Okay I'm sorry if I upset some readers, I guess I kinda figured I would but I don't mean to offend anyone. I did put warnings out so I feel I at least tried not to. I do love Fin. And I love Amanda & Finanda. I love how complicated their relationship are in my fanfic. I've never been one to shy away from hard stuff and I think that love comes in many forms and sometimes you act wrong when you mean right and when you don't deal head on with stuff you might just end up hurting the one you love. It's life. It's my fanfic. I hope you trust me enough to keep reading but it's your choice after all...
XXX
He woke up and the instant he opened his eyes the sun hurt him so much it felt as though his head split in two. It hurt even more as he tried to pinch his eyes close and he felt only a slight sense of relief once he managed to get his hand up to cover his eyes. He stayed complete still for a while but then he got a sense he wasn't alone. He moved away from the sun and managed to get his eyes open. He turned his head but found he was alone on the bed.
He closed his eyes again and lay back down. His head hurt. His throat was completely dried up. He did not feel good at all. How much had he had to drink last night? Again he got a sense he wasn't alone though. At least he hadn't been last night. Amanda. She'd been there. He was sure. They'd slept together? He wasn't sure if that was for real or a dream though. He opened up his eyes again and tilted his head to the side.
He heard her call out his name. She'd called out his name. She'd been scared. He turned his head up and stared up onto the ceiling. A wave of nausea flooded over him as memories from last night came crashing back. He wasn't sure exactly what had transpired but the images he got before his eyes told him a grim story. Her wrist pinned down in his grip, her plead for him to stop, her fingers scratching at his head in a not so pleasant way, her face shoved down into the sheets, her gasping for air. He knew something that shouldn't have happen, had happen last night.
Once the shock eased a little he managed to get up and into the bathroom before the nausea had reach his throat. He threw up in the toilet bowl and then washed his face and mouth out quickly. It was well over 8 am already. She would be at work. He hoped she would be at work. He knew he needed to see her as soon as possible.
Liv had run into Nick already on the lot outside the precinct.
"I see you got home alright last night," she smiled at him. He'd walked her to her door and then took a cab home. He nodded.
"You think the rest of our squad did though?" Nick smiled. He'd never seen Fin that wasted. Liv just shot him a smile. A smile that quickly disappeared though. She just had an uneasy feeling about last night but she couldn't figure out why. They stepped inside the squad room a little before 8 am. Fin and Amanda's desks were empty they noticed immediately.
As Nick put his jacket over his chair and Liv had a seat though they heard ruckus down the hall and looked over. Amanda came walking growling, wiping her hands with some napkins.
"Effing coffee machine is broke again," she said with anger oozing all over the place as she noticed Liv's and Nick's curious looks. She looked worn out. Her face was pale, she looked as though she hadn't slept much, if at all, and her hair was up in a messy bun.
"You okay?" Liv asked.
"I need coffee. Badly," she grunted and avoided her look. She tossed the napkins in the bin by her desk and grabbed her jacket that held her valuables.
"I'm going across the street. You want anything?" she said as she passed them.
"Yeah, grab me one," Nick said, "you need cash?" She shook him off.
"Liv?" she asked and had to turn at the gate as Liv still hadn't responded.
"Did you get Fin home alright last night?" Liv asked and Amanda just stared at her for a while.
"Yeah. Do you want coffee or not?" she asked a bit flippant.
"Yes please," Liv said slowly. Amanda immediately turned on her heal and walked out. Liv kept her eyes at the gate for a while but then turned to meet Nick's wide eyes.
"I thought Fin would be the one with the mood today?" he said. Liv didn't smile, she just looked back over towards the gate. Her eyes narrowed. She wasn't sure what was going on right now.
Amanda came back about twenty minutes later. She handed the stand with the two cups to Nick as she passed him, he thanked her but she kept quiet. Nick got Liv's cup up and handed it to her over the desk. Liv said thanks but had already turned her head Amanda's way.
"Will Fin be in today?" she asked. Amanda just gave her a shrug with her shoulders. She seemed to check her computer screen with great interest, coffee cup right underneath her lip. Their captain came walking out of his office.
"Got something for us captain?" Nick asked, he wouldn't mind getting out of the power cooker that was their squad room today.
"Not yet," he said and Nick shot Liv a look. Guess she'd been wrong about that full moon. Cragen told them though that Barba had called and needed that witness statement they'd promised him earlier in the week. Nick said he'd get right on it.
It would be another hour before Fin finally walked in. Sunglasses still on. Nick had his head down and missed giving him a glare as he passed. Liv saw him coming though and gave him a nod. Fin headed straight for Amanda's desk though. Without removing his sunglasses or even a hi, he asked if he could talk to her. She hadn't looked at him. She'd just kept staring at her screen. Her entire being though told him she was pissed off. More pissed off than he'd ever seen but it could be his guilty mind playing tricks on him.
He hadn't been sure at all what he'd walk into, if she'd even be there.
"Can we talk?" he repeated when she didn't move. He felt Nick and Liv's eyes on his back. Amanda stood up, took a few steps around him, leaving space between them since she obviously didn't want to be near him. She kept her head down and then forward as she aimed for the break room. Fin eyes couldn't help but go a bit sideways, he met Liv's briefly but then hurried after Amanda.
Liv followed them with her eyes. Nick tried to get a hold of her eyes but as usual he had to bite down his need to pry as Liv turned her head straight down to her desk.
Amanda beat him to the break room, walked past the first couple of bunk beds and she had her back to him by the wall furthest in when he stepped inside. Her arms were folded in front of her. He closed the door behind him, took a deep breath and then turned back towards her. He took a few steps closer to her. He hadn't planned at all what to say or what to do. He'd just known he had to get to her. Now he wasn't sure what to do though. He took another few steps towards her, left an arm length distance between them. He knew she was very aware of where he was at. She was wired tense.
He looked her over as he tried to figure out what to say. She wore black jeans and a long sleeved, loose fitting, green sweater. Her hair was up in a messy bun. Even with his dark sun glasses still on he could see two round marks at the back of her neck. He got his sun glasses up on his head even though the light hurt his eyes. He deserved any pain that came his way today he figured. He saw the marks clearer as his eyes got used to the light. It was his marks. He'd done that to her. Her face had been pushed down the bedspread. She'd been gasping for air.
The flash backs got too hard to bear for a second and he pinched his eyes shut as he put his fingers over the bridge of his own nose. He let himself go after just a few seconds. It was time to face what he'd done.
"Amanda," he said. The sudden sound of his voice made her flinch and he quiet down fearing he'd caused permanent damage here that no words could fix. He shook his head. Of course he'd caused permanent damage. There was no way around it.
"Can you look at me?" he asked after a while. He needed to make sure she really heard what he was saying. She shook her head though and he accepted that.
"Look, there's no words," he started, "There's not enough words to excuse what I did. There's no excuse in the world that will cover just how sorry I am for what I did." He had to take a breath and looked up at the ceiling for a while. Then he cleared his throat though and continued.
"And what's even worse, if that's even possible, I have to ask you… what happen?" He saw her slight movement as her head raised a little. She turned around quickly. She didn't look as angry as he had anticipated, instead it looked like tears could escape her eyes at any moment. Her arms were still folded in front of her.
