Content

by MorbidPet17

A Finanda love story. It follows our favorite detective team Rollins and Tutuola as they go through the ups and downs of being partners with benefits so to speak. Trying to keep their relationship a secret is straining. They will encounter two major life crisis and a few hiccups along their way can they make it work?

19. Uncovered

Your wish is my command killerQueen32. No but seriously I appreciate you wanting more, I love to write this even if this 'passage' is somewhat hard cause it's emotional. And the chapters will be long, but I think u like that right? I don't want to cut the fluff and all that cause I think it's important for the story. I think so much is going on on the inside with both Fin and Amanda so it sorta needs to be there to not make them come through as flat or sometimes too harsh I guess.
Okay enough blabbering. Sit back, enjoy (I hope) and please review.

XXX

So it had been a good year. No a really good year. She couldn't remember a year that had gone by so smoothly. Not a single Kim incident, no major guilttrips originated from her mother. She had a precious daughter and she loved being her mother. She was back at work full force and being a mother just made her more passionate about the job she was doing. Having a child didn't hold her back, sure it was tiring at times and she worried about not spending enough time with her daughter but most of the time it was the most amazing thing. She couldn't imagine a life without Fay and it struck her at times what she'd done with her life before she existed.

And then there was the man in her life. Her constant partner and secret lover. Of course their relationship could be easier but the year had flown by and he'd been a part of what made it so awesome. He'd given her Fay of course which was such a huge gift. And even though he wasn't officially her dad out in public he did play the role well. He was there for both of them, helped out a lot but somehow managed to treat her just the same at work. Now that a year had passed and things seemed to settle a bit her mind had started spinning a bit though. Christmas and New Year's had been great with just the three of them. She wondered a little how it would be if they could have that all year around.

But her thoughts, her life, would get interrupted by late January. First there was a snowstorm from hell that knocked out electricity throughout the city. For two days she was snowed in with Fay which wasn't such a bad thing. Sure the apartment looked like a bomb had erupted in it but they had loads of fun causing the mess. Fay had gotten a hang of how a ball worked and the bedroom had been a soccer field for a while before they turned it into Wonderland with hand drawn large trees up on the walls. Fay was good with crayons and had colored the green into the crowns that Amanda drew. Food hadn't been a major problem even though it took some time to heat something over a candle. They'd managed to salvage some things from the freezer by placing them out on the fire escape. It had been an adventure for both of them.

What she didn't know was that the storm actually gave her a few more days of serenity. Her visitor from Atlanta had to postpone his trip a few days but it was inevitable. Second day back at work after the snowstorm her phone buzzed and she was surprised to see her former captain's name in the window. He did check in from time to time though but it had been a while now.

"Sam?" she asked as she stepped out on the curb to get some privacy from the crowd at the crime scene she was at. She pulled her jacket a little closer around her since it was very cold out there.
"Hey, how's my favorite New York detective?" came from the other side of the line and Amanda chuckled just a bit.
"Just fine cap. How are you doing?" she shot back.
"I'm okay. How's that precious daughter of yours?"
"My pride and joy. Up and sprinting by now," Amanda smiled proudly.
"Sprinting around the softball field soon I bet."
"If I have anything to do with it you bet cap," she smiled but when the line went silent she sensed something was up.

"You didn't just call me to ask about Fay did you?"
"Always the detective," she heard the strain in his voice.
"Is it Kim?"
"No, not your family," he reassured her.
"What's going on cap?"
"I'm flying in tomorrow Amanda. I was hoping to talk to you."
"About what?"
"I rather talk to you face to face. Will you have time for me?"
"Of course. No one died did they cap?"
"No. Oh no it's nothing like that," she could hear he was trying to lighten the conversation up but he didn't quite succeed. She saw Fin gesturing to her in the door.

"I'm at a crime scene Sam, I have to run. When tomorrow? You want me to come pick you up at the airport?"
"No, no need to. My flight should arrive at noon but I'll give you a call when I'm in your area. I'm in no hurry so I'll wait if you're out on a call. I'll be in town for 24 hours. Well I won't hold you. See you tomorrow Amanda." He hung up and she had a worry knot in her stomach when she walked up the stairs to where Fin was waiting.

"You okay?" he asked and she nodded quickly.
"Who was on the phone?"
"No one, what we got so far?" Amanda asked and walked by him so he'd drop the subject.

She went home alone that evening. She picked up her daughter, stopped by a fast food restaurant to pick up some dinner and then headed home. She tried to push away the concern she felt over the phone call earlier and the visit she was getting tomorrow. Her daughter was a great distractor. Amanda stayed by her daughter's side even after she'd fallen asleep. Watching her sleep always made her feel peaceful. Soon though she found herself worrying again about whatever it was her Atlanta captain wanted to talk to her about. If he was flying up just to talk to her it must be major she figured.

She felt on edge the entire day as she waited for Sam's phone call. She hid it well though and not even Fin seemed to notice. She had a light lunch in case Sam wanted to get something to eat later on. Sam called a couple of minutes past one and let her know he was nearby. Amanda and Fin had an interview coming in but when Fin was a way for a bit she asked Nick if he could cover for her. He of course said yes without asking any questions and Amanda sneaked out to meet Sam at a café near Central park. She spotted him at a table once she stepped inside. He lit up when he saw her and rose to give her a hug.

"Okay, show me a photo of the little one," he said as they sat down and Amanda picked up her phone. She handed him the phone as she found a recent photo.
"Oh precious. What a cutie," Sam smiled. He had a long look and then handed Amanda her phone back.
"I'm sorry I missed you the last time you were back home," Sam said. She tried to meet up with him when she was in town but he'd been to his wife's family over Thanksgiving, they lived a state away. It was a good thing though that he'd gone with his wife, hopefully meant things were better between the two.

"What did you want to talk about Sam?" Amanda couldn't wait for him to get to the point.
"Can we just order something first?" Sam asked as he picked up his menu from the table.
"Have you eaten?" he asked and she nodded since she didn't feel hungry any longer. A waitress approached. Sam looked to Amanda when the waitress asked what she could get them.
"A tall latte please" Amanda said and handed her back the menu.
"A plain coffee thanks," Sam said after that and handed his menu to the waitress too.

"Am I interrupting some beastly investigation of yours?" Amanda shook her head since she was more interesting in knowing why he was there than discuss the most recent crime.
"Do you run around here in the summertime?" he asked and she nodded.
"It's happen," she said very short.
"I don't do much running these days as you can probably tell," he smiled at her hinting at his increased hemline. The waitress came over with their beverages. They each had a taste.

"Okay so I can tell you're not interested in small talk," he said as he put down his cup. He still had that kind smile over his face though. Amanda felt a bit bad but she couldn't disguise her eagerness to know why he was here. And the fact that Sam seemed nervous didn't make her any less curious. He looked at her for a while and she tried to hide the turmoil that was going on inside of her. She wasn't sure she was successful though.

"It's Hall," he said and Amanda's worst fear came true. Suddenly the air in there seemed stuffy. She watched the waitress pass their table with another order for another table.
"He did it again. At a Christmas party," she heard him talk but she wasn't able to look at him as her eyes were frozen at a crack she'd found in the tile floor.
"She pressed charges, along with another woman. Internal affairs are looking into him. Sexual misconduct and sexual harassment so far but it's growing. IA are talking to everyone on the squad. They're talking to every female that ever worked with or around him. I asked them to let me talk to you," he took a break when he saw her shake her head. Him coming there to talk to her himself wouldn't look good to the IA. That would surely have made them suspicious.

"I haven't told them anything Amanda," Sam said when she finally looked at him again.
"You coming here told them enough Sam and you know it," she tried to bite down the sickness that was luring down her throat. If that wasn't enough she felt tears burning behind her eyes. She looked away again, tried to find something peaceful to rest her eyes on but couldn't find a single thing that worked right now.

"He's going down Amanda. Another two women stepped forward this week. He won't be able to hide behind his dad this time. We can finally make him pay for what he," Sam stopped mid-sentence when she abruptly turned her head to him. She shook her head again.
"Amanda I," again she cut him off.
"No. No Sam. I don't need him to pay for whatever happen. It's in the past, I need it to be in the past," she tried to keep her voice from trembling.

"You can't keep it in the past any longer Amanda. IA wants to talk to you."
"You can tell them you cleared me. You can bend the truth, it's not like you haven't done it before," she challenged him. She had to look away though when he held her eyes stern. She felt bad for trying to use that against him. She knew Sam always tried to do what was best for her and she'd been unfair to try and use that against him now. It was just that she felt so threaten she didn't know how to handle herself right now. Sam gave her time to collect herself.

