omg im actually very excited about this one
btw i forgot to mention: please listen to "mad world" by alex parks. i mean, majority connects, but its really making an impression on me. especially for this mc. so listen because its a really deep song and im enjoying creating my own views about it.
please pm with any questions…im trying to be clearer.
This chapter and the last chapter are rated K-plus.
the lie of the fair
quinque: flamma
They're unoccupied, sitting against the hallway doors, the older one playing with the little one's hair, strand by strand, the blonde's head on the brunette's lap.
"Have you been thinking?" Jes asks. Meaning, have you decided yet about this whole place?
Amaranda sighs. "I don't know." She stops and puts her hands across her chest and looks ahead. "I'm still looking for a reason."
Then, Akelamae's shaky voice on the announcer: "All girls please report to the meeting place. There's been some…ah…things happening. Some changes. Rules. Sursum will go over them. ...Thank you."
And the reaction of all feet shuffling toward the destination. The two girls look to each other for an answer and there is a face staring blankly back. But to avoid the stampede they figure they better move so they stand up and keep holding hands as they join in with the crowd of blurred gray.
As the room comes into view Amaranda sees Sursum and a couple of the older Fairlies standing on the higher platform near the wall. Sursum's the most stationary one up there. All of the others are shifting uneasily from side to side and this couldn't possibly be good.
Amaranda picks Jesa up, the little one's legs wrapped around Amaranda's hips. "Stay close to me," Amaranda whispers to her, not wanting anyone to get their hands on her. Jes nods, her ears ready to listen.
All murmuring is hushed and Sursum comes forward. She speaks loud enough, no projection is needed. Amaranda cringes.
"Some unneeded thoughts are being noticed," she starts. This implies all the things in the world. "This is not good. And some things need to happen in order to stop it all."
Amaranda grabs Jesa tighter. "Some new rules. Age restrictions. All Fairlies under octo and over octodecim will be moved to other barracks."
"What?" is Amaranda's lame response. She readjusts Jesa, throwing her hip up, Jesa rubbing her eyes. She might not understand yet.
"We're keeping numbers stricter," Sursum adds. "And that means some will be changed."
Amaranda feels like a number that she hasn't learned yet. Sometimes the Fairlies smuggle numbers to each other like gifts. The larger the value, the more unheard it is. And she's so heavy it's beyond that.
And the suddenness of this all? Why now? Nothing has happened. Jesa's young and there's a chance that she's saved but there's also a chance she's not.
Sursum leaves none in the dust. "There will be some people coming in. They will be looking. They are here to understand you and learn. I expect nothing questionable to come to me."
And that's all that there is on the subject. Fairlies that feel their life is dead anyway yell out why and how and is it good?
Seramarie shouts the kicker over all the madness: "Are they boys?"
Amaranda can see that this is the closest that the whole congregation will ever get to a meeting. A meeting? Congregation? What's a meeting? There's been some words, creeping insider her head, that's she's not quite grasping the meaning of. But they're new and not used and it's strange.
Sursum's eyes. "There will be men."
And the turmoil. Amaranda does not like this one bit, at all. No, it's scaring her and all these new things aren't benefitting Jesamae and that's the only person who matters right now. But the little one's thoughts must be flying on air and not in this room.
"With these changes, some of you will be required to be looked at." Whispers. "Testing you. Nothing they say will reflect on the conditions of your life here. You need to let them in. The Project needs to know you all."
That's the worse thing Sursum Annalisa could have said. All Fairlies are taught, directly or indirectly, to keep a guard up that blocks their true feelings, and masks the hurt, and what is shown is a lie, no matter how real it seems, because behind the gray faces is a dark dark inside. Their lives depend on horrible things happening, depend on pain in their hearts. And some would just rather feel the dull pulse of pain than the explosions, the fireworks of tragedies.
"They will testing the quicker aging ones first. To get a foundation for their Project."
Amaranda and Jes are quicker aging Fairlies.
"No." Amaranda says. You can't take us.
And that is all. Sursum and the others step down, and an aisle poisoned by scorns is created for them. The ones with Sursum plea with their eyes, clearly trying to get across that they were pulled into this. And choice isn't something that a Fairlie gets.
"This is not good," Jesa simply says.
"It's not," the older one responds. She needs to speak with Annalisa. Amaranda can see Amilina rubbing her own arms in front of her.
"Watch Jesamae," she plops Jes down. Amilina reaches out to say something but Amaranda's not stopping.
