Back in the car again with a headache and bad breath. We're heading North and West to Minnesota. Bobby made some call and got me into a Clinic and I don't have any other options, so I agree to spend some time there for now.
My face has gotten worse. It's horrendously swollen. I have trouble speaking, eating, drinking, smoking. I have yet to look in a mirror.
We stop in Minneapolis to pick up Jo and Ellen. They sit with me in the backseat. Jo holds my hand and it helps because I'm scared.
We pull into the Parking Lot and park the car and I finish a bottle and we get out of the car and we start walking toward the Entrance of the Clinic. Me and my brother and Bobby and Jo and Ellen. My entire family. Going into the Clinic. I stop and they stop with me. I stare at the Buildings. Low and long and connected. Functional. Simple. Menacing.
I want to run or die or get fucked up. I want to be blind and dumb and have no heart. I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I want to wipe my existence straight off the map. Straight off the fucking map. I take a deep breath.
"Let's go."
We enter a small Waiting Room. A woman sits behind a desk reading a fashion magazine. She looks up.
"May I help you?"
Bobby steps forward to speak with her while the rest of us take a seat.
I'm shaking. My Hands, my Legs, my Lips, my Everything shaking for any number of reasons.
Bobby walks back over to us and kneels down so that he's on my level.
"They're going to check you in now."
"All right."
"You're gonna be fine boy. This is a good place. This is the best place."
"That's what they tell me."
"You ready?"
"Does it really matter?"
We all stand and go to the door. And whort man is standing there.
"I'm sorry, but you have to leave him here."
Jo looks like she's going to cry. Bobby nods. Nobody else does anything.
"We'll check him in and you can call him later to make sure he's all right."
Sam looks at me intently.
"Don't worry, he's in the right place."
I turn to look at them all. Then one by one they hug me. Each hug more awkward for me than the last. I know it means a lot to them so I don't let go until they let go. Once everyone has had their turn I walk through the door without a word. The man shuts the door and just like that, my family is gone.
"Hi."
"Hello."
"How are you?"
"How do I look?"
"Not good."
"I feel worse."
"You name is Dean. You're twenty-four. You live in Kansas."
"Yeah."
"You're going to be staying with us for a while. Is that ok?"
"For now."
"Do you know anything about this Facility?"
"No."
"Do you want to know anything?"
"I don't really care."
He just looks at me.
"We are the oldest Residential Drug and Alcohol Treatment Facility in the World. We were founded in 1943 in an old house that sat on the land, where these buildings, thirty-two interconnected one's, sit now. We have treated over twenty thousand Patients. We have the highest success rate of any Facility in the World. At any given time, there are anywhere form two hundred and two hundred and fifty Patients spread through six units, three of which house men and three of which house women. We believe that Patients should stay here for as long as a term that they need. Not something as specific as a twenty-eight-day program. Although it is expensive to come here, many of the Patients here are here on Scholarships that we fund and through subsidies that we support. We have and endowment of several hundred million dollars. We not only treat Patients, we are also one of the leading Research and Educational Institutions in the field of Addiction Studies. You should consider yourself fortunate to be here and you should be excited to start a new chapter in your life."
I stare at the man. I do not speak. He stares back at me, waiting for something to be said.
"You ready to get started?"
I don't smile.
"Sure."
He gets up and I get up and we walk down a hall. He talks and I don't.
"The doors are always open here, so if yo want to leave, you can. Substance use is no allowed and if you're caught you will be sent Home. You are not allowed to say anything more than a hello to any women aside from Doctors, Nurses or Staff Members. Romantic relationships of any kind, no matter the sex, are forbidden. There are other rules, but those are the only one's that matter right now."
We walk through a door into the Medical Wing. There are small Rooms and Doctors and Nurses and a Pharmacy. The cabinets have huge steel locks on the doors. He shows me to a Room. It has a bed and a desk and a chair and a closet and a window. Everything is white.
He stand at the door and I sit on the bed.
"A Nurse will be here in a few minutes to speak with you."
"Fine."
"You feel ok?"
"No, I feel like shit."