"I know I handled the situation wrong back then Amanda. I feel guilty. For you. For the women that came after that I could've saved from him. I want to make it right," he said after a while.
"Well I'm sorry but you have to live with it cause I'm not talking to anyone about whatever happen back then," she couldn't meet his eyes so she kept her head turned away from him.
"He assaulted you. That's what happen back then Amanda," he kept talking even though she looked at him. She couldn't believe he just said that out loud. She looked around to see if anyone had overheard him.
"He would have raped you if..." he got cut off as Amanda stood up so quickly her chair fell over. The waitress by the counter immediately looked over at them. Amanda got her jacket up of the floor and walked away from him towards the door. Sam hurried to get his wallet up, put a twenty on the table and hurried after her.

"Amanda?" he called after her as he got his jacket on. She was quick. Had managed to cross the street and headed into Central Park. He had to run to catch up to her. He tried to grab her arm to get her to stop.
"Don't," her hand shot up in a defensive pose as she stopped and backed away from him. She didn't try and run away from him again though. He put his hands in his pockets in a way that made him look shameful but it could have been the chilly air.

"I'm sorry Amanda," he said quietly. Again she was unable to face him and she took a step to the side so she wouldn't have to face him straight on. She wanted to be anywhere but here right now. She shook her head as she wanted to pretend this wasn't happening. Not right now. Not when life where on track again.
"I understand this isn't easy for you. And I'm sorry to have to spring this on you but I just couldn't let the IA approach you before I had the chance."
"I know Sam. I really do know you come from a good place but I just can't do this right now," she said without looking at him.
"There's never a right time to do this Amanda but you can't let him get away a second time."
"I can't lose my job Sam. And we both know we can be in deep shit for not reporting it back then."

"I'll be in the shit Amanda. It was my job to report it when it came to my knowledge. I didn't do my job properly and I'll make damn sure they know that it was my wrong doing. They won't come after you, I'm sure of it. They're even looking into his father. This is going to hit the fan. If only half of the rumors are true he's going down hard. They're focusing on him, they won't come after the victims."
"Don't call me that. I'm not a victim. I'll never be a victim," she looked briefly at him. He stayed quiet, wasn't sure how to proceed. She watched a young child all bundled up, not much older than Fay, run across the path they were on. Not long after a man, hopefully the child's father came chasing after. She thought of Fin. She couldn't bear the thought of him finding out.

"Will there be a trial?" she asked even though she knew the answer.
"He's fighting the charges of course so most likely. But if there's enough of you, if you join forces against him, he might give up before hand," Sam tried to convince her. Tried to use the other women too, to make her feel obligated to stand up together with them. But she couldn't think about the other women right now. All she thought about was sitting in a courtroom telling everyone about what happen that night and all those slurs she had to put up with before that. It would most likely not just be news in Atlanta. Hall's father was a former chief of police. The news of his son being accused of assault and god knows what else would surely spread, might even reach NYPD if they caught wind one of them would witness against Hall. And her parents. They would surely know or someone would tell them. No she could not go through that. Sam could see doubt taking over. He didn't want to approach her so instead tried stepping around so he could look her in the eye.

"I will be there every step of the way Amanda," he said with as much sincerity as he could and he did mean it. He saw a slight tremble on her lower lip and he knew she was close to a breaking point.
"I can't," she said quickly and turned: "I'm sorry," he heard as she walked away from him. Sam took a few steps after her but she jumped over a low rail and close to ran over the snow covered grass to get away from him. He knew it would be foolish to try and catch up to her.

Amanda felt winded once she finally reached a gate out of the park. She stepped to the side and put her back to the brick wall so she could catch her breath. The air was so cold it hurt as it went down her windpipe, she felt as though she was suffocating a little. She watched people walk by her and it seemed as though they looked at her weirdly. 'Get a grip Amanda' she told herself. When she was sure Sam wouldn't come running after her she made her way down the street. She got back to the station as fast as she could. Fin got up from his desk as he saw her come rushing in.

"Where did you go?" he asked and looked almost angry.
"I had to meet someone," she said before she could think her answer over and she scolded herself silently because of course he would want to know who.
"Who?" Fin obviously asked but Amanda ignored him.
"Did you get anything in the interview?" she asked instead and picked up a letter that had arrived in her inbox. When Fin didn't answer she gave him a brief look. He had locked her down with a stern look as he tried to figure out what was going on. She'd left without saying a word to him and now she'd came in almost an hour later all flushed and out of breath.

"Did you? Get anything out of him?" she asked again and totally ignored the question hanging in the air.
"Yeah. We got a name. I called you," he said and she knew he had called. Twice on her way to the station had she seen his name in the window but she hadn't picked up.
"We need to go bring the new name in. Where were you?" Fin sounded a bit frustrated.
"Why couldn't you take Nick and go?" Amanda asked as she put the letter back in her mailbox. It had only been an invitation to a seminar and she could deal with that later.

"What?" she asked once she met his eyes and he still had that stern look at her.
"Cause he had to go down with some papers to Liv and Cragen at the courthouse," Fin said very slowly as to make an obvious point.

"Well okay let's go then," she said and started walking back out again. Fin was clueless and he hated it. He still followed though and they took his car over to the new witness address. They got the guy and brought him back to the station. Nick was back when they got back in. He informed them Liv and Cragen was still with Barba and would probably be so for the rest of the day. Amanda felt a sense of relief. She had been worried Sam had called Cragen about his visit but now she figured she'd made a bigger deal out of it then it was. This would blow over she thought to herself and went into the interview room with Fin to question the new witness. She managed to push everything to the side and focus on the case and the new witness. It looked like this new witness was more involved than they could have hoped for and Fin figured they should hold him for the night. Their shift was coming to a close and Nick said goodbye first. Amanda was putting down the final notes on the latest witness statement when Fin came back up from holding. She'd been able to push the meeting with Sam away but she felt it creeping up on her again. She started to feel anxious as was willing to do anything to make that feeling go away.

"Can we go home?" Amanda asked as he walked up to her desk. He had a look around to make sure no one was near.
"My place?" he asked and she nodded. He gave her a nod and they headed out. They each took their own cars. Amanda called Nellie, the college student that picked Fay up from daycare and stayed with her until Amanda got home and told her she was running a little late. Fin drove down into his garage while Amanda parked outside his house. She beat him up there and was waiting impatiently by his door. She felt odd. Ambivalent. She both wanted to be there and not be there. Right now she just wanted him to get up there and let her inside. She felt exposed out there in the hallway.

"What took you so long?" she asked once she finally saw him coming round the corner further down the hall.
"I helped mrs Johnson with her grocery. Why didn't you use your keys?" he said with his hands out as he walked towards her.
"Cause I don't have them on me du'h," she said with a little more bite than she attended and it earned her a look as he was unlocking his door. He pushed the door open and held out his hand to let her inside.
"Ms Impatient," he said but she ignored him and stepped inside.

"You want something to drink?" he asked.
"No, get in here," she said and hurried into his bedroom. Usually he was the one in a hurry but he wouldn't complain. When he got in there he found she'd already gotten her boots off and she was just pulling her shirt over her head.

"So where were you earlier today?" he asked as he kicked his shoes off by the door.
"Okay if you want to talk I'll get out of here and call you later," she said as she turned to him and she sounded annoyed. He gave her a look.
"I need to get home to Fay. So I'm just saying if you're not up for this," she gestured to the bed.
"Okay what's up with you today?" Fin said and looked at her seriously.
"Okay I'm out of here," she said and picked up her shirt that she'd dropped by her feet. Fin grabbed a hold of her as she tried to pass him.

"Calm down," he said and rubbed his hand up and down her arm. He watched her take a deep breath.
"Don't go," he said with a lower voice, "You know I'm up for it." He mimicked her earlier use of the words and he winked at her.
"Then show me," she said, dropped her shirt and started working on his belt. He got a wicked smile on his face.
"Down girl," he joked. He let his hands run down her arms and he got to her belt.

They were usually quick. Not much for foreplay and today was no different. He picked up on something in her behavior though that seemed off. He'd seen her eager and overly excited but today it didn't seem genuine, she felt fake but he couldn't quite put his finger on why he felt this way. It was out of his character to overanalyze and usually his strong desire for her made him think only of ravaging her as quickly as possible. Today though once they gotten each other's clothes off and fell down on the bed both breathing heavily he just felt like he needed to handle her with care. But what he thought she needed would turn out to be nothing what she asked for.

