"'Ride the Comix'?" Mario read off the sign above the next attraction with slight confusion in his voice, "I never quite understood why purposely misspelling something somehow makes it cooler."
"I don't know either, bro.," Luigi agreed, "then again, I probably shouldn't talk; I still think Pet Rocks are kinda cool…"
"Well, gee, guys, here's a brilliant idea:" Wario sneered, "Why don't we just go ON the ride and see what's oh-so-dang-cool about it!?"
"Oh gosh, did Wario actually come up with a good idea for once?" Daisy asked sarcastically, "It's a miracle!"
"Grr… Can it, lady! I always come up with good ideas!"
"Like what?"
"Well… Um… How about you take a long walk off a short pier? That's a good idea!"
Daisy just rolled her eyes and decided to ignore further conversation with Wario. Instead, she and the rest of the group got into the line for the ride, which was located within DisneyQuest's Score Zone. It didn't take them long to see what the ride was really like.
"Hey! Look at that!" Waluigi shouted pointing to a group of people on the ride, "It's a Wii on steroids!"
Actually, Waluigi's 'description' wasn't that far from the truth. The current riders were all standing in a 'spaceship' and were wearing virtual reality helmets! Furthermore, they were all holding flashlight-like objects and swinging them around like swords!
"Heh, heh… Whoa boy…" Wario snickered, "Somebody's gonna sue…"
"I dunno…" Luigi mumbled, "I'm not sure VR helmets are a technology that can be copyrighted…"
"I'm talking about the thing they're holding, stupid, not the thing they're wearing."
"Well… Uh… You didn't elaborate?" Luigi suggested meekly.
As the group continued down the line, a Cast Member handed each of them a rather odd object. It looked like a beanie hat with a knob on the back.
"Hey! Look!" Wario called out, putting the hat on the back of his head, "I'm a Jew!"
"Right…" Peach murmured, not amused, "So, besides giving Wario ammunition for politically incorrect jokes, what is this thing for?"
"Hmm…" Mario pondered, "Oh, I get it! See those VR helmets? They're hanging from the ceiling, to keep people from running off with them, I guess. You put these little hat things on your noggin so that the helmets have something to attach to when you pull it over your head! That way, they don't come flying off during the ride!"
"Eh, I'll just stick with making jokes that give PC weenies a heart attack, thanks," Wario commented.
"Whatever you say, fatty," Daisy replied.
"HEY! I'M NOT FAT!" Wario protested, "I'M HORIZONTALLY CHALLENGED, GOT THAT!?"
It took Wario five seconds before he realized the double-standard he just pulled off.
"I mean… Uh… Well, you can't make fun of me 'cuz I'm Wario! Everyone else is fair game."
Eventually, it was the group's turn to 'ride the comix'. After getting oriented on the playing platform, they pulled the VR helmets down over their heads. Just like Mario had predicted, the helmets clicked into place over the funny-looking hats they were given before.
"Hey! This is cool!" Luigi called out, "You're looking at everything like it's real! The camera even moves when you move your head!"
Luigi turned to face his brother who, in the game's world, looked like a stereotype, muscle-bound superhero.
"Nice spandex, bro," Luigi snickered.
"Same for you," Mario shot back, "chalk that up as one thing I don't want to see outside of virtual reality!"
Suddenly, the 'true' hero of the ride jumped down onto the spaceship that everyone was riding and gave a brief summery of what was going on. Apparently, the villains of the comic book were tired of losing to him and wanted to challenge the comic's readers instead. The best way to fight the super villains was to use 'laser swords', which were the flashlight-like objects in real life.
"Okay, I get it already, pretty boy!" Wario whined, "There's a bunch of bad guys who need to get their butts whooped, Jedi style! Sheesh, I don't need Spandex-Man ordering me around!"
"Just make sure to wear the wrist strap," Waluigi reminded, "We're still paying off that TV you managed to put a Wii-mote through, Wario…"
"HEY!" Wario promptly interrupted, "We're in a superhero world now! Therefore, I demand that you call me by my superhero name… The Purple Wind!!! Silent, but deadly!"
"You got that right…" Daisy mumbled.
"Since when did you have a superhero name!?" Waluigi demanded, "Fine! Then I'll be… Uh… Eggplant Man! Defender of all that is… Egg and… Plant… y…"
"I'm pretty sure that one's been taken already," Peach intervened, "anyway, I think the ride is starting!"
Sure enough, she was right. The spaceship took off and flew into a giant comic book! Instantaneously, they were inside a sewer (the lair of the villain they were after), and they began getting attacked by sewer rats!
