Disclaimer: Harry Potter does not belong to me.
SSS
CHAPTER V
Noon.
Godric's Hollow.
The residence of Mr. and Mrs. Potter.
Six months later.
The house was empty (or so it seemed), but the windows were open to let the welcome sunshine in from outside. It cast a friendly glow in the living room where a woman lay sleeping on the sofa. It was silent in the house, the sort of silence that comes after great turmoil and distress. Everything lay in its proper place: tidy, perfect and clean. The house smelled like it usually did; it smelled of flowers in the living room, herbs in the kitchen, soap in the bathroom and traces of perfume in the bedroom.
It was a perfect moment of peace in the Potter household.
The only sign of chaos was in the living room. The woman herself was tidy enough, but the letters and newspapers, documents and random assortments of papers on the table were scattered in a silent frenzy. Only two of these papers showed any significance; both were newspapers, dating back several months:
The headline on one read:
PEACE AT LAST! VOLDEMORT VANQUISHED!
Below the headline was a picture of a serpentine man with blank eyes and open mouth. He lay eagle-spread on a mountaintop cliff, a deep puncture in his chest, right over his heart.
It read:
He's done! He's gone! We won! Voldemort, fancying himself as the Dark Lord, was found here on a secluded mountaintop near…"
But the rest of the article was covered up by another newspaper.
It read:
OUR HERO: DEAD OR ALIVE?
There was a picture of a handsome man in his early twenties, bespectacled and smirking. Every once in a while, he would take off the glasses and flash a handsome grin.
James Potter, Vanquisher of Voldemort, Dark Lord Destroyer, is still missing as investigations continue to locate his whereabouts. The Head Auror and Commander left absolutely no clues to where he is. He was last seen by Albus Dumbledore, who told reporters that James Potter was still alive.
But speculations among witches and wizards continue:
"'E's dead," stated Mundungus Fletcher sadly, "I mean, if 'e 'asn't shown 'is face fer a coupla months, where is 'e?"
"He's alive, you idiot," said Rita Skeeter, rolling her eyes, "But it's quite obvious that he's on the run. What he did to Voldemort wasn't exactly Dark Magic, but to let the body bleed long after he was dead? Seems dodgy to me."
"I think James was merely trying to make sure Voldemort stayed dead, Rita," countered Barty Crouch, "But if James Potter does not reveal himself soon or he is unable to be found, he will be declared dead."
"Potter? Which one? The boy? He's fine," growled 'Mad-Eye' Moody, Auror and colleague of James Potter's, "Though I wouldn't rule out the possibility that he might be dead. We lose too many good Aurors in the field."
Cornelius Fudge stated, "James Potter is dead. There was no sign of him where we discovered Voldemort and no one has seen him for months. Everyone has worked to the limit to find him, but there have been absolutely no results."
Lily Potter, wife to James Potter, declined comment on this issue. No word yet on how Lily Potter is taking this emotional…"
No more could be read, for the coffee mug sat on the rest of the article.
SSS
Lily was in the garden, tending to the roses when Remus and Peter Apparated in the backyard. She stood up, wiped the dirt off her dress and invited them into the house.
Remus and Peter were one of the very few people Lily tolerated these days and let them talk to her. They had first come a few days the war had ended, bearing food and condolences.
At first, Lily was positive she would soon come to resent their company, but after a while, Lily had made fast friends with them, especially Remus. They were both intellectuals and Lily felt comfortable in his company. Soon, Remus and Peter came over every week for lunch.
Sirius never came on any of these occasions.
Remus had brought smoked fish and Peter some cake. They both set it down on the kitchen table where Lily laid down the rest of the meal.
"So, what's Sirius' excuse this time?" asked Lily, once they had begun eating.
"Dunno, I think it was fishing," replied Remus.
Lily snorted.
"So, any news of James?" asked Peter nervously.
Lily's eyes glistened and Remus shot Peter a filthy look.
"No. None," said Lily softly, staring out the window with a mournful face.
Remus coughed loudly and changed the subject by saying, "So, when are you going back to work?"
Lily blinked and shook her head. Replying, she said, "Don't need to. James got Order of Merlin, First Class and they gave us heaps of gold. James already had a little fortune and I made enough money myself. I'll get by for a couple of years."
"I thought it was about time somebody had the brains to award James," said Remus, nodding approvingly.
"One of the presenters of the award kept looking at my chest throughout the whole presentation. Slimy bastard even tried to touch me after everyone had gone," Lily recounted through gritted teeth.
Remus sat up and his eyes grew wide. "Did he hurt you?" he asked hurriedly, "What's his name? What did he look like?"
Lily laughed darkly, an empty but cold laugh that sent shivers down the men's spines. "Relax, Remus. I hexed him where he needed hexing. He won't be able to walk properly for months."
Peter grinned weakly and Remus laughed nervously. Lily's face grew somber again.
"It seems everybody is ready to accept that James will never come back."