"Pin me down," she panted close to his ear. Fin hesitated but then she told him again and he grabbed her wrists and pushed them down into the bed. First just loosely but then harder as she asked for it. He was used to being the one in charge in bed but it was nice to change it up sometimes. All the mixed emotions in the room didn't stop him from pushing himself inside her and when she asked him for harder he wasn't late to obey. All that worry about comfort and her being fragile was swept away as she asked for even harder and he got lost in frenzy. He came too soon but didn't forget about her.

He was still out of breath as he put his hand to her. He put his free arm around her, used his body to hold her down and his legs to spread hers open. Her usual way was to try and escape as she came near orgasm. It was like she felt overwhelmed and she could lunge out at him when she was coming close. Though her body was weak at that point, her fists didn't do much harm and her tries would mostly just egg him on even more. He'd come across this behavior in the past so it didn't feel strange to him. In the beginning though he'd been careful just to make sure it was what she really wanted. He'd been with one woman who never wanted to climax, that he had thought odd but accepted it. By now though he knew Amanda wanted to come and tonight she seemed to need it badly. Her nails were digging into his back. Her mouth was right by his ear and he heard her panting harder and harder. He moved his hand over her, inside of her and coordinated his speed to the sound of her voice. She needed extra work tonight and he started to wonder what he was doing wrong when he finally heard that familiar sound of her losing her breath.

He knew she was close and when he felt her use her feet to the bed to try and push herself up and away from him he held her down even harder. Her hands dug into the sheet. She took a deep breath and arched her back underneath him. The familiar low pleasure filled groan that came up her throat made him feel good. He worked her hard and not long after he felt her whole body explode in compulsions. He kept working her but eased up on the restraints so she'd have room to react. She was panting heavily and then bit down into his shoulder, just hard enough for both of them. She lasted for several minutes which told him she must have been carrying a lot that needed to be released tonight. He removed his hand and let it caress her stomach gently as he rolled off her slightly. He felt the scar underneath his fingertips and traced it. He kissed her neck and worked his way up to her mouth. Her eyes were still shut but he could see on her eyelashes that they were damp as though she had tears in her eyes. Her breathing was still coming down and he let her have her mouth back so she would get enough air.

"You okay?" he whispered as he kissed her temple and felt the taste of salt in his mouth. Tears often escaped her eyes during sex so it didn't set him off that much but it was just that he now remembered how tonight's exercise had started. She was quick to nod but kept her eyes closed. He rolled off her completely and let his hand move up over her breast. He caressed it slowly but then she rolled towards him, pulled her arms in front of her chest and buried her face by his neck. He figured it might have something to do with how she still wasn't that comfortable about exposing her scars to him. He laid his head down on the bed, pulled her in closer and let his palm rest against her bare back as he felt her breathing slow down further.

"You sure you're okay?" he asked again after a while. There was a pause but then he felt her nod against him. He let his hand go up and down her back. He liked the feel of her soft skin under his fingertips and at the same time he could make sure her body was relaxed. He felt her featherkiss his collarbone.
"I need to get home to Fay," he heard her whisper and she started to move herself down to the edge of the bed. She kept her hands over her chest which to him looked a bit protective but again it could have something to do with her scars and the exposure. He felt like saying he wished she could stay a while but he knew it wasn't the type of relationship they had nor that it was fair to make her perhaps feel guilty because she had to go home to their daughter. He watched as she got her clothes back on in the order she found them on the floor. He noticed she never really turned her head fully towards him. He got bits and pieces but never the entire face.

"Call me later?" he suggested.
"I… Maybe," she seemed to have been going somewhere but then changed her mind and settled with a maybe.
"Say hi to Fay from me," he said as he stretched out a bit on the bed.
"I will. Bye," she got out of his bedroom rather quickly. There was certainly something going on with her and he kept wondering if it had something to do with her absents earlier today.

She felt oddly blank as she walked out of his apartment. After today's visit she'd been in need of a distraction. Something that took her mind of the nagging worry Sam wouldn't drop the subject so easily. Their new case had forced her to keep focus for the rest of the day but as the shift ended she feared going home alone, not diminishing Fay but she'd felt in need of some Fin therapy. He'd been easily persuaded just as usual. The ambivalence as she waited for him in the hallway felt weird though. She'd felt unsure what she wanted and then moved on to just wanting to get it out of the way. Not usually what she felt when she was with Fin. And then he'd suddenly wanted to talk. When did he ever want to talk? She had taken charge to get him going but also to feel like she had control. She'd felt a need to just get dominated and she'd asked him to pin her down and to go harder. It felt okay since she still felt like she was the one in control as she asked for it.

But there was a nagging worry down deep that told her she wanted to lose control. She wanted him, wanted Fin, to hurt her and it was such a shameful feeling. What type of woman wanted to get hurt? Only bad women right. Women who flirted with co-workers, who flaunted themselves to their supervisors. She pushed that last voice out of her head since it wasn't her own. It had felt good having Fin pound her up to the point of pain and then the release he gave her. It had truly felt like a vent opening. She'd needed that. But then as it was over that worry down deep had crept back up. She knew it was Fin's hand on her stomach and then over her breast. But it had felt like someone else's hand and it scared her. She couldn't let that man come in-between the two of them. She'd turned, looked for shelter next to him, smell him. She was safe with him. Nothing or no one would dare change that.

Thoughts took over and she knew she needed a new distracter. She needed to get home to her daughter. She'd tried to get out of there as fast as possible. During the drive home she blasted the latest Rihanna cd in the car stereo and tried to focus on the music and the traffic outside. It felt good once she finally drove down into her garage. The familiar grey walls in the garage, the familiar elevator upstairs and the familiar walk up to her door. It felt good to put the keys in the door and then the sound of someone waiting inside. It didn't take long until her daughter came tumbling over the floor to greet her. Mama was still the only clear word she spoke but it was the only one Amanda needed right now. She picked up her daughter in her arms and hugged her silly.

"My sweet Fay Fay. How was your day today?" she smiled as she let go of the child a little so she could see her face. Fay nodded with the biggest, brightest smile Amanda knew. Fay put her lips on her mama's and then squeezed her neck again. Amanda stroked her daughter's hair as she went inside.
"Hi Nellie, so sorry I had to keep you," Amanda said as she spotted her lifesaver on her living room floor surrounded by paper and crayons and what else.
"No problem Amanda, we've been drawing," Nellie said with a smile and held out her hands to the art scattered around the floor. Amanda nodded with a smile.
"I can see that," she said as she sat down. Fay sneaked down back on the floor and picked up a crayon.

"Pick up went well?" Amanda asked as she looked at the colorful papers and Nellie nodded.
"No problem. They had pasta and meatballs for lunch. They'd been to the park. She climbed that play set in the park again, you know the one with the big slide. They caught her in time though," Nellie briefed Amanda about the day as she usually did. Fay was their breakout queen and she'd started climbing a lot just this past month or two. It wasn't really a problem, Amanda was happy she was advanced and didn't seem scared of heights and obstacles, but it could be dangerous. Amanda had talked to the personnel at daycare about this and they'd suggested perhaps enrolling Fay in some gymnastics or something that got her extra energy out.

"So pickup as usual tomorrow?" Nellie asked as she got up off the floor.
"Yes. And I'll do my best to be home in time," Amanda said apologetic.
"There's really no problem Amanda. She's truly the most adorable kid I've ever taken care of," Nellie said with a sincere smile on her face. Amanda had struck gold when she found Nellie. She lived just down the street. Amanda had talked to her parents who seemed just as nice, and Fin could vouch that the entire family was clean. He had checked their records.

"Fay, come say good night to Nellie," Amanda called out and it didn't take long until Fay came strolling. She managed to grab Nellie around her leg before she could hunch down all the way. It sounded like Fay said something like good night but who could really tell.
"Bye precious, I'll see you tomorrow okay. You sleep well tonight you hear," Nellie said and ruffed up her hair.
"Thanks Nellie, see you tomorrow," Amanda said as Fay tumbled by and Nellie turned to the door. Nellie shot her one last smile and then she was out the door. Amanda put the chain on the door, made sure it was securely done and then walked back inside. She found Fay down by all the crayons and papers again.

