I lived on dread; to those who know / The stimulus there is / In danger, other impetus / Is numb and vital-less

-Emily Dickinson

the lie of the fair
septum: novissime

Moments later

"No…no…"

"Amaranda, I have to take her inside."

Amaranda sees Amilina's ever-peering eyes on top of her. The pusher still hasn't let go of Jesamae, as if releasing her would murder her very memory. "Are you taking her?"

They both know who this her, a new her, is. "We'll keep Annalisa's body out here. She never has to be inside that building again."

The sound of the evil one's name makes it hurt more. Amaranda buries her head in her arms and bends over. "Oh, God…"

"Hey, Amaranda…"

"I don't want that name anymore."

"…Okay. Um…"

"I know what you're gonna say. I can't. I can't go back. I'm getting out of here."

"Please…I want you to. There's too much pain here."

"How will you handle it now?"

Amilina waits. Amaranda's a bit thrown off. All she's thought of Ami, her whole time being there, is the young girl who doesn't speak much. But it's evidently not the case and Amilina knows a lot of things. She came outside after she heard the noise and had been trying to convince Amaranda to let them take Jes inside. To proper rest. Because the child doesn't deserve to be in this now ugly alleyway. An alleyway, Amaranda gathers. Information has been sprinting to her and it couldn't be worse timing.

Ami begins. "I guess…I'll take over. It'll be nothing like it was, I promise."

"Oh, I know. I trust you." She really has no clue what to think, but anything's better than what happened before.

Ami swallows that word and sighs. "I'm so sorry this had to happen to you."

"I…I don't know how to respond to that." She sniffles.

"You don't have do. You've talked enough. …Now…"

It's another flood. Amaranda covers her mouth to stifle it. "Jesa…"

"I'll come back out and help once I get her inside with someone," Amilina says. "I know a few things about how to get out safely."

"No…" Amaranda yelps when Ami bends down to take Jesa's body. Amaranda does something to the little one's forehead that she thinks is a kiss and almost expects a smile back but there's nothing. Nothing. Just stillness. This hurts even more…

Amilina has the little one and she's going down the window's hole.

"DON'T HURT MY JESAMAE!" Amaranda screams, and she knows that she's truly gone, never to be again, she's taken every day as another day and not a day before the light's taken out of everything. And living becomes painful.

The aging never comes. She doesn't feel the expansion or the growth. And now she can see, growing up in this new world, advancement isn't dependent on anything.

And so many things reveal themselves that were never apparent when Jes was with Amaranda…Jesamae was her energy, her source, and now that she's dead Amaranda has nothing to work from.

All this time, they were trying to leave the hideousness of life. Not knowing it was so good outside. But only if for a minute. After tonight Amaranda doesn't know if anything can look beautiful, ever. Beauty, Amaranda thinks.

Jesamae got to leave. It's a horrible thought to but it's entered her brain and it's gonna haunt her forever.

And the most terrible thing, surpassing all misfortunes, is the fact that if Amaranda didn't get mad, and finalized their immediate departure…they'd still be inside the building, with no one dead. It's all her fault.

It's all because of me.

What are barracks even for? Armies. Sooner or later things were gonna get messy but Amaranda knows and she can't ignore that with time she would've thought of a better way to get out of it all.

And she can't go back.

She plops down, and with the sudden roughness of the ground several more sobs are released, and she's drowning in misery, because all of the bad things in the world have happened to her, only her, it seems, and it's. Not. Fair.

A scuff.

Amaranda looks up from her mourning and sort of becomes self-aware: There's a world out there, and she can be heard. There's a tiny figure and it's, she's, peeking from the corner of something in front of her.

At first Amaranda thinks the world's being cruel. Then she doesn't. She stays still as result of her numb being and she doesn't run away or call. She waits.

The figure steps out of the shadows and into seeing light. All Amaranda can understand is the dark, dark hair and the wandering arms and a sense of wanting out. She knows that sight.

And with this she rises to standing and tries to see farther but the girl comes to her. She's running, breathing audibly, shaking her head and the tears shine when fallen in the light. Amaranda doesn't know to pull away or not but the black-haired one runs into her arms and stays there, and hanging on tight, hanging on.

"Who…" Amaranda kinda gets out.

"I can't stay in there anymore!" the girl exclaims.

These words register with Amaranda as connected to the barracks but she doesn't know this girl and she's most definitely not normal. Amaranda doesn't know humans but of her limited knowledge she can pull out that this girl is…similar…in ways not understandable…

Her soul seizes. She feels Jesamae, all around. She feels her, but only in the air. "Let me see you, baby," she says to the girl, and manages to peel her off enough to hold her shoulders and see her face.

It's the face of an innocent, a hurt innocent. She black hair falls straight. Some type of long-sleeved top that protects her from the cold. And the so un-blue eyes…green as anything, green as Jes…

This girl is not Jes but Amaranda wants to protect her like she did.

"Don't take me back there," the little one shakes her head. "They hurt me and it's getting bad and I don't wanna be there!"

So the coming down is starting, and a whole new order is beginning. Amaranda's done her piece, she's rid of the evilest threat: limitations. And as the little one gets more upset Amaranda is the one to hold her closer and whisper gentle things and she feels almost kinda starting to become not empty.

"It'll be good…" she tells her, daring to take the little one's hair and combing it through like she's so used to and she's so relieved because the little one doesn't freeze. "I'll be with you. I'll come with you. That's what I was about to do, anyway."

She stops. "What's your name?"

"Jessica," is the answer, muffled in Amaranda's shirt.

She now knows what she has to do. Everything that happened before didn't make too much sense except for the hurt. But it doesn't mean anything now. "I'm Amanda. Can I call you Jess?"

Amanda looks out to those pretty and new stars, somehow, maybe, possibly, offering that more. "You and I will leave together. We can't be here anymore."

As 'twere a spur upon the soul, / A fear will urge it where / To go without the spectre's aid / Were challenging despair