They soon finished their lunch and Lily refused to let them help her with the dishes. She saw them off with a wave and her usual manner of saying good-bye:
"Take care of yourselves. And try to bring Sirius along next time, will you?"
She always said the last part stiffly, but Remus and Peter never took any notice. They all knew Lily detested Sirius as much as he detested her.
With a wave and a swish of their cloaks, they were gone.
SSS
Nights were always the hardest for Lily. She would lie on the bed for hours, wanting to sleep, to succumb to sweet slumber. She tossed, turned, read books and usually after midnight, her eyes would droop. If the insomnia was bad, the dreams were worse. They were always about James. Sometimes, they'd be back at the grounds at Hogwarts; he'd smile or laugh and run away, but her dream-self would never be quite able to catch him. Other times, it was just him and Voldemort, James on the ground screaming in a pain a thousand times worse than the Cruciatus.
Those were just the dreams.
There were nightmares.
The most horrible ones were when everything seemed normal. It was after the war and James would be sitting on the couch or at the kitchen table. She would enter the room and he would look up, his beautiful eyes flashing with anger. "I hate you," he would say, "You didn't have to love me. We could've gotten along just fine, but you just had to be a bitch. It's your fault that I'm dead. I hate you because you hate me."
It was always those words, the exact phrase. Sometimes, she would wake with a scream. Other times, she found herself sweating, tears pouring out of her eyes.
These guilt-ridden dreams were pathetic, she knew. A simple Dreamless Sleeping Potion could've gotten rid of these dreams with a snap. But more pathetic, she told herself, was that she wanted these haunting dreams of James. It was the only way she could truly remember him.
This is what you did. Face the consequences, Lily.
SSS
Lily was reading the Daily Prophet when the doorbell rang. Lily did not move and continued to read about obesity in goblin workers at Gringott's. The doorbell rang again. It rang two more times before a voice yelled.
"Open the bloody door before I blast it to pieces!"
Sighing, Lily got up and opened the door. There stood a man about James' height, long black hair falling handsomely over his face. He wore a haughty expression and held flowers in his hand.
"Can I come in?" asked Sirius tightly.
"If you must," said Lily, sighing. She wasn't surprised or disappointed it wasn't James' figure in the doorway. She'd gotten over that months ago.
Sirius stepped into the house, looking around. Lily gestured for him to sit down. He did so, after mumbling, "These are for you," handing over the flowers. Lily took them, placed them on a table and asked, "Tea?"
"Yeah, I guess so."
An awkward silence fell between them. Lily set the cups of tea on the table and sat on a chair beside the fireplace.
"What do you want?"
With a big sigh that said he really didn't want to do this, Sirius began, "Well, Remus persuaded me to come here and once Chelsea overheard him, she started persuading me to come here too and say that I'm really sorry about James and if you need help, I'm here for you."
He finished it all in one breath and looked at her expectantly and defiantly.
Her face was impassive and she said, "Yes. Well. Thank you. For coming down here. And for the flowers."
Another silence.
"You do miss him, don't you?" Sirius' voice was hard.
Lily looked down. She knew that Sirius probably took James' disappearance the hardest out of all the Marauders.
"Yes. Very much. I—"
Lily stopped, unsure if she should reveal this piece of information to Sirius, a person she barely knew. But she had seen Sirius' eyes and they held the same pain and suffering hers held.
"I went out looking for him once."
Sirius nodded and Lily had a suspicion she wasn't the only person who had gone looking for James.
"But…I know he's alive, but…sometimes I think he doesn't want to be found by me."
Sirius frowned, but did not say anything until, "Did you love him?"
Lily's insides went cold. It was the question she hoped she never got asked, yet here Sirius was, expecting an answer.
"What if I told you," began Lily, slowly, "that I didn't?"
Sirius got up and said, "Then I'd hope you were using the past tense on purpose."
The man waved good-bye and Apparated away.
SSS
Another month passed, but no sign of James Potter was to be found. Though the wizarding world did indeed lament the loss of such an illuminating and inspiring figure, they were busy rebuilding their lives after the war. The days were happier and the sun seemed to shine a bit brighter. The nights seemed quieter and wizardkind no longer feared to open their windows in the dark.
Lily Potter lay in her bed, sick with worry that James really was…that James wouldn't be coming back. Of course, this was normal, all that remorse and self-hatred. But tonight, she just couldn't take it anymore. Seven months of waiting, rebuilding and waiting. With a sigh of frustration, she put on her sleeping robe and went downstairs to the kitchen.
She made herself hot cocoa and drank it wearily, wishing it were firewhiskey. She stared blankly at the white walls of the room, until her eyes befell her ring. And before she could stop them, waves of memories crashed on her.
SSS
Their wedding had been…quiet. Their parents had attended, along with Sirius and Alice. It had been a formal ceremony and due to the secrecy of the event, everyone had worn indistinct formal clothing. All the men wore dress robes (a tuxedo in Mr. Evans' case) and she wore a simple white dress. She didn't remember much of the ceremony. But she remembered her heart thudding and face set, not with fear or anxiety, but with pure, raw anger.
