AN: Today I offer you comic relief, especially after the last two chapters. If anything seems weird about this chapter, blame the beach. While my face did its best impression of Larry the Lobster, my brain created this for you. All errors are the fault of my phone since I was too eager to post and didn't wait to fix it on a proper computer.
Sam stared in anger at the arguing angels. If he wasn't so aggravated he would be breathless in laughter. Short and stocky Gabriel was red in the face on his tip-toes screaming at tall and lanky Balthazar who was looking down at the archangel with annoyance and amusement. They had been at each other's throats for well over an hour. The fight started because Balthazar had taken his time answering Gabriel's call, not appearing for a full three hours after the summoning. It continued because Balthazar completely blamed Gabriel for Castiel's "predicament" as he put it. At this point, Sam wasn't even sure what they were arguing about. It seemed to be about a course of action, but blame and old scores were still being thrown around. Finally, the man had enough. He forced his way between the two angels and tried to force each of them back with a hand to the chest, but they were as solid as brick walls. When they realized he was there, they quieted down and turned their disgusted expressions on him.
"Before the two of you kill each other with your fierce words and toddler attitudes alone," Sam's voice was even, but his face was pure determined rage, "can we save Dean and Cas?"
Gabriel pivoted on his toes and once again paced the room. Sam had given up telling him to stop. Balthazar plopped gracefully onto the nearest bed, folding his legs and resting his chin on his hands. He kept his eyes trained on the archangel. The cease-fire could at least be heard, even if the tension still required a cerated knife.
"Now," Sam began, his voice dangerously calm. "Where the hell have you been?" he hollered. Someone in the next room banged hard on the wall and shouted something about decency. Sam rolled his eyes and continued, though in a lower voice. "Gabriel disappears for two days and comes back with one of the sketchiest angels we know, the water turns into blood during my shower - which Balthazar magically fixes - there are frogs all over the damn place, and Cas and Dean are completely off the grid. Will one of you explain anything to me?" As if to agree, a frog hopped on the bed and ribbet'd loudly.
"How many times do I have to say sorry, Sammich?" Gabriel groaned in exasperation. "I went out to think."
"And disappeared for an entire day!"
Gabriel clutched his back and made a face of discomfort. "Don't get old, Sammy," he said, rubbing his temple, "at my age, the wheels don't turn as fast."
"Your wheels never turned slowly," Balthazar scoffed under his breath.
"Oh, and yours turn at all, Mr. Steal-Heaven's-Arsenal-And-Walk-Out-The-Front-Door ?" Gabriel retorted, straightening into an indignant stance.
"There's no need to be jealous now, you strapping messenger you."
"Excuse you, thief, but I am not jealous. That was the stupidest thing anyone up there has ever done, and-"
"And it was the largest heist, and you wanted in," Balthazar finished smugly. His wide innocent eyes bore into Gabriel's.
Gabriel was ready to reply, but Sam cut in, "You are both two-year-olds, I swear to God. You're worse than Dean! Now, shut up, buck up, and one of you explain to me why the hell there is a frog in my hair!"
The angels turned to look at him and burst into hysterics. There was indeed a frog hanging onto Sam's luscious hair. It looked like it had slid off the man's head but gotten stuck. There was also a frog on his shoulder and three on his duffle. Balthazar had several around him on the bed, one on his shoulder, and one on his knees, but he seemed to not notice. None of the frogs were near Gabriel since he was shooting them with little pebbles and a sling shot every time they approached him. The bathroom, as the nearest water source, was overrun by frogs, and the main floor was littered with them.
After a long string of choice words and a lot of hair-whipping, the frog and a large chunk of brown locks sailed across the room into Gabriel's face. Balthazar laughed even harder as Sam caressed the back of his head and Gabriel screamed about slime and filth.
"You act like you've never seen a plague before, Gabriel!" the lower-ranked angel laughed, clutching his side. "I take it all back - you're hysterical!"
Sam's head left his hands in less than a second. "Plague?" he asked excitedly.
"Well, yes," Balthazar confirmed with an eye roll, "and our boy here announced the last one like this; don't let the Bible fool you."
"And when was that?" Sam asked, too excited about finally getting answers to think himself.
While still shooting daggers at Balthazar with his eyes, Gabriel mocked, "Why just last month or don't you remember, Samsquatch?"
Sam pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, telling himself that it was five o'clock somewhere. As he opened his computer, he practically shouted, "Egypt!"
"Golly gee, Balthy," Gabriel exclaimed, "tell him what he's won!"
"Please let it be an angel blade," Sam breathed.
"So homicidal, Sammy," Gabriel remarked. "I truly bring the best out of you, don't I?"
Sam fought the urge to break the archangel's nose. Instead, he opened the internet and started a new search.
"Yes, Egypt," Balthazar sighed. "God sent the last frog plague to punish those lazy asses. Honestly, I think it was more out of jealousy than caring for his people, but that's between us," he added using a hand to hide his words from Gabriel.
The archangel looked ready to scream again, so Sam pressed on: "And the water to blood..."
