Hi! Sorry for the late update. I've been writing a lot but ahead and now I have like so much material it's somewhat overwhelming and I don't want this fanfic to be like 100 chapters long. So this chapter, & probably the once a head, will be very long. I know from reviews on my previous fanfic though that you don't necessarily dislike long chapters so I'm hoping I have some of those readers still with me. I did cut some in this chapter, mostly some interaction with Olivia and Nick but just pretend they are aware that Amanda have been looking a bit tired but they also have been linking it to the shooting like Fin have. Viewers imagination appreciated sorta *lol*
And I have to mention just how happy I am that we're getting a season 15. Awesome. That's all, happy reading!
XXX
"Well Amanda it looks like you're pregnant." Amanda's face dropped as the words of her doctor hit her.
"What?" Amanda asked stunned.
"You're pregnant," Ally repeated since she could tell Amanda was shocked, "and by the looks of it, I'm not an expert, but you're several weeks in." Amanda's head was spinning and she put her hand to her mouth.
"You okay there?" Ally asked. Amanda felt like crying but nodded. Ally turned the monitor more towards Amanda and pointed to it.
"You see that," she said and made sure she had Amanda's eyes following her finger, "that's the baby." To Amanda it was just a bean shaped white mass to start with but as she kept looking at it she thought she could see at least the shape of its head. This was crazy and she started to feel nauseous again.
"You had no idea I take it?" Amanda shook her head at Ally's question.
"Do you know when it could have happen?" Amanda nodded and wiped her eye as she felt a tear threatening to escape.
"Don't worry okay. I'm going to get you in with a great colleague of mine. Her name is Sandra Levitt. I'm going to make sure you get to see her as soon as possible and you can talk about your options," Ally put her hand on Amanda's arm.
"On the bright side this could explain why you and food haven't been such a good match lately. It might not have had anything to do with your bowels at all," Ally tried to put a positive spin on it. She went on to wipe away the gel of Amanda's stomach and told her she could sit back up.
"You have any questions for me Amanda?" Ally asked but Amanda couldn't really think straight right now.
"No?" Ally could feel she wasn't reaching Amanda right now.
"Just stop with the pills for now. Sandra's nurse will text you with your appointment as soon as I've talked to her. She's a floor up. I'll see to it that she'll squeeze you in like tomorrow. Amanda try not to worry okay?" Amanda finally looked at Ally but she still looked very absentminded.
"Sandra's going to take good care of you and I'll see you in, I think it was two weeks until our appointment," Ally didn't feel good about rushing but she knew she had an appointment with another patient soon and Amanda had been a walk-in on a very busy day. Amanda stood up and walked over to the door.
"Call me if you feel like it Amanda," Ally said and Amanda nodded as she walked outside.
Fin stood up as he spotted Amanda walking out of the doctor's office.
"What did she say?" he asked eagerly as Amanda walked up to him. She kept walking past him though and he made a face before he rushed after her.
"What's wrong Amanda?" he asked. She wasn't sure what say. She couldn't tell him. She tried to smile at him.
"She couldn't find anything. I'm feeling a bit better now. I'll see a specialist tomorrow though if it's not better by then," Amanda tried to sound sincere. She thought she sounded so false but Fin seemed to buy it. He put a caring hand on her lower back as they stepped back into the elevator to ride down. She peeked at him as they rode down. She felt sick to her stomach but wasn't sure if it was because the secret she carried inside literary or because the lie she'd just fed him. Him, the one she'd created a life with. Fin brought her out of her own thoughts.
"Are you sure you feel better? You look very pale," he said as he looked at her with worry in his eyes. She tried to smile again.
"I'm really feeling better. Thanks for bringing me here." He gave her a suspicious look but then smiled.
"Of course. I'll take you to that specialist tomorrow too if you need it," he offered with sincerity. She mumbled a thanks but knew that she in no way would let him take her to the obstetrician. She needed to think this over. Alone. So she asked Fin if he could take her home, told him she felt okay but tired. She promised to call him later but she wouldn't. She would be too busy freaking out.
Her evening would be spent walking around her apartment, cursing herself for being such a dimwit for getting herself into this situation. She couldn't get her head around it even though the doctor had told her the fact and she'd seen the freeze frame of her fetus. She'd seen the tiny creature who was growing inside of her right this minute. She ended up by the mirror in her bedroom from time to time. Pulling up her top to watch her stomach. From the front and then from the side. She couldn't believe something was in there. Every time by the mirror ended with her harshly pulling down her top and walking away from the mirror shaking her head in disbelief. She tried occupying herself with the TV or browsing the internet for anything that would distract her but nothing worked. She couldn't eat, she couldn't sleep, nothing could keep her mind of the fact she was actually pregnant. She had a baby inside of her. Fin's baby. That was the only positive thing. She couldn't help but feel good when she thought of the fact it was Fin's baby. Everything else was a mess but that made her feel good. Having his baby would be perfect in a different scenario, in a different reality. In a reality were Fin wanted to be with her. Really wanted to be with her like she wanted to be with him.
She couldn't have this baby, it wasn't right to him. But how could she… kill something that was a part of him? She put her hand to her stomach where she stood looking out her window as these thoughts came to her. She'd never been in this situation. Never been pregnant. Never had to go through an abortion herself. But she'd gone through it twice with her sister. Once when Kim was just fifteen. Knocked up by a boy her own age. Their mom had been frantic once she found out. Resolute about an abortion and Kim didn't seem to care and once it was over with it was like it never had happen. Amanda had always been pro-choice but she'd felt as though she'd struggled most with that particular chapter in the Rollins family's life.
