love of my life, in case you didn't know, which is basically the worst thing that can ever happen to you, or at least it feels like it at the time. I was like, 'What do I do?' And Sasuke goes, 'Okay, I have an idea, but you have to let me in.'"

"…He came in?"

"I know! And I was like whoa there sailor. I mean, I was still clothed, save for my belt, but this was the women's changing room. Of course I objected at first, but I didn't really have much of a choice. So I let him in, reluctantly, and he examined the wet patch on the back of my skirt, made a big show of acting really disgusted, which just made me feel really great about myself, thanks, Sasuke, and then finally put a simple genjutsu over me so I appeared normal. We sprinted out of the store and back to my house, exploded into my room, took one look at each other, and fell over laughing. I never went back to the boutique."

"Okay, you win."

"Yeah."

"…Hey, Sakura?"

"Hm?"

"How come you can tell me all this embarrassing stuff… but when Sasuke's around you act all different?"

"How do you mean?"

"I don't know how to explain it really. But, it's like, you don't try to act so responsible and grown up when it's just the two of us."

"Oh. I guess that's because…"

"Yeah?"

"Well… I care more about how Sasuke sees me. In a bad way. A self-conscious way. But I'm more comfortable with you, even though Sasuke's the one I love, it's like… I love you too, but in a different way? I'm not making any sense."

Naruto beamed. "No. It makes perfect sense."

-x-

The next day, I had a sparring match planned with the boys.

They can't spar without me, lest one of them go too far (which almost always one of them does) and I be necessary for healing.

I didn't go.

I locked my door and drew the curtains across my windows. I asked my mother to call in sick at the infirmary on my behalf. I told Ino when her inner gossipmonger reared its head and asked where I was that I'd come down with something even I had yet to diagnose and wouldn't be in for at least the next week. She seemed satisfied with that answer and ended my call by saying someone was on the other line and we had to catch up soon when I was better and her schedule cleared up.

I knew the boys were waiting for me. I didn't care. I knew Sasuke would be getting impatient by now. I knew Naruto would be babbling on. Usually I would feel terrible for channeling Kakashi and bring them something special on the way if I was late. Something they both like, perhaps freshly brewed tea in a flask or a little snack I found on the way in the markets. I wouldn't cook them something myself, that'd be more of a punishment.

They would tease me when I arrived, Sasuke might give me a small, polite smile if he was in a good mood, if not he'd roll his eyes and stalk off but he wouldn't be mad for long, not at me, not ever. Naruto would probably do something annoying like ruffle my hair or pinch my cheeks and tell me how cute and short I am compared to him. If he was feeling cheeky he might test his luck and call me Piglet, and I'd probably punch him into Lightning Country. We would have a lovely day – those were the days I looked forward to the most. We would sit around in the afternoon and talk until as late as midnight, when the boys would walk me home, and then I'd invite them inside, and they'd probably end up sleeping over in beanbags or just on the floor. In the morning I'd wake up before them, laugh at their drooling sleep faces and weird positions and sleeptalk, then go to work, wishing.

I knew what would happen if I went… it's what I didn't know that was killing me.

Were they kissing? Intertwined in the grass, passionate and sweating in the heat, or maybe just light and sweet, soft feather-light touches that leave them breathless?

Was Sasuke telling Naruto to shut up, or did he like the sound of Naruto's voice?

Did Naruto mind that Sasuke was impatient, or did he shake his head and lighten the mood with a lame joke that Sasuke would scoff at? Did Sasuke like Naruto's jokes? Would they be so caught up in each other they wouldn't notice if I ever showed?

Were they falling more in love the longer I was gone?

I felt sick. Like I might puke. I couldn't stop thinking about Sasuke's expression, the ecstasy, pleasure, and how terribly right it seemed for him to look that way, how he deserved to feel that way, how I couldn't give that to him. I had probably imagined something like that expression on his face in one of my many dreams that he made a cameo in, but it had never been so vivid and clear, and I had always been its cause.