"Is plague numero uno," Balthazar completed his sentence.
"Frogs are number two, so number three is... Locusts?"
"Ahh, close, but it's actually lice. Locusts are later," Balthazar corrected in a matter-of-fact tone.
"Okay, but why is God rehashing the plagues now? I know humanity sucks, but we can't deserve this," Sam thought aloud.
"Sam, you don't really think this is God, do you?" Gabriel asked with a heavily judgmental look that questioned Sam's sanity.
"You think Beelzebub is doing this?" the man asked quickly.
"With Cassie's help he can probably pull off any destructive act in the Bible," Balthazar said thoughtfully. "Well, at least anything without specific players. I mean, he can't reenact Michael and Lucifer's fight, for example. Though, he could cast Castiel into Hell to join those two by the end of all this."
"Well, that's just wonderful," Sam stuttered sarcastically. "How do we stop them?"
"Stop them? Are you insane?" Balthazar asked.
For once, Gabriel agreed with his brother. "Sam, that'll be like stopping the apocalypse. There are ten plagues! He'll probably do them in order, yeah, but we need to be in the same place at the same time with the right equipment. We don't know where they are now or if they stay there to wreak havoc. They could be flying to the friggin' North Pole for all we know!"
"Besides that, I think I'll state the obvious," Balthazar added. "It's bloody dangerous! Once a plague is started, it doesn't stop. And you do not get in between a plague and it's creator. That's like jumping into a lake as it's struck by lightning!"
"Then what can we do?" Sam asked, with a heavy groan of frustration.
"Clean up," Balthazar stated grimly.
"'Clean up'?" Sam repeated, doing his best to reign in his anger. "How the hell are we supposed to accomplish that? Does your angel mojo have a frog-catching feature?"
"I don't know, Samantha, I think I missed that update," Gabriel mocked. "I'll go check my archives." He smited a frog that hopped too close to him.
Sam's expression grew exasperated, and he groaned again. Gabriel tried to continue but a sudden thought struck Sam, and practically screamed, "How are we supposed to 'clean up' after the Angel of Death? He's the last plague, isn't he?"
The people next door pounded on the wall again. Balthazar rolled his eyes and compared the situation to an old, over-dramatic movie that made him want to retch. Gabriel hung his head and took a deep breath. He fixed Sam with a glare until the man calmed down.
"Oh, Sammy, put the bitchface away. Look, I have an idea, alright? Just hear me out. I spent a whole day thinking about it, remember?"
"What?" Sam snapped. He tried to look at Gabriel with pure hatred but interest and relief mingled there, too.
"This one," he jerked his thumb violently toward Balthazar, "needs to tell us where his stash is. There are weapons that can help us clean up each mess. Also, I know a way to bind the Angel of Death, but I need something he stole to do it."
"No," Balthazar refused quickly and simply.
"Are you kidding me?" Gabriel shouted. "So you're just going to let the world burn because you're afraid of an archangel?" In his anger, his eyes flared and several frogs died mysteriously.
"Who says I'm afraid you?" Balthazar scoffed.
"Raphael," Gabriel corrected angrily. Another frog was smote.
"Oh, yeah, him. I'd rather not get on his bad side, you know? Besides, who said I'm working for you two? I was summoned here against my will, and you haven't let me leave yet. Doesn't mean I'm with you in this."
"Seriously? You could honestly do that?" Sam asked wearily, looking up again.
"Do what?" Balthazar asked with wide eyes.
"Not help," Sam clarified, standing up to give his words more power. "Just sit back and watch as one of your brothers - a friend actually, as Cas considers you - is forced to destroy his home? I mean, if it was just Dean in this then fine. I'd wouldn't force you. But this is Castiel! The guy thinks you're his friend! You owe it to him to help. If I've heard the story right, you're in his debt."
The room was silent. Balthazar looked like he had been slapped. Sam turned back to his laptop, trying hard to conceal his smirk as he counted his victory. Gabriel's head swung back and forth between the two of them, enjoying the show. It was a short time before Gabriel spoke again to explain the rest of his half-formed plan.
He needed the Staff of Moses and the blood of a lamb, but, of course, there were specificities. The binding required the hooked head of the staff and the blood of only an Egyptian lamb. To perform the binding, Sam - because apparently there was fine print against angels - would have to put the lamb blood on his front door, say a paragraph of Enochian, and hook the Angel of Death with the staff before he flew away. To Sam, it didn't even sound simple. Gabriel rattled it off as if it was third grade math, and Balthazar nodded, adding small details. Sam just shook his head wearily - at least he as getting useful information now.
"Okay, so, let's do it then," Sam said after a pause. "Where's the staff? And how are we getting the blood?"
Sam looked to Gabriel earnestly. Gabriel looked at Balthazar pointedly. Balthazar looked at his feet sheepishly.
"Alright," he said finally, feeling the pressure of two pairs of eyes on him, "I'll get you the staff." He stood and glared at Gabriel, but neither the archangel or the man could take the dramatic action seriously as they watched frogs roll off of him. "But I'm going alone and coming back with it tomorrow. I'll get something for the frogs, too, and send it to you via the pony express." He turned to fly away but stopped to look at Sam one more time. "And before you get any ideas about putting me on speed-dial know that I am not the Giles to your Buffy. This is a one time offer. I'm doing this for Castiel and Castiel only."
