This first chapter could very well be a "what if" or A/U. It's been over 20 years since I watched an episode from the fourth season so this subject might have been dealt with differently in an actual episode. The rest should stay within cannon.

Chapter 1-Book Burning

Lee sat cross legged in front of his fireplace watching the flames as their pointed tongues flicked upward. He breathed deeply and the resulting sigh was somewhere between remorse and resignation. He worked again to push the thought of the neat pile only inches away from the hand he leaned on for support, as the other hand held a glass of Scotch on the Rocks. The pile was certainly the 800-lb gorilla in the room, but he just wasn't ready to acknowledge it. The instant his mind made the slightest move in that direction, he could see Amanda's face, her look of disappointment. He didn't want to think about it. He had come so close to something he had only realized recently that he wanted badly. To admit now that it was forever out of his reach might be too much.

He shook his head and snorted in disgust. He'd been fooling himself. When had he started this little charade with his psyche? Over the summer? He'd looked for excuses to have Amanda around, even going so far as to request her "help" on an extended assignment in West Germany in July. He could have handled it with the agents in country but he'd told Billy that Amanda's "unique insights" would prove useful. He wasn't sure if Billy really believed him, the silence before Lee heard Billy's reply seemed longer than should be expected in a normal overseas call, but Billy had agreed and Amanda was on a flight to Bonn the next day. It was with great relief that Lee watched Amanda disembark 15 hours later. Her mere smile a balm to his tired soul.

Lee thought further. No, it was before that. Maybe when Amanda had left The Agency to work for Byron Jordan? That had certainly been a wake up call. The idea that she wouldn't be around had forced him to realize he'd been taking certain things for granted. He understood her need to provide for her family, and had actually been proud of her ability to land such an important job, but it had taken all of his agency training to walk away with nothing more than a smile and a, "See you around." No one was happier than he when Amanda was offered her old job back, and accepted.

He closed his eyes as he thought over the past year. In hindsight it seemed as if each assignment, each encounter, with Amanda, drew him closer to her. The stress & guilt over his actions during his "burn out" case had made him more cautious in his behavior toward her. Lee might not understand a lot, but he knew he never wanted Amanda to look at him like that again. A chill went through him as he pushed that memory aside. He thought of a better memory, seeing Amanda walk into Billy's office the morning he'd read her obituary. Lee had wanted so much to tell her of his fear he'd experienced and his relief when he'd discovered the truth. Instead he guarded his emotions and went with her to the grocery store to help her out, knowing he'd gladly have done almost anything she'd asked of him at that moment.

He thought of when she'd been drugged when she ate a sandwich meant for him, his desperation to find a way to cure her before it was too late. Barely a month before that he'd pulled her from the ledge of a construction site based only on three little words, "Oh my gosh." He'd known which Amanda was the real deal, and when he'd looked in her eyes as she shivered in his arms, he knew there could be no doubt. That feeling he always had when he looked into their depths was there. It hadn't been with the fake Amanda. Amanda's eyes were just something no one could pretend to copy. Even earlier, the feeling of incredulity at the accusations against her in the Spiderweb case had heightened his awareness of his loyalty to her.

How had it come to this point? The walls he had so carefully constructed since his parents had died, the solid fortress around his heart, had somehow come down. But when? How? He had always been so careful. Each time he felt just the slightest loosening of a brick, he worked overtime on the repairs, pushing the offending party away with his practiced gruff exterior, cruel words, or callous dismissals. When had that stopped with Amanda? Why was it that whenever they had an argument he now felt the need to make things right between them? Why did he take her out for coffee, or hover under her kitchen window until he knew she was alone and could talk? When had he ever been interested in just talking with a woman as beautiful as Amanda?

He realized, as he now thought about it, that she had somehow worked past those walls, come up inside them, and torn them down from within. In fact, he'd have to admit that over the past year he had gladly helped her. Finally, Lee smiled as he settled on the moment he'd been looking for. The instant that first brick had been not just pushed slightly out of place, but, he acknowledged to himself, completely knocked out of the wall and broken on the ground below.

"Do you have any place to go on Thanksgiving?"

They were at the top of the steps at the Jefferson Memorial. Lee was doing his damnedest to lose this annoying woman who seemed insistent on asking him all the questions he avoided.

"Never a Mrs. Spy? No little spies?"

Everyone knew better than to ask Scarecrow what he was doing for any holiday. He was working. He'd always worked on all the holidays. He attended the office Christmas party only when he couldn't get himself an overseas assignment and Billy threatened him.

He'd thought briefly, "What does she care?" And he bantered with her until, for some unknown reason he'd told her in a round about way what had happened to his last partner. Lee had been shocked at his self-betrayal. Later he would chalk it up to the belief that he would never see her again. Now he believed that it was because, even then, he could sense her care and concern for him.

After that she was able to take out other small portions of his fortress. A brick here, a few there, a huge section as he carried her limp body down the stairs of James Delano's mansion. He'd tried so hard to rebuild. He sometimes even felt frantic. He'd use every opportunity to lash out at her. Every slight mistake on her part was an excuse to push her back outside his defenses, where she belonged. But then...

