"Don't tell me to calm down, Nyall! Do you realize how badly this will reflect on all of us?"
Belladonna's shrill voice came floating through the thick door I was leaning against, listening in on the supposedly secret conversation everyone else was having.
About me.
"On all of us? What are you talking about?" That voice was Bertlynn's, and by the sound of it he was stuffing his face.
Obviously, I'm not at the top of his list of concerns.
"She's completely unstable! All of Panem witnessed that yesterday when she ran off stage!" Belladonna practically shouted. Discretion was obviously not her strong suit.
"She's not unstable." Nyall's calm voice came floating through the door, sounding soothing even from a distance. I could practically imagine him sitting calmly in a tub chair, his face emotionless as usual.
"I beg to differ. I think she's unstable." This voice was Cato's, and it sounded less than friendly.
"And you know everything, Cato. Don't you?" Nyall's voice said, holding an unfamiliar edge. It made me wince, backing away from the door ever so slightly.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Cato snapped, his voice booming.
They really must think I'm a heavy sleeper.
Either that or their hearing needs checked.
"I think we both know what it means, Cato." Nyall's voice said, the train car otherwise getting eerily quiet. I backed away from the door, not wanting to listen anymore.
I can only hear how unstable I am for so long before it gets irritating.
…
Even if it is just a tad true.
I made my way down the very dimly lit corridor, the scenery flying past in the windows lining the far wall. It was dark out, probably an hour or so past midnight. I needed air.
This train, with these people, is all too much at the moment.
Or most of the time.
I made my way to the very back of the train, stepping out onto the small landing. I leaned out a bit so the air could hit my face, my hands holding onto the cool metal railing. Only the soft humming of the train could be heard, mixed in with the sound of wind.
It was soothing, in a way.
I wiggled my toes a bit, taking a deep breath of the air. It smelled fresher here, less like metal and factory smog from District Three.
District Three.
I missed it, more than I thought I would. Honestly, I always had a bit of distaste for my District. Everyone was always at least a little dirty with grease or dirt, and a smoggy haze always filled the sky at the end of the workday.
Everything was always dirty.
But that was what made it special, I suppose.
Messy, but special.
I sighed, running a hand through my slightly damp hair, it still drying from my late shower. I was dressed in a pair of gray loose pants, and a black tank top, some slippers covering my feet.
I allowed my mind to drift to the one person who was still waiting for me to come back to District Three.
Zander.
I bit my bottom lip at the thought of him seeing me run off stage yesterday. He was surely watching, but I knew he wouldn't judge me.
Of all the people in Panem, he would be the one who wouldn't judge me.
I missed him.
…
A lot.
"You shouldn't be out here with wet hair. You'll get sick."
I turned my head around quickly, jumping a bit at the voice. Nyall stood leaning against the now closed door to the train, staring at me. I hadn't even heard him come out here.
"You scared me." I mumbled, turning back around to stare out at the dark night sky. The wind blew some of my hair away from my face, bits of it sticking to my skin.
"How much did you hear?" Nyall's calm voice asked, him stepping beside me at the railing. I trailed my eyes over to him, his eyes focused out on the passing scenery.
His dark hair was slicked back, per its usual, and his eyes were narrowed slightly in a focused gaze outwards. He was dressed simply in a black satin suit, it dark against his ghastly pale skin.
"Not too much." I replied, not bothering to lie.
We both know he can see right through me.
We were both silent for a few moments, simply staring out at the night. I could only imagine how odd it must be for Nyall, seeing trees and stars instead of the bright colors and lights of the Capitol.
"They weren't right, you know. None of them." Nyall said, his voice a bit soft. I turned my gaze towards him, my body remaining still. "Right about?"
"Being unstable."
I cringed slightly at the word.
It made me sound as if I was an old, broken machine, not a human being.
Not someone that could be fixed.
"What makes you think I'm not?" I asked in a quiet tone, almost a whisper, in fact. When Nyall didn't answer right away, I questioned if he had heard me.
Or maybe he really does think you are.
"What makes you think you are?" He asked, turning finally to look at me. His large hands gently lifted up and rested on my bare shoulders, his thumbs brushing my collarbones. " Because that's what Cato thinks?"
I shifted my gaze away, turning my head back out to look at the passing scenery. I swallowed a small lump in my throat, croaking out my weak come back. " Everyone else does too, Nyall. It's not just him."
Nyall shook his head, lifting a hand to my chin and turning my face back towards him. "Not everyone."
I couldn't help but let a small smile tug at my lips as he said this, a small twinkle in his eye at my reaction. "You can't let him have so much control over you."
For a moment, I froze up, thinking he was speaking of Snow. How could he possibly have found out about our arrangement? He couldn't have?
…
Could he?
"Who?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. I silently thanked myself for not letting my voice waver. Him questioning me was the last thing I needed at the moment.
"Cato, Aria." He said with a sigh, as if it was the most obvious thing in the entire world.
