Her hand crashed through the swingdoor to the OR ward. She wasn't sure how she'd gotten to the hospital or how she'd gotten the information where to go once there. She spotted captain Cragen further down the hall and he came to meet her as soon as he spotted her. She didn't have to ask, her face told Don the question.
"I don't know, he's still in the OR. A single bullet through his side, it's stuck inside," he let her know. She tried to comprehend what he was telling her but it was hard. She felt thick, like she was in some horrible dream and fighting her way through some invisible haze.
She stayed in this haze for the next hour or so. She saw Olivia arriving, had a slight recollection of getting a hug from her. Ken arrived, something about Alejandro being out of town. Amaro joined them, his arm in a sling. She hadn't been able to stay around him because he had Fin's blood on his shirt. All she did was pace the hallway as the others sat in the waiting room. Both Liv and Cragen tried to get her to join them at different times but she declined their offers. She just needed to keep pacing until someone came out to give them good news. She needed him to be okay.
Once a doctor finally came out to brief them though there wasn't good news. The bullet had done a lot of damage on its way and then got stuck near his spine. They were working on patching him up and wouldn't be able to go for the bullet until he was stabile. Amanda didn't like the fact that they'd taken a break. He needed more blood apparently since the blood loss was putting strain on his heart and other vital organs. Once he was stabile enough they would try and remove the bullet.
Only good thing with the briefing was that Amanda's head seemed to clear a bit. She was able to hold a conversation, not that she felt like saying much but at least the haze lifted. Ken asked her for some help with filling out a sheet a nurse had handed him. Together they managed to fill in most spaces. Ken gave her a hug once they were done. She hadn't really felt like being hug but once she had his arms around her she noticed it wasn't that bad. It felt rather good actually. She knew Ken struggled too, this was his dad. She needed to stay strong for him too.
And then there was this other little person she needed to stay strong for. Amanda had completely forgotten about Fay for a moment but quickly got pulled back when the babysitter called. Shot. She couldn't stay and when she went down to see if Eva was home there was no answer. They decided she would bring her over to the hospital, Amanda didn't see any other way right now. She waited by the elevators as she got a text they were in the building. Fay jumped in her mom's arms as soon as the doors open and Fay spotted Amanda.
Amanda had told her over the phone that Fin had gotten hurt but that the doctors were doing everything to make him all better again. Amanda could tell she'd been crying. With Fay still clutched on hard around her neck she exchanged some words with Grace the babysitter. Grace apologized for not being able to stay but she couldn't get anyone to cover for her at her night job. Amanda made sure she knew it wasn't her problem and just thanked her for bringing Fay all the way over there. Grace gave a short report on Fay's day and then handed over her backpack to Amanda. Grace let her know she'd packed night gear, paper, crayons, a videogame and some snacks. Amanda thanked Grace again as she stepped into the elevator.
Fay stayed hooked on her for a while and Amanda stayed where they were at until she finally let go a little. She knew when Fay needed time and didn't mind staying out there until Fay was ready to face her. Then Fay had some more questions about Fin and Amanda tried to answer her honestly but in words that an almost four year old would understand and that wouldn't scare her too much.
Liv had started to miss Amanda again. She wished she would stay in the waiting area with them but Liv respected whatever Amanda was in need of right now. Having your partner injured was awful and seeing how close they were Liv figured Amanda took this hard. There'd been a while since she saw her pace by the large window wall though that gave the waiting area visibility of the small reception desk and part of the hallway outside. Liv popped her head outside and spotted Amanda down the hall with Fay in her arms. Liv's face lit up a little as she saw the little girl. She was such a cute girl and also seemed to have a very sweet nature from what Liv had seen the few times she'd met her over the years. The girl had her hands on the side of her mom's face and they seemed to have a serious conversation. Liv couldn't help but stay outside and watch them for a while. The girl finally smiled and she gave her mom a quick kiss. As she hugged her, the little girl's face turned towards Liv and her little face lit up when she spotted Liv.
Amanda felt her daughter's will to get down and as she spotted Liv down the hall she realized why. She let her down and walked down the same way her daughter ran. Liv came to meet them and caught the girl as she threw herself in Liv's arms.
"Hi sweetie," Liv said as she planted a kiss on her hair and got back up on her feet with the girl in her arms.
"Hi," she heard the girl whisper close to her ear. She held on so long Amanda had time to catch up to them. She managed to give Liv a smile.
"You heard Fin isn't feeling good?" Fay asked as she finally let go and looked at Liv. Liv nodded.
"Yeah I know," Liv said with a sad face but then smiled a little and added; "but the doctors are helping him."
"They helped my mom you know," Fay looked a little happier as she looked back at her mom and held out her hand towards her.
"Yeah I know, they made her all better," Liv answered as she watched Amanda grab her daughter's hand only to give it a light kiss. Amanda's eyes were stuck on the little one and Liv could see she was struggling to hold up a brave face.
"And that's what they're going to do to Fin too you'll see," Liv knew it was a gamble but there was no point bringing the little girl down.
"I love your necklace," Fay said and fingered the pendant around Liv's neck.
"Thank you sweetie," Liv smiled and just had to touch the girl's hair and then her cheek.
"Ken," Fay suddenly said as she looked up from the pendant and spotted him inside the waiting room.
Liv immediately let her down and pointed her to the entrance door. Both Liv and Amanda watched her run towards the door and then saw her again as she entered the room and ran straight into Ken's arms. Liv turned her attention to Amanda who had a smile on her face as she watched Ken sit back down with her kid in his arms. Cragen came to sit by their side and soon got a hug from the little girl.
"She's Fin's right?" Liv suddenly caught herself asking. She knew the timing was awful but she just couldn't help herself. She saw Amanda's smile vanish quickly and her eyes slightly coming her way but never fully reaching Liv's. Liv could tell the question bothered her but it was too late to take it back.
"I don't mean to pry, it's just… it wouldn't go any further," Liv tried to reassure her. She felt a need to know for some reason she couldn't even explain to herself. She watched as Amanda's face turned from a bit panic stricken to calm as she took a deep breath. She turned her head slightly, not completely daring to face her straight on. Amanda watched Liv's face though as she nodded barely visible. Looked for a reaction on the senior detective's face as she admitted to Fin being the father of her child. Liv's face didn't change though, no hint of disapproval or dislike. After a few long seconds instead there was a slight hint of a smile. Amanda wasn't sure why she felt like some schoolgirl owning up to having a fling with a teacher or something. Liv's hand on her arm felt good though, it felt like at least a tiny sign of approval. That it wasn't the worst thing ever keeping it a secret for so long.
