Still in the Land of the Living
Juno silently sat and watched as the two sat on the bed and stared at each other with enough animosity to set Betelgeuse's coat smoldering. She had blown a bit of smoke at Delia to wake her up and had ushered her and Charles and that neurotic kitten out of the room. The ghost and the girl sat there like two awkward teenagers forced to work together on a project by some teacher who couldn't see they wanted to burn each other's retinas out. Lydia's gaze broke first, and she looked at the floor, scratching her arm. The poltergeist cleared his throat.
"So…"
"Yeah…"
"Look, Beetle…dammit. What can I call you?" Lydia started, "I can't just keep swearing at you."
Betelgeuse laughed "Don't see why not, but I dunno. Beej, I guess? BJ?"
"BJ then." With a matter of fact nod, Lydia turned and looked at him for the first time. He looked a little different than before, now that she looked at him. He'd changed into a magenta shirt, and either his dead complexion was leaching the color, or he'd gotten one weird-ass dead-guy tan at Saturn. His hair seemed tamer, his gut was more noticeable, and his fingertips had turned blood red. He saw her looking at him and smiled, his teeth almost green and more snaggled than she remembered.
"Like the look Babes?"
"Why are you lilac?"
"Ooh, specific! Lets just say that sandworm guts ain't the best vacation spa for the skin. Same goes for the hands. Saw ya lookin'. Ever try to dig your way out of something that just happened to still be alive? GREAT FRIGGIN' WORKOUT! Not so good anything else."
Lydia waggled a finger in her ear, making sure he hadn't popped an eardrum, and giggled nervously. She wasn't sure why, but when he was just bellyaching, his off the wall brand of cuckoo was sort of funny.
Juno scowled from her seat and cleared her throat.
"Ah, and that would be the cue from the Grand Duchess of Annoyance to continue with our previous repartee." Betel muttered in a phony British accent. Lydia pinked and giggled again. Betelgeuse sidled up beside her and winked. "Sure you don't want to get married, Babes? I'll wait for ya."
Lydia socked him in the nose. Something dribbled out, but it was more of a neon maroon than red, and there was no way to be sure if it were blood or not.
"OW! Damn! For a midget you sure do pack a punch."
"Can we just talk and get this over with? You're stinking up my sheets. I have to sleep here, you know."
"Fine, fine, talk away. We can pare down the gory details later. Let's just hack this out now."
Lydia thought for a moment. Somehow, she got the feeling that if she completely blew him off, she'd never be rid of him. His powers could eek through even with all the restrictions Juno had told her about, and those wouldn't last forever now that they were official recognized as engaged. She needed a new deal. "Alright. Well, things have changed since six months ago. I want a new contract."
"A new…? Aw, C'mon, Babes, don't you trust me?"
"About as far as I can throw you." Lydia stopped to dig under her bed for some paper and a pencil. When she came back up, she had a legal pad and green felt-tip, but it would have to do.
"Okay, first of all, you still haven't apologized to me, so that comes before anything else."
"Jeez, ask for the world while you're at it, why don'tcha? Haven't I been behaving?"
"It's not the same, and an apology is the whole reason you and Juno are here, and I can almost feel her breathing down your neck to get on with it."
Betelgeuse wiped at his face and groaned.
"Alright, look, I get that you're pissed." he started, wracking his brains for the right words. Lydia was smarter than those two Maitland boobs. "I'm a poltergeist Lyds, and I was hired, by those two morons you call friends of yours, to scare the living shit out of your parents so they'd turn tail and run out of their old house. You don't renege on deals made with a poltergeist, Babes. You can't. It's how we work. And we get abso-fucking-lutely furious when it happens. It happened to me twice, in the same house, in the same year. No Bueno burrito, Babes."
"That's no excuse for what you did! Your apologies suck." Lydia huffed, glaring at him. Juno laughed hoarsely in the background, watching Betelgeuse flounder.
"Now waidaminnit, damn it, I'm not done. There's rules, Deetzeley-dee. They ain't mine…whoa, Déjà vu… we-poltergeists, that is-work off energy. Why do you think we turn uo in emo-teen rooms all the time? Spare energy to sap up all over the place. We take the energy of the askers, and it takes a lot out of us when power we earned through a contract gets pulled out. I get stuck with a power of three curse, can't even say my own name, and now I get sucked into two contracts that get shredded."
"Well, you shouldn't have tricked me, then you'd only be dealing with one."
"It don't work like that! I hooked you to try to get out of the other one…and to get Out, but I've been working on that for centuries. Lydia, the only reason I'm not still getting drained from incomplete deals made is because your fro'd up friend sicked a sandworm on me and sent me to the Waiting Room."