And then when Kim ended up pregnant again in her early twenties Amanda had been the only one by her side. They'd kept their mom out of it this time. Kim had been struggling hard with her drug addiction at the time and been at a treatment facility. Apparently she'd forgotten to take her pills and got knocked up by a fellow patient at the facility. Amanda had been fuming at the caretakers and the fact they'd let the male and female patients associate in their vulnerable state. The abortion had been taken care of by the hospital affiliated with the treatment center and again Kim had seemed mostly relieved when it was over with. Amanda had offered Kim to help her if she wanted to keep the baby but it had never been an option for Kim. Again Amanda had seemed to struggle with the loss of a potential niece or nephew more than Kim. Although with Kim it was hard to tell at times how she felt or dealt with things.
Abortion was an alternative and an option for women, that's what Amanda believed to be true but she wasn't sure it was an option for her. She couldn't imagine herself doing that and then be able to leave it behind. To live life without not constantly wonder about how that potential baby would have looked and what kind of person he or she would have turned out to be. Amanda knew she would constantly wonder. She was back at the mirror again. Watching her stomach from sideways. Stroking it gently. A life inside of her. Unbelievable.
But she couldn't have a baby. Not right now. She'd almost just died for Christ sake. She should focus on getting back to work a 100 %. Her body was still healing. She pulled down her top and stomped out into the living room again. What would Fin say if he knew? That scared her the most. He didn't want a relationship with her, they'd established that. He wouldn't want a baby with her. And what would the squad think? Captain? She'd just been on sick leave and now maternity leave? Would so not work out good. She grabbed a hold of her hair as she found a path she walked back and forth for several minutes. This couldn't be happening. Please let this not be happening right now she begged out loud. She walked over to the kitchen counter where her laptop was charging. She opened up the last window which was a Google search result for 'pregnant 10 weeks'. Earlier she'd looked through some sites and she'd found symptoms that rang familiar. Symptoms she'd figured came from the shooting but she now realized probably originated from being pregnant. The morning sickness was more of an all-day sickness though. She updated the window and typed in 'abortion' before she hit search again. She looked at some of the sites and found she didn't have much time to decide on this. Every site recommended abortion not later than the twelfth week. She closed the laptop with some force and began pacing again.
This routine – pacing, standing in front of the mirror and searching Google for pregnancy and baby related matters – went on until about 2 am when she finally crashed on top of her bed cover. She wouldn't get a decent night's sleep though as her real life problems invaded her dreams. All though she still didn't have any memory of the day she got shot this wouldn't be the first time she'd been back on that lot where it happen. Fin had brought her once in real life and she'd been back there in her dreams several times before this night. Tonight though her dreams were a little bit different. She was still being chased over the lot of what she thought was a bullet. This time though as she turned around to look over her shoulder she saw screaming babies. Several of them. Baby heads floating in the air behind her and they were just as terrifying as bullets. Hector, the little boy who she tried to reach as she was shot, was back too. He transformed to a little baby boy though. And as she reached him she turned to run the other way only to be hit by a bullet in her gut. She woke up again and again drenched in sweat.
By 6 am she gave up and went to get a shower before she got ready for work. Oddly enough she felt very hungry this morning and stopped at a dinner to by something. She would regret this as she reached the station and had to rush to the ladies room to puke. That's what she got for thinking she wasn't suffering from morning sickness. Thankfully no one saw her and she was back at her desk before Amaro came in early as usual.
Amanda was a scatterbrain the entire day. Fin caught it of course and asked if she was feeling ill again. She calmed him down with a smile though and told him she'd just had too much sleep last night. He took her for lunch and seemed happy she ate more than usual. She managed to keep it all down as well. They caught a new case later that afternoon and Amanda almost missed her appointment with doctor Levitt. At the last minute she admitted to Fin she had an appointment at the hospital, she gave him some hospital lingo she'd picked up during her stay though and had him fooled. He used the lights to drive her there in time and dropped her off to go by himself back to the station for the autopsy rapport of their latest victim. She promised to call him later but again she would fail.
She got up to doctor Levitt's floor at five sharp. A nurse at the desk told her the doctor was ready for her and sent Amanda further down the hall. She found an open door with Levitt's name on a sign on the wall beside it. She knocked on the doorframe carefully and peeked inside.
"Amanda?" she heard from a brunette in a white coat that rose from behind a desk. Amanda nodded.
"Well come inside then," she smiled and waved her in. Amanda stepped inside.
"Close the door will you so we can get some privacy," the doctor told her and Amanda spun around to do what the doctor ordered. When she turned around again the doctor had come around her table. Amanda took her extended hand once she'd made her way over to her.
"Nice to meet you Amanda. I'm doctor Sandra Levitt, I'm an obstetrician. Can I call you Amanda or do you prefer your last name?, the doctor asked as she held on to her hand and pulled her towards a chair.
"Amanda's fine," she said as the doctor gestured to the chair to make her sit down. Amanda had a look at the doctor. She looked somewhat similar to doctor Ally. Both brunette, trimmed straight right above the shoulders. Ally had a bit of a darker complexion and eye but they seemed to be about the same age, closer to forty. Both with a friendly smile and kind eyes. Amanda hoped she would like Sandra as much as Ally but right now all she could feel was anxiety because of the matter that had made her come here in the first place.
"Great. I prefer Sandra so please call me that," the doctor smiled as she sat down on the empty chair next to her.
"I took the privilege to ask Ally for your file so I could read up on your history beforehand," Sandra said as she reached over her desk to get Amanda's journal. "Ally made it seem you might be rather far along so I felt it best to be prepared," Sandra shot her a smile before she turned her head down into the journal. She turned a few pages in the rather thick journal. She made an ill-sounding noise.
"You were one lucky lady. Those bullets could easily have killed you. I guess the pain that came with being shot didn't make you feel that lucky though," Sandra looked up as she came to the end of that sentence. Amanda smiled awkwardly and shook her head slightly.
