In the Neitherworld

Betelgeuse found himself seated on an ill paved street somewhere in one of the shittier section of the Neitherworld, areas where the barriers were weak and sandworms could break through. Of course they'd put him up here, in a Neitherworld ghetto. He actually recognized the place.

He owned a building around here somewhere, or partway owned it, and had renters living there. Well, if the main part was still vacant, he supposed he could shack up there for a while. He'd known he'd been evicted from his old haunt, and the Dante's girls weren't going to let him bum with them anymore, not after his stunt got out. 'That little bitch. It's all her fault. If she'd just gone along with it….' he thought angrily to himself. He wondered if his old building was where they'd dumped his shit. He didn't know where Juno'd gotten off to. Probably back to molder in that office for a couple more centuries. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and floated dejectedly towards his hole in the wall.

His hands hit paper he didn't remember putting back, and fished it out to look. It was an official notice from the Offices.

From the Offices of the Neitherworld Board of Powers, Licenses, Hauntings, and Gifts,

Henceforth, the Poltergeist known as Betelgeuse has been revoked of certain powers, including those of Homonym Trickery leading to Summoning, Unwarranted Torture of Mortals, Unwarranted Healing of Mortals, Transportation of Spirits Leading to Lost Soul Disorder, Transformations Against Mortals for the Purpose of Harm, Severe Harm to Spirits, Malicious Haunting, Unwarranted Appearances in Mortal Realm, and Level 6 Poltergeist/Demon Qualifications for a period of 50-100 Living World years due to numerous transgressions against the Deetz Family (Living) and the Maitland Family (Deceased.)

Should aforementioned poltergeist show good behavior, deliberate level 5 poltergeist appropriate haunting and show remorse for or understanding of the impact of his actions, all mentioned powers shall be returned in a period not exceeding 25 Living World years.

Betelgeuse couldn't even swear forcefully enough to express how pissed he was. A good quarter of his powers had been stripped, and all because he wanted what half the Neitherworld did but was too pussy to go after. So what if the living weren't supposed to be factually aware of the afterlife? Was that his problem? He just wanted out where things were fun again, maybe booze it up with a girl who had a pulse or mentally traumatize some old ladies or something; things you couldn't do when 99.4 percent of the globe couldn't see you. He was tired of food that tasted like shit, music that sucked, never getting to meet the people he wanted to because they were on a better plane that his scrongy ass wasn't allowed on. He was sick of being dead.

Since the moment he'd landed in the Neitherworld, he'd been working to get power, just to get out. Granted, he liked the power that being dead granted him, but the Greeks had had it right. Even the best being dead paled to all but the shittiest of life. And he wanted out. Juno had been forced to grant him poltergeist powers earlier than any ghost on record just to get him out of her hair. The powers that be hadn't been happy, but it was either that or let him keep wreaking havoc in the Neitherworld.

He pulled a face at a passing ghoul, who shrieked and poofed away, before drifting dejectedly the rest of the way to his flop house. He couldn't remember who he was renting the extra rooms too, didn't really care. He just wanted to get somewhere and collapse for a few days, avoid his parents, the usual shit. He hated this section of the Neitherworld. Other than a few slight changes brought on by death, he looked pretty much like he did when he was alive. This section…sometimes, people couldn't quite face the fact they'd croaked, and to cope, they changed into monsters from their imaginations. This particular part was filled with grotesqueries, giants and jellyfish people and everything in between. Just accept you were fucking dead, already.

He floated through the door to his house, changing the outside décor a bit, just so he didn't have to think about which house was his if he happened to get drunk later, and proceeded to raid the fridge. He hadn't eaten in six months, really, and even though he didn't need to…it was nice to have a full stomach.

"Ah, Bon jour! You must be ze new tenet. Ze case worker told uz to expect you!"

"Fuck off!" Betelgeuse yelled, startled and pissed that he hadn't heard someone sneak up on him. He sent out a blast of energy, and heard a clatter that could only be bones collapsing. He turned as he heard a yelp and a shriek.

A skeleton in ratty gym clothes lay tangled in a heap, a beret and a thin mustachios decorating his skull. Beside him stood a disgustingly magenta spider with plump lips instead of pedipalps and fangs. His tenets, whom he'd never actually met.

"Wha'dja do that fowah, ya big bully?" the spider spat, glaring at him as she re-assembled the skeleton.

