Within a week she'd managed to talk her way out of the hospital. He knew from her doctor she'd liked her to stay for yet another few days but Amanda had been so headstrong eventually her doctor had signed her out. The doctor told Fin that she was still on bed rest most of the time. It was only good for her to sit up and take small strolls around her apartment but no outdoor activity more than the every second day check-up visits at the hospital until further notice. Fin had dared to ask the doctor when she figured Amanda could be back at work and she told him it would be weeks until she'd clear her for work. Especially considering what kind of job they had.

When Fin asked what else he should keep his eyes open for when it came to his partner's recovery the doctor told him to make sure she ate properly now that they'd cleared that there was nothing wrong with her bowels. It was also important that she took her medication and didn't strain herself. Fin figured the not straining herself would be his most concern but in fact it would be quite the opposite. The entire first week all she did was sleep. She didn't eat enough nor did she take her medication because basically she just slept. Every day after shift when he came to check up on her and even during the days when he could sneak away he found her sound asleep in her bed. He was starting to worry and even called her doctor to check if this was normal.

Doctor Ally Berkoff had taken over Amanda's care once she transferred out of ICU. Fin liked Ally, she had a friendly disposition and she dealt with Amanda the only proper way – by being straight forward and demanding. Fin knew Amanda liked her too even if she did complain at times that Ally was holding her back. When Fin called Ally though she told him that sleep was a good friend to Amanda right now but if it continued for yet another week they would look into it. His worry settled some as they spoke and she told him that all of the tests looked good, Amanda showed progress and she was doing well with her physiotherapist. Ally had been on her about the importance of eating properly to gain more strength. Fin told the doctor she complained of nausea and wondered if the medication could be too strong.

Ally then informed him that the medication wasn't the problem more maybe so the opposite because Amanda wasn't taking her pills as she should and she might be feeling sick because of the pain she was experiencing. Fin bugged her about the not taking her medication when he saw her later that day. But Amanda just brushed him off with that her head felt cloudy when she took them and she didn't like that feeling. He couldn't figure out why she'd rather be in pain than take her medication. Maybe if he knew about the many pill bottles her mother had in her dresser while Amanda grew up or if he'd known about the two Bonnie had carried around, and used, in her purse her entire stay in New York he would understand why she was so reluctant about popping pills. It bugged her just seeing that container on her night stand.

By week two at home though she started to get a little more life in her eyes and Fin could relax some. He found her mostly in bed but she was awake more and he could get her out into the kitchen to have dinner with him. The pain seemed to have eased a little though she was still pale and she got feverish from time to time. She just seemed weak and not her old feisty self. Fin knew he expected too much though. She'd been basically dead a month ago and, even though it was hard, he tried to treat her like her old self.

By week three he started to see some spark in her eyes and she bit back in a way he found familiar. A really good sign. She'd been cleared to take walks outsides and she seemed to handle herself well. He figured she'd be more tired at night if she overdid herself during the days and since she was mostly awake when he stopped by he was content she kept within her limitations. She still didn't eat well, complained about not feeling any taste or too much taste some times. Usually he stopped by, ate with her and then went home a little later. Some nights he fell asleep on her couch though in front of the TV or next to her in her bed. He didn't initialized intimacy. He did miss it some but it wasn't such a big deal. He rather have all of her back in a few weeks than hurt her now and slow down her progress. They asked about her at work and he kept them updated. Both Nick and Liv had asked him if she was up for a visit but he covered for her since she'd expressed not wanting any visitors. She wouldn't tell him why though and he didn't push the subject. He figured he knew anyways though. She didn't want anyone to see her this frail. He knew cause that's how he would feel if he was in her situation.

There was something he wanted to push on though. Something he'd been thinking about since her mom mentioned it at the hospital and he couldn't seem to let it go. One night after dinner they had both settled in comfortably on her bed. He was checking some basketball results on her laptop as she was reading a magazine. Usually basketball had him glued to the screen but tonight his eyes kept wandering over to her. She was turned slightly away from him so her magazine laid in the light from the bedside table. Even with her back turned to him she could feel his eyes on her.