"What you drawing there kid," she asked and sat back down. Fay got up and went over to sit in her mom's lap instead. Amanda grabbed a crayon and drew a stick figure on a paper. Fay giggled at it and then attempted to draw clothes on it. At least Amanda thought so but Fay could just have found it very ugly and was trying to cover it up with color.
"Hey look at this," Amanda said and put down her hand on a new piece of paper. She traced her hand with the crayon and then lifted her hand. Fay picked up the paper and had a closer look at it. She turned to her mom and said something.
"Yes, I think so too," Amanda smiled. Fay put up her own hand against her mother's drawn one.
"Let's do one of yours," Amanda said and found a piece of paper with just some doodling in the corner on it. She had to help Fay hold her hand down and then hurried to trace it before she moved it.
"Ah look at the two of us," Amanda said and put the hands next to each other.
"Let's put our names down okay," Amanda grabbed a black crayon and texted their names near their hands and then the dates.
"Okay this is refrigerator art for sure," she smiled and kissed her daughter's head. They kept drawing for a while but then she knew she had to fix some food even if she wasn't hungry at all. Fay had already eaten with Nellie so she would be dining alone which wasn't that tempting either.

"I'm going to fix me some dinner okay. Something yummy for my tummy," she said and got off the floor.
"Num num," her daughter said and Amanda nodded.
"Yes num num yummy," she smiled as her daughter looked up at her.
"I'll be in the kitchen okay," she waved as she walked over into the kitchen. That was the good thing about having a small apartment, she could basically have eyes on the kid wherever she was. But she figured she needed to get a new place soon so they could have separate bedrooms. She'd read it was important for the kid's independence and even though Fay had never shown any signs of separation anxiety from her mom Amanda knew it was time. It just felt as such a huge project. But maybe now it was time for a change in their life.

She made herself a light dinner that she ate on her bed as she watched Fay play with her large collection of stuffed unicorns. She got to pretend feed one of them. After dinner they took a bubble bath together and then it was bedtime. The usual procedure was a bedtime story in Amanda's bed. Fay loved stories. It was basically the only thing that could keep her still. Sure she loved drawing but she sorta drew with her entire body so she wasn't really still then either. They had gone through every book her age group now and moved on to stories more suitable to older kids according to the labels. Amanda did pg them though, changed some words and changed the story at times. But Fay loved the colorful drawings and seemed to be able to point out various animals and people in the images as Amanda asked her to. This particular night they read a story about a boy who found a dragon that he brought home. Fay had her blanket twisted around her hand and thumb in her mouth where she laid tucked up to her mother.

"So you see the dragon? Can you point the dragon out?" she asked and Fay put her free hand spot on the dragon.
"Good girl. A green dragon. The green dragon named Theodore," Amanda tried some advanced learning as she read. It could never hurt she figured. Fay said something with her thumb still in place but even without it Amanda could probably not understand her.
"Yes Theodore," she still said and just hoped she was right.

Fay soon snoozed on her mother's arm and Amanda carefully carried her over to her crib. She still slept in her crib but Fin had helped her remove one side of it since Fay now climbed over everything. She let the lamp on the bed stand stay on and then tip toed out of there. She put the TV on to drown out some of the silence, made herself a cup of hot tea and then sat down on the coach. She couldn't find anything to watch and ended up watching a rerun of a basketball game. She finished her tea and then snuggled up with a pillow. She tried focusing on the game but her head kept on spinning. She started worrying about what Sam was thinking and what he would say to internal affairs. She decided it was no point and turned the TV off. She went around the apartment and turned off all the lights. She brushed her teeth out in the bedroom so she could watch her daughter sleep at the same time. This precious little thing that made her every day worth living.

She told herself everything would work out fine. Tomorrow things would be back to normal. She managed to dive into the book her book circle was reading right now. She'd just started attending again this year after a two years absence because of the shooting and then the pregnancy. She'd been able to bring Fay and it had gone rather well. Amanda had kept her busy on the floor by her feet with paper and crayons. She'd gotten a bit fussy after the break, wanting to be in her mother's arms but not been able to relax there. The second time had gone better though since Fay had basically slept through the whole thing. Amanda would see how it played out, she didn't really want to spend any more time away from her daughter than she already did. She had to choose what extracurricular was most important to her. Book circle or Fin. The choice was rather obvious to her. Amanda finished the book and then managed to fall to sleep before any worrying thoughts crept back inside her head.

The next morning started like any other. Her alarm clock woke her up. She stroked her daughter's back a little to get her to start to wake up. The kid was like her father, a slow starter. Amanda did her business in the bathroom meanwhile and as she got out most of the time Fay had made her way over to her mother's bed to get a cuddle before the day had to start. Today though she'd only managed to crawl half way there and was scattered on the floor with her blanky attached to her hand. Amanda chuckled as she bent down by her side.

"Fay Fay," she whispered as she again stroked her back gently. The little creature stirred and soon came climbing up into her mother's arms.
"Good morning Fay Fay to this chilly February morning in New York city," it was her usual morning great. She'd checked the temperature outside and it was even a little chillier today than yesterday. She headed to the bathroom with Fay to give her a quick shower and get her into a fresh diaper. Amanda then fixed them breakfast and as she heard her daughter hum at the table she knew she was waking up properly. By the time breakfast was on the table Fay was singing some song only she knew and Amanda touched her cheek in a loving way.

"My ray of sunshine all year around," she smiled at her. She had to help her daughter finish breakfast and then they went back to the bathroom to brush their teeth with the latest toothbrush Fay's grandmother had sent. As they were in there Amanda's phone rang and put her daughter on the floor with her toothbrush so she could fetch her phone in the bedroom. She saw Fin's name in the window and answered as she headed back into the bathroom to keep on with the task at hand.

"Morning," Amanda answered as she hunched down by her daughter's side.
"Yeah. Whatcha doin?" he asked, sounding tired as usual at this time of morning.
"Hold on," she said and touched the screen a few times. She held up the phone to her daughter and said: "Smile." Amanda chuckled as she touched the screen. She hit 'share' and then sent the photo to Fin's phone. She put the phone back to her ear and put the toothbrush back in her daughter's mouth. She heard Fin check his phone and once she heard the chuckle she knew he'd gotten it.

"That's a jaw of well brushed teeth," he said and sounded more awake than a few seconds ago.
"They certainly are," she said as she made a face to her daughter. Fay giggled and then Amanda helped her up on the toilet bowl so she could spit out whatever of the paste that hadn't gone down her daughter's stomach already.
"What's up?" Amanda asked meanwhile.
"Janos came home last night apparently," he was a suspect in the case they were working right now.
"Yeah?"
"Yepp. Late so he's hopefully soundly asleep in his bed right now. You wanna bring him in?" Fin asked.
"Sure. We're almost ready here so give me…" she got interrupted.
"I can come pick you up. Say hi to Fay," Fin suggested. He hadn't seen the little rugrat for a couple of days now because of the snowstorm.
"Sure. Outside the daycare then? In twenty?"
"See you there," he'd hung up before she could say anything more.

"Yay Fin is coming," Amanda sung to her daughter who recognized his name and got some extra spark to her eyes.
"How's the mouth? Need to flush more?" Amanda asked and opened her mouth to her daughter. That only made Fay copy her and soon they were both sticking their tongues out at each other. Amanda laughed and carried her daughter out of there.

"Okay, let's get dressed and go meet Fin then," she said and got the two over to the door. It took a while to get Fay dressed and then of course Amanda had to make at least two rounds back inside, first to get her phone that she left in the bathroom and then to get Fay's blanket. Fay needed the blanket at naptime so they stuck it down her backpack and then got going. All bundled up it took a little longer to walk even the three short blocks so Amanda got the simple buggy out from underneath the stairs at the ground floor and hope the snow would be off the sidewalks by now. Fay of course didn't want to start in the buggy though but wanted to help open the door and then get down the stone stairs all on her own. Amanda patiently waited as her daughter made it down the stairs and then it was the usual check for any dog walkers.

Fay loved animals and wanted to pet every dog she came across. No dogs in sight this morning though and they could start heading down the street. Even though Fay was very independent and wanted to do things on her own she also loved being carried around. And she often got bothered by big, and in her eyes, unnecessary clothes that hinder her movement so soon she let Amanda pick her up. She did not want to sit in the buggy though and Amanda didn't have the time or wanted to fight that battle this morning. She spotted Fin's car as they got around the corner and then she saw Fin himself leaned against the fence to the daycare center.

"Who's that?" Amanda asked her daughter and got her to look forward. It took a while but then she spotted him and let out some kind of happy sound. Amanda put her down and chuckled as she saw how she tried to sprint but with the overalls it didn't go that well. Fin had spotted them and took a few steps out on the curb. Fay made her way over to him in a slow but steady pace. Amanda wasn't far behind and she felt a thug in her heart as she saw how Fin's face brighten with every step his daughter took towards him. Fin had squatted down and held out his hands as she was getting close.

