Bewilderment

Author: LonelyWriter

Summary: I love her. I want her. Why can't I have her?

Disclaimer: There is something rotten in the state of Kishimotoland. The recent chapters prove this.

…

Her cute little pink tongue was sensually licking its way up the opening of his sleep shirt causing all sorts of wonderful sensations. It was when the tongue made it to his ear and bit down that he finally acknowledged the beautiful sensations. He rolled over to give her a kiss, opening his eyes to see…Hinagiku.

He narrowed his eyes and glared at the cat as he rolled back onto his back. His dream version of Hinata had become so bold though his perverse brain had never taken them all the way. He was glad for that because he was sure he would never be able to look at his cousin again if it happened in his dreams. At least not until he experienced the real thing with her.

He groaned and got out of bed, filling the cat dish before changing. Hinagiku pounced on the food and Kyo was not far behind. The demon offspring were rather contently now all fast asleep on his recently vacated pillow. He scowled at them and made a mental note to wash his bedding.

He opened his door and slammed it before the cats could follow him down the hall. He could hear humming for the direction of the kitchen and he followed it knowing that his mother would be able to do something to cheer him up.

Hyūga Miku had her back turned on her son as he entered the room and dropped into the chair that had been his since he could remember.

"Troubled dreams?"

"By cats," he groaned and he laid his head on the table.

"You know you do not have to take care of them if you did not want to," Miku placed a bowl of miso in front of him.

"They aren't mine to get rid of," Neji sighed as he sat up and started eating his breakfast.

"Then ask Hinata-sama to find someone else to take care of them."

"I couldn't do that, Mom. It would break her heart."

Miku placed her chin in her palm and watched her only child. "She certainly has you wrapped around her little finger. When did this happen?"

"Mom," he groaned, pushing the half full bowl away. "I," he closed his mouth. How could he explain this to his mother?

"You love her." Miku said the words bluntly.

He buried his face in his hands. "What do I do?"

"Neji, we are Branch…"

Neji cut her off. "I love her. I want her. Why can't I have her?"

Miku's eyes clouded. "Neji, you are her protector, not her lover. You can never be anything more than that. Please stop these childish fantasies."

Neji didn't answer. His eyes idly traced the grain of the wood table. Was his mother right? Deep down he knew it was true but admitting that out loud would tear his heart in two. Dammit. When had he grown feelings? His stoic mask had always been there to save him. What had happened to it? Had Hinata destroyed him so thoroughly?

"I hope you are content to never have grandchildren then," he said softly as he stood and walked away.

"Neji!" his mother's voice was sharp but he ignored it as he left the house.

…

He found Hinata in her garden here she grew the herbs that she made salves and ointments from. Since she was on Hyūga property she was wearing a lilac kimono and zori. He could even see tabi covered toes as he got closer. This outfit reminded him of just how high her position was compared to his. She was at the mountain top and he was in the valley, worshiping her in awe.

Since the chocolate incident-her name for it not his-two weeks ago he had been plagued with increasingly suggestive dreams about her that were close to driving him insane. Since they started their relationship he had enjoyed learning everything he could about the sweet girl crouching next to a large maple tree, gathering the tiny treasures, especially her mouth.

He would have to be lying to say that he didn't enjoy teaching her to kiss. But now his mother's words were haunting him. He had managed to ignore those feelings because he didn't want to admit that he had fallen in love with her. But now…

"Neji-san," Hinata said in surprise as she stood up and saw him there. His gaze was instantly on her face, checking to make sure that she was healthy and happy. He suddenly realized that he was doing it for his own selfish reasons. He had to make sure that she was actually happy to see him. He had to know that his presence wasn't making her uncomfortable.

"What's going on?" she said with a frown when he didn't respond. "Neji?"

"Hinata-sama," he bowed his head. "I apologize for not greeting you properly."

"Are you going to go all formal on me again?" She was looking at him with that completely trusting look on her face that suddenly made him feel like a compete bastard. How could he possibly be thinking about taking advantage of this sweet girl?

"Yes," he sighed. "Forgive me, Hinata-sama."

Her shoulders slumped. "Do I get an explanation? Or just the cold, heartless Neji back?"

The look of deep sadness that entered her eyes almost undid him. He longed to pull her into his arms and hold her tight, saving her from himself. But he wouldn't allow himself to. Not until he had his emotions under control. Not until he could accept that one day she would be married to another man while all he would be was her protector.

"Why Neji? Why?" She looked up into his eyes as if she could read the answers there. "What happened that I disgust you?"

Her words broke him and he swept her into his arms, crushing her small form to him. "It's not you. It's me. I can't be around you every day and want you in ways that I'm not supposed to. It's almost terrifying how much I want you, Hinata. I'm not sure that I can control myself around you. So it is best if I step back and allow someone else to take over the duty of protecting you."

"Have you considered my feelings on the matter?" she whispered as she cupped his face with those delicate hands that should have never seen war and its horrors. "That maybe, just maybe, I want you as much as you want me?"

"You would be horrified if you knew where my dreams take me every night. You would think that I am perverse and sick. You would be horrified to know how much I want you," he sighed, closing his eyes.

"How much do you want me?" His eyes flew open in disbelief. Surely she could get the gist without asking.

"Right now it is taking all my willpower not to throw you down against that tree and ravish you. To make you wholly and totally mine. To ruin you for any other guy. All against my self-preservation mode that is telling me your dad would kill me for doing so. I want to fall asleep next to you and wake up in the morning with you next to me. I want you to be there when I'm ninety and am blind and helpless. I want you always. From this day to the end of forever. When forever ends, I'll want you still."

"You sound like a sappy romantic," she giggled, "Though you are right, my dad would kill you if you ravished me in the garden."

"Hinata," he moaned. She was definitely making this all harder.

She shook her head before her lips met his. He knew she had meant it to be a slow kiss but his passion broke free and soon she was pressed against the tree and his hands, the very hands of the devil, were exploring her body unrepentantly. When he finally found the strength to pull away from her he saw that her lips were swollen from his ministration.

"I'm sorry," he muttered as he allowed her to stand.

"Neji?" She sounded so confused but he did not allow himself to turn around as he walked out of the garden and then the compound. He didn't have the strength to turn because if he had he would have never been able to leave.