IN the Land of the Living…Kinda

Barbara sat gazing out the attic window. She'd been doing that a lot lately. When you didn't need to eat or sleep or attempt to terrify unwanted yuppie tenants, there really wasn't much to being dead. Adam had taken to scrounging around the house, using what little manifestation powers he had to work on his model, bit by bit. Barbara had tried helping him, she really had, but to be fair, it was that damn model and an unfortunate run in with a dog that had gotten them in this fix in the first place.

So she sat by the window, looking out into a world she couldn't interact with anymore for fear of being eaten by one of those damn sandworms. If it weren't for the fact that it'd almost wound up in their exorcism, she'd wish for the Deetzes back…or at least Lydia. But Lydia was just a little girl, just turned fourteen, and couldn't live in a haunted house by herself, no matter how much Barbara knew she'd enjoy it.

Adam cast a sideways glance at his wife. The first few months of their afterlife had been so hectic they hadn't really had time to adjust to the whole actually 'being dead' thing. What with the confusion, the Deetzes, and that fiasco with a poltergeist that would remain unnamed even in his head, death had almost seemed…if not fun, at the very least exciting.

But then The Fiasco had ended, and then the Deetzes moved the next town over six months later and the house had been quiet and empty again, made all the worse by the fact that they couldn't leave. The only bright spot in their afterlife anymore were the visits Lydia was able to manage. But even those would have to stop eventually. Whenever Charles sold the house, well, she couldn't just say she was sneaking in to see her dead friends, now could she?

Neither of them noticed the green light, wrapped up in their thoughts as they were. Barbara turned around at the smell of cigarette smoke, however.

And promptly shrieked bloody murder.

Adam nearly jumped out of his skin as he whirled around to see what had scared his wife. There, at the far corner of the attic, awash in sickly green light and surrounded by a foul smelling cloud of ash and tar, stood their caseworker, the look on her face so cross it could have broken glass. Beside her, the subject of her glare stood swearing and shaking something clingy, gelatinous, and vomit colored from his boot, his back turned halfway to them.

The Maitlands couldn't see his face, but they knew that crazy death-blond hair and those overdone pinstripes in an instant.

"Betelgeu-MMPH!" Barbara shrieked, before her mouth disappeared. Before he could even open his jaw, a pulling sensation took over his face and neck, and the next thing he knew, the poltergeist had his larynx and tongue flopping uselessly in the palm of his moss coated hand.

"Geez, nice way to thank the guy that saved our asses! Great follow up to that fucking sandworm!"

Barbara's mouthless jaw wiggled in muffled rage, and Adam's speaking equipment waggled in Betelgeuse's hand, both ghosts gesticulating wildly at Juno, who merely pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Enough!" came the raspy grouse as Juno pulled up a chair out of nowhere and sat down. "Set them right, you ass. And you two, don't say his name! He's here with me, so you're safe enough."

Betelgeuse slumped down onto the floor, his elbows perched on his knees as he flicked his hand boredly at the ghostly couple, setting their mouths back into working order with a grumble.

"Juno, what the hell are you doing here? And why the hell did you bring him?" Adam spat, glaring at his case worker. The old ghost sighed. "Look, I know you two are still struggling with the handbook, but there are some things that aren't in there, and unfortunately, that little deal Miss Deetz made with this idiot is one of those. He's within his legal right to try and negotiate the circumstances of their contract."

"They don't have a contract! We stopped the wedding!" Barbara yelled, furious.

"Yeah, I freaking remember," Betelgeuse spat, cutting in and earning a fiercer glare from Juno "Fucking sandworm riding….look, you two ain't the brightest bulbs in the box, I get that, but when someone agrees to marry you, that sort of thing sticks. So now I'm stuck, and so's your little friend."

"Stuck?"

"Yeah, Four Eyes, stuck. Involved. Tied up. Ball-and-chained. ENGAGED."

"But-but..." Barbara stammered

"'But' nothing. that little Lydia's my fiancé, which being as she's still living, comes with-YOWCH! What the fuck, woman!?"

Juno, who had been sitting back weaving just enough noose for him to hang himself with, chose that moment to yank it back; or rather, land a rather large, rather sharp machete in his foot.

"Despite the way he's put it, he's correct. They two of them are engaged by Neitherworld law, and since that completes half of the bargain they made, he's justified in trying to appeal for some of his privileges."

"What privileges?" the Maitlands said in horrified unison. "You are not going anywhere near Lydia!" Barbara spat, threatening glare diminished somewhat by the amount of crazy oozing from the poltergeist's smile.

"It ain't like that, Babs. Myself, I like a woman with experience, know what I mean?" Barbara could have sworn she felt something grab her ass, but she could see his arms right in front of her, so she couldn't say anything. That horrible, bug-encrusted grin got wider. "But little chicky's still my intended, so I ain't gonna not talk to her."