"Common, you can do it. You go girl," he said encouraging and it didn't take too long until the ecstatic girl threw herself in his extended arms. Fin got up with the girl in his arms and Amanda chuckled as the two gave each other knuckles. Fin then extended his hand and just very endearing touched Amanda's cheek. It wasn't often he touched her in public, more than the usual friendly pat on the shoulder that is. But every little thing like that made Amanda's heart skip a beat. They both took her inside and Fin got her out of all the clothes while Amanda parked the buggy by the door. She hung Fay's backpack at her spot at the rack and then followed Fin and Fay inside. They were greeted by the supervisor of the daycare center and then the one in charge of the group Fay belonged too came walking into the room and said morning too.

Amanda wondered sometimes what they all thought about her and Fin since he came with them from time to time. Everyone there knew Fay's father wasn't in the picture and it wasn't such a big deal these days. But to Amanda it was so obvious Fin was Fay's father, they had some similar facial expressions. And then there was the afro that gave away Amanda had copulated with someone of another race. So Amanda wondered sometimes if they'd talked about that during their coffee breaks and all. But she always ended up with the notion they probably had more interesting or important things to think about. Fay didn't want to let go of Fin's hand first so he followed her further in.

"Blanky's in her backpack," Amanda informed Fay's teacher while Fin got Fay situated at a table where some other kids were playing with legos. She was soon distracted by putting pieces together so Fin kissed her on her head and walked back to Amanda and the teacher.
"You or Nellie picking her up later on?" the teacher asked.
"Most probably Nellie," Amanda informed her and then they said their goodbyes.

They jumped in the car, Fin drove back over into Manhattan and then into Harlem where Janos lived. Fin had gotten a patrol car to escort them in case they ran into trouble and it was already waiting for them a block away as they got there. They drove up to his building but didn't even get half way up the walkway when one of the officers called out 'runner'. The officer started running around the house and Amanda was fast on his trail. Fin felt like calling Amanda back but knew he had to let her run her course. Fin turned back to the car instead. The other officer was faster to get back to the patrol car and took off before Fin. Fin speeded up to him quickly though once he got behind the wheel. They've heard the officer shout out over the radio that the suspect was going down an alley. Soon though they heard shots ring out and Fin got a knot in his stomach. Two shots rang quickly after one and another and then a third.

He could only listen in as the officer in the other car called for a status report over the intercom. First nothing but then the static just before someone spoke. It was the other officer. He let his partner, and Fin, know the suspect had fired twice and that he had answered with a single shot. The officer told them he was graced by one of the bullets, no need for a bus though and that detective Rollins had continued the chase on her own.

"Shot," Fin growled as he heard the officer give his location so his partner could pick him up. He knew she had to do it but he didn't have to be happy about it. Fin drove straight as the officer took a right. He took the next right and speeded down the street. This was a rough neighborhood and it was still sleeping at this early hour. Fin heard another shot and aimed for it. He passed a few people who still walked around as nothing had happen all though four shots had been fired now. He used his intercom to contact the patrol car and asked if they saw anything. 'That's a negative' came the answer and Fin squeezed the wheel a little tighter. Then his phone rang, he saw Amanda's name in the window and answered immediately.

"Yeah?" he asked with worry in his voice.
"I lost him," she panted on the other side of the phone.
"Okay. Are you safe?" he had eased up on the gas and almost came to a stop by the side of the road.
"I'm fine, not sure where I am though," she was still out of breath.

"Find a road sign, I'll let the officers know while you find one," he got the officer over the intercom and they decided they would head to the hospital to check out his partner's wound as Fin stayed to locate Amanda. Janos would have a warrant out for his arrest very soon, he was clearly running from something. Amanda finally found a road sign and it didn't take long until Fin drove up. She seemed to have caught her breath by now but still looked pleased when she could finally sit down in the passenger seat.

"You okay?" Fin asked as he noticed blood on her hand. She turned her palm up and he could see a cut.
"Yeah I just had to dive down that last time he fired and I grabbed the rim of this barrel," she explained. Fin leaned back and got the first aid kit out from underneath his seat.
"I'm fine really," she said. He still got an antiseptic towel up and handed it to her. She sighed and wiped it over her hand. It was still bleeding and he grabbed her hand to have a closer look.
"I'm fine Mr Nurse, stop fuzzing," she said and pulled her hand back.

"You sure you don't want to go to the hospital. Might need stitches," he said but she shook him off.
"No more stitches," she smiled: "Just give me something so I don't stain your car." He handed her some dry wipes and then helped her get some tape around her entire hand to hold them in place.
"That'll work," she smiled and helped him put away the first aid kit. They drove back to the station under mostly silence. At one point he reached over and touched her cheek again just like he'd done this morning. Twice in one day. She wondered what she'd done to deserve that but didn't say anything as she liked it. They were small talking as they got up to their floor at the station and Nick and Liv greeted them once they stepped inside the gates.

"Already got shot at I heard," Nick joked.
"Well you know some of us are out there doing the dirty work clean boy," Fin shot back as he headed over to his desk. He did a whip motion in the air though so Nick knew he was joking.

"Amanda?" She heard her name got called out and immediately looked up towards her captain's office as she recognized the voice. She felt a chill though as she saw the back of the guest in his office. She knew who that was. Captain waved her over with his hand. His face looked stern as it did when he was troubled. Her feet felt planted but she knew she had to go in there. She felt Nick's eyes follow her as she slowly went over there. It felt like she was being called to the principal office in school. Dreadful. Fin had missed her being called over as he hung up his jacket and got his computer started but he saw her walk over there. Fin turned his eyes to Nick who'd gone from watching Amanda to now watching Fin.

"What's up?" Fin asked.
"Her former captain is in there," Nick informed him. Sam and Cragen had already been in his office once Nick and Liv got in this morning. Liv was a little curious about whoever it was Cragen had in his office and Nick had been able to inform her since he'd run into Sam at the pub two years ago. They were both curious though what he was doing here now.

Amanda dragged her feet over to Cragen's office. Her head was racing but nothing solid formed as she tried to think of what she should say, how to get out of this situation. Cragen let her pass and then closed the door behind them. Amanda walked up to the chair next to Sam but didn't have a seat and didn't look at him. Cragen went around his desk and asked her to sit down. She remained standing though but Cragen asked her again and then they both sat down. Amanda hadn't even had time to get her jacket off which now felt good because it felt a bit like the padded jacket gave her some protection to what she knew was coming. She could see Sam turning towards her over on his chair and she braced herself.

"I called Don yesterday after we'd talked. We had dinner last night and I told him about the charges that have been made against deputy chief Shane Hall of Atlanta PD," she could tell his voice was strained. She held her head straight forward and even though she didn't look completely at her present captain she could see his eyes shifting from her to Sam and then back on her again. She tried her best to keep a straight face.

"I told Don that IA wants to talk to you but when we spoke yesterday you didn't seem that keen to do so." Amanda felt like giving him a 'ha' but instead took a deep breath. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Sam move out even further on his chair.
"Amanda, I…" he was hesitating and she turned her head to him.
"You what?" she said with an icy voice. He looked at her with such sadness in those kind blue eyes she almost had to look away but she managed to hold her stare. She knew she had to somehow scare him out of here, make him stop talking until he'd said too much if he hadn't already.

"What I didn't have time to tell you yesterday was that I'm sitting down with IA tomorrow for my disposition. I wanted to talk to you before that. Make sure you were okay with me…" again he hesitating.
"With you what?" she said with a raised voice as she stood up cause she felt the need to get some more distance to him. Cragen immediately stood up but still didn't say anything.
"You finally doing your job captain?" she wasn't sure where that came from but it felt honest. Like she somewhere in the back held him a little bit responsible for what had happen. It seemed to have hit just right cause he looked hurt.

"Well I'm sorry about that," she couldn't stop her voice from going higher: "I'm not going back there. I moved on. I'm sorry if you haven't been able to. You can say whatever you feel like saying but I ain't talking to them. I have nothing to say." She could see Cragen coming around the desk and it made her feel panicky. She backed up towards the door and when Cragen took yet another step towards her she rushed out. She didn't look at anyone just rushed through the squad room and out the gates. Cragen walked after her all the way to his door. The detectives out there had heard Amanda's raised voice and couldn't help throwing curios looks at the commotion. Fin had gotten up off his chair and taken a few steps into the middle of the room. Cragen looked over at him and gave him a gesture with his head as to tell him to go after Amanda. Fin hurried back to get his jacket and then made his way out the gate as fast as he could.

"Okay back to work. Nothing to see here," Cragen told the others as he walked back inside. Nick and Liv gave each other a stare before they looked back down as told.

