A Case of House and Holmes

By Michael Weyer

My apologies for a delay in updating, got caught up in a new BTVS/Star Wars crossover and "House of Strange" (shameless plug). But hoping to find time to update between them. All comments welcomed and thanks for keeping up with it.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx

I am by no means queasy around corpses. As a doctor, one must get used to dead people and especially when in the company of Holmes. However, spending time at a morgue is not among my favorite pastimes. I much prefer to help the living, not spend time among the dead.

While he has not said it clearly, I do suspect Holmes has spent time in such places before. Given his understanding of corpses, it seems little surprise he would wish to know more of the ways of death. But I could sense some unease given our circumstances.

We had returned to the hospital from Mycroft's club, House apparently intent on some task. As soon as we had returned, the man headed right for his fellow doctors and (in language I do not wish to repeat) demanded they get the bodies of the most recently departed down to the morgue for examinations. Thus our current and rather sobering surroundings.

Not that "sobering" seemed to have much effect on House.

"I hate doing autopsies of the English," he said, tapping his cane on the side of a table. "The teeth, the smell, the way that arrogance seeps out of the body when you cut it open…"

He was watching as Foreman opened the body of a man in his forties who had succumbed to the ailment earlier in the week. The rest of the team was around, all watching, Chase with a somewhat queasy expression on his face. Cameron, however, was rather intent on studying the body as Foreman began his examination.

"So…find anything yet?" House asked.

Foreman glared up at him. "I just started the examination."

House nodded slowly. "So…find anything yet?"

"It might help if we had an idea what we were looking for," Wilson pointed out from his spot near House.

House frowned at him. "That sort of defeats the entire purpose, now doesn't it?"

"Why am I the one doing this?" Foreman demanded. "Wilson is more experienced at this sort of work."

"Yes but you're intended to be used for dirty work the upper crust don't want to mess their hands with," House pointed out. "Just keep an eye out for anything clogging the lungs and heart tubes."

"Are you certain you can find some sort of clue this way?" Holmes asked. "The police already searched the bodies and their clothing."

"There's more than way to find a trace of where a person has been," House stated. "What I'm hoping to find is a trace of whatever was in that area that necessitated all these people dying."

I was baffled at that statement. "What do you mean? Trace of what?"

"Well, I'll know when I find it but obviously, there had to be some sort of element around that they wanted to keep hidden, right?" He shook his head at Holmes. "You sure this guy graduated medical school?"

I sputtered at that as Cameron spoke up. "House, do you know the difficulties in classifying something no one's heard of before?"

"Come on, look at the bright side, we get into the record books!" the doctor stated.

Foreman was doing his best to ignore the man as he kept checking the body. He seemed to frown as he probed the inside of the man's stomach with the knife. "I think I may have something."

He reached for a swab and dabbed it into the man's body. He held it up for us all to see it marked with a strange coloration. It appeared to be red at first but as he held it under the light, we could see it was actually closer to purple. House was rising to his feet and moving in to peer closely at it. "Hmm…now that sure doesn't belong."

Holmes reached to take the swab and brought it over to a nearby microscope. "Ah, that's hospital property, just so you know," House intoned. "You break it, you have to buy it."

Holmes frowned as he backed up. "Hmmm….I think I may need to run some experiments upon this at my home."

"We have a full lab here," Wilson piped up.

Holmes smiled. "Yes but my lab has some…unique items." Knowing of Holmes' travels as I have, I knew those items were of the type a hospital does not normally stock.

Foreman was confused. "If you have that sort of equipment, why didn't we do this here?"

Holmes made a show of mock indignation. "Cutting open a dead body in my dining room? Mrs. Hudson would have a fit. Do you know how difficult it is to find good help these days?" I wondered if it was possible Holmes was allowing House's influence to get to him.

"You can always hire Cameron," House intoned. "Sure her cooking stinks but she does a good job getting bloodstains out of tables." House stood up and moved to the rack nearby. "Well, let's get on the road then. Cameron, you're with me. The rest of you can clean this up."

"Wait, you're going with them?" Chase asked, obviously thrown.

"Yes, I am," House said as if talking to a fool. "You do hear well, don't you? This is your home country."

"I'm from Australia."

"Well, settled by English convicts," the doctor waved off. "Big diff."

"As I recall, your nation was originally used for a penal colony," I dryly pointed out.

"But unlike the Aussies, we kicked your asses," House stated as he shrugged on his coat. "Oh, and check out the other bodies, see if you can find that trace in them as well."

"How can we do that?" Wilson asked. "You know how hard it is to get a body exhumed with the families."

"You got a shovel and strong arms, use your imagination," House replied.

"That's illegal!" Chase protested. "And immoral!"

"Details, details. Good luck with it."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

While our earlier carriage ride back to Baker Street had been silent, our return visit was not as sedate. House and Cameron chose the occasion to get into an argument about the political situation in America, which I did my best to tune out. Holmes, I am sure, was listening but for myself, politics has been rather dull. Indeed, Holmes would be the first to point out how governments may come and go but the human condition remains the same.

We finally arrived back at Baker Street, disgorging from the carriage and heading inside. Mrs. Hudson was surprised to see our visitors. "Mr. Holmes, should I set out more places for dinner?"