"It'll get better,"
"Yeah."
"Trust me."
"Yeah."
The man leaves and he shuts the door and I'm alone. My feet bounce, I touch my face, i run my tongue along my gums. I'm cold and getting colder. I hear someone scream.
The door opens and a Nurse walks in the Room. She wears all white, just like the walls, and she carries a clipboard.
She sits in the chair by the desk.
"Hi, Dean."
"Hi."
"I need to ask you some questions."
"All right."
"I also need to check your vitals."
"All right."
"What type of substances do you use?"
"Alcohol."
"Every day?"
"Yes."
"What time do you start drinking?"
"When I wake up."
She marks it down.
"How much per day?"
"As much as I can."
"How much is that?"
"Enough to make myself look like this."
She looks at me. She marks it down.
"Do you use anything else?"
"Cocaine."
"How often?"
"Every day."
She marks it down.
"How much?"
"As much as I can get."
She marks it down.
"In what form?"
"Lately, crack. But over the years, in every form that it exists."
She marks that down.
"Anything else?"
"Pills, acid, mushrooms, meth, PCP, and glue."
Marks it down.
"How often?"
"When I have it."
"How often?"
"A few times a week."
Marks it down.
She moves forward and draws a stethoscope.
"How are you feeling?"
"Terrible."
"In what way?"
"In every way."
She reaches for my shirt.
"Do you mind."
"No."
She lifts my shirt and put the stethoscope to my chest. She listens.
"Breathe deeply."
She listens.
"Do it again."
She lowers my shirt and she pulls away and she marks it all down.
"Thank you."
I smile.
"Are you cold?"
"Yes."
She has a blood pressure gauge,
"Do you feel nauseous?"
"Yes."
She straps it on my arm. It hurts. I'm used to pain by now though.
"When was the last time you used?"
She pumps it.
"A little while ago."
"What and how much?"
"I drank a bottle of vodka."
"How does it compare to your normal daily dosage?"
"It doesn't."
She watches the gauge and the dials move and she marks it down and she removes the gauge.
"I'm gonna leave for a while, but I'll be back."
I stare at the wall.
"We need to monitor you carefully and we will probably need to give you some detoxification drugs."
I see a shadow and I think it moves but I'm not sure.
"You're fine right now, but I think you'll start to feel some things."
I see another one. I hate it.
"If you need anything, just give me a call."
I hate it.
She stands up and she smiles at me and then she leaves the Room.
I take my shoes off and I lie on top on my blankets even though I am cold. I close my eyes and then I fall asleep.
I wake up and I start to shiver and I curl up and I flench my Fists. Sweat rums down my Chest, my Arms, the Backs of my Legs. It stings my Face.
I sit up and I hear someone moan. I see a bug in the corner and it's huge and it's ugly and I know it's not really there. The walls close in and expand the close in and they expand and I can hear them. I cover my ears, but it's not enough,
I stand. I look around me. I don't know anything. Where I am, why, what happened, how to escape, what my Name is, my Life.
I curl up on the floor and I am crushed by images and sounds. Things I have seen or heard or even knew that existed. They come from the ceiling, the door, the window, the desk, the chair, the bed. They're coming from the fucking closet. Dark shadows and Bright lights and Flashes of blue and yellow and red as deep as the red of my blood. They move toward me and they scream at me and I don't know what they are but I know they're helping the bugs. They're screaming at me.
I start shaking. Shaking shaking shaking. My entire Body is shaking and sweating and it stings. My heart is racing. The bugs crawl onto my skin and they star biting me and I try to kill them. I claw at my skin, leaving bloody trails. I tear at my hair and I start biting at myself only I don't have any teeth and there are shadows and Bright lights and Flashes and screams and bugs bugs bugs. I am lost. I am completely fucking lost.
I scream.
I piss on myself.
I shit my pants.
The Nurse returns and she call for help and Men in White come in and they put me on the bed and they hold me there. I try and kill the bugs but I can't move so they live. In me. On me. I feel the stethoscope and the gauge and they stick a needle in my arm and they hold me down.
I am blinded by the Darkness.
I am Gone.