Thirty minutes later Olivia was still pacing the waiting area. The nurse Ginny had come by as she'd left the OR, apparently she wouldn't scrub in with the doctor. She let Liv knew Amanda had gone to sleep peacefully and the doctor were certain she'd be able to stop the bleed. Liv wouldn't feel all that content until the doctor came out and told her that herself though. She asked Ginny if there was any news of the baby girl. She had promised Amanda to make sure she was okay. Ginny disappeared for a while but then came back with good news. Amanda's little girl was doing fine. She'd been given some oxygen and was on a monitor but everything looked fine. At least it was something to feel happy about. Now all she needed was good news on Amanda.
She was just thinking about going out in the hallway to see if she could find anyone to ask how the surgery was going when she heard ruckus coming down the hallway. She turned and watched just as Fin showed up with speed and right behind him Nick.
"How is she? Where are they? She's in the OR?" it all came pouring out of him at once. Liv grabbed his arms and tried to get a word in.
"The baby is fine, tiny but perfect. She's in NICU. Amanda was so good during delivery. She had a bleed though so the doctor took her to the OR. Last I heard the doctor was certain they could stop it."
"A bleed? What? Why? That can't be good?" Fin felt anything but calm and Liv grabbed his hands and squeezed them.
"This is Amanda we're talking about, Fin. She'll be fine," Liv sounded very secure and even surprised herself just how much. Fin seemed to trust her and took a deep breath. Liv released his hands and gave him a hug. He looked like he needed one. Fin rubbed his hand over his scalp as she let him go and Liv shot Nick a wide smile when he patted her arm gently.
"And the baby. Fine you said?" Fin asked once the somewhat relaxing news about Amanda finally sank in. He'd been stressed since they left Auburn but it had mostly been concerns about the baby and if something happen to her how that would affect Amanda. Once they finally reached the hospital they got the news that Amanda was in the OR which threw Fin into a loop. It had never crossed his mind a premature birth could harm her.
"Most precious baby I've ever seen," Liv smiled so much her face almost hurt and her eyes teared up again. Nick gave her arm another nudge as he too felt tears to his eyes. They didn't have time to say much more because right then Sandra stepped into the waiting area. By the smile on her face they all gathered everything had gone well.
"Well the party is all here I see," she smiled and met them half way.
"She's okay?" Fin asked eagerly. Sandra nodded.
"Everything went fine. A small bleed but I managed to stop it and there will be no permanent damages. She'll be as good as new. No even better because she has a beautiful daughter too," Sandra smiled.
"The baby's okay?" Fin asked and again got a nod.
"You want to see her?" Sandra asked. Fin got overwhelmed but managed to nod finally. Sandra gestured for him to come with her.
"We'll wait here okay?" Liv said and Fin turned and gave them a nod. Nick turned and gave Liv a proper hug once they were alone. He wasn't sure why he felt the need to hug her, joy from knowing everything for once went smoothly with Rollins in the hospital perhaps. Liv appreciated it though and touched his cheek as they let go of each other.
"Amazing?" Nick asked since he could see joy on Liv's face. She nodded as they both had a seat next to each other.
"Such a miracle. And the pain Amanda was in, I tell you I'll never complain ever again about anything. And then this little creature," Liv was beaming.
"Ten toes, ten fingers?" Nick smiled and remembered how he'd counted Zara's.
"Yes. And yes. I think," Liv smiled, "I was busy looking at that precious face. That cute nose and her lips. She was so tiny but still tried to move those tiny arms of hers. And that little whimper. She doesn't have Amanda's deep voice yet I can tell you," Liv smiled and Nick chuckled.
Fin followed Sandra down the hall and they took the stairs up one floor. Sandra informed him during the walk that Amanda had done so well during the delivery.
"It's never easy when you get rushed like that. When you don't have time to prepare and know the risks that comes with premature births. But she did really good. We called NICU while in the OR and her baby is doing fine. She will be on the tiny side when you see her but lungs and everything is looking good. They will keep her until we see that she can nurse, that she gains weight and can keep her temperature up. And I want Amanda to stay put and I'll try and keep her as long as the baby is here," Sandra gave Fin a smile. He got that she knew about Amanda's reluctance to stay in the hospital.
"I'm sure if you keep the baby hostage she'll sit tight," Fin smiled. They reached NICU and Sandra brought him inside to a room where he got to wash his hands thoroughly and put on a gown. She walked in first and smiled at the many nurses that were around. Fin saw many incubators. Some of them overwhelmed with machines around them and it looked scary and critical. Made Fin feel bad for whatever set of parents that belonged to that kid in the middle of it all. He turned his focus back to Sandra's back and followed her all the way to the back of the room. A nurse smiled as they approached, she stepped away from an incubator and handed Sandra a journal before she left them alone.
"Here she is," Sandra said but the information was unnecessary. He'd already seen the note on the incubator. Baby girl Rollins.
He held his breath as he stepped up next to the incubator. He'd never understood the captivation people seemed to have with babies but he got it now. From the very first glance he felt it in his heart. This baby would be loved.
"Go ahead," Sandra said when she saw him just standing there, "get your hand in there."
"Can I?" he asked without letting his eyes of the little one.
"You can and you should. Newborns need human contact. It's only good for her." Sandra watched as he very carefully stuck his hand inside. His gentle finger against her tiny arm. Sandra had a hunch. There was a reason she'd brought him in to the only-for-parents area. She'd seen the way Amanda acted around this man and the way he looked at her. She had a hunch they were more than partners. And she'd been in this baby delivering business long enough to see that this little girl, even though her skin was fair, might just be biracial.
Fin was hooked. Figurative and literary. The tiny girl had hooked his finger as best she could with that tiny hand of hers. And she'd hooked his heart the very second he laid eyes on her. Once she let go of his finger he put his palm down on her tiny chest and he felt her heartbeat ticking away as his fingers swiped down the side of her tiny chest. She stirred a bit under his touch and he smiled as he saw her tiny legs kick a little. Her feet were covered with the tiniest little white socks he'd ever seen. She wore the tiniest diaper he'd ever seen and on her head the tiniest little beanie. She had a wire attached to her chest, another one to her arm and underneath her nose a fine oxygen line.
