Disclaimer: Characters belong to the Naruto series!
Chapter 5: Dumb and Drunk
"We're baaaackkkkk!" Tobi sang as he and Kakuzu hauled in the bazillion bags of groceries into the kitchen. Kakuzu was still crying. Tobi couldn't understand why, they had lots of fun at the grocery store!
"DAMN you Tobi!" he kept saying.
"Kakuzu…." Tobi began slowly.
Kakuzu glared at him. "You little bastard! You are never shopping again!"
"Kakuzu….you should go to sleep."
"Sixteen Hundred. You spent sixteen hundred. SIXTEEN HUNDRED! Now I'm going to kill you that many times!" He dropped his bags and the threads shot out toward Tobi. Tobi squealed and ducked.
Kakuzu killed a lot of people before. And Tobi didn't want to die! "Stop." Came a voice.
Tobi looked up to see Leader and Blue-chan coming into the kitchen. The Leader glared at Kakuzu. "Kakuzu-san. Do not hurt Tobi."
"Y-yes Leader." Gasped Kakuzu through tears. He then laid slowly onto the tiled floor in an emo-corner and curled up like a kitten, sobbing.
Tobi sighed in relief. Kakuzu can be scary. Then he turned to the Leader. "I got all the food!"
The Leader scanned the room, full with bags. "Good."
Tobi picked a bag up, the one full with wine bottles, not wanting them to fall out. He looked up to see leader staring at the wine with wide eyes. "Tobi, y-you got wine?" he asked faintly.
"No Pein." Scolded Blue-chan turning red. "No alcohol for you!"
"I'm Leader." He said to her and she scowled.
Tobi watched eager to please Leader. "You want wine Leader-sama?"
"Immediately!" Leader said and sat at the counter, pulling Blue-chan next to him. Blue sighed and buried her face into her hands.
Tobi ran to a cupboard and peered inside. He couldn't see any shot glasses, maybe Deidara took them again. So instead Tobi pulled out Leader's painted mug.
"Is this okay Leader-sama?" he asked showing the cup.
Pein nodded eagerly. Tobi excitedly took a wine bottle and pulled on the cork. Funny, it didn't come out. Tobi pulled harder again, letting out a grunt in the process. He then held the bottle in front of his face and frowned at it. Maybe the bottle didn't like him. So then put the cork in his eye hole and jerked up. Instead his mask just shifted a little.
"Moron." Grunted the Leader. "Get a cork opener."
Re-adjusting his mask Tobi said, "Ooooh you mean that thing Hidan uses on his eyes?"
"Yes." Answered Blue, looking un-settled.
"Okay." He opened the "scary drawer" filled with sharp stake knives and jutted bread knives and other sharp tools. He pulled out the little cork opener and instinctively used it on the cork the right way.
He did it with force and the cork when flying across the room; it ended up hitting Kakuzu's head. But the bounty hunter gave no notice and continued bawling over his precious lost money.
Soon enough Leader had a wine filled cup, along with Blue-chan who didn't look happy at all in this moment. Tobi however was singing merrily while setting up pots over the stove to begin to cook, putting on his apron.
"Hey Konan," Began the Leader, smiling groggily while gulping down his wine.
"Call me Blue, Pein."
"Why don't you ever use your real name? It's as pretty as you are!" The leader said, making Konan blush.
"Your name is Konan?" Asked Tobi, dumbstruck from cutting cheese. "But Blue-chan, your Blue-name matches your hair!"
"Blue is a nickname Tobi." Answered Blue-chan.
"Blueeee…." The leader began to play with her hair. "Konaaaannnn."
"Your getting drunk Pein!" I warned you!" Said his female partner, embarrassed.
Leader took another massive gulp of wine. Tobi was busy melting cheese. He liked gooey cheese. He giggled a little as he took the melted cheese between his fingers. Gooey.
"Is anyone going to put away all this food?" Asked Blue-chan suddenly, inching away from the drunken s-class shinobi. Tobi was now dumping the Mac and cheese noodles into the pot on the stove, lost in his world. Blue looked over at him. "Are you cooking?" She asked. Amazed.
"For tomorrow." Answered Tobi.
"Then er…I'll put away the food."
"Come back here!" Cried Pein, after refilling his cup. "Your hair is so pretty! Can we do what we did-"
"No Pein!" She said, cutting him off.
"Awww." Suddenly he narrowed his eyes at crying Kakuzu. "Shut up you money whore! Acting like a five year old!" His voice dripped with all signs of being drunk.
Tobi was now wiggling a little as he stirred the Mac and cheese to his own rhythm. Life was good right now! He was his beloved table's savior!
The vision of tuxedo clad Akatsuki members sitting straight and stiff in front a massive amount of food in the meal food came to him. They where all eating with out a drip of liquid or a drop of crumbs. Samehada-chan long gone and Deidara's hands clamped shut. One of Itachi's eyes adorned with a smarmy monocle…wait, WTF?
But in all, Tobi felt a little teary from happiness.
But of course that would never happen, much to Tobi's fairytale…other than marrying Blue-chan.
Blue began to rapidly empty bags and stock the fridge. While drunken Pein cat-called at her and tried lame pickup lines. Sadly, Tobi was oblivious to what most of them meant.
Soon enough the door opened and by the delicate footsteps Tobi knew who came in. Itachi. Unfortunately he stepped in at the same time Pein slurred at Blue, "If you where available at a candy store, I'll make sure to get a sample!" And winked while Blue stiffened.
