A nurse came out after about two hours and told them that they had run into complications in the OR but that their friend was hanging in there. Not the best news but at least it was news. The not knowing was driving everyone a little crazy. No one said much and the thoughts going around each and everyone's head didn't help keep them sane. Nick took a stroll down to the cafeteria and got them all each a sandwich and a cup of coffee. He got some chocolate bars to fill the tray as well and headed back upstairs. Fin was the only one not eating but Liv got him to at least have some coffee.

Four hours and twenty minutes later the doctor came back outside. If he'd looked sweaty the last time he looked drenched this time around. A female in scrubs was accompanying him.

"She made it through surgery. First small step. While we were patching up her stomach area she had a seizure. It was caused by, or caused another bleed so we had to open up her chest again. Her heart stopped once more but we got it going again. I think we've managed to control the chest area now. There's always a concern of infection and clots but we'll watch for that. The second bullet did some damage to her intestine but somehow managed to miss all the vital organs. We had to finish up early so we might have to go in again in a day or two and have another look. Right now though her body can't take much more. She needs to recuperate and get more blood into her system until it's safe to put her through anymore. We also stitched up two superficial wounds on her right thigh. As for her brain it's too soon to say what damage was done by the lack of oxygen. Time will tell. Have you contacted her next of kin?" the doctor asked and Cragen nodded. He'd contacted her old captain from Atlanta, Sam Reynolds, after the last time the doctor was out. He'd asked Sam to get in contact with her folks and get them here as soon as possible.

"They're out of state but will be here asap," Cragen informed the doctor who nodded.
"I'm handing her over to my very competent colleagues at ICU now and as soon as they've cleaned her up nurse Reiner here will be back out and take you to her if you want to see her," the doctor gestured to the woman behind him who gave them a somber smile as they looked at her.
"When will she wake up?" Liv asked. The doctor looked as though he was choosing his words carefully.
"We have her in a drug infused coma. She's not able to breath for herself and I can't tell you when she will be. It will be days before we even let her try to," he looked at her seriously, making sure she got him.

"Anything else you want to know?" he asked. He'd looked as though he was drained and wanted to head home when he first came out but his demeanor changed. As though he let their concerns overweight his own tiredness. They all appreciated it but really didn't know what to ask. They all just wanted him to tell them she'd be back to her old self in a day or two but they all knew the doctor couldn't do that for them.
"Nurse Reiner and the ICU team will be able to answer your questions if you think of any. And I'll be back tomorrow as well," he said as he could tell they were all stunned. Cragen thanked the doctor and then there were only the four of them again. They shattered a bit in the hallway. No one felt any more at ease with the news. It would take another half an hour until the nurse showed up again.

"I'll take you to her," she said and led the way down the hallway. "Do you have any questions?" she asked once in the elevator. Liv and Cragen shook their heads. Nick and Fin remained quiet.
"This way," the nurse said and gestured to the left as they got out of the elevator. They could all see the doors to the ICU though. There was an eerie silence in there but also a comfortable calm. They passed a few rooms with closed doors until they got to the center of the ward with the big round desk. Around it were all rooms with big glass windows. Inside every room a bed but not all were occupied. The ones that were had lots of equipment by the beds. Machines beeping, lines and tubes. It was scary to know that one of these patients was Amanda. They all looked so very broken.

Fin was eager to see her though. He wanted to rest his eyes on her anyway she looked. Nurse Reiner said something quietly to one of the many nurses behind the giant desk, too quietly for anyone of them to hear. But the nurse smiled and then looked over at the company with the same kind smile. Nurse Reiner gestured for them to follow. She went around the roundabout with them in tow and then headed into one of the glass rooms. Fin was first behind her and slowly walked around the bed as he saw Amanda's slim form underneath the sheet. She looked so very tiny and fragile on that bed. A screen above her head were drawing lines of her heartbeat and there was a beeping sound with every beat. He could barely see her face behind the breathing tube. She was hooked up to an IV line with clear liquid and one that was attached to not one but two bags of blood.