"Do you mean you don't remember?" her voice was frail. She wasn't sure what this news meant to her. The realization didn't make her feel either better or worse. He shook his head slowly.
"I have flash backs. Awful ones. But I can't piece them together," he confessed. He saw small signs on her face, nostrils flaring a little, her lower lip shivered slightly. He knew what all those signs meant and wasn't surprised once the first tear escaped her eyes. She didn't even try to wipe it away. Her fists had been clenched already but now they tighten even further and as more tears ran down her face she unfolded her arms and her fists came crashing down on his chest as she stepped to him. He didn't move. Her fists weren't hard but they still hurt him, they hurt him on the inside.
He just watched her punch him over and over again as tears ran down her face and he didn't do anything to stop her. He even wished she would punch harder. But he knew this was frustration, there was more sadness than anger on her crumbled face, either way it didn't make him feel any better. After a while she wore herself out and the pounding became sparser. He felt like hugging her but when he went for her she protested. Shoved her fists into his chest. He'd still taken another step and she ended up with her back to the wall. Her arms were straight, her knuckles digging in as he leaned forward. He wanted it to hurt more. He put one hand on the wall next to her though as he felt he needed the support only a wall could give you.
They were both breathing hard, her breaths spoiled by sobs every now and then. She quickly lost the strength in her arms and he felt the fists ease up some. They remained there for a while until she slowly started to sink towards him. Her fists lay relaxed on his chest and she put her forehead right above them. A row of sobs escaped her throat. He let her just lean on him. He tried putting his free hand on her arm but she pulled away slightly and he put it down again as he didn't want to scare her off. The fact she made any type of contact with him right now gave him hope. He knew this wasn't something he should be forgiven for but the fact she stayed here with him meant so much. At a time when he'd felt all hope was gone this was at least something and it was all he could ask for. He closed his eyes for a second, just listen to her breathing as it was starting to calm down. Her sobs came sparser and sparser and he dared to lean down and plant a kiss on her hair. She didn't shy away but he didn't do anything else. Having her close was enough for him.
They got interrupted though. There was a soft knock on the door and Olivia put her head in the second after. Fin looked over his shoulder as he got his hand down from the wall. Amanda peeked up but then hid behind Fin as she tried to wipe her eyes.
"Sorry," Liv said, "but captain has a case for us Amanda."
"Give me just a minute," Amanda asked. She tried to keep her voice normal but wasn't sure she pulled it off.
"Sure, I'll wait downstairs," Liv said and closed the door. Fin had already turned his eyes back to Amanda and now watched her take a couple a steps away from him as she kept trying to wipe her eyes clear.
"I need the bathroom," she realized though and said it out loud. Fin nodded even though she didn't look at him.
"We'll talk later?" he asked and it was her time to nod. He was watching her though, he watched her as she left the room and hurried down towards the bathroom.
Amanda quickly headed into the bathroom. She avoided looking at herself in the mirror until after she'd washed her face off. She shook her head at herself. Her eyes were red and puffy. There was no way she would get past Liv like this. She got the cold water running and reached for some paper towels. She soaked them in water and then put them over her eyes. She held the wet cloths there for at least a minute as she tried to get a grip on her scattered brain. She was at work. She had a case at hand. Everything had to be put to the side for the time being.
She looked back into the mirror and her eyes did look a little better. The puffiness was down and now her entire face looked red and not just her eyes. She washed her entire face off again and then dried herself up. She took a deep breath and then headed out there. She spotted Fin still inside the break room out of the corner of her eye but paid him no more attention. Nick had his head down at his desk but she felt him looking when she went to grab her jacket. It was too warm outside but she still felt the need to at least bring it.
Liv wasn't at her desk so Amanda figured she was literary downstairs already.
"Is Fin coming back?" Nick asked as she passed him. She just ignored him though and hurried out where there was air. She spotted Liv talking to the guy at the reception desk downstairs. Liv spotted her too and quickly ended the conversation with him so she could meet Amanda at the exit.
"Everything okay?" Liv asked the second she caught up to Amanda. They were on their way down the stairs and Amanda gave her a quick nod and then hurried along. Liv walked a step or two behind her over to Liv's car. Liv drove them out of the lot but kept throwing glances at Amanda.
"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked again. Amanda found herself nervously pulling her sleeves down. She'd chosen this sweater for a reason this morning. She had red marks around both her wrists that would absolutely raise questions if someone saw them. Amanda realized it would be a dead give-away for Liv though if she tugged at her sleeves and stopped immediately.
Liv hadn't been focused on that though. She'd seen the red marks at the back of Amanda's neck as they headed down the stairs. Marks Amanda didn't even know she had. Liv had worked as a detective long enough to know those marks were handmade. And the notion Fin could, had to, be the one behind them made Liv feel uneasy. She had no idea really what those two had between them but those marks combined with Amanda's fickle mood made Liv worried about what had transpired last night.
"I'm fine," Amanda said and tried to give Liv a confident look. Liv had to break their eye contact though as she had to look at the traffic ahead but she wasn't convinced.
"Did something happen with Fin when you took him home?" Liv wouldn't give up so easy, Amanda should've known.
"No, it went fine," Amanda said and kept her eyes on the traffic too.
"Are you sure?" Liv asked and turned her head as they'd stopped for a red light. Amanda braced herself and turned to Liv.
"I can handle Fin," she said and made a real afford this time to look confident. She had to sell it to Liv because she wasn't sure how much interrogation she could handle right now. Liv watched her intensely but then a car behind them honked since the light had turned. Liv put a friendly hand out her window as she drove on.
"So what's the case?" Amanda asked as she realized she didn't know. That fact, that Amanda hadn't been eager about the case until now, along with everything else made Liv feel unconvinced everything was fine but she let it be for now. Liv let her have the few facts they had. A 21 year old college student had called. She'd apparently been raped in her dorm room last night. They didn't have much more than that yet. The student hadn't been to the hospital yet and they had no known assailant. Amanda nodded.
They soon reached the apartment building that worked as a dormitory for a school nearby. Since it was the middle of the summer it was mostly empty and they had trouble getting in since the young woman who'd called in didn't respond to the buzzer. Finally though another student or visitor came out and he let them pass. They got up to the floor were 21 year old Haley stayed. Haley was of average height and size, her hair was shoulder length, auburn in color and her eyes were blue. She gave a frail impression as she opened the door for them. She wore no make-up, she was covered up in a pair of lounge pants and an oversized hoodie. She looked pale and like she hadn't had much sleep last night.
Liv made their introductions and asked if they could come in. Haley hesitated but then finally let them pass. Her place existed of one rather large room and a small bathroom with just a toilet and a sink right by the door. She obviously shared the room with another student as the room had two beds and two sets of every other furniture in the room. Both beds were unmade but when Liv asked Haley told her that her roommate was back home for summer break. Liv asked if they could sit down and Haley nodded and pulled forward the two desk chairs for them. She had a seat at the end of one of the beds. Both Liv and Amanda noticed her slight grin as she sat down.
