Content

by MorbidPet17

A Finanda love story. It follows our favorite detective team Rollins and Tutuola as they go through the ups and downs of being partners with benefits so to speak. Trying to keep their relationship a secret is straining. They will encounter two major life crisis and a few hiccups along their way can they make it work?

33. Regrets

Major smut warning on this chapter. I blush just thinking about what I wrote :X
And then hold on to your seat, scary cliffhanger at the end. It will be the last one though, this fanfic will soon wrap up for good.

XXX

He gave her room the next couple of days but did pry. Or not pry, more that he showed concern. He'd ask her as they were on their way to a case or when they saw each other first thing in the morning, how she was doing. Even though she kept it short she gave him enough information to know where her head was at. He knew he had a part in their break-up and with everything that had been going on lately he wanted to do what little he could do to ease the guilt and sorrow he knew she felt for hurting Ryan.

It didn't go unnoticed by Amanda that Fin showed concern about her state of mind. But he did it with words and not physical contact as they usually did. He volunteered to go pick up Fay after work too so she could go for a run and once even suggested she'd go catch this new movie that he read about and thought she would like. She took him up on that offer actually and with time her blues seemed to thin out. She would always carry some regret with how she handled the whole Ryan business. In hindsight she could see how her inability to share her feelings with him caused a lot of unnecessary heartache.

Which was the same problem she had with Fin she realized. If only they could be better at this whole letting each other in on how they felt and all, things could be different couldn't it? She could see some change in him. She knew for a fact he hadn't touched a drop of alcohol since, she chose to think of it as 'the incident'. And he was clearly more attentive to her feelings and she hoped it wasn't something he just did cause he felt guilt or something but that it was a change that was here to stay. He hadn't initialized physical contact since the incident. When she thought of it they hadn't even hugged for weeks now and she could feel herself longing to be near him again.

She'd been forward enough to ask him if he'd hooked up with someone lately. And with lately obviously meant while she was with Ryan. He'd just shook his head first and she'd thought she had to settle with that but was surprised when he after a slight pause answered her as well.

"I'm taking a break from that too. Alcohol and that urge will take a back seat until I can prove I'm its master." He had to keep his eyes on the road but she'd watched him and saw on his face the sincerity behind his words. She wasn't sure what to say but it didn't feel as though she had to reply. At the next light he turned to her and the sad smile on his face told her just how much he hurt too about the incident. She was able to give him a weak smile back and gave him a small nod right before the lights turned and he had to turn his attention back on the road.

She turned her head too as she felt her eyes watering up some. It was really all so stupid how their inability to talk to each other landed them in such stupid situations over and over again. Why was it so hard to open up to him? And she felt he had the same problem towards her and couldn't understand why it had to be this way. She too figured she had to master her urges a little and decided she would try and work it all out in her head before she acted on any need her body might experience while near him.

Fin had spent a lot of time with Fay lately. He'd already known she was a cool kid and a delight to be around but it was only now he realized just how good he felt when around her and her mom. Sure her mom had the ability to drag out both good and bad in him but the kid surely only brought good out of him. He tried to get her to enjoy videogames a little bit more than she did at present but it was a slow progress and most of the time he found himself doing what she liked. And to his surprise actually liking it.

Today drawing had been her choice as they waited for her mom to get dinner ready. Fin had never been good at it but in Fay's eyes he was a mastermind graffiti artist. She had him draw her name in big, bulky, colorful letters ever so often and she loved every single piece he made for her. Today though he struggled with the dog she'd requested instead of her name in graffiti. He sighed for the millionth time but by now Fay just ignored him. She'd tried to encourage him earlier but then all he did was ask if he couldn't trace his police badge instead. She'd told him she didn't want a badge, that policework wasn't for her. Once the dog's tail was in place but Fin didn't feel like showing the pitiful canine to her he enquired about her sudden change in not wanting to be a cop like her mom.

"So you don't want to be a detective when you grow up then Fay?" Fin asked. The girl shook her head without looking at him.
"You know what you want to be?" he asked and she nodded with intensity but with her eyes still glued to the crayon that she moved over the paper to make it as colorful as the rest of her paintings.
"Tell me," he urged having the patience of a child. She looked up at him and gave him that bright smile of hers.

"I want to be the person that paints the lines on the road," she declared very proudly. Fin made a face.
"Huh, say what?"
"You heard me," she said, sounding very much like her mother, and started to paint again, "I'm going to be the one that paints white lines down the roads."

"Why on earth would you want to do that?" Fin asked. She kept moving the crayon over the painting as she told him;
"Well don't you see, he gets to go all over the world. He gets to see every street everywhere. And he gets paid while doing it," she looked up and gave him a 'duh' face, "He's like Santa but doesn't have to deliver any toys or have kids with runny noses in his lap. He just sits in his truck and get to paint as he sees the whole world. I can't think of a better job than that."

She grabbed a new crayon and started with that color on the paper. Fin tried his best to not laugh out loud but couldn't contain it for long. Fay shook his head at him but with a smile as she continued painting.
"Oh you kill me," he said as he could catch his breath again and he reached out and touched her head.

"Okay, show me how straight a line you can paint then. I don't want to go down crocked streets you know." Fay immediately got up and came over to stand in front of Fin. With her red crayon she draw a not so straight line on Fin's paper.
"I'm thinking I'm going to use different colors though. You know just not white," Fay told him, "that way it would be easier for folks to find their homes as well. They could say they live on the street with the purple line."
"I think that's an awesome idea," Fin said and actually wasn't being sarcastic. Fay shot him a look over her shoulder and smiled. She was truly an amazing kid and he couldn't contain himself. He had to grab her and tickle her on the couch. He stopped only when she declared that she was going to pee in her pants. Amanda, who had watched them from across the room, felt it was a good queue for her to let them both know dinner was ready.

It was situations like that, when he paid Fay attention and showed her affection, combined with his apparent shift in temperament that really started to make Amanda feel that desire for him again. She'd owned up to him, in a weak moment but still, that she loved him. She remembered saying something about settling and she wasn't sure that had been completely fair to him but she had been honest with how she felt at that moment. She wanted honesty to be a vital part of their relationship from now on. If they would ever have a future it had to be honest. She really didn't want to just go back to casual sex but her body and mind fought an unspoken war lately.

She did see change in him and hoped it meant something positive for their future but on the other hand she could settle with what they had before if that was all she could get. Not the most exhilarating thought perhaps but what she had before with Fin was more than exhilarating. It had been earth moving most of the time. And she started to long for that. For him.

But with the incident still fresh in mind it wasn't that simple. It did leave her feeling a bit uneasy just thinking about being near him again. She had forgiven but she hadn't forgotten the conflicting feelings. The shame and the doubt in herself that he'd caused her.