"You'd better not hurt her, you bastard."

"Aww, how'd ya know?" Betelgeuse smiled sweetly, making everyone in the room horrendously nauseous. *

"Listen Geuse, just speak your peace so I can toss your sorry ass back in the waiting room until Miss Deetz is dead and buried herself." Juno grumbled.

Betelgeuse threw a glare back at the caseworker worthy of a trophy from Satan himself. Juno knew it wasn't for the threat of the Waiting Room. 'Interesting.'

"Look, calypso killers," Betelgeuse grumbled, pulling a cigar out of his pocket, "I'm only gonna do this once, so open your damn ears." He grinned at the wary look Adam and Barbara exchanged, enjoying it for a moment before going on. "You called me, and forgot to put me back in all timely like. Lyds called me, again, and made a deal with me to save your sorry, about to get exorcized ecto-hides. Then, you two, after my selfless saving of your asses, proceed to wreck my wedding!"

"She's just a little girl!" Barbara, snapped, as if that made everything okay.

"Zip it, Curly!" The poltergeist growled, a zipper appearing in its rightful place. "Look-I know how it is, you two ain't got any kids and are all alone in the afterlife, and adopt her. You care. You could have just fuckin' asked about all that, ya know. But, I've decided to be the bigger man and not hold all that against you. That is, if ya deside to be the nice folks that I know y'are an butt outta my business."

"Are you trying to…did you just…apolo-"

"Hey, Woah, not the A-word. But yeah. You ain't gonna sick any more sandworms on me if I try to talk to Deetzy-doo, are ya?" he shrugged, glaring pointedly at Barbara. Her jaw was still scraping the floor over that horribly worded but disturbingly honest sounding apology.

The Maitlands looked at Juno, who shook her head. "I'm just here to mediate this. It's your decision."

"And if I do sick a sandworm on him again?"

"Then you'd wind up prosecuted in the Neitherworld court system for unlawful involvement in a re-death. The first was self defense…and Judge Meintl thought it was amazingly funny."

"Judgemental?" Adam asked, confused.

"Judge. Mein-tl. Oldest judge and biggest ass in the Neitherworld…had it out for me since the word Boo. Fucker. Probably put your wife in for a damn award." Betelgeuse supplied, grousing.

"We don't have much time, especially after his stupidity. Make your decision on this and be done. We have to get to the Deetz's."

Adam and Barbara put their heads together. "I am never going to trust him, Adam. He's a monster!"

"Barbara, I don't want to see you thrown in whatever kind of prisons they have in the Neitherworld. Lydia's a stronger girl now, she can hold her own."

"I don't want her to have to hold her own."

"There's nothing we can do at this point but be there for her when things hit the fan. That's probably all we'd be able to do anyway."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Barabarra, honey, aall I'me saying is that we've been dead for what? A year? Less? He's been dead for over six hundred, and what little power he's able to use here is stronger than what luck and power we'll ever be able to muster up. We both know you got lucky last time. I doubt we'll lose Lydia over this, especially not with Juno in the middle, but I'm not going to lose you."

"Oh, Adam…I hate this, but you're probably right. I can't stomach this; you make the call."

Adam turned back to the two opposing suits waiting cross-armed in the corner. Juno watched him, hopeful despite her scowl. Betelgeuse just looked bored. Until Adam held out his hand.

"We don't like you and don't trust you, but we're sure Lydia can more than take care of herself. If you have legal rights in this, then so does she, and we're sure Juno will remind her of that if you get back up to your tricks. So we'll forgive you…so long as you toe the line."

A red line appeared on the floor, the poltergeist's feet seemingly magnetically drawn to it. "What the?" he wondered before it disappeared and his balance returned. Shrugging it off, he extended his own hand and grabbed Adam's, shaking it vigorously in he dry, mold-scratchy grip. "Pleasure doin' business with ya," he grinned before cackling insanely. Adam felt a jolt of liquid electricity go up his arm before the ghost let it go, and watched as energy flew around him, swirling around Betelguese before settling into his body as he laughed. Juno glared daggers at him.

"You have no idea what you just did, do you? I never should have trusted the two off you to be vindictive enough to keep him in. Now I have no choice. Move, poltergeist!"

Still cackling, Betelgeuse floated after Juno as she headed to the door she'd drawn. She crossed out the Maitlands address and scribbled the Deetzes' underneath, her handwriting suffering in her anger.

"Hey, by the way, thanks for letting me out again, buddy!" Betelegeus called over his shoulder as he drifted through the door.

Adam and barbara looked at each other as the cigarette smoke and Neitherworld fog cleared, their eyes worried as their minds whirled.

"Adam, what did we just do?"