As usual Liv took the initiative to start and she asked Haley what had happen last night. Haley got a bit evasive at first, she said she felt stupid for calling. Nothing had happen really. Liv of course didn't give up that easy and soon the story unfolded. Haley had a friend over last night, a boy her age that she shared some classes with. They did have a beer or two, the bottles were still in one of the basket's underneath the desk. They'd always just been friends, they had kissed a few times but never really hooked up. The kissing was a while back though, like a year ago and they'd been just friends lately. Haley admitted she had been interested though so when he made a pass she'd been okay with it. The kissing was fine but she didn't want to take it further. Her friend hadn't agreed though. And they had intercourse. If you could call it that.
Amanda just sat there and listen but started to feel nauseous as Haley told her story. The walls seemed to cave in just a little and she had trouble focusing on what Haley was saying. Amanda did her best to breath calmly and give Haley the attention she deserved. Her chest started to feel clamped though and when Haley wrapped up her story, and just as Liv asked if she, if Haley, had said no, Amanda just had to get up off her chair. Amanda was sitting a little behind Liv, further from Haley, and Amanda tried to do it slowly and as unnoticeable as possible. In a single room with just three people it was impossible to be completely unnoticeable though. She got up and got behind her chair, leaning on it a little. She felt Haley's eyes on her and she saw Liv's side glances.
Liv kept focus though and asked Haley all the necessary questions. Had she said no? Did he acknowledge the no? Did he use force? Had he used protection? Haley asked yes to the first questions but no to the condom. She had showered though so there was no dna. She got her sleeves up though and showed them her bruised wrists. Amanda felt like such a hypocrite as she looked down on her own covered up wrists. Liv asked if she had more bruises and Haley nodded and then answered on the inside of her legs.
Liv asked if she was willing to come with them to the hospital for an examination. Haley was hesitant. She wasn't sure yet if she wanted to file a report against him. She had after all invited him up there and she had kissed him. She had perhaps done a little more than kissing even and she feared she'd led him on. Liv asked where the assault had happen and Haley pointed to the other bed. Liv told her they could find dna then. Liv then asked if Haley could give them her friend's name. Haley hesitated again but then gave them his name. Liv gave Haley a smile as she looked up at Amanda to make sure she wrote the name down. Liv took the chance to look Amanda over as well. She looked even paler now, Liv thought she saw sweat beads on her forehead.
They got Haley's clothes, the ones she had last night, into a bag and Liv told her they would get some officers that would go through her room while they were at the hospital. Liv was carefully guiding Haley out of there when Amanda suggested she would stay behind. Liv was confused. It wasn't how they usually worked. Amanda said she would stay until a unit came to go through the room, guard it until then. She'd call Nick or Fin, they could track the suspect. And she'd knock on some doors, see if anyone had heard anything. Liv didn't feel like arguing in front of the victim and finally just nodded. She handed Amanda the bag with the clothes. Liv felt a need to ask Amanda if she was doing okay but Haley couldn't wait. She was still reluctant on pursuing the case and Liv knew she needed to stay with her through this. Amanda knew too and that notion also made Liv fear something wasn't right here.
Amanda took several deep breaths, leaning her back against the wall, as soon as she'd shut the door. She fought tears and the nausea that lured down her throat.
"Get a grip, get a grip," she kept repeating to herself for a while until she managed to. She got her phone up and called Nick to give him the suspect's name. Nick offered to get a CSI unit over and Amanda didn't object. One less phone call for her to make. Once she hung up she stood there for several minutes, just looking at a poster on Haley's wall. There were trees on the poster, lots of them and in the middle it said 'The best way out is always through'. Amanda read it over and over again but it still didn't make any sense to her. She got angry eventually and she shook her head as she faced the window instead.
Suddenly she didn't think staying behind had been such a good idea after all as the walls seemed to be caving in again. She'd just been so unprofessional with Haley and didn't want to screw up even more. She'd hoped she could do a better job if left on sight but now she felt useless here too. She turned to the door and was about to run out but managed to stop herself right before. She put the bag with clothes down by the wall and covered her eyes with her hands for a while. Why did her life have to be so damn complicated all the time? Why was this happening?
Images from last night came crashing back and she closed her fists and banged them into her own forehead a couple of times to fight back the tears that were threatening behind her eyes. She hated Fin for making her go through this. She knew her situation was similar to Haley's but in ways it was totally different. At least in Amanda's head. She was such a screw-up. She had always been. Her mom had been right. She was a freak.
Last night she had been torn. Fin's hands, his mouth, it felt good. His body next to hers just seemed to fit perfectly. But Ryan was in her life now. She wanted more than casual sex. Even though she felt that what she and Fin had was so much more than casual it was all so unspoken and complex. With Ryan it felt simpler for some reason. Like they did it the right way. Getting to know each other, dating, dinners, meeting the kid, kissing, fondling. They did things according to the rule book.
What she had with Fin was completely different. They were sneaking around, been having some dirty, sexy, whirlwind romance for years now. And she enjoyed his company. Even now, after what had transpired last night, he'd still been the only one she could turn to. Back in the break room it hadn't felt odd to hit him and then the minute later feel the need to be close to him. Still, after what he did, he was the only one she felt understood her. The only one that truly got her. The only one she didn't have to act a part around, carry a brave mask in front of.
Her feelings about last night were totally screwed up. She did realize to some extent that the act he did was wrong but the worst part wasn't that. It was how he'd made her feel. The shame she felt about what had happen because of her part in it.
She'd sent mixed messages, that she knew. She'd wanted it but then not. She'd let him touch her and then not. She knew she had a right to change her mind though. But she'd wanted him even though she said no. There had been times before where he'd taken her places, unsecure places that she didn't knew if she'd wanted to visit but with him she felt safe and she'd been willing to go with him. She'd been willing to let him take her there, sometimes forcefully and rough, which she wasn't afraid to admit to herself that she'd enjoyed. Her sexuality was hers alone and she knew, much with his help actually, that she was allowed to like whatever she felt like.
But last night it had all gone totally off course. She'd wanted him to stop. That she knew. And she'd told him to stop. He hadn't listen. The fighting back had aroused her though. Once she stopped fighting him it had just been hurtful, nothing pleasurable about it. But then when she fought him again she'd felt the sensations again. Panic mixed with lust as she was pinned down and his hard cock appeared by her thigh. She'd tried one last time.
"Please Fin stop. Don't do this."
But he still hadn't listen and there had been pain as he forcefully entered her. Not physical pain though. Mental pain. Her head had been screaming as her core throbbed. She'd stopped fighting him, just taken what he gave her. To some extent welcomed it. He'd come quickly inside of her but kept going. She'd orgasm not long after. Her legs wrapped around his hip, tears pouring out her eyes and her hands still pinned to the bed. She'd been totally fucked over. Felt fucked over. Felt fucked up. She felt her throat close up just thinking about it and just how shameful she felt.
She'd met many victims over the years, some felt aroused while assaulted. It didn't make it any less heinous. It didn't make it any less of a crime. But still here she was thinking it. Feeling as though she'd been the one that did something wrong. And even though she was mad at Fin for making her feel that way she didn't hate him. She still didn't hate him. What she felt for Fin was something out of this world and it scared her. She'd let him hurt her, that's how much she loved him. The realization hit hard and it, at least for a minute, cleared her head completely. She loved him. To the point it hurt her. Clear as rain.
