A/N – A bit of silliness inspired by the episode "Brain Drain." Dan & Swampy own everything, including the dialogue. I will get back to "Thumbs Down," but haven't had a lot of time for writing lately, and just really needed to do something trivial.
Drained in the Brain
"Ferb!" Baljeet complained in an accusatory tone. "Did you let me win to save my fragile nerdy ego?"
"Oh, I'd never do that," the green-haired lad replied. It was the absolute truth; Baljeet's ego had nothing to do with it. Ferb would have preferred to spend his sick day lounging in bed with a good book, but of course Phineas had to do something. So, here he was, roped into playing a video game with his brother and their friends. The matches and re-matches were bound to go on for hours, but all he had to do was surrender the first round to Baljeet, and perhaps he could be miserable in peace for a while.
Ferb disliked being sick. The coughing and snorting, the scratchy throat, the stuffy ears, the general sense of fatigue – but most of all he dreaded the mind-numbing feeling of running a fever. Luckily, today's was a low grade one, so he was still coherent, but to this day his father told stories of how Ferb, at three, had run a temperature high enough to make him think he could fly out the window like a bird. And Ferb, himself, still recalled being sick enough at six that Mum had dunked him in a freezing cold bath to break that fever. He even shivered a bit at the wretched recollection, and hoped she would remember to get the cherry-flavored Mucus-B-Gone this time.
Phineas was battling Buford when the giant screen was consumed by static. "Uh-oh! Power surge," the red-head remarked. Then, just as quickly, the static cleared and the scene switched to a junkyard where a bipedal platypus wearing a strange helmet stood motionless. "No, wait! Ooh, a Perry level!" exclaimed Phineas. "Nice graphics."
Ferb knew that tone. It translated to, "Good job, bro." But he had never designed a 'Perry level' for the game – in fact, there was nothing in the game that he and Phineas hadn't created together.
"Okay, Perry the Platypus." From off screen came a raspy, Germanic voice, a voice that Ferb knew. In fact, it sounded a lot like the voice in the MegaStore that had called out, "Vanessa! Vanessa!" – his introduction to the beautiful name of the beautiful girl he adored. A new figure entered the game, an odd-looking man in a lab coat, with a pointed nose and a slouching posture. Ferb blinked. The character on the screen even looked like Vanessa's father. At least, as nearly as Ferb could recall. "All charged up and ready to…" The man poked at a remote control clutched in his hands and griped, "Oh, great. Now what's wrong with it?"
A video game character inspired by their pet, Ferb could imagine. But why on earth would he – or anyone else – have put Vanessa's father into the game? And Phineas was right, the graphics were superb, far more realistic than anything they had generated. Now, Perry's arm shot stiffly outward and the man in the lab coat said, "I didn't do that."
"I did that!" Phineas realized, working his game pad. "But I only seem to have control of his left arm."
"Let me try!" Isabella chimed in, thumbs working. "Cool! I've got control of his left leg!"
Perry appeared surprised and distraught by this discovery – the animation was disturbingly lifelike, thought Ferb – then Buford declared, "I've got control of his right arm." Ferb winced as Buford made the platypus's right hand smack into his bill. "Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Hah hah hah…"
"Ferb's got right leg," announced Phineas. It was true; Ferb stared wide-eyed at the screen, lifting his own leg as Perry mimicked the movement.
"Oh, I have got back and forth!" This was Baljeet, expressing excitement at such an important role.
In front of him, larger than life, Ferb saw the lab coat man – he was certain that was exactly how he remembered Vanessa's father – working his own remote in frustration. "What's wrong with him? Stop it! Stop it!"
"What is the goal of this game?" Baljeet questioned.
"I'm not sure," said Phineas, as the lab coat man tried to stomp on Perry.
Ever to the point, Buford blurted out, "Who cares? Let's just fight that old pharmacist."
Why would anyone create a video game about a platypus fighting a pharmacist? Ferb's head was spinning with ever more baffling questions. And why would the platypus be called Perry, and why would he look like OUR Perry – well, our Perry if he ever actually did anything – and why would the pharmacist look like Vanessa's father – well, at least, how I remember Vanessa's father – then again, perhaps I'm reading too much into this; I suppose any man in a lab coat might remind me of Vanessa's father. I suppose I could relate practically anyone back to Vanessa, I spend so much time thinking about her, it's like one of those so-many-degrees-of-separation games…
"Sure," Phineas agreed. "This must be the Boss Level."
But we didn't build a Boss Level into this game. Unless… the game is somehow reading our thoughts… perhaps that's why he looks like Vanessa's father… I wonder if she'll turn up, as well… that could be dreadfully embarrassing…
"All right, guys, we work as a team on this one," commanded Phineas.
We're using Perry to beat up Vanessa's father. This was making Ferb's head ache. He followed Phineas's instructions almost subconsciously. None of this was making sense. Where was the thermometer? His fever must have been higher than he had realized. I'm pummeling my future father-in-law in a video game. He's never going to forgive me.
"Finish him off, Ferb!"
Surrendering to the insanity of it all, Ferb flicked the game controls, planting a webbed platypus foot right in the seat of the man's pants, sending him flying over the hill of garbage. You've still got it, old chap, he congratulated himself, symbolically blowing off his controller.
Thank goodness it was only a game.
THE END
A/N – No one else would know who Doof is, but it seems to me that Ferb should notice the "Old Pharmacist's" resemblance to Vanessa's father.