Hi, sorry for the long wait. I got the flu. Topped it with pneumonia. I just never do things the easy way. Lol. Good news though, I'm up, antibiotics are working and best of all - I'll have 10 days home from work now and I can't wait to spend them on my fanfic.
Thanks for the reviews. Cheered me up once I got up out of bed and I love writing this. Don't want to spoil things too much but I do have a lot in store for these two...

Happy reading & happy Easter!

XXX

He would wake up about four hours later and sit up groggily. He had no trouble remembering where he was though and what had happen yesterday. He looked over at her bed stand to see what time it was. He then reached for his jacket so he could get his phone out. No missed calls or texts. He cleared his throat as he dialed directory assistance and asked to get transferred to the hospital.

"ICU," he said as the reception answered. Someone answered almost immediately.
"Could I get an update on Amanda Rollins condition?" he asked. There was a slight pause, he figured the nurse who had answered checked his number. He did appreciate that they kept security tight but he couldn't find out soon enough that she was still breathing.
"Yes, there's no change I'm afraid. She's still in critical condition," the nurse started out on a happier tone than she ended with.
"But she hasn't been back in surgery or anything?"
"No, no. Critical but stable," she said and Fin sighed thankfully.
"Is her mother still with her?" he asked.
"Yes, mrs Rollins are in with her."

"Okay, thanks," he hung up happy to hear at least she had someone with her. He lay back down and dropped the phone next to him. He didn't think he would be able to but he fell asleep again and caught another few hours of much needed sleep. The phone would wake him up. Scared it would be the hospital calling he immediately grabbed his phone. It was a text though and he was able to take a breath. The text was from Liv. She was just checking in, writing she hoped he would reach out if he needed something or someone to talk to. He wasn't sure what to answer so he just let it be. He dialed the hospital again. Went through the same procedure again. And again a nurse told him nothing had changed in her condition. Not for the worse but not for the better either. He thanked her and hung up.

He sat back up and looked around as he took a few breaths to properly wake up. Even though the room lacked personal items such as photos and frames of family it was still so much her. The dark green walls, the deep purple bedspread and curtains. The furniture made of dark wood, the odd piece of art above her bed. Her old boots hanging on a wall as a decorative. The signed Atlanta Braves jersey she was so proud of. Beside the jersey a hand painted sketch of a softball and a bat beside a dugout. Hand painted by Amanda herself in an art class in high school. She was gifted at it but too restless to truly commit to it. No she was more the running, softball playing, active type of girl. In a way his total opposite. On his free time he liked to lay back. Play videogames, watch movies, sit around and just listen to music. The only energy he liked to waste was in bed with a beautiful woman. That's where the two of them met perfectly. Besides how fierce the two of them were at work, out on the streets catching bad guys or in the interview room nailing some scumbag's ass to the wall, they were top notch in the bedroom. He couldn't ask for anything more. She gave him everything he needed and more.

As laid back as his body was he preferred his mind to be as well and he hadn't analyzed what they were doing so much. But now it dawn on him just how big of a part she had in his life. Such a big part he wasn't sure he could go on without her. He didn't like his own trail of thoughts and went in to the bathroom to use the toilet. When he was done and standing by the sink he again got lost in his thoughts. He looked through her toiletries. Imagined her standing there using them every morning. Again he had to shake himself to be able to pull away from his own thoughts. He then went into the kitchen and had a look in her fridge. As usual it wasn't much in there. He decided to go down to the corner store and get some supplies for her mom. It was still too early for him to head back to the hospital and he needed to occupy himself. So he took a stroll down to the store. He kept seeing her everywhere though. He knew she liked this corner store even if it didn't have a lot. She'd mentioned sometimes the store owners name but he couldn't remember it now and it frustrated him. Why didn't he pay more attention to what she told him.

