AN: Sorry, but there isn't going to be any Puckleberry in this chapter. It's also a short chapter. I promise to make up for it with the next one, but this is just a filler chapter about Jesse and Kurt. Rachel and Puck's date will be next chapter.
The moment Jesse St. James found out Rachel was missing, his world ended. He'd been in his temporary apartment sharing a meal with Kurt. Dianna had taken the house in the divorce. He'd given her anything she wanted in exchange for her keeping quiet about what led up to the end of their marriage. He even had her sign a non-disclosure agreement, making sure she wouldn't tell everyone in the country that Jesse St. James was gay.
Jesse wasn't ashamed of his sexuality. Well, not anymore, at least.
In high school, Jesse wanted to be straight more than anything. It was one of the reasons he'd asked Rachel out in the first place. He thought if he dated a girl, he could force himself into liking them. When he'd tried to get Rachel to sleep with him, he was actually kind of relieved when she turned him down. He wasn't sure if he'd have been able to actually perform if she agreed.
It wasn't that Jesse didn't love Rachel or wasn't even attracted to her; he just wasn't all that interested in the physical part of the relationship. Jesse enjoyed Rachel's company and loved talking to her for hours, but he didn't feel anything when they kissed.
But when he saw Kurt in glee club, he couldn't help the way his stomach did a somersault or how his palms started to sweat. Jesse knew Kurt was everything he wanted to be and everything he wanted in general. He also knew he was the one thing he'd never have.
Kurt was open and proud about who he was while Jesse was dating girls to make both himself and everyone else think he was straight.
Jesse started thinking about Kurt every time he made out with Rachel, pretending she was him instead. It made kissing her more enjoyable, but as soon as he accidentally grazed her breast or got a whiff of her hair, the illusion would shatter and he'd pull away, disappointed she wasn't him.
Jesse honestly felt bad about smashing the egg on Rachel's head. He did care for her, but it also was the best way to end what they had. If they'd broken up and stayed friends, she'd be trying to get back together with him all the time. He didn't want that, so it was better if she thought he was a jerk.
Trying to get back together with her the next year had been another effort to make himself straight, but she shot him down. He remembered seeing Kurt at the dance and felt his blood boil when he saw him there with his boyfriend. Jesse had no right to be jealous, but he was.
Of course, it didn't matter in the end. Kurt was with him now and Jesse had never been happier in his entire life.
Kurt had essentially moved in to Jesse's apartment. Jesse was looking for a new house to buy, but he hadn't found anything he loved yet. He was trying to find the best way to ask Kurt to move in with him, but he was struggling to convince himself that was what he wanted. Asking him to move in with him would be admitting he was gay.
That's what he was thinking about when Rachel's plane went missing. He'd offered to come with Rachel to the island instead of bringing Puck—he knew they were having problems—but she refused. He hadn't really wanted to go, but he also didn't want Rachel to have to endure a weekend of silence with her distant husband.
Jesse couldn't help but feel he was partially responsible for their problems. Dianna had spread rumors that Rachel was sleeping with Jesse after she found out Rachel had known about the affair with Kurt from the beginning. Jesse said he would come clean to Puck and tell him everything, but Rachel said she'd figure it out. Jesse didn't understand why she was so stubborn—she was sacrificing her own marriage to keep his secret, which made him feel more than awful.
When they first said the plane was missing, Jesse figures they were off course. The plane would be found in a few hours and everything would be okay.
It wasn't. The wreckage was found the next day right where they lost the signal from the plane. Half the plane was missing with the theory that it had broken off in midair and blown up. They showed footage of bodies still in their seats. Jesse had to turn away, unable to watch them go through the final resting place of his oldest friend.
The irony didn't escape him. Rachel had survived one plane crash only to perish in another. He and Kurt were unable to console each other in the days following the discovery of the wreckage, unable to grasp the fact that they'd never see their two closest friends again.