She no longer felt like crying, she just felt oddly drained out. Her love for Fin was damaging. She had to leave him behind.
Her phone buzzed suddenly. It was the CSI unit. They were here to go through the scene and collect the evidence and she let them know where she was at. She left that room, that mess, for them to deal with as she headed to the hospital to rejoin Liv and Haley and do her job properly.
It became a long day. They took Haley's statement again at the station and made sure she got driven to her parent's house afterwards. A counselor had seen her at the hospital and they'd made an appointment to meet the following week. They arrested Haley's friend slash rapist and booked him after he'd confessed to everything in interrogation.
Amanda worked methodical and swift. Liv couldn't believe the change from this morning to the person she said good night too later that day. Liv wasn't sure it made her feel more at ease or even more worried though. Fin had been odd the entire day too. Nick had joked about a hangover but Liv wasn't sure that was what was wearing him down.
Fin asked Amanda if they could talk after work and she'd said yes. They'd been sitting in her car out on the lot after shift finally was over. She seemed a bit detached but he didn't blame her. Even a bit standoffish she still seemed collected and she didn't shut him out completely. He apologized again, promised it would never ever happen again. He had no words to make his act any less heinous. No explanations were good enough. He let her know all this. She nodded. Acknowledged him. It was all he could ask for. He wished she would give him more than 'okay', 'it's okay', 'we'll be fine' and 'we're fine' though. It wasn't okay and they weren't fine. Nothing about this situation was okay or fine. Far from it. But he knew he didn't have the right to push it, push her, further.
The last thing he said was that he would respect what she and Ryan were building together. That he'd back off it, back off her. He made sure she knew he'd always be there for her. He never, ever wanted her any pain. When he got out of her car he felt perhaps an inch calmer. She seemed to have, somehow, during the day had a speedy recovery from this morning. From last night. She seemed determined in some way and she seemed to be okay with were they were at.
As she drove off though he felt as she literary drove out of his life. He would never again have what he had all these years with her. And it wasn't just because off what he'd done last night. It was because his inability to let her in, to let her know how he felt about her. It was many years coming and many missed opportunities. This was his cross to bear. He hoped she'd find happiness with Ryan, it would be the only slight absolution he could get.
Amanda dealt with this situation in a for her familiar way. She pushed it to the side, ran from it. She couldn't get her head around all the mixed emotions about what had happen and anything really about her and Fin's relationship. Shame was at the top of how she felt and it wasn't a feeling she liked carrying around. She pretended she dropped it, shook it off, and went forward. She knew she always wanted, needed, Fin to be a part of her life and she hoped if things could just keep progressing with Ryan it would all fall into place. That's what she told herself at least.
The following week Olivia took some time off for vacation. Cassidy got the chance to housesit a friend's home on Martha's Vineyard and Liv went with him. Amanda in her turn took a week off and went down to Georgia with Fay. Nick had a little time off as did Cragen. Fin was the only one working through the entire summer. Working at least gave him something to do. He tried to not think so much about what he had or didn't have with Amanda. She and Ryan seemed to have a good thing going. Fin had finally gotten to meet him a while back. He seemed like a good bloke.
Fin saw Fay every now and then but not as much as he liked. He knew he didn't have a right to demand more though. He and Amanda kept working side by side and they managed to get back to the good report they used to have. He tried to be happy about that, to settle with that but there were times, many of them to be honest, when he shot her glances and wished for more. Today was one of those days. They were on their way out when Amanda got a text. She looked all smiley and he asked her in the elevator what was up. She let him know Ryan was picking her up, he was waiting outside, they were having dinner and a movie. She looked happy about this, it made him feel miserable.
They said good bye on the stairs outside as she spotted Ryan half way out on the lot and hurried over to him. Ryan put a hand up in the air at Fin and he returned it. Fin put his hands down his pockets though as Ryan's attention went over to Amanda as she approached. He was telling her something that seemed to excite him and Amanda was left listening a step away from him.
At that point Olivia stepped down next to Fin and he pulled his eyes of the two for a sec. Olivia seemed to have zeroed in on them though.
"Who's that?" Olivia asked and Fin turned to look just as Ryan put his hands down into Amanda's back pockets and pulled her in for a kiss. Amanda's hands landed on his arms as their lips met. Her smile was eminent.
"Nevermind. I get it," Olivia said with a bit of laughter in there. She turned to Fin.
"I didn't know she was seeing anyone. What's his name?"
"Ryan," Fin said and couldn't hide the resentment in his voice. Olivia gave him a look but then looked back to Amanda and the guy. They'd unlocked their lips and seemed to exchange some words that made Amanda chuckle and she put her forehead down on his chest for a bit. When she came back up she shook her head a little as her cheeks had turned a little red. Liv thought they looked cute together. She'd never really seen Amanda with anyone so it was quite interesting to see how she acted. They started walking off the lot after a while though. The guy kept one hand down her back pocket as they walked off, Amanda's hand was around his lower back. Cute fit Liv thought but heard Fin sigh and turned to him.
"You okay Fin?" she asked. Fin sighed loudly again.
"Yeah," he said.
"You need a lift?" she asked.
"Nah, I'm walking," Fin said and took a step down.
"Sure?" Liv asked.
"Yeah, see you tomorrow," Fin didn't look back, just raised his hand a little and then walked off.
"Bye Fin," Liv shouted after him. She headed over to her car but watched his slump figure walk over the lot. He seemed really down and Liv couldn't help but link it to Amanda and this Ryan character. She just couldn't figure the two partners out but after all these years she'd just stopped trying to.
Fin stopped at the curb and looked down the street where he'd seen Amanda and Ryan take off. Amanda was just getting into a car on the passenger side. He figured it was Ryan's car and he sighed again. He recalled some old Bruno Mars song from a few years back. Something about how this guy should've bought the girl flowers, held her hand, given her all his hours when he had the chance. It felt very fitting to him right now. Now his baby truly was dancing with someone else and even though he wanted her happy he still wished he had a second chance. But thinking about everything he'd put her through over the years he knew the best thing for her was to stay away. Let her be happy with someone else because he was clearly not the one who would bring happiness to her. He dug his hands a little deeper into his pockets and turned the other way to head home to his empty, sad apartment to blast some enemies in a videogame.
Liv drove out from the lot only seconds later. She saw a car turning out from the curb a bit ahead and slowed down a little to make sure the driver spotted her. As she slowly went by she noticed it was Amanda and the guy. Liv raised her hand and smiled and Amanda quickly got her hand up. She looked a little embarrassed, almost like Liv had caught her doing something wrong. Liv smiled at the guy behind the wheel and then drove on. Liv decided to approach Amanda tomorrow and try and pry a little about the guy. Maybe they could do a little girl talk. Seemed they both could get a little better in that department.
Amanda really enjoyed Ryan's company. He was so sweet. He treated her to fancy dinners, took her on action filled dates, rock climbing and such, they went to the movies, jogged, ran a race together. They were very compatible. He was more open than her though. He wasn't ashamed of sharing what he felt for her but still respected she had a harder time with that. He declared his love for her early on, she never needed to wonder about his feelings for her. She couldn't yet repay the 'I love you' sentiment though. She knew she liked him, she thought she could love him with time.