"He'll be fine, you'll see," Liv said quietly and Amanda felt a bit overwhelmed as the detective's hand went up to her hair. Resting just underneath her ponytail she leaned in and put her forehead against the side of her head.
"He'll be fine," she repeated and Amanda closed her eyes as she so much wanted to believe her and not listen to her own pessimistic side that kept telling her it would all be over before it even began.
They had to wait yet another two hours until they heard anything. Amaro stayed with Fay in the waiting area as the others follow the doctor outside. He had to use his own old experience of child handling to keep her from following her mom outside and then work even harder to try and keep Fay's attention on the book in front of her and not look at her mom outside the door. Amaro feared there would be bad news and Amanda would break down or something. He wouldn't blame her but it made him hold on to Fay with just a little bit more affection in his arms.
The news wasn't good but Amanda kept herself stoic. They'd stopped the blood loss, internal organs were stitched up but they could not get the bullet out without risking damage to the spine. The bullet could already have done damage to his extremities and the surgeons all felt they needed to get the bullet out as it was affecting his heart already and the strain would only get worse if they left it in there longer. The doctor asked for Ken's approval to carry on and Amanda freaked a little as he turned to look at her for support in what to answer. She wasn't sure though and both just looked at each other with distraught looks over their faces. They were already holding on to each other's hands without either really reflecting over doing it or when it had happen.
"We feel he won't make it over night if we don't remove it," the doctor said and that was all that needed to be said to convince them both.
"Then do it, keep him alive," Ken said quickly. He felt Liv's hand rub his back gently. The doctor left after telling them they'd start the operation in about an hour and they would be in for a long night. Ken excused himself to go call his mother and Cragen headed down the corridor the other way to make a call himself. Liv stayed by Amanda's side for a bit. The younger detective looked pale which wasn't weird.
"You okay?" Liv asked and rubbed her arm a little. Liv always felt as though Amanda wasn't one that wanted to get hugged. She'd done it when she first came to the hospital but Amanda had seemed standoffish which Liv knew better than to take personal but it was still a feeling she often got. Amanda gave her a weak nod.
"Getting him through this alive is the first thing to focus on," Liv told her, "if the bullets done damage we'll deal with that next." Amanda turned her head and looked at her.
"If he ends up in a wheel chair he's as good as dead," Amanda's voice was cold and serious but the slight shiver on her lower lip didn't go unnoticed by Liv. And Liv knew she was right. Fin would not handle that well. Liv wasn't sure what to say and thankfully didn't get a chance to try as Ken interrupted with an apology. He still had the phone close to his ear.
"I'm sorry, Amanda my mom can take Fay for the night, you want that?" he asked.
"That would be great," she said without hesitation. Ken got back to his phone call and walked away again. Amanda swallowed hard, gave Liv a quick look and then headed back inside the waiting room. Fay immediately wiggled out of Nick's lap and ran to her. Nick got up and looked at Amanda for answers to how their partner was doing.
"He needs more surgery," Amanda said quietly as she saw the question on his face.
"Why? Can't they fix him?" Fay said and came up from hugging her mom. Amanda turned her attention back to her daughter and walked over to a corner to try and explain Fin was doing fine but still needed some more help to get better. Liv had stepped in after her and took Nick over to the other side of the waiting room to give him the entire briefing away from the young one's ears.
It was close to midnight and Amanda and Ken were the only ones left in the waiting area. Teresa had been by to take Fay home to her place. Amanda had talked to both of them right before Fay headed to bed. They were doing good on their own. Cragen, Liv and Nick had left once they got word Fin's life wasn't in danger and that it was more a question if he'd be paralyzed or not that was the major concern. All of them had of course volunteered to stay on but both Amanda and Ken felt as though they were better on their own. Ken had been down and bought them each a sandwich. They had already made plenty of trips to the coffee machine down the hall. Amanda's sandwich lay still only just nibbled on, on the chair next to her. As usual she couldn't eat when stressed.
"So I had lunch with him just last week," Ken said and she nodded as she already knew, "and… now it just feels weird but he felt different. He said he loved me." Ken let it hang in the air a bit with a hint of a smile covering his face. Amanda nodded again.
"I mean he says it from time to time but usually after I've said it. This came from the heart. Should I have taken it as a sign?" Ken directed the question to Amanda. She pulled her knees up to her chin and took a deep breath.
"I don't know. He's been a bit different lately," Amanda said quietly. Ken turned completely around on his chair so he could watch her better. Amanda shot him a look, she looked a little embarrassed to him.
"We'd talked about… well telling Fay," she couldn't understand why that felt embarrassing to say out loud. Ken's face brighten.
"Yeah?" he asked and she nodded a little.
"He's been hanging around our place quiet a lot," she couldn't believe it but she felt her cheeks heat up.
"Yeah?" Ken said again with a hint of amusement in there. Amanda shook her head a little and tried to not go all school girl crush on him.
"That guy you were seeing finally made him open up his eyes eh?" Amanda shot him a look and a smile.
"I don't know. Maybe. The last couple of weeks have been… good."
She smiled but then suddenly felt her throat clam shut as she thought of Fin on that operating table hit her with full force and how he could end up paralyzed. She would love him just as much but she knew his bullheadness might not be able to live with constantly having to be aided. She tried to quickly wipe away the tear that escaped her eye but Ken had seen it and reached out to squeeze her shoulder. She sat a chair away and when he didn't buy the smile she tried shooting him he came moving over so he could put his arms around her. She didn't feel like fighting him and she just leaned into his warm embrace.
"We'll get him through," Ken whispered close to her ear as he held on to her a little harder. She wanted to believe him.
Close to 1 am a doctor finally came out again to see them. They got the bullet out and stitched him up. He was still heavily medicated and they would keep him like that and on the breathing machine until at least the morning. They could see him if they wanted to the doctor let them know and of course they wanted to. He took them down a stair and handed them over to a nurse that guided them the last bit. It wasn't easy seeing him like that, with the tubes and lines and bags and everything else that was attached to him, but she still felt relief when she finally could put her hand on the side of his face.
Ken started crying and Amanda tried to comfort him at the same time as she let her fingers play over Fin's warm cheek. He was warm, he was alive. She'd try and be grateful for that for now. She'd deal with the rest when it came to that.
They both stayed the night. Amanda got some sleep with her head on the bed next to Fin's body. Ken slept in the chair in the corner. They had to step out as the doctors did their round but then got briefed quickly on what the doctors had in plan for Fin. They would try and get him off the ventilator as soon as possible since it was important to find out what damage the bullet had done. The doctor warned them though, the tests showed he had no movement in his lower extremities and they should prepare for the worst. The worst being that he might be paralyzed from the waist down.