"What?" she asked once she had enough of his staring. He took a deep breath and rolled over so he almost spooned her. He reached down and kissed her tempting neck as he thought about how to initialize the subject. She looked over her shoulder at him, let her eyes scan his face. She was aware it had been a while but she'd figured he wanted to ask her something and not this. She still didn't feel all that frisky but she figured he could get her there so she willingly rolled over on her back. A hint of a smile played over her face as she snaked her arm up around his neck. He saw her smile and knew what he'd made her think was on his mind. He couldn't help himself and leaned down and just briefly let his lips touch hers. He left it at that though and to her surprise separated himself from her again. She watched him with suspicious eyes as he let his finger trace parts of her face.

"I'm willing," she whispered as she couldn't figure out where his mind was. She feared he was still afraid of hurting her. He got a slight smile over his face. He wouldn't mind taking her up on her offer but oddly enough he felt more like talking right now.
"You know your mom and I talked a bit at the hospital," he started and kept an eye on her to see her reaction. She managed to keep her face straight but he saw the brief squint in her eyes as she tried to figure out where he was going with this.
"I'm sorry for that, I know how crazy that experience can be," she said and smiled a little to try and hide the slight alarming feeling she'd gotten in her gut.

"Yeah she's not easy to figure out," he started, threading lightly not really wanting to go there but steer the conversation to what he was preoccupied with.
"She mentioned something though," he said and saw her eyes just briefly before she hid under her own eyebrows as she looked down on her fingers that were tracing the print on his tee.
"Yeah, what?" she said and tried not to sound at all interested. He found a strand of her hair to play with as he'd lost her eyes.
"She said something about your dad," he started and spotted her brief frown. He hesitated but had come this far and he wasn't going to chicken out now.
"How the two of you were close but something happen that changed that." She shifted her body slightly and pinched her face as one of her wounds stung. He waited for her to respond but nothing happen.

"So?" he asked when he ran out of patience to wait for her to say something.
"So what?" she said as she pulled her hand back from his chest and rolled away from him.
"Your dad?" he wasn't going to let her duck out of this.
"What about him?" she tried to sound uninterested as she went back to flipping through her magazine. Her behavior clearly signaled to him though that there was something going on here.

"You want to tell me about him?" he asked realizing he had to be forward to get anywhere. He started playing with her hair again.
"No," she said short and flipped another side in her magazine. This time a little harsher.
"Why not?"
"Cause I don't see the point," she sighed.
"Maybe just cause I'm curious," he tried and got a brief look from her.

"Why?" she asked as she turned away again. He had to think about that one.
"Cause I wonder who he is and why he didn't show up at the hospital."
"Cause he's pathetic. That answers goes for both your questions," she said with some bite to it.
"Why?" he asked which made her sigh loudly and she put down her head on the pillow.

"Why you wanna talk about my family all of a sudden?" she said with obvious irritation but without looking up at him.
"I'm a detective. Shoot me. I smell a story here okay?" he tugged at her hair a little and made her look at him. She held his stare until she got a cheeky smile on her face. She rolled back over on her back again, her face told him it hurt a little when doing so but soon the smile was back. He felt her hand run down over his chest and further down.

"Are you sure there's not something else you rather do?" she smiled as her hand found what it was looking for. He couldn't pretend her touch didn't feel good but then he shook his head. She raised her eyebrows mischievously and stroked him a little bit harder. He couldn't wish away the fact that he got a little bit hard under her touch but he grabbed her wrist and shook his head again. She looked disappointed and tried to pull back her hand but he held on to her wrist. She got a line between her eyebrows as she frown but her face eased as he brought her hand up to his chest and planted both their hands over his heart.

"When have you ever turned me down?" she asked and sounded a bit disappointed.
"When you need to heal first," he said softly.
"Didn't stop you at the hospital?" she said and let her lower lip pout.
"Exactly. It caused you a bleed," he said and squeezed her hand.
"But I'm much better now," she tried and hoped he would bite.

"Tell me about your dad," he asked after about a minute of their eyes playing catch. She immediately pulled her hand back and then pulled herself up against the headboard a little to get away from him. He gave her the space but wasn't ready to drop the subject just yet.
"Common Amanda," he said as he was getting bored with her evasions.

