Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine. If you don't know that already, you need to get your head checked, okay? Tell them I sent you, you'll get the penthouse suite at the asylum.
A/N: The sonnet I use in this part is by the great William Shakespeare! I used this one, Sonnet 130, simply because I find it charmingly amusing, what with the blunt truthfulness that somehow turns around to be flattering. Ah, if only we could all be as smooth as the great wordsmith! The other poems aren't mine either (duh), but I'll list them at the bottomses. Anyywaaayy…the third instalment of Leopard Print Thongs, Peter-Puddles and the Legendary Bantersaurus Rex! Queue drum roll – lights…camera…action!
Part Three: The Mostest Bestest in the Class Deserves More Respect, Thank You, Please, You're Welcome, Madam Missus Lady
"De de daahh! Na na na na nananananaaaaaa!" Sirius sang, completely off key as he burst into the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom, holding his arms out and throwing his head back. The pose might have been impressive, had he not 1) been wearing that leopard print thong and 2) stumbled sideways into the door frame and muttered something about nargles and invisible Peter-puddles tripping him up. Remus and James exchanged amused glances, whilst Lily sighed, regretting her part in their game even more by the minute.
"I SWEAR TO DRUNK I'M NOT MERLIN." Sirius bellowed to the snickering room at large. Of course, he was actually, completely and utterly off his face on Firewhiskey and Doxy Gin as part of his next dare. James had proposed the dare in their free time created by the sudden lack of transfiguration and Sirius had heartily accepted and proceeded to down all the alcohol they had stashed up in their dorm. The result – a sloshed Sirius in a thong. Something that was actually witnessed with startling frequency.
Professor Merryweather looked Sirius over and, with a few years' worth of experience with dealing with the phenomenon that was Sirius Black, sighed and gestured for him to sit down with questioning his lack of clothes and suspiciously intoxicated behaviour. Sirius nodded, giving the weary professor an enthusiastic thumbs up, and did a sort of wobbly jig over to his seat, much to the amusement of his classmates.
"As I was saying," Professor Merryweather sighed, "The cruciatus curse is something, along with the other Unforgivable Curses, that will appear on your N.E.W.T. paper. Naturally, it would never usually appear in your practical, but with the rising threats of war outside the castle walls, the Ministry has insisted that you must understand the curse inside and out. No matter how ridiculous the notion is." She muttered as an afterthought, "Potter, can you tell me exactly what the cruciatus does to the victim?"
"My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun," James answered whimsically with a charming smile that had a sort of blinding effect on most (yes, McGonagall most definitely fell out of the 'most' category here), of their teachers, "Coral is far more red than her lips' red. If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun. If hairs be wires, black wires grown on her head."
Merryweather touched a hand to her black hair self-consciously, looking unsure as to whether she should be complimented, insulted, or simply ignoring him. The class was staring back at James, some in surprise at him knowing poetry and others mainly confused. Lily leaned over to lift a brow at Remus, who wiggled one back.
"Why this one?" she whispered as James continued to wax lyrical at their teacher.
"Just seemed to fit well." Remus snickered, watching Merryweather grow more and more indignant as James went on.
"How did you get him to learn it?"
"The guy's a born performer. He'll do anything to be the centre of a good show."
"And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare as any she belied with false compare." James finished, giving a bow.
"Well…" Merryweather blinked and trailed off, shaking her head as though to rid her cheeks of the faint blush that had blossomed there. Remus nudged James and winked.
"Oh, what a triumph and pride shall be ours!" the green boy chuckled, patting his afro into shape even though it hadn't moved, the action a replacement of his habit of messing up his normal coiffure most of their year had dubbed the, I-just-got-off-my-broomstick-so-my-hair's-all-sexy -and-windswept-so-let's-shag-under-the-Quidditch-s tands-but-only-if-you're-Lily-Evans-because-she's- owned-my-balls-since-third-year-when-I-spilt-that- hot-chocolate-sauce-on-her-robes-and-then-drenched -her-in-cold-water-to-wash-it-off-in-front-of-the- whole-school-at-dinner-and-turned-her-shirt-see-th rough hairstyle.
