Disclaimer: The pups or anything else that in any way resembles JKR's work is not mine. The Bantersaurus Rex, however, is owned by moi, and if anyone wishes to rent it for a party to ensure that conversation is particularly hilarious and random, then please contact me at: rentadinosaur32 .uk

Part Two: The Bantersaurus Rex is a Rare Creature That Must be Preserved

"Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!"

"Shut up, or I'll poke you in the eye with Prongs' morning wood." Remus snapped grumpily, batting away whatever was making that irritating whispery sound in his ear. He rolled over, squinting in the early morning sun, to look at his clock. Six thirty. Beside his clock was a head of cropped red hair and imploring green eyes.

It took a moment before the previous night's events flooded back – which explained why Sirius was draped all over him, why he had a thumping headache and why he had said something out loud that he normally considered highly rude and rather unnecessary.

"I'm going to forget you said that." Lily said drily in that odd male-Lily-Evans voice, "I need your help, Rem."

"I act like a retard now, Evans." Remus yawned, earning himself a hand slapped over his mouth as Sirius stirred behind him, "You really want me to help you out? I'll probably announce it at breakfast. Ooo, can I announce it at breakfast?"

"No!" she hissed urgently, "Since both you and Black respond well to my threats, you will not tell anyone about this, or I'll tell everyone – that's right, everyone – about your little thing with Sirius."

"Conniving little bitch." Remus muttered. Lily narrowed her eyes.

"You may be able to use the excuse that it's Sirius' impulsiveness making you speak, but it's your thoughts you're speaking." She reminded him coolly.

"Well, duh." Remus smirked, "They're all Siriusised, though. So, not my fault after all. Moving on – what did you want from the legend that is Remus Lupin?"

Lily blinked at him before shaking her head, "Merlin, it's weird to hear you talking like that. But, err, can we discuss this in the bathroom?"

"Sure, but we have to be quick." Remus said with another yawn as he rolled out of bed, "Wouldn't want Prongs thinking we're up to no good, would we?"

"Here, drink this." She whispered, digging in her pyjama pocket and handing him a vial of what he recognised to be a hangover potion – which was when Remus realised she was wearing his pyjamas. He took it and downed the bitter potion in one as he followed her across the dorm.

"Didn't realise you like me so much you had to steal my clothes, Red."

"James doesn't have any, I wasn't about to ask Black – or you, now – and I was not going to wear Peter's. And anyway, your trunk was in reach and I was tired." She explained in a hushed voice as James turned over in his bed and continued to snore like a bear.

"No need to lie to me, darling."

Lily sent him another glare, walking a little oddly as they entered the bathroom. She locked the door, silenced it with a wordless charm and turned to Remus, who was leant back against one of the shower cubicles with his arms folded. She looked down and then back up again – too quickly. Remus realised that she had realised that he was fairly underdressed and smirked at her light blush.

"I, err, have a problem." She said, obviously embarrassed by whatever it was.

"Something that the doting boyfriend can't fix?"

"No!" Lily said quickly, "He'll just make it weird and I know he feels awkward about my being a boy and…and you're gay, so you're not attracted to me. So it won't be as weird, right?"

Remus lifted his eyebrows, amused at the usually articulate Lily Evans sounding so unsure of herself, "I can't answer that unless you tell me what it is."

Lily took a deep breath and gestured to her nether regions. Remus' eyes dipped and a wide grin spread across his face for a fleeting moment – the blush that would have tinted his cheeks had he been himself did not arrive. Instead, he shrunk his grin into a lopsided smirk and drooped his eyelids. Lily swallowed thickly, seeing one of Sirius' most dangerous expressions adorning sweet Remus' face.

"Ah," Remus said in a soft, silky voice that sounded odd to his own ears as it wasn't one he would have ever used himself, "So because I'm the gay one, it wouldn't be awkward for me to help a very pretty boy jerk off?"

"Err—I—I don't…" Lily stammered, backing up a step and flushing a deep, tomato red that clashed with her hair horribly. Remus laughed, breaking the spell, and flapped his hands around.

"I'm just kidding around, Evans." He chuckled, "Calm down, I'm not going to shag you against the shower wall or anything. Prongs would poison my tea. You do make a very attractive boy, though, and this is coming from the guy whose standards are as high as the almighty prat that is Sirius Orion Black."

Lily relaxed with her third glare of the morning and the sighed, "Okay, thanks. I guess"

"You're thanking me for not coming on to you?" Remus asked with a theatrical sigh, "Must be losing my touch."

