Chapter 5
The Doctor set the Tardis to take them back to UNIT's base.
"So what's our next step?" Martha asked.
"The Mannar have been messing with human DNA," the Doctor said leaning over to pull a lever. "I need to find a way to rewrite the genetic code back to normal."
"Can you do?" Martha asked.
He paused for a moment and looked at her, "I don't really have a choice do I."
"And how are we going to do that?"
"I should be able to create a formula, but since the DNA is mutating at such a rapid rate it might take a few tries first," he said.
The Tardis landed with a jolt and Martha turned and headed for the doors, but before she opened them she noticed the Doctor wasn't following her.
Martha stopped and turned around, "You coming?"
"No," the Doctor replied.
"So what are we doing here then?" Martha asked confused.
"I came to drop you off," the Doctor said.
"Wait what?"
"I need to do the rest alone," the Doctor stated.
"Why?" Martha said walking back towards the console.
The Doctor stared Martha in the eye. "How long have you been sick?"
Martha stopped and shifting her gaze away, "How did you know?"
"I can smell it on you," the Doctor said running his hands through his hair."I should have noticed it earlier, you reek of the stuff."
"Excuse me," Martha asked feeling inexplicably offended.
"You've smelt it on everyone else before, it's barely noticeable but it's there," the Doctor said.
Martha remembered that odd smell she had first mistaken as a weird perfume on Margret Forest, then when she found Steve Evans. She hadn't paid much attention to it in the hospital basement but she was sure it was there as well.
"I'm sick yes, but that doesn't mean I can't help," Martha replied.
"What symptoms do you have?"
"I'm just a little tired," Martha said dismissively.
"Anything else?" the Doctor prodded.
"It's not a big deal," Martha protested. "We need to focus on helping those women back at the hospital, and it will be quicker together."
"Martha," the Doctor reprimanded.
Martha hesitated but admitted, "Pain in my chest, shortness of breath, persistent migraines, a fever. Do you want me to go on?"
"Why didn't you say anything before?" the Doctor asked.
"Because you would have stuck me in the sick bay and gone off alone," she said.
"Do you really believe that?"
"I know I probably should have said something earlier, but telling you wouldn't have changed anything," Martha said.
"Did you think I wouldn't care? That I wouldn't want to know," the Doctor asked.
"It's clear you have enough worries on your mind or you wouldn't be alone now," Martha asserted.
Martha saw a dark look crossed his face again before he hid it. She walked across the console room and went to stand next to him.
"Doctor you've been acting weird, or weirder than unusual. I know something happened, I just wish you would tell me what."
He took a deep breath and said, "I lost them."
Seeing the look of horror on Martha's face he quickly said, "No they are alive but they're gone."
Martha didn't pressure him to continue but waited hoping he would open up to her.
The Doctor placed his hands in his pockets and blew out his cheeks. "Rose is back in the alternate universe with my other self. He needed her and she needed someone she could live her life with. I couldn't give her what she needed but he could."
Martha stared at him stunned. She thought what the Doctor always wanted was to have Rose with him again but instead he let her go again. Maybe she had been wrong or he didn't have a choice. She couldn't understand it.
Not knowing what to say Martha simply said, "I'm sorry,"
He gave her a weak smile, "She is with her family. She will be happy."
The Doctor didn't say it, but he knew sending her away was the best thing to do. Rose needed a reason to stay in the alternate universe and now she had one.
Martha sensed the Doctor would not say anything further so she hesitantly asked, "And Donna."
The Doctor looked at Martha with pain in his eyes. "She..," he began but stopped and looked down and fell silent.
Seeing the Doctor's pained expression Martha felt guilty. He didn't owe her an explanation and if he choose not to talk about it she needed to be okay with it.
Martha touched his arm and said, "It's okay you don't need to tell me."
"No you knew her too, you deserve to know," he said.
The Doctor closed his eyes and visualized Donna's tear soaked face pleading for him not to let her go back, begging him to stay. Donna was still alive but he could not save her. The guilt of failing her plagued him constantly, he had let her down. Now, he was so absorbed in his own grief that he couldn't see Martha, who was right in front of him, needed his help. He could stop the Mannar easy, but reversing the mess they had created was another matter. He couldn't guarantee Martha's life. The Doctor squeezed his eyes shut refusing to let any tears fall.
"When you last saw her," he began, "She had a Time Lord's mentality. But a human brain was never meant to hold all that knowledge. It was killing her." The Doctor paused again. "The only way I could save her was to take away her memories of me and the time we spend together. And she can never remember, not for a single moment or she'll die. I had no choice, I couldn't watch her die," the Doctor said choking on the last statement.
Martha wrapped her arms around the Doctor's waist hugging him. She didn't say anything. She knew he didn't need words; he just needed her to be there. To know he wasn't alone.
The Doctor pulled Martha against his chest and rested his head on top of hers. The pain of losing Donna felt like a scar his hearts could not mend, but opening up to Martha was comforting. Having her with him was quelling the tide of anguish which has consumed him thus far. He held her welcoming the feeling of calm which settled on him by having someone he could trust implicitly close to him again
Eventually Martha said, "I wish you had said something to me then. You didn't have to be alone."
"You'd moved on, you had a life. I couldn't ruin it again not after what happened the last time," the Doctor said.
"Doctor I would do anything for you," Martha confessed.
"I know." In barely a whisper the Doctor said, "I'm sorry Martha."
Martha pulled away from him and looked up into his face, "You have nothing to apologize for."
"I do," he said lowering his head remorsefully. "I have so much I need to apologize for. We traveled together and I made you feel unimportant. You were never just a one time traveler, I always know those who will travel with me I just do. I could always see you were brilliant and amazing. Instead of telling you that I treated you horribly and it took you leaving me to see how wrong I was. But by then it was too late. I never said, but I'm sorry."
Martha again felt at a loss for words. There was once a time she had longed for such validation and though she pretended it didn't matter, it did.
"Thank you, but that's in the past now," Martha answered.
"It's not as I'm clearly doing it again," the Doctor confessed. "But I'm going to make this right, but first I need to leave you here."
"But I can help you," Martha protested.
"What I need to do will take time, time you don't have," the Doctor stated.
Despite feeling compelled to stay with him, Martha knew he was right. "I'll stay but only under one condition."
"What?"
"You test the formula on me first," Martha said firmly.
"I can't do that," the Doctor said.
"It's not your choice I'm volunteering," Martha said.
"The first time I try it, it will be risky," he said.
"That's why it has to be me."
The Doctor still looked at her doubtful.
"It will be fine, I trust you," Martha said confidently. "You just hurry back mister."
Martha hugged him again and headed for the Tardis doors without looking back. Once outside she turned around and stood to watch the Tardis dematerialized.
Her ears filled with the whrooping sound of the Tardis engines as Commander Shaw came to stand beside her. Silently they watched it disappear.
"Where is he going?" the Commander asked.
Martha released a breath she never knew she was holding and turned to face the him, "I guess you need updating on a few things."