"She's having some trouble maintaining her temperature, that's why she's in the incubator," Sandra said. Fin had felt the heat of the madras she laid on.
"She's getting some oxygen to help her out a little but she's doing very well. We need to get her back together with her mom as soon as possible. See if she can nurse and put some weight on her," Sandra wasn't even sure he heard her. But then he suddenly gave her a brief look.
"So she's really okay?" he asked.
"She's really okay Fin," Sandra said very convincing. Fin smiled as he looked back down. He touched the little girl's cheek and it made her scrunch up her nose a little. Fin chuckled silently.
"Well common, get your phone up, snap some photos while you can," Sandra urged.
"I can?" Fin asked.
"Without flash, go ahead," Sandra said and Fin got his phone up. He made sure his flash was off and then found a clear surface through the incubator. He shot a few photos and Sandra pointed out another good angle from where he'd get some good full size images. Not that it was hard, she was really tiny.
Fin felt a bit sad once they had to get out of there but felt a little better when Sandra reassured him he'd see her again soon enough. Now they needed to go see to the mother. Sandra left him with Liv and Nick for a while. Nick got to see the photos and he got what Liv had been fuzzing about. This was a cute baby. Sandra soon came back to take him to Amanda and Liv and Nick said their goodbyes. Sandra told Liv she did a good job as a mid-wife today and Liv chuckled as she volunteered her services in a week or two once she came down off the rush of today's events.
Fin felt a little overwhelmed as Sandra took him to see Amanda. Worrying for four hours stuck in a car on a road took its toll. Once he got to lay eyes on her though everything felt so much better. She was still sleeping once they got into her room. She had an IV line to her arm and a fine oxygen line underneath her nose just as her baby had. Sandra let him know she might be feeling the slight blood loss and the oxygen was to help her with that. For some reason the lines didn't bother him, he'd seen her in much worse condition. Sandra left him alone with her and said she'd check back in before she left the hospital for the night. Once they were alone he placed a light kiss on her forehead and sat down by her side with her hand in his. He sat there just looking at her for a while. He got interrupted once a nurse rushed in silently. Once she spotted him she stopped in her tracks.
"Oh sorry," she whispered, "I didn't know she had company." Fin shot her a smile so she'd know it was okay.
"Still not woken up?" she asked and he shook his head.
"It will probably not be long now. Will you do me a favor? If she wakes up before I check back in will you push the button above her bed?" Fin looked at the button and then nodded.
"We want to bring mother and daughter back together as soon as possible," she informed him before she headed back out. He had another long look at Amanda's sleeping form. Then he suddenly thought of something. He looked at the watch above the door. It was past six pm. He got his phone up. He picked one of the photos that he'd just snapped and pressed attach to message. He found his son's number and started typing a message. 'Sorry for late raincheck but we have a very good excuse. Meet your baby sister. An hour old. 4 lbs 17" Mother n daughter doing fine. LY dad'
He pressed send and then made sure he turned the sound off before he put his phone back down his pocket. He grabbed Amanda's hand again and he got an immediate response as he felt her finger twitch. He heard a low moaning sound and he reached up and stroked the side of her head. It took a while but then her eyelashes started to flare and slowly her eyes opened. It took her a while to focus but once she saw him a faint smile spread over her face. It took another few minutes before she was able to keep her eyes all the way open and focused on him. Once she was able to focus her thoughts there was only one thing she wanted to know. She swallowed a few times and tried to get sound out of her windpipe.
"How," she tried but didn't get further. She didn't have to though. He got her.
"She's doing just fine. She's perfect. I've seen her. She's tiny but breathing and all," he saw a tear escape her eye and he gentle swept it away with his finger as he continued, "there was something about keeping her temperature but she's in this heated incubator. She was resting peacefully. She's really fine." He'd kept his hand by the side of her face and he stroked her cheek gently as he saw the relief on her face. She leaned into his hand a little.
"They want you two to hook up again though. A nurse asked me to call for her once you woke up. You want me to call her right away?" It didn't take her long to nod and Fin rose from his chair to reach the button. Before he did that though he stopped right above her face and hovered a bit. He made sure he had her eyes and then he leaned down and planted a soft kiss on her lips.
"You did great," he whispered once he'd let her go. He got a smile and then he pushed the button.
It didn't take long until the little one travelled down a floor and Fin went around the bed so he could watch both Amanda and the baby as they were reunited. Hearing the nurse say 'here's your baby girl' made them both emotional. Fin helped Amanda sit up a little so she could reach over and put her hand inside the incubator. The nurse explained that the little one was doing fine but did have some trouble keeping her own temperature up and she needed the oxygen. They needed to mind the wires a bit but it didn't mean she was all that fragile. The nurse asked if Amanda was willing to give nursing a shot as they needed to establish if she could feed on her own. Amanda felt a sting of that fear to not be able to deliver but nodded. The nurse asked her to open up her robe and Amanda shot Fin a shy glance. He thought about asking if he should step out but he wanted to be there for this. He wanted to be a part of it.
The nurse spoke softly to Amanda at the same time as she opened up the incubator. She told Amanda to just relax and let it come naturally. If it worked it worked otherwise they'd just try again a little bit later. The little one started whimpering as the nurse picked her up. Fin couldn't help but smile like a fool even though she clearly didn't like leaving the warmth of the incubator. Amanda pulled her robe apart even more as the nurse with skilled hands flipped the baby over and put her down face first on her mother's bare chest. Amanda felt a sense of great relief as she felt that tiny weight on her chest again. Again the sound of her mother's heart beat had the same effect on the little one as she quiet down immediately once she had landed.