"I'm thanking you for the compliment," Lily laughed. Remus smiled at having broken the tension after having made her uncomfortable, "The flirting was, err, scarily effective."

"Oh dear, I made Potter's girlfriend hard." Remus gasped, covering his mouth with his hand, before doubling over with hearty laughter, "Oh, gods! That is definitely the most messed up thing I've ever said."

"Yes, yes, hilarious." The red haired boy snapped, folding her arms (it's not getting any less weird).

"Okay," Remus smiled, straightening up and calming down, "What is it you need help with?"

"I…err, I tried to…you know, but it just felt weird and it kind of hurt."

Remus had to bite his tongue to stop himself from laughing again. He was glad he had Sirius' attitude on side in what could have been a very awkward conversation that would have gotten nowhere if Remus had been his usual, prudish self. "That's not unusual. It's not like guys are born with the knowledge of what feels good and what doesn't."

He moved towards her, making Lily back up against the wall beside the sink. He propped an elbow against the wall beside her head and leered down at her, "You have to experiment, see what feels good for you and what doesn't. When you get it right for the first time," his voice lowered and he leaned down to murmur in her ear, "It's like a current runs through you, like everything's suddenly clear. It feels damned good. You need to imagine something that turns you on, that makes you feel hot. James won't work in this form, but I think I know what will."

He felt Lily shiver against him and moved closer, pressing his bare chest against her, "You're attracted to guys, right? So why don't you use those images of what you think Sirius and I could be like? Don't shake your head, you're not as straight laced as everyone else thinks. I know you, remember? Maybe better than Prongs does in a way." Remus pulled back to see Lily almost shaking with the need to go and do something about the problem in her pyjamas, "It's difficult, isn't it? A lot more challenging for a man to wait than it is for a woman."

Lily scowled at him and pulled Remus' pyjama top off and showed him the finger, "Get out. I need a shower."

"'Course you do." Remus smirked, backing toward the door, "Don't worry, I won't tell Jamie about our little thing in here."

Ducking a flying toothbrush aimed at his head, he closed the door, still laughing as he went to go sit on Sirius' bed. The occupant groaned and rolled over to squint at him. Remus patted his shoulder sympathetically.

"How are you so…okay?" Sirius asked in a pained voice.

"Evans gave me a potion." Remus explained, "Probably took it from my trunk."

"Thieving cow." Sirius muttered.

"Took the words right out of my mouth. I'll get you some, mate." Remus said, getting up go over to his trunk. Sirius laughed softly.

"Actually, you would have taken them out of my mouth."

Remus smiled, a little stiffly, "I'll bet I'm a lot less boring like this."

"What? No!" Sirius objected with an offended frown, "You're never boring, Moony! I actually miss the way you usually talk."

Remus went to sit back on the edge of the bed and handed Sirius the potion. The other boy took it and their fingers brushed together. Both froze and met the other's eyes. Before either could make a move, a groan from James' bed drew their attention. Remus cleared his throat and got to his feet to go and get dressed for lessons and throw James a vial of potion, too.

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Later that morning, after hiding under their covers until the other boys, Frank and the Gideon brothers, had left to go down to breakfast, the group of misfits had gathered in the dorm to discuss how to go about the first day of their dares.

"Remember then, men…and Peter" James said with a nod to the goo beside him, "We're not to tell anyone that these are dares. If people guess, let them, but otherwise they are to think whatever they like."

"Oh, so people are just going to assume that these are all life choices, then." Remus said sarcastically, "The nudist, the puddle, the psychedelic afro and the sex change. Mmm, I'll bet no one will look at you lot of freaks twice."

"Whatever, that's just the game." James grinned, "Hey, who'd have ever thought the werewolf would be the normal one here?"

Remus laughed Sirius' bark-like laugh and clapped James on the shoulder, who lurched forwards and almost face planted Peter. Which, honestly, would have been hilarious.

"Gods, now I know why you don't like to wrestle," James said, looking slightly disgruntled as he straightened his robes and Lily laughed. Sirius stepped forward, rubbing his hands together as he looked around at them.

