So the decision was made. She was having this baby. But even though the decision was made she had a hard time getting her head around it. She was going to be a mom in less than six months. It was an overwhelming thought. She went to see her obstetrician Ally Levitt as planned that Monday and the doctor tried but couldn't hide her excitement over Amanda's decision to go ahead with the pregnancy. They went ahead with the rest of the test that was normal for women going into their second trimester and they also went ahead with some more extensive tests just to make sure the fetus hadn't taken harm by the drugs Amanda had been on after her shooting. They would not find anything wrong with either the baby or the mother to be.

She wasn't completely sure how she felt about Fin not wanting to publically own up to fatherhood but with everything going on she tried to focus on the fact he was still by her side. It was like nothing had changed between them but she wondered what would happen once the baby was actually here. She had asked him how he felt about having her as a partner at work now that she was pregnant. It was important to her that he didn't feel as though she was a burden, that he still felt she could have his back. He had no problem with it as long as she didn't tackle any perps but she hadn't done that since before her shooting anyways. He did however urge her to tell the captain as soon as possible. She started to dread telling the captain as much as she had telling Fin. She feared Cragen would see her as the big failure she still felt like.

If the first trimester of pregnancy had made her feel anything but 'hot' the second trimester changed all that. She started to feel almost like herself again. Gone was the constant fatigue, no more nausea and she started to feel sharp again. Like she was back in the game. She still wasn't showing and there were times when she actually forgot she was pregnant. And speaking of hot, once she looked it up online and no longer felt like a freak, she embraced the fact she had a sexual desire that made her want to jump his bones whenever she was alone with him. Fin didn't seem to mind either. He did mind that she wanted to keep her tee on though but he didn't fight it right now. He would take that battle later since he figured she was under enough pressure right now.

Just as Amanda had sensed Fin was still ambivalent about the baby. On one hand he couldn't wait to meet the little wonder but on the other one he was scared. Scared that things would change drastically, scared to get caught maybe. He had a sweet deal with Amanda. The equality of having the cake and eat it too. A baby could change that. Would change that. But for right now she was diverting his mind with some serious bed action. And he wasn't complaining.

And she was funny too. They had always been able to laugh together but boy did she entertain him right now. It was the baby related information she gave him. One week it had been something she read about how the baby's head was as big as its body. It was literary looking like an alien. She was carrying ET. The next week it was clinching her fist and telling him that's how big the baby was inside of her right now. And apparently it was fury too. The week that followed there was some weird stuff going on with the baby's head and face. Ears migrating to the side of its head and eyes moving to the front of its face. Amanda wondered where the ears and eyes had been before that. The internet said nothing about that. Just that they moved and migrated. Like illegal immigrants across her baby's face. She made him cry laughing. He couldn't remember Teresa ever being like this or telling him stuff like this but then again he hadn't been that present during her pregnancy.

He was happy to hear her talk about these things cause he did feel like she still hadn't fully accepted that she was going to have a baby in her life soon. It felt as though she pushed it away a little and since he wasn't really ready to take that in either it suited him a little too well. But she was now 15 weeks and she did have to tell at least the captain now he figured. She knew he was right but she didn't have to like it. She gathered enough courage one day and stepped up to captain Cragen's open door.

"Do you have a minute cap?" she asked as she put her head through his door. He looked up with a smile and told her he had more than a minute for her. She stepped inside and closed the door behind her. She met Fin's eyes through the blinders that were down put open as usual. He sent her a smile as she turned around and stepped up to Cragen's desk. She wiped her hands on her pants as she could feel they were a bit clamp. She told herself to calm down but the scary thought that he would be disappointed came popping back inside her head and she felt anything but calm. She was so busy talking to herself she missed what her captain said and only saw his lips stop moving.

"What?" she asked like a total spacecadette. Cragen gave her a look. He'd mentioned that ADA Barba, whom he'd met earlier that day, had been impressed with some work she did on an old case that was now going to trial. He could see now though that she seemed tense and clearly not in the mood for smalltalk.
"You wanted to talk to me?" he said instead and she nodded. She cleared her throat but didn't know how to start and remained silent. Cragen looked at her with some concern in his eyes. He waited for her to speak, figured this was hard for her and feared she'd fallen back into her old gambling habit. He'd been impressed that she seemed to have managed to stay away from it from the get go. He wasn't sure how it was with gambling but with alcohol it seemed falling off the wagon at one point or another was almost the rule.