It didn't make sense. My universe consisted of two straight boys who loved me (openly or not). No matter how I looked at it, that's what I always thought at the core of the matter, from the day we became a team. But the fabric of my universe must have grown worn over the years. It was weak now, and things that didn't belong could break through the woven threads like spider webs, like best friends kissing and moaning and touching in ways they should not have been. Those boys were my boys, not anyone else's, not each other's!

A knock on my door interrupted my thoughts. I sat perfectly still and waited, muffling my chakra. Hopefully whoever it was would just leave.

"Sakura?" came Naruto's hesitant voice. I did not reply. There was hushed whispering on the other side. "Sakura, are you in there?"

"…No," I said.

A pause. "Are you alright? We were worried that you hadn't shown up for our sparring match today – I thought you might have forgotten or something, but yeah anyway so I came to see what's up. Your parents said you haven't left your room since yesterday, not even for meals, 'ttebayo! I found the files you were gonna hand in lying all over the place by my office and I thought something terrible had happened, like maybe you fainted or got kidnapped or something, but I knew you could handle anything, you'd probably just kick the kidnapper's asses, haha, oh yeah thanks for handing those in by the way, just next time don't leave 'em lying around 'cos some of them blew out the window and we almost lost some really valuable information, dattebayo. Good thing I have so many underlings to fetch them for me. Sasuke and I had fun spitting watermelon seeds at them while we were waiting for you – well, trying to, it's harder than it looks. Anyway, what's up? Are you sick or something? Why don't you just heal yourself? Or is it something else? Do you need our help? Sakura? Is everything okay?"

No, I thought. But you needn't worry. Just go and live happily ever after with Sasuke, go on, really, leave me behind again for all I care.

I heard the doorknob rattle. "Can we come in, please?"

"…Is Sasuke with you?" I asked bitterly.

There followed a brief silence.

"Do you want me to leave?" Sasuke asked uncertainly.

There was the tiniest hint of hurt in his voice, and I felt very happy about that. The thought of hurting Sasuke seemed like a new and wonderful thing, and I couldn't wait to do it again. Strange, I thought. Maybe I wanted Naruto to hurt, too, and maybe they should both hurt together while I hurt alone, since they seemed to prefer each other's company so much more anyway, and maybe they should just rot in hell for all I cared.

"I want you both to leave," I replied venomously.

There was a sharp intake of breath from the other side, and one of them tried to open the door again, urgently this time. For some reason I still cannot understand, this simple action filled me with unfathomable rage. The Grief developed its own will and stretched out from where it had consumed my heart to gnash its teeth and claw out their eyes. The loudest, largest, most beastly scream surged from my mouth, shook the walls, and startled both of them plus myself. Amidst the stunned silence, I said something horrible. Only after I said it did I realise I could never take the words back.

"Go away and never come back again! Don't you understand? I never want to see either of you again, you lying, dirty, disgusting idiotic jerks! I hate you, I hate both of you! I don't want you here – just leave!"

Naruto whimpered and started to say something, but couldn't seem to form the words.

"Sakura…" Sasuke seemed to be at a loss, too.

There was a very long silence and I was filled with dread; what had moments ago seemed like a lovely idea I now regretted wholeheartedly and wished to undo, but at the same time I simply couldn't. Because, it was true – I did want them to leave. Maybe I even hated them, too. I thought they had left, the silence stretched that long.

Until I heard Naruto say, valiantly overcoming the thickness in his voice, "We'll be here for you whether you want us or not."

I heard the sound of receding footsteps only until the boys reached the bottom of the stairs, paused to share a brief flurry of words with my anxious mother, who thanked them and apologised for my behavior. They declined an invitation for dinner, saying it was probably best they leave, and indeed left with a soft click through the front door.

The Grief, that same ghastly feeling from the previous night, came back and struck me once again with more force. This time, I did cry. I hugged my knees to my chest and just cried, for an hour, before I buckled back onto my pillow and fell asleep again with a nasty headache. I had a dream that night. I dreamed a memory.

