Chapter Thirteen: The Stooge from the Ministry

The next morning in the Great Hall the Gryffindors were each being handed their timetables by Professor McGonagall. Harry and his friends saw that they only had two classes on the first day; Potions and Defence Against the Dark Arts.

'Christ Almighty!' exclaimed Douglas when he read his own timetable.

'What's wrong, Dougie?' asked Harry.

'Snape, Binns, Trelawney and Umbridge all in one day!' he exclaimed.

'Trelawney?' asked Harry.

'Divination,' Neville explained.

'Why the fuck are you taking that shite? It's absolutely useless to you if you aren't a Seer,' said Harry.

'What are you taking then?' asked Douglas.

'The core five with Ancient Runes and Arithmancy, only,' replied Harry.

'You're not taking Care of Magical Creatures, Astronomy or History of Magic?' asked Douglas.

'Of course not!' scoffed Ron, 'all three subjects are a complete waste of our time!'

'The only one of us who'll be able to stay awake in Binns' class is Hermione, so what's the point in taking that class?' said Ginny.

'I agree with you about Binns, but Hagrid's okay!' said Douglas.

'Hagrid isn't here, Doug, besides didn't he get you in the shite over a fucking dragon in your first year?' said Harry.

'Yeah, but he's my friend!' said Douglas.

'Some friend who gets you in the shite, then takes you into the Forbidden Forest for detention!' said Harry.

'Not to mention he was the bloody idiot who told Quirrell and you how to get passed that fucking Cerberus!' said Ron.

'How did you know that?' asked Douglas.

'We know lots of things,' said Hermione coolly as they all finished their breakfasts before the bell rang for first period.

The Potions class was exactly what the Lost Quartet expected it to be. Even though Snape had set a rather difficult and fiddly potion for them to make, they managed it without breaking sweat as the other fifth years struggled. Although while Snape was going easier on some of the Gryffindors, he was not so kind to Douglas, as unfortunately, he had forgotten to add one of the key ingredients to his potion, Snape Vanished the contents of his cauldron before moving away. At the end of the class, Snape had set all those who had not been able to make the potion correctly homework in the form of an essay the length of a roll of parchment explaining where they went wrong and why and an essay on the properties of the Moonstone and its uses in potion making.

After a free period for Harry and his friends, they had lunch in the Great Hall, during lunch they listened as Douglas and Neville were moaning about being bored in Binns' class.

After another free period, it was time for Defence with the Ministry stooge, Umbridge.

They all took their seats in the class and there stood Umbridge dressed head to toe in pink and began to speak.

'Good afternoon, class,' she said in her high girlish voice.

'Good afternoon, Professor Umbridge,' said the class.

'Oh, no, no, no, that won't do at all,' she said, 'let's try again, good afternoon, class.'

'Good afternoon, Professor Umbridge,' the class replied louder.

'Good, that's much better,' she said, 'now who has a copy of Defensive Magical Theory by Wilbert Slinkhard?'

Everyone except Harry, Ginny, Ron and Hermione raised their hands.

'May I ask why you do not have a copy of the book that has been set for this class?' asked Umbridge.

'Because,' said Harry, 'that book is without a shadow of a doubt the most useless tome ever published. It looks as if it was written by someone who can't even do magic.'

'It said in your Hogwarts letters that you were to purchase them for this class, you will do so before our next lesson,' said Umbridge.

'Excuse me, but are you telling us how to spend our own money?' said Harry.

'The book is a requirement for this class, Mr Potter,' replied Umbridge.

'It's Potter-Black, if you don't mind, but why would we need a book that does not contain any defensive spells?' said Harry.

'Why would you need to be set a book with defensive spells inside it?' she asked.

Harry shared a look with his three companions before saying, 'Oh, I don't know, maybe to learn them!'

Umbridge looked very annoyed but said, 'I know of no reason for children such as yourselves to learn defensive spells at your age.'

Harry quickly performed some wordless and wandless Legillimency on Umbridge before saying, 'Just how old do you think we are? We aren't eleven years old, you know?'

'You are still children,' said Umbridge.

'Look, we don't need Basics for Beginners, tell me, are you teaching this nonsense to the seventh years too?' said Harry.

'This is a Ministry approved course for Defence Against the Dark Arts created by older and cleverer witches and wizards than you, Mr Potter,' said Umbridge.

'My name is Harry Potter-Black, and I doubt very much there are any witches or wizards in the Ministry of Magic cleverer than my friends and I, so again I ask what is the point of this class if we are not going to be learning or doing any magic?' said Harry.

'We believe that the study of the theory should be sufficient until you take your O.W.L. Examinations, and you will not talk about high-ranking Ministry officials like that!' said Umbridge.

'In that case, I have to ask what your qualifications are in the field of Defence Against the Dark Arts, your O.W.L. and N.E.W.T. scores if you please! Also, your personal experiences of combatting the Dark Arts will be invaluable to us,' said Harry, 'or, if you are not going to allow us to use defensive magic, are you going to teach us any forms of muggle self-defence techniques such as Kung Fu, Karate, Jujitsu, or Aikido?'

'My qualifications are none of your business, as are my experiences with the Dark Arts, you insolent boy, and as for your ridiculous idea about muggle self-defence techniques, they are useless!' said Umbridge.

'They fucking aren't, you ignorant old toad!' said Harry, indignantly.

'Detention, Mr Potter!' she said triumphantly.

'You've left me no choice, Dolores, I, Harry James Potter-Black, do hereby renounce Dolores Umbridge as my teacher in any subject for as long as she lives, so mote it be!' said Harry after he had stood.