Fin walked back to her apartment and called the hospital as he was packing up the groceries. Nothing had changed with her condition. He walked into the bedroom and made the bed so it would be set for her mom when they got there. He went out into the living room and took a seat on her couch. He managed to sit there for almost an hour as he pictured her moving around the apartment. He hadn't spent much time in that room. He saw mostly her bedroom whenever he was there. He rarely spent the night. He wasn't sure why not, now that he thought about it. He did enjoy her company and he loved when she spent the night at his place. For some reason, even how late it might be, he liked waking up in his own bed. In his own place where he knew where everything was. He was an inconsiderate lazy bum he thought to himself and sighed.

He didn't even have a toothbrush here. She had one at his place. He'd set her up with one since she spent so many nights there. But she hadn't given him one, probably because he rarely spent the night. He wondered now how that made her feel. He'd do his business and then he left. He'd never ever stopped and wondered how that made her feel. If she felt lonely in her bed once he'd gone. If she felt used or if she perhaps just wished he could stay and hold her. He knew she wasn't like him. That she didn't wipe off emotions as easily as he did. He was scared now that he'd hurt her. Even if only one of those times when he left had she felt lonely or used he regretted it. He swore to never do it again if only she could wake up. If only they could go back to yesterday morning. It had been one of those rare mornings when she didn't wake up before him. He'd found her on his arm. She'd looked so very peaceful there. Like she belonged there next to him. He'd taken the opportunity to stare at her, when he did that when she was awake she always blushed and looked away. So he'd taken his time now to let his eyes run over her face. He had such a vivid memory of that morning and all he wished for was to be able to go back there.

It was close to seven when he stepped back into the ICU ward. He recognized some of the nurses at the desk but Claire didn't seem to be around. He carefully knocked on the glass window before he stepped inside. Amanda's mother was sitting by her bed. The machines were beeping and Amanda looked just the same as when he'd left.

"Hello again," her mom said and Fin nodded as he approached the bed.
"No change I'm afraid," she continued and directed her eyes back on her daughter.
"Yeah I heard," Fin said quietly as he carefully touched Amanda's arm. She felt a bit warmer now, the blanket was gone.
"They say all we can do is wait. She's so drugged that even if she wanted to wake up she couldn't. Doesn't that thought just terrify you? I mean wanting to wake up but not being able to. It terrifies me," he was surprised to hear her talk this much. He could see the tears in her eyes. After a pause he'd asked if she wanted to go over to Amanda's place but she asked for a little more time and of course he'd grant it to her.

Within the hour though they were driving over the bridge to Amanda's apartment. He had caught Bonnie hesitating whether or not to sit in the back or the front seat. She'd finally decided on the passenger seat and buckled in quickly.

"Is this your first visit to New York?" Fin asked and Bonnie nodded.
"I've barely left Georgia before," she said while keeping her eyes on the city outside the car window.
"My daughters surely didn't inherit their restless spirits from me," she spoke with a broad southern accent but she didn't have Amanda's deep voice. Bonnie's rang lighter. Not much else was said during the drive. Fin kept his eyes on the road ahead. Fin asked if she wanted to make a stop at some restaurant to get some takeout but Bonnie said she'd eaten at the hospital. That she wasn't that hungry and would probably head straight to bed anyway. He parked right outside Amanda's front door and he carried her single bag upstairs as he led the way. He stepped in a head of her and placed the bag in the middle of the living room.

"The bedroom is in there," he pointed. "You have her car in the garage and the keys by the door if you want to drive in in the morning."
"I ain't comfortable driving in the city," Bonnie said short.
"You want me to come pick you up?" Fin offered.
"No, no, I'll take a cab once I wake up," Bonnie tried a smile but it didn't reach her eyes.
"Okay but I'll leave my card for you in case you change your mind. I've stocked the fridge a bit. You'll find a small grocery store on the corner if you need anything, there's a decent thai restaurant just around the corner and the coffee bar across the street serves iced tea Amanda has told me in case you have a craving for it," Fin got a nod from Bonnie and he handed her the keys along with his card. He started to pull himself towards the door and Bonnie took a few steps after him.

"You'll be at the hospital?" she asked and he turned slightly so she'd catch his nod.
"You'll call if anything changes?" he turned completely so he was sure she saw him nod.
"Thank you. See you in the morning then," she said not even trying a smile.
"Anytime. Do try and catch some sleep. Good night." He closed the door behind him and headed down stairs. He wanted to go back to the hospital as quickly as possible.