"This is a little hard sir," she finally managed to say. It was a bit of unnecessary information to Cragen who could see it clearly on his detective. His mind went off the falling off the wagon theory and he got concerned she was going to tell him she was quitting. With what she'd just gone through he wouldn't blame her but he would miss her.

"Take your time. I do have more than a minute for you," he said with that kind smile of his that Amanda had gotten the privilege to see many times by now. Amanda smiled back and felt some of the tension ease up. She cleared her throat again and took a deep breath. She could do this she thought to herself.

"Well sir, I know it's bad timing. I mean with me… just back and all. But sir… well, I'm… pregnant," she felt like she wanted to fall through the floor as she managed to finally end that sentence. Cragen looked somewhat shocked and he was just that.

"Pregnant?" he repeated and she nodded.
"Well, that's… great. Congratulations Amanda," he rose up from behind the desk and came around to her.
"Congratulations are in order right?" he asked as he came closer though and he felt unsure judging by the look on her face.
"I guess yes," she stuttered as her face broke into a slight smile. Cragen gave her a hug and she felt a little bit lighter as he seemed to take the news well.

"I didn't know you were seeing someone," Cragen said.
"Well I sorta was but it's complicated sir," she started but Cragen raised his hands.
"No need to explain detective. I'm sorry that I brought it up. It's none of my business. How far along are you?"

"Well it's passed the three month rule or what you call it," she said not really wanting him to figure out it had happen while she was in the hospital.
"And everything's proceeding well with you and the baby?" he asked and his smile widen as she nodded.
"You're feeling okay?" he wanted reassurance since her eyes were still somewhat avoiding his.

"Yeah I've only known for a couple of weeks myself. A lot of the symptoms I had I thought was from the shooting. Turned out it wasn't," she smiled and made a face. Cragen chuckled and had a seat at the end of his desk.
"Have you told anyone?" he asked and looked briefly out towards the squad room.
"Fin knows. But no one else," Amanda let him know.

"You want to tell them?"
"Can that wait a while sir? I've just gotten my head around this myself and I need to tell my parents and all," Amanda tried to explain.
"Sure. Whatever feels best for you Amanda. When you feel ready we should also sit down the two of us and talk about how you want to work up until delivery."

"Well sir I don't want any special treatment. I know me getting shot put strain on the squad and I don't want this," again she couldn't say it and just gestured slightly towards her stomach area. Cragen reached out and grabbed her arm though before she could continue. She looked at him from underneath her bangs.

"Amanda it wasn't your fault you got shot. Don't put that on yourself. We all risk getting shot in our line of duty and it's our job to have each other's backs. And also," he looked at her even more seriously than earlier and continued; "You getting shot wasn't a blessing, you having a baby is." His words went straight to her heart and all the hormones in her body made her eyes tear up immediately. Cragen saw it and smiled.

"You're going to be a great mom Amanda. I can't wait to meet your baby," he stood up and gave her another hug as he felt like doing so.
"Thank you sir," she whispered close to his ear.

So the talk with the captain hadn't been as bad as she'd imagined it would be. Empowered with that talk she decided to call her mother that same night. Bite the bullet so to speak. Of course it hadn't run as smoothly. It started with the obligatory passive-aggressive complaints about how Amanda never called and how shocked Bonnie was to see her number in her display for a change. Then there was the obligatory fuzz that followed when Amanda asked how Jack was doing. Her mother disliked that she called her father by his first name. Amanda had started using her parent's first names when she was around eight or nine. It probably had something to do with that whole ride along ordeal with her father's bookie. That had changed her view on life rather much and it had most definitely made her change her view of her father. She'd never felt close to her mother and now that her dad had abandon her too she'd started to seek independence. As a child though there's not many ways to do that and her way had been to stop calling them mom and dad. Her mom had put up a fight though and after a few too many slaps over the head and hairpulling she'd gone back to 'mama' but her dad had never put up a fight so from then on it had been Jack. Something her mom didn't like.

Bonnie went on to tell her about Jack's latest crafty work. He was apparently back to carving his wood pieces again and apparently people seemed to like the handcrafted items and buying them from him. Amanda didn't even try and comprehend her parents fucked up relationship. They had gotten a divorce when Amanda and Kim were still very young and for as long as Amanda could remember they had never gotten along. Constant fighting and disagreement over everything and nothing. Amanda hadn't seen much of her dad after the bookie incident. She chose to stay home while her dad took Kim out. Then Kim had lost interest too and after that they saw their dad perhaps twice a year when he popped by with birthday presents or Christmas gifts a few weeks too late. The girls had moved around a lot with their mother. Whenever they got behind on rent or their mother found a new boyfriend there had been a new apartment or house. Some of the boyfriends hadn't been that bad but most of them were douchebags which their mother had found out sooner or later and then they'd moved again.