"Into the fire then, boys." He said cheerfully, and turned and left the dorm with a strut that might have looked impressive and confident, had he not been wearing, well…that. Remus chuckled and followed, feeling marvellously normal as the puddle, the sex change and the psychedelic afro fell in line behind him. The dreary Monday morning hum of half-hearted chat dimmed until it cut out completely as the four Marauders – "wait…where did that fifth one come from?" could be heard from various corners of the common room as they spotted Lily-the-seventeen-year-old-boy – and Lily descended the stairs as elegantly as they could.

Is it possible to appear graceful when you are, for example: bright green and have hair larger than Tina Turner on her favourite hair spray; a new boy who keeps tripping down several steps at a time due possessing to slightly longer legs than usual; a puddle of orange goo that sort of slips down a step, folds over itself and yelps in pain and then repeats the process again; a boy who insists on swaggering down at the same time as sending various onlookers – whether they be male or female – flirtatious winks and suggestive smirks; or a boy who is naked save for a leopard print piece of cloth that covers his valuables in the most precarious manner possible? Answer: no, no you cannot.

Sirius, apparently unsure of whether he wanted to cover himself or proudly display himself, tried to cover himself at the same time as throwing his arms out and announcing their arrival. Such a confusion resulted in the scantily clad boy wobbling dangerously and his arms flailing around in a way he would deny if teasingly questioned later. Remus, holding his belly, laughed – hard – at his friend, but the sound cut out quickly when one of the flailing arms flew his way and fingers grasped his robes for balance. Remus spun around and jumped at Lily for support. He slipped on the Peter-puddle, which howled in outrage and agony as Remus stomped over his…something of other (let's stop pretending we know for sure that he has any kind of body part), and scrabbled at his/her chest. Lily tried to bat him away but he held fast as he started to fall along with Sirius and, despite having a little more boyish strength than usual, (come on, she was supporting two fully grown boys who were obviously firmly set in their decision to fall down the stairs and embarrass themselves further), shrieked in a rather unmanly way that made her proud and every other boy in the world flinch, grabbing blindly for James behind her. James, having watched the scene unfold with an amused grin, blinked as Lily's hand closed around his arm. His eyes barely had a chance to widen before he was pulled off his feet and was forced to follow the others – minus the Peter-puddle – down into the common room.

Everyone stared down at the marauders and the new one all lying in a heap on the floor – shortly followed by the orange goo that slid slowly down the stairs in a mildly, comically uncontrollable way. Remus stepped in, in true Sirius-fashion, and jumped to his feet, throwing his arms open and bowing to their audience.

"The five Marauders!" he announced, "We're here all week."

A fifth year boy lifted a hand tentatively and said in a small voice, "I thought there were only four of you."

"There are only four of them." Another voice piped up, "That chubby one's lost a load of weight and dyed his hair ginger."

"Hey!" the Peter-puddle cried indignantly, earning a few surprised double-takes. Sirius managed to untangle himself from a dazed James and a blushing Lily and jumped to his feet alongside Remus, who finally straightened up from his bow.

"We've always had five." Sirius told the room at wide, with a convincing frown.

"Yup." Remus put in helpfully, "Dunno what you're talking about."

"I think you lot might be hallucinating."

"Might wanna see Poppy about that."

"Fancy forgetting about one of your fellow housemates!"

"Disgraceful! You should be ashamed of yourselves."

"You owe us big time, missy. Plural missies. And misters. And both, or whatever floats your brooms. What do you think, Messr. Moony?"

"I agree, Messr. Padfoot. You can all deliver your chocolate to our dorm and we shall consider this incident forgotten and forgiven."

"And Peter's just having some liquidity problems." Sirius added, turning to gather up his fallen comrades and sliding Peter along the floor with his foot.

"And just for the record, he's not chubby," Remus added to the now silent common room, "He's horizontally challenged." He turned to help Sirius pick up their friends as the boy in question jumped around and waved his foot in the air, screaming about slime and that being 'inside' Peter Pettigrew was mentally scarring and not at all pleasurable: waaayyy to lose. I like it tight, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge."

He slung his arm around Remus' neck and hung off him like a million pound monkey. They both dragged their friends (well, more gingerly nudged in Peter-puddle's case), out of the common room, leaving a shocked and confused silence behind them.

"What just happened?" someone asked dumbly.

"Ohmigod, ohmigod! Did anyone get a picture of Sirius?" another squealed.

"Did Lupin call Pomfrey by her first name?" a girl asked with a faint blush.

"What happened to Pettigrew this time?" an exasperated prefect questioned.

"What does horizontally challenged mean?"

"Has anyone seen Lily?"