This would be the routine for the next couple of days. Her mom would take the day shift and he would spend the nights with her. He'd come in and drive her to Amanda's place every evening. Sometimes she took him up on his offer to bring take-out home but mostly they just drove all the way under silence and after he'd dropped her off he went back to the hospital. Their personalities really didn't click and he never felt as though he got a grip on her but still they had Amanda as the... glue. The thing that made them stick together.

But there were rare moments when Bonnie suddenly seemed to open up to him. He figured the loneliness might be getting to her and in desperation she settled with him. She mentioned she'd talked to Amanda's father, or papa as she called him. Fin wasn't completely sure exactly why the father didn't show up even after Bonnie told him why. Because just as Amanda had mentioned one time Bonnie did talk in circles so she was hard to understand at times. Fin found it strange that the father wasn't there but didn't bother thinking about it that much. His concern was Amanda right now and unfortunately she didn't care one way or the other if her dad was present or not. And he didn't really dare to think about how she'd feel about his absence once she woke up because that only got him thinking she might never wake up.
A few days later Amanda's sister was mentioned. According to Bonnie she couldn't be present either but worried just as much as papa did. Again Fin tried not to condemn but it was hard for him not to.

Fin would learn Bonnie's mood was very up and down. Surely he understood that this was a trying time but he wondered if it perhaps wasn't a regular state only just intensified a few levels. He'd met Amanda's sister only twice but he could see the family resemblance in their odd behavior. Amanda had mentioned her sister suffered from both mental illness and drug abuse. It sounded like Amanda grew up with it but after Fin had met Kim he figured it hadn't stayed just in the adolescence. Her sister was a bit of an oddball. Her mom too but it just seemed she had the advantage of having lived with it longer and was able to hide it a little bit better. Bonnie came off as a somewhat harsh woman with a stern face and she seemed reserved and guarded with a suspicious eye to anyone she didn't know. But then there was evenings when Fin showed up and she would look so very devastated and grief-stricken with tears in her eyes and that slight shiver on her lower lip that Amanda got too when times were trying.

"There's so much you wish you'd said and done when something like this happens right?" Bonnie had said as he walked into Amanda's room one evening.
"Yes," he's said as he walked up on the other side of the bed. "But you'll get the chance when she wakes up," he added to give her some hope that she clearly was in need of right then. Bonnie kept her eyes on her daughter. And then she had drifted off into her thoughts and started talking. Fin hadn't moved a muscle, listen intensely as he was getting a rare insight into his partner's past. Perhaps something not even Amanda knew herself.

"We've just never been close. I don't know why really. I wanted her so much after the miscarriage and all. Maybe it was that the pregnancy was so hard. And she was born premature you know. I couldn't hold her for several weeks. She was just so tiny. So sickly I didn't want to get too attached I guess. And her papa wasn't much help back then either. He wanted a son. Kept saying if only she'd been a boy she'd been strong enough to make it. But she showed him. Me too I guess." Bonnie made a slight pause but then started talking again after a deep sigh.

"Seems she always tried to defy me. Everything I said and she'd just go the other way. Like she couldn't take my word for that the creek was dangerous, she had to learn that the hard way and almost drown doing so. She was papa's girl. Always took his side but that fight I won. She saw his true colors later on," she got a smug look on her face as she spoke which Fin found creepy. But then her face suddenly dropped and she gave him a brief look. A look filled with so much sadness and it freaked him out a bit as he saw the resemblance to Amanda flashing by briefly.

"If I didn't hate him before I hated him so much when I saw that little girl's face break like that. Her entire world broke that day and he left me with that. That piece of," her voice had muffled and she bit down as she stroke her daughter's arm. With just a few sentences she'd painted a very sad picture for Fin about Amanda's childhood. And then suddenly Bonnie had turned to him and asked him if they could go home. Her face completely plain without any sign of that sadness that had covered her entire form just a few seconds ago. Like she was able to just flip off her feelings in an instance. Fin could not get a grip on this woman and she made it hard for him to even like her but for Amanda's sake he bared with her.