He reached out for her hand on the bed and then let his hand run up her bare arm. They'd cleaned her up good. Her skin clean and pale, dressed in a white gown and her hair entwined to one side of her face. He walked all the way up to her head, leaned in over the breathing tube that was hanging in the air above her. He needed to see her face. Wanted to see those clear blue of hers but of course he couldn't. They'd even taped them shut. He reached in underneath the tube so he could put his hand on her. He let his fingers in underneath her bangs, stroke her hair to the side. He wasn't afraid to touch her.

Liv on the other hand was. She'd walked in right behind him and walked up on the other side of the bed. She watched the clamp on her finger, the blood line going into her arm, the giant tube going down her throat and the chest rising and declining with every move a big pump to the side of the bed made. It looked bad. It looked scary. She carefully reached out and just barely touched her hand with her fingertips. Even with the slim touch she could tell Amanda felt cold.

"She's heavily medicated. No pain," the nurse told them calmly, "The breathing tube often looks scary but it's actually the best thing for her right now. She doesn't have to waste any energy on breathing, she can just focus on healing." Nick, who was left standing by the nurse side nodded as he took in the information. Cragen had walked up after Liv and tried to have a peek at his down detective. It tore at his heart to see her like this. 'You better not quit on me,' he thought to himself as he looked up at the pump that was breathing for her.

"She's cold," Fin suddenly said without looking up. More a statement but the nurse nodded.
"The blood loss. We've upped the temperature in the room but it takes a while before the room adjusts. I'll have a nurse fetch a blanket for her meanwhile," she said but remained there for a while if they had any more questions for her.

"She doesn't like to be cold," Fin said with a lower voice and Liv gave him a sad look. This must be so hard for him she thought. A few minutes went by in silence. Nick was able to drag himself to the end of her bed at least. The nurse excused herself to go get a blanket and when she came back Liv and Cragen stepped back so she could get access to the bed. Fin helped her drape the blanket over her, carefully once over her arms so not to pull any lines out. The nurse did this for Fin, she knew it didn't matter much for Amanda but taking care of patients meant taking care of their loved ones too.

"I'm going to stay with her until her parents get here," Fin told the nurse. Again more a statement but the nurse nodded. This was no place to argue and it wasn't the first time they had a cop on the ward. She knew that the police department was a big family. A partner was like a wife or a husband. Reiner figured this was her partner and she was happy to know someone would be here with her. The nurse had been with this patient for hours now. She knew this was a bad case, could go either way. But every patient, conscious or not, needed someone to hold their hand.

"You have a chair by the wall. I'm going down to the OR again but the nurses right outside will answer any questions you might have and get you anything you need. Don't hesitate to ask," she told him and gave him a brief smile even though he didn't look at her. She gave the others a smile too before she left the room. Liv, Cragen and Nick looked around at each other. Neither knew what to say really.

"You want me to wait with you?" Liv finally asked. He seemed paralyzed hovering above her. One hand still on the side of her head, carefully picking at the strands of her hair, the other one carefully resting on top of the blanket that was covering her arm. She wasn't sure if he'd heard her and was just about to ask again when he finally answered.
"I rather be alone with her," he said quietly, with a flat voice.
"Are you sure Fin?" she needed reassurance. He nodded without lifting his head. Liv gave Cragen a quick look. She felt like pushing, intruding, didn't want to leave him alone like this but if she knew him right he was being bluntly honest as always and he rather be alone right now.
"Will you text me during the night? Let me know how she's doing," she asked instead. Again it took a while but then;
"I will," the flatness in his voice worried her.
"And will you promise to call me if you need anything? At any time during the night Fin. Call me," she told him, had to wait a while but then got a nod.
"We'll be by in the morning," Cragen spoke up. Fin heard him from a far but never reflected on them leaving.

