"Don't look at the paper," Ron swept the Daily Prophet behind his back as Harry unkinked his muscles and emerged from his sofa cushion cocoon.
"Why not," he grumbled, stalking to the teapot and pouring a cup.
"You're not going to like it."
"Harry, don't look at the paper," Hermione and Ginny came tumbling through the Floo and landed in a tangled heap on the hearth rug.
"I assume I won't like it," Harry said as dryly as he could at this hour.
"It's bad," Hermione said.
"Really bad," Ginny added.
"Let me see."
Three pairs of eyes stared at him.
"Fucking hell!" Harry shouted, then cursed a blue streak at the lot of them. When he paused for breath Ron thrust the paper into his hands.
"It had to have been that Necromancer tosser," Ginny spat. "Necromancer's Code, my arse."
Front page center, a story by Rita Skeeter. Headline: Horned Hero Humps Healer! It was so close to what he had imagined, yet somehow so much worse.
Plastered in the middle of the page was the photo of Harry and Draco in front of the Christmas tree in the Hogsmeade town square. The article speculated that Harry's antler hat was actually disguising actual-factual antlers, and that he was sleeping with with his Healer, former Death Eater Draco Malfoy, who was a notorious non-human creature sympathizer with ethical charges in his past.
Below that story was an even worse one. Healer Shacks Up With Patient, Charges Filed, License Suspended. And of course it was followed by a story about Draco.
"That's not fair," Harry protested. "I didn't even kiss him until two days ago."
His three friends stared blankly at him. Ron cleared his throat and pursed his lips, an unformed question dying before he could ask it.
"Yes, I kissed Draco Malfoy," Harry rolled his eyes. "I couldn't help it."
"Did he kiss you back?" Hermione asked. Ron winced.
"Yes."
"Then," Hermione shifted her weight from foot to foot. "Then it doesn't really matter when the photo was taken or if the story is made up. Because ultimately the accusation is true."
"You know that's not the full story," Harry said. "It's never been that simple with Malfoy and me. There's history there. I'm not just any patient."
"What are you going to do?" Ginny asked, for once not making a joke at his expense.
"I need to find out if it's true, if he's really in trouble," Harry grabbed his invisibility cloak and Disapparated.
He landed just outside of Draco's home but was unable to get near the front steps. The sidewalk was crawling with reporters and photographers and Ministry officials. Draco stood on the top step, looking pristine in his white coat with his blond forelock tucked behind his ear. As Harry watched the Ministry Healer, Mr Chest Pain himself, made a show of serving Draco with papers, amidst the flash and crackle of camera bulbs.
Harry Disapparated back home and went straight to his bedroom where he trashed everything he owned and ended up with clothing and torn sheets and a desk lamp tangled in his antlers.
He slumped to the floor and stared at his feet, his perfectly normal, totally unspectacular feet. Why couldn't the rest of his body take a lesson from his feet? And why couldn't his sodding Patronus just get the hell out?
"Harry," Ron stuck his head into the room and politely didn't comment on the mess. "I just got a call from Kingsley. I told him you were indisposed so he said he would call back in an hour."
"Okay," Harry didn't look up.
"Listen, mate," Ron crept in and gently unwound the linens and lamp cord from Harry's rack. "You know the Prophet publishes lies. Everyone knows that. Maybe you just need to cast doubt on what they said."
"By showing up in public with antlers to prove I don't have antlers?" Harry asked. "Besides, that doesn't get Malfoy out of hot water."
"What if," Ron hesitated. "I mean you've continued seeing the Ministry Healer, right? Couldn't you deny that you were seeing Malfoy?"
"They have a photo," Harry said.
"They have a photo of you hanging out as mates," Ron said. "Who could prove you've been seeing him as a Healer?"
"I told the Ministry Healer that I spoke to Malfoy about the horns," Harry said. "He's the one bringing charges, all because of me."
"Did you say explicitly that you were under his care?
"No," Harry thought back. "I said I spoke to him. And then he told me Malfoy doesn't take human cases."
"There's your out," Ron pointed. "Tell Kingsley that the Ministry Healer misunderstood. Remind him that Malfoy couldn't be your healer because he doesn't take human cases."
"You think that would work?"
"It's worth a try." Ron nodded.
"What about the Rita Skeeter article?" Harry climbed to his feet. "The one that claims the antlers are real and Malfoy and I are involved?"
"I don't know, mate," Ron gave him a lopsided smile. "That kind of truth is harder to deny."
Harry decided not to wait for Kingsley's call. He stepped through the Floo into the Minister's waiting room and politely ignored the gawking stare of the administrative assistant at the front desk. With as much dignity as he could summon he sat in a chair and leafed through a magazine, with a casual demeanor that said, Antlers? What antlers?
Kingsley showed up about ten minutes later and hauled up short at the sight of him. He invited Harry into his office and took a moment to simply stare in awe at his majestic rack.
"I swallowed my Patronus, sir," Harry said. "Stanley Steubens cast a Reflecto Patronum at me and it caused my body to consume my spirit animal."
"Did Healer Malfoy determine that?" Kingsley's demeanor became very grim very quickly.
"I've not been seeing Healer Malfoy," Harry said. "I've been seeing Draco Malfoy on and off, but Chesterton Payne is my Healer."
"Potter."
"Of course I've mentioned it to him," Harry continued. "I've also mentioned it to Hermione Granger. You remember her."
"Indeed."
"In fact she's the one who made the connection between my Patronus and these," he gave his right antler a quick tug. "But you can check, I've been seeing the Ministry Healer regularly, as regularly as he requests. Please call off the investigation and return Draco's license."
Kingsley sat back in his chair and threaded his fingers together.
"Unless it's unethical for me to discuss my health with friends," Harry said. "In which case I'm guilty and you would have more people to investigate. But I don't think that's a crime, is it?"