"What!? Rats!? Sheesh… Give me a break!" Wario groaned, swinging his sword around, "Take this! And that! Give me a real challenge already!"
"I think you're getting your wish…" Mario replied, "Werewolf at twelve o'clock!"
"At twelve? What am I supposed to do until then!?"
Wario got cut short when the said werewolf suddenly leaped in front of him and began slashing at him!
"WAAA!!! Get offa me, you Twilight Princess reject!" Wario screamed until the monster was defeated, "Yeah! Go back to the Transylvania where you belong, you freak!"
The next wave of enemies was a huge swarm of flying robots that began flying in and shooting at everyone.
"Yikes! Look at 'em all!" Luigi hollered, "Gah! I got one! Two! Eek! Three!... Man, they're hard! How you doing, Mario?"
"Twenty-five! Twenty-six! Ha! Piece of cake!... Uh… You say something, Luigi?"
"Sigh… Never mind…"
Finally, the group reached the villain they were after: a large, fat, bodacious man by the name of 'The Toymaker.'
"Oh gosh…" Daisy gasped, "It's Wario's long-lost twin."
"I heard that!" Wario snapped back, "And I believe you mean it's the Purple Wind's long-lost twin, am I correct?"
"Whatever, this freak-a-zoid's goin' down!" Waluigi shouted, "He's too ugly to let live! Eggplant Man shall put him outta his misery!"
"Yeah!... Wait a sec… If he's my long-lost twin and you're saying he's ugly, then…"
He got cut short (again) when an army of wooden soldiers began shooting their miniature rifles at them. Apparently, they had to fight the Toymaker and his henchmen at the same time!
"Oh great, those clockwork soldier ghosts have come back to haunt me again…" Luigi moaned, "And me without my Poltergust 3000…"
"Good thing, too," Mario retorted, "I'm still recovering from the attempted liposuction you did on my face the last time you used it!"
"Trust me, that wouldn't have helped in the least bit, loser!" Wario interjected.
The following battle was intense… or, at least, as intense as virtual reality could make it. After fighting through swarms of foot soldiers, the group finally put the smack-down on the Toymaker who, like all good villains, resorted to fleeing before the final blow was delivered. However, their main mission was still accomplished, so they teleported back out of the comic book, where the hero was waiting with their final scores.
"Woo-hoo!" Mario cheered, "That was great! I got a really high score! How'd you do, bro?"
"Uh…" Luigi trailed off, "Let's just say the absolute value of my score is impressive…"
"Same here…" Waluigi added, "At least, I think… What does absolute value mean again? I dozed off in math class in high school."
"Oh yeah!" Wario celebrated, "Killin' that Wolf Link wannabe got me major bonus points! I dare anyone to top that!"
"I did," Daisy countered with a playful smirk, "I killed two wolfmen."
"SAY WHAT!? You stinkin' little cheater! Don't make me use this laser sword on you!"
Once Wario's bickering died down, everyone looked to see who truly got the highest score. The results shocked them.
"PEACH!?" Mario, Luigi, Wario, Waluigi, and Daisy all shouted in unison.
"Well, what can I say?" Peach replied with a giggle, "Swinging a laser sword is just like swinging a parasol, only without the gliding ability, of course."
There was an awkward silence before Mario spoke up again.
"Next time Bowser invades your castle, just grab a sword and you're on your own."
"So, I was thinking…"
"That's a dangerous thing, Wario."
"Har, har, Mario, that was so funny I forgot to laugh… Anyway, as I was saying, I was thinking that me and that Jack Sparrow guy all the girls fawn over aren't all that different. I mean, I'm witty, dashingly handsome in a very unique way, and I love stealing cash from people! So why does Mr. Dread Head get all the love and I don't?"
"Wario, the only thing you have in common with Jack Sparrow is that we'd be more than willing to chain you to a ship mast and let a giant squid eat you."
"Hey, Daisy, did I ask you? No!"
Wario folded his arms and leaned against a wall to sulk while the group waited in line for their final attraction at DisneyQuest: Pirates of the Caribbean: Battle for Buccaneer Gold, the highlight attraction for the Explore Zone.
"For the record, I think I'm as good as that weirdo," Wario declared to no one in particular, "I could practically replace that loser in the movies!"
"Wario as Jack Sparrow…" Luigi mumbled, "That sounds like some horrible parody fanfiction."
The green-clad plumber thought for a moment and then turned towards the 'fourth wall.'
"Seriously, don't try it. Close out of that Microsoft Word document now."