He remained standing there for quite some time. Another nurse finally emerged.
"I'm Claire. I'm one of the night nurses," she said. Fin didn't look up but noted she had a pleasant voice. Out of the corner of his eye he could see her move around slightly on the other side of the bed. She had some papers in her hands and she seemed to be writing down something on them.
"You think she's still feeling cold?" the nurse asked when she was done putting down the patients stats on the sheet. She'd seen that the man's hand sneaked underneath the blanket and that he was probably holding on to her hand or arm.
"Not as much," he said quietly.

"Yeah her temperature has gone up a bit but it's still low. You can see it there," she pointed across the bed to the screen above, to the left of the bed. Fin managed to break his gaze and followed her finger up to the screen.
"Bottom left," she said and his eyes found the degree. He nodded.
"To the right of that number you'll see her pressure and even further right her heartbeat. It should be between 60 and 100 so you can see it's a little low but it's normal in her condition," the nurse reassured him. He kept his eyes on the screen.

"Let's get you seated," the nurse finally said and went around to get the chair of the wall.
"It's been a long day for the both of you," she said as she got the chair off the ground and carried it over to him. He felt the chair against the back of his knees and he let go of Amanda's face so he could sit down. He felt unable to fight the nurse. He just willingly sat down.
"Can I get you anything? Something to eat or drink perhaps?" Claire asked but he shook his head.

"Well I'll keep bugging you during the night. We need to check her every 30 so we'll be in and out all night. You'll find the gents down the hall, where you came in," she told him and he thought he heard a slight familiar dialect. Not as southern like Amanda but hinting towards her part of the country. And then for the first time he looked away from Amanda and up at the nurse. She had dark hair in a ponytail, kind brown eyes, in her 30s perhaps, average build and all dressed in white. She came across as kind.
"Thanks," he said, he appreciated her gestures but was unable to smile at her. She smiled at him though.
"She needs peace and quiet but I don't think she'd mind to hear your voice," she gave him a nod before she headed out. He turned his eyes back at the woman in the bed again. He dug out her hand from underneath the blanket and put her palm to his lips as he leaned in. He wrapped her hand in both of his and tried to find parts of her face through the tube and lines.

"Okay you. If you can hear me... I hope you can hear me. Don't you try and duck out on me you hear. I need my sidekick. Yeah you heard me right, my sidekick. I dare you to wake up and tell me it's the other way around," he leaned down and put his cheek against her arm. It started to catch up to him. Everything that had happen. From seeing her run across the yard. Trying to catch her but grabbing air. The sun catching her hair as she ran. Seeing her flinch as a bullet hit her. How she even when shot managed to reach the boy but then that fatal shot brought her down. Cop killers. Why? Had it only been a regular bullet. It would have hurt but she'd been awake now he figured. She'd be able to breath for herself. She'd be more alive than dead.

He tried talking to her but it felt weird when she couldn't talk back. And the nurses came in and out every half an hour. It was just passed eleven pm when he texted Liv a short message. Status quo was all he wrote and he got one back saying she was thinking of them both. Not long after that suddenly the machines started beeping irregular and Amanda's body spasm once and then once more. Fin jumped out of his chair. Two nurses, one of them Claire, came rushing in. Claire put a stethoscope to Amanda's chest as the other nurse rushed by Fin to get to the monitor. A doctor came rushing in. Claire gave him some stats and he told them to give her 2 cc of something that sounded like gibberish to Fin. The machine kept beeping irregular and Fin shook his head as he got this wasn't good. Not good at all. A few more nurses had entered and the room was buzzing now.

"Let's get her on a table," the doctor finally said and the nurses started unhooking her from the wall. Claire managed to make her way over to Fin.
"Heart is beating. It's probably a bleed. It's common. Try and stay calm. Stay here. I'll be back asap," she told him with a hand on his arm. He heard her but kept his eyes on Amanda as they wheeled her out of there. It didn't take many seconds before he was left standing all alone in the room. He stood there for quite some time before he was able to move a single muscle. And then he felt very weak so he immediately sat down. I should never have sent that text to Liv he thought to himself. He'd jinxed her. He scolded himself until Claire finally came back. She didn't have much to tell him though. Just that they brought Amanda back in the OR, that a doctor Washington was working on her and they would page her the minute they were done.