Lily sent Remus a Look which the werewolf took that either he would be getting laid that night for making James sound so desirable and romantic, or that James would be getting laid at the end of the week for much the same thing. As much as Remus would have liked to have been recognised for his great efforts, he wasn't entirely sure that being castrated by James would be worth the quick shag in a broom cupboard. Lily might make an attractive boy, but Remus had many things he wished to do before he ever considered becoming a eunuch. One thing he very much wished to do, hard and thoroughly, poked him in the arm and giggled, his eyes slightly crossed as they tried to focus on Remus.
"Rem! Oi, Moony!" Sirius said in a stage whisper. Merryweather was starting to look impatient again. "Mooooooooonnnyyyy…I'm horny, Moony."
The class tittered. Several of the girls and a couple of guys shifted to try and get a look under the tables at just how horny Sirius was. James reached under and threw his bag at Sirius' general crotch area, eliciting a whining, "oh, fucking, wanking, shitting rainbow frogs, Jamie! That was my knneeee!"
"Missed." Remus commented, lacing his fingers together behind his head and kicking his feet up onto the desk. He glanced over at Sirius – and down, way too far down – to see that an aching knee certainly hadn't rid Sirius of his embarrassing (or it would have been, were he sober) problem.
"One failure on top of another." James snorted, earning an appreciative laugh from Lily.
"Without shame the man I like knows and avows the deliciousness of his sex." Remus shot back, giving Sirius a sideways glance that the other boy missed entirely, his attention on Merryweather as he waved his hand around in the air. Lily leaned back around James to glare at Remus, who stuck his tongue out at her.
"Yes, Mr Black?" Merryweather snapped, her usually laid back demeanour completely diminished, speaking loudly to cover up whatever Remus was going to continue saying (which made the girls of the class groan and left wondering who Remus Lupin's delicious male lover was). Sirius smiled, looking like a happy puppy when their teacher called on him.
"I need the loo." He said proudly.
"You've been here for five minutes, Black." Merryweather glared, "And you were late, so no."
"But…weed to nank."
Several pairs of eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Remus rolled his eyes and told Sirius to repeat himself. Sirius nodded seriously (do not think what I know you're thinking. Ah, too late), and turned to the class like a proud ten year old student giving his teacher the proper (but actually improper), spelling of supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
"I need to wank, professor."
Merryweather went through a fairly amusing mixture of emotions, clearly undecided of whether she should be horrified, amused, or absolutely livid. She settled on quietly astonished and waved a hand toward the door. Sirius stumbled to his feet and gave the professor a vague salute, turning to walk out the door but completely and utterly missing, slamming into the wall just beside the empty space instead. He grumbled as the class snickered behind him and tried again, making the same mistake.
"I'd try aiming for space that resembles the inside of your head, genius." Remus called lazily. Sirius turned and gave him a sloppy thumbs up and then slid to the left with a sort of dance-like shuffle before galloping into the hall outside. The class and their professor were silent, listening as a deafening crash rattled their eardrums, followed by Sirius' voice cheerily greeting Peeves and inviting him to do the waltz with him.
"He was floppy and sloppy and skinny and tall, but he just wasn't, just wasn't funny at all." James sighed into the dumbfounded silence. Remus clapped him on the back with a sombre nod.
"Couldn't agree more, mate." The werewolf sighed mournfully. He twisted in his seat and cupped his hands around his mouth to yell, "You're only getting giggles here, Pads! We need belly-aching, knicker-wetting, orgasm-inducing bellows of laughter!"
Remus cringed inwardly, a reaction to his own words twisted into those which Sirius might have said in his stead, that his body wouldn't physically convey as the class blinked at his abnormal behaviour and James snorted, ruffling Remus' hair proudly. Lily scooted lower in her seat, gripping her cropped red hair in her effort to look as detached as possible from the over-dramatically lounging werewolf and the green, afro-haired boy who could only wax lyrical instead of speaking like a sane person.
