A/N: Sorry this is so late. I had a bit of writer's block. It went away when I chucked part of the episode (between the police station and the next morning) that I just couldn't figure out how to add to, so now it really would be a good idea to watch S3E3 before reading this chapter. :)

Again, many thanks for all the reviews and follows. Constructive criticism greatly welcome.

Chapter 8-Lies, Damned Lies, and the Truth of the Matter

'Who said I have a new girlfriend?'

Lee's denial played over and over in Amanda's head as she drove her station wagon down to the police station to see about Elizabeth Sullivan. She simply couldn't understand why he was lying about this. Her mind returned again to her earlier suspicions but she clamped down on those thoughts. She refused to believe that Lee would ever intentionally get involved with a married woman. Reminding herself that she should consider him innocent until proven guilty, she pulled into the station parking lot.

Not for the first time this week did Amanda feel like she was suffering from emotional whiplash. That morning Lee had seemed distant and aloof. Then, after the bombing, she could have sworn he was his old self again. The way he'd held her, the way he'd looked at her; she had briefly thought that maybe whatever wall he was trying to erect between them had come down. But then, after they'd gone over the photos of the bombing sight with Billy and Francine, he'd lied to her again.

This was starting to feel like the not-so good old days to Amanda. Back when she'd first started working with Lee, he'd always been trying to push her away. His harsh words and actions, his lies about whatever he felt she didn't need to know, had all been used to try to push her away from him, and out of the spy business. He hadn't wanted her around and he'd never made any bones about that fact. How could they be back to that point again? It was as if the past year had never happened, that they had never grown closer, that he had never started to trust her.

Sighing, Amanda grabbed her purse and stepped out of the car. Once inside the busy police station she was directed and re-directed in her efforts to find Mrs. Sullivan. Finally she found an officer at a desk who seemed to at least know who she was asking about when she mentioned Elizabeth Sullivan's name. Nodding, he picked up the receiver to, Amanda hoped, find the information she was looking for.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a man's voice.

"Do you know my wife," a tense, but sad, male voice asked.

Amanda looked up to see a man wearing a grey shirt and blue jacket holding Elizabeth's little boy.

"Hello, Justin," Amanda said, reaching out her hand to the baby.

Introducing herself to Elizabeth's husband, Amanda explained to him that she had information that she was sure could clear his wife.

She stopped talking when she heard a familiar voice coming from the other side of the room. She looked toward Lee as he glanced at her. She could hear him talking to the detective on the case and he sounded as if he was trying to help Elizabeth Sullivan.

When Elizabeth came out from behind a door she went to her husband and they held each other. Amanda watched the reunion with one eye, while the other took in Lee's face as he watched them as well. He seemed genuinely happy at the scene before him. His look was almost enough to make her forget this entire week had happened.

After the Sullivan's left, Amanda walked over to Lee. The look on his face washed away most of her worries, at least the ones about the two of them. She knew he'd arranged Elizabeth's release, but she asked just to hear his confirmation.

"Good move," she told him, and he looked genuinely pleased with her praise.

Amanda started to walk out of the office and Lee stepped alongside her, placing his hand at the small of her back. She was only slightly confused but determined to stop worrying about everything. Whatever it was that was going on with Lee, he'd open up and talk to her sooner or later. She knew she just had to be patient.

As they exited the station house, Lee suggested they go talk with the Sullivan's at their boat to see if they could get any information that might help them in their investigation. Amanda agreed and Lee guided her toward his parked car.

When she reminded him that her car was here as well he said, "There's no need to take both cars for this, I'll just bring you back for your car when we are done."

It felt completely normal to drive along with Lee this afternoon. Such a huge difference from just this morning. Amanda hoped that whatever was troubling him, he would soon see he could talk with her about it. Then maybe she could just put this week behind her and they could get back to their partnership.

Lee tossed his keys on the bar as he kicked the apartment door closed behind him with his heel. Sighing deeply, he ran his hand through his hair. This had to have been the most difficult day he'd had in longer than he could remember. Just when he had figured a way to get Amanda out of his system, fate seemed to have thrust her forcibly back into every moment of the day. Fate hated him.