"Didn't anyone else notice that Potter was green?"

"I was staring at his hair."

"I ate the rest of my chocolate last night…"

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"Well," Lily said sarcastically as they crossed the entrance hall, "That went really well. Couldn't you have even let me explain to my friends that I haven't just disappeared?"

"That would mean explaining the dare," Sirius sang, pinching her cheek, "You know what that would mean!"

"Forfeit." Remus said with an evil grin. Lily frowned at him, not liking the expression on his face. Little did she know, it was an expression that actually was one of his own, just one he only wore very rarely and only in front of the Marauders.

"Eugh. Fine." She sighed, "They'll work it out, I guess."

"Right." James cut in as they stopped before the Great Hall, "How are we doing this?"

"Normally." Sirius answered quickly, waving them on without waiting for anyone to ask him to elaborate. He waltzed into the Great Hall as though nothing was different. Remus shrugged and followed, the others trailing in reluctantly behind him. The moment everyone spotted them, heads turned and conversations stopped in their tracks. As they sat at the Gryffindor table, some people started to laugh whilst others started to whisper suspiciously. Either way, everyone simply assumed it was yet another marauder stunt. Which it was, of course. Hmm, when had they become so predictable?

"Ooo, bacon." James smiled in that simple, pleased way of his, as though he wasn't currently glowing like a radioactive highlighter.

"Mmm, mine." Sirius grunted, snatching the platter up before James could, "Bacon, Rem?"

"Don't mind if I do, Pads." Remus grinned, smacking his chops at the smell of the salty meat.

James pouted and Lily patted his shoulder sympathetically, assuring him that there might be some left after Sirius and Remus were finished with it. They all settled down to breakfast, getting used to the stares – well, Lily was. The others were pretty much used to it already, even if Remus didn't usually outwardly enjoy the attention like he was now, sending winks and mysterious smiles at everyone. He hadn't known he could make girls swoon. Not that he was into girls, but whatever. He was making some of the boys swoon, too, so it didn't matter. Peter was just asking them how he was supposed to eat when the bell tolled for their immediate deaths. Which meant, basically, that McGonagall had just entered the Great Hall.

"BLACK. POTTER."

Sirius and James flinched at the sound of their names in McGonagall's stern shout and ducked their heads as she stalked over, ready for the kill. The livid professor skidded to a stop beside them and glowered at the offenders. She was about to start shouting again when she noticed Lily and the Peter-puddle.

"What in Merlin's name…?" she asked quietly. Lily tried to smile, but looked as though she wasn't finding this as funny as she had under the influence of alcohol the previous night.

"Err…" the Headgirl said helplessly. Sirius rolled his eyes at her and turned to smile winningly at the transfiguration professor.

"G'morning, Minnie." He said with a salute, "And how are you this fine day?"

"What are you doing?" McGonagall demanded angrily.

"Eating bacon?" Remus suggested, holding up the rasher in question. She turned to him, seemingly having overlooked him because there was nothing visually wrong with him apart from the unusual way he was dressed, wearing his tie undone around his neck, his top few shirt buttons undone and his robes hanging open. She blinked at him and shook his head.

"Mr Lupin, I do hope you are not allowing yourself to be dragged into trouble again by these oafs you call your friends."

"'Course not, Minnie," Remus grinned, chewing on the bacon, "Do I look like I'm doing anything naughty?"

Sirius and James snickered and Lily frowned disapprovingly as McGonagall mouthed at Remus silently.

"Are you going to punish me?" Remus added with an overly innocent smile that ended up looking more flirtatious than anything. Some girls watching – who hadn't read the school newsletter that had announced Remus Lupin's preference for non-existing breasts – sighed at the smile and then blinked, glancing at each other uncertainly and wondering aloud when Lupin had become so desirable.

"I…you…" McGonagall stumbled, before shaking her head and stomping her foot (yes, she really did that), "My office, all of you. NOW."

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Minerva McGonagall sat behind her desk heavily and took her hat off, laying it on the desk. She lifted her eyes to take in the students sat before her on chairs she had had to conjure up, as she'd never had so many students in her office at once. She pressed her fingers to her temples, feeling a migraine coming on; she didn't even have the help of her two most sensible students, either. Oh no, Potter and Black had taken the privilege of Lily's stern nature and Lupin's calm reasoning away from her. This early – before classes had even begun – she wasn't entirely sure she could deal with the troublemakers effectively. Well, here goes…

"Explain yourselves." She demanded in what she hoped was a forceful, stern voice, but was afraid had just come out sounding tired despite the early hour. The pitying glance didn't come from Lupin and Lily could only seem to stare down at her…his…well, Minerva would much prefer not to admit what she…he…was staring at, but it was most definitely the, err, crotch area. Minerva quickly redirected her eyes and took a deep breath to steady herself before hearing their answer.

