Thank you for reviewing!
Kakashi was sprawled bonelessly on Iruka's couch, Icha Icha lying over his face on top of his mask. He wasn't really reading so much as staring at it, blinking lazily at the words as he transitioned between morning nap and Icha Icha reading time. Iruka was sitting across from him, up to his elbows in lesson plans for his substitute, the scratching of the pen the only break in the silence.
That, and the blindingly obvious fluctuating waves of Chakra from outside, were the only things intruding on Kakashi's sleep-preparedness-time.
Kakashi glanced over the edge of his book with one eye towards the window, watching it doubtfully. He couldn't imagine any of his enemies being so stupid; after all, his enemies weren't dead for a reason. But who else would have any reason to spy on them? ANBU wouldn't announce their presence so freely, but the Chakra was too developed to belong to any of Iruka's strange pre-nin students.
Whatever was going on, his instincts said it wasn't good.
He idly turned another page.
Three signatures... all developed past pre-nin stages. Not strong enough to be jounin or ANBU. They don't seem particularly hostile, but they could only be here to gather information.
Information for what, though?
Kakashi licked his dry lips beneath his mask and shifted uneasily. He hadn't felt this sharp, prickling sense of paranoia since ANBU. Being spied on wasn't something anybody enjoyed, but like this... it was clearly an enemy. From who, for what purpose- that wasn't hard to guess. He had enemies from every hidden village under the sun, and none of them would be particularly content to just look and not touch.
Kakashi looked at Iruka, still blissfully submersed in his work, totally ignorant of the impending danger. His heart beat faster, fingers curling tighter around the edge of his book. He'll be killed if they attack now. If whoever this is attacks now, he'll be dead.
I have to get him out of here!
His hands shook intrinsically, heart pounding, head spinning. The idea that Iruka was here, Iruka was about to be hurt (because of him)- no! He couldn't let this happen. He could not let the enemy get to Iruka. It didn't matter what happened after that; he just had to get Iruka out of here, right here, right now.
He couldn't help but picture Iruka in that fight, picture him back with Taiyo and the others, all the enemies who'd spare nothing in a fight and would kill him before he could think, his Iruka, trapped in fierce battle with cold, masked soldiers who wouldn't hesitate to chop his head off-
And he was back there again, fighting Taiyo, killing that girl, killing them all, and Iruka was there with him, and that only made it so much worse-
Iruka!
Kakahsi's heart sped up even faster when he felt the Chakra signatures sharpen and focus, whoever they belonged to about to take action. He concentrated, feeling out for them until they shifted from stillness to movement, planning to fighting.
IRUKA!
Without one single thought, Kakashi had thrown himself up off the couch and crashed into Iruka, forcing him down to the ground and leaning protectively on top of him. "Get down!" he gasped, planting one arm across Iruka's chest to keep him on the floor, holding a kunai out with another as his single eye roved about the apartment, searching for the danger.
They are not going to touch you. I will kill them before they ever even try.
There was a thump from the bedroom, coupled with an almost simultaneous thump from in here and the creak of the door opening. Kakashi twisted to bring Iruka into a corner, guarding him from the front, watching as the two shinobi who'd entered this room from the outside turned as well, armed and ready to fight, and the third ran in from the bedroom.
They stopped dead.
Kakashi ignored the sudden lack of movement, because he'd already thrown the kunai towards the one at the door to free his hands, and was now bringing them together for a jutsu. If he moved fast, then they wouldn't get to touch Iruka; he could get them out of here before the man got hurt. He had to; there was no other option. Kakashi's fingers blurred through the jutsu seals and he was already opening his mouth to suck in a breath that would be breathed out as fire when Iruka spoke up from behind him.
"Just what the hell are you doing?! Izumo! Kotetsu! Mizuki! What is wrong with you?!"
Izumo? Kotetsu? Mizuki?
Kakashi blinked.
Yep, it was Izumo, Kotetsu, and Mizuki.
He shook his head, trying to clear the paranoid haze that had descended on him, eye still darting about the room, trying to assure himself that it really was no dangerous mission, that Iruka was okay, not in danger, safe- that it was just those three doing... what on earth were they doing, anyway?
Izumo stood by the window, Kotetsu having come in through the bedroom, and Mizuki was by the door, clutching his arm, the kunai imbedded into the wall behind him. The silver-haired chuunin looked both surprised and irate, while the other odd pair were both staring openly at him, mouths agape and eyes wide.
Iruka got to his feet, moving around Kakashi and planting his hands on his hips, turning between his three friends in disbelief and annoyance. "Well?!" he demanded. "Is there any particular reason you decided to break into my apartment?! Mizuki! Kakashi could've killed you, you know!"
Kakashi's eye went to the wound in Mizuki's arm. It was a graze, a bloody scratch, that was all- but he had aimed it at his heart.