-x-

"Ugh, fuck…"

"Sasuke, please."

"Sakura, please. I can't get this stupid jar open…"

I giggled. "What, the great Sasuke Uchiha has been bested by a mere pickle jar?"

"Har, har. But this thing's been melted on and sealed by the Fourth himself, I swear."

"Give it here."

"Okay, but I'm telling you, that lid is stuck on really good—"

Pop.

"…"

"Hah! I never thought I'd see the day Sasuke Uchiha pouted because a girl could open the jar that bested him! What a marvelous day this has turned out to be!"

"Shut up."

I remembered thinking, I guess that's it. I open his jars, not his legs, and I will forever be doomed to maintain this jar opening status. Because this boy is not my boy, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I give – but that thought was pushed into a drawer and locked away before it had time to fully take form. I never thought it again.

Until now.

-x-

The next morning, I didn't hear from the boys at all. I'm not sure how I felt about that.

I went to my calendar and marked the day I saw them together, after much pondering, the name I thought to be most apt. That's when "The Armageddon" and all its woe came truly to fruition. I also marked the following day, "The Day I (Unofficially) Resigned From My Friendship With The Boys". Though it was long, it was all I could come up with to accurately summarise yesterday's events, as the majority of it had been spent weeping underneath my duvet looking at an old photo album filled with pictures of twelve-year-old versions of Team 7 that didn't seem real.

After staring at the calendar blankly for ten minutes, a harsh growl from my stomach reminded me I hadn't had a bite to eat in two days. I should have been ravenous, but the thought of food made me cringe. Still, it wouldn't do for me to starve myself on top of everything that had happened in the last few days, so I forced my tired legs downstairs and trudged gloomily into the kitchen. My mother's jaw dropped when she saw me and only then did I remember I hadn't showered in the days I spent isolated in my room, either, and probably looked like the Bogeyman incarnate.

I ignored the gaping woman that was my unfortunate relation and made a beeline for the freezer. A large tray of ice sat mostly untouched. Strangely, my mouth watered and I pulled the tray out in its entirety, setting it on the counter and digging in with vigor. I could feel my mother's eyes on me but fought valiantly to snub her, as I knew that all she was looking for was to try and console me, which I was definitely not in the mood for.

When my mother tried to console me after Sasuke left, still the unparalleled darkest period in my adolescent life, she had ended up a sobbing, hacking mess, wailing "I've failed as a mother!" and "Look, I'm completely useless!" and in the end I was the one doing all the consoling. She later called all her three sisters and they gathered around her kitchen table, handing around a box of tissues, listening to my mother's sobbing, their eyes gleaming in secret triumph at having raised their children better than poor, hopeless Sakura, who still had a crush on that boy – the traitor, what a scum, the boy that everyone had thought was going to grow to be a true prodigious shinobi not three days earlier. I knew that none of them knew Sasuke like I did.

My mother hovered as I slipped cube after cube of ice into my mouth and crunched. I could tell she was fighting against the urge to say something, clearly losing the battle.

"Come now, Sakura, you haven't eaten anything proper for a good two days and that ice has no substance. Would you like me to make you something? Some nice, light rice balls maybe? Or if you want I could make a whole pot of your favourite curry?"

"No thanks."

"Not even a sandwich? It's getting close to lunch time you know—"

"It's only ten."

"Brunch, then?"

"I'm fine."

"A cup of tea…?"

"I said I'm fine."

My mother bristled but maintained her composure, leaving the room with a quick, "Well, if you change your mind, I'm in the living room with your father. I'll call in sick for you again, okay dear?"

I nodded. I've never actually taken sick days before, because I can usually heal myself. I think even my harebrained mother knew that there was definitely something she couldn't understand manifesting beneath my hostile façade, something that required a few sick days, even if she couldn't call The Grief by name. Before she left, mother called out, "I'm here to talk!"