"Just let it come natural," the nurse whispered and pulled a little at Amanda's robe so the little one's entire body could connect with her mother's skin. The nurse pulled the cover a little over the two. The baby needed to stay warm. Amanda stroked the little ones back as she took in every part of her little face. Her tiny nostrils were flaring like she smelled something and her tiny fingers were looking for something to grab a hold off. Amanda put her finger in one of her tiny hands and she immediately latched on. Fin sat down quietly by the end of the bed and just watched the two connect.
"Can I take her beanie off?" Amanda asked as she managed to tear her eyes off the little one and to the nurse by her side.
"For a while yes," the nurse smiled. Amanda carefully pulled it off and then gently rubbed the little ones head. The few dark strands were soft as could be and Amanda leaned down so she could put her lips to her head. She took in the scent, that amazing smell of a baby that she'd heard so much about and wasn't disappointed. She lay back down and watched as her daughter's eyelashes fluttered. Her eyes never opened up though but her lips did as she made a smacking sound.
"You see, she knows what she wants," the nurse whispered with a smile on her face. It never ceased to amaze her. The nurse told Amanda to help her out a little. Preemies usually needed some guidance she explained. Amanda gently pushed her head over towards her left breast. It felt wrong for some reason. Her breasts had always been an erogenous zone, linked to something very grown-up and here she was pushing her baby towards it. Amanda had always felt uncomfortable seeing women breastfeed in public and always looked away. This felt uncomfortable and strange and when the little one didn't seem to want any part of it Amanda felt anxious.
"No I can't, she doesn't..." Amanda stuttered and looked over at the nurse.
"Just give her a minute or two. Don't worry. There are some tricks we can use but let's just give her some time," the nurse said with much patience in her voice. She'd been here many times before and knew not to rush it. Amanda's eyes went past Fin's before they landed back on her daughter. She pulled her robe up a little to cover her other breast up.
"Just relax," the nurse whispered and Amanda tried to.
"Have you thought of a name for her?" the nurse asked to try and distract Amanda a little. Amanda took a deep breath and took a good long look at her daughter. There had been a name in her mind just these last couple of weeks. She'd seen signs all over the place of a certain someone that had meant a lot to her and now that she saw her daughter it seemed to fit just right. Amanda's eyes travelled up to meet Fin's.
"Faith. I want her to be named Faith," she said quietly. Fin smiled and gave her a little nod.
"That's a beautiful name," the nurse said, "does it come from somewhere?" Amanda looked up at the nurse.
"It was my grandmother's name." The nurse nodded at her.
"Faith," Amanda whispered as she looked back down at her daughter and caressed her little cheek gently.
"Fay for short. My little Fay Fay," Amanda smiled. Fin made a sound that made her look up at him again.
"You're not going all Honey Boo Boo child on me are you," he teased. She rolled her eyes at him but with a smile. Her face suddenly got stiff and she looked back down as Fay moved her head so her lips brushed over her nipple. Within a second she'd lashed on to it and Amanda tried to relax as she started suckling on it. It took a few seconds before she got the hang on it but then Amanda could feel the milk leaving her breast and slowly pour into her daughter. It would never be a straight up only pleasant experience for Amanda this whole breastfeeding deal but she learnt to accept it as her daughter needed it and it was a good bonding exercise for the two in the beginning. You would never catch her doing it in public though and when she started to run low when Fay was around ten months it wasn't that hard for Amanda to give it up. The two didn't need breastfeeding to connect, they would have other ways and their bond would never be broken.
Fay would only have to stay in the hospital for 48 hours and Amanda stayed just as long. They got a visit from captain Cragen that first day in the hospital and he brought a teddy bear in a police uniform for the little one and a bouquet of roses for the mother. A little later that day Liv and Nick came by with more flowers and some balloons. They'd bought a 'my first year' book that Amanda would fill out for her daughter as she grew. This hospital stay didn't feel as bad as the last one and she appreciated their visits. Ken and Alejandro stopped by too and were both immediately in love with the little one. Fin had stayed that first night with them as Amanda got her own room up at the NICU floor that she could share with Fay. He'd been gone during the day but came back that next evening and stayed late. He did sneak out eventually though and went over to her place to continue getting her place in order for the homecoming. He'd put up the crib, bought tiny diapers and some other things he knew Amanda hadn't had time to buy yet. He was there to drive them home once they were ready to be discharged and he stayed that first night with them in her apartment. For a night they were just like a family.
If the pregnancy had been somewhat smooth and lacked any wild rides on the hormone roller coaster the first few weeks at home would be draining. Hormones, lack of sleep and a constant worry she wasn't a good enough mother took its toll.
Fin came around every day after work and stayed late if not the entire night. She was great with Fay, it seemed to come natural to her but she didn't seem to see what he saw and she worked herself up about everything. She told him how she'd read online that 15 % of premature babies had mild disabilities such as developmental delays and up to 8 % could have more serious physical and cognitive limitations. She worked herself up over this and not being able to meet her daughter's need and Fin had to talk her down every time. He didn't recognize this uncertainty that Amanda showed but didn't find it strange. It did seem she lacked that natural bond with her own mother and she'd never mentioned a good role model from her childhood except her grandmother.
Amanda had plenty of books and blogs that helped her out though. He could see she was really making an effort and had been since about a month before the birth when it finally seemed to dawn on her she was actually having a baby. When she had Fay in her arms she seemed so calm but as soon she was in her crib she got anxious and unsecure. It was like Fay was her security blanket. She needed her close by to feel secure. Fin, who was used to being her security blanket, tried his best to get her back to her usual secure self. It would prove straining though but he was partly to blame for the situation he was in and he knew he needed to step up to the plate.
It was a good day if he came to her place and found her on the couch with Fay by her breast or her on a blanket on the floor or on the bed watching Fay sleep. Amanda soon grew comfortable with breastfeeding in front of him and Fin loved watching it. He couldn't remember ever seeing Theresa breastfeed Ken. Probably because he was never around when Ken was little. Fay would look so comfortable with snuggling up to her mom's breast and afterwards Fin would have the pleasure of putting the tiny creature to his shoulder, gently rub her back until that little burp was heard. Then Fay would sleep very content for hours. Sometimes they stayed like that the three of them. Fin with the little girl sleeping in his arms and his bigger girl resting her head against his shoulder. A pleasure he couldn't get enough of.