Her new catchphrase was 'the best way out is always through'. At her latest appointment with dr Olivet they'd discussed Amanda's inclination to run from things. Of course Amanda hadn't told her anything about the incident but the split from Ryan had been brought up. Olivet urged her to try and 'sit through some feelings instead of trying to push them down or run from them'. All Amanda could think of right there and then was how Fin would laugh out loud if he'd heard that. But the more she thought about it the more she understood Olivet had a valid point. She did run from things ever so often. So she remembered something she'd read somewhere in the past. The best way out is always through. So she decided to run through and not from this time around.

He wasn't expecting anyone but figured it had to be one of his buddies since it was rather late in the evening. He checked the peephole and was surprised to see Amanda outside. She was leaning against the doorframe. He opened the door quickly.

"Hey," he said surprised with a smile on his face. She just gave him a nod. He couldn't get a good read on her face. She didn't look upset but she had a slight aura of nervousness around her. She kept quiet which made it even harder for him to read her.

"You wanna come inside?" he asked. She gave him a nod after a slight hesitation and once he stepped to the side she quickly pushed herself off the doorframe and walked by him. He watched her take her boots off as he closed the door behind her. He waited while she hung her jacket by the door and then followed her inside. She stopped suddenly though but as he'd been watching her every move he stopped before he walked into her. She spun around and faced him. She'd caught her lower lip with her teeth. His eyes narrowed a little as he studied her. He was just about to ask if she wanted something to drink when she let her lip go and finally spoke.

"How are you doing with all that master of your domains matter" Her eyes went unconsciously down to his crotch for a second but it still didn't click straight away for him. She could see on his face when the coin finally dropped though.

"You think you have it handled now?" she asked and he liked the cheeky look on her face. He nodded with self-confidence. It looked as though she was about to turn towards his bedroom but changed her mind with a serious face and said;

"I'm in charge." He nodded immediately. When she didn't move he feared she'd taken a step she wasn't ready for but then she suddenly put her hands around his wrists for leverage as she got up on her toes and kissed him. She tasted peppermint he noticed as she open up her mouth slowly. She leaned back down on her feet and repeated;

"I'm in charge." He nodded again. She kept her hand around one of his wrists and led him towards his bedroom. He was more than willing to follow her anywhere.

Once in the bedroom he remained where she let him go and watched her go through the dark room to his bed panel to turn the upward lights on. She had her head turned away from him but her voice was enough to send shivers down his spine as she said quietly;
"Take your clothes off and get on the bed."

He wasn't used to taking orders in the bedroom but he could get used to this. He tried to contain himself though, knowing it was important he did and he removed his clothes slowly but focused not letting her go with his eyes. She'd walked over to the windows to pull the curtains shut. He only had sweatpants, boxers and a tee on so he was done rather quickly, before she'd even removed a single piece of her clothing. He'd never been shy about his own body and he climbed up on the bed and laid down on his back. He put one hand underneath his head to come up a little so he could watch her.

She didn't offer a strip show, just removed piece by piece but it was still the most sensual undressing he'd ever seen. He was happy to see that she even removed her tee and completely naked she crawled up next to him. Her hair was out and fell forward over her chest, making her nipples tease his eyes between strands of hair. He moved his eyes up to hers as she bent down slowly to put her lips on his. He stayed complete still and closed his eyes as her lips covered his. He let her take charge, let her set the pace, just followed her move. Her tongue played around his lips for a while before it entered slowly. As she intensified the kiss he felt her move across his body. He opened up his eyes a little only to meet just a hint of her blues.

He fought the urge to raise his hand and place it on her as he removed it from underneath his head. Instead he let it rest next to his body just as his other hand. She had one hand on the side of his face and she used the other one for leverage right underneath his arm as she got her leg over him and down on the other side of him. She stayed on her knees, making the only contact with him the slight contact her thighs had with his sides, the soft touch of her hair on his chest and shoulders, her hand on his face and her lips on his. She let go of his face and moved her hand down to his chest and as she slowly sat down on his midriff she moved the other hand up to his chest too. The harder contact with her thighs and the tickling feel of her pubic hair on his stomach sent electric jolts down to his growing erection. He managed to stay planted though and let her have the control she'd asked for.

With her mouth still attached to his she pushed herself further down over him. He focused on his breathing as he felt her come down over his hard-on. He watched her close her eyes as she rubbed herself up against him and he so desperately wanted to touch her face. Wanted to caress all that wild hair back so he could see all of her beautiful face but he clutched the bedspread underneath his palms and held tight to respect her wishes. He felt one of her hands travel down between them. She brought it down between her own legs and started rubbing her fingers back and forth between her folds. She let his mouth go as she felt the need to breathe harder and she ended up resting her forehead close to his mouth. He closed his eyes and just listen to her breathing picking up, her panting that increased with the faster her hand went between them.

He felt her hip move slightly, the muscles in her legs flexed at times and the back of her hand rubbed up against him as she caressed herself. Feeling all that and her panting right by his ear left him in a situation he'd never been in before. Feeling and hearing her pleasing herself was something of the most erotic he'd ever experienced. When she felt ready she pulled her hand up and then she got back up on her knees. Fin opened his eyes to see her when she grabbed a hold of him. She looked down as she guided herself down over him but as soon as he got inside her she tossed her head back up with a pleasurable groan. He fought hard to not move up against her as her groan got his entire body trembling. Or perhaps it was the way she felt around him. She was wet and warm and when she got all the way to his core she shivered slightly the way she did when he hit just the right spot.

Her hands had been barely touching him but now she put her palms down flat on his stomach as she opened her eyes back up. He caught her foggy gaze as she pushed herself up slowly only to fall back down just as slowly. She used her hands and her legs to repeat it and she got into a slow but steady rhythm. Her eyes kept falling shut with pleasure and she ended up raising her head to the ceiling as soft moans escaped her throat. He watched her, watched them. Her toned thighs as they worked to get her hip moving up and down on top of him. Himself the few seconds she was up and then as he disappeared inside that inviting warm cave of hers. He felt her nails dig into his skin every time she got down to his core. He watched the muscles over her stomach work as waves of satisfaction beamed through her, the way every deep inhale made her ribcage stand out and that slight bounce in her small breasts every time she came down over him. He watched the veins in her neck, how her hair started to stick to the back of her neck and the visible desire all over her face.

She slowed down her pace a little and when she opened her eyes they stared at each other, now both with foggy eyes. She bit her lip and he so desperately wanted to touch her. As she sensed it she came back down over him. Her perky nipples felt like ice as they reached his chest and her soft hair felt electrical as it washed down over him. He welcomed her lips and let her tongue straight in. He'd clutched the bedspread without knowing it but as her hands came down over his arms he turned his hands over so her palms could slip over his. Their fingers entwined but he made sure she could slip out if she wanted to. She'd stopped moving up and down and instead moved her hip back and forth over him. They kissed but had to come up for air every now and then. He felt her starting to leave him again and let out a moan of dislike as her body separated from his. She let go of his hands but grabbed a hold of one of them and brought it back up with her as she sat up over him again.