There had been one reliable person in Amanda's life though. Her grandma Faith. She hadn't been around much when Amanda was really little. Amanda figured that her dad and grandma hadn't really seen eye to eye. But when her dad was out grandma had stepped in. Well as much as Bonnie had let her. Mom and grandma didn't go that well together either. Amanda had never figured out why and why Bonnie had no contact with her two older sisters at all. Amanda had cousins she'd only met like once or twice. But it was better to just stay away from that mess.

Grandma Faith had pushed her way into the girl's life though. She had this ability to just let Bonnie's spite run off her, she never said a bad word back even when Bonnie reached gutter level in attacking her own mother. Grandma was a frequent guest in whatever place they were living in, she tidied up and made sure there was food in the fridge. Amanda remembered the long car rides they used to take out to the countryside to look at animals and run over open fields. Well the girls had, grandma had arthritis and stayed by the car to watch them. Grandma was the rock. The one Amanda could call when Kim got in trouble Amanda couldn't solve on her own and their mother was nowhere to be found. The one she'd go to when life just got too hard. The only one she felt secure enough with to see her tears. She'd died Amanda's last year in high school.

It had been devastating but of course Amanda hadn't shown that to anyone. Grandma had just moved into a smaller house and she left that house for her youngest daughter and her two granddaughters. Bonnie's older sisters had both married, and divorced, rich so they were in no need of cash or a house. The house was a bit of a blessing. Amanda had already made plans to move away to go to college but the house meant she at least knew where her mother and sister would be. And that's where her mother still was. And oddly enough it was also the place where her dad was these days. He however camped out in a shed on her lawn. Amanda didn't even bother to try and figure out how that came about nor what kind of relationship her parents had today.

However every time she spoke to her mom she did get an update on her dad whether she wanted it or not. Now that she'd gotten it the conversation quickly went awkward. They had never been good at smalltalk.
"So…" Amanda started as they'd quickly emptied out how work was on either side of their phonecall. Her mom was quiet, of no help as usual and Amanda knew that her mom knew she'd called her for a reason. Amanda took a deep breath and then just came out and said it.

"Mom, I'm pregnant." Amanda had still not gotten used to saying that out loud and it sounded weird. A long silent pause followed. Amanda for some odd reason felt like crying but bit down on her nail, held it in.
"Did you hear me mom?" she finally asked.

"I heard you," came the short answer. Amanda wished she could see her mom's face right now. She could never hide her true emotions on her face but her voice was always steady. She had no idea what went through her mom's head right now and usually it would frustrate her but today it just made her feel like crying.
"Okay then, I have to run," Amanda tried to keep her voice steady.

"Are you doing okay?" Amanda was taken aback by the question and she had to turn the speaker away briefly of fear her mother would hear one of the sobs that threaten to escape her throat. She collected herself quickly and put the speaker back to her mouth.
"Yeah, I am."
"When's the baby do?"
"End of the year."
"Who's the father?"
"No one you know," Amanda said to get out of elaborating on it.
"Will we get to know him?" her mom asked and Amanda had to think about that.
"He won't be around much," she confessed even though she knew that gave her mom the upper hand. Her daughter, the one she'd always thought was too big for her britches, fucked up. Became pregnant with no father around. Her mom probably thought she had it coming.

"I'm going to have to start dinner now," her mom said abruptly and Amanda knew the talk was over.
"Okay. Say hi to… dad from me," she'd hesitated but then chosen dad instead of Jack.
"I will. Bye." The line went flat. Amanda sat with the phone to her ear a while and listen to the void.

It hadn't been that bad but it hadn't gone that great either. She was always left with an empty feeling when she talked to her mother. It was like she always hoped for something more, something else, but that connection never happen. She feared her mother felt the same from her end, that Amanda disappointed her in the same way. Even though the phone call left her wanting more she'd gotten a surprise in the mail the next week. A package arrived from Atlanta with her mom's and dad's names as senders. She'd opened it immediately. Tissuepaper with pacifiers met her eyes as she got the package open. Inside it a book for first time moms, a Atlanta Braves baby jersey and a card with the simple wish Congratulations and signed by 'mom & dad'. It brought a smile to her face and some tears to her eyes. Tears she wiped away quickly even though she was alone.