"So you didn't manage to dodge those bullets and you didn't dodge this one either. Pregnant? How are you feeling about that Amanda?" Sandra looked at her with concern in her eyes. Amanda wasn't sure how to answer that.
"I guess it hasn't sunk in yet," she said quietly after a slight pause. Sandra nodded as she got it.
"Do you know when you had your last period?" Sandra asked and Amanda shook her head.
"Since the shooting I've had… well like spotting but Ally said it wasn't unusual after my injuries. So I've sorta lost track I guess," Amanda admitted. Sandra didn't look like she judged her for that.
"Do you know when you might have gotten pregnant?" Sandra asked and this time Amanda had to nod. "When?" Amanda swallowed and had trouble looking at the doctor. She felt embarrassed. She bit her lip as she realized she had to fess up since the doctor was waiting for her to answer.
"I was still in the hospital," Amanda whispered.
"Nothing like sex to make you feel alive again right?" the doctor said which made Amanda look up at her. It was a somewhat awkward thing to say for a doctor Amanda thought but it made her smile and relax a bit.
They went next door so the doctor could do a full exam. She asked Amanda some questions as she changed into a gown behind a curtain. She checked Amanda's height and weight before she asked her to step up on the table and into the stirrups. Amanda had never been fond of OB/GYN visits but did her best to stay relaxed as Sandra performed the pelvic exam. Once it was over with Sandra got a sheet for Amanda so she could cover her privates while keeping her gown up for another sonogram. Sandra let Amanda know everything looked fine so far and that she would now measure the fetus, check for any irregularities and just make sure everything was going according to plans in there. Once everything seemed to be done Sandra again told her everything looked fine. Sandra fixed a freeze frame of the fetus and asked if she wanted a print out but Amanda shook her head.
"How are you dealing with this Amanda?" Sandra asked as she had noticed Amanda's ambivalence during the entire exam. Sandra wiped Amanda's stomach clean as she waited for an answer. Sandra kept throwing glances up at Amanda who still had her eyes fixed on the screen. Amanda didn't know how to answer the doctor. Sandra pulled down Amanda's gown and just stayed still until Amanda finally was able to draw her attention away from the screen. Sandra was still unfamiliar with Amanda as a person and as a new patient and the good thing with having her come in as her last appointment of the day was she had time to try and get to know her.
"How's the situation with the father of the baby?" Sandra tried a different approach since Amanda was still quiet. Amanda frowned a bit letting the doctor know the situation was a bit tricky even before she spoke.
"We're not… well, not together really. I… care a lot for him but he doesn't want a relationship with me," Amanda watched her words before she spoke.
"Not that I encourage it but could a baby change his view on that?" Amanda thought about it but then shook her head with a grin.
"I can't see that happening," Amanda said and was planning to continue but as she heard her own voice sway she closed up fearing the next thing would be crying and she would not allow herself to go there at the doctor's office.
"Would you be able to do it on your own?" Sandra asked but Amanda didn't have an answer for her and just shrugged her shoulders.
"I'm a detective. Hours are crazy at times. And I mean I got shot. I could die, like every day basically," Amanda tried to let the doctor know what was spinning around her head.
"And I was thinking with the strong medicine I was on after I was shot, is it possible that it could have affected the…," she couldn't say baby and just gestured towards the screen.
"Well I have checked up on the medicine you were on and it can affect a fetus but you were on a low dosage, and from what I understand even lower than Ally subscribed you?" Sandra gave her a smile and Amanda nodded.
"If you chose to go ahead with the pregnancy we will run tests on the fetus to make sure but I do think that if it survived this long, with the medicine and the state you were in, it is one strong and healthy fetus, not unlike the mom. But I promise we will make sure the baby is healthy if you decide to keep it. And being a detective doesn't prevent you from being a mom. There's laws about that you know?" Sandra smiled and continued; "And many policewomen out there are mothers and sure it's a dangerous job but that should not stop you if you want this baby," Sandra sounded convincing enough but Amanda was still torn. Sandra went quiet for a bit as she could tell Amanda was deep in thought.
"However if you decide abortion is the way you want to go we really need to set up an appointment rather soon. By the sonogram I would say you're ten weeks and I highly recommend the procedure to be done before the twelfth week. It can be done after but for your own sake I prefer we don't wait too long. And I always recommend my patient to talk to the father. It will come down to your choice but in my experience it will be better for you if you at least informed the dad beforehand," Sandra went silent. She knew she had a tendency to ramble but there was much she wanted Amanda to know and she hoped some of it would ease the stress she so obviously was feeling.
"I'm going to draw some blood and I apologize in advance. My nurse usually does this for me so I'm a little out of practice," Sandra smiled. She got on another pair of gloves and set up everything to get the blood sample. She apologized again as she had to dig around to find a vein but with Amanda's high threshold it wasn't such a big deal. When the doctor was done she told Amanda she could get dressed and then come back to the office where Sandra would be waiting for her. Amanda was happy to get off the table.
Amanda found Sandra behind her desk putting down some notes on her pad once she stepped back into the doctor's office.
"Please have a seat Amanda," she smiled as she got aware of her presence. Amanda did as told.
"So where's your head at?" the doctor asked as she toned down her smile. Amanda hated being in that chair but she couldn't hate the doctor. She seemed genuinely concerned about Amanda's feelings which Amanda appreciated but she wasn't sure how she was feeling right now. She knew she felt like a big failure. What would Fin say if he knew? What would Cragen and the rest of the squad think of her? How could she have put herself in this situation? She was such a looser. She looked up at the doctor and knew she couldn't tell her this. So instead she just shrugged her shoulders. Not much more was said. Sandra let Amanda know she could call her at any time and they set up an appointment the following week. She encouraged her to use the weekend to let the father know what was going on.