He was great with Fay. He got her presents but most importantly he gave her time and affection. He always included Fay in their plans but still managed to make it obvious when he needed alone time with Amanda. She loved kissing him, she liked fondling on the couch and how he touched her even out in public. He progressed slowly though. She thought she had herself to blame though. That time after the circus date she'd abruptly stopped him, told him about the scars and how they made her feel. He respected that. Perhaps a bit too much. It took forever before he even made an attempt to go underneath her t-shirt again.
But then finally as his hand found its way underneath and he couldn't help but come across the lower scar. She was the one that hitched up her tee so he could have a look at it. He'd been so gentle, touched it gently, bent down and kissed it gently. But then he'd left it at that and it had taken ages until he made his way up underneath her tee and all the way to her breasts and the scar up there. It wasn't that she was complaining about his gentle manner. Okay she was. He was just so darn slow and it made her nervous. Just added to the angst he probably picked up on.
She was used to Fin's way. He took. He demanded. And she liked that. Well all but that last time. She tried not to think about that time though. The rest had been great. Awesome. Mind-blowing. And then when Ryan finally, three months into their relationship, took it all the way it was… fine. He was gentle. The foreplay took forever and she almost felt as though she had time to dry up again before he finally got inside her. But he'd been sweet. Careful. Attentive. He'd been quiet during the act. No screaming out her name with passion like Fin did so often. No grunting or moaning, just some gasping as he came close to climax. He'd asked if she was near, asked for permission to come. And she'd faked it. She'd actually faked an orgasm and seemed to have fooled him. But she told herself it would be better. She just needed to get used to this new way of making love.
She met his parents finally. He'd been bugging her about it for a while when she finally accepted an invitation from them. A family barbeque with some neighbors attending too. Ryan tried to downplay it but he didn't fool Amanda. She knew he was ecstatic about her finally accepting to meet his parents. They were so sweet. Everyone made her and Fay feel so welcomed. Fay had made a drawing and Amanda had bought a small gift basket for them.
Ryan's parents were as sweet as she'd imagined them. They had a lovely house. Ryan's brother and girlfriend were there too. Amanda had met them twice before already. Once during a dinner out and then once for drinks after work. She liked both the brother and the girlfriend. There weren't any kids Fay's age at the barbeque, the neighbors kids were all teenagers, but Ryan's parents had set up an easel for her out on the yard since they knew she liked to paint. The easel had a huge canvas and they bought colors for her. She had so much fun painting in front of a large crowd. Of course she charmed the entire garden party and took requests on what to draw. It made Amanda happy to see her daughter's beaming face. Fay seemed to fit right in wherever she went. Both she and Amanda had dressed up a bit but while Fay seemed comfortable here, Amanda felt out of place. She felt like the visitor she was, and it had nothing to do with how Ryan's family treated her. Quite the opposite. Their immediate embrace, their willingness and fond wish for her to become part of their family were so kind and so genuine. She felt that they wanted her there. But it freaked her out.
Amanda knew she was getting ahead of herself but she couldn't help but imagine their engagement party or something like that right here at their yard. Her dad lurking around the bushes as the hermit he was, her mom criticizing everything down to the shape of the ice cubes and her sister breaking something valuable. Like her sister's heart like so often before. She tried to tell herself she was looking years ahead of time. She could grow comfortable here couldn't she? Her family would probably not even bother coming to her wedding anyway. Things would be fine. She could imagine life with Ryan would be sweet. She wanted sweet didn't she?
Fall approached and their relationship just rolled on. He spent a lot of time over at their place. Fay liked having him around. Amanda did too. They had so much in common they always had something to talk about. She let him spend nights in her bed as Fay got comfortable having him around, which she of course did even before Amanda did. Things were fine. Things were calm. They wouldn't stay that way though.
By now she'd already figured out Ryan wasn't someone who just sat by and watched opportunities or moments go by. He lived in the moment. He was generous with his feelings and his expectations for the future. He'd very early on mentioned his desire for kids of his own one day. And she'd heard him mention marriage more than once and he'd hinted once that he thought she would look dashing in white. Of course Amanda just let these little hints go by her, too scared to even thread lightly on them. Perhaps her reluctance to touch on it made him push even harder.
One evening though as they were out having dinner he asked her straight out if she could see marriage and perhaps kids in their future. It took her a little off guard even though she should have seen it coming. She knew he deserved honesty and even though it wasn't her strong suit she managed to somehow get across to him that the thought scared her a little. She brushed by that her childhood didn't give her the best experiences of family life. He'd already figured out she was hiding something about her family. He could see the sadness in her eyes when he tried to probe a little more than she was willing to share as they talked about her family back home in Georgia.
He knew she was a tough cookie to break so to speak. It was part of what made her such a treasure in his eyes. She was like that pearl in a shell that you needed to find, crack open and then it shined brightly at you.
She'd been honest with the gamblers anonymous though so he knew she had it in her. She could share, no pun intended.
He tried to tread lightly, not rush. He after all saw himself spending the rest of his life with her and Fay. He knew he didn't have to rush but still he couldn't help to picture how fun it would be to be there already. At the altar. At delivery. At their own family barbeques in the suburb somewhere. Picture perfect.
There was one thing trouble him a little though. She'd once mention Fay's father being around but so far he'd seen nothing of whoever he was. Ryan wanted Fay to be as much his family as any of his own off-spring and for that he needed to know her father was okay with that. So he asked her.
This was the same night as he'd asked her about marriage and kids and Amanda felt, to say the least, overwhelmed. She'd known he'd asked sooner or later but as usual she pushed it a little to the side, thinking she would have time to go over what to say before he brought it up. She'd mentioned her parents failed marriage during dinner and by dessert she apparently was supposed to serve the little secret that was Fay's father. While trying to bite down the hint of panic that spread through her body she managed to knock over a glass of water in front of her. Thankfully it was the water and not the wine. A waiter was quickly there and helped out.
Amanda felt flustered. Stressed. She lied. Without even thinking it through properly she'd mentioned Rick, Fin's friend that she'd hooked up with so many years ago. She'd said he was the father. She'd met him from time to time over the years, she knew some stuff about him and she fed them to Ryan. Once she'd started she couldn't stop. It just poured out of her. And from the look on Ryan's face he liked that she finally seemed to open up so much about something.
The next day it was Sunday and Fin was surprised by the sharp knock on his door. He was still lounging around his place in his boxers and put his videogame on hold as he went to check who was at the door. The knock was too sharp to be one of his pals, and the time was too early for anyone of them to come around anyway. He was surprised to see Amanda through the peephole, she had Fay in her arms. He opened up the door quickly feeling both happy and worried to see them there. It had been a while since they just popped by and he worried something had happen.
"Fin," Fay shrieked once he open.
"Hey kid," he smiled but quickly looked over at Amanda to find out why she was there.
"You have company?" she asked and seemed relieve when he shook his head. He hadn't been with anyone since they called it off. He had opportunities but he'd just not felt up for it. She passed him without saying anything else but then seemed to change her mind and turned back towards him.
"Can we go out? To the park maybe?" she asked.
"Yay the park," Fay shouted.