Fin could see the elevator was still there so Amanda must have taken the stairs. As he got into the staircase he heard the door at the bottom open. He yelled out her name but it only echoed against the walls. He hustled down the stairs as fast as he'd moved in a long time. He got out into the busy reception desk area and hurried outside. He thankfully spotted her across the parking lot and took two steps at the time down the stairs. Whenever he had to run he usually growled a bit but right now all he wanted was to catch up to her.

"Hey Amanda," he tried calling after her but she just kept walking.
"Okay where are you going?" he asked once he caught up to her.
"I don't know," she said and didn't sound at all as winded as Fin did.

"Okay then let's take my car there," he suggested. She kept her head forward which made it hard for him to analyze her, what state she was in.
"Don't want to take your car," she simply said.
"Okay then let's just stop and talk," he suggested next.
"Don't want to talk," again a simple and direct answer.
"Okay, then I guess we're walking then," he said with evident disappointment and just followed her.

For twenty minutes they just walked. Fin kept an eye on his wrist watch. She kept taking the easy route, never having to stop for a red light and she avoided crowds. She seemed to hold it together though. She took one wrong turn and ended up in a dead end. She was forced to turn and Fin tried his best to catch her eyes. Even stepping in front of her but she just maneuvered around him and kept going. Another ten minutes went by and Fin was getting too warm for his comfort but he wouldn't interfere. He would just be there once she finally stopped. Hoping she would let him in, tell him what was going on because he couldn't figure it out. Her raising her voice in front of the captain was very unusual. He knew she respected him highly even before he helped her through and past those gambling issues. And her former captain had been in there too.

He didn't know who she'd raised her voice to. All he'd heard was something with 'I'm sorry' and 'I have nothing to say'. He couldn't for his life figure out what that could be about. But she was clearly agitated. Upset. So half an hour later they'd reached some building area and again Amanda hit a dead end. Again Fin tried to catch her eye by stepping in front of her as she had to face him. Last time her face had look freakish blank but now he thought he saw a crack in her tuff demeanor and he followed her once she tried to walk around him and they ended up face to face yet again. She seemed bothered by him but not to the point 'I'll shoot you if you get in my way'. A third side-step and he followed. She seemed to give up in a way and threw out her hands in the air.

"What do you want Fin?" she asked but avoided looking straight at him.
"I want you to tell me what's going on," he said sincerely.
"There's nothing to tell Fin," she said as she crossed her arms in front of her in that typical defensive pose most people who felt threaten ended up in.
"I think there is," he simply said. She shook her head but he still waited for an answer.

"Talk to me Amanda," he said as he'd given her enough time to speak. She suddenly looked up at him and he could see some sparks behind her eyes.
"Now you wanna talk?" she spat out and he could tell he'd sparked something buried deep inside her.
"So now you want to talk? About what Fin? Life's mysteries? How to best fuck your partner in secret? Hey maybe we can invite Nick into this, maybe he'd like to get some pointers from you? We could all just talk about it," she over pronounced 'talk'. She'd uncrossed her arms and was gesturing wildly with them. In a way he understood where she came from but he was flabbergasted that this came right now. When she had to catch her breath Fin took his chance to step into this conversation.

"What's this about Amanda?" he asked hoping she would be able to sort it out for him. Clearly whatever had upset her in the captain's office was bringing up a lot of emotions deep buried.
"What this is about? Really Fin?" she shouted out, took a step to him and put her palms to his chest and shoved him. He took a step backwards not so much by the actual impact but by the emotional impact her words had at him.
"You don't want to know what this is about," she kept shouting. Fury and sadness playing all over her face as she did.

"God forbid we would have a meaningful talk Fin. Like you would want me to share something. Something…" she trailed of as he saw her eyes watering but she shook it off just as quick and continued: "No why spoil something shallow and impersonal? Why risk it? Why not just fuck it out like we usually do? Yeah you wanna do that Fin? Well let's go hide somewhere then so we can fuck it out." Her words were hurtful but he took them, he knew there was some truth behind them but most of all he knew she trusted him enough to air these feelings. He listen to every single word she shouted because he knew they were important. He could see the fury was draining her out.

"You don't wanna know anything Fin. Believe me you wouldn't want to know who I am. You wouldn't like me at all." And there it was he thought. He could handle the anger, the blame she'd been spewing because he knew she spoke the truth. He could handle aggression as a defense mechanism. He couldn't handle this though. The self-hatred, the warped self-image that someone, somewhere in her past had given her. It roared its ugly head from time to time, she hid it well but he could see the cracks even if she thought he didn't. He was just too weak to handle it head on and took the easy route around it. He'd figured her week dad, her cold mom and growing up with a sister with mental issues had some part of it but that had probably also given her the strength he also knew she carried. He had to fend for himself growing up and they were alike that way. He could see himself in her. So whatever it was that had tried to beat her down along the way had made itself known again and Fin figured the visit from her former captain must be linked to it.

"Just stick to what you know Fin. Let's just stay with what we do best. Like all people do best. Screw each other," her voice was fading fast and he could see her face crumbling. She took a deep breath and he heard the air getting caught in her throat. He looked around quickly and saw a couple of duckboards a few yards away. He gently grabbed her wanting to lead her over there to have a seat. She tried to shake him off but she was too weak at this point to fight him off and let herself be led over. They sat down side to side and it didn't take long until she cracked. She bent over as she felt the tears come, wanting to hide them from him. He pulled her to him and she didn't fight him. Her head landed in his lap and he stroke her coat covered back as he felt the silent sobs take over her body.

He hadn't thought much about if anyone else was around while she screamed at him but now he noticed that they weren't alone. Some contractors were working not far from them. He didn't care if they'd overheard them. His number one priority right now was her wellbeing. They sat there for quite some time. Her body overtaken by so much bottled-up sadness he was afraid she'd gone down the rabbit hole for good. But the sobs ebbed out finally. She stayed down for a while longer but then she sat up and he let her go. She kept her head turned away from him and he tried not to stare at her. He kept throwing worried looks her way though but she seemed to collect herself well. When she finally was able to face him she slowly turned her head towards him. Her eyes were hidden behind her bangs, all he saw was her still wet eyelashes.

"I'm sorry," she whispered when she finally managed to briefly peek up at him. He shook his head.
"You don't have to apologize," he told her.
"Yes I do. I'm dealing with something that has nothing to do with you and it was wrong of me to attack you."

Her apology meant a lot to him but he still knew that even though it had been aired at the wrong time she'd spoken what she truly felt inside. Like always they had lousy timing. He'd been asking, wanting more of their relationship when she lay lifeless in the hospital bed after the shooting. He'd thought he'd get his time to tell her but he waited for her to recover, gain her strength. And then they found themselves pregnant and that got in their way. No, in his way. It scared him. Made it all too real and he'd backed up to a secure place. And now here they were finally airing some truths between them and then this, to him still unknown, thing was between them.

"You want to tell me what it's about?" he asked and hoped the honesty between them would hold. But it didn't as she shook her head. He felt like asking again, like begging but he didn't.
"What time is it?" she asked after a silent pause between them. He checked his watch and told her. She wiped her face and tried to shake the last of her emotions off.
"I should head back. He might not have left for the airport yet. I think I have to talk to him before he leaves," she said.

Fin didn't feel like letting her go just yet but he knew he had to. He put his hand gently on the back of her arm as they stood up. Amanda seemed uncomfortable with the stares of the contractors on the site as they walked out but Fin just stared back at them. Fin flagged down a cab once they got back out on the street and soon they were riding back to the station again. She was looking out the window the whole time but he saw her hand just resting against the seat. He felt like grabbing it. Wanted to hold her. Kiss the palm of her hand like he did sometimes after they made love or when she lay lifeless in a hospital bed. Why was it so hard for him to step up to the plate? He felt like such a coward. If he waited for the right moment it would never come. But it didn't feel right to change any conditions of their relationship right now as something else was bothering her. But he had clearly heard her, she did find a part of their relationship straining. It had been so simple to begin with. And then the shooting and Faith came along. The bad and then the really good. But it did make it complicated. No point denying it.

He didn't get to finish his trail of thoughts because they had reached the station. Fin paid the cabdriver and then caught up to Amanda who'd taken a few steps towards the building. She seemed very nervous but held herself up. From her face you couldn't tell she'd been crying not long ago. All he dared to do was just slightly hold his hand behind her back as they walked up the stairs to the station. While inside he let her have her space. He gave her a smile as they rode up the elevator but her face remained stiff. He took the lead into the squad room so she wouldn't have to. Nick saw them first and curiously looked Amanda over. She was scanning the room for her former captain though, didn't see him in Cragen's office but then found him next door in the interview room. Fin followed her half way there since it was on his way to his desk. Liv looked up from her desk as well but Amanda kept her head straight forward. Fin wanted to go with her into the room but knew he couldn't and remained by his desk as he saw her enter.

