Tear Down The Stars Chapter 10
Ashley's P.O.V
I can't believe I just said that to Spencer. I blame the beach and her stupid pretty eyes also my concussion...I'm reaching I know but I can't just blame myself can I? I had no intention of hitting on her that much but something came over me. To sum up I feel stupid because we are driving back to school and she hasn't said a single word to me. We are both keeping our eyes to ourselves and I am internally kicking my stupid ass. Why would I do that? Why would I tell Spencer what I just did? I would very much like to go back in time and take it back. Maybe I can just tell her I was joking? Maybe I can move to France? I don't want to move to France and I don't want to take it back because it's true! I do think she is more than okay. Fuck I think she is perfect! And now she knows and I feel like a fool because she isn't saying anything back. Maybe she does think I am just okay? Maybe I have misread everything that we have said and done since she starting working at my house? I've clearly gone insane and imagined everything, great I'm stupid and crazy.
"Looks like we missed the bell for next period" She speaks and I try to act like I'm not having a mental episode. I look across the quad and it's empty. Great I can add detention to my crazy and stupid.
"So it would seem" Why do I suddenly sound like a totally idiot?
"We better go to class" Spencer says as she climbs out of the car. I don't move for some reason and now she's looking at me like I am insane which I think I might be to be honest. She walks around to my door and opens it as if I'm too retarded to do that myself which I might be at this point. She puts her hand out for me to take and I do because I am at her disposal in that moment but I don't think she realises. She pulls me out of the car and then we are in one of those moments again. We look at each other and neither of us move or even attempt to. I want to kiss her but I won't because I worry that she will reject me or even worse she won't. So I look away from her and we sigh in unison.
"I'm not babysitting tonight" She tells me this and I feel sad because I won't see her at my house which means I won't see her all weekend. Yes I had plans to get drunk and sleep with some stupid girl that will never compare to Spencer but I have a feeling that something won't let me do that because I think I will feel bad.
"Evil step mom give you the night off?" I make a joke because that's all I'm capable of at the moment.
"She told me to go have fun and enjoy the weekend" She tells me this and I have no idea why.
"Big plans then?" I ask and I don't want to hear her answer.
"Probably not. You?" I could lie and tell her that I'm going to make myself less of a good person but I can't because I realise that I can't lie to her, I hope this doesn't last as I get through my life telling lies.
"I've had my punishment lifted for one evening thanks to you" It's as honest as I can be.
"Well be careful" She says this with a hint of sadness but I guess that I'm imagining this as I have imagined everything else so far. I know that she is thinking about the other day when I hit my head and she probably thinks I'm way worse when I'm out and she would be right because I am. I pass out at random parties, next to random people and take random drugs with cheap alcohol. But the thing is that I don't feel like doing any of that tonight.
"I'll try. So this is me" We are outside of a classroom. I don't even know if it is my next class but I need to be away from her before I beg her to hang out with me tonight doing something lame like watching a movie. She looks at the door and smirks like she knows that I have stepped foot in that room before but she lets it go.
"Okay well I'll see you next week. Have a nice weekend" She looks like she wants to hug me but decides against it and walks off down the hall way. I watch as she does until I can see her no more then I lean against a wall trying to make sense of everything. I should find my actual class but I don't I walk home. I walk the whole 5 miles home and it doesn't tire me at all. It gives me some time to think, some time to consider my next move and after 5 miles I am none the wiser. I walk into my over sized home and I can hear Kyla in the kitchen talking to the twins about something they did at school today.
"Hey I waited for ages for you" She tells me and forgot that Kyla was my ride home.
"Sorry I just felt like walking" I reply as a grab a bottle of water once I have hugged the twins.
"Guys why don't you go watch some t.v. I need to talk to Ashley in private" Kyla tells them and I assume that Julia is on some important phone call. They nod and leave quite happily.
"What is up with you Ash? You are actually worrying me" I see the worry on her face and I feel bad that I mad her worry. I have never felt bad for making people worry but now I do.