Ken's reaction to this bad news was rather loud while Amanda just turned inwards. She felt too tired, too drained to cry and instead just felt cold inside as her thoughts brought her all over the place. This would be devastating news to Fin. That she knew. He would see it as part of his manly hood would be taken from him. She feared he wouldn't accept any help and she feared he'd give up on everything. She felt a bit egoistic to think it but she couldn't lie to herself, she feared what this would mean for the two of them. What it would mean to the two of them as a potential couple. It had felt as though they'd gotten somewhere these past weeks and she feared he would completely shut her down.
Unfortunately she would be right.
Fin woke up later that day. She was able to make some contact with him but mostly he just slept through the day. Cragen, Nick, Olivia, Cassidy and Munch stopped by. Fin slept through most of these visits. Alejandro, who had cut his work trip short, came that afternoon and Amanda took the time to stop by home to take a shower. On the way back to the hospital she stopped by Teresa's. They'd been in contact during the day and Teresa let her know Fay could stay for as long as it took. Amanda was so grateful. She brought a few more items for Fay and Teresa talked her in to staying to have some dinner with them.
Fay of course had a lot of questions and wanted to come with Amanda to the hospital. Amanda promised she could come soon but not tonight. Amanda gave Teresa the full story as they got a chance to talk alone at the table. Of course Teresa had already talked to her son earlier today but he hadn't been able to tell her much since he started crying every time he tried to talk about Fin's condition. The doctors were still hopeful he might gain some function to his legs once the swelling wore off, it would take days until they knew for sure though.
Those days would be straining. Amanda could only now fully grasp what an ordeal Fin must have gone through during her long stint at the hospital all those years ago. He stayed sluggish for a couple of days but then as they lowered the heavy drugs he became more aware and alert but that's when the pain kicked in. He'd never had a high threshold for pain and it made him cranky and antisocial. Ken had taken some time off work to stay with him while Amanda tried to juggle work with hospital and taking care of Fay. Fin made clear to Ken though that he didn't want him there. He didn't need a babysitter was his own words.
Fin didn't want Fay to come around either but Amanda managed to talk him into letting her visit finally. Fay had even accused her mother of lying to her, that Fin was really really sick and that's why she couldn't see him. The little girl was miserable at the thought of Fin being so sick that Amanda felt it was important she got to see him. The visit went okay. Fin did seem happy to see her and he did wise up for the hour she visited. Ken let Amanda know later though that he'd become his own current cranky self as soon as they'd left. Amanda tried to cut him some slack. She realized it wasn't a fun seat to be in for anyone and she knew he would have to be able to grief the loss of function to his legs if that's where they ended up.
But the thing was he did have some function. Once the swelling went down he showed some signs, his feet, toes moved as the doctor's ran tests. For Fin that wasn't enough though. He wanted full movement and his ego made him fight the physiotherapists. Amanda tried to be around the first few sessions, thinking she could motivate him since she knew what worked on him. But it was so draining. He got so very angry, with her and with the physiotherapists and with the wheelchair and the bars he needed to hold on to to be able to stand up. He was angry all the time it seemed. She tried tough love, she tried kindness, she tried charm and she tried bribing. Nothing seemed to work all that well.
After no more than two weeks in the hospital Fin demanded to be sent home. Amanda and Ken tried to talk the doctors into not letting him sign himself out but the doctors seemed to think being at home, in his own environment might be good for him. They would have physiotherapists and nurses coming around his place. Amanda and Ken thought it was a dumb idea knowing Fin would only wall himself in even further. But the doctors sent him home. Together with a physiotherapist Amanda and Ken cleared his place from objects that was in the way of his wheelchair and they got rid of any unnecessary clutter.
He didn't move much though which Amanda had anticipated and feared. A nurse came around to change his Foley catheter and give him meds. She fixed him food, which Amanda and Ken did too but most of it got left barely touched at his bed stand. He talked Ken into moving the TV in to his bedroom and that made him almost completely bound to the bedroom. Amanda tried to keep his spirits up but she saw him slipping down further every day. She brought Fay around which seemed to be the only thing that got his mood up but soon not even that seemed to work. She feared she was losing him.
'
I can understand how when the edges are rough And they cut you like the tiniest slivers of glass And you feel too much And you don't know how long you're gonna last But I won't let you make the great escape I'm never gonna watch you checkin' out of this place I'm not gonna lose you 'Cause the passion and the pain Are gonna keep you alive someday
I'm terrified of the dark But not if you go with me And I wrote the book on runnin' But that chapter of my life Will soon be done I'm the king of the great escape You're not gonna watch me checkin' out of this place You're not gonna lose me 'Cause the passion and pain Are gonna keep us alive someday ~ The Great Escape by Pink
'
In the mist of everything Fay was turning four and Amanda knew it wasn't right to let that go unrecognized. She set up a small party at the adventure land they visited for her birthday last year. Amanda asked Fay if it was okay to keep it small though since Fin wasn't feeling all that good and all. Fay, being the understanding kid she was, of course had no problem with it. Her guest-list consisted of Johnny, Esteban and Eva of course, Ken and Alejandro were added as were two girls from her class and a boy that was apparently Johnny's best friend and that she mostly invited so Johnny would be happy. Amanda was a bit surprised but still not when Fay said she wanted to invite Nick's daughter Zara. They'd met at the 4th of July party that the 16th precinct set up this summer and Fay had instantly grown attached to the older girl. Fay had been talking quite a lot about her since then and Amanda had given Nick a drawing to give to her. Zara had been sweet enough to write a thank you letter to Fay which now hung on Fay's wall.
Amanda said she would ask Nick but made sure Fay understood Zara wasn't in the city that often since she lived with her mom in DC. But to Amanda's surprise Nick came back with positive news. It wasn't his weekend with Zara but his ex-wife had said yes since Zara said she really wanted to come to Fay's birthday party. Amanda was happy since it made Fay so happy. Fin's injury really had an impact on them all and every little bright influence was very welcomed right now.
Olivia had been at her desk when Nick gave Amanda the news about his and Zara's attendance at Fay's party and it had felt natural to extend the invite to Liv and Cassidy as well. With Fin being shot the entire squad had closed ranks. Amanda really felt the support around her and it helped when she felt very alone every time she visited Fin. Liv said yes but told her Cassidy probably wouldn't attend, they were apparently more off than on at the moment. Amanda spotted Cragen in the office and just decided to invite him as well. Fay liked their captain and with the low numbers of invites for this year's party Amanda thought it would make Fay even happier if he had the time to come around too. He said yes with a smile and asked if he could bring a guest as well. Amanda was more than happy to approve that request.