"Indeed," Kingsley said again. He swished his wand once and spoke into the air. "Madeline, please summon the Ministry Healer to my office."
Harry's heart beat fast. If Kingsley doubted him, he would defer judgement to Chest Pain and the man had already admitted that he disapproved of Draco's practice. But if he believed Harry, he had the power to call the investigation off. And then the Prophet could print a retraction and everything could be okay. Assuming Draco would ever speak to him again.
"You wanted to see me, sir?" The Ministry Healer appeared in the doorway and noticed Harry immediately.
Kingsley asked him to sit and then had Harry explain his relationship with Draco Malfoy once again. The Healer frowned and shook his head, not at all interested in hearing it.
"Sir, why would I entrust my care to someone who doesn't take wizard cases?" Harry asked. "You said yourself he's taken on, well, how many wizard cases did you say?"
"Zero," the man glared at him.
"Exactly," Harry checked Kingsley's face. That piece of information was the clincher.
"Besides," Kingsley added, "why should Mister Potter require the services of another Healer when you are managing his care? One would wonder whether one of our top Aurors is getting the proper care he needs if he has to seek additional opinions."
"Of course, sir," the Ministry Healer stammered. "I have been managing his care personally, with regular appointments to discuss his ongoing treatment options."
"In light of this information, what do you propose with regards to Healer Malfoy?" Kingsley asked.
"The investigation should reveal-"
"Hold on. On what grounds do you now base your investigation?"
"On Healer Malfoy's ethical..." The Ministry Healer's voice petered out. He glared at Harry and pulled himself up straight. "Sir I believe I have grounds-"
"If you had grounds before these allegations why was no investigation launched?" Kingsley asked. "I won't tolerate opportunistic inquiries within the Department of Magical Maladies."
"Yes sir," the Ministry Healer's shoulders slumped. "I will withdraw the investigation."
"You will make a public statement to that effect today," Kingsley said. "And ensure a retraction is published in the paper before the evening edition."
"Yes sir." The Healer pressed a hand over his sternum and grimaced.
"Chest pain?" Harry asked, his face carefully neutral.
"Pardon? No," he snatched his hand away, glared at Harry one more time, and departed with the briefest "good day" required by etiquette.
"So how long until those things are gone and you're available for work?" Kingsley asked, eyeballing the oversized antlers. He offered a small bowl of holiday sweets but Harry declined.
"We're still trying to figure out how to extract my Patronus, sir."
"We?"
"Hermione Granger and myself, sir," Harry said quickly.
"Hmm," Kingsley nodded and peered at Harry from the corner of his eye. "I wish you and Ms. Granger luck."
"Thank you, sir."
"And give Healer Malfoy my regards."
"I will, sir," Harry said. "As a friend. Not as a patient."
"Quite right," a tiny smile played at the corner of Kingsley's mouth but he said no more and Harry left in a hurry.
0oOo0
"I don't know if I should go over there now," Harry said. "Because let's face it, he is my Healer. If we get caught lying..."
"Then don't visit him as a Healer," Hermione said. "I'll do research on my side for the Reflecto Patronum counterspell. Go see him as a friend."
"But-"
"That's what you want anyway," Ginny said. She was standing at the dinette table rolling out dough for Christmas cookies. She turned and took a batch out of the oven, then waved her wand over the pan to decorate them all at once. Then they swirled around, stacked neatly on a platter, and the platter sailed across the room to land on the coffee table. Ron lunged for a cookie, followed more politely by Hermione and Harry.
"That's a special batch, just for you, dear Harry," Ginny called.
Harry held up his cookie and frowned at the decoration. It was the shape of a reindeer, with red and yellow icing piped along its body to look like a harness and sleigh bells. On its face in fine piping was a set of round glasses, and she'd even added a messy thicket of black icing hair at the base of its antlers.
"Very funny, Gin," he sighed.
"Anyway, Malfoy has been totally cleared thanks to you, and he has to know that," Hermione said. "So surely he's not mad at you."
"But it's my fault he was under investigation in the first place," he said.
"True," Ron said. "And he's not exactly the forgiving sort."
"Well, Harry cocked his head, nearly bonking Hermione on top of hers, "he's different, you know. I mean maybe he's not fully different, but he's different enough."
"So go over there," Ginny said. She looked up and stared at him like there was nothing more to say. Her team had chosen to celebrate the season by coloring their cropped hair in a swirling mix of red, green and white, so the rising crest over her face resembled a candy cane.
"But Ron's right. What if he's cross with me?" Harry asked.
"Make him un-cross with you," Ginny went back to her dough. "I could make ferret-shaped cookies and you could bring him a batch."
"No thanks."
"Harry, he might be cross with you and you're just going to have to apologize." Hermione said. "His work is very important to him, and this situation nearly cost him his practice. He has a right to be cross about that."
"I suppose."
"You know he's been brought up on ethics charges before."
"He mentioned that but didn't say why."
"I looked it up when the investigation was announced," Hermione said. "It's on the public record. It happened about three years ago, not long after he started his practice. He was caught providing care for a Muggle family."
"Magical care?" Ron sat back, stunned.
"It happened in Brazil, there weren't many details. The Ministry couldn't conclusively prove anything so they dropped the charges." Hermione bit the head off of a Harry reindeer cookie.
"So I got him into hot water again after something like that," Harry sighed. "Why wouldn't he be cross with me?"
"So convince him not to be cross with you," Ginny shrugged.
"You always act like it's so easy," Harry said.
"Because sometimes it is," she grinned. "Will you let me help?"
"Will you agree not to bring reindeer cookies that look like me to Christmas dinner?"
"No."
"That's what I thought," Harry sighed. "Well, you can help me anyway."