He watched her with his hand between both of hers. She unfolded his hand and placed his palm right above her pelvic bone. Her pubic hair tempted him to go down but he let her guide his hand up her body instead. She had a grip around his wrist and the other hand held on to one of his fingers. She pushed his hand up, slipping on the slight shimmer of sweat that now graced her body. He enjoyed the way she felt underneath his palm. She kept moving her hip back and forth. He knew that when he was that deep inside her, all the way to the core, he could touch a spot that would make her scream. But she decided where he could go and he was fine with it. He could stay here the entire night, that's how much he enjoyed this.

She dragged his hand up between her breasts, his hand was wide enough to graze them though. She moved it up over her throat and she let it stay there awhile. She moved her hand from his wrists and pushed his hand hard around her own throat. He felt every breath underneath his palm and he watched her eyes almost roll up into its own sockets as she tilted her hip so he touched that weak spot inside of her. She looked amazing.

She tilted her hip back up and managed to get some sense back. She interlocked her eyes with his as she pushed his hand even further up. Smoothly she pushed two of his fingers inside her mouth and the sensation ran down his arm as she sucked on hard. She kept his eyes with hers as she played around with his fingers in her mouth. Every time she latched on with suction it sent shivers down his arm and out of his groin. He knew she played with him and he enjoyed it to the fullest. Her saliva over his fingers made a trail as she pushed his hand downwards again. She stopped by her breast and helped him squeezed it hard. He wanted to stay and play with her nipple but didn't object as she brought his hand down even further. She placed it on her hip and then reached down to grab his other hand. He came to meet her and let her guide it to her other hip.

He let his hands just rest there, enjoying just feeling her skin underneath his palm, as she again started to move up and down over him. He could feel her muscles working underneath his palms and as her rhythm got faster and harder he started to feel the muscles inside her work as well. Her breath became very heavy very fast. Her palms had been resting on his stomach again but now he started to feel her nails dig into him with every overwhelming wave that ran through her body. It didn't hurt, just added to his own pleasure. She'd moved her knees out even further from him, making her come down even deeper on top of him and every time she reached the core of him he hit that spot that made her plead out a little every time he touched it. He could see on her eyes, on her face, that she wasn't far off.

She managed to get control of her voice for a bit and she asked him:
"Are you ready to?" Her tongue swept over her lips as he nodded. He knew exactly what she meant. He knew he'd be able to come inside her the second he let himself go.

"Not before me okay?" it was more a demand than a question but he nodded again so she'd know he got her. She stayed low, grinded him hard back and forth. She kept going for a while, he could see frustration spread over her face. He'd seen it before on her face, when she wanted to come so hard she almost blocked herself. He knew ways to help her out but this was her ride and he'd only do it if she gave the go ahead. She grabbed a hold of his hands as tiny whimpers escaped her throat and their fingers entwined in the air between them, palms pushing hard against each other. She'd avoided his eyes as heated frustration flushed over her but now he managed to interlock his eyes with hers.

His face made her feel calm and as he felt her relax just a little above him he moved his knees up, making his own hip tilt slightly. She felt the movement and then got back into the deep, fast rhythm. It was all she needed. Within seconds she cried out and he held her up with his palms against hers as her walls caved in around him. He watched her with a smile and tried to hold it in for just a few more seconds knowing his orgasm would bring her back over again and only prolong her own pleasure. Just as he felt her peek he released and couldn't help but push his hip up in hard, rhythmic convulsions as he poured out inside of her.

Just as expected it made her travel back up that peek and she cried out yet again. He let her fall down over him as the orgasm wore off slowly. He could still feel her walls pulsating around him and he took it all in. The way she felt against his body, her heart beat pumping hard against him, her panting near his ear. He appreciated it all. Felt joy that he hadn't spoiled it all, that he could still have this.

She let his hands go and let them run up around his head. He dared to move his hands up over her back. Just carefully caressed her back, moving around the dampness that covered her entire body. He loved this. Having her near. He never wanted to lose this.

They laid there for a rather long time. She lay completely still, still coming down from the mind blowing orgasm she'd just had and only let her fingers play a little over his clean cut scalp. She loved the way he smelled after sex, the way he felt against her, inside her. He was still inside her and she knew he would be as long as she didn't move so she stayed there for a while, just enjoying being one with him. Finally though she slowly slipped down to his side. He kept his arm around her and caressed away damp hair from her face as she placed her head on the side of his chest.

God she was gorgeous he thought to himself. She looked up at him and gave him a shy smile. Her eyes were starting to clear up from the aroused fog that had covered them earlier. Her cheeks were still flushed and combined with the damp hair around her face it told him a story of fulfilled lust. Her eyes shied away from his but he squeezed her shoulder and leaned down to kiss the top of her head to make her know she had nothing to feel shy about. She snuggled in a little closer to him and he let his fingers run circles on her shoulder as they just breathed slowly together.

"Can I stay the night?" she whispered after a while.
"Of course," he answered quickly and squeezed her shoulder a little again. It made him happy she would stay.
"Fay?" he asked though.
"I left her at Eva's. Said it might be for the night," she let him know.
"I'm glad you're staying," he said quietly as he held her eyes with his. He could see that made her happy to hear.

They stayed in bed for a while. Lay on top of the bedspread, completely bare. She was shielded a bit by his body but he made no attempts to cover himself. It still wasn't really bedtime though so finally they both started to stir. Amanda stole his tee before he could grab it and pulled it over her own head. She gave him a cheeky smile as she pulled it down. He tried to look miffed but failed as he loved seeing her in his clothes and headed over to his dresser to get a new one for himself.

She tip toed into the bathroom to use the can as he pulled a new tee and his old boxers back on.

"I feel like tea, you want some?" he asked and shot her a look. She was on the can with the door open. She nodded. He turned to leave but kept his eyes on her. He still felt a bit overjoyed she was staying and it was fun to see her on his toilet. She gave him a questionable glare but couldn't hide her smile well enough for him to even think she minded him looking. Finally though he turned his head too though as he didn't get through the door frame properly. He heard her smirk at his clumsiness but just kept walking towards the kitchen with a smile on his face.

He got the kettle on and then put down two mugs on the counter. He found the box with the chamomile tea he knew she liked and put a bag in each mug. He wasn't tired but felt a bit drowsy and yawned as he turned to look out the window for a bit. The sky was clear, lots of stars out. They'd said on the TV that the temperature would be low tonight, fall was here and winter soon approaching. He didn't mind though, Christmases these last few years had been fun. And it was all thanks to that little one he'd helped create.

His thoughts had made him inattentive and he got startled when he suddenly felt her hands come around his waist from the back.
"Sorry," she whispered as she wrapped her arms completely around him and pressed her body to his back.
"No worry," he smiled.
"Stargazing?" she asked. He got his hands off the counter and let them run up her thighs and up over her ass. He got a bit disappointed when he felt she'd put panties back on but it soon disappeared.

