Chapter 3

"You can't hide from it forever, Kakashi" Glassy emerald eyes glistening with unshed tears, wrinkled nose bridge and contorted thin eyebrows releasing pent-up anger, and words piercing through his ears straight into the centre of his consciousness – all were directed at him to crack his mental fortress.

He always knew she would be the death of him. Who said he was a strong man? He was weak and mortal. No matter how many times he may have successfully cheated the Death, he was just plain lucky.

He also learnt it the hard way that no matter how smart and far-sighted you thought you were you would never be able to fathom the bottom of human's heart and their flickering emotions.

The first idol in his life committed suicide since he buckled under the condemnation of the village and the comrades that he had spent his whole life protecting. He sensed his father's weakened mentality but hoped that he could pull it through but eventually he could not.

He misplaced his trust on the dark-haired boy because he was his favorite and he saw a lot of himself in that brooding brat. He believed that the last Uchiha would not descend into darkness of revenge but he was wrong.

He believed that his best friend Obito was a true hero whose legacy should have been passed through for the next generations of the Leaf shinobiis. Said man just sprang up after sixteen years, successfully becoming one of the biggest enemies in Konoha's history (or maybe the whole ninja world), having a dab hand at orchestrating the rampage of the Kyubi in his own home village and the fourth shinobii war because the silver-haired man failed to protect Rin – the only girl Obito ever loved.

Fate did not seem to favour Kakashi much as a person because no matter what he tried, no matter who he trusted, it would ultimately find a way to distort that beautiful memory of these people and destroyed all of his hope, making him living in self-blaming and regret.

Ironically, even when he became more cynical with hope and trust over the years, Kakashi never seemed to be able to give up on life even though it just constantly threw cruel jokes at him. Because he had seen better.

He had witnessed beacons of hope through all of this seemingly eternal darkness of killing and hatred in Naruto, Yondaime-Hokage – his sensei, Sakura, Shikamaru, Jiraiya, Tsunade, his other best friend Guy, Tenzou, Asuma, Guy's student – Rock Lee – and so many others he did not name – people who never lost sign of what was important to them, people who have a big heart and found it so much easier than him to open up to someone else, people who did not suffer from dual personality syndrome.

It was a cliché to say that some people were born with light-nature in them while others were prone to darkness but it was indeed a precise description to some extends.

Kakashi was the funny one that stuck in the middle, having both light and darkness characteristics – a perpetual loner who were so easy to gain attention and likings from those around him; a skeptical believer who could not trust people so easily but once he trusted someone, he could give up his life protecting that person; a selfish and selfless shinobii who valued teamwork more than anything but would have abandoned it in a heartbeat if he had seen any opportunity to complete the mission alone at his own expenses; and ultimately an overtly high achiever, independent thinker, smartass who very often thought of himself as trash whose existence was just to make one mistake after another.

The only thing he could do was to groom Naruto, Sakura and their friends into honorable shinobii who did not generate another cycle of hatred and revenge the same way his generation had to suffer.

His students had lived up to his expectation until this happened.

In his wildest dream, he would never think this could happen. Especially not with her – the only team-member he trusted would never cause any trouble because she was smart and clear-headed. Especially not the kind of trouble that he could never know how to deal with.

The heart-related trouble.

Once again, fate always had unexpected and unwelcomed twist in store for him to make sure that his life did not lose the movie-like drama it maliciously enjoyed.

Since when it got into her silly young head the idea of falling for an old man fourteen years of her senior, he did not know. Since when he noticed how she had been mature into a fine kunoichi with an intriguing fearsome beauty that he always instinctively favored of, he could not remember. He just realized only when it was too late for both of them to do anything to stop this wrong feeling.

Well, at least it was wrong in his viewpoint. She did not think so. If anything, she did not fence herself away from her own feelings. She did not run and hide after she knew for certain what it was. She said she could not lie to her heart the way he did. She loved him and wanted to pursue this love.

Now she was here, standing in front of him and demanding him of his conclusion, stopping him from evading as he had done for the last six months:

"Why me, Sakura? Of all people" – He asked silently into the night, his deep voice did not lessen the tension between them, rather just stretching it further.

"I'd asked myself that question so many times too" – angrily wiping her tears away with the back of her hand, Sakura regained her control and bore into the Copy Nin's lone eye again: "but I'd never found the answer myself. I guess because it's not really important."

"It is to me" – He smiled sadly at her – "I don't think you know what you've got yourself into Sakura, I'm thirty years old and you are sixteen"

"Seventeen" – she corrected him with an unfaltering look.

"Seventeen" – Kakashi let out a short caustic laugh then heaving a deep sigh – "You're too young to know any better, one day you will just realize how silly this whole thing is" – his hands shoved deeper into his pants' pockets

"Don't give me that crappy maturity lecture" – She swung her arm sideway as her fingers balled into a fist: "It has nothing to do with age, I can see the way you look at me Kakashi" – her voice trailed off in a much softer tone as she unable to maintain her gaze at him.

Green eyes diverted sideways as if searching for the right words then back to him again with so much longing and affection he could not deny how affected they were on him from inside:

"I'm not blind, Kakashi, please don't say that my feelings are silly. You don't know any better either because if you did, you wouldn't run away from it for the last six months."