He made his way to the shower, shedding clothing as he went. He needed to wash off what was left of the fire extinguisher fluid. Amanda had wiped most of it off with some wet paper towels while they answered police questions at Magnuson's apartment. As Lee stepped into the shower and let the water pour over him, he tried to no avail to not think of how relaxed he had felt, perched on the stool in the apartment, with Amanda's left hand on his shoulder, her right hand rubbing his face and hair and neck with the wet towels. Her face was right next to his as he told Manny what had happened when they got to the apartment, and it felt so natural. Not in a romantic way. His heart didn't race, his palms hadn't sweated, but her ministrations had calmed him in a way no one else had ever been able. And he'd enjoyed the peace he'd felt.

How she always managed to calm him, he didn't know. It wasn't always completely that way. In the beginning her mere presence, or the mention of her name, would get him agitated, but at the same time, he occasionally found himself much more at ease with her than he had ever felt with anyone else. He could argue a thousand reasons why he had picked her out at that train station, but the reality was, he'd instinctively known he could trust her. He thinks it was her eyes. Something about the strength in them when she was merely walking down the train station platform told him that she wouldn't be afraid of him or what he was about to ask her to do. And that had helped him abate the fear that was threatening to take over due to sheer exhaustion after physically being on the run all night.

He poured some shampoo in his hand and worked it into a lather before he scrubbed it into his hair. God, he felt like two different people these days. There was the Lee that was rational and professional, that knew there was no way in hell Amanda could ever be interested in the same thing he wanted with her. The other Lee, the one that he had been holding in check all week, didn't really care what the rational Lee thought. The other Lee wanted, no, needed, Amanda. He was at war with himself and today marked the biggest battle since rational Lee had taken his rightful place.

Who had won today, he thought, as he finished showering and stepped out onto the mat. He reached for the towel and dried himself off. Hanging it up over the shower curtain bar when he finished, he turned around to grab his robe and hesitated when he saw the single blue garment hanging on the back of the door. How different from the old days when he'd had those awful brown robes; "Lee" and "She" embroidered on the front. It was more than slightly embarrassing to think of them now. He remembered Amanda's reaction when she'd seen them and he honestly blushed. He felt his face grow warm and he realized it really didn't matter which "Lee" had won today, as long as he knew which one had to win in the end.

Pulling on his robe, he threw open the bathroom door and made his way directly to the phone in the living room. He needed to see Leslie. At least when he was with her, irrational Lee could be kept under better control. And after today, that side of him needed to be stifled as quickly and thoroughly as possible.

There was no answer at the hotel so he called her office number to see if her secretary knew how to reach her.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Stetson," the woman told him. "Ms. O'Conner was called in for translation earlier today and she isn't expected to be done until very late this evening. Didn't she leave you a message?"

Lee looked at his answering machine. The red light was blinking.

"Yeah, she probably did," he sighed. "I forgot to check. Thanks."

"You're welcome," she said.

Hanging up the phone, Lee sat at his desk in defeat. What was he going to do now?

He looked around his apartment as if he'd find the answer there. The thought of spending yet another sleepless night, alone, did not bring him much comfort. On the coffee table he saw today's paper. He walked over and picked up the Post, digging through the sections to find the page titled "Entertainment." Finding it, he opened to the movie show times. He figured that since he'd been having trouble sleeping this week he should eat first, then go to a later movie. Maybe in the darkness of the theater he'd relax enough to sleep when he returned home.

Deciding on the Arnold Schwarzenegger film, he looked at the times it was playing locally. He figured anything after 10pm would be perfect. He finally found a theater showing it that late and went to dress.

After a late dinner at a fairly good burger place he'd been wanting to try (and ignoring the voice that reminded him that he'd first thought it would be someplace he could go to with Amanda) he made his way to the theater.

He bought his ticket and entered the theater then he found a seat in the back row of the sparsely filled room. It was late on a weeknight so he hadn't assumed there would be many people. As long as no one sat in front of him he'd be fine.

The lights dimmed and the trailers started to play. A moment before the movie finally started, a couple came in and sat down three rows in front of him. He could still see so he ignored them and settled in to enjoy the movie. After a while, though, he couldn't help but notice the woman's physical reaction to each and every scary or gory moment. She would jump then hide her face in her date's shoulder. It started to get on Lee's nerves. He looked at the couple to glare at the back of their heads and his breath caught in his throat. From behind, the woman looked exactly like Amanda. She had the same slim shoulders, which were covered with what Francine would consider a very plain, frumpy sweater. Her brown curls fell down onto those same shoulders.