Lee paused to steady himself at his next memory. The hand holding his glass of scotch trembled slightly as he recalled an event he'd thought about far too much lately. Taking a deep breath and inwardly chastising himself for letting his thoughts take him anywhere near this emotional land-mine, he stared back into the fire and he indulged, for what he told himself would be the last time. He could feel the breeze on his face. The smell of the ocean air was easily recalled. The tropical birds, the waves crashing against the shore somewhere beyond the trees, all these had faded into the background as Lee lifted the veil over Amanda's head. A thousand thoughts and fears assailed Lee's mind until his lips touched hers and they were all scattered to the wind. For that instant, unlike any other moment, there was nothing else, no one else. It was such a gentle kiss, but Lee had never been so affected. He didn't want the feeling to end and joined his lips to hers again, albeit briefly. When she had reached up to wipe the lipstick off his lips he had given her fingers a kiss as if to communicate his need for more.

And this was as far as he usually bothered to remember. He had been indulging in a fantasy, he realized now. He'd neglected the reality of the rest of the story. Lee had been upset with Francine when, upon returning to the real world of The Agency, she'd been the one to blurt out the truth of Lee's solution to the marriage problem to Amanda. He'd hoped to speak with Amanda privately to see if he could gauge her feelings about what had happened at the ceremony. Was he the only one who'd felt whatever it was he was certain had passed between them? Now, he knew, her response was what he really should have been thinking of all these months. It was obvious at the time she hadn't felt what he had. Her response was rational and professional. And now he understood why.

Lee brought his glass to his lips and threw back his head as he swallowed the rest of the watered down scotch. Setting the glass beside him, he gathered all the courage he had and reached over for the stack of four black books. He recalled with revulsion a time, not so long ago, when opening one of these books and perusing them, considering which "treat" he was in the mood for that day or the coming weekend, gave him what he thought then to be a wonderful feeling. But Amanda had shown him something different, a different way to think about women, a different way to think about himself. What he wanted was attainable, just not with her.

"Um, there are four."

He'd given a weak apologetic grimace to Amanda, to which she replied with a shrug of her shoulders as she turned her face away from him. That one act had brought Lee painfully back to reality. His eyes had been opened to what he was. And more importantly, they had been opened to what a woman like Amanda deserved. She deserved better than some playboy who used women for his own gratification, who collected their names in address books and wrote little notes about his trysts so he could "remember" them in case he wanted to use them again in the future.

Now he opened the top book to the first page.

'A'

'Allison Grey.'

Lee groaned. He didn't even list them by their last name as would be expected in a normal address book. He looked at his special "shorthand" he'd come up with to remind him that she looked good in lace, she liked Martinis, and she preferred to leave after they were "done" instead of staying until morning.

In the margin to the right of the entry he saw in Amanda's feminine penmanship, "Left message on answering machine." Seeing her handwriting in this chronicle of his selfishness cut through Lee's heart in a way he'd never thought possible. Over the two years he'd worked with her he'd tried to protect her from a lot of things, but never this. This one thing he'd had complete control over, he had at times paraded in front of her. He recalled chastising her in an Austrian jail cell for ruining his plans with Gillian. He wouldn't let up. He'd been cruel when she was in distress.

Lee ripped the page out of the book, crumpled it in his fist, then threw it into the fireplace. He watched as it caught fire and quickly tuned to ash.

Page 2.

Rip.

Crumple.

She had never been cruel to him.

Toss.

Burn.

Page 3.

Rip.

Crumple.

He had taken her for granted so many times.

Toss.

Burn.

Page 4.

Rip.

Crumple.

She was always grateful for any small kindness.

Toss.

Burn.

Page 5.

Rip.

Crumple.

How could he ever have thought she would want someone like him?

Toss.

Burn.

Page 6.

Rip.

Crumple.

Amanda deserved a man who was unselfish.

Toss.

Burn.

Page 7.

Rip.

Crumple.

Amanda deserved a man who could treat her like the amazing woman she was.

Toss.

Burn.

Page 8.

Rip.

Crumple.

Amanda deserved better than him.

Toss.

Burn.

It was nearly dawn by the time he completed what slowly became a ritual burning. Exhausted, he walked into his room, removed all his clothes, save his blue boxers, and crawled into the bed he hadn't shared with a woman in over half a year. He'd tried after the trip to San Angelo. His last ditch effort had been with Randi, a voluptuous blond who should have done everything Lee always enjoyed. Instead he found her dull and vapid. Her kisses left much to be desired and she never felt right in his arms. He compared each moment they were together to that brief time in San Angelo with Amanda during which something had shaken him to the core and she accomplished what no other woman, no other person, had ever been able to do. She tamed him. Her calming influence that had slowly become so useful to him in his job had worked its way into his personal life and now had altered him forever. In this he felt a great contentment. His only sadness was that Amanda could never feel the way for him that he felt for her. But now he knew what to look for. Now he could find someone unlike the women he'd wasted his life with. Amanda had shown him. He could at least be grateful for that, he thought as he closed his eyes and drifted off into a restless sleep.