Then there were times when hormones struck and those times weren't as pleasurable but he did his best to fight through them. They could be discussing something, like something they saw on TV earlier or the latest headline and she could go from a sane, sensible, articulate woman one second to a blubbering hot mess the next. Her reluctance to cry in front of him often made her lock herself into the bathroom. He learnt to stay away from telling her about any case SVU got that involved a child. That would just trigger her immediately. He tried to see signs so he could prevent her from going over the edge but his radar was off ever so often. He could call her from work and ask her what she wanted for dinner that evening and it could end with her being so devastated that he couldn't even hear what she was saying or she hung up embarrassed to be caught crying. He tried to get her to stick on the phone though, let her cry it out and try to console her as best as he could. He couldn't understand though how the choice between shrimp or pork in her dim sum could make her cry. He learnt to just not give her the option. He knew what she liked and she craved dim sum during this period for some reason.
He used to call her at least once during the day just to check in. He usually called her whenever he had a break but this particular day he was in the middle of the call when Cragen came out with a new case for Olivia and Fin. Olivia flagged him over and he walked down with her to her car. She had read something online that got her anxious and nothing he said worked to calm her down. By the time they reached the car Amanda was crying on the other side of the line and Fin just couldn't hang up. He got in the car and Liv took off.
"Listen Amanda, hey are you listening?" Fin tried but knew she wasn't. He tried a few more times to get a word in in-between sobs and he noticed Liv's concerned eyes.
"You want us to drive over?" Liv whispered as he looked over at her but he shook his head. It would take another few minutes until Amanda could form a sentence again but then she seemed to sober up quickly. He told her he would check in a little later and then hung up with a sigh.
"She okay? Faith?" Liv asked and Fin sighed again.
"Fay is fine. The other one seems to have been abducted by an angsty, hormonefilled Godzilla alien life form though," he complained and Liv chuckled.
"She's really upside down eh?" Liv asked sympathetic.
"Not even upside down, in a completely different universe. One minute, the other one she's just fine though. I can't figure it out. I thought this was something that was supposed to happen during the pregnancy, not after."
"You should count yourself lucky. It could have been both during and after," Liv winked at him. They rode in silence for a while.
"You over there a lot?" Liv asked and watched him out of the corner of her eye. She couldn't lie, she was a bit curious about their partnership and just how far it went. Fin kept looking out the window.
"I try to, she's alone with it all you know," he said calmly. He hoped she wouldn't probe more and she didn't.
"She's up for a visit you think?" Liv asked instead.
"You want to?" he asked and shot her a look.
"I'd love to see her. And the baby," Liv smiled.
"Give her a call, I'm sure she'd like a visit. She needs to talk to a sensible adult," he smiled.
"Yeah since you're not that sensible," Liv teased. They'd reached the crime scene and Liv parked the car.
"I'll give her a call later, ask if she like to have dinner or something," Liv said as she crossed the street.
"Bring dim sum, she'll love you," Fin winked at her.
Even though he felt lost most of the time there were moments where he felt he did good. One day when he got to her place he found her hunched down by the wall right next to her closed bedroom door. Her arms were folded over her head and he got concern she was ill.
"What's wrong?" he said and rushed forward and down to her level. As her arms came down he could see her face was striped with tears.
"She hates me," she sobbed as Fin tried to wipe away some of her tears. Usually she would try and cover up her tears and it made him even more worried as she didn't even try to do that.
"Who? Fay?" he asked confused.
"Yes," Amanda sobbed and crashed with her head down into her lap again. Fin got her head back up and tried to look at her with sympathetic eyes.
"Why?" he asked as her entire body trembled by a deep sob.
"She's just crying and crying. Nothing I do works. She hates me. I know she hates me," the words came dashing out. Fin let her ramble on for a while until it seemed she finally emptied out everything she needed to get out of her system.
"Have you strangled her?" he then asked and she gave him a puzzled look.
"Suffocated her?" he asked and she shook her head as her face turned more angry than devastated.
"No of course not," she said with some irritation in her voice. He rather see her angry than sad so he was happy to hear that.
"Listen," he said and let the room be silent for a while until he continued: "She's not crying right now though."
"She probably fell asleep of exhaustion. Fell asleep hating me," Amanda pitied herself. Fin gave her a kiss on the forehead and then went up to check on the baby. Fay was in her portable cot on Amanda's bed, sleeping very comfortable with no signs of distress so Fin sneaked out before he'd wake her up. He squatted down by Amanda's side again. Her head was resting at her knees.
"Did I kill her?" he heard her mumble and he stroked her head.
"She's just fine. I think it's her mother that needs some TLC right now," he said and kissed her head.
"Come let's get some food in you and then I think you need some sleep too," he said and grabbed a hold of her to get her upright. She tried to help but he could tell she was weak, probably very tired. There was a reason there were usually two doing this and even though Fin tried to pull his weight Amanda was alone with the baby most of the time. Add to that she only less than 8 months ago was still in the hospital after a very serious injury. Her body never got the chance to heal properly until she found herself knocked up. Now only two weeks after the birth, she'd lost all weight from the pregnancy and it was true in her case that nursing sucked you dry. If you didn't know you could never tell she just had a baby. Of course she didn't go full term so she didn't have to deal with the weight she'd probably gained had she. He managed to direct her into the kitchen and made her sit down by the table as he fixed the food he'd brought home for them. He put her plate in the microwave a minute and then placed it before her.
"Eat," he said as he put the fork in her hand. He hoped that the smell of her favorite thai meal from her local restaurant would get her apatite going. He did regret not buying dim sum as usual though, he was just so tired of it himself he thought he'd tried something else tonight. He put his plate in the micro wave next and then joined her at the table. He dug into his food but could tell she was mostly playing around with hers.