Amanda left the hospital with the intention to tell Fin that weekend but things didn't really end up that way. Okay she made sure things didn't end up that way. She managed to piss him off the next day at work which wasn't that easy but she knew how to do it by now, especially if she really wanted to. She did it cause she knew he wouldn't be the one who'd call first. She bought some time. A whole weekend. But it was time she didn't have. This couldn't wait. Somehow she managed to get through the weekend. She filled it with longs walks, a double feature at the movies, spontaneous grocery shop visits. She was on the internet a lot. Googling various things that had with babies and pregnancies to do. She learnt that the little thing growing inside of her this week could bend its elbows and was growing teeth underneath gums. Teeth? Insane. It was just a bean inside of her.
She slept a lot that weekend too. She felt so very tired, in body as well as mind. So when she stepped into the station that following Monday she felt rested but still very nervous to see Fin. She had to wait a while before he came in. Thankfully Liv and Amaro weren't at their desks so she didn't have to worry about them listening in on what she knew she had say. No one said good morning but Amanda kept looking at him as he sat down. He hung his jacket, sat down, got his computer on and then finally looked back at her. His face was blank.
"I'm sorry," she said with emphasize. He turned his head briefly outwards since there seemed to be some disturbance outside the gate. The officer seemed to have it under control though and Fin turned back to met Amanda's eyes that had never left his face.
"We're cool," he said and gave her a hint of a smile. He looked tired to her.
"You wanna tell me what's going on?" he asked. She should have figured he knew she'd pushed that fight.
"Not now," she said and broke their gaze but just for a second. She looked back up and he gave her a small nod before he turned his attention to his screen. A few seconds passed by but then she said his name quietly and he looked back up.
"I am really sorry," she wanted to make sure he knew that cause he so often let her get away with small things since he so easily seemed to brush off minor happenings. The crease between his eyes became visible for a few seconds as he seemed to analyze her face but then it eased up and he nodded again.
After apologizing she felt a little bit better but then she would feel worse again as the doctor's appointment arrived and she had to admit she hadn't told the father of her baby and she still couldn't give the doctor an answer to what she wanted to do about the pregnancy. Sandra tried to help as best she could but Amanda was the one that had to come to the final decision they both knew that. They set up another appointment for the following Monday and, without Amanda knowing, Sandra set up an appointment for an abortion that following Thursday.
They were in the middle of a case at SVU but Amanda struggled to be on top of her game. She was thinking about bendable elbows, gums, teeth and fingernails ever so often. She knew it wasn't fair to the case or the others and it just added to the guilt she was carrying around. First shot and then knocked up. What a great access to the squad. Cragen's Atlanta transfer was really turning out to be the black sheep of the squad.
It didn't go unnoticed by Fin that something was troubling Amanda but he felt unable to confront her. She'd been distant ever since she left the hospital. Sure she'd been understandable tired but there was something else going on too. During her recovery he had some very fond and intimate memories. The hand on the can incident at the hospital, her opening up about her dad and a couple of other very deep connections. But in-between all of them he'd felt her push him away, mostly figuratively but sometimes also literary. He'd told himself at the time that it was just in his head, that she'd been shot and that he should give her some space and not cling to her like a lovesick puppy. But in hindsight he couldn't help but think it had all been signs. He feared the shooting made her have some sort of awakening and that she'd come to the conclusion their partners with benefits deal wasn't what she wanted.
He feared she was moving on and he felt a bit angry at himself that he hadn't made it more obvious to her how he really felt about her. He still wasn't sure he was ready for a proper relationship though. He wasn't good with handholding, flowers and all of that. He'd never been good at that. But he did feel like he wanted to tell her he loved her, that it was significant that he did. And now he feared he'd lost his chance. She was putting an end to them or she'd found out something at the doctor's office that she hadn't told him. That she was dying or something. Of the two he guessed he preferred the end of their whatever it was they had. But in either case someone would die because he felt as though he would die if she ended it with him.
Their case turned out tricky and it looked as though they would have to work over the weekend too. This made Amanda feel a bit panicky seeing how she had her doctor's appointment Monday morning and she knew she had to talk to Fin before that cause she was coming nowhere with the decision on her own. She kept pushing it to the next day the entire week but kept Friday as the deadline. When Friday came though she was asked to go with Olivia to bring in a witness and she missed Fin in the morning. As it was finally time to call it a quit for the night she was so tired she just didn't have the energy. After a good night's sleep though she stepped into the squad room with built up confidence and as soon as Fin came in she pulled him aside and asked if they could have dinner and a talk after shift. Fin had looked anything but keen but still said okay. Thankfully the case kept her busy so she didn't have much time to think about it.
They got separated as the day came to an end but Fin called and asked if she wanted his or her place for their plans. She asked for her place since she figured then she couldn't run out on him or anything. They decided on take out and he'd pick something up since it looked like he would be the last one to arrive at her place. Amanda felt like a shower once she got home and figured she would have time for a quickie. As she was done she got caught in front of the mirror as so often lately. She didn't really have a bump or anything but her abdomen felt bloated. She hated her taped scar across her stomach. Not more than the one that ran down between her breasts though. She hated even more that she was bothered with them. When had she ever been vain? Not a character trait she wanted but she couldn't lie to herself, she hated them. But she wasn't sure if it was the actual scars that bothered her or the fact she'd been shot?
As she stood there deep in thought, stroking her belly she heard Fin come through the front door. She wrapped the towel quickly around herself and tried to find something to wear. She found a sweatshirt on top of her laundry hamper and grabbed it as she knew it could be used one more time. She toweled her hair a bit and then stepped out just as Fin stepped into the bedroom. He smiled when he saw her, he couldn't help himself whenever he saw her half naked. Heck, she didn't even have to be half naked. Being alone with her made him smile or at least feel like smiling. Tonight though that thought made him sad and his smile faded away.
