I wake with the bed next to me empty. I have no idea what time of the day it is, since I'd neglected to put a clock on the bedside stand. I start to get up, and realize I'm naked. All the memories rush back to me, and I realize. I am no longer a virgin, and I'm 99% sure I regretted sleeping with Peeta.
He had said he loved me, but the problem is, no matter how deeply I care for him, I can't return his words. There are still so many things left unresolved in my life I can't be with someone romantically. Maybe the best thing to do is pretend nothing happened of any significance and go on as usual.
I slip a robe on and make my way down the stairs. I can tell Peeta is baking bread; the smell is delicious and I know it's nut bread.
A vision of a younger Peeta throwing me burned bread flashes before my eyes. He is still taking care of me.
He hears the disturbance in the silence and turns to smile at me widely, "Oh, Katniss, you look radiant," he comes to me with arms extended, "Come here." His arms wrap around me and I embrace him back stiffly. It's best to pretend us having sex never happened. I have nothing to offer him and he would do well to find a more suitable girl. Someone who didn't trigger flashbacks that made him want to kill her.
"Peeta-I-"
He cuts me off, backing away and pointing to the table, "There's bacon and eggs and cheese buns on the table, and I have nut bread baking now. That should be done soon. Then, we can head down to the importer and get some meat."
I take a large breath, "I would rather go out hunting today, Peeta, if that's alright with you."
He looks a little bewildered at first, then hangs the bowl on the chair, placing his hands on his hips, "Well, of course, Katniss. I think it would be good for you to get out and get some fresh air."
I nod vacantly, grabbing a cheese bun, ripping it apart, and eating it in pieces as I meander around the pastel yellow kitchen.
The act of ripping the bun apart reminds me of dunking pieces of roll in hot chocolate. I begin to crave chocolate.
I finish the cheese bun in silence, then make my way to the door and slip my boots on and grab my bow. I really needed to get out and think more than anything. Peeta and I had had sex, and I know I wasn't ready and it was simply the need of closeness to somebody, anybody, that made me so desperate enough to have sex with him. Except if I were to tell him that, it would most certainly break his heart. He gave me everything and I hold his delicate heart in the palm of my hand.
As I'm walking through the woods, I think of Gale. Every time I come out here I wish he was with me. Not even because I care to be around him. Just so things can feel somewhat normal again. But what is normal? The games killing 24 children a year? Why do I long for such a dark normal? Perhaps because then Prim was alive. I was simply a girl who provided for her family. A girl with meaning in her life. Now all I am is an empty shell, void of purpose or happiness.
Every time Prim got a new meal placed in front of her that I caught or gathered or shot or traded for, her face lit up like I'd just given her a million dollars. She was so young and innocent, and in a way murdered by the games anyway. I didn't protect her like I should have. By my volunteering, it started the spiral of events that would eventually lead to her death. Either way the 74th Hunger Games killed her. Took away the young promising life she should have had. I will never forgive myself for letting her slip away. I wonder often if the revolution was worth it. I think it would take 2,000 more Hunger Games to kill off the amount of people who lost their lives in the war. Daily life hasn't really changed. This country is now so desolate many are still starving. Yes, we are free, but how long can that last? History is known for recycling itself.
I go to our usual spot. I breathe in, closing my eyes. When I open them, I nearly jump out of my skin. I think I need to call Dr. Aurelius when I reach home.
Gale sits down next to me, putting an arm around my shoulders, "Hey, Catnip."