"Explain what, Minnie?" Potter asked innocently. Minerva refrained from saying anything she would most likely regret and sighed glared at the students pointedly, looking to Lupin one last time for any support. Luckily, it seemed as though he was going to step up to the plate.

"Aren't you lot gonna do as you're told? I'll get the cane out." he threatened with a wink at Black, who – to the weary transfiguration teacher's horror – made a show of lewdly licking his lips in response. Potter gagged. Lily's head jerked up to see what she'd missed. Minerva rolled her eyes; if that was the closest she was going to receive in the way of wisdom from the boy, then she would leave it at that. Just by looking at Lupin, with his legs wide open as he slouched in his seat and his cocky grin (was he chewing gum?), she could tell that there was something seriously amiss in the universe that was Hogwarts.

"Why is Potter glowing green? Why is Miss Evans a boy? Why is Black wearing – close your legs, Black, for Merlin's sake! Why is Pettigrew…that? And why is Mr Lupin most certainly not himself? I want a detailed explanation and I want it now."

"Why didn't she mention my hair? Hasn't she noticed? It doesn't look normal…right? My hair does not look like this."

Minerva, with seven and a half years of experience with dealing with these boys, ignored the panicked ramblings of Potter and fixed her eyes on the rest of them – minus Peter. She wasn't quite sure if he was in possession of any eyes…

"Weeeelll," Black started, drawing the word out in that way of his that maddened his teachers in class. Minerva sighed inwardly as he started twiddling an invisible moustache, "Winning the Quidditch Cup made us all think deeply about our lives, Minnie, and what we want to really, really, do with them."

Minerva gritted her teeth and sat back in her chair, eyeing Black suspiciously, "And what conclusions did you all come to?"

"I'm becoming a nudist." Sirius said matter-of-factly, gesturing unnecessarily to his body, "Why not live as you're born and all of that crap. I wear the thong merely to protect you from the primal urges that would take over you, should you see the full extent of my glory, Minnie dear."

Black winked and ran his tongue over his lips in the most lewd gesture he could have managed. Minerva stomped the twitch at the corner of her mouth down before it could grow into smile. Yes, yes, jeer and point – Minerva Mirabella (don't laugh) McGonagall found the troublemaker funny. Well, if she was making a point of being honest she may as well admit that she did, in fact, find all four boys funny. Some of their pranks were undeniably tickling, when they didn't involve mutilating fellow students or teachers, and the stories they made a habit of concocting were always farfetched and definitely did a good job of capturing one's imagination. This was one of those times, but she would be damned if she admit that to Black and Potter…and Lupin, it appeared.

"Thank you for your kind consideration, Black." She said drily, turning to Lily, "And you, Miss Evans? I would have expected better of you, as Headgirl."

Lily squirmed and looked down at her hands (she was looking at her hands, she was not looking anywhere else in the region of her lap), and Minerva's inner voice cackled, believing that she had won by making the dutiful girl guilty. Dirty tactics, yes, but effective ones.

"I realised that living…that living as a female wasn't fulfilling." Lily said shakily, to Minerva's dismay, "So I used a spell on myself to change my body for a while to see what it would be like as a…as a man."

"And what is your opinion on Miss Evans' decision, Potter? And kindly explain why exactly you are glowing green, while you're at it." Minerva asked, turning to the afro-haired boy, who instantly lifted a limp-wristed hand and grinned happily.

"Well, I was totally behind my gorgeous Lily-flower!" he gushed in the campest voice he possibly could have mustered, "In fact, I think I prefer her—him—with a dick. I mean, tits are like, so last year! As for my fabulousness in deciding to become green, well that's a symbol for the environment. GO FUCKING GREEN, YOU EVIL, NON-RECYCLING WORLD!"

"Language!" Minerva snapped, just as Lupin spoke up humorously with an uncharacteristic smirk spread across his face: "If that's what gay guys sound like, I'm gonna kill myself."

"Which bring me to you, Mr Lupin," the increasingly irate professor said, "What did you discover about yourself?"

