Note: Does anyone ever read these?

Chapter Twelve: Restless

I lay awake in bed, staring intently at the ceiling. How on earth could anyone sleep after what had happened earlier that day? That was a fish-load of information to sink in. Not only did I have to decide if divorce was a good idea, I had to decide if Jamie was a good husband.

The easy answer to that was no. And yet, I found myself strangely comfortable to the idea.

The baby within me kicked and I groaned in pain. There were two things that bothered me about being pregnant: when the baby kicked, and when he hiccupped. You can feel it, believe it or not. They were small reminders that a living human being lay within me. But that thought frightened me.

This child would need caring, safety, and love. I could barely take care of myself, and now I was supposed to bring a little boy into the world? It was laughable. I wanted so badly to be a good mother, but I knew that someone like me would only screw up his life.

Heck, I screwed up my own life.

I had asked Jamie what he would do about the baby if we were married.

"What do you think about boarding school?" had been his reply.

Boarding school? What the fish?!? There was no way I was shipping the child off somewhere he wouldn't be loved. I had agonized over what to do, and I had reached a glum conclusion:

I would have to give complete custody to Ray.

What else could I do? Ray would certainly love our baby and be a better parent than I ever could. Besides, if I did decide to marry Jamie, then I knew Jamie wouldn't treat my baby fairly. Jamie would resent him for being Ray's child. And as unfair as that was, it was Jamie's personality, take it or leave it.

I kicked off the covers and sat up, looking out the window. The sky was so clear, and the stars were shining so brightly. The rest of Flowerbud must be sleeping peacefully, I thought to myself. They had normal, happy, innocent lives. They didn't have to worry about divorce or custody or anything. They could sleep at night.

Oh fish, I hated my life.

How had all this happened? How had my normal city girl life spin out of control as soon as I moved here to Flowerbud, the most naive village in the whole fishing world?!? It was so unfair! I wanted nothing more than to run away, forget all about Jamie and Ray and this whole village.

But I couldn't.

When was the last time I had a decent night's sleep? Thinking it over, I realized it was during my first week of marriage with Ray. Somehow, that struck me as odd. Wasn't it my marriage's fault that I was so broken and confused? So why, knowing this, was that week not a restless one for me? And then it hit me.

I had wanted security.

I had wanted to know that my life was going to amount to something. To know that another human being would be dependent upon me. To know I had a future full of happiness, love, and a growing family.

Funny how our wishes turn on us in the end.

Marriage had seemed the perfect outlet for these gnawing desires within me. During that first week, my honeymoon, I had thought I had finally filled that chasm of loneliness within me. And yet now, here I was, still longing for something. I wasn't sure what I was looking for anymore; it seemed I wasn't any better off than before I married Ray. If anything, I was more miserable.

Ah, irony.

What the question was now, of course, whether Jamie's love could truly satisfy me. I didn't want to make the same mistake as before; I didn't want to commit myself to someone who only made me lonelier. That would be like redoing everything I had gone through with Ray.

Giving up on sleep, I dressed myself and walked outside. I breathed in the humid air and thought with a sigh that summer was ending. What a hectic season it had been! Marriage, pregnancy, divorce, a second proposal? Sheesh. That was a lot to go through at once.

I pushed open the doors of the Moonlight Café and sat myself down by the counter.

"Long time no see, Harley. What do you want?" Duke asked me.

"Do you have anything that'll just knock me out?" I sighed.

"Ah, it's one of those days, is it?" Duke understood, going to the back. "Don't worry. I'll whip something up for you."

I slumped forward in my chair and laid my head on the counter, closing my eyes.

"Are you alright?" someone asked.

"No," I moaned, not looking up. "I'm perfectly miserable, thank you."

"Well, that makes two of us," the speaker agreed. I could hear him sit down beside me.

"I'm so insanely tired," I complained. "But I can't sleep. I worry too much."

"Worry? What do you mean?" the voice questioned concernedly.

I laughed.

"What is there not to worry about? My life is officially going down-hill. You know, I'm sick of screwing things up for myself. I wish I could do something right for once. Make a good decision, you know?"

"I'm sure it's not as terrible as you think," he assured me. "I'm sure…that you're happy, deep down."

"Happy? You're talking to the wrong girl," I retorted.

"Haven't your choices made you happy?" he exclaimed in surprise.

"No," I whispered, "they haven't." There was a long pause. "Have you ever…really regretted something?" I inquired, propping my chin up on my arms. "I mean, really, really regretted it?"

"I think we've all felt that way," he mused. "But some things are out of our control."

"That's the problem," I sighed. "I have too much control. I don't know what to do with it all. I'm afraid I'll mess up."

"I think, Harley, that you should do whatever it takes for you to be truly happy with yourself and your life. Take it from me, you don't need to do what you feel people expect of you…just to be happy. Because, happiness is something we can only find inside ourselves, you know?"

"Wow. That's deep," I whispered, sitting up.

"Here you go, Harley," Duke called out, placing a fizzy drink of questionable color in front of me. "It's a real doozy. Are you sure you want to drink this while you're pregnant?"

Fish it all. I completely forgot about that.

"What a waste…" I muttered, pulling out the payment for my undrinkable drink. A hand went over my own, holding money.

"Here. I'll pay."

I turned to finally see the speaker's face and gasped.

"It was nice seeing you, Harley," he smiled wearily, turning to leave. And I watched in suspended shock and disbelief as Ray, my husband, left the restaurant.