Trying to reign in his emotions, Lee reasoned that it couldn't possibly be Amanda. The way she was snuggled so closely to the man was proof, he told himself. She wasn't dating anyone.

'Yeah, and you don't have a new girlfriend,' that same voice from earlier reminded him sarcastically.

The man's arm was around the woman's shoulder and then he moved to run his fingers through her hair and turned and gave her a kiss on her the top of her head. Leaning down to her ear he whispered something. Lee could barely breath now, and he had absolutely no idea what was going on in the movie.

He remembered all the times he'd been so jealous when other men paid attention to Amanda, but this felt nothing like that. This felt like cold fear. It was as if he had lost Amanda. Which was ridiculous, he told himself. Amanda had never been his in the first place. But no amount of reason could calm him. The thought of Amanda with another man felt like it was killing him. The knowledge that he could never bring her the happiness she deserved tore at his heart and the idea that he had to sacrifice the only thing he'd ever truly wanted in his life was almost more than he could bare. He worked to control any outward betrayal of his emotions and thought briefly of leaving, but that would draw attention to himself and he wasn't sure yet if he'd masked his feelings well enough.

He spent the next hour and a half trying to ignore the couple in front of him and concentrate on the carnage on the screen. But when the man bent down and kissed the woman on the lips, Lee just about jumped out of his seat. Gripping the armrests, he forced himself to calm and finish out the movie. What would he say if people at work asked him if he'd seen it? Oh, yeah, but only half, I couldn't handle watching a woman who looked like Amanda make out with a guy who wasn't me? That thought made him laugh and too late he realized he should have seen a comedy instead. It probably would have been more distracting.

By the time the credits started to roll, Lee felt more in control and got up to leave. He couldn't resist a look back at the pair after he passed them. He couldn't see the woman's face as she was turned to the man. But he could see the man. It wasn't anyone he recognized from Amanda's life, though he'd stop checking up on her friends and acquaintances a year ago. That made him think that maybe he should..."no!' he told himself. He was not going down that road again. He could trust Amanda. Her judgment and instincts had improved. There was no need to check on the people she interacted with.

Resisting the urge to drive by Amanda's house, which would have been very out of the way, he went straight home. When was this going to be easier, he thought. When would the half of him that had briefly allowed himself to entertain the idea of something more with Amanda be satisfied that it was completely impossible?

The first thing he did when he got into his apartment was to pour himself a scotch and swallow it down as quickly as possible. In a few moments he felt the alcohol begin to take effect. He set the glass on the bar and went to the bedroom. Stripping down to his boxers, he threw back the covers and fell into bed, covering his head with his pillow. If he could just sleep tonight, things would go smoother tomorrow, he was certain.

He began to take slow deep breaths until he finally felt his mind begin to relax. Removing the pillow from his face, he placed it under his head and adjusted himself to a more comfortable position. Then he drifted off into what he hoped would be at least a few hours of sleep.

Slowly the darkness of sleep began to give way to his dreams. He saw Amanda's house and walked toward it. Making his way around to the back as usual, he peeked into the kitchen window. He could see Amanda sitting on the sofa watching something on the television. There was a man with her, his left arm around her shoulders, but Lee didn't feel any of the jealousy or fear he would normally feel. The picture before him seemed so natural, like it was supposed to be happening.

He could see a ring on the man's finger, and for some reason that made him happy. Amanda deserved this. She deserved someone who could love her and cherish her. Lee could feel himself smile even in his dream state as a feeling of warmth washed over him. He looked at the couple as they laughed either at something on the screen or something one of them had said. He wished he could hear her laughter through the closed window.

A movement at the foot of the staircase caught his attention. There was small boy, no more than three, in nothing but his underwear, a cowboy hat and boots. Lee chuckled at the sight. He seemed to remember doing something similar when he was that age. Amanda stood from the sofa and went to talk with the boy. When she removed the hat, Lee was surprised to see a mop of curly brown hair on top. Neither Philip no Jamie had curly hair. This boy had ended up with his mothers hair, and it looked good on him.

Lee glanced over to the man on the sofa. He had leaned forward and was pulling some popcorn out of a bowl and shoving a handful into his mouth. He shook his head, and his shoulders bobbed up and down as if he were laughing. Finally he stood and turned to look at Amanda and the boy.

