Thank you all for reviewing- glad you stuck with me through my unannounced hiatus :) And, yay! 100 reviews! Also, finally finished separating out the scattered files into chapters- there will be thirty chapters, and by the end, there WILL be more than just friendship between these two :)

So... Enjoy!

Iruka flinched when a voice pulled him out of his sleep.

"Sorry… forgive me… so sorry…"

The teacher sat up on his futon, rubbing his eyes as he turned towards his bed. It was the fourth time that night Kakashi had woken him up, but another look at the jounin had him back on his feet. Kakashi's fever was raging again; the man was clearly sweating, silver hair damp on his forehead and rest uneasy through the heat.

Iruka pulled himself upright and immersed a washcloth in the bowl of ice water on the bedside table. Kakashi had been here for three days, and Karena had told him to expect a fever for the first five. A side-effect of the many medications, apparently. Ever since then, Kakashi hadn't been very coherent- given how terrible the man had managed to make him feel that first day, Iruka wasn't sure if this was good or bad.

An unfortunate result of the fever, though, were constant nightmares. And through these nightmares were constant apologies. Apologies to anything and everyone, but most to his old team- apologizing for failing them, for killing, for what he had become… and Iruka could do nothing but let soothing platitudes fall on deaf ears.

He knelt by Kakashi's side once again, wringing out the dripping rag before draping it tenderly across the man's forehead. Kakashi twitched and groaned, and Iruka quietly shushed him, eyes narrow in concern. "It's okay, Kakashi. Just relax. Shh…"

Eyes moved under fevered lids, and his bare lips opened in a soundless whisper. He wheezed and gasped and finally managed, "Dead… sorry… killed her. I'm sorry."

"Just stay calm, Kakashi," he murmured, voice increasingly strained. "Please just relax. It's going to be all right, but you have to relax."

"S-Sensei… don't be- I'm sorry… disappointed in me… Mistake… Obito, no, please- don't take it back, I- graaagh!" Kakashi cut himself off sharply with a loud cry of pain, and Iruka shushed him again, ignoring how his gut clenched at the obvious agony.

"Shh… it's okay, it's okay… please just stay calm…"

"Forgive me."

Iruka swallowed dryly and tucked the blanket more securely around him. "I forgive you, Kakashi. Now get some rest."

Kakashi's lips moved soundlessly again before he stilled, relaxing as he slipped back into full unconscious.

Iruka trembled for a quick moment, then turned away from the ailing shinobi's bedside. He sat by Kakashi's head, then cautiously returned to the file dropped off by a surly ANBU earlier that night. He had decided to wait and read it when he was wide awake- but, well, he wasn't getting back to sleep now. He had to wait until Kakashi's fever dropped again to go back to sleep, at any rate, and this file was sure to keep him awake. Awake and horrified, that was.

It was a file detailing Kakashi's breaks. Given to him so he would know what was coming and, hopefully, how to help.

Hatake's first break: age eight. Rank: chuunin.

Circumstances: Thirty-two days after his father's suicide, and his third mission since the incident. It was unsure what about the mission triggered him.

Break details: Returned from mission with minor injuries but refused to go to the hospital or leave his anchor's presence. A medic was forced to go to his anchor's residence and treat him there. Hatake arrived on his doorstep confused and disoriented, primarily unresponsive. Time confusion was evident but not serious; was aware that his father was dead, but not consciously, and seemed to want him. Guilt was present, along with constant apologies. Did not complain about being confined to the house without missions or training, in contrast to his character. Breaks with reality, aggressiveness, and violence were not evident. Break lasted eight days before Hatake exhibited normal signs of behavior.

Other relevant details: As village was in an A state of emergency at this time, when Hatake passed a standard emergency psychological evaluation, he was allowed back on active status with no restrictions or supervision. His anchor was Namikaze Minato- his genin team sensei, whom Kakashi was previously not close to. Further investigation into the situation was not done.