"Settle down, class!" Merryweather called, starting to get desperate now as the lesson continued to spiral further and further out of her control. The students started to quieten down, but – as fate would have it – Sirius exploded back into the room in a shower of gold glitter.
"Sirius Black has…ARRIVED! Again…" the near-nude boy cried, doing a wobbly twirl and hopping (for no reason anyone could ever possibly guess) over to his seat again. When he was seated and quiet – however suspiciously so- Merryweather nodded wearily and continued her theory lecture.
"Before we do anymore on the cruciatus, you will all complete a test on what you already know." Merryweather announced, visibly relieved to have control again and happily ignoring the snoring lump of Sirius sprawled across his desk, Remus and James playing exploding snap on his back. Their game was disrupted, however, when Sirius sat up poker straight, eyes wide and accusing as the professor laid the test in front of him. Merryweather eyed him wearily. The young teacher, usually so laid back, jumped as her student glared up at her.
"Stop copying my answers!" Sirius snapped, his words slightly slurred.
"I haven't—" she frowned, but Sirius cut her off with an imperious wave he still managed to pull off perfectly in his inebriated state.
"Don't lie to me, Katy!" Sirius cried with a miserable wail, "I would think that the mostest bestest in the class deserves more respect, thank you, please, you're welcome, madam missus lady, so please exit the immediate vicinity of my person immediately, professor!"
"Stupendous vocab for a drunk dickhead." Remus observed cheerfully, kicking his feet up onto the desk again as he swiped up his test paper and examined the questions with an arched eyebrow and tapping the corner of his mouth with a finger.
"Did you just say stupendous?" Lily asked in amusement, coming out of her shame-filled hiding to address Remus, "That's not a very Black thing to say."
Remus shrugged, "Sounds funny."
"Okay, that's a Black thing to say."
"I AM NOT A HEADDICK." Sirius cried, raising a fist into the air, "MY HAIR IS TOO STUPENDEROUSUS TO BE A HEADDICK."
"Ah, there we go." Remus sighed dramatically as he scribbled an answer on the test sheet, somehow adorning the simple action with an unnecessary flourish, "Ruined it, Paddykins."
"ARE YOU DENYING THAT MY HAIR IS STUPENDEROUSUSUSUSUS?" Sirius paused and amended, "Sexy. Are you denying that my hair is sexy? Sexy is far easier to say, don't you think, Moonpie?"
"Oh, much." Remus agreed, "I just thought I'd use stupendous to make myself laugh. Didn't work, though."
"It is a funny word." Sirius agreed, "But not as funny as…as…what was it again?" The intoxicated animagus pursed his lips and thought hard for a second before smugly announcing, "Bumfuzzle."
"Bum—" Remus spluttered, "Bumfuzzle? I agree, oh wonderful dictionary that is Sirius Sexy-Haired Black! Bumfuzzle is, in fact, a hilarious word that would indeed induce orgasms in the fair ladies. And men." He added as an afterthought. "I'm thinking we need to try it on a girl, Sirius."
Sirius clapped his hands together in delight and gave Remus a sloppy kiss on the cheek that made the girls in the class giggle, James pretend to gag and Lily give a knowing smirk. If Remus had been in control of his reactions, he would have blushed, might have even stammered a bit and made himself look like an idiot – but since he wasn't, he gave Sirius a sickening sweet smile instead and ran a fingernail lightly down his bare chest, stopped at his navel.
"Save that for the bedroom, Paddy." He smirked with a wink for effect as all the girls swooned and then asked each other since when did they swoon over Remus Lupin and since when was there anything in the bedroom between the usually introverted boy and the typically extroverted boy anyway?
"Oh, but my Moonshine!" Sirius wailed woefully, "I have always wanted to have sex on a classroom table and you know that! Would you shatter that dream Remus? WOULD YOU SHATTER MY DREAMS?"
