The First Ever Diary of a Wimpy Kid Movie Parody: Film 1 Chapter 6: Teh EVERYONE IS MUTATING FOR SOME REASON, a diary of a wimpy kid fanfic

A/N: It's been a very long time since I updated, hasn't it? *checks* HOLY CRAP I HAVEN'T UPDATED SINCE FEBRUARY. I'll make this chapter extra-long to make up for it – not stopping until I hit twenty pages.

Disclaimer: I do not own the film/book Diary of a Wimpy Kid or any other film or book in the series, The Kane Chronicles, Harry Potter, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, I Don't Care by Icona Pop, Pokémon,.

~And Greg walks briskly into the school, leaving the confused people who don't happen to have this film on DVD wondering why the hell is he so upset~

Garbage can: *explodes*

Toilet paper: *seems like normal, soft toilet paper. And they're throwing it around. And then they wonder why they have horrible toilet paper*

Random students #215 and #892: *send Greg flying to the other end of town*

Greg: WHOA not the greeting I was expecting.

Random student #151: DAMN YOU VENDING MACHINE WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME FREE STUFF.

Random student #125: I WANT DELUXE MEALS.

Vending machine: I don't even sell deluxe meals! Just soda! And they'll take that away in two years too!

Highly ironic school motto: *is highly ironic. And a school motto*

Greg: I appear to have changed my mind about middle school. You can tell by my Frown™.

Random student #210: *punches random student #150 through the wall and destroys his books*

yoneld: Replace that kid with a short, scrawny thirteen-year-old boy, and you'll get me in the eighth grade. No, seriously, this is exactly what happened to me. And that was when they were in a good mood.

Greg: I do NOT want to know what they did when they were in a bad mood.

Everyone yoneld knows: END THIS DISCUSSION. RIGHT NOW.

yoneld: Let me just say that I'm not sure how I survived that year.

Greg: I have a feeling this'll develop into an hour-long discussion with many CAPS LOCK MOMENTS on your end, so I'm putting this subject aside. Anyway, middle school? Dumbest. Idea. EVER.

yoneld: In Israel, some schools are middle and high school together.

Greg: Okay, then I'm perfectly happy that I live in Plainview, which is NOT fictional, contrary to the last chapter, but is the name of nine towns/cities in Arkansas, California, Georgia, Illinois, Minnesota, Nebraska, New York, Tennessee, and Texas, and a neighborhood of Louisville, Kentucky.

yoneld: Considering Dog Days establishes (in canon, too) that you're driving distance from a beach, I'd say you live in either California, Georgia, Illinois, or New York. Arkansas, Minnesota, Nebraska, Tennessee, and Kentucky are landlocked and Plainview, Texas is in northwestern Texas, eight and a half hours of driving from Corpus Christi, Texas, which is the closest sea town to Plainview.

Greg: Since Plainview, Georgia is an unincorporated community and is therefore unlikely to have a country club or a mall, I'd rule that one out. Plainview, California is also a very small town, so that's not it. Plainview, Illinois is even smaller, so no. That leaves Plainview, New York, which is definitely not a small town and is surrounded by other towns so there can totally be a country club nearby.

yoneld: And that's a twenty-minute drive from Long Island Sound and a twenty-five-minute drive from the other side of Long Island.

Greg: Thank you, Mr. Google Maps. Now, as I was saying, you got kids like me who haven't hit their growth spurt yet and will probably stay midgets after their growth spurt, which seems to be the way yoneld is going even though his growth spurt isn't done yet –

yoneld: That's translated as "kids who haven't hit puberty yet" in Hebrew even though we do have a word for "growth spurt".

Greg: Thank you, yoneld, for enlightening us on what words do and don't exist in Hebrew. Okay, so – seriously? You're shaving at school?

Random student #153: DON'T JUDGE ME. *shaves his facial skin off* OH GOD THE AGONY.

Random student #125: Don't worry, you're getting there.

yoneld: I'm in freaking high school and nobody shaves at school. I don't even shave at all yet. Probably not gonna have too much facial hair anyway, I'm way too light…

Greg: So yeah, anyone who has to shave twice a day – okay, I don't know anybody who actually does, most of yoneld's friends shave once or twice a week. Anyway, anyone who DOES have to shave twice a day is a gorilla. Although that's understandable, because, as I said earlier, most guys only have to shave a couple times a week.

yoneld: *shudder* We did NOT need that view of that guy's armpit.