Hatake's second break: age 13. Rank: jounin.

Circumstances: One week after his genin teammates Nohara Rin's death- also the day after her funeral.

Break details: Hatake regained consciousness for the first time after Rin's death a day before her funeral. He had been hospitalized due to severe Chakra exhaustion. He snuck out of the hospital for her funeral, then went to the memorial stone afterwards, and passed out shortly after. Namikaze Minato, who had followed him, took him to his own home. It is assumed he lost consciousness due to a combination of his severely weakened condition and the poor weather. Kakashi remained at Minato-sama's residence for three days, exhibiting signs similar to the first break. In particular, constant guilt and apologizing, confusion, obsessions with the dead- in this particular instance, his dead teammate Uchiha Obito- restless sleep, no aggressiveness, violence, or aggravation about confinement to the house and no missions or training. In the middle of the third day, Kakashi caught sight of an ANBU, there to deliver a message to Minato-sama. All symptoms disappeared the same day. He snuck past Minato-sama and went to ask the Hokage if he would consider nominating him for ANBU.

Note: This is considered an interrupted break. Liable to worsen breaks in the future.

Other relevant details: Minato-sama vehemently opposed Kakashi's nomination to ANBU, which drove a wedge between the two. Kakashi was accepted into ANBU with light reservations on the commander's part, which physically manifested themselves in a temporary warning sticker on his file. While he used the same anchor as his first break, concern has been noted now that their relationship is now strained.

Hatake's third break: age 14. Rank: ANBU.

Circumstances: Kyuubi attack, Yondaime-sama's death

Break details: unknown. Hatake reported for ANBU headcount the day after the attack, then disappeared. Thirty-four days later, Hatake reported back, along with Jiraiya-sama. All that is known is that Jiraiya-sama encountered him a week before the end of his break, informed the Hokage as to the situation, then returned to Kakashi.

Other relevant details: second break in less than one year. Concern would have been note, but due to increased need for shinobi, there was no further investigation. Anchor is unknown- likely no one, but as his previous is dead, it should be assumed that Jiraiya-sama is his current anchor.

Overall summary: Hatake has not experienced any breaks since his third, which was six months after joining ANBU. This means he has lasted ten years in ANBU without once breaking- this is an extreme rarity, and considering his second break was interrupted, a severe cause for concern. Fourth break will likely take him out of ANBU. He also has no available anchor for future breaks, though his ANBU team is a new possibility. General break pattern is as follows: confusion and disorientation, long periods of sleep, preoccupation with the dead, decreased awareness, and no aggravation about forced inaction. Regression is a possibility, but unknown, as the symptom would have been unnoticeable due to his age during the first break, he was primarily unconscious for the second, and no details are known for his third.

Iruka shut the file with shaking hands and dropped one to be entwined with Kakashi's.

This was so out of his realm he didn't even know where to begin. He was a teacher of children. He dealt with eight year olds, he worked with children crying when their parents were fighting, he comforted kids who were upset when they weren't asked to play. Not- not this. Not a man who had broken by the time most were entering the Academy, not a soldier who had killed, not someone who had lost everything and clung to sanity on the shaky bridges constructed by Hound's horrific persona that collapsed when he broke. Kakashi was truly terrified he was a monster- and based off that file, Iruka could understand why.

But he wasn't a monster, and that frustrated Iruka to no end. It wasn't as if he enjoyed killing. It wasn't as if he liked to come back covered in blood that wasn't his and the feel of someone's heart in his hand. Kakashi was actually scared of Hound and what he could accomplish. He was scared of being able to kill him. He hated how easy it was to kill.

And that was why he was where he was now. He had killed so many on his last mission, so many, and he hadn't been able to handle it. Except Iruka had no idea how to help him, either. He had killed before, of course- but never like Kakashi had done.

No- what Hound had done.