Sam looked up from the laptop he was working on as she open the door. She looked at him briefly before she turned to close the door behind her. She took a deep breath before she turned around to face him.
"I'm sorry," she said and tried to sound braver than she felt. Sam had turned the screen down on his laptop and he gave her his full attention.
"You have nothing to apologize for Amanda," he said and looked like he meant it. It was the second time she heard it in today though and the second time she felt the one who said it were wrong.

"Yes I do. I shouldn't have raised my voice at you," she took a few steps towards him. Even though Amanda hadn't seen her captain he had been in his office and when he heard the door open to the room next door he approached the window. He was looking at the two from the other side of the mirror. He knew he was eavesdropping, that he probably should turn the sound off but he felt too invested in solving this he told himself it was for Amanda's best that he listen in. Sam had caught him by surprise yesterday when he called and told Don that he was in the city. Sam had asked if he had time to see him and Don knew him well enough to hear the seriousness in his voice. Don had been caught at the ADA's office so they decided to have dinner later on.

Don and Sam went back a long time and consider each other friends. If anyone else had called and recommended a young detective from outer state to one of NYPD's toughest divisions Don might not even had taken the call. But it had been Sam and Don trusted his judgment. Amanda had been everything and more then what Sam had told him. They had small talked while they ate, been nostalgic about shared past history but Don had spotted Sam was bothered by something. Don had no idea it was about Amanda though. As the coffee was being served Sam had started talking. Don could tell Sam had a heavy heart. He'd confessed to a wrongdoing in the past without letting Don know exactly what it was he'd done. He told Don that a couple of women had stepped forward and accused a deputy chief in Atlanta of sexual harassment. Internal affairs were investigating. They wanted to talk to Amanda.

Don had asked Sam if she would have something to add to the criminal offense and Sam had told him she did. Sam told Don he'd tried to talk to Amanda earlier but it didn't go that well. He asked if they could sit down together. Sam needed to make amends for not sticking up for her in the past. Don felt torn. He held his old friend in high regards and it was hard to see him fall out of grace. They decided to meet up early next morning. The meeting with Amanda hadn't gone well though. Don had tried to keep up appearance but he'd felt nervous. He hadn't been ready for her strong reaction. When Amanda had stormed out Don had felt helpless. He hoped Fin would be able to help her and get her back. Don didn't know what to say to Sam either. And here he was eavesdropping to get a little bit wiser in the matter that had been dropped in his lap last night.

"I don't blame you," Sam told her. Amanda had reached the chair across from him and slowly sat down.
"I'm the one who should apologize Amanda. I didn't handle it well at all back then. I get that it's not easy for you, there's never a right time for this but I want him to go down. It's been a long way coming," Sam kept his eye on her as he spoke. There was a pause.

"Can I tell IA what I know tomorrow when I sit down with them?" he finally came right out and asked. She felt so tired. Like she didn't want to fight it any longer but she couldn't imagine talking about what happen back then. She didn't want to go back to that.
"Do you have to?" she asked so quietly Don barely heard her from the other side of the mirror.
"I think I do," Sam answered. There was another pause but then she finally nodded. Sam seemed somewhat relieved.

"They'll want to talk to you. I'll make them understand it was my decision, that I let him get away with it. I'll be there when you talk to them if you want me to," he suggested but she shook her head.
"I… I can't think about that right now," she said honestly.
"Okay, we can talk about it after tomorrow," he said with a sympathetic smile. Don knocked carefully on the door and then entered. Amanda stood up but kept her head down. She felt embarrassed for how she'd acted earlier in front of him. He walked up to them.

"Everything okay in here?" he asked. Sam gave him a short nod but Cragen could tell Amanda felt awkward.
"I'm sorry sir, for how I acted earlier. That was unprofessional of me sir and I apologize," she tried to steady her voice but there were cracks in there and she heard them. For a third time she was told that there was no need for an apology but she still didn't agree.

"I shouldn't have run out like that," she insisted but Cragen stopped her.
"Amanda, you felt threaten, it's a normal reaction. Please don't feel like you need to apologize for it." He looked at her with those kind eyes of his and she did believe he meant what he said. She still couldn't shake the awkward feeling though. She turned to Sam.

"When is your plane?" Amanda asked to get out of this situation. Sam looked at his watch.
"I should probably start moving towards the airport actually," Sam said and closed his laptop completely shut.
"Is it okay if I drive him there captain?" Amanda said and dared to meet Don's eyes briefly.

"Sure. And then take the rest of the day off and spend some time with that precious daughter of yours. We'll talk tomorrow," Don told her, thinking she needed some time to digest all of this. Sam got his things together and then shook hands with Don.
"You'll call me tomorrow after you're done with IA?" Don asked and Sam nodded.
"Good luck," Don said and put a hand on Sam's arm. Amanda went out a head of Sam and approached Fin.

"Can I use your car to take Sam to the airport?" she asked and he immediately got his keys out.
"Captain's letting me have the day so I'll text you when it's back in the lot, I'll leave the key on the tire okay?" Fin shook his head.
"Take it home. I'll catch a ride if I need to. Bring it in tomorrow," he said.
"You sure?" she asked and he nodded.
"Okay, thanks," she asked as Sam came walking up behind her and they headed out. Nick followed them curiously with his eyes. Liv kept her head down, she'd learnt by now how to stay informed without staring.

Sam tried to keep some smalltalk going during the ride out to the airport. Amanda appreciated what he tried to do but had a hard time concentrating. They had time for a cup of coffee before Sam headed to his gate. Sam did his best to try and convince her everything would turn out okay but they both knew they were in for a bumpy ride. They both knew Hall was a shark, he would surely fight this with everything he had and he had some powerful people keeping his back. He dared to give her a hug before they said their goodbyes and Amanda stayed and gave him a wave as he headed to the security check. On the way back she called Nellie and told her she didn't have to pick up Fay today. Then she called the daycare to make sure they were in and it was okay to pick her daughter up early. It had been a good idea from her captain, having her daughter in her arms immediately made her feel a whole lot better.

"You wanna go to the children's museum hon?" Amanda asked and knew her daughter would be up for anything if she just used the right tone of voice. Since they were near home Amanda drove by and exchanged cars. She had everything she needed for Fay in her car so they didn't need to go upstairs. Fay was probably a little too young still for the museum but Amanda knew how to lure her daughter's attention to things so it went well. Except for two school classes they had the museum to themselves. They had an exhibition about the Chinese lunar year and a girl in a creative area helped them make a dragon mask each. Fay had more fun getting color all over her hands then on the actual mask but they still manage to make one each and Amanda thanked the girl for her time with them.

They managed to spend many hours at the museum, it actually had more to offer than she'd expected and she made a note to come back here again soon. Fay had been mesmerized by the museum but as soon as they left she wore down quickly and she fell asleep in Amanda's arms during the short walk back to the car. Amanda had a seat at the passenger side and wheeled the back down. She locked the car and then just sank down with her daughter to her chest. The warmth from her daughter and her soft snoozes made this moment perfect. Her daughter had a calming effect on her. She'd always had that. Amanda had read in books about how stressful it would get having a child, how you as a parent never felt you had enough time and sure, there were times when she felt that but very often she found herself in situations like this. Precious moments alone with her daughter when the outside world made no difference. They were untouchable. Her daughter empowered her and right now she needed a lot of that.

After the nap they drove to a mall and explored a toy store. Fin texted while they were in there and asked if he could come over. She texted him back and told them they had a girls night out and wasn't at home. He texted back, told them to have fun and her to call later if she felt like it. They left the store with a singing and wiggling furry little thing that they both found amusing. So far Amanda had been spared from outbursts and crying while out and about and she was thankful for every week that went by without any. They hit the food court and found something to eat. On their way home they stopped by the water and watched the sun setting for a bit. She knew she had to get Fay home though, it was past her bedtime. They went through their usual bedtime routine but tonight she let Fay stay in her bed after she'd fallen asleep. She needed her nearby to get a good night sleep and it worked.