Lee felt sure his heart would stop in his dream, maybe even in reality. He shook his head. It couldn't be.

"Couldn't it?" a voice said beside him.

Turning he saw himself. And now he was even more confused. But for some reason he answered.

"No," he told himself. "She wouldn't."

"Why not?" his self asked in return.

"Because I," Lee stopped as his voice broke, but his other self was patient as he waited. Lee turned back to look at the man, himself, again. "Because I don't deserve her."

"And how is love a matter of deserving?" his other self asked him calmly.

Lee had never really thought about it before. He'd actually never really thought about what made people love each other at all before he met Amanda.

"Do you think you always deserved your parents' love?" his other self went on.

"That's different," he responded.

"How?"

Lee was at a loss again. Turning back to the window he looked into Amanda's house with a greater longing than he ever had before. The man was holding the boy now, his smile showed how proud he was to have his son. Lee just couldn't believe that the man was him.

He felt his other self right next to him now, looking in with him.

"This is Amanda we're talking about," his other self said quietly. "She loves people in a way no one else you have ever known does."

"But," Lee started.

"No 'buts,' Lee," his other self said in a more firm tone. "To think Amanda could never love you the way you love her is to make her less loving than you know she is."

He looked back at himself trying to process what he'd said. He opened his mouth to offer a rebuttal, but his other self just shook his head, then he turned and smiled in on the happy family in the house before slowly fading away.

Lee looked in at the window again. Amanda was now pulling some milk out of the refrigerator. He smiled. He knew what she'd do. Walking over to the stove, she pulled a pot out from the cabinet beneath, then measured three mugs worth of milk. He wondered if it would be warm milk with vanilla, or if she'd make hot chocolate. He watched as the Lee in his dream walked over to the stove, still carrying his son in his arms. That Lee leaned down and kissed Amanda on the cheek. The boy clapped his hands and cheered at that. He couldn't stop himself from laughing out loud at that. The boy must have heard him because he turned to the window. Still smiling he waved at the Lee's "real" self and then gestured at him to come in.

Lee obeyed and walked around to the kitchen door. It opened noiselessly, and he could hear the laughter of the family inside.

"Looks like our son has picked up your habit of staring out the kitchen window," the Lee inside said.

Amanda laughed and her pure joy washed over the Lee's "real" self as he followed the sound of it into the family room. The boy looked at him again and smiled an even bigger smile. His parents seemed oblivious to their visitor and continued their conversation.

"Old habits are hard to break," Amanda said. "I spent so many years looking out that window, most of them just hoping you'd be there."

"Yeah," the dream Lee said. "Hoping for another adventure."

Amanda shook her head.

"No," she said, as she put her arms around his waist and pulled him closer. "Just hoping to see you, to talk with you."

When the dream Lee spoke again his voice was cracking with emotion.

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" he asked, then placed a kiss on the top of her head.

Amanda pulled back and playfully slapped him on the arm.

"Oh, you," she admonished with a chuckle. "I am not going to start that argument again."

"Ah, but it always ends so well," the dream Lee said.

"Real" Lee knew that voice, it was his bedroom voice. He had never used it on Amanda, but the thought that he possibly could and that she'd respond sent tremors to every nerve ending.

"Don't start that in front of," Amanda's words were muffled as the dream Lee bent down and pulled her into a controlled, but passionate kiss.

When he pulled away Amanda let out a shuddering sigh.

"What was I doing?" she asked, obviously rattled.

The dream Lee laughed.

"Hot chocolate," the boy said with a huge smile.

"Oh, alright," Amanda said.

"Real" Lee looked at the boy again and found him staring back.

"I love you, Daddy," the boy said, and Lee knew he wasn't talking to the man holding him, but to the "real" one standing several feet away in the family room.

A feeling that he'd never known came over Lee then. He wanted to feel it again. Wanted to feel it forever, and he suddenly realized that this really was the only way he'd get to have that. No matter what he kept telling himself, this was the only way he'd ever have what he really wanted. Looking at Amanda's smile he wondered if it wasn't just as true for her.

Slowly the scene vanished from his sight but Lee didn't wake in a cold sweat, or even with a content feeling. He slept on and when he awoke the next morning he felt more rested than he had in years.

A/N: It will be two weekends before I put up the next chapter. My house looks like Joan Wilder's apartment at the beginning of Romancing the Stone. :D