Remus shrugged carelessly, "Nothing."

"Mmm." Minerva narrowed her eyes suspiciously, "Forgive me for saying so if I'm wrong in my assumptions, but you don't seem like yourself today, Lupin."

"In what way, my dear?"

"Do I really have to explain?" she muttered, glancing away from Lupin's cheeky wink to look at the clock. Sweet Merlin, she was five minutes late for her first lesson, as were the five students sitting in front of her. The gods knew what her unsupervised seventh years were getting up to in her classroom. She turned back to the troublesome students and told them that they could leave, so long as they didn't drag anyone else into their little schemes.

"Before you go—" Minerva called after them, eyes dipping to the floor to look at the orange goo, "What happened to Peter?"

The puddle said nothing and it's friends merely stared down at it for a long moment before looking back up at their transfiguration professor with blank faces and shrugged. She sighed heavily and waved them away, sitting in her office for a moment to steel herself before she had to deal with them in class. They would be the death of her one of these days.

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The group of oddball students hovered outside the transfiguration classroom, the Peter-puddle keeping watch for McGonagall catching up to them. James had his arms thrown over Lily's and Remus' shoulders, giving them and Sirius a rather evil grin.

"So, comrades," the green boy said importantly, "The first dares of day one will start now and I have two for the great Sirius and Remus."

"Bring it on." Sirus grinned back. Remus rolled his eyes in the most exaggerated way possible and waved a hand to get James to tell them what his genius plans were.

Ten minutes later, most of them could be found seated in the classroom and listening to McGonagall lecture them on the detailed ins and outs of animagus transformations, whilst Sirius and James snickered behind their hands, pointing out even better methods as the teacher spoke. Lily sat beside James, trying to ignore the stares and whispers about her from the other students, even whilst her/his boyfriend and his best friend were bathing in the second glances and chuckles. Remus had been ordered to take the Peter-puddle to the Hospital Wing after he had been stood in and screamed at a few too many times, so they were missing.

But not for long – the door burst open just as McGonagall was calling on Sirius to answer a question and Remus stumbled in, robes hanging askew on his skinny frame, eyes wide, chest heaving. The whole class turned to stare at him as he looked around at his classmates, his eyes darting madly.

"Mr Lupin, why are you disrupting my class in such a manner?" McGonagall demanded snippily. She missed the chortles from James and Sirius at the back as Remus staggered further into the room, spinning around and waving his hands imploringly at various students.

"Please! Tell me where she is!" he cried, the perfect actor from so many years lying smoothly about his whereabouts once a month. He grasped a Ravenclaw girl by the shoulders on the front row and repeated, "Where is she?"

"Lupin!" McGonagall interrupted, shocked by Remus' actions, "What in Merlin's name do you think you're doing?"

"Where is she?" Remus howled, falling to his knees before the astounded professor, "Please! I'll do anything you ask! Just don't hurt her!"

"Hurt who, Mr Lupin?" McGonagall asked, looking a little concerned.

"My wife!" Remus answered, practically sobbing. McGonagall's expression turned dry.

"I'm sure I don't know where your wife is, Lupin and I'm sure you've never had one. Now, can you tell me if anyone gave you anything to drink or eat between here and the Hospital Wing?" she asked slowly, reached out to lift Remus' chin to look in his eyes, but he darted away, cowering from the suspicious professor to gasps from the class.

"Don't hurt me, please! I just want her back…I want her back…"

The girls cooed and awwed over Remus' emotional performance and the boys stared questioningly, wondering which Slytherin had hexed him to believe his wife had been stolen and that McGonagall wanted to hurt him. Aforementioned McGonagall was busy squinting suspiciously at James and Sirius, who were both going purple with the effort of not laughing.

"Go sit down, Mr Lupin," she advised the shaking Remus on the ground, "And we will see to your wife if you are still concerned at the end of the lesson."

Remus mumbled several fearful 'thank you's and scrambled back to his feet before hurrying over to sit beside Sirius and James. McGonagall managed to get the class's attention back after a while, which gave the boys (including Lily), to snigger together about Remus' little show. Sirius clapped Remus on the back with a hearty laugh, which attracted the professor's attention.

"Something you would like to share, Lupin, Black?" she snapped. Remus responded by throwing his arms over his head and muttering about Russian spies and 'the voices'. McGonagall huffed and turned to Sirius, who straightened his face with years of experience in pretending he was innocent in class.