Why on earth had Kakashi come to him? He did not know what to do! He felt like one of his own students, playing with oversized kunai clasped in clumsy fingers, with no idea what he was doing.

Iruka lightly wound his fingers around Kakashi's and squeezed. "Kakashi… you shouldn't have come to me. I'm really sorry, but I don't know how to help you. I'll try my best but I'm worried I'll let you down… I wish Minato-sama was still alive. It seems like he was really good for you. Me? I'm just… I'm just a teacher. I want to help you but I don't know how."

Kakashi's hand twitched within his own, and then the man suddenly curled on his side, pressing his head against Iruka's thigh. He stiffened in surprise but his unconscious friend just sighed, one shaking hand coming to drape tiredly over his legs and squeeze him lightly, like he was an oversized teddy bear and Kakashi wanted to cuddle.

Iruka's smile faded, though, when Kakashi's bare lips moved in a whisper. "…Tou-san…" His mouth rearranged itself in a contented smile and he happily buried his head into Iruka's leg.

The longing in that tiny whisper when straight to Iruka's heart. He stared, then bit down on his lower lip and cautiously lowered one shaking hand to rest in the silver fluff, all that was visible of the ANBU's head.

Iruka could count on the fingers of one hand how many times children had fallen asleep against him like this. Always the affection-starved ones from bad homes, who ate lunch alone and would go home by themselves, no parents there to walk with them. It was painfully sad, to see Kakashi curled around him in sleep. The sight did things to his heart and he found himself wanting to hold him here and never let him take another mission again.

Instead, Iruka just smiled. "Okay, okay, I get it, Kakashi. You came to me because you think I can help. …Well, I'll try, Kakashi. I'll try."

Kakashi's fever lasted for a total of five days. Those were five days when Iruka didn't dare leave his room, too worried about what might happen to the man in his absence. He'd already had to hold him back from getting out of bed- twice- and tried to comfort a delirious and confused Kakashi several times a day. It rarely worked.

But it was on the fifth day, when Karena told him he had passed through the fever, that he finally allowed himself the luxury of a hot shower. Five long days of tending to a sick, broken man had taken its toll, and he needed the time to himself to not just lose his mind. The shower refreshed him, even though he spent most of the time sitting against the wall with his head in his hands. He wasn't frustrated at Kakashi, he was frustrated with the ANBU and himself and- just everything but Kakashi. He couldn't bring himself to feel angry at him, not when he remembered the nearly heartbreaking innocence of his few breaks into consciousness, the happy way his eye smiled, the way he managed to sound like a child in the body of an adult.

Sometimes, he hated the things Kakashi managed to do to his heart.

When Iruka hesitantly emerged from his bathroom, dripping towel tied around his waist and intent on checking on Kakashi before returning to get dressed and comb his hair, he found himself in for a surprise. And not a very good one, either.

Kakashi had somehow managed to get out of bed when he wasn't even supposed to be strong enough to walk. The man was sitting against the wall, knees pulled up to his chest, head resting on his arms. His gaze was empty and vacant, lips moving soundlessly. Iruka stared at his lost expression, then hesitantly took a few small steps into his bedroom. "Kakashi?" he called softly.

There was no response.

Steeling himself, Iruka knelt and slowly, carefully, reached out to touch his hand. Kakashi didn't flinch, didn't twitch- didn't even give any indication that he recognized Iruka's presence. He slowly wrapped his fingers around Kakashi's bandaged ones, squeezing lightly when there was still no reaction. "Kakashi? Can you hear me?"

The silver-haired ninja blinked, slowly, then kept his red eye closed while his grey one wandered up to meet Iruka's. The teacher nodded in encouragement, stroking the palm of his hand and hoping to somehow reach him.

It took a minute or so before Kakashi tried to speak, before the lost, dazed look in his eye turned into something like recognition. It took him a few seconds more to find his voice before he finally managed a gravelly, "I want Sensei."