"No need to, I have my star right here," his smile widen as he thought he'd been so smart.
"Ass-kisser," she teased. She'd tried to keep a stern voice but it failed as he squeezed her butt cheeks and she started to giggle.
"Oh I can kiss your ass if you want me to," he teased back. She let him go as he spun around and it looked as though she was trying to get away but he managed to grab her before she was able to and he brought her into his arms.
"Oh no," she giggled.
"Oh yes," he chuckled as his got his lips on her temple. She squirmed a bit but his hands were all over and keeping her tight. She tried to bend her head away as his mouth went down over her ear. He fought to kiss her and then let his tongue out to touch her ear.
"Sick," she giggled so much it was hard to hear what she was saying. He managed to shove his tongue in her ear in a playful manner but then had to stick it back in as he was chuckling so much he risked biting himself in the process.

The kettle started to make a sound it had enough and it got them to set back down a bit. He got her to spin around towards her and before he let her go he placed a kiss on her lips. His tongue made a quick visit inside her mouth before he headed over to the stove. She slapped his arm a little before he was out of reach.

"You know where that tongue just were right?" he teased as he grabbed the kettle.
"Well not my ass at least," she shot back but the raised eyebrow she got from him just made her giggle and shake her head. He poured hot water in the two mugs and Amanda grabbed them to bring into the living room.

He joined her on the couch a few seconds later. She'd put the TV on and found a pre-season basketball game that could be good to watch. He sat down on the other side of the couch from her, they'd found their way back to their usual places. He offered her the box of cereal that he'd brought with him but just got a raised eyebrow from her.

"No?" he asked with a smile, "more for me." She hid her smile with the tea mug but found it was still too hot and let it sit in her lap for a while longer. She tried to focus on the game but had to look over from time to time at him as he was shoving cereal straight from the box into his mouth. He knew she was looking but paid it no attention and just smiled as he kept munching on his favorite food.

This felt very much like five years ago. And just two hours later when she was snoozing peacefully on his arm in his dark bedroom it was his turn to watch her. He carefully, so not to wake her, wiped away some strands of hair that had fallen over her face as she finally found a comfortable spot on his arm to fall asleep on. Yes this felt very much like five years ago but it was five years down the line, a baby and a lot of heart ache later. Sure a lot of laughter and good times but any heart ache was a bad thing. He knew now that he wanted her there every night and he somehow needed to let her know. He felt ready to open up, to really let her in. The thought both scared him and made him happy but he knew he couldn't pass up any more opportunities. He would not hurt her again, not intentionally.

"I love you," he whispered and kissed her forehead before he lay down and closed his eyes. He fell asleep lulled by her peaceful snoozes and with a warm feeling around his heart.

They rode in together to work the next day. She had her car outside his house and he lived only minutes from the station. She had the same outfit as yesterday but didn't think anyone would notice anyway. They had a difficult case on their hands. A woman who kept naming different assailants to her sexual assault was making it hard for them to get a grip on the story. So far they'd questioned five potential assailants. Amanda was dead set on it being this one sleazeball but Amaro was leaning towards another suspect. She would, of course, be right at the end but they weren't there just yet and it became a long night and another few days.

By Friday though they had it all settled and could wrap up early. Fin asked if he could come with her and she didn't have a problem with it.
"Could be fun to see the kid," he said. He hadn't been able to see her this week cause of the case and he still didn't want to just invite himself over so Amanda would think he wanted a quick fix like all the previous times. Sure he wanted to see the kid but most of all he wanted to hang out with both of them. He hoped being around them, being around Amanda, would make him open up to her about a few things he now felt ready to share with her.

They stopped by Eva's to pick up Fay. Esteban opened the door and he and Fin did they're hand salute while Amanda went inside. Fin had been a big support for Esteban a few years back when he had some trouble with bullies in school. Fin had stopped by his school after classes once or twice making sure the blue lights on his car was on and his badge was showing. Just talking to Esteban and the kid getting to tell his class mates Fin was his friend made him rise a little on the social latter. Of course it was a deeper problem than that but with Fins help Esteban got a little more 'gusto in his pants' as Fin put it.

Amanda found Eva and the kids in the kitchen playing memory but Fay broke the formation as soon as she saw her mom. She jumped up into her arms and Amanda gave her a big hug.
"Hey rat, guess who's with me?" she said and Fay squealed as she wiggled down from her mom's embrace and ran to the door.
"Fin baby," she heard her daughter scream and she could picture how she jumped up into his arms. It made her smile.

"Hi Johnny, you okay today?" Amanda asked as she roughed up his hair a little. The boy just nodded as he was turning over every single memory card on the table knowing the game was over anyway.
"Hi Eva, how was your day?" she turned to his mother instead.
"Fine thank you. Yours?" Eva said as she cleared the table of some dishes and brought them over to the sink.
"Okay."
"Everyone's safe?" Eva asked and Amanda nodded.

"Good. You'll find a note from the teacher in your daughter's backpack," Eva said with the same kind smile on her face.
"Oh no, what did she do this time?" Amanda sighed. It happen about once a month her daughter managing to get into some sort of trouble in preschool. Mostly it was innocent enough but it still wasn't good.

"She said it was the frog's fault," Eva smiled and looked very amused.
"Frog?" Amanda couldn't help but smile but then sighed.
"I better read the letter I guess?" she said and Eva nodded.

"Fay, say bye and thank you to Eva," Amanda shouted over her shoulder.
"Thanks Eva. Bye Johnny," Amanda said as she headed for the door. Her daughter came running past her and she heard her say bye and thank you. Good manners were important to Amanda, especially when it was directed to a godsend like Eva. Fin was hanging in the door chatting up Esteban.

"Grab your backpack," Amanda said as she heard her daughter come running up behind her. She froze mid-step and turned to get her bag that she of course had forgotten in the kitchen. She still managed to reach the door before her mom though and jumped up into Fin's arms again. Fin took the backpack from her and hung it over one of his arms as he placed Fay on the other one.

"Later Est'ban," Fin said and the two gave each other knuckles. Fay giggled at them. Amanda touched the boy's head as she walked by. Fin took lead up the stairs.

"What's this about some frog and a note from your teacher?" Amanda asked as they walked up the stairs. She saw her daughter's eyes briefly before she shamefully buried her face on Fin's shoulder. Fin glanced back at Amanda.
"Squirt, haven't I taught you better, why are you keep getting busted," Fin said and patted the kid's butt.
"What?" he asked as Fay apparently was saying something into his shoulder. Fay's head popped back up and she pouted her lips.
"It was the frog's fault. And Cameron's," Fay started but Amanda interrupted her.
"What have I told you about blaming others Fay?" Amanda scolded and looked at her daughter with a serious face.