A small wash of relief washed over me, only for another layer of uneasiness pile on. "I don't know what you mean, Nyall. Cato doesn't control me."
What a lie.
"He does and you know it, Aria. One moment the boy is head over heels, the next he's breaking your heart into a crumpled mess. He's dangling your emotions around on a thread. "
I shifted my gaze around his face a bit, opening my mouth to speak. "How did you – "
"You two weren't exactly quiet that day on the train, Aria. Besides that, I'm not as much of an idiot as Belladonna seems to be."
This time, we both smiled, falling into another calm silence.
It didn't last very long.
"I don't know why you're still hanging onto him, Aria."
I snapped my eyes back to his from where they were wandering, my throat tightening a bit. " I have too." I whispered, staring into Nyall's eyes.
"What makes you say that?"
"Because, if I let go of Cato, then I'm letting go of the last bit of the old Aria I have left. Because, if I loose Cato now, I'm going to loose him for good. Forever." I slowly got out, my head tilting down to look at the floor.
It was true, that I didn't want to loose Cato. I clung to him like there was no tomorrow when he let me, even if he was one of the reasons I was in this state.
My emotions were confusing me more than he was, sometimes.
"Trust me, Aria. If you let it go, you may be surprised how much of you will become present again. Just, give it a thought, yes?" With that, Nyall leaned down, pecking my forehead, before walking back into the train, shutting the door softly behind him.
I turned back out towards the passing scenery, my mind racing with thoughts I couldn't quite figure out at the moment. I was confused.
Hell.
I was way past confused and all the way to flabbergasted.
And the only thing I wanted to do right now, was sleep.
Sleep and not dream of him.
[-]
"No!" I shouted, jumping up in my bed, my body sweating profusely. I panted heavily, looking around quickly for any sign of the snake eyed man torturing me in my dream.
Snow.
He was becoming more and more prominent in them, lately.
Much to my dismay.
"Aria? Are you okay?" Cato's voice came, him walking into the room, not bothering to ask.
Not that I particularly minded, either way.
"I-I'm fine." I stuttered out, my heart still slowing down from the flooding feeling of terror previously coursing through my veins. Cato rose an eyebrow at me, crossing his arms over his chest as he stood in front of me at the end of the bed.
"Yeah, you seem fine." He said in a sarcastic manner, obviously referring to my disheveled state. I shifted a bit in my bed, self consciously wiping at my sweaty forehead.
You can't let him have so much control over you.
Nyall's words rang out through my mind, my hand immediately lowering back down to my side. "I am, Cato. And I think you should go." I say with as much strength as I could.
I wanted him to stay, I did. More than anything else I have ever wanted. I wanted him to hold me and stroke my back. I wanted him to whisper that everything would be okay into my ear.
I wanted him to love me.
But that's never going to happen, Aria.
Cato doesn't love you.
He never did.
He never will.
"What?" Cato asked after a few moments, his eyes burning holes into the top of my head, as I was staring down at the bed sheets, trying desperately to hold it together.
His voice sounded slightly strained. I couldn't tell if it was from pain or annoyance.
But I think we both know which one it was.
"Go, Cato. You don't have to keep being nice to me, okay? I can handle this on my own." The words slipped from my lips so easily it almost scared me. I was becoming such a professional at lying.
I forced myself to look up at Cato, his face masking any trace of emotion. I swallowed the growing lump in my throat, biting my lip as his eyes narrowed down into a harsh glare.
"Fine, Aria. If you want to be alone, have it your way. You're alone."
With that, Cato turned, stomping from the room at a fast pace, before slamming the door shut.
As soon as I heard the click, I let my emotions take over, my body shaking as his words rang through my mind over and over again.
You're alone.
You're alone.
You're alone.
I curled into a ball, letting the tears silently slip down my face. I forced my eyes shut, reminding myself of what Nyall said about how this was for the best.
I could only hope he was right.
[-]
Hiiii! Sorry for the longer wait for the update. Honestly, college is a bit hectic! Plus, my laptop doesn't have word, so I'm working on getting used to the system on there!
Since you lovely readers waited so long, I'm going to try and update Sunday, but if not, I defiantly will post one next Friday night
That reminds me, we've reached the 100 reviews mark! Wooo! Were only 5 chapters in guys! You never cease to amaze me!
As promised, I pmed to all the long reviews, unless they didn't do a pm or weren't logged in! Thank you to everyone who reviewed and please keep them coming!
I will once again be replying personally to the long reviews, soooo yeah
Sooo I took into account what a lot of people felt Aria should do, and a majority of you were along the same lines of me. This chapter was kinda depressing to write, for me, but trust me when I say the next couple of chapters will be a bit more exciting.
Let's just say it reminds me a bit of the Cato / Aria times from back in Behind Enemy Lines :P
On that note, I will end this really long authors note! Haha, thanks again!
Love you guys! Becca (: