A/N: I know I haven't updated in a month, and I'm sorry about that. I can't be as consistent as iheartmwpp with this, since I've got school and a billion other things and we don't get Sundays off here in Israel. I was also in Elat two weeks ago and I made the mistake of not bringing my laptop with me. If you haven't been to Elat, you should. It's awesome. It's like the Hawaii of Israel – it's separated from the rest of the country and it's the southernmost and hottest area in Israel. Well, Israel doesn't have any islands, but there's a huge desert separating Elat from the rest of Israel. It's so far away from other places that there's even a security checkpoint just outside of the city. I know this sounds ridiculous – after all, there aren't really security checkpoints on American roads – but Israel doesn't get along too well with its neighbors (except maybe Jordan) and it's shaped like a trapezoid, and Elat is right at the vertex, with Jordan on one side and Egypt on the other. Now, Jordan is fine, but Egypt – well, let's just say that the Israel-Egypt relationship has been better.
I've just finished watching Film Three, and I wasn't too disappointed. I mean, I knew it wouldn't be too true to the book, and after the first two films, I expected it to be just as far from the book, if not more. The movie itself was okay, but it was barely recognizable as "Dog Days". You know, I have a new theory. It's called the Curse of the Third Movies. Basically, any third movie in a book-based series must have most of the book's plot removed and replaced by drawing out whatever they've left and adding stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with the book. They did that with Harry Potter, and I shudder to think what the third Percy Jackson movie will be like. You know, I remember when that book came out when I was eleven. We were just going to Border's (I don't remember why), and when we got in, I thought the world had gone yellow. Once I got over the shock of the store being covered in the same book, I decided to buy it. Oh, and we have a special guest today: my baby sister!
Disclaimer: I do not own the film/book Diary of a Wimpy Kid, or any other film/book in the series, The Fairly OddParents, James Potter, Phineas and Ferb, or my eighth-grade B'ne Aqiva play.
~Our story begins here. Greg is an average boy that no one understands. Mom and Dad and Vicky are always giving him commands – oh wait, that's not it. Every parody, same thing, eh? Ah, well. Greg is an eleven-year-old boy who lives in… where does he live? According to the movie, it's Plainview, but movies can't be trusted~
Greg: Zzzzzzzzzzz…
yoneld: WOW he used to be so small. *looks at baby sister* Okay, not THAT small, but still small.
Alarm clock: Good morning, Greg! I'm pretty sure I'm set to the right time, but why you would want to wake up at seven o'clock in the morning is completely and –
Greg: Shut up, you. *hits it*
Alarm clock: Violence is never a good solution. *shuts up*
Greg: Ew, what did I eat last night? My breath tastes horrible! But how can I be sure the clock is set to the right time?
yoneld: You're seriously checking that it's actually morning?
Greg: Well, after the prank I just fell for…
yoneld: Once, I woke up in the middle of the night and didn't check the window, so I thought it was morning and I started getting dressed for school. But then it turned out to be 12:30 AM, so I went back to sleep, but I still don't check the window when I wake up. Well, sometimes I do, but it's only to see what the weather is like.
Greg: Not even when you wake up from a nightmare?
yoneld: No, I just check my watch.
Greg: Ah yes, but didn't the opening scene just show you that time-telling devices may be unreliable?
yoneld: Yes, but I'm talking about a watch. No one would've taken it off my hand in the middle of the night and set it to a random hour.
Pigeons: WE AGREE! *chirp*
~Looks like he's convinced that it's the right time~
Greg: I have a bad case of pillow hair. *tries to straighten it out and fails miserably*
yoneld: That's nothing compared to what MY hair looks like at any given moment. You should be thankful that you have straight hair.
Greg: Yeah, yeah, straight hair is awesome, I DON'T CARE.
Rodrick: TACKLE! *tackles*
Greg: What was – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Rodrick: Oh, and BTW, I haven't showered for three days.
yoneld: WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU MESSED UP JERK!
Greg: *sighs dramatically* There might be less pleasant smells in the world than your armpit, but I am hard-pressed to think of any at the moment.
Rodrick: *lets him go*
Greg: That was the most horrifying experience in my life and I will never recover from it. *wipes mouth*
Rodrick: That was fun. Let's do it again!
Greg: No.
Rodrick: Please?
Greg: No.
Rodrick: Please? *puppy dog eyes*
Greg: I said, NO!
Rodrick: You're no fun.
Greg: Oh, I'm plenty of fun, but I also have a shred of dignity.
Rodrick: Sure. So look. *cleans ear*
Greg: Do I want to know what's on that?
