A/N: You know, everything that is related to B'ne Aqiva should come with a sign: "Prolonged exposure to B'ne Aqiva can permanently damage your sanity". Seriously, the march thingy we're doing is driving me crazy. It's all military-like and it kills feet. It's so military-like that if someone messes up slightly, either they have to do 84,962,700,859,672,890,576,284,592,405 push-ups or everyone has to kneel on one knee without that knee touching the ground. IT HURTS LIKE HECK. AND IT KILLS KNEES. Well, it's not that bad for me, because the people who are in charge seem to have taken a liking to me. I haven't had to do a single push-up yet and with the kneel thing, I only have to kneel for a few seconds and my knee can touch the ground, and then they let me sit down. Well, at least someone's got their priorities straight. OK, you want some funny made funnier, have some funny made funnier.

Disclaimer: I do not own the film/book Diary of a Wimpy Kid or any other film/book in the series, Harry Potter, Phineas and Ferb, or Artemis Fowl.

~And the title sequence begins. At least this thing has a title sequence, unlike the Harry Potter movies~

Greg: I'm just sighing, nothing to see here.

~Page 21~

Manny: BUBBY!

Greg: That's my door! And that's not me, that's him, according to the book!

yoneld: Oh sure. Now I can hate him, but in actual movie scenes…

Frank and Susan: D'aww!

FOX 2000 PICTURES: *presents*

yoneld: Presents? Where?

FOX 2000 PICTURES: THIS MOVIE!

yoneld: Huh, didn't remember the titles in the book. Or that drawing being there.

Greg: I DON'T CARE. *slaps Rowley in the face*

Rowley: OW MY NOSE.

Greg: THIS IS SUCH A GREAT PRANK. I AM SUCH A GREAT FRIEND.

~Page 38~

FOX 2000 PICTURES: THIS IS THE PRESENT!

yoneld: You call a COLOR FORCE production, a present?

FOX 2000 PICTURES: YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL YOU EVEN GOT ONE.

yoneld: Hey, it's cool, I didn't really need a present right now, I just thought it would be cool to get one. Next page…

Greg: I will kick your truck!

Manny: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Frank: I WILL BASH YOUR BRAINS OUT WITH THIS BRICK!

Greg: I should've known this would be a bad time to screw up.

~Page 22~

Everyone: HAPPY NON-SPECIFIC BIRTHDAY!

Random kid #482: There seems to be a present for Bubby. At your birthday party. This must mean that you are Bubby! OH MY GOD I AM SO INTELLIGENT.

Greg: Actually, that's a mistake. It's for the next-door neighbor.

Random kid #482: FORGET WHAT I SAID ABOUT BEING INTELLIGENT. NEXT PAGE.

Manny: Hmm, what to do wiv left-ovow food… eat it? No, I wood get extwemely stuffed. Oh, I know! I shood thwow it in the potty! *thwows it in the potty and fails miserably* And now I'm a faiwing faiwure made of faiw. HOW WIW I GET ANYWHEW IN WIFE? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

~Page 60~

Greg: Hey, this is actually not a bad show – OMG FLAMETHROWER. IN A SHOW ROWLEY'S OVERLY FUSSY PARENTS LET HIM, AN ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD, WATCH.

Rowley: I know, right? And it's rated PG!

~Back to page 38~

Greg: I think I'm like, eight or nine in this drawing. I was already extremely naïve back then. Also, YAY DAD CALLED ME A FRIEND!

~Page 30~

Rodrick: I totally fail at spelling.

~Page 57~

Greg and Rowley: WE WILL BASH YOUR BRAINS OUT WITH THESE SCREAMS.

Random little kid #847: I hate the lack of continuity in this thing. You should be ranting about Fregley.

~Page 17~

Greg: DAD! TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!

Frank: BUT YOU SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT YOUR HAUNTED HOUSE!

~Page 11~

Movie watchers: So this is how it really happened?

Book readers: Yeah, but we don't remember Greg and Rowley's headphone game being there. And anyways, Greg should be talking about Rodrick's secrets to success.

~Page 15~

Rodrick: Okay, it's official. This title sequence has no continuity at all. Greg should be talking about the Cheese Touch.

Frank: Well, at least your underwear is not on the table.

Rodrick: That's true.

~INTRO!1111111111111111(%^$^85798935946598678^*(%*%*&3495Q7457PIZZA3957~

Diary: I AM A DIARY, NOT A JOURNAL.

Of a Wimpy Kid: Don't forget you're the DIARY of a Wimpy Kid.

Rodrick: MOM! Greg is making a title sequence!

Greg: HAND!

Of a Wimpy Kid: NO! DON'T PICK UP THE DIARY!

Greg: *picks up the diary*

Of a Wimpy Kid: I NEVER SAW BELARUS!

Greg: I DON'T CARE. So let me get something straight. I AM OBVIOUSLY SHOOTING IN FRONT OF A GREEN SCREEN. Also, this is a JOURNAL, not a diary. And notice how I point at it.

Diary: Actually, I'm a diary, not a journal.

Greg: O RLY?