"Jackie Chan will be mad at you if you don't eat his food," Fin said.
"He's not Jackie Chan," Amanda sighed but put the fork to her mouth. Fin insisted that the man usually behind the counter was the Asian actor and backed it up by the fact he had to make money on something other than his b-rated movies. Fin extended his hand and stroked Amanda over her head as he saw her put down the fork a second time. He let his hand run down to her shoulder and down on her arm. He kept it there as some sign of support. She got it and appreciated him being there. She was just so tired though and the food didn't even taste decent right now. Fin could tell she was almost nodding off where she sat and he knew he couldn't win a battle where the opponent was exhaustion. He put down his fork, got of his chair and hunched down by her side. She tried to focus her eyes on him but he could tell she couldn't even do that. He got her arms over his shoulders and grabbed a hold of her legs as he stood up.
He easily lifted her up and walked over to the bedroom with her. He knew how tired she must be because at any other time would she have fought him carrying her like some damsel in distress. He open the door carefully and hoped for dear life Fay would stay asleep for at least a few more minutes until he could get Amanda to bed and the infant out of there. He carefully put Amanda down and made sure she lay comfortable on the bed. He didn't have to bother about her clothes because she wore a tee and a pair of sweats that looked very comfy on her. He stroked away some hair form her face and then turned his attention to the infant.
"Let's let your mama get some well deserved rest okay?" he whispered and then grabbed the cot as carefully as he could. He walked out very slowly so not to tip the cot and then closed the door behind them.
"We're free," Fin whispered as he walked into the living room. He put the cot down on the table and sat down at the very edge of the couch so he could see her properly. People and nurses and doctors at the hospital had told him that the little girl was adorable but Fin had just figured it was something they said about all newborns but now as he looked at her he had to really agree. Even when he tried to look at her with unbiased eyes he thought she looked damn adorable. It was hard to tell yet what color her skin would be but she'd be lighter than Fin for sure. They knew her eyes were light brown but she'd lost those black strands on her skull so the hair color was still a mystery. She had her mother's nose and mouth for sure. Her face was perfectly round and her round cheeks had tiny dimples.
She had of course been underweight when born but it looked as though she'd inherited her mother's slim figure as well. Her tiny legs and arms had no chubby baby fat yet and might never get any. She was progressing well though, gaining the necessary weight and growing just a little each day just as she should be. And those underdeveloped lungs of hers sure caught up, he had heard her scream. He kept watching her for a while almost hoping she would wake up. Fin's stomach was letting him know he was still hungry so he went into the kitchen to fetch his plate. He scooped some of Amanda's food over on his plate and went back into the living room. He sat down at the end of the coach again so he could watch her as he ate.
"There's plenty for you too if you're hungry," he whispered but Fay just kept still in her cot. He finished his plate and put it down on the table away from the cot. Fin wondered if the kid was warm enough. She was dressed in only a romper but then again the apartment was warm. Winter was coming quickly and the temperature had dropped several degrees since Fay was born. He knew Amanda had been a bit anxious about stepping out with her daughter at first but now she managed to get them outside at least once a day. Just a few days ago he'd asked Cragen if it was okay if he took some personal time and he headed over to meet Amanda who was at the hospital with Fay for her first weekly check-up. He'd met up with them outside and Fay had been all bundled up in her buggy.
The check-up had gone perfectly. Fay had been awake and then fallen asleep just as they got out so she slept peacefully when he met the two of them. They walked back to her place. Amanda was still in that new mom phase, this was their first long trip outside. She still didn't feel all that comfortable maneuvering the buggy and Fin caught her smiling proudly when she made a good maneuver with the buggy. Fin found it cute but of course he didn't say anything to Amanda about it. When they got home Fin got the job to undress the kid. Of course Fay had woken up and started fuzzing but he'd finally gotten her clothes off. She kept fuzzing though and he couldn't help with that since she was hungry. Amanda got herself seated comfortable on the couch while Fin kept rocking Fay in his arms. He couldn't help but sneak a peek as Amanda took her top off. She caught him though and gave him a glare.
"Take a photo why don't you?" she teased.
"Yes please, can I?" he shot right back and he got another glare. She hadn't let him anywhere close for quite some time now. He missed it but he wasn't feeling desperate. And he knew she was banned from sexual intercourse for at least six weeks due to the surgery. The intimacy the three of them shared was enough right now.
That day when she'd taken off her top and he'd put Fay down by her breast he'd been watching them in awe. It was like he saw Amanda in a different light. Of course he couldn't help but sneak a peek at her bare breast but he didn't feel that usual arousal he felt whenever he saw some skin of hers. This was something more, felt like something even more powerful. He felt blessed when he saw that little creature nibbling on her mother's breast. Like he was a part of a very special threesome. It felt like his family and the feeling both scared him and made him feel so very thankful. He reached out and gently touched Amanda's cheek. She leaned into his hand for a bit and then managed to tear her eyes away from her daughter.
"What's wrong?" she asked and Fin realized he had tears in his eyes. He shook her off though and just came a little bit closer. He let his finger run down over her collarbone and down to the scar between her breasts.
"Don't," she whispered. He still lingered a bit though, he knew of her ambivalence to her scars and he didn't like it. The scars didn't make her any less beautiful.
"I don't like that you're embarrassed over them," he let her know as his hand wandered up to her neck again.
"I'm not, I just… I don't know," she sighed. She wasn't sure herself why she didn't like him to see them. She wasn't so fond of seeing them herself. Perhaps it had something to do with coming so close to death. They'd browsed the subject during her mandatory counseling sessions after her shooting. The shrink had suggested that she perhaps had felt a bit invincible until she got shot. Amanda had of course not taken the bait and just said what she had to do to get cleared for duty. She knew she wasn't invincible, everyone was mortal in the end. But untouchable. She wanted to be untouchable in a sense since it made things, life, easier. But the bullets had touched her. Entered her. Things that got under your skin, that penetrated you, wetter those things were bullets or people, they would leave scars in one way or another. She didn't need more scars.