Greg: *is shoved into a wall* God, this place is horrible. This is a freaking juvenile prison!

yoneld: And you think that because…?

Random student #115: *tears off locker handle*

Greg: Look at this kid! He's damaging school property! OH GOD THE HORROR.

yoneld: *rolls eyes* None of this happened when I was in the eighth grade with REAL juvenile delinquents.

Greg: Really? They respect school property?

yoneld: I don't know – they were too busy trying to kill one of their fellow students *cough*me*cough*.

Greg: I think I'll stay here, thanks. HOLY CRAP THIS GUY HAS A GUM COLLECTION STUCK TO HIS LOCKER DOOR WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM.

Random student #629: *eats 164,316,180,976-year-old gum*

EVERYONE EVER: *dies*

Greg: So yeah, I'm in the 5th percentile when it comes to height. That means I'm 4'4".

yoneld: You're taller than I was at eleven.

Greg: Wow, you must be –

yoneld: - a real midget, and proud of it. Right now, I managed to make it – SOMEHOW – to the 40th percentile.

Greg: So you're 5'8"?

yoneld: Something like that, yeah. But if my height's settling down now, I'll be in the 18th percentile as an adult. And neither of my parents is very tall, so yeah.

Filmmakers: You see that? Greg's a midget. And to illustrate how short he is, we'll have him pass between two tall eighth-grade girls, who are A) taller than boys their age and B) taller than sixth graders.

yoneld: *rolls eyes* My eight-year-old sister is average and I'm below average and yet I'm two heads taller than her. Get boys Greg's age.

Greg: ANYWAY! So there's this one kid who's shorter than me –

yoneld: That's nice, I have a good friend who's my age and has always been a head shorter than me. On the other hand, I have another good friend who's my age and has always been a head taller than me.

Greg: … I kind of use this kid as a buffer – you know, if I was the shortest person in my grade, I'd get the same thing.

yoneld: *suddenly hostile* And you wouldn't like getting the same thing, would you?

Greg: Hence the buffer, you stupid idiot. *gets popcorn and watches as Chirag gets bullied for his height*

yoneld: You know of any smart ones? Anyway, you wouldn't like having the hell bullied out of you just because you're short, would you? So WHY ARE YOU LETTING SOMEONE ELSE GO THROUGH THAT?

Everyone yoneld knows: *rolls eyes*

yoneld: I SAW THAT! As far as I'm concerned, standing aside and watching, AND EATING POPCORN, while someone bullies someone else is JUST AS BAD AS DOING IT YOURSELF.

Greg: Who cares? At least I'm not getting bullied, and that's the most important thing! The most important thing is me, isn't it? Why care about others if you're perfectly fine?

yoneld: I hate you, with all my hate.

Chirag: Why am I friends wid dat guy.

yoneld: You're not, you just explain the plot in this version, then you hate each other in Film Two, and then you're with him in the Wilderness Explorers in Film Three and sort-of work with him, but then again so does Fregley, so I don't know.

Chirag: In da book we are friends.

yoneld: You're mentioned once in Book One, then you're the subject of a huge practical joke in Book Two, you're seen once in Book Three, and then you stop existing in Book Four. You might come back in Book Eight, I don't know…

Chirag: Tank you. Also, apparently Karan had to work on his Indian accent before doing dis, he actually speaks wid an American accent.

Greg: Just in case some of you didn't understand that this kid over there who's getting bullied for his height is Chirag, I'll point him out.

Arrow: DING-DING-DING! THAT'S CHIRAG! YOU SEE THAT? IT'S CHIRAG! IT'S AMAZING HOW CHIRAGISH HE IS! HIS CHIRAGISHNESS IS ASTOUNDING! FEAR HIS CHIRAGISH POWERS OF CHIRAGISHNESS! HE'S SO CHIRAGISH THAT – yeah, I got nothing.

Random student #436: Bullying is fun.

yoneld: *glares daggers at him which impale his duodenum*

Random student #162: Can I hug you?

Greg: I'm not a very huggy person.

Random student #162: Come on, it'll be fun!

Greg: No.