i really don't know what im doing
the lie of the fair
qauttor: machinam
Days later
Her ambling is paused when the little one flies up.
Jesa's soundless, save her footfalls squeaking, until she comes to a complete stop in front of Amaranda. They're in the middle of the gray hallway, deserted right then, and not the safest space. Amaranda doesn't want to speak too loud but Jesamae's probably not going to say anything earth-shattering.
"Ah-mah-manda," she nods her head. She's getting better with the name. Nowhere in other's presence, granted. It's so endearing when she starts like that, waiting for her attention.
"A-huh."
"I have an idea."
"Go."
"What if we weren't here anymore?"
Amaranda needs more. She's so general, you've gotta ease out more. "What?"
"Leave. What if we left?"
And Amaranda needs to bite back her immediate, loud refusal. She's tredecim and she's starting to get a grasp of what exactly happened to Korinna when she snuck out and she's not sure if she likes it or not but it caused death so it must be bad.
But it gave her way something happened that wasn't entirely pleasant for one person and it makes it an impending no. Sursum would teach otherwise and say that it makes all the things bad but Amaranda knows better than the rest of them, that something good came out of this.
She's hit with something she thinks is emotion. All the moments of that night have a do over and it's painful to see. She can't say in words why, but maybe Jesamae could. But Jesamae wouldn't understand. This is the circle that may be Amaranda's undoing because of how hopeless it all seems.
"I don't think that's gonna work." What she wants to say is that your mother, if you can try to understand what a mother is, got hurt real bad and died because she tried to escape this fire and she had you, she had you Jesamae and it's perfect that you're here but not perfect that Korinna isn't. And that you're not understood. And that we're not understood.
These hidden words don't come out and they never will. "Why?"
"I just don't think—"
"Are you scared?" It's said with such sweetness but the unintentional sting stings something fierce. "That it won't be good?"
"I know that getting out would be good, but—" Okay. She's just dancing around the subject now. If this is what dancing is like, not really getting to the thing but trying to make it sound as pretty and soft as possible. "Jesamae, I don't—"
"How long till it all goes down?" Jesamae asks. "I don't think it's our place here."
That releases something. "Jesamae, that's the problem with you! You say these things and you don't make sense!"
And the words are already forming scars. Jesamae blank faces, but that's the worst thing Amaranda could ever feel from her, is that she doesn't accept or agree or concur with her words.
"Jesa, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said that," and she keeps her in an embrace, taking the back of her head in her hands. Jesamae rubs her nose into her stomach, wordless. "I'm so stupid. I shouldn't have said that."
"Don't," is her muffled, one worded reply, as she snuggles closer. "It's fine."
Amaranda laughs. The forgiveness for one half her age shouldn't be the most important thing in her existence but it is. "Thanks."
"But I still want to think about it," Jesa adds.
"Hey, you don't need permission from me to think anything," Amaranda said, managing to pull away un-harshly, holding her shoulders. "All they say about thinking good and pure and right…you can't always follow that."
And Amaranda knows. She's been having thoughts…It's nothing. She's fine. But sometimes how she sees some things…she knows she's getting older and that's probably normal but she's birthed some kind of rebellious mindset, silent protests, thinking whatever she wants and not caring because Sursum can't get into her thoughts. And she's gotta teach Jes the same thing, otherwise, her light will go out.
So when Jesa says this, the wheels start turning. An inkling of belief, small, but there. "Okay. I'll still think that."
She attempts. "Good. And…I'll try to think that too."
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