When the wizard leading the ceremony bonded them, James leaned down to kiss her. It was not a long kiss, he'd just brushed his lips over hers and Lily had fought the urge to kick him in the groin. Lily didn't remember much of it. Both of them saw disgust on their faces afterwards (unnoticed by all) and Lily felt his hand slipping on the ring. That was the only time he'd ever touched her in intimate company.
Looking back now, Lily realized exactly how humiliating and embarrassing their honeymoon actually was. Of course, she'd been humiliated and embarrassed the first time. But that was because she'd just been married against her will. Now she was humiliated and embarrassed at the way she'd treated him.
They had gone to Venice, with beautiful buildings and statues, happy people walking around and the flocks of the pigeons, flying everywhere. At night, the gondolas would slip slowly by, the water splashing softly and calmly; singing could be heard some distance away and everything was peaceful.
They had opted fore two beds in the room they were staying in. The witch in the hotel gave them a very odd look but said not a word.
On wedding nights, the bride and groom usually…well, James had already begun his paperwork, sitting cross-legged on his bed, hands on his knees, reading a stack of papers.
Lily was lying on her bed, listening to dreary Italian songs on the radio when she finally exploded.
"I HATE THIS!" she yelled, the day's frustration pouring out.
James did not look up.
"I DON'T WANT TO BE MARRIED! NOT YET! AND NOT TO YOU!"
James raised his eyebrows. "You think I want to be married to you, do you?"
He sat there so quietly and calmly, so unlike his robust and excited self.
"I wanted to do so much more! I wanted to be an Auror, not a fucking housewife…"
"You can still be an Auror," said James coldly.
"I'll always be recognized as little Mrs. Potter, James Potters' 'lovely wife', wife to Auror extraordinaire," she said mockingly. She didn't know why she was acting so childish; it just came out.
"All because of a bloody prophecy that might not even be true! 'To produce a child'. Like we're animals!"
Lily looked at her husband filthily. "You'll probably enjoy it."
She wanted to incriminate him, blame everything on him so it would be easier for her. She wanted a reason, any reason, no matter how pathetic it might have been, to hate him. It was easier than pretending to be Potter's little wife. He was sitting there calmly, reading his papers, like there was nothing wrong. She wanted him angry. She decided that moment that as far as she was concerned, the mess she ended up in was Potter's fault.
"You're a pig, Potter. I hate you."
This time, he looked up and there was a flash of anger in his eyes. The moment passed and James went back to his work.
Lily grumbled and turned off her bedside lamp and went to sleep, facing away from James.
"Before you turn in, Lily, here's your wedding gift."
A golden necklace floated in front of her and landed on her pillow. There was a locket, a circular disk that had the words 'Lily Evans Potter' etched in silver. Inside, the locket was blank, but there was a place for a photograph. Furious that James had bested her, she stuffed the necklace into the drawer and went to sleep without saying a word.
SSS
In hindsight, James had probably acted so courteous because it was their wedding night. The next day of course, James had slept in and when Lily had yelled at him to get up, he'd yelled right back. But nonetheless, thought Lily, at least he had made an effort to be kind and she'd refused it.
She'd been a hypocrite. James was the one who was fed up with the loving couple act and Lily who insisted they'd carry on.
Ever since the beginning, she'd wish James was out of her life, so that she could be free from all the trapping she was in. Now that he was gone……
It was very much different.
She dragged herself upstairs and found the locket in a drawer. She hugged it close and went to sleep.
SSS
After that night, Lily had no more dreams of her husband. The first time in months, she'd slept peacefully and had awoken without screaming or sweating in terror.
She had found a photograph of James' laughing face and meticulously put it into the locket. She wore it most of the time now, everywhere she went.
She had gone to Diagon Alley that day to stock up on their library. The library was in the basement of their cottage, filled with the strangest and interesting books James had inherited from the long line of Potters.
She was just about to go downstairs when she spotted a figure out the window. Lily nearly dismissed the figure when she saw that the figure had turned and was walking up the path to their house.
Who was it? By the looks of it, it was either a Ministry official to pester her for information or the half-drunk, out for revenge.
All the figure wore was a cloak, and had his head bent.
Lily got out her wand. That bloody sod is going to get it.
The figure approached the doorway and a weak knock came. A hoarse voice that seemed vaguely familiar called out, "Lily?"
Wide-eyed and hexes forgotten, Lily opened the door.
Stomach lurching and throat nearly closed up, she whispered, "James?"
He smiled a sad smile, took off his hat and put it on the usual place he used to. Lily, in a trance, moved aside to let him in. He took off his cloak and robe and put them on the coat hanger.
"James, is that you?"
James turned around, but before he could face Lily, he dropped to the ground, eyes closed and mouth wide open.
Lily couldn't scream.
SSS
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