Final official chapter! There will be an epilogue. Yay story!
Just A Stupid Crush
Chapter 15
Sirius's POV
A chilly breeze was sweeping through the grounds, but as I sat by the lake, I hardly took notice. All I could do was smile because of what I held in my hand. It was cold and wet and had a distinct lake smell, but it was the hair band I took from Hermione all the same. I vowed at this moment that I would never let it leave me again. It took a few attempts to summon it out of the lake since I didn't know exactly where it was, but I couldn't be happier to have it back. It felt like a part of her was back with me.
I shook my head sadly. I really messed things up this time. I wouldn't blame her if she never forgave me. I don't deserve her or her forgiveness, but I have to at least try to make it all right again. I knew that I could never replace her and I had never really tried to. I guess I just thought that having another girl around would help ease the pain of not being able to have the one I really wanted. But I did realize that being with another girl is absolutely nothing compared being with Hermione and I don't know why I was trying to convince myself that the comparison would even be on the same scale. I doubted if there was another woman anywhere that would ever make me feel the same as I do around Hermione.
Thinking back on it, I can't imagine how I could have just ignored her the way I did. I was angry with Dumbledore for forcing us apart and I took it out on her. Every stolen glance in her direction was enough to bring more pain to my heart than I've ever felt before, for two reasons. The first was quite obvious. I couldn't have her. Looking at her reminded me of what I could not have. The second was because she had looked so sad and I couldn't bear to see her look that way. I can't believe that I could mean that much to any one person to make them look as sad as Hermione did. And yet it killed me to know that I was the one who caused that sadness. Perhaps if I hadn't ignored her, if we could have acted more like friends, just until she graduates, maybe she wouldn't have looked so miserable.
I have to fix things. I can't be without her. I don't know what I would do without her. I put her hair band back onto my wrist and set off towards the castle. I needed a plan.
I watched and waited for the next few days. I stopped caring whether she saw me looking at her or not. But now as an interesting turn of events, she's completely ignoring me. Not that I could possibly blame her, of course. I know she's realized that I've stopped ignoring her completely now because in addition to the increasingly depressed look about her, she also seems to have a confused look as well, although anytime I look at her, she refuses to meet my eyes. This discourages me a lot, but I can't expect her to come running back into my arms because I'll look at her now.
I need to talk to her, but for some reason I've never been more frightened to do anything in my whole life.
Hermione's POV
So he'll look at me now. Fine, whatever. I'm confused as to what changed, but it doesn't matter. He's still the one who broke my heart so fiercely. I don't really care what he does. I won't go back to him. I won't let him give me the false hope that it'll never happen again. I'll have to guard the broken remains of my heart more carefully than ever before.
It will take awhile to forget about him and maybe I never will. But I have to try. I was pacing around my room when I noticed a stack of parchment lying on my desk. Not being able to remember what was contained in this pile, I decided to sit down and look through it. I quickly realized it was all the information I had gathered about university and the documents I needed for it. I knew what I would find at the bottom of this pile, but couldn't stop myself from going through each page until I reached it. First, I reached Professor McGonagall's letter of recommendation. I stared at it for a moment before slowly flipping to the next page which was Sirius's letter. It seemed like so long ago that I had asked him to write this for me. I felt the tears starting to well up and hated myself for what I was about to do. I read through the letter.
To Whom It May Concern:
I have been teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts for two years, including this year, at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and it is with great enthusiasm and confidence that I recommend Hermione Granger for admission to your university.
In class, Hermione works extremely hard to master difficult and challenging concepts and is always willing to help another student to understand as well. She is a diligent worker and is eager to work as a team to complete challenging problems. I believe that Hermione has the academic ability and drive necessary to do anything she wishes in the future, especially if that includes receiving a degree from your university.
Hermione was named Head Girl for her final year at Hogwarts and as a professor, I highly recommended her to the Headmaster for the position. She was a clear and obvious choice with her strong leadership qualities and her overall well-roundedness. Hermione is polite and carries on intelligent and meaningful conversations which I will miss when she graduates in June.
Hermione is well liked and respected by both the faculty and her peers. Her personality, sense of humor, and sensitivity make her an asset to any class, and I believe to your university as well.
I strongly recommend, without hesitation, Hermione Granger.
Sincerely yours,
Sirius Black
Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
The tears were rolling down my checks and were narrowly missing landing on the parchment I held in front of me. I had read this letter more times than I could count after I had first received it from him. At the time, I had especially enjoyed the part where he wrote that I was polite and carried on intelligent and meaningful conversations which he would miss when I graduate. It's been so long since I've even looked at this. I wanted to smile and pretend that everything was okay, but at the same time I wanted to crumple the letter into a ball and set fire to it. I settled for just setting it aside. In time I'll destroy it, but right now my heart doesn't have the strength. I went and sat by my window, staring out into the grounds, deeply lost in thought.
