These Pieces 4

I'm almost sure she senses me standing here in the darkness. I wonder if every night I will have this struggle with myself, and if every night she'll wonder what decision I'll make. I want to leave her here and continue on my own. Why not? There are so many reasons why I should, but I know she will follow me no matter what.

The fire cracks and pops as I make my way into camp. She doesn't look up; she just continues to stir at whatever she's got cooking in the pan. I place Argo's saddle on the ground and ease myself down, leaning back against it.

Caesar has relaxed his guard a little, but he isn't a stupid man. He knows I'm coming for him, he just doesn't know when. Word is he has spies roaming throughout Greece. We're going to have to be careful, but once we're spotted he'll be tipped off and surround himself again. There has to be a way to penetrate his inner circle; that may be the only way….

'Xena?' Gabrielle's voice brings me out of my thoughts. I raise my eyebrows in question. 'Are you going to eat?'

'Oh, yeah.' I grab the food from her before returning to my position against the saddle.

'So I take it your informant didn't have good news?'

'What?' I'm trying to get my thoughts back in order, what does she want now?

'Bad news?' She gives me this slightly exasperated look.

'Oh, yeah. Caesar is no fool Gabrielle. He has men everywhere looking for me, there are bounties on me, and I have to be careful who I trust.' I pick at the piece of fish.

'You mean we.'

'What?' I feel a lecture coming on.

'We, Xena.' But there is no lecture, her statement is simple and without anger. She gets up, walking out into the trees to wash the pan and discard the scraps. What am I doing to her? I toss the scraps of my food into the fire. This mission cannot be about us, it can't be about me. It's about my son. It feels like my heart stops beating and my lungs stop working. It's hard to think about him, to say his name without my body collapsing within itself.

I need strength to get through this; I need the hatred to flow. So I think of how I found him that day; the way his tiny body looked. I think of the life he cannot have, the one that has been taken away from him. This heat builds up in me; as my tears flow so does the anger. A primal growl tares through my throat and into the night air. The tears are gone; but this hatred, this anger that has replaced it; it feels so good.

Gabrielle returns a few moments later and I can tell by the look on her face she knows she has lost. She heard me release the conqueror, the warlord, the beast within me. Standing at the edge of the firelight she is not surprised to see the warlord is now in the camp; her lover gone, possibly forever.

'You might as well leave.' I can't seem to help the wicked grin that crosses my face.

'Why would I do that?' She asks; voice cold. She's finding it hard to look at me, and I like that.

'You've failed. I let her win, I let the darkness out. I can't do this without my darkness.' It's like I'm pleading; why can't she understand what I have to do?

'I'm here to bring you back Xena.' She finally looks up at me, her eyes always seem to glisten. That glistening always gets me, pulls at me. 'I always knew you'd use it, I just want to make sure I don't lose you.' I hate her. Something about her pulls me away from that serious evil form I used to be. I turn my head to the side, cracking my neck and sighing in frustration. The rage is still flowing, but for some reason Gabrielle dilutes it. I should leave.

'Xena, I know you don't want me here, but I will follow you.' What is she, reading my damn mind?

'You are not going to stop me.' I growl at her, but it doesn't seem to have its intended effect.

'I haven't so far.' She begins laying out a bedroll nonchalantly on the far side of the fire. Her attitude of defiance without anger is beginning to grate on me. I watch the tiny woman whom I love, across the fire. Even when I try to let the beast free, Gabrielle manages to hold me back. To think, I destroyed people like her. How different this world would be if I hadn't.

The journey alone might destroy me; let alone what will happen when Caesar and I meet. It's been barely a day and I already feel tortured beyond anything I have endured before. I can't seem to fully grasp a firm hold on my dark soul, Gabrielle won't let me go.