Diary: YAH RLY.

Greg: *looks at the cover* Guess you're right. Well, as Supreme Lord of the English Language, I declare that the word diary's pronunciation is hereby changed from diary to journal.

Diary: THE SPELLING RULES OF ENGLISH DO NOT WORK LIKE THAT!

Greg: Do you even know the spelling rules of English?

Diary: Um… no.

Greg: Well, THERE ARE NONE. I can do whatever I want!

Diary: This coming from the guy who couldn't spell "acquaintance" at age 12, while some French teenager could.

Greg: You know you're really starting to annoy me.

Diary: Fine! I'll tell Rodrick that he doesn't have to scrub the toilet on Saturdays anymore.

Greg: Where'd you get that from?

Diary: The original version of me.

Greg: I hate my life.

Pete, Wade, and Carter: We can happily help you there.

Greg: On second thought…

Diary: Hem, hem.

yoneld: AAAAAAAAAAH! UMBRIDGE!1&*%#$%&SANDWICH#*(%^ ~4

Greg: Oh, right. So yeah, I know it says diary, but as they say, don't judge a book by its cover. It's still a journal.

Diary: I hate my life.

Greg: You will sell billions of copies when I'm done with you.

Diary: I love my life!

Greg: You're still a journal.

Book!Greg: But when Mom went out to buy this thing, I SPECIFICALLY told her to get one that didn't say "diary" on it.

Movie!Greg: But when Mom went out to buy thing, I specifically TOLD her, not to get one that said "diary" on it.

yoneld: Seriously, what is wrong with his inflection?

Greg: Well, that shows two things. One: Mom has a horrible memory.

yoneld: Hey, I've got an even worse memory.

Greg: Two: Mom has no idea about kids my age. Let me show you an example:

~And now Greg is paper again~

Random bully #746: I am instantly judging a book by its cover. *punches Greg in the gut*

Greg: It's cool, I didn't need that diaphragm anyways.

yoneld: Why am I suddenly reminded of my own school experience?

~Now, back to the actual intro~

Greg: The only reason I'm actually writing in a book that says "diary" in a school with a bunch of people who judge books by their covers, is because I could use this as my autobiography. And get out of annoying interviews and stuff. You know, when I'm rich and famous.

~And we cut off Greg's monologue yet again~

Every single journalist ever: YAY A RICH AND FAMOUS PERSON WE CAN ANNOYINGLY INTERVIEW!

Random male journalist #57,289: Gregory, tell us about your childhood!

Greg: Dude. Mike. Get one.

Random female journalist #83,966: Did you always get all the ladies? *bats eyelashes*

Greg: *taps mike* Here's my journal, now GET OUT.

yoneld: What a nice guy.

Random journalist #98,689: I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON WE WORSHIP YOU AND THE GROUND YOU WALK ON.

~And another fantasy~

Greg: I rule. Also, I have posters all over Times Square.

Susan: Our boy is all over Manhattan!

Frank: I know, right? I can't believe I ever did anything that he didn't approve of!

~EARTH TO GREG!~

Greg: Right. So this wasn't my idea, it was Mom's. She wants me to write down how I feel about starting middle school. But I'm going to be fine.

yoneld: Not if you're in Israel, you're not. Now, if you're in Palo Alto, California, you'll be more than fine.

Greg: But I'm not in Palo Alto, California or in Israel. I'm in some fictional town somewhere in the States. But I expect to survive. Now, Rowley Jefferson, my bestest friendly-friend… he'll be killed by the end of first period. Let me give you an example:

~I hope this really did happen~

Rowley: Geronimo!

Kindergarteners/First graders: YAY A FIFTH/SIXTH GRADER HAS JOINED US WE ARE BIG KIDS THIS IS AWESOME I WANT SOME PRETZELS.

~Now back to Greg's monologue~

Greg: He's basically a five-year-old trapped in an eleven-going-on-twelve-year-old body.

~And he has evidence to back that up~

Rowley: I'm still convinced this is actually Santa Claus and not just a random guy at a theme park dressed like Santa.

Artemis Fowl: Actually, I believe this is San D'Klass in disguise.

~But this is about Greg, not Rowley~

Greg: I'm totally breaking the fourth wall here. I knew they'd make a movie about my life and I know I'm in a movie.

Entertainment magazines: YAY THEY MADE A MOVIE ABOUT GREG HEFFLEY'S LIFE.

Greg: But why did they have to start at the worst point in my life? Seriously, who would want to watch a movie about some kid in middle school who's stuck with a bunch of moronic imbeciles?

~Everyone has to see the moronic imbeciles!~

Chris Hosey and Lionel James: Our names are never given in this version, but WE ARE MORONIC IMBECILES AND PROUD OF IT.

Greg: *facepalm* Huh, don't remember saying these lines right now

~And the actual movie begins~

A/N: I know this is just the intro, but it's actually worth an entire chapter. Don't know how long chapters will be from now on, because I'm barely at home these days. I'll be glad when I get my Kindle Fire. You can write documents on it.

Review or you will be stuck in middle school with a bunch of moronic imbeciles.