Amanda got pulled back to present as her daughter made a smacking sound by her nipple. She shot Fin a quick smile. She didn't say anything more about the scars though and he didn't push it. He put his palm down on her bare chest near Fay's head, wanted to be a part of that bond he saw between the two and this was the closest he could get to it. He waited for her to say something but she didn't seem to mind. He leaned in and kissed her temple. She looked up at him again and looked concerned at him.
"What's wrong Fin?" she asked since she could tell he was somewhere in his head. As always though he couldn't let her in and instead he shot her a cheeky smile.
"It's true what they say, nursing women are hot."
"You're such a perv Fin," she sighed but had a smile on her face. He leaned in again and this time she met his lips with her own.
"Don't say perv in front of our daughter," he said once he let her lips go.
"Then stop being one," she shot back. It didn't go unnoticed though that he said 'our daughter'. It was the first time and she loved hearing it. Her grandma Faith had told her once to keep rare, precious moments sealed in her memory box inside her heart to save them there for a rainy day. As a kid she hadn't gotten it, figured you needed an umbrella more than moments when it rained, but now she did. This would be one of those moments she put in her box.
Fin had been reminiscent about that day last week and how mixed his emotions had been about the situation they were all in. But now he got pulled from his thoughts when Fay suddenly made a tiny sound from the cot. He noticed her left leg was kicking some. He waited for something else to happen but her leg just kept kicking and it made him smile.
"Nice beat there kid," he whispered. He figured she was dreaming or something. He picked up his phone and made a short video of it before she went still again. As carefully as he could he put the back of his hand down on her arm to make sure she was warm enough. She felt just fine and he stopped worrying about her being cold. She would sleep for another hour but then she woke and started fuzzing. He tried carrying her around the room and it worked, at least for a while. She stayed calm in his arms for a while and it seemed she was looking at him but then she started whimpering again. Once he ruled out the diaper he figured she must be hungry and they paid Amanda a visit in the bedroom. He woke her up but then helped out by pulling up her tee and then placed Fay by her breast. He smiled as she watched her almost fall back asleep as Fay was nursing.
"You should watch yourself so I don't take advantage of you in this vulnerable state," he whispered with a smile once she managed to open her eyes a little. He reached out and touched her cheek caringly. She gave him a faint smile.
"You wouldn't," she mumbled as her eyes fell shut again. It warmed his heart that she trusted him like this. Once Fay seemed to have had enough he picked her up carefully and then pulled Amanda's tee down all the way.
"Go back to sleep, I got her," he whispered and gave her face a caress before he left the room. Yes he had them, both of them and he was very grateful for the privilege.
The next week was Thanksgiving and they were all invited to Teresa's place if Amanda was up for it. He could tell she was a little apprehensive about it but she said she really wanted to go. She worried Fay would fuzz and she couldn't handle it properly but she didn't have to worry. Fay was a perfect angel and she charmed the small crowd gathered at Teresa's. Fay wore a dress for the very first time. Not one of those ruffled ones though, no daughter of Amanda would be caught dead in one of those. No Amanda had found a simple but yet adorable little dress in a local store that sold environmentally friendly clothes. She'd even found a new top for herself there that she wore on this special holiday. Teresa, Ken and Alejandro of course had a gift for Fay but Amanda felt very moved once she too got a gift.
They had made her a goodie bag with some small but thoughtful ingredients. A scented candle, a book by an author Ken knew she liked, a Starbucks gift card, comfy slippers and a few more items. Teresa told her to make sure to take care of herself too, that she knew how hard it could be. Amanda appreciated that she didn't go deeper into the matter although she figured she was hinting at that she too had to raise Fin's baby on her own. Teresa did however make sure to take her a side a little bit later and they had a nice heart to heart. Teresa let her know she could call if she ever needed a babysitter or advice or anything. Amanda really appreciated it and made sure Teresa knew that. She would call her a few times over the years to come, they'd meet for holidays and Amanda would come to think of her as a friend and not just Fin's ex.
Then Christmas came and Amanda went home to her mother for a few days. She'd sent her mom and sister photos of Fay but this was the first visit. Kim came home too and, for a Rollins family get-together, it went okay. Her dad was around a bit and even though Amanda kept her distance to him she made sure he got to spend time with Fay. She didn't want to come in-between their relationship, she wanted them to have one, but she would make damn sure he would never hurt Fay the way he'd hurt her.
Amanda played along with her mother's prancing around her neighborhood showing off that new grandchild of hers. She had to put up with some bragging from her mom about Amanda being a New York detective on an elite squad too but she thought she handled it all rather good. It wasn't like she wasn't proud of it, she usually didn't go around bragging about it though. Even though it hadn't been that bad of a visit she still felt happy once she could fly home again and Fin was happy to have them back again too.
And Amanda didn't need to worry about Fay's development. She picked up just fine. And once Amanda got the hang of all the different cries, how the high, screechy one meant hungry, the lower, whiny one meant a diaper change or something else feeling uncomfortable and the one in-between just meant 'pick me up I want to be held', she could relax more and found this whole motherhood not such a bad thing. Every milestone was something to celebrate. That first smile that made Amanda's heart melt, the first time she caught Fay raising her head to follow her through the room and then that adorable little laugher that was so easily tricked out of that tiny little body. She learnt quicker than the average kid to carry her weight on her legs and then it didn't take long until she could roll around on her own. Fin was ecstatic about her mini-pushups. But then when it felt like she really could recognize her mother's face and voice Amanda had to go back to work. She'd used the full 12 weeks Cragen had offered her and even though she thought she would miss work she wouldn't mind spending another 12 weeks at home with her daughter.
She found a very good nursery school close to her home though. She did of course check the record on every employee, she was an SVU detective after all. They provided good care for her daughter while she worked the day shift for a couple of months. Then she would find a very reliable young college student that could take Fay home the days when she had to work late.