"I'm just...fuck I don't know but I don't feel right"
"Do you feel ill?" I wish I just felt sick. That would be easy compared to this.
"No just not myself"
"You like Spencer don't you?" She says this and I want to tell her she's crazy but I can't because it's true. I'm not suffering from a week long concussion, I'm not going crazy...I like Spencer. When the hell did this happen?
"Yes...but I don't know how it happened Ky"
"Probably about the same time she started liking you" Kyla is like yoda I swear because she picks up on things that other people will never notice but for once I know she is wrong.
"She doesn't like me Ky trust me"
"And how do you know that?"
"I kind of told her that I liked her today and she didn't say anything back" I try not to replay the events because it makes me feel pretty shit.
"What did you say exactly? Not the version you want to tell. I want the actual words" God she is demanding.
"Okay I jokingly asked me if she thought I was hot and she said I was 'okay'. Anyway after that ego breaker I leaned into her ear and told her that I thought she more than okay" I feel so dumb telling Kyla this and I can tell that she feels slightly uncomfortable.
"Wow your lines suck" Kyla is actually laughing in my face. Normally I would get mad but I don't have the energy.
"Not helping brat"
"Well I wasn't there so I can't comment but that's pretty obvious. However, I was there today in lit and I saw the way you two were together"
"And how were we?" I'm genuinely intrigued.
"Sickly mostly but I could tell that she was into you"
"That wasn't helpful in the slightest well done Kyla" I sound pissed because I am. I rely on Kyla to be my guide in life sometimes and she has failed me. She hasn't given me anything that will make me do anything drastic not that I would because I have never done anything drastic when it comes to girls. They normally just appear and I take advantage of them., simple.
"Ashley I have never had to give you advice when it comes to this sort of thing so excuse me if I'm a little rusty. I am going to suggest something just don't flip out or have a melt down. Just go see her and tell her that you like her. Ask her out or something. I know your normal demographic don't need this sort of attention but Spencer is different" Kyla is right but I can't do that because I can't deal with rejection that's why I hook up with the girls I do. They are uncomplicated and I know they won't reject me, ever.
"Ashley you're home" That's Julia pointing out the obvious and in my current mood I don't need this.
"Nothing gets past you Julia" I know I'm a bitch but it's my nature.
"Don't make me reconsider my decision. Talking of which I thought you'd be out with some girl by now destroying more brain cells" She's right that's where I would normally be. I know it's early but sometimes I like to hook up with more than one girl on a night out. So typically I'd hit up the coffee shops in west Hollywood and the after 'succeeding' there I would turn my attention to the night life.
"Guess I wasn't in the mood. Julia do you think I can maybe use my car? I have somewhere to go and I just walked all the way back from school" I hope that she is still feeling nice like this morning. She looks at me like I actually have 3 heads and a few extra arms.
"Will you be drinking?" Fair question as I have totalled a few cars before while under the influence.
"Nope and no medication either" I add the last bit because I know that she will ask me that next.
"Sure just be home by 12 please" She has never given me a curfew before, I don't think she'd dare but she has given me one now in exchange for a me taking my car. I feel that this is a fair trade and I realise how much easier it is to get your own way if you negotiate rather than demand. I see her mentally preparing for my over reaction and I consider it for old times sakes.
"Sounds fair to me. I'll see you guys later. Later little monsters" I say my goodbyes as I leave the house. I am so happy to have my car back even if it's only for one night. I love this car and I make a promise as I start the engine to treat her nicely in the future. No more drunken driving and no more skanky girls in the back seat. I drive the same way that Spencer drove to her house the other morning. I am pretty good at remembering routes so it's no problem getting to the house. The problem I have no is getting out of the car. I probably look like a crazy stalker to their neighbours and I consider the fact that I may be. I prep myself by checking my reflection and I throw myself out of the car before I wuss out.