"Depends on if you're cooking," House stated. "Because I've been subjected to the English style of 'cuisine' for quite a while and I think that's a key reason so many people rebel against you."

Holmes sighed. "Mrs. Hudson, this is Doctor House and his associate Dr. Cameron. They are assisting us in an investigation and-----"

"Enough of the dilly-dally and such!" House said as he started to limp up the stairs. "How about we break out the beakers and see what we can find, shall we?"

I gave Mrs. Hudson a sympathetic smile. "I could do with a light roast, nothing too fancy."

"Thank you for that, sir," the woman replied. "And you, my dear?"

Cameron smiled. "I might have a small slice." She sighed as she removed her cap and coat. "Sorry but House can be…infuriating and insulting."

Mrs. Hudson just smiled. "My dear young lady….believe me when I say I have ample experience with such an attitude."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I am aware that some may believe me a less than bright man. While I tend not to let my ego get the best of me, I would point out that compared to Holmes, most any man could come off as less intelligent. Thus, you can imagine my disconcertion at being around a man who could almost match Holmes in both intellect and arrogance.

They had been spending the last hour with Holmes' lab equipment, going over the sample using some experiments that frankly were beyond my comprehension of chemistry. Holmes was doing his best to keep his mind on the work while House subjected him to a series of biting comments I will not waste the print repeating.

House glanced over to where Cameron was studying a small slide with a trace of blood on it. "Find anything new yet?"

Cameron shook her head. "No, nothing unusual."

"No elevated tea levels?"

Holmes dropped some powder into a small vial filled with green liquid and put it over a burner. "Dr. House, I don't mind saying that your prejudices about our country are getting extremely annoying."

"Gee, that's too bad," House said as he leaned into a chair. "I actually think that compared to some of my country's leaders, I'm rather open-minded."

Cameron muttered something under her breath which I suspected was hardly ladylike. Mrs. Hudson entered to put a tray of tea on a nearby empty table. "Anything else I can get anyone?"

"A Scotch would be nice," House intoned.

"We don't keep Scotch around, sir," she answered patiently.

"Not much of a bed and breakfast then, are you?"

"I run a decent home, sir."

"Which means there's some ill repute going on. Come on, you don't have some secret suitors over when your boss goes out of town?"

Her face went red and she sputtered. "Sir, I will not have that language here!"

"I don't see a chain around your foot. Go on and leave."

She clenched her fists before spinning around and marching out of the room. Holmes scowled at House. "Do you understand how difficult it is keeping her mood steady already, sir? I do not need you adding more to her burdens."

"If she lives under the same roof as you, she's already burdened," Cameron remarked while looking at another slide. I had to look away, certain that I would be unable to hide a smile if I saw Holmes' expression.

When I looked back, Holmes was pouring the contents of the beaker into a small plate. He reached to shuffle a fork-like instrument through it and looked at it under his microscope. He stiffened suddenly and I instantly knew he had found something. "Look here," he said.

House leaned in to look and frowned deeply. "Hmm…now that's downright peculiar."

"What is?" I asked.

"Funny, I didn't think it'd be this easy to catch like this," House stated.

"Catch what?" Cameron asked.

"I have some selective methods," Holmes stated.

"I can see that. Mind if I borrow some of these sometime?"

"I do as a matter of fact."

"What is it?" Cameron asked.

"Oh, come on, can't you spare a few sets?"

"Holmes, what have you found?" I asked.

"This is highly selective equipment!" Holmes snapped.

"That's good, I'm a highly selective man."

Cameron glanced over to me. "So he just tends to keep his discoveries to himself too?"

"Until he's ready to reveal them," I confirmed. "He'll deny it but Holmes has a very theatrical side to himself."

Cameron sniffed. "Don't start on actors. One thing we all have in common is that we prefer the English theater scene to America."

"Any reason?"

"Having an actor assassinate your President puts a damper on the scene there."

"Hey," House called out. "You two want to keep talking or are you interested in what we have to say?"

I shared a look with Cameron that told me we each knew how the other felt. "What is it?" I asked.

Holmes backed up to light his pipe. "This substance contains some traces of laudanum."

Both Cameron and I reacted to that. Laudanum, for those not knowledgeable, is a key ingredient in opium, one of the reasons it is misused as a narcotic. "So…there was opium there?" Cameron asked.

"It appears that way," House stated as he leaned back. "But this means it was inhaled somehow, which shouldn't be possible."

Holmes paused. "Unless…someone was transporting the pods and somehow they were released."

For once, I was able to grasp what Holmes was saying. "The spores from the flowers would have spread in that area, inhaled by the people. The effects wouldn't be as dramatic but might have manifested somehow."

"Thus they had to eliminate all witnesses to prevent their operations being discovered," Holmes concluded.

"But why use the curare?" Cameron asked. "There had to be more efficient ways to do it."

Holmes sat in his chair and puffed on his pipe. "That shall require some more thought." He took several puffs as silence reigned, giving Holmes the opportunity to let his amazing mind try to put the clues together.

Naturally, it didn't last long.

"So is that a no on borrowing the set or what?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sorry for the long delays, hopefully not as long until the next one.