"I got Thai. Chicken. One lemongrass and one sweat n sour. You ready to eat?" he asked as they'd both stopped dead in their tracks on opposite sides of the bedroom.
"Sure. Just give me one minute," she said and moved towards her drawers to get some pants to wear. Fin retreated back to the kitchen where he sat the table as he waited for her to come out. He didn't have to wait more than the promised minute. She'd pulled on a pair of her black lounge pants. She had her navy NYPD sweatshirt on top. It was a little too big for her but even though he preferred to see her form the navy color really brought out the best in her light complexion. His eyes dropped to her bare feet as she made her way over to the table. She sat down with one foot up on the seat and she made a delightful sound as she watched the containers of food.
"I got you iced tea but maybe you prefer milk?" he said as he pushed the cup towards her.
"Thanks. I'll have that but milk too?" she looked up with a sheepish grin on her face. He couldn't help but smile and he turned to get the milk out. She had her nose in one of the containers as he turned back.
"They both smell divine. Can I have a little of both?" she asked as he sat down.
"Of course," he said and handed her a fork. She said thanks and started to scoop out some food on her plate. Fin opened up his can of soda and then got some rice on his plate.
"You have noodles too if you prefer," Fin said and pointed to a still sealed container.
"Rice is fine," she said as she was getting the other chicken dish on her plate. He watched her as she put the rice in-between the two dishes. As she put the container down their eyes met and they both smiled before they looked away again. No one said anything though. Had it been any other day though he might have teased her about how she put her food on her plate. She had this thing where she liked to keep her dishes separate. It wasn't like a serious OCD problem but he liked to give her some grief about it. He found it charming. Not that he would admit it to her. It was funnier to bug her about it.
After a few bites the silence got a bit awkward but it changed once she asked him about the case and the latest witness that Fin and Amaro had interviewed that afternoon. Fin informed her while he kept eating and she listen intensely. This case was really a hard one and every new witness seemed to lead them down on a different path and no closer to their suspect. She kept asking him questions about this new witness and they both got a bit sucked into the case again and discussed different possible scenarios. It didn't go unnoticed to him though that she put down her fork before she'd eaten about half of her plate. And the portion had been small to begin with. She was zipping on her iced tea through a straw as her eyes got to that size they got once she was caught up in something. Her hair was drying but had left small dark spots on her sweatshirt. Fin's thoughts had started to drift off the case and he noticed small things like that as he watched her ramble on. She put down the cup and started to roll up her pant leg. Another habit of hers.
Whenever she had lounge pants on she ended up rolling the legs up. Like she couldn't handle them flowing around her feet. Sleeves were a whole other different story. She didn't seem to mind having them fall down over her hands. When nervous she even pulled them down to hide her hands and he'd learnt it probably was because she started fiddling with her fingers when nervous. So she tried to prevent it or maybe hide it by pulling down her sleeves. Either way he found all her little quirks charming. She was on her second leg now and that's when she first noticed she'd lost his attention. He was still putting food in his mouth but now straight from a container and his eyes were fixed on her bare foot up on the seat. She waved a little down by her foot and got him to look back up. She rolled her eyes at him as she sighed.
"You got a fetish with my feet," she declared.
"I got a fetish for you," he corrected her and reached out and put his hand on her foot. She chuckled as she grabbed her glass of milk and he pulled back his hand. She got a slight milk moustache that she wiped away quickly with the back of her hand. She could feel her cheeks burn a bit. It was rare he expressed in words how he felt about her and it always got to her once he did.
She came to think of a time not long before she got shot when they had this really silly discussion and he'd ended a sentence with "no, it's cause I love you more than cereal." They had both tried to laugh it away but both had been aware of what he'd just said and it had been awkward for a minute or two until she gave him a way out by throwing some food at him. But she carried those rare moments in her heart. And she carried evenings like this in her heart. Evenings when he bought her good food, sat with her, had expressive discussions about whatever was on either of their minds. She loved how he ate straight out of the container like he was doing right now. She looked away as she got reminded of why she'd asked him over here tonight. When she was reminded of the… thing she had inside of her. A potential deal breaker. Why had she gotten herself in this situation? Why was she ruining the one good thing she had in her life except her work? And she'd ruin work too. Stupid.
She was pulled out of her thoughts as he waved to her plate with his fork. He had to chew and swallow before he could say anything though and she already knew what was coming.
"You're not done yet," he said once his food was on its way down to his stomach. For a second it looked as though she was going to put up a fight but then she seemed to change her mind and grabbed her fork instead. He watched her as she put a piece of chicken on her fork but then looked back down his container before she came back up. She knew he was concerned about her and that's why she made herself have a little more food even though she already felt full. Her thoughts went back quickly to why they were here though. Why had she gotten herself in this situation? Why had she spoiled something so perfect? She felt a bit sick to her stomach and put down her fork. She grabbed her cup with iced tea and moved the straw to get the last few drops out. She met Fin's eyes over the rim of the cup and she saw him put his fork down in the container.
"Why am I here?" he asked and she knew the time had come. She took a deep breath and tried to keep eye contact with him. After a while though she felt unable to and looked down on her plate as she tried to figure out how to begin telling him. As usual he didn't push. He just waited for her to speak. To open up about whatever it was that was weighing her down.