Rodrick: No. Anyways, Mom asked me to give you some big-brotherly advice.
Greg: What? She wants YOU to give ME advice?
Rodrick: I know, right? But I've been in the same middle school you're about to start, and apparently Mom and Dad haven't, so it's up to me.
Greg: Oh joy.
Rodrick: So surviving middle school – it's simple: Don't look at anyone, don't look away from anyone, don't talk to anyone, don't ignore anyone, don't go anywhere, don't stay where you are, don't sit down, don't stand up, don't raise your hand, don't lower your hand, don't go to the bathroom, don't hold it in all day, don't get noticed, don't stay out of the yearbook, don't choose the wrong locker, don't choose the locker that's assigned to you, don't –
Greg: This is my trademark frown.
Rodrick: This whole fake advice thing is pointless. You'll have at least 187 broken bones, 284 strained muscles, and 867 torn ligaments by the end of the school year. That is, if you're alive.
Greg: That bad?
Rodrick: Worse.
yoneld: Better or worse than the school I went to last year?
Rodrick: Depends.
yoneld: Do you get flying chairs?
Rodrick: That, and more.
Greg: I so didn't need to hear that.
Rodrick: Well, tough. Also, don't be seen with Rowley and don't be seen without Rowley.
Greg: You know what? I'm not going to take you seriously for three reasons: 1. you're not wearing a shirt, 2. you've just been cleaning your ear, and 3. you kept giving me contradicting advice.
~Wow, I completely forgot that transitions in this film used to be abrupt. Thankfully, the Cheese is going to come in soon~
Greg: I'm still a bit worried about what Rodrick just told me – YAY TOAST.
Rodrick: You do know that's you, right?
Greg: I don't follow you.
Rodrick: You're toast.
Greg: *goes green in the face*
Manny: I fink I'm one of ve onwy fwee-yeaw-owds in ve wowd vat awen't potty-twained. And I cowtainwy shoodn't be doing vat whiwe evewyone's eating. Meh, who cawes. Imma fowthow gwoss Bubby out. *fowthow gwosses Bubby out*
yoneld: OK, now it's possible to hate him.
Greg: OH GOD WHY. MOM! Manny is making weird noises!
Rodrick: Thanks for the eggs, bye!
Greg: Mom!
Susan: I don't have time for this. Frank!
Frank: I'm sitting in a weird position. Greg, you were saying?
Greg: This guy is totally grossing me out.
Susan: That is no way to talk about your father, young man!
Greg: I meant Manny!
Susan: What's he done now?
Greg: Um… do you really think he should be peeing during breakfast, right next to me?
Susan: Well, it's your fault that he's still potty-training, so naturally you have to sit right next to him while he's peeing and you're eating breakfast.
Book readers: Did we miss something?
~And now we're going to have one of the many flashbacks of the film~
Greg: I should've had a red light turned on when I had to brush my teeth while Manny was using the potty/toilet/whatever, but I didn't. That just shows how naïve I am.
Manny: I'm using ve actuaw toiwet! I AM SUCH A BIG BOY.
Greg: But are you big enough to face… THE POTTY MONSTER?
Manny: VE POTTY MONSTOW?
Greg: Yes, THE POTTY MONSTER. He doesn't like it when you look down at him.
Manny: Being a wogicaw boy, I am now doing ve wogicaw fing and wooking down. And I totawy few fow it. *screams*
Book readers: THAT WASN'T GREG! THAT WAS UNCLE JOE! *explode*
~End flashback~
Greg: Something is flawed with that logic. And what about the weird noises?
Susan: He's only three, he doesn't understand it's wrong to make weird noises!
Greg: More like, "I show blatant favoritism towards Manny so I'm just going to ignore it as usual".
Susan: Yes, that too. But if you say you're sorry, you won't have to sit next to him anymore.
Greg: It's his fault, he fell for it. And anyways, it was a joke.
Susan: But you tricked him. Well, enough of that. *kisses him on the head* We don't want to be late for your first day of middle school.
Greg: I GIVE YOU MY TRADEMARK FROWN. YOU TOO, MANNY.
Manny: Anyfing to annoy you, Bubby.
~Next chapter starts with a deleted scene~
A/N: Sorry for it being so short, I just don't have too much time these days. Next update might include a longer chapter thanks to Hanukkah. Speaking of Hanukkah, I just love Hanukkah doughnuts. They're powdered, raspberry-filled hole-less doughnuts. *drools*
Review or you will get contradicting advice that will end up being pointless.