She seemed to just be tagging along right now. She was a little confused but she trusted her mom even though she seemed a bit shattered this morning. Her mom had burnt the first few pancakes which was rare and then poured her coffee instead of syrup over her plate. That was fun but a bit crazy and it hadn't tasted good either. Fay did not understand how grownups could drink coffee. Yuck. Then all of a sudden they were going outside but had to run back several times to fetch things they'd forgotten. Fay was used to herself forgetting things, she was barely four after all, but her mom forgetting was rare. Now she was happy to see Fin but wouldn't jump of joy until she knew they were staying and just hadn't taken the wrong turn somewhere.
"Is that okay? The park?" Amanda asked again, too eager even for her. Fin was confuse but nodded.
"Pants," he just said and walked inside to put some on.
"Yes, pants would be good," Fay shouted after him. She thought that would make her mom smile but it didn't really. Nothing seemed to work today.
He'd seen they were properly dressed so he figured it was a bit chilly outside today. He grabbed his black leather jacket and twisted a burgundy scarf around his neck as they stepped outside. He had a park nearby with a playground Fay liked and they headed that way. Amanda let him carry Fay as soon as they got out on the curb. Fin asked Fay how she was doing this morning and called her a chipmunk. His nicknames would usually bring a smile to her face but today it didn't lit up her eyes like it usually did. She seemed a little down and he figured it had something to do with whatever was troubling Amanda.
"I love you Fin," Fay said and wrapped her arms around his neck. He loved hearing it but today it just made him feel iffy. He still refunded the hug. Once at the park the kid hurried towards the swings. Fin pushed her as Amanda walked around them, she seemed unable to stand still. Nervous. Angsty.
"Hey, why don't you go play on that ride with the other kids for a while? Give me a chance to talk to your mom okay?" he said after a while as he lifted her down and pointed her towards some kids on a swing around. Fay shot him a quick glance and then nodded as she took off. She was a smart kid that one Fin thought as he walked around towards were Amanda still was threading back and forth.
"Let's go over here," he said and touched her arm. He headed over to a somewhat secluded space that wasn't too far away from where Fay was at.
"What's up?" he asked as they came to a halt. That made her start pacing though. Fin waited, knew to give her time.
"He asked me about you," she said suddenly and gave him nervous looks. She shook her head suddenly though as she saw the confusion on his face.
"No, not about you. I mean he asked about Fay's dad," she tried to make him understand.
"Ryan asked you? About who Fay's dad is?" Fin needed to make sure and got nods on both questions. She kept pacing a while.
"And you answered…" he finally asked as he couldn't wait.
"I didn't. I lied," she said as she threw out her hands in the air. She brought them up to her head and kept pacing.
"I don't know what I'm doing," she confessed and then everything came rambling out.
They'd apparently been to a dinner just the two of them. He'd talked about marriage. Kids. Freaked her out a little. But he was perfect. Fin tried to hide his frown as she kept describing him in favorable but, to him, icky words even though he was happy he treated her good. He tried to focus on what she was saying and not so much how adorable she looked when upset. Her hair was up in a sloppy bun. She wore black jeans, her plum colored jacket and a brown knitted scarf. Her eyes were big and round and her cheek a bit fiery red either from the slight chilly air or her flaring emotions. He noticed all that but still tried, really tried, to focus on her words.
"But then it all just came out. Rick. Why Rick? And I couldn't stop myself. I gave him Rick's entire story. Just kept going. Dug myself deeper with every word. And it was so easy. Why did I lie? I like Ryan. He's perfect in every way. But I lied him right up in his face. Why did I do that Fin?" she finally just stopped pacing and looked at him. She looked like she needed an answer for him but he didn't have one.
"I don't know," he just said and sounded sad about not being able to guide her. She looked away somewhere into the distance, shook her head and then paced a little more.
"I'm so stupid," she said out loud all of a sudden and again grabbed a hold of her head a little.
"No you're not," Fin said, "he caught you off guard. We've never talked about this scenario. You weren't prepared. I haven't helped either." She'd stopped and looked at him a little from the side. She wished he would give her answers but at least it helped a little that he understood her.
"We should have talked about this sooner," he said and truly meant it. They didn't get a chance right now though as Amanda noticed Fay looking a little lost over by the swing ride. The other kids had apparently left and Fay looked like she wanted to come over to them but didn't dare to since Fin had asked her to leave them alone for a bit. Amanda's heart broke a little as so many times before. That God sent kid of hers. Of theirs. Amanda waved her over and she immediately came running over. Those multi colored tights of her moving with lightning speed as her little legs paddled over the still green grass. She dove into her mom's arms and Amanda picked her off the ground.
"You got stranded," Amanda asked and touched her cheek. Fay nodded. She looked over at Fin as he took a step closer to them. Fay was worried she'd interrupted them in whatever grown up things they were doing.
"You wanna get something to eat?" Fin asked as Amanda looked over at him too. They both nodded almost simultaneous. He had to smile.
"I'm starving," Fay said as they got going. Again Amanda had handed her over to Fin.
"Yeah? You skipped breakfast?" Fin asked as he too touched her cheek. Fay shook her head.
"Mom made coffee pancakes," she said with a raised eyebrow. Fin looked over at Amanda. She just shook her head as in 'don't ask' but then had to smile.
They had brunch at a place nearby. Fay's mood became more chipper and she hogged the entire conversation. Amanda still felt distracted and down by the lie she'd told yesterday, and she worried how she would get out of it. Fay managed to make her smile though and Fin's presence made her feel better. Amanda peeked at him from time to time. He just seemed a bit different. More mellow or something.
Fin noticed that both his girls got a cheerier disposition with food in their tummies. He could tell Amanda was still troubled though. He wasn't sure how he could help her out but he was deadset on trying to and would stay attentive to whatever else she would share with him. The fact she had turned to him made him feel good. It was a step in the right direction for the long road to absolution he'd decided to start.
They enjoyed a long brunch together the three of them and then took a walk around the block. Fay was around the entire time so Fin didn't get a chance to talk more to Amanda about things that were going on. When she said she would head home though he let her know he would look after Fay if she needed to talk to a certain someone. She let him know Ryan was at a baseball game with his friends today. She'd try and catch him tomorrow or at least early next week. He gave both of them a quick hug and then watched them cross the street to where Amanda's car were parked.
Amanda knew she had to correct her wrongdoing as soon as possible. She couldn't live with the lie, not this lie. It was a lie that would affect her entire possible life together with him. A game changer. Owning up to her lie scared her but telling Ryan the truth scared her even more. She'd never said it out loud. She'd never mentioned Fin as the father of her child to anyone. Not to a single person. The words just going around her head scared her so she wasn't sure how she'd handle saying them out loud.
She bit the bullet already on Monday. He'd called her last night, a little bit tipsy she could easily tell. He had a fun day with his mates and his team had won. It wasn't the right time to own up to her lie. Wasn't right to spoil his day. She needed to do this face to face as well.
She waited until Monday to call and ask if she could drop by his place after work. She knew the 'I need to talk to you' would cause concern so she hadn't said it last night. Waited until it was only hours away, giving him less time to worry. He started worrying immediately though, asked what was wrong. She just told him she needed to tell him something, correct a wrong. That seemed to ease his worry a little.