"There is a pain – so utter – it swallows substance up – then covers the Abyss with Trance so Memory can step around – across – upon it." James moaned, clutching at his afro with glowing fingers. Lily rubbed his back pityingly.
"I think the mental image is breaking him." She told Remus.
"His broken brain is no concern of mine!" Remus cried in outrage, "If we want to have sex on this table then we will, I tell you! WE WILL!"
"EAR, EAR!"
"It's 'hear, hear', you bumfuzzle." Remus said drily. He and Sirius looked at each other for a second, their faces completely straight, before bursting into raucous laughter. Sirius became hysterical and toppled off his chair, landing on Merryweather's feet. The professor had given up and taken a seat on a desk in the opposite aisle to the row currently disrupting her class, her arms folded as she watched the chaos unfold with a certain amount of fascination.
She had been warned of course – Minerva had held a staff meeting the night of Gryffindor's victory for the Quidditch Cup to warn all of the teachers that there was a certain quartet of students (no one had predicted devout Head Girl Lily Evans' to join the troublemakers, what with her clean record…apart from that one time with that bitchy Slytherin girl and the Giant Squid…she had it coming really), who would cause trouble for the next week or so. It was the traditional response to a Marauder success – pranks all around, mixed in with a few drunk dares. Classic prankster reaction.
"Hello, hello, Katy my ear!" Sirius giggled, holding his arms up to their teacher, who looked down at him with something akin to helplessness on her face.
"I think you mean 'dear', bumfuzzle." Remus spoke up, "What's your obsession with ears, mate? You got some kind of fetish going on?"
"Maybe." Sirius pouted defensively. Then he froze on his back on the floor and stared at Merryweather, "Remus! She didn't have an orgasm at our hilarisulse word!"
"Hilarious." Lily corrected flatly.
"Maybe she doesn't know how to have an orgasm." Remus said, his face a mask of seriousness. Sirius gasped, mouth gaping as he pointed at Remus as though he had figured out the meaning of life. "I mean," the smirking werewolf continued, turning slightly in his seat to give their now thoroughly stunned professor an inappropriate waggle of his eyebrows, "no woman knows what an orgasm is until they've spent a night with moi."
The class was silent, even Sirius and James, for a long moment, before every student sans Lily erupted into howls of laughter at the completely uncharacteristic comment by Gryffindor's resident introvert bookworm. Merryweather got to her feet – yanking them out from under Sirius'now-limp body – and stood in front of Remus, nostrils flaring and jaw tense in a rare bout of fury as she jabbed a finger in her student's direction.
"I would never expect this sort of behaviour from my best student." She snapped at Remus, who – even in his own private, real-Remus thoughts – tried and failed to feel remorseful. He was, admittedly, sort of, kind of, weirdly, enjoying the attention he was getting. Being naturally inward and calm, he never garnered the attention Sirius and James did, a nature ingrained in him by his monthly affliction. It couldn't hurt to enjoy himself for the week and then pass it off as a spell. Which it was, of course, but it wouldn't hurt to play up the details to protect his Prefect status and reputation. Maybe throw in how James forced him…? Perhaps…okay, no, handcuffs were over the top a little bit too kinky…
"Detention!" Merryweather was screeching, "This lunchtime and tonight!"
"You don't want Sirius?" Remus asked in shock, a hand over his heart, "The great Padfoot of The Insane and Most Bigoted House of Black has fallen! What will the fair women do with their night-time hours now, I ask you? What will they do?"
"Mr Lupin!" Merryweather gasped, looking a little lost now that her favourite student wasn't backing down when threatened with detention, "I was hoping that…fine. Detention tonight."
"I'm afraid I have a date with Minerva tonight, my dear," Remus said with a sad sigh. He perked up, holding an enlightened finger in the air, "But why don't we keep that lunch date? It's right after class, so I can't run. Not that I would, of course, run from your company." He added with a quick wink.
"Yes, yes," Merryweather muttered, distracted and disgruntled, "Lunch, fine."