"I'll be right back," she said after some silence. She would be back soon. This time with another chair and a water bottle that she touched him with until he finally took it from her. She put the chair down so he got some space and then she sat down.
"Drink some. She's going to need you so you need to take care of yourself until she's better," she told him. He felt so terribly weak that he didn't know if he could unscrew the cork but of course he was able to when he finally tried. He took a few big gulps and it felt somewhat refreshing he had to admit.

"She's your partner right?" Claire finally asked and Fin nodded after a slight hesitation. He wasn't really in the mood to talk. Didn't want anyone to think he needed to be comforted. He rather see they put all their efforts on Amanda. But he didn't want to be rude, didn't really have the strength to be either to be honest.
"Special victims. You must see some really bad stuff out there," she said with a kind smile and he nodded again.
"Partner's for long?"
"A year and a half," he managed to answer. A pause.
"She transferred from Atlanta. That's where she's from. You'd know if you heard her," he smiled slightly.
"Yeah? Heavy accent?" she smiled back. He didn't really answer just kept smiling slightly. His smile faded though as the scary thought that he'd never get to hear her voice again went through his mind.

"She's a good partner then I take it?" Claire asked quickly as she saw the smile wither. Fin nodded.
"The best," he whispered.
"That's important when you're working in such a harsh field. I know. It's not the same but the same goes in here, you need to be able to trust the person you're working next too." Fin nodded understandingly. The room fell quiet for a while.

"I heard she saved a boy?" Claire asked and Fin again nodded.
"You get to do that a lot? Save people?"
"Not as often as you hope. Many are dead when we get them but we at least get to stop it from happening again by the same hands. Most of them are victims when we get them, dead or alive. They're scarred whatever we do. But you hope it helps a little when we catch whoever hurt them," he met her eyes briefly.

"I'm sure it does." She went on to tell him a little about her work. How she mostly saw her patients in a very bad state but how she secretly followed up. Felt a need to make sure they kept on making progress when they left her ward. He knew why she did that and confessed he used to try and do that when he first started SVU. He wasn't sure when he'd stopped though, or why. Perhaps it was because the ones he did follow up on usually didn't do well at all. The scars, physical and mental, haunted them for the rest of their lives. It wasn't something that would disappear once they left the hospital or police station. He finally just decided he had to think about those who were potential victims. And those golden, rare moments when you actually got to save one from being scarred at all. That boy Amanda saved would hopefully turn out to be one of those. They talked for a while longer until Claire's beeper went off.

"They're out. I'll go and check. I'll be right back though," she said and took the chair over to the wall before she disappeared. He checked his watch. He wasn't sure when they'd taken her but it was passed midnight now. He would have to wait yet another twenty minutes before he finally heard something down the hall and soon they wheeled her in again. Claire immediately walked up to him as they hooked her up to the wall of machines again.

"Sorry it took a while. But it's rather good news. She had a bleed but it was caused by a blood clot. A blood clot that could have killed her if it reached her heart. They fixed it and patched her back together," she touched his arm lightly.
"Could she have another one?"
"Another clot?" Claire asked and Fin nodded.
"Yes. Unfortunately. She's getting medicine for it but we can't thin out her blood too much since she's still running thin on it in her system. It's a fine balance but doctor Washington has adjusted the levels now and hopefully this won't cause any more problems," she gave him a smile and rubbed his arm gently. The nurses were thinning out again and soon it was just the three of them in there again.

"I'll be back in a while. Call me if you need anything," she said and left them alone. Fin pushed the chair back to her bed but before he sat down he leaned through the tubes and lines that again were blocking his view. He touched her face carefully. He figured someone probably just minutes ago had their hand inside her. Perhaps even touched her heart. And now here she lay again. Looking frail but peaceful.