Umbridge gave a high girlish laugh before saying, 'You cannot do that, Mr Potter, you are a child and have earned yourself detention for the whole week!'

'Actually, Dolores, I can, you see I am an adult thru marriage and emancipation, and I can do whatever the fuck I like, so kiss my arse, toad-face!' said Harry smugly.

But then before Umbridge could say another word, Ron stood up and said, 'I, Ronald Bilius Weasley-Flamel, also hereby renounce Dolores Umbridge as my teacher in any subject for as long as she lives, so mote it be!'

Then Ginny stood too and said, 'I, Ginevra Molly Potter-Black nee Weasley, also hereby renounce Dolores Umbridge as my teacher in any subject as long as she lives, so mote it be!'

Hermione then took her turn and said, 'I, Hermione Jean Weasley-Flamel nee Granger, also hereby renounce Dolores Umbridge as my teacher in any subject as long as she lives, so mote it be!'

'Detention, all four of you!' screeched Umbridge.

'Dolores, you are not our teacher any more, you cannot even take house points from us let alone give us detentions, we are leaving, goodbye,' said Harry before grabbing Douglas and taking him with them, while Ron grabbed Neville and Hermione grabbed Hannah and the seven of them walked out of the classroom.

They spent the next forty minutes in the Gryffindor common room before going down to dinner.

When they arrived in the hall and sat down, Ron said, 'Hey, Harry, can you imagine old toad-face trying to teach Karate?' which made the others laugh before adding, 'imagine her trying to kick something; she'd look like a retard trying to fuck a doorknob!

Those that heard burst out laughing and others to spit out their drinks.

Once the laughter died away, Hermione turned to Harry and said, 'You know you still have to do that first detention, don't you?'

'Yeah, Hermione, I'm aware, but it should be fun to taunt her knowing she can't do a bloody thing about it!' said Harry.

'You'll have to turn on the hub, mate,' said Ron.

'Absolutely,' said Harry.

'Good man, I knew I kept you around for a reason,' said Ron.

'What hub are you talking about?' asked Douglas.

'The four of us share a connecting hub where we can all communicate with each other in our minds, this is made possible by our friendship rings,' said Harry. 'However, each couple has a hub of their own so they can communicate to each other. For example; I can talk to Ginny using my mind and she'll hear what I'm saying in hers, and she can reply, I guess it's a bit like telepathy … Ron and Hermione can do it too.'

'And trust me, you don't want to hear the sweet nothings they share with one another,' said Ginny.

'Like the things you and Harry share are any better, Ginny,' said Hermione, 'although there is a subtle difference between the group hub and our ability to communicate with our partners, my ability to mind-speak with Ron comes from our Soul-Bond, and likewise with Harry and Ginny. It's really useful in case one of us gets into trouble when they're alone, we can send for help using either our separate hubs to our Bond-Mate or use the friend-hub if necessary.'

As they put food on their plates and began to eat, Neville asked, 'How does that renouncement thing work again?'

'Any student who is classed as an adult, i.e.; seventeen years old, emancipated, or married in any way, can renounce any teacher they feel is unsuitable in his or her role, for whatever reason. When the renouncement is made, the teacher cannot punish said student for anything at all, and the renouncement is also brought to the attention of the school governors. However, that takes two weeks for the meeting to be organised. Under age students can also make a renouncement of a teacher but they need their parent or guardian's permission to do so,' said Hermione. 'It's in Hogwarts, A History, but only in the first edition.'

'You've read a first edition of Hogwarts, A History?' asked Hannah, 'How? I mean they're really rare and ridiculously expensive!'

'First wedding anniversary present from Ron,' said Hermione before she pulled Ron into a deep loving kiss that went on for ages until a shrill voice rang out across the Great Hall.

'Public displays of affection in the Great Hall are strictly prohibited!'

It was Umbridge and she was making her way over to them but Harry stopped her in her tracks saying, 'You are not our teacher, Dolores, we renounced you, if you remember?'

You could hear a pin drop in the Great Hall before Umbridge turned to Professor McGonagall and said, 'Minerva, you know the rules as I do, you must reprimand them or put them in detention!'

Minerva McGonagall was torn. Yes, she was a strict enforcer of rules around Hogwarts, but she hated Dolores Umbridge and everything she stood for and so she thought for a moment. She also knew the exact nature of Ron and Hermione's and Harry and Ginny's relationships. Then again, Dolores had to have some idea too, because of the renouncement made by all four of them. Once her thought process was complete, she said, 'I did not see any public displays of affection within the Great Hall, Dolores, and I feel it is a rule we should have abolished long ago.'

Before Umbridge could respond, Dumbledore got to his feet and said, 'What renouncement are you talking about, Mr Potter-Black?'

Harry then stood and said, 'The four of us renounced Dolores Umbridge as our teacher in any subject for as long as she lives due to the new course she and her Ministry friends have cooked up for us. This new course comprises of reading a book that contains absolutely no useful information whatsoever and not using magic at all in the class. Dolores also failed to address me properly, deliberately leaving off the second part of my surname. She is rude, ignorant and patronising, and as a teacher with so little in experience and qualifications, I dub her as useful as a cock-flavoured lollipop!'

The vast majority of the students in the Great Hall burst out laughing, while the mouths of the teachers, including Snape, twitched, as they just about held their own laughter.

'I see, the board of governors will be informed of the renouncement, Mr Potter-Black,' said Dumbledore, before taking his seat once more and inviting the students to continue eating.

Umbridge then left the Great Hall in a huff before the teachers laughed at what Harry had dubbed her.