I tap lightly on the wooden door and I hear footsteps making their way towards where I am standing. I take a deep breathe and prepare to see Spencer's confused face. I am not prepared to see Madison staring back at me with her stupid mouth wide open although I think my expression is similar to hers.
"Madi what the..." I can't finish my questioning because Spencer's Mom is now standing next to Madison smiling at me kindly.
"Hey Mrs Carlin is Spencer here?" I ask this like a small child asking for their friend to come out to play.
"We are just about to have dinner Ashley"
"Oh I'm sorry to interrupt" I stuttered and I see Madison's eyes expand at my politeness.
"Don't be silly dear. Hey why don't you join us for dinner?" Mrs Carlin offers and I freeze because I can't sit at the same table as Spencer and her family and Madison while I'm feeling like this.
"I wouldn't want to impose" I reply and Madison actually laughs in my face. Mrs Carlin looks between us strangely and I try to not kill Madison.
"The more the merrier right Madison?" Mrs Carlin says as she looks at Madison. As if on cue Spencer makes her way to the door, she looks a mixture of happy and annoyed which makes me really regret my decision to just drop by casually.
"Spencer honey I was just inviting Ashley to have dinner with us" Mrs Carlin tells her daughter who just smiles politely and I want to die in that moment because I know she is only going to say yes for her Mothers sake not because she wants me there.
"Sounds great" Spencer smiles but it's not her normal smile.
"Great" I agree. Mrs Carlin nods in agreement and heads back into the house. I give Madison a glare and she stalks off towards Glen who is laying the table. Spencer eyes me suspiciously and I am without words, this is what speechless is and I don't like it.
"Ashley why are you here?" Spencer asks me pulling me out from myself and I am grateful that she is even looking at me again.
"I...erm...well my plans fell through and I thought I'd see if you wanted to do something" Smooth Davies.
"Oh" She seems less than impressed with response and I feel bad again.
"Actually Spencer I cancelled my plans because I thought I'd have more fun hanging with you" I hate how honest I am but she seems to appreciate it because she is smiling a smile that I have only ever seen directed at me and I relax immediately.
"You'd better come in then before Glen eats all the food" She jokes and she lets me into her house. This house feels warm and how a home should really feel. The photos on the wall of Spencer and Glen as children are so cute and it makes me think about my own 'home'. There's hardly any photos on the walls any more and it makes me sad because that's how it should be.
Spencer ushers me into the kitchen and I see Glen sat next to Madison and they are talking about something until their eyes land on me.
"Hey Ashley" Glen says with a smile and Madison kicks him under the table. Mrs Carlin shouts for us to take our seats so we do I get to sit next to Spencer because she tells me to. Madison is still looking at me like she is trying to read my mind and I mouth for her to stop staring which she attempts to but fails miserably.
"So how was school today?" Mrs Carlin asks us all and I am taken back because I never get asked that question by my Dad. As I think this I realise that there is no Dad sat at this table. I look around the room and see photos of baby Spencer with a dark haired guy with kind eyes so I can't understand why he isn't here but I won't ask.
"I heard that you had an another argument with Carmen?" Mrs Carlin says that as she focuses on Spencer who shifts uncomfortably in her seat.
"I wonder who told you that?" She replies glaring at Glen.
"You're right your brother has got a big mouth but I'm glad he told me Honey. Why are you two at each others throats at the moment?" Because of me I think to myself.
"We have a difference of opinion about some things that's all" Very diplomatic of you Spencer. I wish I could think that quickly on my feet sometimes especially when under interrogation from the parentals.
The rest of dinner continued with questions being asked and people actually caring about the answers. The only awkward part was the looks that Madison was giving me. That girl could be so dense sometimes I just wish that now wasn't one of those times.
We were all done with our food and it was amazing. I barely eat home cooked meals and I wished that I didn't have to because that was amazing. Madison jumps up from the table and grabs my hand pulling me to my feet. Everybody looks at her confused, as do I.