"Don't scare me like that again you hear? Enough drama for a while, comprende?" He let his fingers run down the side of her head a few times before he sat back down. He contemplated texting Liv with the last hour's events but he figured she was better off not knowing. But just minutes later he got a text and it was Liv. She let him know Amanda's mother was arriving early morning and she would, together with Cragen, get her at the airport and drive her over. No mention of the father. She ended with a hopeful 'I hope you're both doing alright!'

He put his phone down and grabbed Amanda's hand. He anxiously waited for something to happen again. But the machine kept beeping in a slow but steady rhythm and no levels on the screen rose or sunk to alarm anyone. Every now and then he'd fall asleep with his head close to her arm but it never lasted long. Every 30 minutes Claire or some other nurse entered. Claire got him a tray with a hot coffee, a sandwich and a yoghurt as morning approached. He managed to get the coffee and yoghurt down but anything solid right now didn't go well with his stomach.

At seven thirty he got a text from Liv that they were on their way from the airport with her mother. He didn't really feel nervous or curious to meet her. With everything going on he mostly felt sad she was coming because it meant he couldn't be alone by her side any longer. There had been times in the past though when he was curious. Amanda didn't speak of her parents much but he'd read between the lines and got that her father had at one point been her biggest role model but somehow fell off the throne. And he fell hard. He didn't want to probe though so he hadn't asked any questions on how or why or when. She rarely spoke of him. Fin had no idea if the parents were even married or not.

He knew she kept in touch with her mom though. She'd huff and puff whenever her number came up on her phone and she'd always let it go to voicemail when he was around. Again reading somewhat between the lines he got she wasn't the loving, home-made bread type of mom. He knew she was a dental hygienist and that's why Amanda and her sister had such perfect teeth. Amanda said during a late night talk in his bed that her mom's catchphrase was 'a pretty smile can get you anywhere'. To which she'd rolled her eyes and said it was odd since it came from a woman who never smiled.

When he'd tried to ask her something else about her mom Amanda had rolled over on top of him and got him distracted immediately. She was good at it, distracting him. Come to think of it she did that often. Sure they both were in it for the sex mostly but the few times he actually felt like wanting to know more and articulated it she found a way to sway him. Not that he mind but now he felt like he wished he knew more about her, about her parents that he'd soon meet for the very first time. And for the very first time he felt like he wanted someone to know that they weren't just partners, that they actually meant more to each other than just that. And this was what he was thinking about when he heard people coming around the front desk.

As soon as they emerged in the door he stood up, he kept her hand in his though. He briefly met the woman's blue eyes. This was clearly Amanda's mother. They shared many facial features, the same height and same slim figure. She was obviously older though but she'd aged well and if it weren't for a somewhat old fashioned hairdo she would probably be able to pass for younger than her actual age. She looked away quickly though, down to her daughter in the bed and her hands went up over her mouth in a shocked manner. She stepped forward all the way to the bed and let her mouth go with one hand so she could grab her daughter's hand. Liv and Cragen had walked in after the mother but Fin hadn't really seen them. Now though Liv came around and gave Fin a brief hug.

"Rough night?" she asked and looked at him carefully. He nodded quickly before he turned his attention back to the mother. He'd let go of Amanda's hand at some point without knowing it and for some reason that made him feel like a coward. Fin found out that the mother had been briefed outside on her daughter's condition. Her name was Bonnie he learnt as Cragen stepped forward and officially introduced them. Fin couldn't remember that Amanda had ever mentioned her name before. No hands were shaken but Bonnie gave him a look and a nod at least. Cragen went on to let Fin know that the doctor had told them Amanda was in critical condition and that it still could go either way. And during the car ride over Liv had told Bonnie what happen when Amanda was shot. Claire came in and said hi to the mother. Bonnie didn't pay much attention to her though but as she switched an IV bag Bonnie asked what she was doing and Claire calmly and clearly let her in on what was in the bag of fluids and why Amanda was given it. That seemed sufficient enough for the mom and she let Claire carry on.