Lydia looked at him for a moment. He looked tired, if someone dead could actually do so. The bags under his eyes were bigger, and he was looking at her with such an odd expression, and on such an unusual face anyway, that it took her a moment to realize that he was actually being honest-or at least what passed for honest with him. She looked at Juno, sitting in her chair at the other end of the room, arms crossed over her chest and smoke pouring agitatedly from her cut throat. He was being honest, she could tell now, Juno's surprised and incredulous expression spoke volumes. She looked back at the ghost sitting beside her.
"So why'd you try to kill my Dad?"
"Hey, your parents are fucking hard to scare. Not my fault that's what it took. And he's still here, isn't he?"
"You still tried to-"
"Ah, whoa, hey! Actually, I just scared him down the stairs. I watched the angle. The Bopsey twins made sure I didn't actually kill anyone."
"So you didn't actually try to…"
"No, though try telling the damn Neitherworld Courts that, why don'tcha."
"You still could have told me you meant to marry me right then, you know."
"I thought I had. But I guess I could have been more specific. Still, only a little bit of brain scarring psychological harm done, right?"
Lydia humphed and then sat back for a second, going over everything in her mind. She got up and whispered in Juno's ear. Juno nodded reluctantly. "Yes. He is contract driven. It's how all of them work. It's also why he's wanted Out since he ascended to poltergeist level power three hundred years ago."
Lydia nodded and went back to her previous perch.
"Alright," she began, looking at alternatively at her knees and somewhere between his eyebrows and hairline, "Your apologies still suck, but after talking to you I think that's just how you are. And I'm still pissed about my dad, but he is okay. And I still want a knew contract, that I want done before you leave, that I want Juno to write down so I don't miss anything and you don't add anything I don't agree to. But…I'm not going to forgive you…not for a long time. Maybe not ever. But you did wind up saving Adam and Barbara, and we are still…engaged. So for the sake of peace, I'm going to accept your apology; with some conditions."
Betelgeuse quirked an eyebrow and smirked at Juno. Juno looked exasperated, but she wasn't exactly surprised. Her ex-protégé, while not exactly a smooth talker, had a weird kind of oozy charm and over six hundred years of sleazy conniving behind him. The Deetz girl was smart enough to realize she was stuck, but she also seemed to know she had a great deal of power in the matter. Maybe it was good her father was a once ruthless real-estate broker and not someone more like her in tastes.
Juno floated her and her chair over closer to the two, and nipped the legal pad and green pen from Lydia. There was a rather sharky grin on her face as she glanced at the girl.
"Miss Deetz, as I've said before, I'm merely here to mediate, but since you've enlisted my help to write this new contract, I'm able to extend our visit a bit longer."
"Hold on a minute, don't I get any say in this?" Betelgeuse bellowed, his eyes going big as he saw the predatory look Juno was throwing at him. He knew that look. It was the Gonna Get Screwed Over Like Nobody's Business glint that had gotten him into the poltergeist gig in the first place.
"Don't parrot at me, Geuse. I want to get on with this."
The poltergeist suddenly found himself in the form of an ugly, half molted, stripped, and extremely squawky parrot for a few seconds before reverting back to his normal revolting self. "What the fuck?" He groused at Juno.
" 'Powers henceforth limited and/or hindered by verbal inconsistencies' remember? Guess it applies to ghosts older than you as well."
"So you mean I'm going to be a walking literal translation time bomb until I get hitched the rest of the way?"
"In a word, Yes, now shut up, sit down, and let me hash this out with Miss Deetz."
For the next half hour, Betelgeuse sat sprawled on the bed, resting on his elbows and grousing. He couldn't for the afterlife of him hear what Juno and Lydia were saying, and knew Juno had done it on purpose just to piss him off. He spent the time studying the girl's room and rearranging it, levitating things here and there, making sure she wouldn't be able to find anything truly important for weeks, just for the hell of it. He was still a poltergeist in an angsty teenage girl's room, some things were simply expected, even if he was on what passed for good behavior for him.
After half an hour of interior decorating and trying to drop things on the cat from another room, Betelgeuse was roused by Lydia standing at the end of the bed, a small stack of papers held in her hand. She was grinning slightly, looking pleased with herself. Juno had her arms locked over the back of her chair, twisted sidesaddle to watch, an identical grin traipsing around a smoke. The poltergeist groaned.
"I'm fucked aren't I?" he groused at the girl in front of him. She just smiled and handed him the papers.
He rolled his eyes and grazed over the typical legalese bullshit Juno had written at the top, knowing she only put it there to try and get him to give up on it. He glanced over the first ten pages, fluff and nonsense and Juno-speak for 'quit-reading-already-and-sign-it,-you-ass.' midway through page eleven he found what he was looking for.