She felt awkward as she walked into the station the next day though. Worried what her peers would think of her with the display of emotions yesterday. But of course everyone kept their heads down and treated her like any other day. Nick was in already and greeted her with a good morning and a smile. She repaid him with the same and took a seat at her desk. Olivia stepped in a few minutes later and a while later Fin. He stopped by her desk and gave her a look. She just nodded and then he kept walking. She tried to keep her head in the city but at times her mind wandered back home to Atlanta and Sam's talk to IA. She kept wishing it all could just go away but she knew IA would want to talk to her. They just wouldn't drop it she knew that. Cragen called her into his office after lunch. She could feel Fin's eyes on her back as she walked in there. Cragen let her know both Sam and a sergeant from IA had called him. Two IA investigators were flying in to talk to her on Monday. He asked her how she was feeling about that and she just told him it was fine even though turmoil was going on inside of her. She added an apology for the mess she created. Cragen stopped her quickly and shook his head.

"You seem to think this is somehow your fault Amanda. It's not. You crossed the path of a dirty cop. They're out there unfortunately. Then Sam made a mistake letting him get away with it. This is not on you. If nothing else the fact that other women are pressing charges against him should tell you, you are not at fault here." She wanted to believe him but her head was too screwed up right now. At least it felt good knowing her captain felt this way.

Don tried to probe a little more but she gave him nothing and after a while he let her go back to work. Fin gave her space once she got out but as soon as they were alone in the car he asked if everything was okay. She told him it was but the question still hung in the air as they rode over to Brooklyn to have a chat with Janos that had been picked up during the night.

"You might be working with someone else come Monday," she said.
"Why?"
"I'm getting another visit from Atlanta," she took a deep breath and looked out the side window.
"Sam's back?" he asked.
"No. Suits," she said.
"Are you in trouble Amanda?" he asked and she was taken aback by his question. She felt bad for not thinking about how this looked from his point of view. He was clueless. All of a sudden she was yelling at him, punching him and then sobbing like a mad woman. She looked over at him and as he looked over at her she shook her head. He nodded and looked a little bit relieved.

They would spend a lot of time together that weekend. The three of them. Fin felt a need to stay close to Amanda since she clearly was dealing with something. Amanda didn't mind having Fin around to keep her busy and her thoughts off what she would have to go through once the weekend was over. Fin had taught Fay to make high fives and tried to get her into music. She had already shown great beat and Fin was working on her swag to much amusement for Amanda. While Fin was hoping Fay would grow up to be a rapper Amanda was more hoping for a ball player. Fin had more luck with the beat than Amanda had with Fay's interest in balls though. But whatever made her daughter happy made Amanda happy so she was fine with it.

Fay was at that fun age when she explored the world around her with such great interest. She walked perfectly now and was quick on her feet so you really had to keep an eye on her. She had to touch everything and most of it would end up in her mouth sooner or later. Fin had great fun just watching her explore. He'd missed this period in Ken's life so it was all new to him. It was new to Amanda too but she lived with this every day and didn't find it as hilarious the fifth time she had to stick her fingers in her daughter's mouth to remove an object. Especially not since Fay had learnt she could bite her mom to try and keep the object to herself instead of her mom robbing her off it.

"Really Fin? I don't remember you having so much fun after five hours in the emergency room," Amanda glared at him as he was laughing hard at Amanda's 'ouch' at the playground as she removed a smaller rock from Fay's mouth and Fay had bit down to keep it. A few weeks ago Fay had swallowed a smaller badge pin and since Amanda wasn't sure if the pin was sticking out or not she feared it could be hurtful which had landed them in the emergency room. Fin had joined them. The x-ray showed the pin wasn't sticking out but they still needed to make sure the badge didn't got stuck so they'd stayed and fed Fay buns and tried to keep her awake and active until finally the badge came out the natural way. They had both been trying to act calm but when it came to Fay they both wore their emotions on the sleeve so they left the emergency room with great relief. Fay had fallen asleep in the car and back at Amanda's they'd all crashed from exhaustion on the bed within minutes.

Monday came sooner than either of them wanted. The squad caught a case early morning. Liv was starting her day at the courthouse and Nick was surprised when Cragen sent him out with Fin. Not that they didn't rotate but since Amanda seemed to be open it didn't make sense she stayed in. Nick wondered if it had anything to do with the still unexplained drama Amanda had been a part of last week.

"So Amanda's staying put?" Nick said as they headed out. Fin just shot him a look since he didn't get the question or if it even was a question.
"Is she okay?" he tried and got awarded another look.
"Yeah," Fin just said as he looked away and Nick knew not to ask anything more.

Liv came back two hours later to find only Amanda at her desk. Cragen called her in to get the latest on the court case. Liv was in there when Cragen's phone rang and she heard him tell whoever was calling to bring them upstairs. Cragen seemed to be in a hurry to finish off their briefing and as Liv stepped outside she saw the two suits walking in behind the desk clerk from downstairs. She looked at the two suits curiously. She could spot IA from a far by now and she always sensed trouble once she did. Cragen came out and shook their hands as Liv walked over to her desk. Liv saw Cragen give Amanda a nod and she immediately rose from her desk. Liv could tell Amanda looked strained as she walked over.

"Liv can you take my calls, I'll be gone a while okay. No interruptions if not absolutely necessary okay?" Liv nodded having eyes on both her captain and on Amanda who now shook the suit's hands. Cragen led the company down the hall. He'd already cleared with Amanda he wanted to be present as she spoke with IA and even though she really didn't want him to be there she knew it was more an order than a question. He'd let her chose the room though and she'd chosen a more secluded place than the interview room. Even though she obviously couldn't know for sure it did feel as she was a dead man walking as they walked down that hallway. She was already perspiring before they even got there. She tried to keep her head cool but it was awfully hard today. Cragen made sure the window was closed as she'd requested. He took the chair next to hers but pulled it a bit to the side so he wouldn't cramp her. He'd already been in there and put bottles of water on the table for them.

The IA investigators running this were Brian Wilcox and Stephanie Garner. Both in their 40s with proper exterior but friendly faces. Cragen got a good feeling about the two but Amanda was too blocked to read anyone clearly right now. It could have been mother Theresa sitting across the table right now and she would still feel threaten. Brian put a recording device on the table and fixed a microphone so it pointed straight towards Amanda. Amanda was leaning back in her chair just trying to breathe calmly and keep her head cool. Brian gave Stephanie a nod once everything was set up and Stephanie turned to Amanda with a smile on her face.

"Are you ready to get started Amanda?" she asked and Amanda nodded. Stephanie looked down on the papers in front of her and said out loud the date and who was present in the room. She went on to give the time when the interview started.

"So we're here today Amanda to get your statement in the case that we're building against deputy chief Shane Hall of the Atlanta PD. We've spoken to your former captain Sam Reynolds as I think you know," she gave Amanda enough of a pause to nod and then continued: "And we're interested to hear more about an altercation that took place…" she looked down into her papers and then gave the date and year of that awful day that would forever be engraved in Amanda's mind. Amanda nodded once more as the female investigator looked at her.

"But we want you to start at the very beginning. The very first time you met Hall. Don't leave anything out. We want to know everything he's ever said or done to you that was out of line, and if you hesitate on what's out of line just mention it anyway. Okay?" Amanda nodded but Stephanie asked her to give an audible answer and Amanda found herself leaning slightly forward and answering 'yes' with a frail voice. She immediately cleared her throat to get her voice back. Cragen reached out and grabbed a bottle of water and placed it closer to her on the table. She shot him a slight smile at the gesture and then grabbed the bottle to have a sip.

"So whenever you're ready," Stephanie said and with that handed the room over to Amanda. Ready? When were you ever ready to tell anyone how you let yourself get played and slowly worn down, how you held your tongue when someone so clearly crossed your comfort line. When were you ever ready to tell someone a true story that so obviously, in hindsight, painted you as the fool and the weak one. How did you tell anyone that you – a police detective – couldn't even protect your own sorry ass when push came to show. Amanda got pulled from her thoughts as her captain moved slightly in his seat next to hers. She wasn't sure how she felt about him knowing this either. Wasn't it bad enough he knew about her gambling issues. Then the shooting and getting knocked up back to back. And now this. When would he have enough of her? She couldn't help but throw a look his way. He was already watching her and as their eyes met he shot her a little smile. She didn't see any anger on his face. Just honest concern and support.

"Amanda?" Stephanie said and she turned her head back to the table.
"Are you ready?" the investigator asked again. No she didn't feel ready but she figured she would just have to toughen up. She would never be ready for this so she might as well just get on with it like she always did. She straighten up in her seat a bit.

"The very first time I met Shane Hall I was just on my second year with the force. I volunteered for a decoy operation. He was still a detective back then. I remembered him particularly well cause he gave me an inappropriate comment on the dress I had been assigned…"