"Black, I believe I was asking you a question. From the chapter you should have read for homework last week, what is the way described to find your animagus form before attempting the first transformation?"

Sirius grinned – he, James and Peter knew every transfiguration book in the castle back to front, because of the huge amount of research they had put into their plan to help Remus – and put on a mock confused expression before holding up a finger in a perfect impression of Lily, who scowled across at him indignantly, and answered, "The book states that one must create a self-revealing potion which will expel smoke in the shape of your animal counterpart."

"Perfect answer, Black. Ten points to Gryffindor." McGonagall awarded doubtfully as James gave Sirius a high five.

"If you don't mind, Minnie, I have a far easier theory to do the same thing." Sirius called when she had turned to start on the next part of becoming an animagus. She nodded, eyes mistrustful. "I think your patronus would show you what animal you're going to be."

McGonagall blinked at the uncharacteristically serious answer and shook her head, "I'm afraid that wouldn't work, Mr Black. The patronus is a much more volatile representation of one's character. I have seen witches' and wizards' patronuses change depending on what they experience, such as falling in love, and others who have a different patronus to their animagus form."

"Their patronus would just take on whichever experience has effected them most, like love," Sirius nodded. McGonagall didn't miss the glance at Remus beside him, "And their animagus form would follow suit, but stick with that form, never forgetting that first time even if their patronus does."

McGonagall blinked again, along with the rest of the class, obviously surprised at the solemn tone of the comments. Sirius turned to find James staring at him and Lily leaning around to grin smugly at him. When James' eyes flicked over to Remus (who was still cowering and muttering to 'the voices') and back again, Sirius decided that he had to do something to distract everyone from his abnormal attitude in class. And soon.

"It sounds as though you've thought a lot about that, Black. The only other problem is that many people are unable to perform a full patronus charm, as the skill required is quite high. Although I suppose that to have the talent to transform, one is most likely to possess the skill to perform a patronus. Anyway, a good theory, but—"

And there is was – the perfect moment to distract James and start on his first dare, given to him right there on a platter in front of him by dear old Minnie. Bless her and her wide-brimmed hat. Sirius opened his mouth, eyes not leaving McGonagall's, and shouted, "SEX."

"—One unpractised and tested. Wait, what did you just say?" McGonagall demanded, eyes blazing as Sirius looked back innocently. The rest of the class, bar a rocking Remus, laughed as they realised what he had done.

"Nothing at all, Minnie dear." Sirius smiled inoffensively.

"I didn't think you saw me as so gullible, Black," McGonagall said threateningly, "But—"

"SEX."

"Black!"

"I believe he's saying butt sex, professor." a Ravenclaw sniggered from the front of the class, "Well, you both are actually."

"Yes, thank you, Mr Patil." McGonagall snapped, "Black, stop shouting obscenities in my class, or you will find yourself in detention tonight."

"Sounds fair." Sirius shrugged. James tried to hold in a guffaw of laughter, but (sex) ended up falling under his desk instead. The class turned to stare as the giant afro bobbed around as its owner grabbed around blindly as he tried to get back up, which only resulted in Lily screeching and toppling off her own chair, hands cupping her crotch as she curled into to a ball and cried, "You grabbed my thing, James!"

James crawled out, hitting his head on the table with a cringe-worthy crack to go comfort his girlfriend/boyfriend with hovering hands and hasty apologies. Sirius stood to help, bending at the wait and presenting his arse to his professor and the whole class as he asked if Lily was okay and if she finally believed that it did feel like dying when someone whacked your dick and that she should never ever do it to any boy ever again, especially James if was set on having brats with him.

"SIT DOWN, BLACK!" McGonagall bellowed, lifting a hand to block Sirius' waggling arse cheeks from her view. Remus leapt up from his seat and screamed in outrage.

"No, you bastards! NOT MY FAVOURITE UNCLE!" he shrieked before running from the classroom, arms flailing about. The room was silent when the door swung softly to a close. The students glanced over at McGonagall, both eager and uneasy to see her reaction. Sirius, James and Lily, who had all frozen in their positions, turned their heads slowly to smile uncertainly at McGonagall. Sirius straightened unhurriedly and jabbed a thumb at the door.

"Should we show ourselves out?" he asked politely.

"OUT." McGonagall roared, "Each of you have detentions tonight, including Mr Lupin."

Lily paled, obviously thinking about her/his clean record, "But—"

"SEX."