Then he was gone. Sam turned to Gabriel looking nervous. The archangel waved him off.
"Oh, come on, Sammy, don't tell me that whole show was just bravado!" Gabriel laughed. When Sam didn't join in he added, "Sam, if you didn't stand up to him like that, he definitely would not have helped us. You did good kid."
"Right," Sam sighed. He sat down with his computer again and renewed his search on frogs, looking for absolutely anything that would get rid of the huge swarm of them.
"So!" Gabriel clapped his hands and looked around, his lip curling at all the frogs. "Now that we have a plan of sorts, and we're waiting on that sleazebag of an angel, the two of us should go celebrate."
"What?" Sam asked, confused by the sudden and complete change of thought. "Gabriel, we have work to do!"
"Oh, come on! You promised me dessert, remember?" the age-old archangel whined.
"Well, yeah, b-"
"Exactly!" Gabriel beamed, interrupting Sam before he could voice a counter-argument. "Come on, I know a great place in Sammamish."
"Sammamish? Isn't that... But, Gabe, we're nowhere near Washington!" Sam protested weakly.
"Who cares? Hey, Sammykins treating me to dessert Sammamish. Now, that's priceless."
Sam grumbled but consented. Before he knew what was happening, Gabriel was holding his elbow in the back parking lot of an ice cream shop. Once Sam's queasiness passed, he followed Gabriel around the building to the front door. The archangel was practically running, his gait caught between a jog and a skip. Sam easily kept a brisk pace beside him, trying to ignore the obvious awkwardness of the situation. A homely-looking young waitress led them to a table next to the kitchen. Sam's legs bounced restlessly beneath it while Gabriel acted as if nothing odd was happening at all. A few minutes later, Gabriel ordered a burger, a fancy salad, two sodas, and one huge plate of fries and onion rings, not letting Sam get a word in. When the food came, Sam was hesitant.
"Oh, please, Sam," Gabriel sighed in frustration, picking up his burger. "I haven't done anything to it. Stop imagining all the different tricks I could've done because as fun as that would be, I'm not in the mood. All I want to do is enjoy a meal with a person I am considering about considering a friend." He took a bite of his food as if to end the discussion. Sam took a small forkful of his salad and was amazed by how good it was.
"So," he said after a while. "How've you been?"
"Alright," Gabriel said while chewing. "You?"
"Alright," Sam returned. Another silence. "So, why aren't you and Balthazar friends? I kinda always thought you would be."
"Me be friends with that dick?" Gabriel barked laugh. "No, thank you."
Sam took a sip of his drink and waited, but Gabriel did not elaborate. "How was it returning to Heaven after so long?" the man finally asked.
"Well," Gabriel replied slowly, taking a long drink, "prison didn't exactly do wonders for my complexion."
Sam rolled his eyes. "Gabe-"
"Hey, you asked!" Gabriel said, raising an eyebrow.
"But that's not what I-" Sam tried to explain to himself.
"Bullcrap, Sam. Yes, it is."
Sam stopped, defeated, and returned his attention to his food.
"Castiel tried to get me to talk, too. I don't want to," Gabriel stated firmly. "Don't try to be a psychiatrist. Don't try to make me." Sam agreed quietly and apologized, but Gabriel kept talking. "If I shared the horrors Michael put me through, you would need a psychiatrist, too. Besides, the point of this little outing was therapy in my own way."
Sam nodded again and took another drink. The man tried to ease the tension by sharing a few stories of his and Dean's hunting trips. Gabriel was constantly laughing at how much more difficult the boys made the jobs when they could've been simple kills. Sam filed away every tip Gabriel shared for future use and asked about every job Gabriel let slip that he had done. Apparently, the trickster had done more than set up college students with aliens while on his own for so long. When the waitress came back to clear the plates, Gabriel did not let Sam order his own ice cream either. At some point unbeknownst to Sam, the awkward situation had become a comfortable meal between friends. Sam paid for everything, and the two left the shop smiling. Of course, the awkwardness returned when Gabriel flew them to a strip club next; but Sam let him have his fun for a while and decided that indulging a little himself wouldn't be such a horrible thing, especially with the coming plagues and stress.
The archangel and the man finally returned to the motel room at half past three in the morning. They found a wrapped package on the bed but no frogs, which sobered Sam almost instantly. Gabriel pushed him back onto the bed and insisted he sleep while Gabriel took care of the rest of the frogs. The last thing Sam remembered was making Gabriel promise not to disappear for an entire day again.
AN2: Just a disclaimer - I only ship Sam and Gabriel as friends and absolutely nothing more. Destiel is definitely coming though.
AN3: Oh, one more thing - I don't know that many old movies, so if anyone wants to send me ideas and hypothetical situations and such for Balthazar's character, I'd really appreciate it. Also, thank you to my few reviewers. I love feedback!