Fay had of course put down Fin's name on her guest-list as well, at the very top of it, but when relaying that invite Amanda got a negative result. Fin had only made a laughing sound and didn't even bother to answer her. Amanda hadn't pushed knowing he couldn't make it out of the apartment without much aid right now. But she had been willing to help if he'd only seemed slightly interested to visit his daughter's birthday party. It made her sad that not even Fay could get him going. She liked to think that if the roles were reversed she'd do anything possible to attend that party.
Fay was chipper that Saturday morning even if still somber in a way. Amanda could tell. Fay got to pick her clothes and chose a simple H&M dress that she knew Fin liked and she said that's why she wanted to wear it. He liked it because the print that consisted of letters in different shapes and forms accidently formed the word 'wzzup' right underneath her left arm. It was brown with only slight shadowing of black and dark pink around some of the letters and on any other girl it might have been a bit dull but of course Fay spiced it up with choosing turquoise leggings and a striped cardigan in multiple colors.
Last week Teresa had come over with dinner and she'd helped putting tiny, gold rubber bands in her hair to keep the hair off her face. Teresa was working on Fay's birthday but they made a promise to celebrate her birthday another day and Teresa would make her one of her delicious cakes. Fay was really keen on the idea since it involved another day with cake.
They took the car to the adventure land since Amanda had the cake and some party favors for the guests. The car was packed since they had Johnny, Esteban and Eva with them too. Poor Esteban had to sit in-between the two overly excited kids in the back and were poked and probed everywhere by tiny fingers. Eva looked back and told them off from time to time but always sat back up with a smile on her face.
The corner of the adventure land they were assigned to once they got there was already beautifully decorated. Amanda really liked this place and the service they offered. Fay had chosen hamburgers for food and the staff told them to just give them a shout when they were ready to eat. They took the cake from Amanda and placed in their fridge back doors. Eva helped Amanda with the last of the decorations, they of course needed some unicorns to set the stage right for a birthday party for Fay. It was basically just six kids attending and they would probably mostly be playing around in the jungle gym and on the slides. The place also had a short go-cart track and they would get to drive twice each. Esteban was mostly looking forward to this since he was disappointed Fin wouldn't be there. What he didn't know was that a really cute girl his age was coming and this would be one of the best parties he'd ever attended.
Ken and Alejandro showed up early of course and Fay jumped into their arms. They'd brought a rather large gift all wrapped up and Fay's eyes were almost popping out her head. Nick and Zara showed up next and Fay gave Zara a hug that would have you thinking they were the best of friends. Fay immediately took Zara by the hand and introduced her to everyone present, Nick got left a little to the side at first but once Amanda hinted that to Fay she introduced him too.
The two girls from her class showed up at the same time as Johnny's best friend and when their parents made sure Amanda had enough grown-ups around they seemed happy to leave their kids in her care. Cragen walked in right behind them and on his arm he had Ellen. Amanda only knew her by name, Nick not even that and gave Amanda a look once he realized Cragen was seeing someone. Fay recognized Don and gave him a hug and a kiss and a thank you for coming to her birthday party. Amanda smiled as he introduced her to Ellen and Fay shook her hand but then gave her a hug as well. Ellen had been carrying the gift and handed it to Fay. Once everyone had a chance to meet Ellen Fay nudged Don a little and asked;
"Are you girlfriend boyfriend?" Both Amanda and Nick had to hide chuckles.
"Yes I guess we are," Don said.
"I don't have a boyfriend," Fay declared and Don shot Amanda a smile.
"I have a boy that's a friend but that's all he is. He's over there," Fay said and pointed to Johnny who was just going down a slide. Don nodded.
"Well friends are important to have too," Don said and Fay agreed.
Liv had texted she was running late so they let the kids play for a while. She came in flabbergasted and apologized so much. Her car hadn't started this morning and she had trouble hailing down a cab for some reason. Amanda said it was no problem and neither was it for Fay who came running over, hollering Liv's name. She threw herself in Liv's arms as she thanked her for coming.
"You are so welcome sweetie. Thank you for having me," Liv said and touched her nose as she put her down on the floor again. She crunched down and handed Fay her gift. It was only tucked into a gift bag and before Amanda could stop Fay she'd pulled the gift up.
"It's a unicorn," Fay shrieked. It wasn't really, it was a unicorn on the box for a digital camera. And not one of those cheap ones either.
"Wow," Nick said and expressed what Amanda felt. He'd left the group of grown-ups down by the jungle gym to come greet Liv. Fay came over to her mom with the gift to show her the beautiful unicorn.
"Yes, that's a beautiful unicorn," Amanda said, "but do you know what it really is inside? It's a camera."
"A camera?" Fay smiled and only then saw there was actually a picture of a camera on the box as well.
"I hope you're not upset it's not a unicorn inside?" Liv said worryingly.
"No, not at all. I have many unicorns. You can never have enough but I don't have a camera at all," Fay smiled, "thank you Liv. Mama can I go play again?" Amanda gave Fay a nod and it got her running towards her friends immediately after Amanda had taken the gift from her.
"You really didn't have to buy her something this expensive Liv," Amanda said and felt a bit embarrassed. She really hadn't invited them for the gifts.
"Thanks for letting our gift look like it comes from the dollar store," Nick moaned candidly as he grabbed Liv's gift to have a closer look. Liv gave him a look and then turned to Amanda.
"I've never shopped for a four year old. I looked for anything unicorns but found nothing for her age. And then there it was with a unicorn on the box so I just grabbed it," Liv explained, "Is it too technical for her you think?"
"Kid's these days pick up everything so quickly. She'll use it and I'm sure she'll love it," Amanda reassured her.
"You're welcome to Zara's birthday any day partner," Nick said as he handed the camera back to Amanda and he winked at Liv. She made a face at him.
"Oh come on in now, meet our captain's new girlfriend," Amanda said and gestured her in.
"Cragen has a girlfriend?" Liv asked.
"Ellen," Nick smiled and they walked over so she could meet her.
After hamburgers, some go-carting, cake and opening presents the kids were back up climbing and sliding. Amanda noticed Liv was on her own back at the tables and she called Fay over and told her to go over and thank Liv properly for the nice gift. Liv had just seemed low and Amanda figured it might be the off again with Cassidy and everything with Fin and she might be in need of some Fay loving. Fay happily ran over.