"Can we clean up first?" she asked and not until she'd closed her mouth again did she look up at him. He looked a bit annoyed. She had to wait but then he nodded and they cleared the table in silence. It was mostly just tossing the containers in the trash, some utensils to wash and then wipe the table. It all went too quickly and she excused herself to the bathroom to buy some time. She did need to use the bathroom but once she was done she just paced the small area for a while. She was so afraid how he would react. She'd been dwelling on this for almost two weeks now and she'd gone over every possible scenario. Every emotion she'd ever seen him have she'd put in relation to what she now had to tell him. She took one last look in the mirror. She wished she hadn't cause she looked terrible. She gathered her hair back in a bun but it didn't help. She pulled a few strands down on each side but then she just sighed at her own reflection and headed back out. He was waiting for her. She wasn't sure she'd ever seen him this nervous looking. He didn't look his usual cool self at all where he sat at the edge of the couch. She stopped in the door frame, put her hand on it as she felt she needed some support.
"Are you dying?" he suddenly asked and she was taken aback.
"What?" she asked baffled.
"You went to see Ally, are you dying?" By the look on his face she realized he was being serious. She shook her head.
"No it's nothing like that," she assured him. She watched him take a deep breath of relief but he still looked troubled. And he was. He was happy she wasn't dying of course but that left him with the other alternative which meant they were ending something he'd started to take for advantage. Something he didn't want to end. He was waiting for her to say something but she still didn't know how to. Now that she realized how worried she'd made him, he'd thought she was dying, it only made her feel worse. It added to the guilt that was already weighing heavily on her shoulders. She knew she couldn't prolong this and she stepped out into the living room as a first small step. She was thinking of sitting down beside him but she felt she couldn't be that close to him right now and she ended up walking over to the window instead. She turned with the intent to start telling him but as she met his eyes she chicken out and walked back across the room to save some time. She ended up pacing a few times back and forth as she tried to find the word to start with.
"So…" she finally said but didn't get much longer. She'd stopped and faced him and she could tell he was waiting eagerly for her to say something more. She brought her hand up to her mouth and started to bite down on a nail. Fin sighed loudly and turned his head down. He looked a little defeated.
"I just…" she tried as she didn't want to let him down or anything. Why was this so hard?
"It's okay," he said suddenly, "I know that what we have isn't what you want for the future," he was trying to help her out but she was stunned, had no idea what this was coming from and had a hard time following him since her head had been in a whole other place.
"Huh?" was all she was able to say. Fin gestured between them.
"I understand if the shooting and all got you thinking and that you want different things…"
"No Fin. That's not it…" she had to interrupt him.
"No?" he got a glimmer of hope on his face that he couldn't hide from her.
"No," she shook her head. "I'm pregnant." His face dropped as soon as he comprehended what she'd just told him. There was a long silent pause during which they just looked at each other. He couldn't get a grip on what he'd just learnt and had a hard time going from breaking up with her to having a baby with her. She felt a little bit relieved but was still nervously waiting for his reaction.
"You're…" he finally managed to say.
"…pregnant," she filled in. He took a deep breath and moved back on the couch so he could lean back. He suddenly felt a bit lightheaded. He rubbed his face with his hand as he tried to handle the information he'd just gotten. He looked back up at her, his face was asking her for confirmation so she nodded slowly.
"Wow, not what I was expecting," he admitted and smiled a little.
"Would you have preferred I was dying?" she asked with a faint smile back at him. He chuckled briefly and then shook his head.
"So the stomach pains the other week?"
"Baby," she nodded. He eyed her intensely trying to figure out what state she was in.
"How are you doing?" he asked. She just shook her head and bit down on her lip. He kept watching her. She'd never been good with that intense stare of his. It made her feel like he could read her like an open book. It was a scary feeling for her. She'd never had anyone in her life that she felt understood her. That just accepted her for who she was, didn't try to change her, hurt her or lied to her. She felt tears burn behind her eyes.
"Amanda," he said as he saw her eyes dwell up with tears. She shook her head and turned away from him.
"Talk to me Amanda," he begged her as he sat back up on the couch to just get a little closer to her.
"I'm so sorry," she said and hated that her voice sounded so frail. She took a deep breath but it got stuck on a sob in her throat and she felt herself shiver.
"What are you sorry 'bout?" he wanted to know what was going around her head. No more trying to figure out on his own what she was feeling or thinking. He'd been terribly wrong last time he tried that.
"For this mess," she almost yelled out as she turned back towards him, "I should have been more careful. I'm so sorry for putting you through this. I…" He interrupted her.
"Hey, hey," he said rather loudly and got her to look at him. She wiped away a tear that escaped her eye. He shook his head.
"One doesn't make a baby," he said seriously, "Two makes a baby." He gestured between the two of them.
"We did this. You are not the only one to blame here Amanda." She suddenly felt even more blessed to have him in her life. Tears escaped from both her eyes and she tried to wipe them away quickly with both her hands.
"So this was in the hospital?" he asked and she nodded.
"So you're pretty far ahead then?" She nodded again and that question made her eyes tear up again. She raised her head up to the ceiling try and keep the tears from falling.
"I just don't know what to do. I have to decide next week," she pressed her palms to her eyes so she could put down her head again without the tears falling. Not the best strategy but the only one she could think of right now.
"And the doctor wanted me to talk to the…," she hesitated and peeked at him through her hands, "You, before I made any decisions." She put her hands down and was thankful no tears were falling. She took a deep breath and managed to calm down a little more.
"I just don't know what to do Fin," she said quietly and bit down on her lip.
"Common over here," he said. She feared she would break down completely if he touched her now but at the same time she wanted to feel his touch. She hesitated but then slowly made her way over to him. She sat down on the couch table in front of him. She didn't look at him at first but he searched for her eyes underneath her bangs and finally he managed to find them.
"Talk to me," he asked. It wasn't a demand, he just asked her to tell him what was going on inside her right now. She shook her head a little as she tried to find a way to put all the turmoil and doubts she was feeling into words that would make sense to him.
"It's just too much to handle right now," she said quietly, "I just got back to work and I get myself into this mess. I'm such a screw-up. They'll think I'm just a good-for-nothing."