Another week passed by. And then another. Amanda still wasn't showing much and suffered no typical pregnancy symptoms. Fin kept enjoying her increased sexual desire but he was a bit concerned that she seemed to be a bit in denial still. She'd stopped mentioning how the fetus was developing and she wasn't really nesting. Not that Fin knew much about it but he had picked up an article or two about it since he learnt he was going to be a dad again. He also knew Cragen had urged her to tell the entire squad because he approached Fin about it the other day. He decided to bring it up one evening that same week. He had something he wanted to discuss with her too, something he'd been thinking about.

"So have you thought anything buying a crib and stuff?" he asked as they were clearing the table. She gave him a look.
"It's still ages away," she said and turned her focus back to the dishes she was doing. Fin sat down by the table again and grabbed his soda can.
"Not really, time flies you know," he knew he wasn't making any sense and he deserved the next look he got.

"Okay," he admitted, "Cragen wants you to tell the others. Why aren't you?" She diverged her eyes quickly and he took a mouthful of soda while he waited for her to answer.
"Amanda?" he urged as she remained silent.
"I will, I will, stop bugging me," she said as she reached for a towel for the wet dishes.

"When?"
"Soon okay?" she made a pretend throw with the towel at him to enforce that he bugged her. He shot her a smile before she turned away again. He watched her dry the plates they'd just eaten on and he did look at her ass as she reached up to put them back in the cabinet. He got his head out of the gutter and back to the subject that he wasn't ready to drop just yet.

"Something's stopping you from doing it though. Common, Amanda, let me help if I can," he said.
"You help? You got me in this mess," she made a funny face at him to let him know she wasn't being serious. He smiled but he wouldn't fall for it. She would not joke her way out of this.
"Seriously Amanda," he said as she put away the last of the dishes, "tell me."

She sighed loudly but she knew when he wouldn't stop pinning her down with his eyes that he wasn't letting it go. She got up on the counter with a little more effort than usual and leaned back.
"I just worry what they'll think of me," she said a little quieter.
"Amanda, women get pregnant every day, you're not a freak of nature," he said with his kind voice. The last thing he wanted to do was make her feel worse.
"I know, I know. I just don't want the attention I guess." He saw her start to pick at her own nails.

"Can I help in any way?" he asked and was happy to see a smile sneak back upon her face.
"You already are by just being here," she let him know. They sat there just looking at each other for a while but then her cheeks turned a little darker and she had to look away.

"There's something else I'd like to ask you?" he said and she looked up at him again as she got curious.
"What?" she asked.
"Well I was thinking, only if it's okay with you of course, but I'd like to tell Ken. About the baby." She looked a bit stunned.
"Really?"
"Yeah."

As the shock seemed to settle she got a content look on her face.
"What would you tell him?" she asked with a shy smile on her face. Fin had to give that a thought.
"Well I guess I'd tell him we've done the nasty and he's going to have a kid brother or sister soon." She chuckled and shook her head at him.

"Would it be okay with you? That I tell I mean?"
"Well I'd prefer if you didn't tell him about the nasty," she smiled at him and it was his time to let out a chuckle.
"Seriously though," he said as he settled, "I was thinking it would be better since well I like you to keep coming to thanksgiving and such and I don't want it to be awkward for you once he or she is here."

"Would you tell Teresa too?"
"Telling Ken will probably mean Theresa and Alejandro too yes. Problem?" She shrugged her shoulders but shook her head soon after.
"So it would be okay if Ken wanted to see the little rugrat once it's here?" She nodded but he could tell she was thinking of something.

"But what would you tell him about us?" she hesitated a bit as she asked him.
"Well I'd tell him it's a bit complicated. He's a smart kid, he'll figure it out I'm sure," he said simply but could tell she wasn't all that satisfied with his answer.

"What would you prefer I told him?" he asked. She seemed to think about it but then she just shrugged her shoulders. She wasn't sure how she felt about all this. A part of her felt excited and perhaps a bit relieved. Someone else would know about them. In a way that made it feel like less of a burden. Not that she thought of their relationship as a burden but it just felt good that someone would know the truth. But then there was the part of her that wanted more. She'd prefer if they perhaps could be a little more 'out' to his son and extended family. She hoped it wouldn't be too weird for Teresa though. Amanda liked her. Teresa made her feel at home over at her place. Like she belonged. She hoped a baby with the father of Teresa's son wouldn't change that.