"Hey Liv," she said as she ran over and Liv looked up.
"Well hey there birthday girl," Liv smiled and welcomed the child up in her lap.
"You're enjoying your birthday party?" she asked and Fay nodded.
"You feel bad you're too big to go on the slides right?" Fay said and tried to wink with her eyebrows. She succeeded just a little bit but it made Liv laugh.
"You are absolutely right," she said when she was done laughing.
"That's what Fin says every time we're here," Fay said and reached for a blown out candle on the table.
"Thank you so much for the camera Liv. I loved it," Fay said and then gave Liv another hug.
"You're so very welcome," Liv said and hugged the girl tight.
"I've been thinking of this thing I'm going to do with it," Fay enlighten her and Liv wondered when on earth she had time to think of that but listen intensely to the little girl.
"Well there's this cute, cutest pony ever, at the zoo where my mama takes me. Her name is Blossom, it really suits her. Well I'm gonna take a photo of her with your camera and then I'm gonna paint a horn on the photo to make her a unicorn," Fay held out her hands in the air like she'd just come up with the greatest idea ever. Liv nodded with a big smile on her face.
"And I'm going to give one to you as a thank you and because I love you," she shot Liv the most adorable smile Liv had ever seen, "and I'm going to make one for the zoo to put in Blossom's booth cause don't you think secretly every horse really wants to be a unicorn?" Liv nodded as the girl continued;
"Would you want a tail?" she looked very seriously at Liv. The question caught Liv off guard and she honestly didn't know what to answer since it wasn't something she'd really thought about before now.
"Well, I don't know but I don't think so," Liv said.
"Me neither. It would just be something else you need to brush and shampoo and think about all the hassle with the clothes and all. You would have to cut holes and, well I guess if more people had tails then they would make clothes with holes already there but if I had a choice I would go with no tail I still think." Fay had started rubbing the candle over the white paper cloth and it made a slight pink tint to it.
"Hey there," Amanda said and had a seat next to them. She'd kept an eye on them and noticed her daughter hogging the conversation and figured Liv might need a vent. You needed that at times when Fay got going.
"Hi mama, Liv doesn't want a tail either," Fay said quickly and Amanda just nodded.
They had been discussing tails and horns and other animal and humans extremities in their home lately. It had started somewhere after Fin's shooting and after Amanda tried to explain to Fay what was wrong with Fin. Fay had asked if they would cut his legs off if he couldn't use them to which Amanda had answered no and the follow-up questions had then been about if you could live without legs and what other parts you could live without. Fay had drawn links to horses which she thought was unicorns in the beginning but someone had thought they didn't need the horns, that they were just in the way for some reason she didn't get at all and they cut them off. And now all the horses had to be sad about not having a horn just like Fin must be sad about having no legs. Well let's just say there had been a lot of pondering and magical thinking in the Rollins household as of late.
"I wish Fin was here too," Fay said suddenly and Liv stroke her hair.
"Me too squirt," Amanda acknowledge her but added, "why don't you head over to your friends and play some more?"
"Okay," Fay sighed but smiled and gave Liv a hug before she ran back to the slides where most kids were at right now. They both looked after her. She was fast on those tiny legs of hers, she waved at Cragen and Nick as she ran by them and soon joined her friends. Zara waved her over so they could go down the slide together.
"She's truly special," Liv said and Amanda couldn't object.
"Has she seen Fin since…?" Liv asked and Amanda turned around so she could look at her. She nodded.
"I've brought her over a few times," Amanda told her.
"Her presence not working magic on him?" Liv asked and Amanda shook her head. Liv sighed.
"He's not returning texts anymore," Liv told Amanda in case she didn't know.
"He's withdrawing more and more," Amanda said with her eyes somewhere in the distance, "I'm not sure what to do."
"Does Ken see him?" Liv asked and Amanda nodded still stargazing.
"Ken's trying too, but he's shut down. He made the physiotherapist cry earlier this week," Amanda shook her head with a gloomy smile as she recalled the call from the hospital. He seemed to have just given up on ever walking without an aid. Problem was that his injury was regressing when he wouldn't move at all. If he didn't take the fight now there was a chance he would become permanently bound to his bed and it wasn't the life she wanted for him. For them.
He didn't need this. He didn't want the drama. That's why he got divorced so many years ago. He wasn't the relationship type. She knew that. Before they got together. She knew what she was signing up for. Okay Fay weren't Amanda's fault. She wasn't anyone's fault, she was a true charm. But the kid became part of the deal. Again, Amanda knew what she was signing herself up for he thought to himself.
Sure he had thought about it. He had started to believe that maybe they could be... something. He didn't dare to think family. He had thought it and it made this fall so much steeper.
Those moments where all three of them were chilling on the couch and Fay said something funny. That girl could make you smile that was for sure. And her mom too. He would miss those moments. But it was too late now. Too late for all that. He'd missed too much in the past too. He didn't deal with the teething, the night terrors, the chicken pocks or the whining. He'd been around mostly for the good parts. He knew that. He'd missed so much and now it was all too late. His life was over. He should just check out so the people around him could just move on.
Amanda wouldn't give up so easy though. She had to get him back to the place they were at before the shooting. There had been a difference. She'd felt it. And if not for her and Fay, she wanted it for himself. He wasn't a quitter. He was a fighter and it was about time he stepped up and showed it.
They were on their way home from Fay's birthday party and Fay kept nagging Amanda that she wanted to see Fin. Fay knew better than to nag but she still kept going so Amanda knew it was important to her. So they ended up just dropping Eva and her boys off and then they drove over to Fin's. Fay had saved a piece of her cake for Fin and talked Amanda into bringing up her bag with birthday gifts. Fay proudly carried the box with Fin's cake. Amanda had his key and let them inside after knocking loudly.
"It's Amanda and Fay," she shouted inside when she couldn't spot him in the living room. Not that she had expected him to be there but she'd hoped.
"And cake," Fay added loudly as she sat down to get her shoes off. Amanda had brought some leftovers from the party as well and brought them into the kitchen.
"Fay be careful, remember no jumping on the bed," she hurried to say as Fay's short legs hurried by.
"I remember," she shouted as she ran down the hallway. Amanda figured it was best to join them, Fin had just been so short with Fay lately and Amanda felt the need to protect the little one. She found Fay right by Fin's side up on the bed. He was lying down but had the two pillows behind his head so he got up a little. The cover looked as though it had been hastily pulled up.
Fay was smiling as she showed him the piece of cake and described how it had looked before they dug into it. Fin wasn't smiling as much. Amanda scanned him and the room quickly. Nothing seemed to have moved from when she was there last night. He had the same shirt on and she suspected, the same boxers. The curtains were still pulled shut. The room felt stuffy and in need of a cracked window or something.