The girl admitted it was her fault, well mostly but someone named Cameron and someone named Carol was also to blame. Fin tried to listen intensely. Fay's speech was really coming along but there were still words Fin didn't get. But he got that Cameron's sister, Carol, who was in some higher grade at the school had told him, Cameron that was, that the frog they had in her classroom would be chopped up. The frog was apparently cute though which Fay had seen when she sneaked into Carol's classroom during recess. Fay had decided to save the frog from getting chopped up but then something had happen that made the frog get away and someone had been crying and many had been screaming and Fay couldn't catch Froggy because he was slimy and well a bit icky.

Someone named ms Enos had been angry and Fay and Johnny had run and hid from her but got caught. Johnny tried to cover for Fay which Fin could have told him was a stupid idea cause the kid on his arm could not keep a lie for long. Ms Enos had then apparently put Fay in time out on some chair from which Fay had again run because she was so worried about Froggy and wanted to try and find him since she now knew he wasn't going to get chopped up and he might be cold somewhere outside. Ms Enos caught Fay again, Fay did not catch Froggy and everyone in school was mad at Fay now. That was at least what Fin caught from the girl's rambling that ended just as they reached the door and when Fay took a deep breath with a sob stuck in there too.

"I bet the frog isn't mad at you," Fin said and Amanda slapped his back as she walked by to unlock the door for them. Just like him to make a joke at this point, it wasn't helping since Amanda had to fight to keep a straight face already. This kid of hers got in such ridiculous jams and since her good heart always seemed to shine through in every scenario it was hard to be strict and a 'good parent'.

Fay put her palm against his cheek and smiled at him through watery eyes. Their daughter had a flair for drama and she'd learnt very young that tears in her eyes may soften any blow that was coming. These days though they weren't buying into it any longer. Fin couldn't wait to see how Amanda dealt with this.
"Put the accused on the bench please," Amanda told Fin as they got it and he knew what to do. He handed Amanda Fay's backpack before he headed towards the kitchen counter. Amanda knew she was strict but it was for Fay's wellbeing.

As a cop you met so many lost kids out there and a common theme were often parents who didn't care enough and hit too hard. Amanda knew she could so easily have been one of those lost kids herself, her sister was in a way lost. God know their parents didn't care enough about the kids they brought into this world and he better know how hard their mom could hit. Amanda would never use her mom's ways. She would never lock her in a dark closet over night, nor would she never ever put her hand on Fay. No good came of hitting your kid. It only dug a wider gap between parent and child. Her mom had used violence to claim the authority she felt entitled to just because she was her offspring.

Most of the time a single slap was enough for Amanda to get submissive but there had been times when she tried to stand her ground because ever so often she hadn't done anything wrong in the first place. I mean what five year old knew that they couldn't pass through the kitchen right then because it would disturb their mom's focus on making dinner? What four year old knew she couldn't flush the toilet after had used it because it made her mom's migraine worse? So she'd tried at times to take it. One slap to the head. A second one to the cheek. A third one to the cheek. And then the fist had always closed and it got too painful to stand tall. It was better to cover your head with your arms, perhaps even get down on the floor to cover from the many blows that followed to ensure defiance got beaten down.

The last time, Amanda remembered it well. She'd been sixteen. She couldn't remember what had set her mom off though, it might even had been something she deserved to be punished for but not like that. She took four open hand slaps to the face and a fifth with a closed fist. As the sixth was about to land though Amanda had grabbed her mom's wrist. There had been this long glare, like a battle with their eyes. Amanda had seen it in her mom's eyes. That split second when doubt crept into her mom and her arm had eased underneath her grip. It had stopped trying to reach her and it would not come again. Sure other objects would be coming flying to her head during the year and a half that she had to endure before she could move out. But that was the last time she'd been hit by her mom's hand.

She'd let her go and then turned and walked out the door. She had been out running for hours. She had to come back though but something had changed. Amanda grew a little over that summer, got a little bit more height on her mom and some more muscles on her body. Kim had never had to sustain as many blows at Amanda so the slapping stopped all around. Not that bottles and kitchen utensils thrown at you couldn't be dangerous but there was something about a parent's hand. It caused so much deeper pain Amanda still to this day couldn't put words on it.

So she always had that in the back of her head when she needed to discipline Fay. She would never hit or abuse her but she would try and guide her right and if that meant being strict so be it. Thankfully Fay wasn't a difficult kid. They had the time-outs on the couch with no TV on which would work after only a minute since this kid of hers could not sit still for longer than that. Once Fay realized she could be stuck there for three minutes, her age in minutes were appropriate Amanda had read in some book on parenting, she would apologize in advance. And she wouldn't just apologize. No even at three, almost four, she did know right from wrong and would own up to her wrongdoings as well. It was rare she got into the same trouble more than once, unfortunately though this kid got in the strangest jams.

Fin had walked over to the counter with the accused, formerly known as Fay, but Fay held on to his shirt as he put her down. She let go though right after he looked her square in the eyes and said:
"The truth will set you free." He went to stand by the other counter. Amanda had fished up the note from Fay's teacher and held it up, still folded, in the air.

"Will your story agree with whatever's in this note from you teacher?" she asked and looked seriously at the little girl with the pouty lips that sat before her.
"Yeah," the girl said quietly with a not so believable voice.
"You want to stick with that answer?" Amanda asked and the girl nodded without much hesitation. Fin had folded his arms in front of him and watched the scene play out trying to hide his amusement.

"Okay before I read the note though there are a few things I want to point out in your statement young lady. You used the word sneaked into Cameron's older sisters class room which indicates you should not have been there in the first place. The second thing was that you ran away from your teacher which I'm not proud to hear. Then there was another sneaked in your story as you told me you sneaked out of the time out chair. Another not so proud moment for the accused's mama to hear," Amanda took a breath and saw Fay was about to say something but she quiet down when Amanda held up her finger in the air.

"I do however understand you wanting to save Froggy from getting chopped up but… But you went about it the wrong way. Had you gone to your teacher or Carol's teacher to start with you would have found out you cannot always trust third graders and, or their little brothers. You get it? A simply yes or no will do," Amanda waited and got a yes after some more pouting.

"Okay, now I'm going to read the note from your teacher to see what the sentence will be," Amanda dramatically got the note unfolded making it obvious for Fin who Fay got the dramatic flair from. The girl turned her head towards him and he winked at her. She still looked miserable though. She looked back at her mother and tried to wait patiently. Soon though her tiny feet started pumping but as her heels started bumping into the cabinet underneath her Amanda looked up and said:
"Silence in court please," making Fay stop immediately. Amanda then folded the note up again and Fay looked eager to hear her sentence.