She got pulled from her thoughts as Fin rose from his chair and walked up to her. She smiled as he got near. He pulled her knees apart so he could get in-between them and as close as possible to her.
"I don't have to tell him if you don't want me to," he said seriously.
"No, it's okay. It's only good if the baby has a few more people around it I guess," she'd worried about the isolation and lack of family so it really was a good thing. He had a good look at her to try and get a read on her. It seemed she'd gotten a bit mysterious to him lately. She made a funny face at him as his stare got too intense. He put his arms around her, grabbed a hold of her ass and pulled her out towards him. She got a wide smile on her face and she put her arms up on his shoulders.

"So it's been a while since you told me anything about the baby. What's going on in there this week?" he asked and she got a pondering look over her face as she tried to recall what was in the baby book.
"Well it can hear your voice by now," she told him.
"It's that cause the ear's finally in their right place?" he asked and she chuckled.

"I don't know. And it's the size of a palm."
"Yours or mine?"
"I don't know," she answered again and put her lips to his. He pulled away after a few seconds.

"What else?" he asked and she seemed to think about it.
"Sucking and swallowing," she said.
"I hope you're talking about the baby," he said quickly.

"Sick," she whispered and shook her head at him. He could tell from the smile on her face though that she got the joke.
"Oh," she said as she thought of it, "next week it's going to have its own set of unique fingerprints."
"Can't get away with murder any longer then."
"And it will start moving around more, probably start kickin' and stuff."

"You can find out the gender soon right?" he asked, he remembered reading that somewhere. She nodded.
"At the next ultrasound," she informed him.
"Do you want to?" he asked and she shrugged her shoulder.
"I was thinking maybe if you found out it would be easier for you to relate to him or her," he said it carefully. Her face got a little vary.
"You think I need to? Relate more?" she asked and he felt her fiddle with her fingers on his back as she avoided meeting his eyes.

"Maybe a little," he moved his hands up inside her shirt as he felt like feeling her skin underneath his hand. He caressed her tenderly. Her eyes came up to meet his. He raised his eyebrows at her and after just a short while she nodded at him. No more needed to be said. She got what he meant and he was right so she couldn't fight him. He tilted his head a little and came in a little closer. He stopped before he reached her though and let her close the distance. She opened up her lips to let him in and he quickly responded. He pulled her into him even further and she locked her arms around his neck as the kiss got deeper. She felt his hands move in underneath her and she locked her feet around him as he lifted her off the counter. It didn't take them long to reach the bedroom.

Two days later she got an opportunity to tell the rest of the squad as they were all gathered by the table in the squad room going through the evidence in their latest case. Even Munch was present. It was a rare treat seeing how he spent most of his time over at Cold case these days. She feared they'd soon loose him to Cold case all together. As Cragen rounded off she cleared her throat to get his attention and then asked if she could have a minute. He looked pleased as he left her the table since he figured it was finally time for her to let the others in on the secret she'd been keeping from them. She looked around the table. Nick looked both curious and inpatient. Munch had his usual cool face on and had leaned back in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest. Olivia seemed to stare her down. Amanda could never get used to her intense stare, it made her feel judged for some reason. Fin gave her a tiny wink and she fueled strength from him and just came out and said it.

They'd all looked a bit stunned. Even Munch, but just for a brief second or so. She'd seen their eyes travel down to her stomach unconsciously. They had nothing for that. She'd been starting to wear her shirt out for about a week now since she started to feel her pants stretch a little in the waistline. There had been an awkward silent pause but then Munch had blurted out 'well Mazel tov' and gotten up to give her a big hug. He'd said something about how he couldn't wait to meet the kid, he was sure it would have a perfect mix of southern sass and the New York flare. His seemingly honest happiness warmed her heart and made her feel a little more at ease. She didn't even mind that he had patted her stomach just a little as he let go off her so Nick could give her a hug.

When Nick had said his congrats she went on to let them know that she'd asked the captain to be out on the street as long as possible. She clarified though that she understood if anyone didn't feel comfortable partnering up with her and she wouldn't take offence. She added that Fin was willing to put up with her if anyone else wasn't. Munch had made a joke about if she'd offered him the role of godfather and Fin had chuckled a bit nervously still sitting on his chair. Nick had said he had no problem going out with her if she would just let him do the tackling from now on. She hadn't done much tackling at all lately and she promised she wouldn't start now.

Finally Liv had gotten up and came around to give Amanda a hug. She agreed with the others that she didn't mind partnering up with her. She'd smiled but Amanda thought she saw some sadness in her eyes, she couldn't figure out why though and just shook it off. She let them know she'd be on desk duty once the stomach got in the way so they really didn't have to worry about her butt-kicking perps with her bump. It had all ended on a good note and she was happy it was over with.

