The Pieces 5

There were times when I would have raised hell and killed everything in my path. My own self growth keeps me anchored in some semblance of good, but it's not stopping me from lusting for the kill. I picture my blade slicing through Caesars neck, the blood that flows over me.

As we draw closer and closer I know I'm only putting myself into his hands willingly. I'm not afraid of dying, but I am afraid of dying before I can watch the life leave his eyes. I'm painfully aware of what I'm going to do to Gabrielle. I don't know if everything is my fault, or if she is to blame, but the outcome of this will be on my soul.

The silence is consuming me; I'm torn by this deep need to hold her in my arms, and the desire to push her as far away from me as possible. I'm losing myself in the depths of my own darkness. I know what I have to do and I don't think I'll be coming back from this.

The warmth of the fire is lost on me. I watch her figure on the other side of the flickering light, eyes staring into the flames. I can feel the shift inside as I make my decision.

I move to where she sits, my heart pushing up into my throat. Her eyes look up at me, seeing through me; seeing something I can't see. Crouching down in front of her, I reach my hand out, just barely touching her cheek. A red flush creeps over her body as it stiffens under my touch. I can see it in her face; she knows every thought running through my head.

'Please Xena.' She begs in a whisper, tears begin to drift slowly down her cheeks.

'I have to.' My thumb traces across her bottom lip.

'I'll bring you back.' Her voice cracks as she holds down a sob.

'I don't know if you can.' I'm having a hard time swallowing.

'There's too much good left in you.' For a moment I want to believe her.

'I love you.' Despite everything, this is one emotion that overpowers everything. I grasp her face in my hands, bringing my lips to hers. 'Promise me you'll go back. Promise me you'll let go.' My forehead presses against hers.

'I can't.' Her lips whisper against mine; fingers grip into my arms.

'Your son needs you.'

'He's your son too.' But he can live without me; he can't live without his own mother. She bursts up to her feet, anger rippling under her skin. 'You can't do this alone Xena. I've come this far with you, I'm not giving up now.'

'But it wouldn't be giving up, it would be living.' I stand, my hands grasping her waist, pulling her to me.

'I'm not going to let you just go and get yourself killed.' Her eyes narrow at me.

'So what do I do then?' I ask sincerely. What else can I do?

'I don't know, but not this.' She shakes her head, looking down in defeat. We both grow silent; the forest holds its breath as well, waiting for us to speak. It should be easy for me to walk away; to die for the sins I've committed.

I pull her against me, wrapping my arms around her smaller form. We are getting too close to the Romans; too close to a finality. I want to lose myself in rage and anger, but instead I'm here, crying silent tears into her short hair.

'I'm doing this.' The words come out of me in a growl as I push away from her. I can see the protest in her eyes; sitting on her lips but she can't seem to speak them. 'Don't follow me.' I have to leave now, I can't linger here or she'll win me over.

Quickly I round up my things, I'm going to travel light.

'Don't let her follow.' I whisper in Argo's ear. Her reply is a snort and shake of her head. 'I mean it.' I give her a quick pat before turning around once more. Gabrielle hasn't moved; her body locked as if frozen. The tears streaming down her cheeks are like little knives piercing my heart.

Then I run.