Iruka was right. He could have killed him.
He self-consciously pulled his hands apart, feeling the Chakra curled in his lungs dispel, the fiery breath cooling to a normal one.
I could have killed him.
I could have...
Oh, god.
Kakashi stood himself, hands curled by his sides, teeth biting firmly into his lip. The three chuunin across from him were staring at him like- well, he'd just off and attacked them for no reason- while Iruka stood in front of him, still waiting for an explanation. "Well?!" he demanded hotly when there was none forthcoming, and, finally, Izumo spoke up meekly.
"We were... worried..."
"Worried?!" Iruka exploded. "You just broke into my house! Scared us both half to death, nearly got yourselves killed, and you just say that you were worried?! Explain yourselves now!"
"We didn't know he would be here!" Kotetsu cried, gesturing at the still frozen Kakashi. "We just hadn't seen you in a month, and all anybody would tell us was that you'd got some form of plague or sickness or whatever on your last mission and it was really contagious, so you had to stay home until you got over it, but we knew that wasn't true because we checked, and you haven't been on a mission in four months!"
"We knew something was going on and wanted to find out what, and then we decided to just come here and see, because there had to be a reason they didn't want us coming here and so we came, bu-"
"We decided to come here, yeah, but then, we figured out that we couldn't just come and knock on the door because if something was wrong that wouldn't work, and so, then, we had to break in- and, then, uh..."
Iruka folded his arms and glared around at all three of them. He shook his head slightly, shoulders trembling in anger. "You three... this is what as known as jumping to conclusions. There was nothing wrong! I've just been- ...I've been taking care of some personal matters, and Sandaime just put the word out that I was sick to discourage any attempts to visit me, and, and- which you would have known if you weren't such idiots! You could've just-"
Kakashi would've been a little interested to find out just what those three could have done besides this- and nothing, of course- but he never did. Because, at that moment, Mizuki heaved once, twice, then threw up all over the floor.
The others were left in the dark, stunned and wary, but Kakashi understood immediately.
That was one of my personal kunai I threw.
Those are all poisoned.
He shifted uneasily, watching as the sick and shocked chuunin sank to his knees, trembling, eyes wide and an arm clutched around his stomach.
What have I done?
I hurt someone again.
First Iruka... now Mizuki... I did it again. I hurt someone again.
The other three chuunin approached Mizuki while Kakashi stayed where he was, still and horrified, Iruka somewhat concerned, the other two appearing exasperated.
"What the hell, Mizuki, why are-"
"I felt fine!" the chuunin gasped, running a shaking hand across his mouth. "I... I felt fine before all of this- I don't know why I just-"
"Poison."
The others all turned to look at Kakashi at his abrupt interruption, varying degrees of confusion, surprise, and unease clear in their wary demeanors, and he somehow managed to move past his utterly horrified disbelief and make himself explain
He took a small step forward, gesturing at the blood on Mizuki's shoulder. "My kunai was poisoned. ...He needs an antidote in the next half hour, or he'll drop dead."
The chaos that resulted after the horrified silence was one big mass of confusion. Iruka yanked a frightened (and glaring) Mizuki along into the kitchen amidst just a bunch of noise from Izumo and Kotetsu, rushing to retrieve a specific antidote from his supplies and prepare it accordingly while Kakashi stayed in the background, staring hard at the floor and wishing he could just sink down into it, never to be seen again.
As much as he disliked Mizuki, he had no wish to kill him. Just for his ego to be taken down a notch or two. ...His personality become more likable. ...Not to hurt him.
He was horrified with himself. This was far worse than when Hound had lost control and attacked Mizuki and Iruka. At least Hound had an excuse. He had none. It had been an instinctual movement, yes, and no one should break into a shinobi's apartment not expecting to get hit by a kunai (at the very least), but had Iruka lost it and started tossing weapons and jutsu?
Iruka was just as much of a ninja as he was. He had the paranoid instincts that Kakashi would've loved to blame this on. But the only one hurt here was by his hand.
The parallels between now and when he had near broken Iruka's wrist were far too obvious to possibly be ignored.
With Iruka, it had been Hound's instincts, and with Mizuki, it had been his own, but it made no difference who had done what. All that mattered was that he had hurt them. He had hurt them without meaning to; he had lost control of himself and could've killed both of them if Mizuki hadn't dodged and Iruka hadn't managed to talk him out of it.
God... just what am I?
...Fucking ANBU.
I quit over a month ago. Why is it still affecting me like this?!
He watched guiltily as Mizuki guzzled the medicinal tea in one large gulp, already pale and sweating, then set the mug down with a gasp and whirled to stare at him. "Well?!" he panted desperately. "What now?!"
He managed a mute shake of his head and coughed. "...You'll be fine now. All symptoms should disappear in an hour, at the least, and two at the most."