"Ashley and I will do the dishes" Madison volunteers us for manual labour, she is so off my Christmas card list. Well at least she would be if I sent Christmas cards, ever.
"There's no need girls. Spencer and Glen will do it" Mrs Carlin informs us.
"Mom if the girl's would like to do the dishes you shouldn't stand in their way" That's Glen with his stupid jackass comment. Remind to talk to Madison about her choice in men after she's quizzed me about my appearance at the Carlin residence.
"Glen has just nominated himself to do it by himself" Mrs Carlin states with a warning look for Glen who puffs as he walks out of the dining room and into the kitchen. Madison looks less then impressed and I am completely silent for probably one of the only times in existence unless you count the car ride with Spencer earlier because that was pretty quiet, deathly so.
"Mom can Ashley and I go watch a movie in my room?" Spencer asks after a moment and I know that I have a stupid smile on my face.
"Of course sweetheart. Ashley do your parents know where you are?" Mrs Carlin asks me and I can't help but laugh and neither can Madison, she knows full well what my parents are like.
"Why is that funny?" Mrs Carlin questions and I feel bad for making her feel left out.
"No reason. My step mom knows where I am" I'm kind of lying but as you can tell from initial reaction it's for the best because nobody needs to hear about my sad excuse for a family.
"Okay good" Mrs Carlin looks a little lost but she lets it go as she heads off to help Glen in the kitchen. As I turn to follow Spencer up to her room I feel Madison grab my arm and pull me into the family room. I yell to Spencer that I will be there in a moment.
"What is your damage?" I snap as I snatch my arm back.
"Are you into Spencer?" Madison asks me like she's just figured out a complicated maths question.
"Erm...nooooo" I am getting worse at this whole lying thing. She smiles at me like a Cheshire cat.
"Ha I knew it!" She yelps like an idiot.
"Will you shush please? Look I haven't even spoken to Spencer yet so keep your stupid mouth shut and tell your boyfriend to keep his mouth shut as well" Mean Ashley can appear whenever I feel like it, I'm not completely broken. Madison nods her understanding and I head up the stairs to Spencer's room. I only find it because I hear the music playing and I'm nervous. I am going into her room and I can barely breathe again. I thought I had sorted out this weird breathing thing, guess not. She is sat on her bed and she looks so pretty and so sweet that it melts my heart. She looks up at me and smiles which stops me in my tracks. What the hell do I do now? Oh fuck I really didn't think this through did I?
"My room isn't as cool as yours" She says as she looks around her own room. I take a quick glance and I see that it is painted a light shade of pink and she has music posters on the wall. Her bed has a ridiculous amount of pillows on it and one care bear teddy which makes me smile. The room is perfect for her and I love it a little bit.
"I think it's perfect" Damn you honesty! She looks nervous and starts fidgeting with the pillow on her lap. I figured it's now or never because if I don't say something soon I will explode. I'm still stood up and I feel out of place in her perfect teenage room, like I tarnish it or something with all my mistakes. It's in that moment that I realise I shouldn't be there because there is no place for me in Spencer's life so I go to leave but I don't get far. I don't get far because Spencer grabs my hand and stops me from leaving her perfect room. I turn to look at her and she tilts her head to the side. Damn that head tilt and those eyes combined!
"Don't leave Ashley" She says this in such a soft voice but it still makes my heart skip a beat. I lose all my inhibitions as I move closer to her and I feel her tense. I need to reassure her that this is going to be okay so I place my hand on her cheek, it's warm and she relaxes slightly. I move closer, so close that I can feel her ragged breathe on my face and feels nice. I'm so enthralled by thinking about what it will be like to kiss her that I barely hear her talk.
"Are you going to kiss or what?" I hear her this time and I respond by closing the gap between us. Her lips are perfectly soft and they taste so sweet. I have never kissed somebody who has made me feel like this before and I can barely take it. I nearly pass out when she pushes against me making me lean against the door that I was so close to walking out of. This is the perfect moment and it's with Spencer.