Acceptable Procedure and Behavior for Courtship Initiation, Protocol, and Visitation Rights to the Land of the Living/Land of the Dead
'Fucking mouthful,' he thought as he made sure he was reading the right section
Fiancé of Living Claimant, one Betelgeuse, (+ 600 Deceased) and Claimant, one Lydia Deetz (14, Living) henceforth agree to the following protocols and arrangements, in effort to commence a peaceful, legal, and binding courtship with minimum collateral damage to each party's respective realm of existence.
1.) Until Claimant of legal age in her respective Mortal community, and until She is agreeable (if ever) to such actions, no sexual contact is permitted
A.) Innuendos of such are also limited to what Claimant finds acceptable in the way of General Banter. Fiancé of Claimant will be notified by electric shock if lines of Claimant's acceptance crossed.
B.) Claimant, being understanding, has acquiesced that Fiancé may see other parties until such a time. Also incites measure WGFG-IGFG-16-91 of reciprocal understanding.
C.) Fiancé is asked to be discreet in any situation pertaining to statement 1-B
D.) Non-sexual and friendly contact, to be determined by Claimant, is allowed.
2.) Fiancé of Claimant restricted to Level 1.5 of Acceptable & Expected Poltergeist activity while in vicinity of Claimant's parents, friends, and various acquaintances, unless Claimant wishes otherwise.
A.) Mandate lifted if Claimant or Family in danger or under duress.
B.) Claimant's vengeful use of Fiancé's powers acceptable, but within strict limits of Claimant's desire.
3.) Claimant required to initiate discussion with Fiancé at a minimum of 1 hour Living World Time per month.
A.) Fiancé required to heed and participate in discussion.
B.) Fiancé allowed to initiate discussions through appropriate mirrors, to be determined by Claimant.
4.) Fiancé allowed to bring Claimant into approved Neitherworld locations (listed below) on any occasion, for a time no greater than 1 Week, Living World Time
A.) Fiancé allowed to contact Claimant in Living World through Claimant approved disguises, when necessary for contacting or aiding Claimant.
5.) Any form of violence, emotional abuse, blackmail, mental abuse, or extortion, is strictly forbidden on part of both Claimant and Fiance.
A.) This includes anything above a Level 3-F Haunting on part of Fiance, and anything stronger than a Level 6-B Home Cleansing Ritual on part of Claimant
6.) The issue of Marriage, The Maitland Near-Exorcism, The Haunting of the Maitland House in Winter River, and the resultant Summoning, shall only be mentionable by the Claimant.
7.) The parents of the Claimant are to be made to forget the aforementioned Haunting and evidence of the supernatural to an agreed upon level of comfort for both parties.
8.) When Claimant is visiting the Maitlands, Fiancé is not to appear.
A.) Fiancé may be present, but non-visible to all but Claimant at behest of Claimant.
B.) Fiancé may not vocalize, manifest, levitate, leave cold or hot spots, scents, or any other sensory cues as to his presence.
C.) Fiancé allowed only to materialize should danger come to Claimant or Maitlands.
Approved Neitherworld Locations:
General Neitherworld Main Populace Residential Areas
General Neitherworld Family Vacation Spots
The River Schticks
NeitherNeitherworld
The Down and Outback
The Neitherworld Royal Court (Tourist Portions Only, Unless Otherwise Allowed)
The Neitherworld Court System Buildings
Any Neitherworld equivalent to Land of the Living locations, I.E. Paris, New Orleans, London, Sydney, Copenhagen, Beijing, Santa Cruz, New Delhi, and other Major Living World Cities with sister cities in the Neitherworld.
There was a bit more legalese at the bottom of the contract, and then a splashy, neat signature that could only be Lydia's. Next to it was Juno's more cramped calligraphy.
An empty line awaited him. He thought it grimly apropos. They had him by the balls, and after he signed this…because he fucking knew he was going to; there was no way he was going back to the Waiting Room, or whatever other punishment he was sure Judge Meintl had in store for him…after he signed this monstrosity, he couldn't even complain about it to his eventual wife until she deemed it okey-dokey to swear around her.
"There are special levels in hell for law-writers like you, Juno," he groused as he hunted through his pockets or a pen. Juno just grinned and stood, clasping Lydia on the shoulder. "Geuse, I've been in Limbo for over 900 years, and over 600 of those have been spent dealing with you. I do believe I've more than earned my ticket into the peaceful here-after quite well." Lydia stood watching him surreptitiously as he piled trinkets on her bed from out of his pockets. A snake slithered up the post of her footboard, a rat scuttled down the hall, and a set of spiders was making a web in a far corner. There was a mess of tin cans and what she hoped were gag eyeballs, but was sure weren't. Beetles, dead, twitching, and running for their lives peeked through the pile, and every once in a while Betelgeuse grabbed one and crunched down. Juno's hand chilling her was the only reason she hadn't lost her lunch yet.