Sursum's almost at the exit which leads into the hallways but Amaranda taps her shoulder and the leader spins around and waves the others to move on. They shuffle their feet along, looking back uncomfortably.
She has Sursum's irritated attention. "What, Amaranda?"
"I won't have this."
The refusal screams for miles. She's said it low enough not to cause a scene but those words color the backgrounds red and Sursum is being said no to.
"That's just too bad."
"This is what you would call unfair. Locking us in, poking and prying us like we're test subjects…"
"It hasn't even happened yet. You don't know how it's all gonna go about," Annalisa sneers.
"Yes, I do. I know exactly what's gonna happen. You're stealing our lives, that's what's happening."
This has never happened before. Amaranda's never been so sure about something. It's like answers are being solved for her. It may come with age.
The scariest part is teetering at the edge. Who knows if tomorrow the world will crash and her numbers will rocket to the sky? After octodecim there seems to be some kind of unknown. Amaranda can never be secure with her life in the moment because of how easily bad things happen.
"And the age limits? What in the absolute-?"
"Girls in those ages cannot be exposed to anyone else outlying from those brackets. It's an unstable state, where they can't understand their feelings."
"It's not us that are unstable, it's you!" Amaranda feels it all falling into place. "It the fact that you can't seem to realize that we have emotions, and we can name them just fine!"
"Maybe you, Amaranda," Sursum says. "But not the others."
And that could be close to truth. Because of her push she can make it through the clouds (What are clouds?) and say, even if only partially, the why and how. But she knows that she's not the only one who's human in this building—everyone, everyone everywhere, has a need to know that the hurt does sting. Except Annalisa. She doesn't get to feel good, not in Amaranda's opinion.
And this opens up a whole new discussion…new barracks? New people? More Fairlies? Life itself has been trapped in here, her whole existence, and the idea of outside is starting to become something reachable. More people like me? The thought is gargantuan.
What is real life, anyway? Out there, when everything's left behind. Is the pain spread out? Is it the cause of advancement? Or the cause of...nothing?
Other people. They're all being separated. There's no one in the barracks that's octodecim now but there could be in the future.
"Is that what it's about?" Amaranda asks, her voice lowering. "Love?"
Annalisa is blocked.
"Are things happening in these barracks that shouldn't be? People leaving? People coming?" This is her understanding of the word.
Her face gets closer and she throws her words. "The reasons I do what I do are my reasons."
"When I fall in love with a boy, or a girl, or whoever I'm supposed to fall in love with, I'm going to be ripped from them…" And her voice is breaking, becoming flooded, but she forces it to stick together. "And I can't be a mother."
Sursum's stony faced and still. There's one good thing about Sursum and that's how she can hide what's inside. But most of her action imply that she hasn't any feelings.
"It's all black inside," Amaranda says out loud. She then continues, "It's not the rules that did that or Amari who made that happen. It was you, your ban to love!"
"I only have so much control."
"No, it's all you, because no human with their feelings in check would ever do that to someone."
"You are not human."
Amaranda shouts now. "I wasn't talking about me. You can't tell me what I am."
Why, Amaranda asks it all, shaking her head with lost tears in her eyes. What is the reason…for all of this…and how can any good come…
It's a tyranny. Amaranda is no longer a disciple of Annalisa anymore. While the rest of the Fairlies age Annalisa does too but she can slap any number to her name. They're all stuck with her.
And while Amaranda and Jes have been able to somehow resist submission into darkness, the same can't be said for all…
Amaranda can only manage one last refusal. "Because….you know what? I love someone. And maybe what I feel isn't exactly love…but it's very very close."
Amaranda doesn't stick around to see the reaction because there will be no reaction and all she's doing is spitting a never-ending chorus. Making her way to Jesa who seems no as excited as always, she wipes the tears out of her eyes and swallows.
Words are ugly. They seem to no longer carry a meaning. Trust is snapped and reduced to just something that wears when you touch it too much. She knows three faces that she could possibly trust in and one of them she's not close enough with yet and one's dead.
"Come on, baby," she says to the sleepy Jesamae, picking her up again, nodding to the helper. "Thanks, Ami."
Amilina wants to say something but it doesn't come out.
Amaranda knows what needs to happen. She feels her finger pulsing and sees her silver ring once again. She forgets about it so much because it's just always been there. Like everything else.
"This is no longer the place for us," Amaranda says to the girl on her shoulder. Jesamae nods. "It isn't safe."
Review? My feelings are out of control. TMITRJSOW.