Mizuki still looked intensely distrustful and suspicious, but Iruka let out a soft, relieved sigh, and slumped forward to rest his head in his hands. "Thank god. ...You should still stay here, Mizuki, until then, so we can be sure, but now, at least-"
"Iruka, I need to talk to you. Right now. In private." Mizuki stood roughly from the table and grabbed the teacher by the wrist, pulling him out into another room, leaving Izumo and Kotetsu alone with him.
One look at them told him that they would rather be anywhere else.
The pair huddled back against each other, casting him surreptitious glances like they expected him to snap at any moment. Looking away- partly because he thought they were right- Kakashi slumped back against the wall sulkily, listening in on Mizuki's conversation with Iruka- because, honestly, he wasn't whispering all that quietly.
"What the hell is he doing here, Iruka? Him and his stupid poisoned kunais! Don't tell me this is all part of the godforsaken ANBU fix business- if that's what you've been doing this past month-"
"So what if it is, Mizuki?" Iruka whispered back. "What business is it of yours? And why are saying that like it's a bad thing?!"
"Because it's dangerous! Look at what he did to me! And everyone's heard the rumors about him, anyway- if you've really just been hanging out with Kakashi for the past month-"
"I don't know what rumors you're talking about, Mizuki," Iruka cut in frostily, "but they're not true. And we have not been hanging out. You really think I would take a month off work for that? That they would let him take a month off work for that?"
"Then what have you been doing?!"
"That's none of your business!"
"He almost killed me! If you're living with him, then he could do the same to you!"
Mizuki's right... I almost-
"No, he couldn't! Kakashi has never once tried to hurt me!"
But that's not true. That time when I woke up- and Hound-
"That doesn't mean he won't!"
"Mizuki!"
What had started out as a whispered argument was now almost a shouting match, one that Izumo and Kotetsu looked far too uncomfortable to intrude upon, so, with a sigh, Kakashi pushed himself off the wall and turned to confront them.
"If you want say something to Iruka and not the rest of us, Mizuki," he snapped, trying to only glare at him and not reveal any of his insecurity in the expression, "then I suggest not screaming it. As for why I'm here, ask me that to my face, not Iruka in private. If you must know, Iruka has been... helping me out after I was injured on my last mission. This was not made known to the general public because it's generally not a good idea to spread the word that the Copy-nin is incapacitated and at such and such address."
Technically true. Also technically a lie through omitted information, but nothing had been a blatant falsehood.
"And if you don't want to be attacked, don't come storming into a shinobi's home without warning. You're rather asking for it."
Technically true, again. If you were storming into a crazy ANBU's (or ex-ANBU, as the case may be) home. No one else had that much trouble distinguishing reality from memory, instinct from what was right.
Which hadn't mattered until now, because anyone who might have startled Kakashi into reacting like that in the past had been ANBU themselves- that was all he associated with. And they could defend themselves against an instinctive kunai throw and use of jutsu- it created an awkward moment or two, nothing more. Never something as severe as this.
Mizuki, as annoying and misguided as he was, may just be right.
For the wrong reasons, unless Iruka was stupid enough to come at him yelling and waving a weapon, but...
I could've killed Mizuki today. What if something like this happens again? What if...
I thought Hound was the one who hurt everybody. But Hound is gone, and I'm still doing it. The part of me that hurts people... Hound didn't take it. He didn't form it. He just... used it.
I thought it was safe to be here. I was wrong.
Izumo, Kotetsu, and Mizuki weren't very keen on staying in the same room as Iruka and who appeared to be a psychotic killer, and had left outright once Iruka's defensive, pointed glares had made the situation just too awkward to stand. That was perfectly all right with Kakashi; staying with three chuunin who wouldn't be able to protect themselves if he lost control again was something he couldn't bear, and with Iruka there, too...
He couldn't do it anymore.
Kakashi wasn't going to be selfish about this any longer. It didn't matter if Iruka was helping him more than he'd ever been helped before, if Iruka was probably the only reason he was still sane- if him being here put the teacher in danger, then there just wasn't an option.
Although, that could be considered selfishness, too. ...If I hurt Iruka again... I can't stand that. This is just as much to protect myself as it is him.
Which was really just a load of shit; he didn't care about himself and figured one more hurt was just another thing to feel guilty about, who cared, but it would probably help him convince Iruka if- when- he protested at Kakashi's imminent departure.
He says I'm his friend. And friends try to keep each other from being hurt, right? So this is what I have to do.
Kakashi had his whole speech planned out.
And then, Iruka interrupted him before he even got started.
"Don't," he warned, the very moment the door had shut behind his friends. "Don't you start."
Kakashi stared uncomprehendingly at his back, rooted to the spot as Iruka turned around slowly to fix him with a determined stare. "I know what you're about to say, Kakashi, and just... don't. It was their fault for surprising you like that; you can hardly be blamed for reacting like you did."