"How could a woman prefer Remmy's company over mine?" Sirius asked from his position on the floor, his voice full of woe and distress, "HOW CAN ANYONE PASS UP SIRIUS BLACK?"
"Please stop shouting, Black." Merryweather sighed, wiping a hand over her face tiredly, "Just…just go to sleep, Black. Minerva's responsibility. Hers." She added under her breath, "I need to get this class back on track."
Sirius instantly started to snore right where he was on the floor and Remus and James glanced at each other before shrugging and nodding to the teacher, who exhaled heavily in relief and restarted her Defence class. As she skipped the test and went straight to going through the theoretical execution of the cruciatus, Lily leaned around James, who was busy constructing a paper catapult to pelt Sirius with magically made balls of ink to poke Remus.
"You haven't forgotten about your dare, have you?" the girl-stroke-boy asked him pointedly in a whisper. Merryweather ignored her, unwilling to allow anymore distractions. Remus lifted an eyebrow – a trait both he and Sirius shared, so one he felt comfortable executing – and waved an imperious hand.
"Getting female underwear is easy." He scoffed, "Just gotta lay on the newly bought Black charm."
James went to speak, but Lily slapped a hand over his mouth with a pained expression. Evidently, the poetry had begun to grate. "You have until the end of lunch." She said instead, giving James a glare, who pouted back at her, sticking out his bottom lip. It was supposed to be cute, but it just made him look like a radioactive chimpanzee having a bad hair day.
"I have an ingenious master plan that is clever and sexy enough to take over the world with my male dominance and hotness." Remus grinned, widening his eyes and wiggling his fingers around mysteriously. Lily looked dubious and James looked like he wanted to ask what it was but didn't know how to in poetry form, but Remus ignored them both and proceeded to pretend to listen to the lesson whilst helping James in his ink attack on Sirius.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
The rest of the Defence class passed with little of interest to tell, other than Slughorn coming into the classroom to give the resident drunk a sobering potion and almost getting accosted by the dangerous, sleep-molesting Sirius (the boys in the dormitory had long since learnt to stay away from him at night, unless they wanted hands in scarring places. Of course, Remus had to exert extreme self-control to overcome his want for the scarring, lest he mentally scar the other boys himself). He had awoken at the end to find his whole body covered in splatters of black ink and had thrown a toddler-worthy fit before stopping halfway through and deciding that he actually rather liked the way the splotches matched his hair and brought out his eyes.
Afro-James, male-Lily and naked-Sirius left Remus to his detention to head to lunch, where they discussed the most efficient and pain free method to pin Remus down to accept his forfeit, James' prohibiting dare lifted at the end of the lesson. Oh, and how to get Snape, too, seeing as he was a vital part of the punishment/torture/forfeit/friendly fun/really just torture. Because, of course, the boy had failed his dare. He would never be able to procure an item of women's underwear when he was stuck in detention with Professor Madam Missus Lady Katy Merryweather.
Their (Sirius') dreams of tying Remus down, however, were put to an abrupt halt when the werewolf in question strutted through the Great Hall and sprawled across the bench. The others stared at him, at his mussed hair, his red face and the way his chest rose and fell quickly as though he had hopped to lunch on one leg whilst dragging a platoon of overweight trolls on a bed of overweight bricks. His appearance wasn't why they stared, though. No, it was the certain something that was draped over his shoulder. The frilly, pink something.
"I don't believe it." James breathed, a look akin to blind admiration dawning on his face. Sirius just stared at Remus as the Prefect caught his breath, and traced a finger around one of the ink splotches next to his right nipple, catching himself before he giggled – it tickled, but he wasn't about to ruin his narrowed-eyes, thin-lipped suspicious glare he was aiming at his friend by giggling.
"That's a bra." Lily stated, dumbfounded.
"Congratulations, your eyes work." Remus said sarcastically, sitting up and pointedly ignoring Sirius' gaze. Lily ignored him and asked, "How? How?" over and over again until Remus shushed her, flailing his hands around.