Over the next few days, I knew Sirius was trying to catch my eye, but I wouldn't allow it. I couldn't do that to myself or to him, for it would be a weakness on my part and give him a false hope.
When I wouldn't meet his eyes, I knew he would eventually approach me. For some reason I just wasn't quite expecting it to happen when I went for yet another walk around the grounds. It was just after dinner, the sun was just setting, and a cold chill could still be felt in the air, though with a promise of warmer days to come. I heard his voice before I saw him. It seems like it has been so long since I heard that voice say my name and I remember how at one point this would have sent a chill down my spine and a smile across my face. Now, however, it only made my heart sink.
"Hermione," he called. "Mione, please wait." I stopped walking, but did not turn around. I could hear his footsteps getting closer and closed my eyes to prepare myself for the pain that was about to come.
"Please, Sirius. Don't do this," I said softly to him. "Just let me be."
"I will, I promise," he said. I wasn't expecting this and I turned to face him. The confusion must be evident on my face. "Just hear me out and I promise after that, I'll leave you alone if you wish."
I wasn't sure that I could bear to hear whatever he was going to say, but I nodded anyway, allowing him to continue. A grateful look appeared in his eyes.
"I know you're mad at me and you have every right to be. What I did to you was wrong, every bit of it. Ignoring you was wrong. Pretending you didn't exist was wrong. Giving another person the attention that should have been all yours, was especially wrong. Everything I've done in the past month or two has been wrong. I cannot blame you in the least for being angry with me. I'm angry with myself for it. I didn't know what to do in response to Dumbledore telling us we couldn't be together. I chose the wrong path to take and I know I hurt you. I did so for selfish reasons. I hoped that by ignoring you, the pain that I felt would lessen somehow. But now I've learned that doing this to you has made me feel worse than I have ever felt before. I want to try to fix things with you, Hermione. I know I do not deserve anything from you, especially another chance, but I want you to allow me to try and make things right again. I've realized that I need you more than I could have ever realized before. I need you and, Hermione… I love you. If you don't want any part of this anymore or ever again, that's fine. I just wanted you to know this." He looked at me, nervously waiting for my reaction. The tears had cropped up in my eyes again and were falling slowly down my cheeks. He went to take a step towards me, but I shook my head and took a step away.
"Sirius, I can't," I said looking away from him. "You completely destroyed my heart and I can't just give it back to you in hopes that you'll put it back together without destroying it all over again. I'm sorry, but I can't do this. I thought that I knew you, Sirius Black, but now whenever I look at you, I'll only see a stranger because that's all you are to me now."
With these words, I turned and walked away from Sirius Black. He didn't call after me or come running after me. I wasn't sure I wanted him to.
Graduation
Sirius's POV
True to my word, I never bothered Hermione again after my confrontation with her. True to her word, she always looked at me as though she had never seen me before. She looked happy now, celebrating her graduation with all of her friends, though I noted that Ron wasn't anywhere around. I heard from Harry what had happened between them and it was difficult for me to restrain myself from cursing the living daylights out of him. However, I suppose I caused more damage to her than Ron ever did.
I waited until Hermione had left her friends before I went up to Harry, who had his arm around Ginny, to congratulate him.
"Congrats, Harry!" I said and put my arms out to hug my favorite godson. Okay, only godson, but I'm sure if I had another, he would still be my favorite. He took his arm away from Ginny and hugged me.
"Thanks, Sirius."
"I hear another congratulations is order for the both of you, huh? Getting married next year. James would be so proud," I told them and smiled fondly at Harry. He easily returned the grin and looked at Ginny, his bride to be, with love evident on his face. I won't tell you that I'm not a little jealous of them. Maybe someday I'll settle down myself, though my chances of that are becoming smaller by the day. I'm getting older and I'm pretty sure that the only woman I'll ever truly love will be Hermione. Harry gave me a worried look.
"Everything okay?" He asked.
I looked at Harry in what I'm sure must be a strange look; a mix between curiosity, hopefulness, and sadness. I asked him, "Is she happy, Harry?" He looked confused for a moment before registering who I was referring to.
"Yes, she's happy," he said smiling sadly at me. I nodded, thanked him, and walked away. This was all I needed to know. As long as she's happy, then I should be happy as well. I pulled my sleeve up and smiled fondly down at the hair band that was still around my wrist. True to my word, I'll keep it until she takes it away from me.
AN: Well, that's it. Almost. Don't forget that I said there will be an epilogue! Very important! You'll like the epilogue, I promise! I would like to get it up as soon as possible because while I would like to keep you in suspense for a little while, I don't want to drag it out too much. Give me a day or two and have it up. I'm so excited for it, it'll be so good! I hope this was a decent ending. I know it probably isn't what most people were looking for but... again, look for the epilogue. It's tempting just to give everything away, but I cannot. I feel like I've already given too much away. I hoped you liked this last official chapter and please let me know what you thought! I appreciate any feedback. It really does help me. Thank you so much for reading! Look for the epilogue! Give me feedback!
PadfootBlack4Ever