"There is no but—"

"SEX."

"Nor is there any of that, Mr Black." McGonagall seethed, looking as though she was close to exploding and coating the room with a layer of Minnie-coloured paint.

"Why is there no butt sex?" James pouted, still crouching beside the curled-up Lily.

"The Butt Man took it away." Sirius answered gravely, "The Butt Man is a greedy man who steals away peoples butts in the night, never to return them."

"How selfish of the Butt Man." James sighed, shaking his head, "He must like them a lot to go to all that trouble."

"Some people call it a fetish, but," Sirius lowered his voice to a stage whisper, to the growing amusement of their audience and the growing irritation of their professor, "I hear it's actually due to medical reasons."

"Well then," James nodded decidedly, "No one can say anything if the butts are for his health."

"What," McGonagall snapped, "are you two blathering on about?"

"Oh, apologies, dear Minnie," Sirius said with a bow, "Sometimes our mouths run away with us. The dangers of owning a Bantersaurus Rex, you see."

"Mmm," James hummed with a faraway smile, "Helps us to fill awkward silences with any conversation. Magnificent creature, even if he is getting a bit old now. The conversations are getting a little…different."

"But alas," Sirius sighed, "He cannot be put down. We must have him mate with the female owned by the couple across the road from the Potters'."

"The Bantersaurus Rex is a rare creature."

"It must be preserved for the aide of future generations."

McGonagall looked as though she was, genuinely this time, about to blow a casket. She took a step towards them, fingers of her wand hand twitching. "My office at seven, all of you." She said in a strained voice, "Now out! Out, out, out!"

They scrabbled to hurry from the classroom as the raging professor stalked towards them, looking very much like she was about to commit three murders if they didn't escape right then. When they were safely at their meeting place in the courtyard where they found Remus waiting for them, they all dissolved into hysterics, taking turns into mimicking Remus and pretending to be a shocked McGonagall.

"Gods," Remus gasped, leaning heavily on Sirius' as he tried to suppress his laughter enough to speak coherently and feeling like he truly himself for the first time all day, able to express his thoughts his own way since he was being genuinely outgoing in his amusement, "If we don't get expelled before the end of the week, I'm a nargle."

"They will never supress us!" Sirius cried, "In the words of the beautiful and aptly named, sexy Sex Pistols, I wanna be anarchy!"

"The only way to be!" Remus finished, ruffling Sirius' hair. Sirius roared and knocked the werewolf to the grass, straddling his hips and pinning his floundering arms and cackling in triumph.

"I knew you like the Pistols!" he grinned as Remus laughed and loosed an arm and mussed his hair again, "No touchy! No touchy!"

They tussled for a moment longer before Sirius remembered the others and turned to James to demand a reward for successfully completely his dare – only to meet that contemplating stare again, identical to the one he had received back in class when he had answered McGonagall's question.

"Oi, quit staring. You never seen a naked guy sit on a werewolf before?" Sirius asked jokily, still watching James watching him, "Give us a hand, I think I broke my knee caps."

Lily moved to pull Sirius up as James stopped frowning between him and the other boy and bent to help Remus from the ground. Lily leaned in with a devious grin – which proved that she had definitely spent waaayy too much time with a certain group of seventeen year old boys – and whispered in his ear.

"I am so going to win this bet."

Sirius gritted his teeth and glared at the redhead as James told him to stop seducing his girlfriend. He glanced over at Remus, who had started to dance arm in arm through the courtyard with Lily, singing about anarchy in a joyful tone. Sirius smiled at seeing such a carefree, unlimited version of the usually cautious boy, but didn't for one moment wish that he would change. He had seen this side of Remus (well, a more natural version of what he was under Evans' spell), when it was just the two of them and there were no boundaries. It was wonderful to witness, but he loved him just the way he was, only revealing that part of himself to Sirius and Sirius only, and wouldn't change him for the world, furry little problems at all. Remus was his and Merlin be damned if anyone would ever challenge that.

"MOONY!" James roared, bringing Sirius back to the present as Remus skipped off into the castle, James chasing after him and Lily clutching her sides as she laughed, "STOP GROPING MY GIRLFRIND—BOYFRIEND—GIRLFRIEND—BOY…ARGH, WHATEVER! GET BACK HERE WOLF BOY!"

A/N: Don't ya just think that the song Teenagers by My Chemical Romance just fits the Marauders perfectly? ANARCHY! Ahem…review! ^-^