"Why do you wanna know? I've already told you he's pathetic. There must be funnier things to discuss," she sighed. He reached out and caught her hand that was fiddling with the bed cover.
"Humor me," he asked and he watched her take a deep breath. He had to wait and he started to think he wouldn't get anything out of her when she finally opened her mouth.

"He's pathetic cause he's a gambler okay?" she caught his eyes briefly but then looked away just as quickly. This news surprised him. Something he'd heard a lecturer say many years ago sprung to mind. Parental influence defines us. This had for some reason stuck with him over the years and he'd found it to be very truthful. And here he was in the same bed with a woman he cared deeply for who'd surely been influenced more than she liked to admit by at least one of her parents. She stirred a bit on the bed and pulled him back to present.

"Recovered?" he asked once he found himself.
"Today I guess," she sighed and picked up her magazine with her free hand. Not to read, just to occupy her hand with something.
"When did you learn?" he asked which made her sigh again as she rolled her eyes.
"Why do we have to do this? Why on earth would you wanna know about my dad?" she sounded frustrated.

"Cause it had a big impact on you," he tried to explain but he really didn't know why he felt a need to know more. Now that he learnt her dad was a gambler of course he got curious seeing how he knew addiction often ran in the family but he'd always thought it was mostly substance abuse. He didn't know much about gambling addiction.
"How do you know it had a big impact on me?" she questioned.
"Cause your mom told me."
"Well you can't trust anything that comes out of her mouth, she's about as trustworthy as my sister."

"Well then if it didn't have a big impact on you then you don't mind telling me about him," he retorted. She sighed again and started tearing a page in the magazine.
"Okay so the question was…" she asked without looking at him.
"When did you learn he was a gambler?" Fin asked again. She seemed to think about it.

"I don't know. I mean I guess I always knew but collecting betting slips on the floor at the race track was just something fun we did with dad when he came and picked us up as the weekend came. He'd get me to search for a certain number. And I'd always knew he'd leave at one point or another sometime during the baseball game, ask someone trustworthy looking close by or a vendor to keep an eye on us and then be gone for fifteen, twenty minutes. But I guess as a kid you see what you wanna see right?" she took a breath.
"Your mom said that you found out one day though. What happen?" He saw her close her fist hard as an involuntary reaction. Again he had to wait a while for an answer but then it finally came.

"We got stopped on the way home from school one day. Kim and I. The man in the passenger seat told me my mom had sent him to pick us up. He'd take us to her. There had been guys, men that she dated that picked us up I guess but I'd never seen these men before. He knew mom's and dad's name though. I still didn't want to go with them but Kim jumped in and well… she wouldn't get back out so I jumped in. Nothing happen really. We just rode around," she went quiet. Fin paid much attention to every word she said. He paid attention to her face too, to her reactions as she spoke. The bite on the inside of her cheek, her flickering eyes, the constant swallowing. All nervous tics. She'd seemed to have drifted off in her mind. He squeezed her hand to pull her back. She looked up and gave him a smile that was a little too wide and that told him she was feeling uncomfortable telling him this. He wasn't sure how to make her feel comfortable. He reached up and put his hand on her cheek and she leaned into it for a brief second. He withdrew it as she started talking again.

"Kim started crying after, I dunno how long really. But she cried when she got bored or tired, I don't think she ever got afraid cause I kept talking to her. Telling her we would soon be home. But the man in the passenger seat got annoyed with her Ii guess. He wrote a note and put it in her hand. And then they drove by our house and let her out. The guy in the passenger seat held on to me though. I saw her standing there crying in the street outside our house as we drove off." Fin heard her voice go quieter and quieter. He thought he heard a trembled on her voice.

"She had gone in almost immediately though so I didn't have to worry," she said as she'd collected her voice. Fin found it impressive that the little girl Amanda still worried more about her sister then herself even when she was clearly the one in trouble.
"Did you see what the note said?" he asked and she nodded.
"What did it say?" he asked even though he had a hunch.
"This is what happens when you don't pay your debt," she said with a mechanic sounding voice.