For the next few days though the news of her pregnancy spread rapidly through the entire station and she had to put up with lots of hugs, congrats and even some high-fives which felt a bit odd. If Amanda got all the praise, Fin had to handle grief behind her back though. They kept bugging him about having a partner that would rage with hormones. Making her sound like she would turn into a she-devil sooner or later. He hadn't really thought about that aspect. She would, perhaps even was, handling a lot of hormones in her system and he made a mental note to try and keep that in mind. Thankfully though Amanda wouldn't have that much problem with hormones. Sure she would have a few lows along the way but for most parts she was mostly struggling with what kind of mother she would be and all fears of what legacy her child would inherit from her side of the family. If she had to get any Rollins genes Amanda was hoping they would be from grandma Faith and none other.

During the coming week Amanda would start to feel the baby move and it was a bit of a shock. She could no longer pretend this wasn't going to happen. As she laid down for the night she'd gotten into this habit of trying to connect with the baby. It was something she'd read in a book. She touched her stomach, tried to imagine where the head was at and if it was sleeping or awake. She knew that it could hear voices apparently but she felt odd talking to her stomach. She tried sometimes but just thought she sounded ridiculous and gave up. Fin did it one time. Talk to her stomach. That was beyond odd but for just a short while it also felt oddly normal. They could've been any two soon to be parents. But as she chuckled and slapped his clean shaved head to push him away she realized they weren't. They were still just working partners for anyone outside these four walls.

But that wouldn't be the case for much longer as Fin had asked his son to have dinner with him that week. He'd decided to take him out on a restaurant and fill his son in on what was going on. There were two reasons for him chosing a restaurant. First one was that he wasn't the best cook. Second one was that he actually felt somewhat tense and not sitting tight in his apartment felt better. When Fin arrived Ken was already situated at a table. He was as punctual as his mother.

"Ken," Fin said to get his attention as he was looking through the menu. Ken got up and stepped out from the table so they could connect hands and then hug.
"Dad," Ken said close to his father's ear. They sat down and exchanged the usual 'how are you' and 'how's work' only briefly interrupted by a waiter that took their drink order. Fin went on to ask how his son's fiancée Alejandro was doing, if he'd seen his mother lately and then it was time to order food. These days Fin really enjoyed spending time with his son and couldn't believe that it hadn't always been like that. He hadn't been there for his son as he grew up. There wasn't anything Fin could do about that now, he could only try and be a good dad to him right now. It did however make Fin think about the kid he would now father. How would that work out when he couldn't own up to most of his world that he was the father?

"Dad?" Fin was brought back by his son's voice. Ken had seen his father zoom out of the conversation they were having and he'd let him for a little while. Ken wasn't stupid. He knew there was a reason his father had asked him out for dinner. Not that his father didn't spend time with him but it was usually Ken who had to set it up. His father was just a… well typical male perhaps. He was honest to the point off hurtful at times but Ken had learnt to appreciate that as he grew older. Ken missed his father if he didn't hear from him for a week but for Fin weeks could pass by like it was only days. His dad had accepted Ken being gay and he had accepted Alejandro more openly than Ken ever could have hoped for. Ken, these days, accepted his father for who he was. That didn't mean he didn't sometimes wish his father could be more open with his feelings and perhaps be a little less… manly. So when Ken got his call last week he wondered what was up. And now as his dad was deep in thought he started to worry a bit that it was something really serious. He hoped his dad wasn't sick or anything.

Fin looked up at his son with a little distress on his face.
"Where did you go?" Ken asked. Fin put down his fork as he realized the time had come. He needed to get another beer in though before and waved the waiter over. Ken could see his dad was stressing out about something and let him take his time. Once the beer was finally there and almost half of it was down in one swipe it was time to bite the bullet.

"So Ken," he started.
"So dad," Ken mimicked his dad and it served its purpose, he got his dad's face to temporarily break into a smile. Ken smiled back but then leaned back in his chair to give his dad the room he needed to get this off his chest. Fin took a deep breath.

"Well there's something going on that I feel I need to tell you," it took him ages to get just that line out. Ken looked a little worried.
"I'm not dying or anything," he quickly added as he saw his son's face. Ken seemed relieved. Fin took another swipe of his beer to clear his throat.
"So you know my partner, Rollins," he said and Ken couldn't help but smile a little. So was his dad finally coming clean that they were more than partners?