Cragen turned to Fin again after a while and said; "We haven't really decided anything but I just mentioned briefly to mrs Rollins that Amanda's apartment isn't that far from the hospital and since she will need to take care of herself maybe she could sleep there instead of at a hotel. Do you by any chance know where her keys are Fin?"
"I know where she keeps them," Fin said shortly. He didn't feel like he could tell them that he actually had a set of her keys on his own keychain that was in his pocket as they spoke.

"Good. I think her place is a good environment during these trying times. I'll be back later tonight and I'll take you over there whenever you feel ready to mrs Rollins," Cragen said but Fin interrupted.
"I'll take you. Makes more sense since I've been there a few times, I'm sure I can remember my way around," he said and directed it straight to Bonnie. She gave him a quick nod.
"Please call me Bonnie," she said and Fin thought he saw a hint of a smile on her face. She kept a suspicious eye on him though but Fin knew it could just be his tired mind playing tricks on him.

After that Fin, Liv and Cragen left so Bonnie could be alone with their daughter. Fin didn't really want to leave. He was afraid he would never see Amanda again and the thought made him feel slightly panicky. As they left the room and headed for the exit Claire stopped Fin by calling out his name.
"You have a number we can reach you at? I'll put you on the notification list. That way they'll release any information they have to you when you call in." Fin appreciated this gesture much more than he was able to let on. Liv handed him her notepad and Fin wrote down his number with a pen Claire gave him.
"Thank you," he said as he handed the note and the pen to the kind nurse.
"Of course. I'll see you around okay. Get some sleep," she smiled and then left them.
"That's nice of her," Liv said as they went for the exit. Fin was too tired to respond. Cragen wanted to drive him home but Fin was relentless on making his own way home even though Cragen kept on insisting and Liv tried to convince him too. Fin was the most bullheaded of the three of them though and they finally had to watch him walk off.

"Will he be okay?" Cragen asked hoping Liv would have the answer.
"When she's awake he will be," was all she could say and they got in the car to drive to the station.

Fin had insisted on not taking up the offer his captain gave because he didn't want to go home. There was only one place he wanted to be at right now if he couldn't be by Amanda's side and that was the place that she called home. It took him a while but he needed some air and he walked to her place. He stopped by her door for a while, wanting to be able to knock on it and see her face as she open it the minute later. That smile of hers whenever he came knocking. He didn't care if it was only the sexual arousal beaming through her face. He loved that smile of hers and he probably had the same one on his whenever one of them came knocking. That happy feeling he'd felt for a second as those thoughts rushed through his mind instantly vanished as it felt as something tighten around his chest. What if he never got to see that smile again? How could he go on without seeing that smile again? It was unthinkable.

He quickly put the keys in the door and went inside. He smashed the door shut behind him and put his forehead against it as he caught his breath. He stayed like that until he felt able to move again. Then he kicked off his shoes and walked inside. The apartment was too quiet for him to even try and pretend she was there. She would always have the TV or her iPod on, she said they drained out the loneliness. Once he was there though she didn't need it and he made her shut them down cause the only sound he wanted to hear was the delightful ones she made in bed with him. And after they'd made beautiful love the only sound he wanted to hear was her soothing breath as she fell asleep next to him or her humming in the shower. The thought of her humming in the bathroom made him walk that way.

He passed the living room where everything was in its perfect place as always. Only the throw on her sofa was disturbed. It lay bundled in a corner as though she'd just been sitting there, rushed up for some reason and thrown in off herself as she got up. The door to her bedroom was somewhat shut and he pushed it open carefully. He walked inside and up to her bed. The spread lay perfect over her bed. He slipped his jacket off and threw it at the foot of the bed. He pulled the spread down so he could reach her pillow. He brought it up and pushed it against his face. He took a deep breath and hoped it would smell of her. But he could only smell the fresh scent of her detergent. It wasn't that bad though, it still reminded him of her. He lay down on her bed and pushed his face down into the pillow. He was so tired he couldn't even cry. The tears burnt the inside of his eyelids as they fell shut. He welcomed darkness. He fell right asleep.