Itachi blinked. Why was the Leader saying hookup lines to his partner? And why was Tobi in a frilly apron dancing and cooking to no hearable music? AND WHY THE HELL WAS KAKUZU IN HIS EMO CORNER???!!!
"Kakuzu." Itachi said coldly. "Get out of there. That is my emo corner. Go cry in your own."
Kakuzu began crying harder as he glanced at Itachi. "Don't say anything emo psycho boy! I just lost sixteen h-hundred to-to that!" he threw a finger at Tobi who grinned and waved from the stove.
"No!" Wailed Kakuzu.
"Hey Itachi!" The Leader drawled.
Itachi turned to the leader, noticing he was obviously drunk. "Come take a load of your shoulders and have a drink. TOBI! Get Itachi a drink!" Commanded the Leader. With out a response from the Uchiha, The Leader took Itachi's elbow and slammed him into the seat next to him.
Right away a wine filled sharingan cup was in front of Itachi. Itachi looked up quizzically but Tobi was already back to dancing and began to cut bread. So Itachi lifted his cup and took a tiny sip of the wine. He reached inside his robes and pulled out his book.
"Hey is that one of your perverted books!?" Asked the Leader.
"Yes. I'm catching up to prepare for the new one I'm getting tomorrow." Said Itachi quietly.
"I heard all the dateless desperate guys cleave to those books." But then he huffed proudly, "Unlike me I got my sexy woman!"
Itachi, mid sip in a drink of wine sputtered it out and looked uncertainly at Pein. "Are you sure your okay? Leader-sama?"
"I'm good!" he answered, taking another long sip. "Be a man and chug!" He thrust Itachi's cup to his mouth.
The sharingan user, quite afraid, took the cup and drained it down while the Leader nodded in satisfactory. Itachi emitted a hiccup.
"That sounded funny, Itachi-sama!" Giggled Tobi, who caught that.
"Kakuzu get outta of ma emo corner!" Drooled Itachi pointing at Kakuzu. "Thatz where I go!"
Kakuzu, sniffling turn to glare at Itachi. "Look at that Leader, you made the clan assassin drunk!"
"Nuh-uh." Protested the Leader.
Tobi turned around. "Itachi I wanted to ask…is my face more of a pervert than yours?"
Itachi looked at him and flinched when he hiccupped, his hypnotic eyes a little crossed. "What are you talking about Tobi?"
Tobi blinked. "You told me, Itachi, that a pervert was my face."
"Oooohhhh that." Said Itachi as the Leader re-filled his and Itachi's cups. Blue gave a nervous look as she was putting the milk away. "That was just to get rid of you."
"You don't know what a pervert is?" Boomed the Leader looking surprised.
"A pervert Tobi, is someone that-hic- thinks dirty things about woman." Responded Itachi, not knowing his dignity was draining away.
"Oh." Answered Tobi. It was silent then he said, "I still don't get it."
Kakuzu slapped his forehead, still in the emo corner. "Dumb ass. If you read Icha-Icha Paradise then you're a pervert."
"Icha icha Paradise is not a perverted book!" Interrupted Itachi loudly, taking a massive gulp of wine. "It's a masterpiece of art about inspiring fiery passionate love between a man and woman! True art in words I tell you!"
"No. It's a book filled with a buncha scenes of people fucking each other." Protested Kakuzu. "Waste of m-money!" And he erupted crying again.
Tobi shrugged his shoulders and began piling vegetables from the fridge.
"Why did you tell Tobi his face iza pervert? He's not going to understand that, even if hell freezes over." Interrupted Leader draining the last of the cup.
"He looked pretty happy when he heat-HIC-I mean, heard it." Itachi wined. "Don't blame me, he's dumb. And damnit Kakuzu get out of my fucking emo corneeerrrr!"
"You sure are whiney for an Uchiha." Kakuzu answered, rubbing his eyes. "Damn Tobi this floor sure is clean."
"I clean it daily!" Warbled Tobi proudly.
"Uh. Kakuzu-san." Blue said suddenly, her eyes wide, looking into a bag.
Kakuzu looked up miserably. "Yeah?"
"Don't hit on my woman like that!" Roared the Leader shooting up looking lethal...and drunk.
"Why did you get these?" Then she held up the box of pads, looking furious.
"Oh those are for Deidara-sempai!" Explained Tobi enthusiastically. "It's to fix his natural problem! It's a good thing Kakuzu told me."
Blue looked at Kakuzu again who looked terrified of receiving a woman's wrath. "No...No don't drag me into it! I had nothing to do with it!"
"Go get 'em babe!" Roared Pein.
"Oh I will." Konan cracked her knuckles.
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Author's Note: Lol. Drunk Itachi is funneh XD
Lord Tobi, sixteen hundred? D: Way to ruin Kakuzu.
Hey, just have to say, thanks for reading! You guys rock! XD You guys are also making me become greedy for reviews, lol.
This story is getting so random and messed up but I still like writing it! You would or would not probably know how hard it is to write on Tobi's perspective . , he's unpredictable!
Just to let you know the story's seeping close to the grand finale. I'm feeling:( and :)
Hmmmm…I think that's all I have to say for now. OH WAIT! Manga Spoiler/Rumor: Blue's name is revealed in next chapter I believe. Her name is Konan and she does origami jutsus! At least that's what I picked of from NarutoFan and Deviantart. Lol, she kicks ass! XD Origami kunoichi!
See you next chuppie!!!!!!!!