She paused to register that he was shifting uncomfortably although his face remained as inexpressive as ever. She wasn't fooled by his false composure anymore:

"You're scare, aren't you? You're scare of it just like I am. I'm terrified about it but I can't help it. You're just stuck in my mind and it hurts me a lot being ignored by you" – she did not leave him much room for argument because she was right.

This bizarre unprofessional development in their previously platonic relationship frightened him to death. It would be so much easier if he could just really laugh her foolish crush off.

But he could not because it was not one-sided.

He was weak.

And she had no idea what she had put him through. It pained him tenfolds shunning away from her and increasing their distance. It took all of his self-control to ignore her love while they were always too close to each other being in the same team one mission after another.

Maybe he was too lonely and she was just too beautiful and passionate. He did not know but the first time when he recognized that she did not look at him as Kakashi-the teacher anymore but Kakashi-the man, something inside him stirred up and quickly spiraled out of his control.

Her simple touch on his body when she treated his wound was harmless before now burned his skin with unwanted desires. He said her crush was foolish but it was nothing compared to the fact that a thirty year old man got all worked up by a simple touch of a seventeen year old girl.

He was dirty and pathetic and this girl did not let his secretive lust die down. He wished it would just be lust. But it was not. Lust would not last this long. Lust did not create this hollowness every time she was out of sight. Lust did not sting his heart keenly anytime he had to walk away from her and he knew she would cry and her stares would burn his retreating back. Lust did not make him want to spend every waking moment to make sure that she would smile a true and happy smile.

He did not lie that there was lust somewhere along the line. He did not lie that he wanted to ravish her, eat her lips, leave hickies all over her flawless skin and make her moan his name in ecstasy over and over. But if it was just lust in the first place, there would be no self-control and self-torture as well.

Because he knew it: only love would hold lust back so that this animal instinct inside him would not ruin this fledgling enchanting creature who deserved so much more than just a scarred and broken man.

Closing his eyes tightly to retain the last remnant of his terribly weakened willpower, Kakashi's face turned heavenward for a few moments then finally his gaze settled back on her face with a feigned calmness he had been convincingly wearing for his whole life:

"I'm a man after all Sakura, and you are young and willing, it's just lust, nothing else"

Sakura went completely still after that and her wide eyes just bore into him for what seemed like eternity. The moonlight reflected the unfathomable sadness and disappointment gradually creeping out from the bottom of her mirror-like pair of eyes as if they could be shattered any moment with overflowing despair.

"Please don't cry" – He silently told himself. Because if she cried he may not be able to stop himself from rushing there and crushing her in a tight and inseparable embrace.

It was only so much that you could do to deny yourself of your true love. There were only two times in his life Kakashi would intentionally use his words to hurt someone deeply so that they could give up on him.

The first time was when he disregarded Rin's feeling because he thought of himself as worthless trash, who did not deserve her love and Obito's sacrifice.

The second time was sadly not any better. After sixteen years, he still did not think he was good enough accept the love of another girl. But if his blunt words could get rid of Sakura's silly infatuation now, even when it hurt her now, it would still worth it.

One day she would understand this was a good decision not getting together with a man like him. He would just bring her down like all the other dearest people in his life. The girl in front of him seemed to fail in the emotion-controlling struggle because when she spoke, her trembles were unmistakable:

"Liar, I know it was not just lust, I know you have feeling for me" – she ground out as her whole small frame was shaken with anger then two sparkling streams of tear smoothly rolled down her cheeks. He was losing this battle fast and hard. There was only very little he could do but he would not stop right now. He had not tried his best:

"I don't love you Sakura, and I never will"

Sakura's knees could not support her weight anymore as she crumpled down on the ground with a sound thud, face deeply burying onto her upturned palms while pink hair curtained around her hidden visage.

Her shoulders trembled with difficult throbs as hard, short sobs came out from the back of her throat jerkily. It was heartbreaking seeing her like that. He never realized how small and fragile she was.

But he had to do what he needed to do.

It was a good thing that she did not see his hand automatically shoot out trying to reach for her when she collapsed on the ground. It would just send out unwanted confusing signals from him again if she saw it. "It is all for the better" – he reminded himself again while retreating his hand back from mid-air and shove it to the bottom of his pocket. Slowly turning on his heels, Kakashi resolutely walked away:

"Goodbye, Sakura, find someone else who loves you as much as you love him"

The sobbing still followed his ears even when he already walked away from its source for a long time, as if it already embedded itself inside his subconsciousness to anguish him every waking moment. Suddenly:

"Kakashi" – a much deeper, calmer voice called out his name from behind. This voice did not sound like Sakura in the least. That made him stop and turn. Kurenai's smiling face came into view while a small flow of blood was dripping down from the corner of her scarlet lips. Her deep crimson eyes looked at him with myriads or unsaid affection as she held onto his back protectively:

"It's good that you are alright" Slowly the smile slid off Kurenai's lips and her eyelids became heavy, letting comatose engulfed her as a whole. Her body went limb on Kakashi wide-open arms while the scenery around him suddenly morphed into an unrecognizable distorted space of black and red.

With Kurenai lying still in his embrace, the sobbing in Kakashi ears just intensified tenfolds. He looked over Kurenai's shoulder, the small form of Sakura was still there, shaking and crying while darkness was slowly swallowing her…