"Because nobody sneaks up on the Geuse and gets away with it! What the hell are you two doin' in my part of the house?"

"We only wanted to ah-welcome you to ze 'ome, Mister Juice." the skeleton said as he stood. His legs were on backward, which he fixed before continuing. "allow me to introduze ourselves. I am Jacques Lelean, and zis is Gzhingzher."

"You two idiots are new, aren't you?" the poltergeist snorted, unimpressed. "Go look me up, and then decide if you want to barge in here unasked for again."

"Well, there's no need to be so rude." Ginger muttered. Betelgeuse snorted again and flicked his wrist at her. Lost soul shadows oozed out of the floor and began to surround her. The French-e-ton looked horrified. The spider dissolved into tears and stared pleading for her afterlife, saying she'd done nothing to deserve that. Geuse called them off, he knew with his new restrictions he couldn't actually do anything, but these two didn't.

"I said don't fuck with me. I'm more ghost than the two of you combined will ever get to be, so get that through your heads. I don't have much goodwill left after today, so get back to your little hidey-holes and stay there, away from me."

The two backed off, not wanting to anger the new tenant any further. Betelgeuse went back to the fridge, grabbed something oozing mold, and settled into the couch cushions to forget the day. He summoned a case of Conquistador and popped a top, draining three in as many minutes. He knew it'd take more than that to even begin to feel a buzz. Sometimes he really hated the disadvantages of being dead.

Two cases of booze later found the poltergeist muttering tipsily to himself on the couch, laughing madly at The Exorcist for the 168th time and bitching about his little half-bride.

"Stupid chit, doesn't have enough guts to just let herself In like the rest of us did. Wouldn't be in this mess if she did. Bitch. I'm not that bad a catch. She could have wound up stuck with Anubis, and wouldn't that be a damn mess…little Miss Lyds all mummified."

From behind the wall, Jacques lowered the cup he'd had to his ear cavity. Ginger looked up at him. "It iz not what I eg-spected, Gzhingzher. It is woman trouble."

"Woman trouble! What girl in her right mind would want him?"

"I do not know. But perhaps it will work itself out. Zen we won't have to tip-toe around our homes any longer, oui?"

"You still have Juno's number, doncha?"

"Oui. Juzt in case."

Betelgeuse was jolted awake when he landed ass first in the Land of the Living. Lydia looked down at him from the end of her bed. "Shit, it actually worked. Ummm…."

"Hey, Babes." the poltergeist slurred from the floor. He'd had a third case of Conquistador before he'd passed out, and was still feeling the buzz pretty hard. Lydia held her nose as his breath hit her.

"Oh, ick, you smelly like death warmed over and booze. Can you even get drunk?"

"Shure can, Lyds. Shoo wan' some?" he clumsily pulled a half empty bottle out of his coat and offered it to her. "No! I'm 14!"

"Sho? Oh Yeeeah, midgets can't drink that young anymore. Sho why'd'sha call me, Liddy-baby?" Betelgeuse slurred, flopping on his stomach in the air and meeting her at eye level.

"Ew. No to that nickname. I just…wanted to make sure I didn't dream all that just happened today." Lydia laughed, gagging at the words 'Liddy-baby.'

"Aw, lookit who dreams about her almost hubby. Give us a kiss then."

Before she could react, his lips were on hers, cold and clammy, smelling of grave dirt and forest rot. She pushed him away, gagging.

"Ew! No! You're drunk, not to mention dead. Just-just no!"

"Wash it that bad, Babes? I behaved. There wasn't even tongue!"

"I am not answering that, you drunken ass. No Kissing. Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse,.."

"A goodbye one then?" He slurred, still fall-down pissed, leaning over again. He missed her lips and got her eye. A jolt ran through him, standing his hair on end and sending his suit to smolders. Lydia laughed as he yelped and dropped to the floor, swearing profusely-or trying to. Everything that came out got Bowdlerized immediately, and it sounded hilarious. "Sorry, Beej. I said no. Time for you to go home, now that I know this wasn't a dream"

"You Frackkin'…Drat it! ARG! You elecshtrocuted me! That friggin' hurts! Brat. Dang it!" he tried to swear. "C'mon Babes, don't shend me back. Let me shtay over."

"Not on your afterlife. Betelgeuse."

The poltergeist swore a blue streak when he landed back on his couch, jolted out of sleep and a good buzz, all because his little fiancé had a royally fucking stupid whim.