"Luigi?" Mario asked, "Who are you talking to?"
"Erm… No one."
Soon enough, the group was called over to board the ride. However, a small problem arose. The ride 'vehicles' were small rooms that looked like the deck of a pirate ship that had one steering wheel and four cannons, making the maximum number of people per 'crew' five.
"So… Who wants to sit out?" Peach asked.
All eyes turned to Wario.
"What?" Wario whined, "What's everyone lookin' at me for?"
Rather than reply, the rest of the gang walked into one of the rooms and shut the door.
"HEY!" Wario shouted, banging on the door, "LET ME IN!!! MAKE WALUIGI SIT OUT! NO ONE LIKES HIM!"
Waluigi promptly stuck his head out and glared at Wario.
"I think 'Captain Wario Sparrow' or whatever you want to call yourself now needs to find his own ship," Waluigi suggested before sticking his tongue out and slamming the door again.
"Well, fine then! I will!" Wario shouted back, "… Savvy?"
"Okay, so how does this work?" Daisy asked as she looked around.
"Well, we need a captain and four gunners," Mario explained, "the captain steers the ship and the gunners shoot down enemy pirate ships to steal their cash."
"Oh! Can I be captain?" Waluigi volunteered.
"Uh… I don't think you're a good driver, are you?" Luigi recalled.
"What are you talkin' about!?"
"Didn't you drive smack dab into a waterfall during the Double-Dash tournament? It took a week to get all the rust out of the undercarriage, if I recall correctly."
"I thought it was a shortcut! There's always something behind the waterfall!... Except that one, of course."
"I'll be captain," Mario intervened, "you guys can all be the gunners."
Once everyone was in position, the ride began. The giant screen around the room showed a vast ocean full of islands and ships… all shooting at their ship! Luigi, Peach, Daisy, and Waluigi began firing away at all the enemy ships, eventually sinking them and claiming the gold as their own, while Mario steered the ship around, looking for more opponents to face. This kept up for a while until…
"YIKES!!!" Luigi screamed, "GHOST SHIP DEAD AHEAD!!!"
Luigi was 100-percent correct. Out of nowhere, a giant phantom ship appeared with ghosts that flew down, not only to damage their ship, but to steal their treasure!
"Oh boy, good thing Wario isn't here to see this," Peach commented, "he'd flip!"
"I'm not sure Waluigi's much better, though," Daisy countered, motioning to the purple-clad plumber.
"Hey! Get yer stinkin' undead hands off my virtual treasure!" Waluigi shouted, "It took me five minutes of endless toil to get it!"
The battle was brief, but intense. The boat was on the verge of sinking when Luigi let out the final shot that capsized the phantom boat, reclaiming all the treasure they had stolen!
"Oh yeah!" Luigi cheered, "Even without my Poltergust 3000, I can still kick ghost 'booty'! Get it? Booty, like in both 'butt' and 'treasure'?"
"We get it, and it is lame," Waluigi dead-paned.
With the ghost ship defeated, their final treasure count was ranked. In the end, the group managed to collect enough treasure to claim the title of 'King of the Caribbean'!"
"Yahoo! We did it!" Mario celebrated, "Great job, everyone!"
Satisfied, the gang got off their 'boat' and made their way to the exit. On the way, they ran into a very exasperated Wario.
"Wario? Are you okay?" Peach asked, "You look pretty worn out."
Wario just glared at his rival.
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to pilot a ship and operate four cannons at the same freakin' time!?" Wario spat, "Riding sea turtles off a deserted island is easier than that!"
"Uh… Is he gonna keep using awkward Jack Sparrow references for the rest of the trip?" Mario asked nervously.
"Heh, probably…" Waluigi replied, "Why?"
"'Cuz if he keeps this up, he's gonna start calling me Mario Turner. I just know it."
Author's Note: Head, meet desk. Desk, head. Now, exchange pleasantries... WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! Okay, now that I've got a lump the size of Tall, Tall Mountain on my noggin, I'd like to apologize for the delay. Schoolwork's been a monster lately (apparently, all the teachers want to get their last sick kicks in before the end of the year), but it will soon be summer, and I can update all I want! Even better, I'm going back to Disney World this year! Yay!
Yes, I know, it seems like I go every year... My mom's a Disney freak, and she'll do everything in her power to make sure we have enough cash to go every year. Supposedly, according to her, I really don't need that second kidney...
Oh, and if you really want to ignore Luigi's warning and go write Pirates of the Mushroom Kingdom: Curse of the Black Ztar or something, you can go right ahead... Just give me credit for the idea, okay?