"Okay so the witness statement pretty much collaborates your story. Do you remember what collaborates mean?" Amanda asked and Fay nodded once.
"Agrees with my story," the girl said and Fin felt very proud. Too bad she wanted to paint the lines on the street cause she could grow up to be a damn good lawyer if Amanda kept this up. Or a hustler he added in his thought and almost chuckled. If he made that comment out loud he was sure it would earn him a punch on the arm from the judge in the kitchen and he turned his attention back to the courtroom.

"That's right. So your teacher wants you to apologize to ms Campbell's class on Monday for losing their pet frog. After dinner we will sit down and talk about what you're going to say. Understood?" Amanda asked and Fay nodded.
"On Monday after school I want you to be able to tell me you walked in there with a straight back and truly got why you apologized and that you truly meant it. Deal?"
"Deal," she said and looked a little more relieved.

"Okay squirt go put your bag away, wash your hands and then get back out here and help us fix dinner," Amanda walked over to her with the backpack, kissed her head and then lifted her down on the floor.
"I love you mama," the girl said before she ran out of there. Amanda took a deep breath and then turned to him. He shook his head at her.

"What?" she asked as she walked over to the fridge.
"I just love how awesomely you deal with stuff like that. You made her into the incredible person she is today," he said with arms still folded. She wasn't good with praise and kept her head down inside the fridge so she didn't have to look at him.

"You had some to do with that too you know. What was it you said? Cool gangsta swag?" she said as she came back out with some vegetables in her hand and she was referring to a previous discussion they had some time ago. She remembered a few other things they'd done after that discussion to and she felt her cheeks get a little flushed. He unfolded his arms and grabbed her as she tried to pass. He twisted her so he could look at her front center. He felt like kissing her but knew the rules. Nothing in front of Fay that could conflict her. He had to settle with just looking at her. She started to squirm underneath his intense gaze and then her phone buzzed on the table as she received a text. The both looked over briefly.

"What are we making?" he asked as he took the vegetables from her so she could go check her phone.
"There are chicken leftovers in the fridge. I was thinking pasta with that and a salad. Sounds good enough?" He nodded as she walked over to the table. Fin put the vegetables on the counter and then went over to fill a pot with water for the pasta. Amanda chuckled as she watched her phone.

"What's up?" he had to ask.
"Gayle you know, she wants me to come to some elaborate party in Hell's Kitchen tonight," Amanda made a face while still watching her screen.
"Yeah? You wanna go?" he asked thinking he could babysit even though he didn't want her to leave. She looked up at him and held his eyes for a while.
"No," she said with a tone that let him know there wasn't anywhere else she wanted to be tonight than right there. He hoped he had something to do with that but didn't get the chance to ask as a child interrupted them.

"What can I do?" Fay hollered as she ran over to hug Fin's leg.
"We're doing chicken, pasta and salad. Pick your poison?" Amanda said as she lifted down an oven safe plate for the chicken from the cabinet.
"Pasta," the girl said which was no surprise since she always picked whatever Fin was doing. Fin lifted her up so she could reach the pasta from the cabinet above the fridge. Amanda got the chicken and sauce into the oven and then got started with the salad. Fin and Fay set the table as they waited for the pasta water to boil.

"Can I go watch some TV before dinner mama?" Fay asked once the table was set.
"Sure. Don't forget what we're doing after dinner though," Amanda said as the girl ran out. Amanda put the salad on the table.

"Is it okay if I just take a quick shower?" she asked Fin and he nodded.
"Just turn the oven down if I'm not out in ten," she said and disappeared. He checked time for the pasta and when he saw he had time to check on the little one he left the kitchen. He wanted to know what cartoon she liked the best right now and hoped she would try and do an interpretation of it. He loved when she did that.

A little later they were all gathered at the table. Fin loved this. Amanda was always fun to be around and the kid was hilarious. The conversation tonight mostly surrounded the prisoner Fay had busted out during the day. The frog she named Froggy but apparently officially went by the name Bruce. A name Fay of course didn't think suited a frog and she thought about Kermit but he didn't look like a Kermit so it had become Froggy once she committed to a name. Fay was worried now that Froggy felt scared and alone out there in the real world and started to truly get she'd done a wrong, not just because she got caught. The kid had a conscious and it made both Amanda and Fin very happy even if the little girl's heart ached a little right now.

He stayed around as Amanda and Fay sat down to come up with what to tell the class Monday when she had to apologize. Amanda put down a few notes so they wouldn't forget and could go back over them once they had everything down that she wanted to say. They agreed to go back over it on Sunday as well to fresh up Fay's mind. Fin wished he could be a fly on the wall come Monday. He knew Fay's apology would be outstanding, could be Oscar worthy, but he hoped he at least would get her report afterwards.

Once Fay was all tucked in asleep they sat around on the couch for a bit. They ended up talking about the case they'd worked this last week. Fin gave Amanda props for figuring out the assailant at such an early stage and with all the conflicting statements from the victim that didn't help out at all. Even work related praise made Amanda feel uncomfortable and she took it to gloating a bit too much to get through it. He could see it was a cop-out though but didn't bust her on it. Once they'd emptied the subject there was a slight awkward silence that followed.

"Maybe I should head home," he started even though he didn't want to.
"Sure, you don't want to stay? We could do that museum thing with Fay tomorrow?" she tried to sound casual.
"Yeah?" he asked and she gave him a nod to affirm she wanted him to stay.

"Couch?" he asked. She bit down on her lip a little as she racked her brain.
"We could put a pillow between us on the bed?" she suggested and it made him chuckle.
"It will work without. You sure though?" he wanted to make sure it was okay with her. She nodded.

"Cool," he said. They stayed up a while longer but then headed to bed. They started talking while tucked in, each on their side and Fin made sure to stay there. They talked about small stuff, something Fay said earlier in the week, how the NBA teams looked pre-season and then about some people around their squad room. It was nice just laying there and talking in the dark. Finally Amanda said she was tired and they said good night. They'd never really cozied or ended things with romantic gestures and they wouldn't tonight either even though Fin really felt like just giving her a good night kiss.

He didn't get why it was so hard to just lean over and plant one on her. She wouldn't object would she? He didn't want to take her for granted though. He knew he had amends to do here, he'd treated her wrong, not just a couple of months ago but for years and he knew he had to do better if he wanted something more. She deserved more. How she would want him was still beyond him though. He was old enough to be her father and with everything he'd done and his inability to connect and all. No he would never get just why but he knew better than to question it. She'd turned away from him once she said good night but now she came rolling back over. He saw her hand fall down a bit away from her body and after have thought about it for a while he dared to reach out. He knew she would be awake but perhaps too sleepy to reflect on his touch. Either way he was still pleased with the tiny squeeze he got and he fell asleep with her hand still in his.