Jesse had tried to call Rachel's house to offer his condolences to her fathers, but no one ever picked up. He left countless messages and got no answer. Finally, he went over there, but no one came to the door. He had no idea where the Berrys were, but it was obvious they weren't staying at Rachel and Puck's house. Maybe they'd taken Nathan back to Ohio to avoid the press that was surrounding Rachel and Puck's deaths.
Rachel was gone, and Jesse didn't know how to deal with it. Kurt stopped coming by soon after—part of it was because he couldn't deal with Jesse moping about all day, and part was because he was pissed at Jesse for hiding their relationship like he was ashamed of it. Initially, Kurt understood why Jesse didn't come clean to everyone about them. He'd just gotten divorced from a woman. Plus, it wasn't as if Kurt wanted to be painted as a home wrecker.
But it had been almost two years since Dianna had found them in Jesse's bed together. They'd been together for almost three. He didn't understand why Jesse was so reluctant to come out and admit he loved Kurt. Kurt knew it was hard to come out, but he was sick of feeling like someone's dirty little secret. He and Jesse never went on dates. They never did anything besides stay at Jesse's house or Kurt's apartment. The only time they ever went out in public together was if they were with Rachel. Never alone.
Jesse was miserable without Kurt. He didn't like saying it aloud, but he loved him. He was in love with Kurt Hummel. He didn't know why it was so hard for him to admit that. Before she disappeared, Rachel had been bugging Jesse to come out. Not to everyone, but at least to their friends and his family. She'd told him that three days before the crash, and Jesse couldn't stop thinking over it in his head. He'd gotten so mad at her when she told him, he'd yelled at her and kicked her out of his place.
He felt bad now, of course. The last exchange with his best friend had been a huge fight, and now she was dead. All she'd been trying to do was help him, make his life happier. Rachel could see Jesse was miserable. His agent kept getting on his case about finding a new girlfriend—she kept setting him up on dates with models. None of them went past one date.
Jesse was sick of pretending, but he wasn't ready to admit to the world that he was gay. Not yet, at least.
Friends, though. He supposed that much he could do.
Jesse called Kurt up two weeks after Rachel's plane crashed, the invitation to his uncle's wedding in his hand. The wedding was three weeks from now back in Lima, and Jesse had said he was bringing a date. Originally, he was going to find some model to go with, but with everything that had happened, he wanted to go with the one person he loved.
"Jesse," Kurt replied, his voice a bit short. He was still mad, of course. He'd been getting on Jesse's case about coming out a lot more recently. "What do you want?"
"What are you doing Saturday three weeks from now?" he asked, getting right to the point.
"I don't believe I have any plans," Kurt said with a sigh. Most Saturdays he rehearsed with the cast of his show, but they were on break now, so he'd been free the past two weekends. "Why do you ask?"
"My uncle's getting married—I think I told you that when I got the invitation. I responded and said I'd bring a date, and—"
"And you want to know if I'm okay with you bringing one of the models the tabloids say you're banging to keep up the appearance you're straight," Kurt snapped. "Honestly Jesse, I don't give a fuck what you do anymore. Get drunk and sleep with all the Victoria's Secret models so they go around telling people there's no way you're gay!"
"Kurt, shut up! Would you let me ask the damn question before you get on my case? I was going to ask if you'd be my date."
"You want me to come to a wedding with you as your date?" he asked skeptically.
"Well, yeah. You are my boyfriend. Why else would I bring?"
"And you don't care that people are going to talk and print your picture in the magazine and call you queer?"
"It's just a wedding, Kurt. It's not like I'm coming out to the Westboro Baptist church," he said, chuckling under his breath. "Besides, it's just going to be family there. I'm not saying I'm ready to come out to everyone, but I think the people who I care about most should know if they don't know already. I want you to come with me, Kurt. I don't want to lose you."
Kurt smiled into the phone. "Well, alright then. I'll come, but only if I get to pick out what you wear. Anytime you try and pick out a suit for a wedding, you look as though you got dressed in the dark."
Jesse shook his head even though Kurt couldn't see. He knew if Rachel was here right now, she'd be proud. Take it one step at a time—that's what she used to tell him. It was too bad it took her dying for him to really listen to her.