"Screw them Amanda. What do you wanna do?" he said and she felt a bit angry even though she knew he was right. She knew she paid too much attention to what others thought of her even though she tried her best to cover it.
"But you know how much the job means to me. Captain took a long shot with me and here I am just causing trouble after trouble," she shook her head.
"You got shot Amanda. It could happen to anyone of us at any shift. Captain came to see you in the hospital almost every day. He cares a lot about you. He'd never opened up to me about his alcoholism."
"You should get an addiction," she mumbled. He knew she wouldn't give up that easy.
"It's you Amanda. It's about you. We all care about you and you make it darn easy for us to like you," he couldn't help himself and reached out and touched her cheek. She smiled but she made a face that told him she still wasn't convinced. He let his hand fall down to her hand that was resting on her knee. They sat in silence a while.
"What are you're thoughts on this?" she asked almost stuttering. Again he used that intense stare to look at her.
"I'll stand by any decision you make," he said and made it sound so simple.
"That doesn't help me make one Fin," she complained quickly.
"It has to be your decision Amanda," he just said calmly. She sighed and shook her head. Again she knew he was right but that still didn't mean she had to like it. It didn't mean she didn't feel a little bit angry that he just couldn't tell her what to do.
"What are you thinking?" he asked.
"That I have lousy timing as usual," she looked up briefly and caught his smile. She didn't want to but she smiled too and took a deep breath.
"This thing," she hinted to her stomach and was about to continue when he interrupted her.
"Thing? What? Are you carrying ET in there?" he said amused.
"Well since you're the baby daddy who knows what's in there," she quickly retorted and made an annoyed face at him. He couldn't hold down the amusement of her sassiness and his face burst in to a big grin. She rolled her eyes at him but had to smile too. Not too much though, she was also annoyed. He quickly went back to serious and said calmly:
"Look, just hear me out. You've talked about this. I know you want to be a mom one day. And I know I in a way am keeping you from that. So maybe… maybe this is meant to be?"
"Oh so its destiny calling?" she said sarcastically but he shrugged his shoulders.
"I save a kid only to get shot so I can get knocked up in a hospital can?" she shook her head but then smiled as she continued: "Come to think of it, it does sound like something destiny would have in store for me."
"All I'm saying is that if you want to keep… ET," he smiled at her and continued: "I don't have a problem with it. It's not that I expected to be a dad by the end of the day when I woke up this morning but I'm just saying you have options and I'll back you up whatever you chose."
"So then if… what? Do you mean we tell them, the captain and ya'all about us?"
"I don't see that we have to really," he said and she looked at him with a puzzled face.
"What I mean is that of course I'll be the dad on paper but we really don't have to tell anyone."
"They will ask me who the dad is though."
"And you'll tell them the baby daddy won't be around," he said simply.
"Great the office slut," she mumbled.
"Beats office closeted lesbian?" he suggested which earned him a deadly stare from her. But she knew the rumor, he did deserve the stare though since he was to blame. He was the reason she turned down numbers at the bar, why she didn't date and why she'd gotten the rumor.
"Hey, we're getting ahead of ourselves," he said and put both his hands on her knees. He waited until she looked back at him before he continued: "Let's just take some time and think about it. All the options. We don't have to decide right now right?"
"We do. I have a doctor's appointment this Monday, I'm twelve weeks Fin," she said and felt a bit of that panic rise from her gut again. He spotted it though and grabbed a hold of her face with both hands and pulled her to him. He placed her eyes just a couple of inches from his and looked at her very seriously but with so much care in his eyes she could burst.
"We figure it out. We always do right?" he said quietly and she nodded as she swallowed hard.
"Get over here," he said as he let her go and she immediately crawled up in his big, warm lap. He enfolded her with his big bear arms and it made her feel calm instantly. He kissed her hair as he leaned backwards. She folded her legs close to her body and he rearranged his arms so he was holding on to her entire body. She loved that he could hold on to her, all of her, in just one giant hug. She loved that by doing so he made her feel like the safest person in the universe. She loved him. Yes, she loved him and that might be a problem. But for now she was content right there and then. All she needed was his arms around her and it felt like everything would be fine. Whatever she chose to do she felt safe knowing he would be there right by her side.
He stayed with her that night and the one that followed. Nothing much was said the first night. She'd fallen asleep in his arms on the couch and he'd carried her into the bedroom as he started to feel tired too. She'd awaken as he stood up and at any other time she'd probably demanded to be let down but she didn't feel like fighting him right then. Instead she'd wrapped her arms around his neck and taken a deep breath by his neck to get his scent inside her. She'd kept her arms around him as he put her down and made him laid down with her. She'd fallen back asleep with her head to his chest, heard his soothing heartbeat next to her ear and his hand had gone up and down her back. She'd fallen asleep feeling safe and protected but nightmares had haunted her all through the night. Nightmares with her running from unseen threats, hands grabbing for her and catching her.
Dreams she recognized a bit too well and she knew who's hands were grabbing for her. This night though there were new elements to the nightmares. Usually fear was the main emotion but tonight there was an overwhelming feeling of stress and guilt mixed in there too. The male hands at times turned to giant hands that could fit all of her in its grab. Like Ann Darrow in King Kong's hand. And the hand squeezed her hard, she couldn't breathe once it caught her. Fin had been by her side though and talked her down as she started to stir next to him. Once, as she sat up panting and gasping for air, he just brought her back down and gave her space to calm down. He simply held on to her hand, stroke away the hair that cling to her damp face and watched her to make sure whatever had haunted her dream left her alone. As she settled she turned to him and let him enfold her in a hug. As the night was so disturbed for both of them they slept in late that Sunday.