Amanda treasured every moment she could spend with her daughter. She did keep a good eye on the development curve though but Fay kept making good progress and scored high on every weekly and then monthly check-up. Amanda felt proud when the pediatrician told her Fay responded well to her name and she was able to sit up sooner than her peers. By six months she was already crawling and with the help of Fin she baby proofed the entire apartment. She'd gotten a hang of the waving goodbye even though she surely didn't understand what it meant and she loved playing peek-a-boo. Her favorite toy, except for everything she could grab a hold of in the kitchen and pound together to make a ruckus, was a colorful unicorn that Fin had bought her as a newborn. And as the perfect mother's day gift she made a sound that sounded like mama.
Fin had made a note in his calendar not to forget Mother's day. He was lousy at birthdays and gifts and holidays and had always relied on others to remind him but he'd made damn sure not to forget this day – her first Mother's day. He got her a bunch of flowers and developed and framed a photo he had in his phone of Amanda and Fay. It was a really cute photo of Fay planting a kiss on her mother's cheek, with her hands having a tight grip around her entire face and Amanda still managing to look adorable with a big smile on her face. Fin knew exactly where and when it was taken. They had been in the park, spring had really bloomed and it had been a really great day outdoors with just the three of them. Fin had taken a photo of this cool piece of mural graffiti when he'd heard Amanda laugh and when he turned around Fay had seemed to be trying to swallowing her mother whole. It had turned out to be a kiss though and Fin was lucky he had the camera up. Amanda loved the framed photo and the flowers. It did make Fin think that perhaps maybe he should buy her flowers more often.
During the summer they had a brush with an armed pedophile and it was a close call for both of them. It made Amanda worry about Fay and what would happen to her if anything happen to both of them. Fin tried to calm her down, nothing would happen to them and certainly not at the same time.
"You don't know that Fin. You can't promise me that. We can be in the car together and it can be over in a second. We could both be shot in an instance when we walk into a building together. That bullet grazed you and it was inches from my head," she had to take a breath as her thoughts came pouring out of her.
"Thanks for picturing me dead," he mumbled and took another bite of his plate as they were in the middle of dinner.
"I'm just saying what if. So I was thinking," she started but waited for his reaction. She was waiting for the 'oh oh' face since that's what he usually gave her when she said 'I was thinking'. But he just asked 'what`' quickly. He just wanted to get off the subject of them getting shot or run over. She wanted guardians for Fay but she ruled out her family and he wouldn't argue with her. And that's when she suggested Ken and Alejandro.
"How do you feel about that?" she peeked up at him from underneath her bangs to see his reaction. He just kept chewing for a while with his eyes on the plate but then finally looked up at her.
"You'd liked that?" he threw the question back at her.
"Yeah. I think they would be excellent parents for her," she said and he gave her a slight shrug of his shoulders.
"It's cool by me," he said.
"You think Ken and Alejandro would want to?"
"I think they would be a little too happy. Maybe even kill us off to get to her," he said and took another bite. Amanda chuckled. And they would be happy and proud to be asked to be Fay's guardians. Amanda had to agree that Alejandro did become crazy happy, asked when they could sign the papers and later Amanda would joke with Fin that he might have been on to something and they should watch their backs.
By summers end Fay had maneuvered many more milestones. She was crawling almost as fast as Fin could run and she could walk with aid by a hand or furniture. Everyone kept saying she would walk before her first birthday. She reacted when you called her name and she could follow easy instructions. She did understand the word 'no' and it was one Amanda had to use a little more often than she liked too. She didn't want to limit her kid like she felt her own mom had done with Kim and herself but on the other hand she couldn't risk letting Fay put everything in her mouth that she got her hands on or let her get into dangerous situations like when she climbed something higher than a couch. The fall from the living room table left them in the ER with, thankfully, not a concussion.
Fay was showing good cognitive skills using her thumb-finger grip early on and she could clap her hands but still found it funnier watching someone else doing it. She had a contagious laugh and everyone at the nursery school said she was such a happy and delightful child.
She did have a nice personality and she kept being cute. At about six months Amanda started feeling hair on her scalp and she could feel it was rough like Fin's hair. But it came out blonde and soon she had the cutest little blonde afro surrounding that cute face of hers. Her glowing aura, as many called it, was showing.
At ten months Amanda stopped breastfeeding and it didn't take long until Fay got a hang of the spoon but still preferred to be fed. The kid was a bit lazy and Amanda silently blamed her dad for that trait. She would mimic your moves and picked up on learning new things easily by doing this. She took her first steps not long thereafter. As many working mothers Amanda missed this as it happen while in nursery school. One of the caretakers shot it with her phone though and sent the clip to Amanda which left her standing breathless and with tears in her eyes in the middle of the squad room. She didn't care though. She was so proud and happily showed her squad the minute long clip with her daughter's first seven steps before she fell only to burst out laughing like a maniac where she laid. Like she too was hysterically proud of herself. The clip made Fin and Nick laugh while Liv aw'ed about how cute she was.
Fay got the hang of walking rather fast and then all Amanda had to work on was keeping up. It gave Fin the idea for Fay's very first Halloween costume. Amanda thought it was a bit silly celebrating Halloween since Fay basically still just found the ding on the microwave enough to celebrate but she let Fin have his fun since he did all the work. He made her into a runner, tights and all with a pair of new smart sneakers, a number plate on her chest and a sweatband around her head. Fin had his work cut out for himself to keep Fay from not ripping off her number plate but with a whole lot of tape it actually got to stay on for the remainder of the night. Amanda had to admit the costume was cute and Fin got them to go outside just to show it off. She did get a lot of positive comments and even though they weren't trick or treating Fay earned a few candy bars from people walking by. Fin would snag the bars but let her keep a fiver that someone gave her. For her piggy jar he said as he handed it to Amanda.