"You didn't." It wasn't snide or bitter, but, rather, pointed and unhappy, but Iruka just sighed and crossed the room to stand in front of him with a gentle smile.
"Yes, well, I also haven't spent the last twenty years facing death at the hands of the worst enemies Konoha has ever had. Besides, I except those three to come charging in at a regular intervals. You had no reason to. You can't exactly be blamed for reacting the way you did, and Mizuki doesn't know the whole story; he only blamed you because he was probably upset and just didn't-"
"Mizuki was right-"
"Let me finish, you- just let me finish!" Iruka sucked in one deep, calming breath after cutting Kakashi off, cheeks tinted with an angry red, and then continued, voice only the slightest bit more sedate and controlled. "What happened last night... okay, it was bad, Kakashi, but I don't blame you. It wasn't your fault. It could've happened to anyone-"
"Anyone?!" he gasped. "Hardly anyone, Iruka! You've never off and attacked me like that! None of you ever have! Just me, me and the other ANBU, we-"
"It's not as if you signed up for that! You didn't go to ANBU to wind up this- this screwed up!"
"I went to ANBU for Hound! I wanted something like him! I knew exactly what I was getting into, so don't you stand there and act like what happened last night and now, with Mizuki, is not entirely-"
"Will you shut up?!"
Kakashi stiffened at the teacher's wave of fury, cold gaze boring into the man's fiery one without the slightest effect, except perhaps to incense Iruka more. He folded his arms, uncertain of just when this had turned into an argument, and inclined his head, gesturing silently for Iruka to talk.
Once it was apparent that he wasn't going to try to interrupt again, Iruka relaxed, if only slightly, and let out another tense breath. He closed his eyes briefly, and when he opened them again, he appeared considerably calmer. "Look, us yelling at each other isn't going to solve anything, Kakashi. Neither is you listening to Mizuki. He doesn't even know what's going on, so his opinion's moot."
...I wish he was more wrong, so I could argue with him.
"...But, if you really think that what he said is true... what you said last night- that all you're good for is hurting people, and you're going to wind up hurting me- then, fine, Kakashi. If that's really all you can do, then why don't you just go back to ANBU and serve them until you die. Because if you really believe that, Kakashi, then there's nothing stopping you from going back into ANBU."
Kakashi knew exactly what Iruka was trying to do, but it wasn't going to work. He knew the truth already, had known it all along, just been deluding himself in thinking things could be different. It didn't matter what Iruka said. ...He already knew the truth.
"I'm not going back into ANBU, Iruka. Just because that's all I used to be good for doesn't mean I can do it anymore. But it's not all or nothing. I'm not going back to ANBU and I just can't stay here. Not when I could- fuck, Iruka, why are you willing to risk it?! It doesn't make any sense! You're not stupid, you know that I can hurt you, so why-"
"Idiot! I should think if it's my risk to take, I should get a say in it! And it's hardly a risk, Kakashi. I told you last night, and I'll tell you again, it doesn't matter to me. You're my friend. Hell, there's a risk involved in everything- I take a risk of being drunkenly molested by being Kotetsu's friend! What matters is that you would never do it on purpose and that you're sorry. Not that it happened in the first place. What you did to me and Mizuki... it's something I can easily forgive, because you didn't intend to do it."
Kakashi scowled darkly. He didn't understand why Iruka was being so stubborn about this. Iruka clearly understood that it wasn't just a one time thing, that it wasn't just influenced by extreme circumstance- that it could happen again. So why was he willing to risk that? It made no sense.
I could have killed him...
He looked away, biting into his lip beneath his mask. What was he supposed to do now, if Iruka wouldn't just let him leave? Sure, he could easily overpower the teacher if he wanted, injured or not, but the moment he got to his apartment (if he even still had one anymore), he found himself one hundred percent certain that Iruka would just be sitting there waiting to drag him back. The man was stubborn to a fault. The only way to solve things now would be to shatter his tender friendship with him, get Iruka to throw him out- but Kakashi just didn't want to do that.
It would be safer for Iruka, and he knew that, but Kakashi was selfish. He didn't- he couldn't- give him up.
Because he needed Iruka more now than he did back when he was still his fix.
A soft sigh intruded into his thoughts, and he looked back to see Iruka shaking his head and smiling slightly. "Kakashi no baka," he muttered under his breath, "you think too much."
He didn't know fully what that was supposed to mean, but he decided it didn't really matter. He was too selfish to give Iruka up entirely, Iruka was too stubborn to let him leave... that left him only one choice.
He would just have to try not to let anything like this happen again. Try even harder than he had before- try and practice and work until he succeeded. That was what he would just have to do, because Iruka wasn't letting him take the easy way out.