As usual Amanda would be the first one to wake up in the morning and was all done and dressed once Fin finally came too. He knew at least he'd stayed on his side of the bed as that's where he woke up and he wasn't one to move around much in his sleep. He heard the TV or the radio playing down the hall and he could smell Amanda's shower gel in the air. She most have had a shower without him even waking up. He pulled his pants back on knowing a shirt and boxers wasn't an outfit that worked with Amanda in front of Fay. She didn't mind casual and tee and boxers worked for the couch so okay the rules where fuzzy but Fin still had a handle on them.

He found her with a cup of coffee and the newspaper by the kitchen table.
"Morning," she smiled as she looked up when she heard him coming.
"Good morning," he smiled back and put a hand on her back.
"You want coffee?" she asked and got up when he nodded. He wouldn't have mind getting it himself but he appreciated it not being at his best in the mornings.

"Kid's awake?" he asked once he noticed the cartoons on the TV.
"Not so much," she let him know as she came back with his cup. He took it with a thanks and had a taste with his eyebrow raised at her.
"She was up but then crashed on the couch again," Amanda let him know tossing her head towards the living room.
"Just my kind of kid," he smiled and took his cup and walked over there.
"Yeah funny coincident right?" he heard Amanda tease behind him and he shot her a mischievous look over her shoulder.

He found Fay wiped out on the couch and he got her head and back up so he could sneak in underneath. He smiled as she crumbled her nose a little when he put her back down in his lap. He managed to snatch the remote from her hand and flipped to a morning show to see what was going on in the world. He ended up just watching the kid though. She was a joy to be around when awake but she was awfully sweet when asleep too.

A little later on, when everyone was fed and mostly dressed, they were getting ready to head to the children's museum and some exhibition for the Lunar Year celebration. For a while they had all been gathered on Amanda's bed for some unknown reason. All of a sudden they'd all just been sitting there and Fin didn't complain. But then finally they were ready to head out and Fay jumped off the bed and ran down the hall. Amanda put away some things Fay had brought in there and she caught Fin watching her very intensely and she raised her eyebrow at him.

"In case you didn't know," he started, choosing his words carefully, "I find you very… amazing." It caught her off guard and he could tell by her facial expression. It made him smile even wider. Neither off them moved or said anything for a while but they managed to hold each other's eyes without it getting awkward.
"I didn't know," she said once she managed to collect herself.
"Well I do," he countered quickly. Fay shouted something from down the hall.
"Just give me a minute honey," Amanda shouted back without letting her eyes wander off him. She turned and got up on her knees on the bed. She wasn't sure what exactly was happening here but it was something new.

He was still on the other side but got his hand up and gestured her closer. He still had a very unguarded smile on his face. She couldn't help but smile herself. She shuffled her way to him which didn't take long with the short distance already between them. He stretched his neck out a little and she knew what he asked for. She bent down and met his lips with hers. She kept her eyes open for a while but had to shut them as that nice, warm feeling spread from her lips and to every inch of the rest of her body. He took it slow, just enjoyed the feeling of her lips but then had to dig in a little deeper to taste her further. They both heard the thump from the kitchen though and then the tiny steps racing down the hallway and had to break it up before they reached the door. Amanda sat up, got some distance between them and took a deep breath before she turned her head towards the door at the same moment a pair of gleaming brown eyes and a whirlwind of blonde afro peaked around the doorframe. Amanda gave her a smile.

"Common already. What's taking you so long?" her voice sounded inpatient. Amanda gave a chuckle but that just made Fay gesture with her hand as she didn't see the fun in this tardiness.
"We're coming right now," Amanda said and shot Fin a look as she got up.
"You joining us?" she asked him and he gave her a nod.

Later that night after Fay had gone to sleep Amanda was putting things away in the kitchen after had left Fin by Fay's side. Fin was still around and had been for the entire day. Amanda didn't complain, he had such a calm aura around him lately he felt a bit out of character even though it was still his humor, his eyes, smile and the rest of him present too. He just seemed extra cool for some reason. Amanda wouldn't be surprised if he'd fallen asleep by now by Fay's side and would probably have to wake him up a little later or he'd be there the entire night. She was surprised though as she suddenly spotted him leaning against the kitchen counter furthest to the hallway.

"Hey," she said with a slight chuckle as she managed to hold on to a bowl that she almost dropped as she was a little spooked by his sudden presence. He gave her a smile that broke his previous serious disposition.
"I thought you'd be asleep," she said.
"No, I was just thinking," he said and she looked back at him after having put back the bowl. She was expecting him to finish that sentence but that had apparently been it. He'd been thinking.
"About what?" she asked. He'd gone back to looking serious again.
"Can I tell you something?" he asked.
"If it's something like me being amazing of course," she had a cheeky smile on her face and he smiled back but she could tell he was really being serious and she felt bad for making a joke right now.

"I'm sorry, of course you can," she said, stopped what she was doing and turned towards him. He smiled again as he looked at her but then got off the wall and walked over to her kitchen table. He got the other chair out and placed it towards him. She got that he wanted her to have a seat and came over. When she sat down their knees almost touched, that's how close they were. She wasn't sure what all this was about but for some reason she wasn't worried. She felt as though she maybe should be though as he smiled at her as she sat down and he held her eyes in a very unfamiliar way. His face had gone from serious to a smile many times tonight and she couldn't help but reach out and just briefly stroke his cheek. It felt as though he needed it.

He swallowed hard, wet his lips and started;
"I've told you… well you know I was undercover a lot when I worked narcotics," he looked at her and she nodded.

"I was married to Teresa and she had Ken while I was undercover. I wasn't there when he was born and I wasn't there for long periods of times as he grew up. I missed a lot. I did… love Teresa when I married her. But I loved her a certain way. I don't know. It's hard to explain but growing up in the hood, you know, you acted tough. That's what you had to do to stay alive and you got with the girls still acting tough. I was a tough guy," he said as his face broke out into a wide smile. She felt like saying 'you still are' but felt the moment wasn't right and just smiled back at him.

"I loved Teresa but I hurt her. I didn't treat her right, I've told you that," he said and she nodded. He had, a numerous times and she'd always drawn similarities to her and Fin's relationship. She focused on every word he said as she knew this was important.

"I probably shouldn't have married her. I definitely shouldn't have stayed with her as long as I did. Maybe apart we would have worked better together. It would have been better for Ken as well," he took a break so he could breath and he looked down for a while as he figured out what to say next. He knew where he wanted to end up, he'd thought about it long and hard for a while now.

"While I was undercover that last stint," he said and kept his head down, "I met someone." He sat up again so he could look at her.

"I didn't set out to, it just happen. I'd hooked up with skirts undercover before but knew to keep it… I guess I kept it as a part of the game, to just keep up the role I played. But… Keisha was different. I pretended she wasn't at first but then I couldn't. I… felt something more for her. Something I'd never felt before. Luis, my partner, knew. He told me to be careful. But I wasn't. I let it go too far. She hadn't really been a part of that whole drug circuit before, she was a hang around yeah but I pulled her in further. You had to play the game on the inside, I did some drugs, that I admit to. She did some too but I made sure she stayed off the hard ones," he had to take a break again and he touched her hand that was in her lap.