He greeted her at the door with sympathetic eyes, a warm hug and a brief kiss. He'd bought her an iced tea on his way home from work. He was just so sweet she wondered for a while if she couldn't keep the lie on who was Fay's father going. She wasn't sure what the truth would mean for them, for their relationship. She was scared for her daughter's sake too. Telling Ryan meant she had to tell Fay soon too. The more people around her that knew meant more risk of it leaking to her. That could not happen. Her daughter was the most important person to her and would always be.
They'd sat down but soon Amanda had to get up. Get some distance from those kind, understanding, brown eyes of his. She'd tried to keep still and face him as she told him she'd lied. That Rick wasn't Fay's father. That it was in fact Fin, her partner. She could tell the news didn't settle well with Ryan. He'd looked paled, stunned. He touched his hair the way he did when he got nervous and then he'd gotten up of the couch too. He was usually cool and collected but he'd been pacing a little. Hadn't said a word for a while and she'd just waited.
Then he'd asked a few questions. Every question were about her and Fin's relationship. She felt a bit stupid for not thinking about that. How Ryan would deal with knowing she and Fin at least at one point had been intimate but still worked together. She'd been so focused on just facing up to him being the father it hadn't even struck her Ryan might have the biggest problem with her working together with a man she'd once slept with.
She managed to bite through her chin as she nervously chewed on it and felt the taste of blood in her mouth. Felt right for some reason. He'd asked if it was a one night thing, if she'd only slept with him once. She owned up to it being a little more than so even though she didn't tell him the full extent. She made sure he knew it wasn't still ongoing though. She was committed to him she let him know. He'd given her a questionable look right after she'd said that. She didn't think he believed her.
He'd done a little more pacing. When he'd been quiet for some time she said she was so sorry for lying like she did. She wasn't sure why she'd felt the need to but she added she'd always kept the truth about Fay's father a secret to everyone. That only led to him shooting her another questionable look though. After another long silent pause he said he needed to think this over, that he needed to be alone. Of course she didn't argue. She walked to the door but he didn't follow and she let herself out.
Not until she was out on the street could she breathe again. That had been so hard. She hated upsetting others, especially if she was the cause behind it. And this one was all on her.
Fin checked in with her on Tuesday and asked if she'd talked to Ryan. She let him know she had. He of course asked how it ended but Amanda just told him it hadn't yet. Ryan hadn't reached out in any way. It was still early, Fin tried to calm her with. He'll come around with time, you'll see, he said. It didn't make her feel any better though.
Tuesday came and went and she heard nothing from him. Wednesday followed and still nothing. She started to wonder if she should make the first move. Perhaps he was waiting for her to fight for him?
Fin felt as though he was waiting for Ryan's move too. He wasn't sure just how he wanted Ryan's reaction to be though. He wanted Amanda to be happy and he knew Ryan made her happy. But there was still a small part of him that wanted her back. He knew though that with what he'd done it wouldn't just be that easy.
Thursday night he heard that sharp nock on his door again. This time he didn't even look in the peephole but just hurried to get the door open. Fay in Amanda's arms again. Both looking somewhat grim, troubled. Fay didn't even call out his name, she just kept her eyes on him as though she wanted him to act first. Like she needed him to do something. He wasn't sure what was going on though and looked to Amanda for answers.
"Can you take her?" she asked and he figured she was talking about Fay. He nodded. She took a step to him to hand over the kid. He grabbed her and tried to shoot Fay a smile as he did.
"For the night?" he asked once Fay had grabbed a hold of him. Amanda nodded and then dropped Fay's overnight bag right inside the door.
"You okay?" he asked knowing the answer was no. She was worked up about something and now he could tell tears were threatening her. She shook her head.
"I need to jog or something," she said. She was dressed for it Fin noticed.
"Yeah, I need to jog," she said.
"I love you sweetie, see you in the morning," she said and briefly touched her daughter's arm.
"Love you mama," Fay managed to say before Amanda had turned and were half way down the hall. Both Fay and Fin watched her go and then disappear down the staircase. Fin tried to get his mind in order, a thousand thoughts were tumbling around in there. He stepped inside and closed the door. Then he felt the kid looking at him and he looked back at her. He raised his eyebrows at her.
"Ryan splift up with us," Fay said with a sad sounding tone.
"He did, did he?" Fin asked and Fay nodded as she pulled a big sigh. The girl had a flare for drama that was for sure.
"Not with you though, no one will ever split up from you munchkin," he said and pulled her in a little tighter.
She smiled and put her arms around his neck. She was obviously sad about it though and he wouldn't joke it away he thought as he stroked her back with his big hand. She let him go after a while and took a closer look at his chain around the neck that she'd grabbed a hold off while they were hugging. He looked at her intensely as she kept fondling the chain with her tiny and perfect little fingers. She finally lost interest and gave him a look. The smile he got looked a little less forced than earlier and it looked as though she felt a little bit better.
"Have you eaten?" he asked and she shook her head.
"Okay so let's eat first then, I'm starving," he said and headed towards the kitchen. She leaned her head comfortable against his as he had a look in his fridge.
"Okay, so you wanna make something or you wanna eat out?" he asked when he realized he didn't have much leftovers in there. He heard and felt Fay sigh loudly. He turned his head so he could have a look at her, her lip was pouting just the way Amanda's did at times. It made him smile. He bounced her once on his arm to get her talking.
"I feel sad so I don't feel like making anything but I don't feel like being out in public either." He had to hold in the laughter that was threatening down his gut. He wished she still had that romper that Munch got her as an infant that said Drama Queen on the front.
"Well that's what take-out's for," he said instead and headed towards the phone. He got the pile of take-out menus that he stocked behind it and was about the spread them out for her on the table. It seemed she'd already picked though.
"Can we have pizza?" she asked and sounded thrilled. He gave her a look, they both knew Amanda wasn't a big fan of pizza too often but this was one night Fin figured.
"Of course we can," he said and placed a kiss on the girl's smiling cheek.
"Just tomato on your side as usual?" he asked as he grabbed the phone and she nodded.
"Or maybe just pineapple," she said as she suddenly changed her mind.
"Yeah?" he asked as he heard the first dial tone. She took a quick think but then shook her head.
"Or yeah. Maybe. No," she settled with.
"How about I have some on my side and you can try a few?" She nodded as she liked the idea and he put in the order for a family pizza. No need to be skimpy he figured and he also got a large bottle of coke. Home delivery was a good way to not have to carry a heavy load home, might as well grab the opportunity.
A little later they pigged out on his couch. He tried to lure her to watch a basketball game but they ended up watching some cartoon that, to him, looked like an animated version of the Kick-ass movies. Fay happily told him the entire plot though and then even showed some moves that her favorite Kitty Ko could do. He loved the character's name. And he loved watching Fay trying to copy the kung fu moves they did on the screen.
Even though she seemed to have cheered up a little the whole Ryan deal was clearly still on her mind. After dinner as they cuddled up on the couch, both a little stuffed from all the pizza they'd eaten, the cartoons didn't really work to derail her thoughts.
"Do you think mama is okay?" she asked without letting the TV go with her eyes.
"Yeah, she'll be fine," Fin told her and stroked her hair a little. His hand remained in her hair, playing with the tiny braids that right now decorated part of her hair.