"Mama you have photos right, show him the cake," Fay urged. Amanda got her phone up of her back pocket and quickly found her way to her gallery. Fay waited with anticipation but when Amanda showed Fin he didn't show much interest at all. Fay pointed and, in her usual manner, tried to explain the taste with elaborate words and gestures. Amanda flipped through some other photos from the party but Fin didn't even look at the screen so she put it away finally. She started to clear the bed stand table a little instead. She knew the homecare giver had been there earlier and it seemed he'd at least finished his breakfast today.
"You need a fork, mama is there a fork over there?" Fay asked and sat up on her knees as she placed the cake box on Fin's stomach. Amanda couldn't find one and shook her head.
"I'll get one, you have to taste this Fin," Fay said cheerily and jumped down of his bed to head towards the kitchen. Amanda rearranged some plates on his bedside table as she shot him tiny glimpses.
"How are you doing today?" she asked. She saw him just inhale deeply as he pushed the box off his chest.
"She had fun at her birthday party in case you wondered," she said and tried to hide the sigh that escaped her. He still didn't say anything, didn't even look at her. The TV was on, on mute though, and he kept staring at the screen. She looked over and saw it was last night's basketball game. He'd probably already seen it she figured.
"She missed you though, talked about you to everyone. Olivia was there, Nick and Zara, and Cragen. With his girlfriend. Everyone missed you," she tried to look for any reaction and felt disgruntled when none came. She heard Fay coming down the hallway again and let it be for now.
"You have to see my presents," Fay said as she came around the corner. She'd brought the bag with gifts as she got the fork.
"But cake is most important," she said as she sat down next to him again. She left the bag to her side and got the cake back up on his stomach again. Amanda moved the empty plates and glasses over to his dresser but didn't let her eyes off them too long. She watched as Fay got a piece of cake on the fork and stuck it to Fin.
"Open," she said and then mimicked what she wanted him to do.
"I'm not really hungry," Fin said and sounded bored.
"But taste it, you have to," Fay urged, "just one bite. Please." Fin sighed but then finally opened up his mouth. Fay looked overjoyed and waited with anticipated as he chewed.
"Isn't it heavenly?" Fay asked once Fin didn't say anything.
"It's okay," he answered and Amanda had to turn her back to them to hide the disappointment that came over her face.
"Heavenly. You can save it for later though," Fay just said. Not much right now could get her mood down. She carefully stepped over Fin and placed the cake on his bedside table. Amanda watched and feared she would lose her balance but could breathe again as she sat back down.
"Okay let's look at my gifts," she said and grabbed the bag.
"This you like, I got if from my friends Nell and Chelsea," she held the gift up to his face but he showed not much interest.
"It's a videogame," she said when he didn't say or do anything. He just gave her a nod. Fay gave her mom a quick look and Amanda sent her a too big of a smile just to weigh up the one she didn't get from Fin. Fay looked a bit uncertain but put the game down and reached for another gift in the bag.
"And this Zara gave me. And Nick. Isn't it so cute?" Fay held up the shirt with the unicorn on it that they'd bought her.
"It came with a wand too," Fay smiled and searched her bag. When that one didn't get any response from Fin either Fay again turned to her mother, this time with a sad looking face. Amanda felt bad for her.
"Honey, why don't you go out into the living room and maybe try out your new videogame? Let me talk to Fin for a bit okay?" Amanda suggested as she approached the bed. Fay looked to Fin, he was looking at the TV screen again. He seemed almost unaware of what else was going on in his bedroom.
"Okay," Fay said with a tiny voice and Amanda helped her get her things back in the bag. Amanda found a bundle of used wrapping paper and took it out from the bag so Fay could carry it easier. She helped Fay down off the bed and planted a kiss on her forehead while doing it. She watched her leave the room with a sulky disposition, dragging the bag with gifts on the floor after her. Amanda kept staring at the empty door way for a while, wanting Fay to get out of hear sight and perhaps just to prolong confronting Fin which she didn't look forward to. His slump scared her a bit she had to admit. He just seemed so lost.
Once she felt Fay should have made it to the living room she turned and looked at him. He kept his eyes on the TV though. She felt anger flare inside and without thinking she threw the bundle of wrapping paper straight at him. Her good aim made it land right at his chest.
"What the fuck?" he said and for a brief second she at least saw some flare in his eyes.
"Yeah what the fuck Fin?" she shot right back. She could tell by his face he knew what she was hinting to. She got even angrier though as he lost the spark and just turned his head while giving it a slight shake. She took the few steps over to him and yanked the remote out of his hand. He protested as she took it and then when she turned the TV off.
"I was watching that," he grunted.
"We both know you've already seen it," she spit out.
"You can dream," he said while just watching the screen and she couldn't help but loosen up a little. It was something they said. When watching a rerun of a game when "their" team lost you could always dream the result would come out differently on the rerun. Their team had lost last night. But she saw the sadness behind his eyes and figured there were probably more things he dreamed about right now.
"You can't do that to her," Amanda still said. She wouldn't let him get away with hurting Fay.
"Do what?" he asked, sounding like he had better things to do.
"She nagged me to drive her over her after her party and you know she knows how I feel about nagging," Amanda told him and tried to keep her voice down.
"She had so much fun at the party but she wanted you there Fin."
"Well tough," Fin sighed. Amanda rolled her eyes and then took a deep breath.
"She loves you Fin. You could have at least shown some interest in her gifts and the cake she so desperately wanted to bring you."
She got no response and it annoyed her so very much she felt like throwing the remote at him too. Not wanting to injure him she ended up throwing it across the room instead. It hit part of the curtain and thankfully didn't make such a loud sound or seemed to break. Not that she thought of that right at that second but the second later as the raging flare withered down.
"Fuck, I need that," Fin seemed angry again. At least something Amanda thought to herself.
"You need to get up off your ass Fin," Amanda shouted but then tried to keep her voice down to not alarm Fay.
"Tell me what to do to help you get up and out of here. What can I do to help you Fin?"
"I don't want help. I don't need your help," Fin sounded spiteful.
"You do Fin. You can't just lay here and wither away. I won't let you," Amanda tried.
"There's nothing you can do for me, don't you get it? You're not a miracle worker. The doctor told me I won't get a hundred percent back. That will just not happen."
"Well you can at least try a hundred. So what if you don't get the whole way? Anything would be better than you just fading away in this stuffy old room," Amanda wasn't sure how she could persuade him and was just trying anything that came into her mind.