I heard her sigh heavily in the other room and start whining to father, who grunted and said he's going to the pub and he'd be back in a few hours, even though the pub wouldn't be open until at least the afternoon. I heard my mother pretend as if she didn't know where he was going. To see that whore on the other side of town who was younger and slimmer than her and probably even me, then she'd call her sisters and cry to them and be a burden but they liked drama anyway. When father returned that night, smelling of sex and alcohol as if he wanted us to just kick him out already, mother would smile and ask what he wanted for dinner and be a perfect housewife on the outside, but at night they'd sleep with their backs turned and wonder, "How did my life turn out this way?"

My parents were the perfect example of what I never wanted in life. They were the reason I became a shinobi and buried myself in my work.

When I made my way back upstairs, after taking a long shower in which I did less cleaning and more aimless standing and thinking, I put on a fresh pair of nightclothes and sat on the edge of my bed. I wasn't sure what time it was – maybe midday. Coming out from the shower triggered a memory of a day that now seemed so frivolous, I didn't think it deserved a name anymore. "The Incident", it was.

That day, Naruto had lied to me. He said, "Sasuke and I were…" and he paused, then said, "training". I believed the part about he and Sasuke doing something. It's the training part I didn't buy. I never wanted to think about what they may have been doing that afternoon that was either so dangerous or so taboo they couldn't tell me, but now I thought I could hazard a guess. I was outraged. So, what, they'd busted into my house in order to wash up after a quickie on the Hokage's desk? Returning from another one of their really long missions? Oh, it must have just killed the two lovebirds to have been apart for a whole month, the poor things. Perhaps, next time, I should put them out of their misery. That's what you do when an animal is suffering, right?

Had the boys even considered where I would fit into the equation with their relationship underway? Had they bothered to find me one? Did they have room left for me at all?

-x-

When I'm stressed, or worried, or feeling anything above raw exhaustion or hunger, I freeze trays of ice cubes and eat them individually with big, ravenous chomps. I don't know why, or how, my teeth stand the abuse, but it's something the boys noticed for me back in the early days of Team 7. I remember because it's the first time Sasuke came to my house…

"Sakura."

"Hm?"

"What, uh… what are you doing?"

"What?"

"I don't think she even knows she's doing it, Naruto."

"Doing what, you guys?"

"Sakura, that's the sixth cube of ice you've gone out of your way to traverse one whole room to retrieve since we started studying for the Chunin Exams."

"Uh, well… don't you think you may be exaggerating a bit, Sasuke?"

"No, really. We counted. Are you too hot or something?"

"No…"

"Haha, maybe you should take off your—OW! I was gonna say cardigan, dattebayo…"

"Idiot. Think before you speak next time."

"Shut up Sasuke, you could have made the same mistake!"

"No, because I'm not mentally retarded like you."

"Boys, if you start a fight in my house I'm kicking you out to fend for yourselves in the streets."

"Sorry…"

"Hn."

"…"

"…"

"Sakura."

"Hm?"

"You just did it again."

"Guys, I'm freaking out! Is there something wrong with her? SAKURA, ARE YOU OKA—OW!"

"Don't be stupid, she probably just has a nervous habit."

"I do not."

"…"

"…"

"Did you seriously just say that as you were putting another ice cube in your mouth?"

"Shut up…"

"So Sakura does have a nervous habit, like when I say dattebayo, 'tteba—OW! What was that for?"

"For being annoying. Ouch!"

"Ugh!"

"Oof!"

"Ow, ow, ow!"

"That's it – to the streets with both of you!"

Nervous habit was maybe an understatement. After "The Armageddon", I literally lived off of ice cubes. If it didn't freeze fast enough, I would eat the partly frozen, spiky shells and shards that formed on top to satisfy my grievous cravings. Ice was my ultimate comfort food, no matter how much it hurt my mouth. I decided I was a defective female. Instead of stuffing my face with ice-cream and chocolates, I stuck to the tasteless, biting-cold ice cubes. I think it's because they were as bland as my life without the boys.

-x-

swiggety swag review or you're a fag