"Amanda, yeah," Ken said and tried to confine his amusement a little.
"Well you know we're tight and all, she's a great partner," Fin wasn't sure how to get to the point and trailed off.
"When she got shot, well that was hard, not…" he stopped cold not liking what road he went down. Ken sat up a little in his chair. He felt like his dad needed a little help.

"I know that was hard for you. It was hard for me to see you in the hospital. And seeing her too of course. I like seeing her around mom's house. She brings out a good side of you dad. I like Amanda," Ken said.
"Well that's good to know son cause she's having your little brother or sister," Fin said and Ken's jaw dropped a little. That was not what he expected to hear.
"For real?" he had to ask as he tried to appr? this news. Fin nodded.

"When?"
"Around new years."
"Wow, well I'm a bit stunned dad. This wasn't really what I was expecting," Ken admitted.
"Well not me either but it happen and we're dealing with it."

"So, what does that mean for you and Amanda? I mean are you a couple? Are you still partners?"
"Oh no we're not a couple. We just, well hooked up a few times and then after the shooting the baby sorta just happen," Fin tried to explain.
"Dad a baby just doesn't happen. How is Amanda dealing with this?" Ken felt a bit of anger brewing in his gut. This felt a bit too familiar and he drew parallels between his mom and Amanda.
"She's dealing. We are both in agreement we want to stay partners and we keep our business to ourselves so we can stay that. You're the only one who knows," Fin got interrupted.

"So you're not stepping up as the father?" Ken felt the anger flare now.
"Hey cool it. Of course I will. Just not in front of the squad. Amanda knows I have her back and it's a mutual decision."
"Are you sure about that?"
"Hey, I l…," Fin stopped himself and took a breath before he continued; "I care about her a lot. We just can't be together."
"Why not?" Ken didn't get it.
"It's complicated son. This is how we're going to play it okay? It was her decision to keep the baby and of course I'm going to stand by her decision. And I felt I needed to tell you since it will be your blood too." Ken shook his head a little. He tried to twist this information around in his head a little before he was ready to talk again.

"How does Amanda feel about you telling me this then?" Ken asked.
"She's cool," Fin said and was just a little too nonchalant than Ken liked to see.
"And if I wanted to see this babybrother or sister of mine?"
"She's cool with it," Fin said.
"Just as long as, what? I don't tell anyone I'm his or her brother?"

"We haven't really worked out everything okay. Just don't spread it around," Fin said with a sigh. Fin had been so busy thinking about how to tell Ken he hadn't really thought about how Ken would react. He'd figured he'd be shocked but happy. Ken had always wanted a sibling when he was younger. Sure some time had passed, and he was almost the same age as the one who'd give him a sibling now. Fin realized he hadn't thought this through enough but he still felt right telling Ken.

Ken grabbed his soda and leaned back in his chair. While he drank he tried to steam off a little. He did realize some of this anger was some old grudge that the kid inside him still had against the absent father. They were both adults now though and Ken needed to act like one. Perhaps his dad and Amanda had a mutual agreement about the baby. Maybe it was nothing like with his mom even though it did sound like his dad took the easy ride once again. Ken looked at his dad seriously as he put down his glass.

"I can't keep it from mom and Alejandro," Ken said.
"I know. It's cool," Fin nodded. Ken felt like shoving his dad's 'cool' down his own throat.
"So at Christmas and Thanksgiving, are we going to pretend that things are just as normal? Like you're just partners as you put it? And there will be a baby running around and we'll call it what?"
"Why do we have to label it?" Fin asked and Ken had to move a little in his chair as he felt that anger flare again. He took a few deep breaths until he felt calm again. Then he was able to look at his dad again.

"Okay dad. I still think it's… honestly fucked up," he took a pause since he rarely used that vocabulary and it felt odd to hear it roll of his own tongue, "but I do want to be a part of that baby's life since it is my blood. Will it be possible for you and Amanda to come over for dinner, perhaps next week?"
"Sure, I'll ask her but I'm sure she's up for it," Fin smiled a little.
"Good. I'm sure Alejandro will be ecstatic about the baby, I'll try to contain him though," Ken said and Fin's smile widen.
"No, don't. I think it would be good for Amanda to feel some of that. She's been… struggling a bit with this whole becoming a mother thing," Fin tried to explain without hanging her out. Ken just saw a man that showed some concern though and he realized he might have jumped to conclusion about his dad just ducking out.