"Can we call her?" Fin looked over at the watch on the wall. She'd dropped Fay off only like an hour and a half ago and she was probably out running still. He wasn't sure if she'd drove with her cab or took a cab or something. If she'd planned to run from his house to hers she'd still be out there probably.
"Let's give her a little more time okay, she's probably still out running," he let her know and she seemed to settle with that.
"You think I can call Ryan?" she asked after a little while though.
"I think Ryan needs some time to himself also," Fin said and hoped he wouldn't have to explain it further.
"You think I'll ever see him again?" He thought about that one for a second.
"I don't know sweetie," he then told her honestly. She got up from where she was sitting and climbed up into his lap and faced him.
"I'll never ever see him again?" she asked and he could tell by the slight shiver on her lower lip that tears weren't far off.
"You know what," he said and tried to scramble his brain quickly, "grownups are tricky sometimes. I know Ryan loved you very much. And that won't ever change but it's just that he'll probably not be able to be around your mom right now."
"Cause his heart is broken?" she asked with that outmost adorable and sweet voice of hers that made it hard for Fin not to smile. He nodded.
"Yes, his heart is a bit broken but with time he'll be fine. Your mom will be fine too. And you'll feel better too," he said and put a light finger on her chest. She seemed to think about it for a while and then took a deep breath.
"I just liked the idea of having a dad," she said and fell forward to lean on him. Fin wrapped his arms around her. That had hurt. He didn't like the thought of her being sad and it pained him a little to hear she was missing a dad when he was sitting right there.
A little later they tried calling Amanda and she picked up knowing it would be Fay wanting to check in. Fin didn't get to say more than 'hi' and 'you okay' to which she answered 'hi' and 'yeah'. The latter one didn't sound too convincing though. Fay got to talk a few more words with her mom but Fin made sure Fay kept it short too knowing Amanda needed time on her own to work things out. Fay let him know she was still out running which made him worry she would wear herself out if she kept it up too long. It was getting dark too and he didn't like the thought of her out there on her own. Best he could do for her right now was to keep her daughter safe though so he concentrated on that.
They started to get ready for bedtime not soon after the phone call and Fin went through the bag Amanda had packed. Everything was in there just a little bit scrambled, seemed Amanda had been in a hurry when she packed. He found the night gear and lined them up on his bed until after the bath. He brushed her teeth while she was in the bath. Fay always liked when he did things a little differently. She would later have a cookie and a glass of milk though so they would have to do it all over again. Which Fay found funny of course.
She said she wanted to dress herself for the night so he let her be for a while and went out to clear the living room table meanwhile. She soon came skipping out and she headed straight for his book shelf. He wasn't surprised to see her dig out a pile of photos and an album that lay on the bottom shelf. It wouldn't be the first time she'd gone through them. It was old photos mostly of Ken but there were some of Fin in there too. She was careful going through them. Amanda had told her to be many times in the past.
"You look so funny Fin," she said as she held up a photo so he could see. Her laughter sang all the way over to him and pulled him in.
"Not funny, I'm cool," he said as he came over and sat down next to her. He grabbed the photo from her as he winked at her. Boy was he young in that one. He still had hair, and a lot of it. He couldn't be more than 20 he figured.
"And Ken is so cute," Fay mused as she looked at a photo when he was just a baby.
"Yeah, you can hardly recognize him," Fin joked and Fay made a face to him. The kid knew humor. Fin loved it.
They went through a lot of photos and Fin lifted her over into his lap after a while. He wanted her closer. They looked at photos of Fin's mom and grandmother. Fay spotted Teresa in a photo and said she hadn't aged at all. Fin smiled as it made Fay sound like an old lady saying that. She knew he had some photos of her and of her mom there too and soon found them. Like any kid she liked seeing herself on photos.
He had actually not long ago gone through these same photos and he'd collected some that were spread around the apartment a bit so Fay spotted a few she didn't know he had. Not that she realized she was looking at new ones though. But she laughed at one he'd taken while Fay was still in her mom's belly. Amanda didn't like having her picture taken, ever, and especially not when she was pregnant. So she was sitting on a bench looking a bit grumpy. He remembered when he'd taken that one.
It'd been only the week before Fay was born actually. He'd teased her about her waddling, which she of course never really did but he just liked teasing her about it since she got so angry. But she had been clumsy, which was usually his department so he liked it when she'd gotten a touch of it too. She'd dropped her soda just as they'd crossed the street and he'd sat her down there to run back over to get her a new one. She didn't like the damsel in distress deal but he'd known she'd been thirsty. He'd forced her to model for a photo though before he gave it to her. Not the best idea if you wanted a photo of a smiling person. But he still really liked that photo. He'd gotten wacked when he handed her the soda.
Fay was looking at a photo of her and her mom right now and Fin noticed she touched her own hair.
"How come my mama has different hair than I do?" she suddenly asked. Fin looked at the photo but was forced to meet the girl's eyes as she turned her head around to look at him.
"Well," he said and touched the hair they were talking about, "it's so I can tell you and your mom apart." Fay looked at him without changing her face for a few seconds but then she smiled.
"Do'h I'm shorter," she said and giggled. Fin chuckled and stroked that mane of hers. She seemed to like the answer though. She did pick up a card of Ken when he was about her age though and she said;
"My hair looks like Ken's, just different color."
"Yeah it does," Fin said and kissed the top of her head.
He read her to sleep later that night and sat there and watched her sleep for a bit. When he got out into the living room he thought about calling, or at least texting, Amanda but decided not to. He watched a recap of the earlier basketball game and then found a game that was still on. He felt tired though and decided to join the munchkin to dreamland. Fay came rolling over not long after he'd lie down and he fell asleep with her little hand splayed out on the side of his face. He didn't mind at all though.
Fay slept through the entire night and so did Fin. He slept so good that night and didn't even wake up when she entered the room early the next morning. He only woke up as he felt the bed shift a little as she lay down on the other side of Fay. He opened his eyes with a deep inhale and spotted her blonde hair on the other side of a mane of blonde afro. A yawn escaped first but then he got his hand underneath his head so he got up enough to be able to catch at least one of her eyes. She had hers on her daughter's back but soon came up to meet his. He could tell she'd been crying during the night, her eyes were still red. At least she was there he thought though and shot her a tiny smile.
She did her best to smile back. She stroked her daughter's back and leaned in to kiss her hair. Fin moved up a little on his pillow meanwhile so he could get a better look at her.
"You okay?" he asked. She gave it a few minutes, she had her eyes on her sleeping daughter. Then she shook her head. It made his smile vanish. He felt like probing but wasn't sure where to start.
"I hurt him and that hurts me," she finally whispered, "he was one of the good ones, he deserved better."
"You are better," he had to say. She met his eyes.
"I didn't love him. I could never love him," she looked sad, "It's always just been you. I cannot love anyone the way I love you. I have to just settle with that." She held his eyes for a while but then looked down. She took a deep breath to keep the tears down. If she even had some left.
"I brought breakfast, I'll set the table. Will you try and get her going?" she asked and gracefully left the bed without shifting in too much. He watched her leave. She loved him. He probably already knew that but hearing it felt… not as good as he'd hoped. She was sad. She shouldn't have to settle for anything. She deserved more than that. But he feared he would only bring more grief to her life if he ever tried to be anything more than her partner.