"I can't tell the details," he shuddered, plucking the offending undergarment from his person and dropping it in the pea soup. A disgruntled first year set the serving ladle back in the soup bowl, staring at the bra as his little chubby first year cheeks flushed pink, deciding that he would just have a nice ham and cheese sandwich. Yes, ham and cheese sounded grand. "It was horrible. Girly bits everywhere…ugh. Someone show me their dick. I need some male reassurance after…after that."
Sirius nearly offered to help, but caught himself, glancing at his friends to see if they had noticed the slip in his glare that had turned into more of a sulky pout mixed with awkward desire (awkward, as it would have been beyond so to get all hot and bothered under the collar – had he been wearing one – when all he was wearing was a thin G-string). Lily had, and smirked across at him, waggling her eyebrows in a way that normally would have made him proud had he not been busy glancing at the others and trying to mentally tell her to shove her wiggly eyebrows up her arse.
"Think I'll pass, mate." James said dryly, "Might make our friendship a bit awkward when you lose control over the enormous beauty of my—"
Lily snorted, cutting him off. James sent her a dirty look and turned back to Remus, who was wiping his tongue on a slice of bread.
"Where…who did you get it from?"
"Who else?" Remus asked with an exaggerated eye roll, "Who was I with up until the last five bloody minutes of lunch? Let me give you a hint, psychedelic afro, it wasn't that hot Ravenclaw beater. I can tell you he wouldn't be wearing a pink bra."
Sirius' eyes, if physically possible (if not, forget it), narrowed even further as he pictured Remus with the Ravenclaw beater, his fingers slipping from their absentminded task of tracing his ink splotches and scraping a nail over his nipple. He yelped in a decidedly manly (unmanly) manner and played it cool when the others looked at him questioningly, frowning at the jug of water in front of him like it had made the offending noise.
"MERRYWEATHER?"
"Prongs, say that a little louder, I don't think my aunt's dead House Elf heard you down in hell." Remus said with another eye roll, "Yeah. Laid on the Black charm – thanks for that, Pads, very useful – and she was putty in my hands….literally. What in Merlin's left bollock's name is the bloody fascination with breasts?"
"What's wrong with them?" James demanded as Lily looked sadly down at her flat chest and Sirius tipped an imaginary hat to the thanks from Remus.
"Oh, I much prefer a good chiselled, muscular chest." Remus said, his voice dropping as he leaned towards James, no one noticing how Sirius was starting to turn a vivid purple. Remus ran his tongue across his bottom lip and shifted his gaze over to Lily, who blushed. "A lot like your girlfriend's, actually. Wouldn't mind another feel of that."
"You—" James paused as Sirius started to choke on his own saliva and toppled backwards off the bench, "Another?"
But before James could launch another attack for molesting (or talking about molesting) his girlfriend/boyfriend again, Lily cleared her throat, a smirk playing around the corners of her mouth as she pointed to where Sirius was sitting…well, had sat, anyway. Remus and James looked over to their friend who they realised had been abnormally silent during their conversation, only to see two bare feet covered in ink sticking up from beneath the table.
"Poor old Padfoot does seem to end up on his arse a lot." James sighed.
A/N2: This is shorter than the other two chapters, which were something like twenty-one and seventeen pages long or something like that, and this is only eleven or whatever ¬_¬ but it felt like I hadn't updated this story in aaagggeeesss, so I thought I would be a good girl and do something about that. Also, this was only going to be three chappies, but I like it and people think my odd sense of humour is actually funny O.o so I'll make it longer. I fully expect rainbow flavoured cookies for this. ^-^ Oh! And some reviews would be nice, too :D
Sonnet 130 by William Shakespeare, A Song Of Success by Robert William Service, Their Sex Life by A. R. Ammons, A Woman Waits for Me. by Walt Whitman, Cloony The Clown by Shel Silverstein, There is a pain - so utter - by Emily Dickinson