Thankfully Liv called Fin to let him know that the suspect on their ongoing case had been captured during the night. He'd been injured in the police hunt though and the doctor wouldn't let them talk to him until earliest Monday. Cragen had told them all to take the day off and come in with new strength Monday morning. Fin let Liv know he'd informed Amanda and that's just what he did as he laid back down with a relieved sigh next to her. Amanda felt relieved too and felt able to relax a little once she knew she didn't have to put on that brave front she felt she'd carried around since she came back after the shooting. First she'd wore it for everyone else, to try and prove she was stronger than she actually felt like. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it got her moving forward. After she'd learnt she was pregnant though she'd worn it to try and kid herself and it had been draining she now had to admit. She rolled over towards Fin and nestled by his side as he put his arm around her. They lay still for a while. For the first time in a very long time now she felt as though she was relaxed. Just content in his arms.
Fin was the persona of relaxed and even the shocking news he got last night couldn't change that. But he had a lot of thoughts in his head. A lot of questions that he wasn't going to ask her yet, if ever.
"Tired?" he asked as she rearranged herself in his arms and then let out a long, loud sigh. He felt her nod against his chest.
"You had a lot of nightmares," he said as he let his finger draw figures on her arm that lay across his chest, "what were they about?"
"I can't remember," she lied. She stretched out a little as she yawned.
"Hungry?" he asked after a while. She shook her head again.
"You?" she asked.
"You have to ask?" she could hear on his voice he was smiling and she chuckled.
"You want me to make you something?" she offered but it was his time to shake her off.
"No, I want you to rest a little more and I'll run across the street and pick something up for us." He'd linger a bit though, not wanting to leave the comfort of her bed and her body nestled up to his. It was comfortable, familiar and he didn't want it to end. But finally his growling stomach interrupted the peace and he left prompting her to stay in bed and catch some more rest while he was gone. Once back he found her sound asleep again and he let her be. He had coffee and a bagel in front of the TV. He heard nothing from the bedroom for over an hour and got up to have a peek. She seemed to still be sleeping and she might need it but he wanted her to keep him company. He went out and made a fresh cup of coffee for her and then he sneaked back into the bedroom.
He crept up in her bed and moved the cup around a bit to get the smell to wake her up. It seemed to do the trick because she started to stir. But it didn't get the effect he was expecting.
"No," she moaned, "get it away from me. I can't have coffee stupid."
"Grumpy much?" he complained but he immediately put the cup down by the side of the bed.
"Oh I want coffee so bad," she groaned when he turned back to her. He leaned down and put his lips briefly against her.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking," he whispered as he pulled back a little from her. She open her eyes slowly and gave him a faint smile. She raised her hand and put it to his cheek.
"No I'm sorry, you're anything but stupid," she whispered. After a long and deep kiss he went out to fix her some iced tea, and a glass of milk. They had breakfast in bed and then laid back down. They stayed off the subject for as long as they could but they both knew they had to approach it sooner or later. He had plenty of time to think during the night and before she woke this morning but his feelings were a little all over the place. One minute he figured a baby would tie her to him, a selfish thought he knew but he did think it. The next minute it freaked him out. A baby could spoil everything they had. He wanted her, their relationship, for himself. He was not ready to have it out in the open. He was a selfish prick he knew it but he'd never been one to lie to himself and he wouldn't start now. He would however not push her either way. He trusted her enough to make the right decision for all of them.
She was lying on her back next to him. His fingers were going up and down her arm inside her sweatshirt. He noticed her other hand moving up upon her stomach. She was deep in thought and seemed to do it unconsciously.
"Can you feel it?" he asked and she looked up at him with a puzzled look on her face. He shot his eyes down to her stomach.
"Can you feel the baby inside of you?" he elaborated and she shook her head as she got the question.
"No. No, I just feel... like bloated," she tried to explain how it felt.
"Can I?" he asked. She hesitated but then nodded slightly. He moved his hand and put his palm down carefully on her stomach. He couldn't feel much through her sweatshirt so he dared to go underneath without asking. He moved his fingers over her flat tummy, carefully to not disturb the tape over her scar. He couldn't feel a difference but when he put his palm down and just slightly pushed a little he thought he could feel that slight bump that must be the baby. A very strange sensation came over him as he realized that must be his baby. He got pulled from his thoughts by Amanda sighing and shaking her head. He kept his hand on her tummy as she pulled up her sweatshirt.
"It has gums," she said and he looked at her with a weird face. She looked back up at him and nodded.
"Gums, teeth, fingernails and bendable elbows," she said with raised eyebrows. He smiled at her.
"Yeah? It does sound like you have ET in there," he joked and got a slap on the arm for it but she smiled too. He moved his hand back and forth over her tummy a couple of times before he stopped by her bellybutton and started to draw circles around it.
"So what do you wanna do?" he asked. She remained quiet a while with her eyes focused somewhere in the distance.
"So," she started and looked at him, "we would just go on like we usually do? Tell no one you're the dad? But, I mean, we would have to tell him or her once he or she is old enough right?"
"Of course. When you feel like the time is right we'll tell him or her," he assured her.
"It won't screw the baby up would it?"
"Families comes in all shapes and forms these days." She thought about his words for a second. She looked up at him with anxious eyes as she asked:
"I won't screw up the baby?"
"You would most definitely not screw up this baby," he smiled down at her. He could see the glistening in her eyes. She looked up at the roof.
"I didn't do such a good job with Kim," she whispered.
"That's because it wasn't your job. You weren't her mom. You would be an awesome mom to your baby." She sent him a look sideways along with a faint smile. She looked away again and there was a long pause. He started moving his hand around her stomach again. He leaned down and put his lips to her temple. He stayed down, close to her face.
"So?" he asked. She shot him a look sideways again and this time she didn't look away. He saw the smile slowly spreading across her face. He raised his eyebrows and she nodded slightly with a very content smile on her face.
"I'm having a baby," she whispered right before their lips met.