"How old were you?"
"Old enough to understand it wasn't a game like the man in the passenger seat said it was."
"How old?" he asked again.
"Eight."

"When did he bring you home?"
"That same night. No biggie. He bought me an ice-cream. I didn't eat it though. I wet myself too. Like a baby," she said with self-hatred in her voice. Fin felt a need to hold her but of course didn't.
"Did they leave you on the street too?" he asked but saw her shake her head.

"They took me inside, I guess they knew they wouldn't have called the police. My mom probably didn't want to alarm the neighbors. I mean you can't let anyone know there's a problem right?" she gave Fin a smile and then looked down again; "The man in the passenger seat held on to me once we got inside. He spoke to my dad but I can't recall anything that was said oddly enough. I just remember looking at my mom the whole time. She looked scared and that scared me too. She usually never showed her feelings openly like that. She popped a pill whenever she had emotions and she would just flat out. But not that night. Then he finally let my mom take me out of the room. That made me feel a bit relieved," she went quiet for a while.

"I guess my dad paid them cause I never saw them again and then we lost the house a couple of months later. I guess he couldn't pay the mortgage after he'd paid them. Mom moved us to a small apartment and I stopped wanting to visit with my dad. And that's that. Well except that I had to be pathetic enough to follow in his footsteps." He saw her roll her eyes at herself.

"You're anything but pathetic," he said and squeezed her hand. Her body language told him she still felt that way though. After a while he couldn't take it any longer, her sadness was oozing out of her. He moved up a bit and awkwardly let her know he wanted her to roll into his arms. It did feel awkward at first, she clearly felt uncomfortable as she wasn't use to being close to him in this vulnerable state. But once she found a spot that worked for her with her wounds and all she fell into his arms in a way that felt very good and comfortable for both of them. No one said anything. They just lay there. Her head resting on his chest, her hands on his chest. He with his arms as tightly around her as he dared with her injuries in mind. It didn't take long until she fell asleep and he laid there picturing that eight year old girl in the back of that unfamiliar car.

Anything could have happen to her. Even worse though was picturing her with that look on her face that her mother had tried to describe at the hospital. He could see it now, how she'd looked when she came home that day. Having that rock in her life completely shattered in an instance. It would have been hard for a grown-up to handle, for an eight year old it must have been devastating. Growing up he'd always wished that he had a dad around but as he grew older he learnt that having two parents around could just mean double the trouble. In Amanda's case it had clearly been the case. He felt an overwhelming need to protect her. He'd felt that need ever since she became his partner but now it felt like he needed to protect her more than so. He fell asleep thinking that he from now on would get closer to her, on more than one level.

But of course thinking and doing was two different things. As usual the intention was good but they always seemed to be at different paths whenever one of them felt like taking their relationship to another level. Now that Fin had spent all that time by her hospital bed, thinking 'if only' and pondered on how big of a part she had in his life he was ready to take the next step. To let her know how much she meant to him.

Amanda had been busy recuperating and just to be able to get out of the hospital. Sure she'd remember that last thought before she fell unconscious, she'd told herself she loved him but that wasn't anything new to her. Now that she'd been so close to death it scared her since it meant she had someone to lose if something were to happen again. Having to constantly worry about her sister was straining enough, expecting to get a call to learn she'd hurt herself, OD'ed or been injured by another abusive boyfriend. She'd learnt to live with that in the back of her head constantly.

She wasn't sure she could handle worrying about Fin too. But there was no denying that she loved him. But love made her vulnerable and she didn't like that. The way he'd made her, forced her, to open up about her dad. She didn't like how vulnerable that made her. She was vulnerable enough as it was right now. With her injuries or not. No she decided she needed to act stronger around him. He wouldn't see her weak again she decided. She needed to distant herself from him a bit she figured.

And so with every subtle attempt he did the following days to show her how he really felt about her he felt as though she pushed him away. It just made her feel like a burden seeing how worried he seemed to be over her. So she acted stronger than she really felt. She made him stop coming over to drive her to physiotherapy, to the check-ups. He'd of course stop by after shift though. They had dinner, he let her in on whatever case they were working and he stayed some nights. Only sleeping next to her though. He could tell she was hurting and he knew she was taking less medicine than the doctor had ordered her to so he didn't want to put more strain on her body than just walking upright already did. He tried to tell himself she was only healing, that she wasn't pushing him away. She was getting more mobile by every day though, pushing herself to longer walks every single day. He tried to keep an eye on her so she didn't overdo it but she bit back easily if he got too much of a worrywart, that he'd learnt the hard way and knew now to stay mostly clear.