And then it was time for her very first birthday. A whole year had passed and Amanda didn't know what she'd done to be blessed with this precious little soul in her life.
But everything wasn't of course just peachy and rosy. Teething had been a draining period for both mother and daughter. Lack of sleep for both of them took its toll but thankfully it was a short period. Amanda had one big worry though that would linger for at least another year. Fay didn't talk. She'd said mama at the 'right' time on the chart but then nothing else came. She could babble but mostly she was quiet except for that delightful laughter of hers that was heard a lot. She grunted when frustrated, like when Amanda tried to lure her to say something by having to say water or milk instead of just pointing to it. They did run tests on her hearing but it showed what Amanda already knew, there was nothing wrong with her hearing.
And at the one year check-up she scored high in intelligence. She could point to different bodyparts and got it right, she listen to instructions and followed them, she could draw easy forms with a crayon. The doctor found nothing wrong but she still didn't speak so Amanda withheld something must be wrong. And it wasn't that Amanda didn't do her best. Even though Fay was a very active child, one of those that would climb a bookshelf if you didn't kept your eye on her and would easily run off in a crowd, she did enjoy, and had from a very young age, listening to stories. She was captivated by the drawings in books and seemed to listen to every word you read out loud and loved when you did voices when characters spoke.
Fay's pediatrician let Amanda know though that about one out of four children were late talkers and fewer than half of those would require therapy to get them on track. The doctor told her to just keep reading with Fay, try not to stress out about it and if she by the two-year-check-up still wasn't talking they would set things in motion. Thankfully she would make progress though, slow but steady and by three years old she was talking up a storm to the point any other parent might just have prayed for a silent break. Amanda knew better though, she remembered how worried she'd been and she tried to listen to every word that came out of that little mouth of hers.
But she was still only a year old and it was time for her very first birthday. They - Fin, Amanda and Fay - spent it at Kens and Alejandro's place with Teresa and her nephew as the only other guests. It was Alejandro that wanted to throw her a party and Amanda didn't mind even if she still felt all they needed was a microwave with a ding or a singing stuffed animal to keep Fay happy. But it had been a very sweet party Amanda had to admit and let Ken and Alejandro know she was extremely grateful for everything they had done. From the adorable birthday cake, the party hats, the balloons to the friend they had that worked at a theater that came over dressed up as a character you could imagine finding in Wonderland and that had Fay mesmerized. She sat still as he painted a butterfly on her cheek, he did some juggling and then handed over a stuffed unicorn that later would settle in with the many more she had back home. It was a perfect birthday party for her little girl and she liked the feeling of them being surrounded by people that loved them, genuinely loved them.
She'd taken Fay home to Atlanta once during the summer and now they did the same trip for Thanksgiving so her mom got a chance to celebrate the newly turned one year old. It wasn't such a warm Thanksgiving that she'd gotten accustom to at Teresa's but it wasn't that bad. This was the family she'd been born into wetter she liked it or not and in small dozes she could handle it. Also this way she got to spend the entire Christmas holiday in New York with Fin by her side. This Christmas Fay was a little more aware of her surroundings and a whole lot more active. Fay loved the snow and even though Fin didn't he pushed through it and even made a snowman with her. He'd do anything for that little girl and Amanda loved seeing the two of them together. She'd been so busy being a mom she hadn't thought much about the relationship she had with Fin. She was just very content with life right now.
For Fin this past year had been emotional. He loved that little girl, and her mother and there were times when he wondered if he could change his ways. If he could settle down again. Or for the first time really. He'd never fully settled down with Teresa and Ken. He always came back to the conclusion though that this was the best way for them. They had a good thing going, why ruin it he figured. Now that they were back to what they had before Fay was born he was fully satisfied.
He had to work for it though. Amanda had kept her distance for a good six months and he had to actually work hard to seduce her and finally get her to give him some. It was a bit harder now with a baby present. For one Amanda's one bedroom apartment gave them not much privacy and Amanda was determined not to give any mixed messages to Fay. If they weren't officially a couple neither would they be that in front of Fay. So with Fay in the crib in the bedroom he had to settle with the couch. Once he got to, well tap her, it was like opening a faucet though and then they used the kitchen table or floor or whatever was closest. However, she was first and foremost a mother these days though and he had to accept that. Whenever Fay made a sound, unless it was that cry that let Amanda knew she was just fuzzing and would go back to sleep if she didn't get any attention, she was able to just switch off and took off leaving Fin all hot and bothered on his own. He caught himself being jealous of a toddler but he'd forgive her as soon as he'd cooled off.
They got a few days off during Christmas and they spent most of them over at Amanda's place. They visited Teresa's as usual at Christmas Eve but the rest of the days it was just the three of them. After only a few days it was another night off as New Year's arrived. Fin came over to her place again and they enjoyed a simple dinner at home. As midnight approached they bundled themselves and a sleeping Fay up and headed for the roof to watch some fireworks. Fay hade ear protection on and slept through the whole thing in Fin's protective arms. As the fireworks really set off and they heard people on the street yelling Happy New Year Amanda got up on her toes and planted her lips on Fin's. He would have deepen the kiss if it weren't for the sleeping toddler in his arms but he settled with her arm around his waist and her head leaning against his arm as they kept watching the fireworks until the cold got to them and they went back downstairs.
A little bit later as they both lay down side by side in her bed not far from a snoozing Fay he asked her quietly if she'd made any new year's resolutions. She thought about it but then shook her head.
"I have a roof over my head, I have a job I love, a great partner and the best daughter I could wish for. My life is good, I don't need resolutions," she told him quietly.
Not even a month later though she would curse herself for saying it out loud. She should have known better. Her life would never be easy. She scolded herself for putting her guard down. In late January she would get a visit from Atlanta, and not the good kind…
XXX
Ohhh more drama on it's way. Guard yourselves.
This was a fun chapter to write. Became longer than intended cause it's so much fun to imagine what a Finanda kid would be like. We all know of course it has to be an extremely beautiful and remarkable kid ;)