"Well maybe I want to stay here. In my old stuffy room with my old stuffy self." He'd gone back to that pathetic miserable looking face and she hated seeing him like that.
"But I'm here Fin," she said quietly.
"No one asked you to be here," he shot her a brief look but then had to look away since he couldn't face her. He felt pathetic and he hated showing her just how pathetic he was.
"I'm here cause I want to be here and there's nothing you can say that will stop me," she said it slowly and seriously hoping it would register inside that thick skull of his.
"What about Fay?" she asked.
"What about her?" he shot back quickly. Amanda shot a look towards the door, she feared Fay could hear them.
"Don't Fin," she begged, "don't be a schmuck. Don't go back on what we talked about. You can't do that to her. She has a right to know who you are. I want her to know where she comes from,"
"What good will that do her? I have nothing to offer her," he threw out his hand in the air obviously upset.
"Sure you do," Amanda said as she took a step closer to him.
"What?"
"You mean the world to her, and to me. We could be a family."
"We can never be a family, don't you get it? That's not me," he sounded so very angry but she wouldn't give in now.
"But we were on our way Fin... towards something... new. You can't try and pretend we weren't."
"Well that's over with. This is me now. Nothing new, I'm just old and wasted."
"Don't say that," she didn't like how pitiful she sounded and tried to straighten herself up.
"Why not? It's the truth. Look at me Amanda? I can't get myself out of bed? What good am I to anyone?"
"Don't you fucking get it by now? I'll take you anyway I can get you."
"Well you should see someone about that. Being desperate isn't flattering on anyone, you should try and keep some dignity," he regretted it as soon as he heard it come out of his mouth but by then it was too late. Her face immediately dropped. He'd hit a sore spot, he'd been aiming for it without thinking. She bit the inside of her cheek, tried to get her emotions under control. She felt though that she was losing the internal battle. Tears were threatening to escape her eyes any second and she ran out of there so they wouldn't flow in front of him. He felt like calling out after her but something stopped him from doing so. Instead he just smashed his palms on his forehead and scolded himself for being such an inconsiderate ass.
Fay usually got totally absorbed when she played her videogame but today though the voices from the bedroom got her attention. She was used to hearing them argue loudly but they always seemed to do it in a not so serious way and they always made up. Today though she didn't like the tones of their voices. She'd never heard Fin sound so angry and it scared her a little. She remembered that mama had told her to go sit in the living room, that she wanted to talk to Fin alone. She tried to concentrate on the cute little fuzzy figure on the screen but there it was again. Fin's angry voice.
She got up off the couch but just stood there for a while and watched down the hallway towards where the angry voices came from. She wanted to go down but she was a little afraid too. She still started moving a little down the hall. She put her little palm against the wall and dragged it along as she walked down the hall. She stopped as she heard her mama use a curse word, not in an angry way though, she sounded more sad. And then Fin's angry voice. She saw her mama came running out of the bedroom. She didn't spot Fay at first but when she did she quickly said:
"Mama just need the bathroom, I'll be right out." The door shut before Fay could say anything. She watched down the hall towards Fin's bedroom. She expected him to come running after but then she remembered he couldn't run any longer. Maybe that's why he was so angry she thought to herself. She was a little afraid he would still be angry but still walked on. She looked at the bathroom door as she passed it. Mama had looked sad. She looked sad a lot lately.
Fin sighed and rubbed his face with both hands. Why wouldn't she just leave him alone? Why did she have to push him? He didn't want to hurt her but didn't she get that he was totally useless for her like this. He had nothing to offer her any more, if he'd ever had. His thoughts were interrupted by a tiny creature in the doorway.
"Hey there, lurking much?" he said and looked at her. She had her serious face on and she watched him from underneath her eyebrows as she slowly made her way inside the room. She stayed by the wall and slowly crept closer to him. She was a cute kid. And he wasn't saying that just because he was her dad. He knew it was all Amanda. That blond afro. Her mother's eyes, except for the color, and her nose and mouth. The slim figure. Those dimples and that gorgeous smile. And that personality. Her mother's sassiness and spunk. Her dad's cool. She would grow up to be a heartbreaker, he knew it already. But most importantly he was starting to realize that she would probably grow up to be a very kind and goodhearted person. Even though that was mostly cause of Amanda he figured he had a little part in it and either way he felt pride.
"You made my mama cry," and there it was, the honesty. The righteousness. The caring. Just some of the ingredients that made this little girl perfect in his eyes.
"I know," he said with honest sadness to his voice. She picked up at it and made her way over to the bed. Still slowly though, wouldn't give in that easy. She leaned against the bed by his feet.
"Why?" she finally asked as she picked on his cover with her tiny fingers. He took a deep breath as he thought about her question. He knew he couldn't say 'cause your mom wants to tell you I'm your dad but I'm too much of a coward to let her cause then I'd have to fess up to you and all my wrongful doings' even though he wanted to.
"Cause I'm dealing with some stuff and I take it out on your mama cause she's the only one I trust," he said honestly but wasn't sure it was the right thing to say to a four year old.
"Is the stuff your legs and all?" she said as she swept her hand over his cover, touching his legs on her way. He could feel it even though not as much as he'd like. He nodded somewhat in awe she got it. The girl seemed to think about it. She put both her arms down on his bed and then laid down her head in a way so she could still face him.
"Can you try and deal with it some other way cause I don't like it when she cries," the girl's word made his chest ache. He felt unable to say anything right at that moment. She started to draw something with her finger on the cover and her eyes followed her finger.
"She cries a lot for you, you know," the girl confessed as she kept watching her finger move over the cover.
"She does, does she?" he managed to whisper. Fay nodded with her eyes still on the bed. He didn't know this.
"She tries to hide it from me but I can see when she's done it. I hear her at night sometimes." It was hard for him to hear it but he needed to.
"I'm sorry," he said and the girl looked up at him.
"You should tell mama that," she said with so much awareness to her voice it almost freaked him out. He nodded.
"I should. Can you get her back for me?" he asked her. She got her head back up, thought about it just briefly and then nodded the second before she ran towards the door.
"Freeze," he called out and stopped her right at the door. She froze and turned around with a curious face.
"How did you become so smart?" he asked with a head nod. Again she took a second to think about what he asked and then said with a proud smile over her face;
"Cause I have a very smart mama." She turned and left. He heard the delightful patter of her tiny feet as she ran down the hall.