Next good sign Fin saw was when she started to get restless in her apartment. By the end of week three she called captain Cragen to ask if she could come back to work. She felt strong enough for at least desk duty. Captain was cautious though, he knew she was ambitious but needed to be sure she was ready. They set up a lunch date for the following week and Cragen wanted her to visit the department psychologist to make sure her mental state was progressing along with her physical. She knew she had to sit through a few sessions, it was protocol, so she didn't fuss but she did make a face on the other side of the line. He also asked her to tell her doctor to send over some papers to him about how her physical progress was going.

So during week four she met with the psychologist and had lunch with captain. The last meeting went smoother than she anticipated, while the first one not so much. Amanda loved psychology, she'd read a lot on the subject to get a better understanding of her sister. But she hated having it turned on her. Being on the opposite side of the table so to speak. Fin had helped her prepare, he'd been in often it seemed and he knew some of what to say and more importantly what not to say. He wanted her cleared for duty just as bad as she did. She'd gotten a very ambitious psychologist assigned to her though, doctor Elizabeth Olivet. She wanted to see Amanda at least two more times before she would clear her.

The lunch with Cragen went well though and it didn't feel awkward at all. He told her three meetings were normal after such a big incident as this had been. Cragen was keen to get her back though but he insisted it would only be for desk duty for the first couple of weeks. He didn't want her to literary or figuratively run into a wall.

She went home feeling satisfied. Before both meetings she'd felt very nervous and somewhat emotional. With the psychologist she had to fight hard to keep the tears away but her captain had made her feel at ease early on. As she got home though she felt another wave of those bloody emotions and she decided to catch up on some TV shows just to distract herself.

Fin had called after lunch to check how the meeting with Cragen went and they'd decided he'd pick up some Chinese food for them that evening. He found her on the couch deep into whatever she was watching. She looked almost mesmerized and he asked what she was watching. When she didn't answer he put the food down on the table and then went over with some groceries to the counter. He unpacked the grocery bag and then went over to the fridge to get them something to drink with their food.

"What the," he mumbled as he couldn't find the milk. He knew she'd want milk with her food cause that's what she'd asked for lately. He'd bought two milk cartons just yesterday. He checked the trash bin and found both cartons there. He sighed and walked into the living room.

"Why didn't you tell me you finished the butt load of milk I bought yesterday?" he grumbled but she hushed him. He made a face and then looked over at the television.
"Is it that throne show?" he asked and she immediately hushed him again.

"You made me miss it," she complained and hit reverse. He gave her an eye and then looked back on the screen as the two characters ended up in the same place he'd just seen them in. The two spoke in unison; "Father, smith, warrior, mother, maiden, crone, stranger. I'm hers and she is mine from this day until the end of my days." Fin looked confused and turned to Amanda again. This time she had tears in her eyes.

"That made you weep?" he asked confused. She quickly wiped her eyes with her hands and gave him a fierce stare.
"I'm not weeping and that was a wedding FYI. Can you just go fix dinner or milk a cow or whatever and let me watch this bloody finale in peace," she sounded angry. He shook his head at her.

"You're weird," he sighed as he turned back to the kitchen, "Weirder than usual," he added. She clenched her jaw and feeling annoyed turned back to the television. Yes she felt weird. A scene in Game of thrones had never made her cry before. She felt stupid for getting so emotional. She needed to get back to work as soon as possible so she could get back to her old self again.

XXX

I was a little hesitant with this chapter. Been struggling with it and thinking back and forth whether or not I should publish it or just scratch it all together. It was the Amanda backstory bit that had me troubled. I hope it didn't disturb with the flow or anything. I had it set up in a previous chapter so I felt I had to deal with it in a way or another. Still not sure this was the way to but here it is. Moving on...