She turned her palm up and he put his against hers and their thumbs played around each other for a while. He gave her another smile. She could tell this wasn't easy for him to tell her. He let his hand rest in hers as he continued;
"Keisha made undercover… There were times when I wanted it to be my life. I wanted it to be real. It did become a little too real. She… became pregnant," he gave her a serious look and she tried to not look shocked. He nodded though so she probably looked like she didn't believe her ears.

"I actually thought I could work it out. I thought I would take her away with me somewhere. Live happily ever after you know? Bull. I was delusional. That's not what happens in my life. I screw things up. I screw people over. I screwed Teresa and Ken over with Keisha and in the end I screwed Keisha and my unborn baby." He let her hand go and rubbed his scalp as he sighed.

"I told Keisha. I blew my cover. I was so stupid," he shook his head. She could tell he still felt guilty about it even though it was many years ago now. He'd obviously been in love with this Keisha and it made Amanda curious about her. He kept his head down as he finished the story.

"Keisha… felt betrayed. I didn't get it then. She told whatever it was we had was fake and it didn't mean anything. I tried to convince her what I felt for her was real. She wouldn't listen. She told me… well every SOB word in the book and she told me there was no way she would have a baby with me. I did feel… devastated for a while. I wanted to fix it but I couldn't. She told Escobar. That's why he tried to kill me. He didn't know about Luis, we came in at different times thankfully. But Luis took my bullet and somewhere in the mist of all the bullets flying Keisha got shot too. Luis never told anyone about me and Keisha. He was a good partner. I wasn't. He didn't know I blew my cover to Keisha, he still to this day doesn't know it was truly my fault he got shot. At the morgue I found out Keisha hadn't made her threat about an abortion real. She was still pregnant. And she was doped up on crack. So I killed that baby one way or another. I killed her. I loved her and that killed her."

He stayed quiet for a while, head still down. She felt unable to say anything that could be of any comfort to him and she didn't dare to touch him. But when she saw a single tear fall to the floor quickly followed by him bringing up his hand to his face to rub his eyes she couldn't just sit there any longer. She got down on her knees in front of him, it was the only thing she thought to do since she still didn't dare to touch him. It made him look up a bit but not enough to meet her eyes.

"It was still her decision to go to Escobar Fin. You can't take all the blame," she tried. It was what she seriously thought. Keisha had a right to be upset but by going to Escobar she gave Fin a death sentence.

His hand came up to her face without looking at her. He grabbed her cheek, his fingers dug in a little behind her ear. She waited and soon he pulled her in further. She didn't get a clear sight of his face as he came up and put his lips against her forehead. He pulled her in even further and wrapped his arms around her as hers snaked around his waist. Her ear was right at his heart and she listen to the low and steady thumps. His lips were on her hair and his arms squeezed her even tighter.

"I hurt what I love," she heard him whisper. It felt as though the final piece of a puzzle settled and she could see the entire picture. What she saw made her sad but it still made her feel good. You can't fix what you can't see, someone once told her. No not someone. Dr Olivet said it to her at one of their first sessions. Back when Amanda still was in denial about what an impact the deputy chief's assault really had on her. It had taken a while to get over that but once she saw the entire picture, learnt that others didn't blame her for what had happen and she didn't die with the realization of what he'd really put her through she began to heal. Fin's picture had been hidden for so long and she hoped it wasn't too late for him to heal too.

"It doesn't make me love you any less," she whispered back to him.

She wasn't sure how long they sat there but she could have stayed the entire night. He got restless eventually though and started to stir. He asked if he could stay the night and she said yes. They fell asleep in each other's arms fully dressed on top of her bedcover. The following days they talked a lot. Always in the protection of the dark in her apartment after Fay had fallen asleep. He told her about the undercover days, how he met Keisha and how it all ended. In detail. She let him talk, only occasionally asked something to fill in gaps.

With every word he shared with her it felt as though his burden got just a little bit lighter. He'd never talked to anyone about this but he realized it felt so much better once he did. And she didn't seem to think any less off him because of what he'd done. She didn't seem to hate, reject or despise him. Nothing of the anticipated reactions he'd always imagined if he ever told anyone. He should've known she was different though. That she wouldn't blame him. He felt so much lighter once everything was out. Once she knew his entire backstory she didn't look at him any differently and it was such a huge relief for him.

Amanda grieved and anguished with him through his story but it was a process she didn't want to miss. It all just made her understand him better, where he came from and why he'd been holding back with her. She felt sad that his secret had manifested itself so hard in him through all these years but then happy that it was finally out. It felt as though they'd taken a huge step in their relationship. He was around more, and not just for sex. They actually didn't fool around a lot at all. They'd been so busy talking and he respected her want to not conflict Fay.

But he was around so much Fay started to anticipate it and Amanda felt as though she wanted to touch on the subject of letting Fay in on Fin being her father. She figured she would just give him some more time to process this whole Keisha deal. Fay was turning four in just a couple of weeks and Amanda just felt it was about time she knew. Of course it did scare her, she feared Fay would feel cheated, perhaps be angry with her for keeping it a secret. She knew she just had to deal with whatever though, Fay had the right to feel disappointed at them but Amanda hoped she would just embrace it the way she usually did with new events in her life. Straight on and with a smile on her face.

And then it was the anticipation what would come next. What would happen after they told Fay? Would they tell people at work? The captain? Would they be able to work together after they knew Fin was the father of her child? And of course then they would ask about their current relationship. All these unanswered questions didn't make her nervous though, just giddy. She actually longed to be able to deal with them. The thought of not having to hide any more would be such a relief.

What would telling people he was Fay's dad do with their relationship? Could she and Fin actually be together? Like for real together? Could they be like a nuclear family with Fay? She'd never thought of herself ever being a part of a nuclear family but she had to admit the thought felt nice. She didn't expect roses or handholding though, he just wasn't the type and it was fine. He showed affection in other ways, just like she did. She couldn't wait to explore in what ways that could be.

So she felt very content lately, close to happy all the time. Even though they caught some nasty cases at work it felt so good to go home to Fay and lately, most nights with Fin by her side. Everything was just so great she for a second even forgot that her life could just never stay just perfect. She actually forgot something always seemed to happen when her life was at the top.

She was on her way out from court having dropped of some witness statements to Barba when her phone buzzed in her jacket pocket. She saw her captain's name on the screen and answered quickly thinking she might have forgotten something Barba needed for the trial that started tomorrow. It was nothing like that though. She wasn't prepared. It hit her right out of the blue.

"Fin and Amaro got shot at as they were bringing in the suspect," he let her know. She could tell by the tone of his voice this conversation wasn't going to end well.
"Amaro took one to the shoulder but he's fine. Fin though… he's critical."