"Yes, you certainly do. Not such a smart daddy though," he sighed. He took a deep breath and tried to collect his thoughts. He needed to fix this. It wouldn't take that long until he first saw Fay coming round the corner outside his door and with her, in a tight grip on her hand, Amanda. Fay led her inside and only let her go after she'd passed the foot of the bed. Fay walked back behind her mom and leaned on her elbows on the bed by his feet.
"There was something you wanted to say?" Fay said looking from him up on her mom. Fin could tell Amanda had been crying even if she tried to cover it up using her bangs as a curtain. Fin nodded. He caught glimpses of Amanda's eyes through the fine blond strands. He could tell by her demeanor she felt threaten and weak and tried to cover it up by holding her body firmly upright.
"I'm sorry," he said with as much sincerity as he had in him. Her chest moved as though she tried to keep sobs from escaping. He wanted to hold her and he held out his hand in the air. Fay again looked from him up on her mom with those big light brown eyes of hers. Fin saw Amanda look down on Fay and a tear escaped her eye that Amanda quickly wiped away. Amanda turned her head up again and she took a slow step towards him. Fay immediately came up behind her and pushed her a bit by putting her palms to her moms butt. It made both Amanda and Fin smile.
Amanda carefully got up on his bed and lay down next to him immediately getting his big arms around her. He kissed the top of her head as she lay down on his chest. Fay meanwhile snuck around the bed and came up on the other side. Eagerly she crawled up to them and placed herself on Fin's other side. He let one arm go off Amanda so he could hug the little girl too. His little girl. He kissed the top of her head too and got afro tickling his nose as thanks. He huffed and puffed a bit and Fay chuckled.
"Too much hair," Fin grunted as he tried to swipe it off his face as Fay wiggled to get cozy by his neck.
"Oh you know you love it," she said with some sass to it and Fin felt Amanda giggle against his body. He rubbed her back with his hand. Loved to hear her happy and not sad even though he knew he had more amends to do.
"Probably wish you had some yourself," the girl added which made Amanda's body giggle even harder and unable to keep it quiet. Fin made big eyes but of course couldn't keep the smile from taking over.
"Sassy like you mother," he grunted.
"And that's why you love us," she said and popped her head up so her face was just by his.
"Oh that's what you think?" he said and made big eyes at her. She tried copying him but since she couldn't control her face as good as him both her mouth and nose worked to get it just right. Amanda looked up at them from her perfect position. She smiled at them as her hand sneaked up on his chest and landed palm down just above his heart. After a few minutes of face copying the girl rolled over Fin's body and planted herself half way on top of him and half way on top of her mother. She put her arms as much around them as she was able to, put her head down on her mother's head and then sighed.
"Don't you just wish you could lie like this for hours and snuggle," the girl said with a dreamy voice.
"Ha," Fin said making both female forms jump on top of him. Fay looked up at him.
"You? Like this for hours? You wouldn't stand one hour my lady," he said knowing her restlessness oh so well.
"Aha," she said.
"Naha," he said. Amanda just kept quiet. She knew he was right but she'd take her daughters side in any battle so this time she just kept quiet.
"Dare," she said.
"You're on," he said and Fay put her head down again. It took five minutes. Then Amanda started to feel her daughters limbs move. She had to smile to herself. God bless this little girl. So stubborn, what else with the parent's she had, but oh so restless. She'd last, if you were lucky, up to 20 minutes in front of the television. Then she'd start to squirm. Even earlier if whatever was on didn't catch her attention. Going to a movie at a theater were useless. She wouldn't last even if the movie was great. At home Amanda could give her something to do while watching and she always had a bag full of distracters with her when they were out and about in case they would have to stand in a line or wait for a longer period of time.
She was up for games though, and you could distract her while trying to spot a certain type of car, 20 questions and such things but it wasn't always you could play a game. Amanda had even talked about Fay's restlessness with the pediatrician. Of course she said she would probably grow out of it and it was nothing to worry about for now. And Amanda wasn't worried, she'd been the same as a child her mother had told her numerous times, but it was still somewhat settling to hear it from a professional.
So here they were, Fay had dared Fin she would last an hour. She'd lost even before she'd started. Amanda appreciated those five minutes though. It had been very consoling. Another minute went by when she felt her daughter's hips start to wiggle. Amanda couldn't see her daughter since she was partly on top of her but she felt her and she felt her chin against her and soon her chin moved.
"How long has it been?" she asked quietly and Amanda couldn't help but chuckle. Fin looked over to the watch on the bed stand.
"Six minutes kid," he said and Amanda felt her daughter take a deep breath of disappointment. She squeezed his chest a little.
"Okay kid, listen here," he said and lifted his eyes a bit. Amanda felt Fay's head move. She turned her head and met Fin's eye.
"I wasn't really thinking this through when I made the dare. I mean I'm at the bottom here," he gestured with his hand.
"And you ladies aren't exactly tiny," he added and raised an eyebrow.
"You calling me and mama fat?" Fay shrieked but the humor was obvious.
"Oh now I'm not ever calling your mama fat. She tried to lure me with that one once when you were in her tummy. I'm not falling for that again," he said and touched Fay's cheek as he winked at her.
"You called her fat when I was in her belly?" Fay said shocked and rolled down to his side again.
"Oh now I didn't. She tried to make it as she was fat," he tried to explain.
"Well I've seen the photos mama and I'm sorry but you were kinda fat," the girl said as she patted her mom on the shoulder. Amanda's eyes grew wider as Fin started to chuckle.
"Okay, bye then," Fay said with an ohoh on her face and quickly got out of bed and ran out of there. Amanda turned her wide eyes up to met Fin's. He was still chuckling.
"That kid," Amanda whispered as she laid down her head on his chest again. She liked hearing his heart beat against her ear. Fin settled down and stroked her hair gently.
"Yeah that kid," he repeated. Amanda shifted her head so she could look up at him. He stroke away some hair from her cheek and then nodded. She waited for him to talk.
"I'm sorry," he whispered seriously, "I don't know why I said all those things."
"I get it Fin. I do. And it doesn't have to happen in an instant but I can't leave you like this. I need you to step up. In more ways than one."
"Okay. But give me some time though. Give me time to try and get up out of here. And then we'll tell her," he said as he held on to her eyes. She felt those sobs threatening to break out again and she swallowed hard. She couldn't keep her eyes from watering up though but she didn't really care either. She grabbed a hold of his shirt a bit. Then she moved herself upwards so she could lightly put her lips against his. He tasted her lips gently and then she laid her head back on his chest again. He grabbed a hold of her with both arms and they stayed like that for a long time. His heartbeat in her ear was soothing.
"I love you Amanda," he said and loud enough so he knew she would hear him.