Most of the time he got to spend time alone with Amanda though. Well as alone as you could get on an ICU ward. He'd spent a few nights talking to her but then he grew just as quiet as she was. Claire or one of the other friendly nurses would keep him company for a minute or two during the night but mostly he would just sit in silence holding on to her hand. He'd catch a little sleep every now and then with his forehead to her bed so he could still hold on to her hand. In the early morning her mom would show up. He'd linger a bit so he'd be around once the doctor came around to tell Bonnie of her daughter's condition even if it never seem to give anyone of them any hope. He'd then drive in to the station. Cragen had told him to go home but he'd rather keep going. Occupy his mind with something. He mostly did paperwork though. He did take some interviews but it was obvious to whoever worked with him that his mind was elsewhere. Olivia was worried. She saw him go quieter with every passing day. She couldn't get him to open up. She got Cragen to suggest the department shrink but of course Fin refused to go see him. Cragen said it was mandatory after a shooting, that Liv and Nick had already been to see him. Fin just told him he would go once Amanda was awake. Not before that. Cragen didn't feel able to argue.

The rest of the squad would visit Amanda too but mostly during the days. Cragen stepped up and made sure Amanda's mother was being taken care of as well as his detective. Liv stopped by a night or two to keep Fin company for a bit but it didn't seem to do him any good to have her there. Fin's son Ken started to miss his dad after about a week with no contact. Ken and Fin had, after many years with a rocky relationship, these days found a good communication and Ken started to miss the one or two phone calls a week with his dad. Ken called the station and got transferred to Olivia Benson. She told him about the shooting and where Ken could find his father all night long. Ken knew, even though his dad had never told him, how much he liked this new partner of his. Amanda had spent a thanksgiving dinner with the family and stopped by at Christmas too.

Ken wondered if his dad wasn't a bit smitten with this young blonde but he'd never confronted him about it. He figured it probably wasn't such an easy situation if there were deeper feelings involved there and Ken didn't want to make it any trickier. His mom had bluntly concluded though that they were definitely more than partners. Ken trusted his mom's intuition. He'd seen the way his dad looked at the blonde and there was something about the way he touched her at times that made Ken suspicious. Mostly though he based his suspicion on the fact his dad seemed happier than he'd seemed in years. Ken wasn't so sure about what Amanda felt for his dad though. He didn't know her well enough and she seemed like such a warm and caring person it was hard to tell if it ran deeper with his dad than just her usual personality.

Ken had tried to catch Amanda on her own this Christmas just to dig a little and he'd managed to lure her away with a little white lie and a little help from his fiancée Alejandro that kept Fin occupied in another room. He'd been quite surprised just how shy she seemed to be when they were one on one. Just another side to her personality he found charming and he had caught himself hoping there was something going on between her and his dad. When he and Alejandro had discussed it back at their home Alejandro had been the bigger supporter of a potential relationship. Ken got stuck by the fact she was just a year or so older than himself which made it a bit odd. Ken was surprised his mom Teresa seemed so supportive of the potentials but then again the love between his parents had been lost for decades, replaced by some sort of distant friendship molded on the fact they shared a son.

Ken showed up at the ICU ward with a flower for Amanda and a hug for his dad. It was hard for Ken to see his dad this broken down. He sat with them for well over two hours. He tried to get his father talking but finally Fin had fallen asleep of exhaustion and Ken had sneaked out of there to let him get some sleep. He kept in contact and got updates through texting with his dad the following days. Both Ken and Alejandro kept Amanda in their prayers.

Fin wasn't a praying man but he was getting desperate. Nothing in Amanda's condition seemed to change for the better. She wasn't waking up. He held on to her hand during the nights but she wasn't really there. He tried to recall her smile, her voice, things they'd talked about. But it all seemed to fade so fast. It felt as though she was slipping away from him. He was losing his mind. His heart was breaking a little every day without her. He started to picture life without her and it wasn't the life he wanted. Life without her had no meaning. Life without her seemed pointless.