They would meet each other again the next week for dinner and Alejandro and Amanda would also be there. Alejandro would be as expected overjoyed with Amanda's pregnancy. He'd somehow even talk Amanda into letting him feel her stomach which would be the first time one other than herself, Fin or her ob/gyn would do so. It would turn out to be a pleasant dinner and not as awkward as Ken would fear it would be. And Amanda would even have some more news for them.

She'd been thinking a lot about what Fin said about bonding with the baby, accepting she'd be a mom in a not so distant future. And she knew he was right. With her childhood and the profession she'd chosen she was surprised she hadn't given up on children and having a family of her own. But the thought had always been there. Not that she'd gone around thinking about it constantly but during those moments where you flipped through a magazine and saw some home design article with the mom and the dad and the children, she'd wished for that. Some stability of some sort. People around her that loved her and gave a damn when she'd be home or away. Something that was far from her own family.

She didn't plan for it to be like this though and with the situation with Fin just being… in a way the most solid relationship she'd ever had but yet so darn complicated and fragile it just scared her. She wanted her baby to have stability, loving parents and that fucking perfect home in that home decor magazine. She couldn't lie to herself. She feared she couldn't give this to her baby. She would love it, she knew she would love the baby once it was here and she would do her darndest to give it stability. And some normalcy that she felt her own childhood lacked. But it wouldn't be in that perfect home in that article with the titles Mom before her own name, Dad before Fin's name and Son or Daughter in front of her baby's name.

Distancing herself from reality wasn't a good tactic. She'd tried it before and it had worked but this was a reality that became very much a reality after nine months and thus far not something she could distance herself from forever. So at her next appointment at doctor Ally's as they were doing her second trimester ultrasound she'd decided to let Ally tell her the gender if it was possible. That way she could start to think of the 'it' as her son or daughter. It would be more of a person Amanda figured.

"So Amanda everything is progressing just fine according to all tests," Ally told her with her head still in her journal looking through Amanda's blood stats and such. She folded it shut and looked up.
"You ready to go next doors for the ultrasound?" Ally asked and Amanda nodded. This would be the third ultrasound in just a few weeks so Amanda knew the drill by now. Ally's nurse was also present this day to help everything go even smoother. Ally ran her usual routine and got all measurements of the baby and made sure everything looked find inside her womb.

"Okay Amanda I got everything I need," Ally said, "it's up to you now. You want to know if you're having a boy or a girl?" Amanda took a deep breath. She wasn't sure why she felt so nervous about this. Ally had that usual happy disposition of hers and waited for an answer. Amanda nodded.
"Sure?" Ally asked to make sure and Amanda nodded again.

"Okay," Ally said and got the transducer moving across her stomach again. Amanda felt her corner in on an area and Ally pushed a few buttons on the monitor. Ally had already turned the monitor so Amanda could see it and this time Amanda had no trouble seeing the baby at first glance. How the doctor could tell a gender from it though was still a mystery to her. But as Ally turned and smiled at her she figured she knew.
"Amanda, you're having a…"

XXX

I'm so mean. I know ;)
I hope you're still enjoying this fanfic. It's fun to write anyways and with all the Finanda feels in the last episode - Poisoned Motive - I couldn't be happier. I keep hoping that when we'll see - to quote Warren Leight - "who everyone in the unit wakes up with and spend their day" in the finale episode it will show Fin & Amanda together but that would be too much of a utopia I know. Still hoping though.

Oh and I just wanted to let you know that when I pick up my laptop to write this particular fanfic I seem to always get that Pink song in my head. You know the one with Nate Reuss? Just give me a reason. I love that song. And it symbolize in a way how I see Fin & Amanda's relationship. Here you have two people who are so obviously in love with each other and their love is solid but still so fragile (like Amanda described it in this chapter). Amanda (Pink in the song) has these worries, insecurities which mess things up and Fin (Nate) is just being a typical guy (yeah I know I'm sterotyping but whatever) ((I can actually relate more to Fin here, I'm like that in relationships too)) not making her feel secure enough cause he sees it differently. She's just having bad dreams, making things up in her head that aren't there or doesn't have to be there. He just wants status quo.
But anywho, have no fear I want them together and I'm sure they'll end up there but there's still some road to travel. To give you a spoiler (stop reading if you don't like spoilers, you've been warned) I have a chapter almost done which is inspired by the Bruno Mars song "When I was your man", so there's just not smooth sailing ahead for my two favorite detectives. Dun dun. Reviews/thoughts/feelings are welcomed & appreciated.