His voice wasn't pained or filled with longing, but it still hurt to hear, all the same. Iruka swallowed the lump in his throat and squeezed his hand. "…He can't come right now, Kakashi. I'm sorry."

Kakashi sighed sadly. "I know he can't come. He's dead. But I still want him. …No. I'm sorry. I don't. He'd be mad at me."

Keeping a tight hold on his hand, Iruka raised his other one to push back Kakashi's hair. "Why would he be mad at you?" he asked carefully, gently, and his friend shivered.

"…I'm a disappointment. I didn't do what he would have wanted me to. I killed that girl… he would've hated me for that." Kakashi shifted so his face was hidden from view by the cast on his arm and shivered again. "Just like I took his team away from them. He really loved them, you know, and I just…" His voice rose in pitch until it cracked and the man fell silent, trembling beneath Iruka's hands.

The teacher found himself struggling to suppress his own emotions. He took in a shaky breath, then shifted so he was sitting next to Kakashi, and gently wrapped an arm around his shaking shoulders and rested a hand on top of his downturned head. "I don't think Minato-sama would hate you," he murmured, tracing his thumb through strands of silver. He didn't know very much about Kakashi's old genin team, just that his sensei had been Yondaime Hokage, his Sharingan eye came from one of his teammates, and that those three were primarily responsible for Kakashi's broken state of life now.

He also knew how much Kakashi loved and looked up to those three, and that they were the ones he spent hours talking to every morning.

"I let him down," Kakashi whispered. "I… I let him down."

Iruka shook his head weakly. "No, you didn't. I don't know much about him, but he loved this village, and you try to protect it. How do you think you let him down?"

Kakashi whimpered into his hands, body still shaking, from what, Iruka couldn't tell. "I… the things I've done… I'm a monster. And Sensei would never- he wouldn't forgive me for what I've done. I want to him to forgive me, but- he never would. Not after what I've done. To him and to others… I'm really sorry. I wish he wouldn't hate me, Iruka, but I let him down and killed his team and I did horrible things that he never would have, I let them make me into a monster without-"

"Enough." Iruka's voice was firm yet gentle and he lightly ran his fingers through Kakashi's hair again, his head still lying in his arms, face hidden from view. "Enough, Kakashi. You are not a monster."

Kakashi trembled underneath his hands. He seemed like he wanted to say something, but wasn't sure what, and Iruka took advantage of his silence.

"I don't want to hear you talking like that again. I know you did some awful things on that missions, but not because you wanted to."

"But I didn't even think about it," he whispered. "I killed them all without even thinking about it. I just killed her. She's dead, like Rin. She's dead, and I…"

"Shh," Iruka murmured. He leaned his head gently against Kakashi's arm and didn't say anything else, just hoping he was offering comfort, if nothing else. He waited until his friend's tremors had eased, at least somewhat, then squeezed his hand again and forced himself to smile. "Come on. You're not supposed to be out of bed."

Kakashi allowed himself to be helped to his feet, and he leaned against Iruka as the pair walked back to bed. He had to wonder how Kakashi had even made it to the wall in the first place, but that was neither here nor there. The man had a way of defying expectations and performing the impossible, after all.

Kakasthi turned onto his side and clung to Iruka's hand, even though he hadn't been planning on moving. Shaking fingers clamped tightly around his wrist, burned and frostbitten hands clutching over his arm. "Please stay, Iruka," he whispered, eyes already closed. "It feels a little better when you're here. The memories aren't as vivid. They don't hurt as much."

Iruka actually winced. Kakashi probably didn't realize how much it hurt for him to see his friend like this, but it did. He slid down a little and gently squeezed Kakashi's fingers, allowing the man to hang onto him. "I'll stay, Kakashi. I'll stay."

"Good." Put at ease, Kakashi relaxed, closing his eyes fully and smiling. Iruka blinked, then just smiled himself and leaned back. Getting dressed would have to wait.