Betelgeuse finally found a fountain pen, hid under a dead peacock and a moldy collection of Shakespeare plays. Tucking it behind his ear, he stuffed the rest hastily back in his pockets, snagged a juicy scarab midair and nibbled on it, before turning to glare at the contract.
"So, exactly how much of me am I going to get to be with this thing again?"
"At worst, PG-13," Lydia said, grinning. He sneered at her, knowing eventually he'd get back at her for this. PG-13 indeed. "I am not happy about this," he said, his tone rough. The girl's smile fell. "You'll regret this contract one way or another, someday. Just so you know."
"Are you threatening her, B?" Juno hissed. The poltergeist shook his head. "Not at all, Juney. You know how irresistible I am. She'll be sorry when she's older." He waggled his eyebrows for effect and turned back to Lydia. "And I ain't going back to that damn Waiting Room either, 'cuz Argentina will give me an even worse number if I do, so I'll sign this damn thing."
He grabbed the contract and, feeling his curse of three lift just long enough for him to do it, scrawled his name across the blank line, the ink a sickly green.
The minute he let go of the paper, his eyes flew open wider than their usual crazed set as the same sickly green light infused them. He floated away, not of his own power, and yelled like he was in pain. Lydia turned away, and Juno looked puzzled. She hadn't written anything into the contract like this. The ring on Betelgeuse's finger glowed bright, and the contract was sucked into it, his hand lighting on fire as the ring sunk into his skin and disappeared. His body began to spin, faster and faster until he was a grey blur, light growing brighter around him until it blinded both the mortal girl and ghostly woman in the room. Lydia screamed.
At her scream, the spinning stopped and Betelgeuse fell, unconscious, or it's ghostly equivalent, onto her bed. The viscous Sandworm blood staining his fingers had become brighter, sinking into his skin like a tattoo, and the lilac tint faded in and out for a few moments before staying as well. His closed eyelids remained a bruised purple, and his hair was stained a slightly less-than-deathly blond.
"What happened to him?" Lydia gasped, her eyes wide.
"I'm not entirely sure." Juno said, her voice low. "A contract like the one you have hasn't been written down in centuries. The last couple that tried it wasn't nearly powerful enough. But then again, Poe was an idiot from the get-go."
"The papers got sucked into his ring, Juno! That has to mean something, right?"
"You're right. Most likely, it's just made the contract more binding."
"Why does he look different?"
Juno stopped a moment. That one had even her stumped. "My best guess is that the contract knew you found his, um, Saturnized, appearance less threatening, and made it at least semi-permanent."
"What's semi-permanent now, Juney?" asked the poltergeist as he shuffled groggily from the bed, "And what the fuck was that?"
"That," Juno said crisply "was what happens when you actually bother to sign a contract instead of just verbalizing one, Geuse."
"Ugh, I feel like I got eaten again."
"Well, it's no less than what you deserve. Or at least a small portion of what you deserve anyway."
"Tell me that's not what I have to put up with when I shoot off my mouth from now on. I may have to get it sewn up if it is."
Juno sighed, put-upon "I honestly don't know. You'll have to find out the hard way."
Juno looked at a pocket watch she had tucked away in an inside jacket pocket. It was the color of pale bone and Betelgeuse's mold. "Ugh, we've been here too long already. Miss Deetz, is there anything else you'd like to discuss with him at the moment?"
Lydia looked at Juno and back at the poltergeist still holding his head like he was nurseing a hangover. She shook her head, not really knowing what to say. Juno gave a quick nod, took a long pul off her smoke, and let it filter out her throat slit. "When that reaches your parents, they'll forget as much as they are comfortable with. From what I understand, you father will likely remember the Maitlands, but not him. Delia…is Delia, so who knows with her."
Lydia nodded again, and sat down on her bed, now free of Betelgeuse's stench. Juno blew another puff of smoke, pinched the lapel of the bio-exorcist's coat like a filthy rag, and as the smoke dissipated, so did the ghosts.
Lydia looked up. Betelgeuse had left his spiders in the corner, and the web they were making was a bit too pretty to tear up. She left them. The snake, a little red, black and yellow rat snake, had fallen onto her pillow and crawled towards her curiously. Lydia sat still, watching as the snake wrapped around her wrist, seeming to relish the warmth of her skin. Giggling softly as it's tongue tickled her palm, she stroked it's head with her finger. She supposed it wouldn't be too bad a pet…and she did have an old fish tank she could keep it in. Though Delia wouldn't be to pleased.